How To Be A Zombie - Book Review

How To Be A Zombie: The Essential Guide For Anyone Who Craves Brains


Rating: 5/5 - One of my new favorites!

Have you recently been transformed into a member of the undead? Feeling scared, confused, and don't know what to do? Then Serena Valentino's How To Be A Zombie is the perfect book for you. She will help you figure out what kind of zombie you are, and then guide you as you learn to cater to your own specific needs. She is very sympathetic toward the undead, and will give you unbiased opinions on what you should do to best survive through the zombie apocalypse. She covers everything from hunting, proper diet, and thwarting humans who wish to kill you; to fashion and romance. Everything you need to know about being a zombie is all right at your fingertips. You will learn about zombie books, movies and music as well. Everything the newly zombiefied might need can be conveniently found in this lovely book.

#92 -- Priest (2011)

Director: Scott Charles Stewart
Rating: 3/5

Yes, I realize this isn't exactly a horror movie; but it has horror qualities, so I'm including it here. First and foremost, you should know that these priests are not like the priests we know. They are superhuman warriors and vampire killers. Vampires have always existed, and they've always been a threat. Such a threat, in fact, that they started a war with the humans. The vampires were so quick and vicious, though, that the humans really didn't stand a chance. Until the priests were discovered, that is. Like I said, they were superhuman. They were trained in the church to become badass vamp killers. When the war was over, the remaining vampires were sent to reservations to live like prisoners. But of course, nothing evil stays buried for very long. So when our main character's niece gets abducted by vampires, he leaves the safety of one of the walled cities the church created in order to save his niece. He is accompanied by his niece's boyfriend, the sheriff in the "wastelands" (the wastelands are just away from the safe cities). I also think you should know that there are two types of vampires. There's the plain old vamps, which are nothing like we know them today. They're animal-like creatures with no eyes or noses - just gaping mouths with fangs. And they're pretty wicked. The others are called familiars, and they look human, except for the eyes and the fangs, of course.



This is more of an action movie than anything, but it does have that horror element of vampires. And the vampires are so vicious and awesome looking that it's just hard for me to keep this off my blog. Priest also had a very interesting explanation of how the vampires as we know them were born. So it stuck to the typical scheme of vampire movies, while at the same time creating its own twist, which I think was really good. I should also note that this movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic alternate world. While it is futuristic, there is also an element of antiquity too. It's old school, but it's technologically in your face. There is a lot of good action in this, and a moving story. The vamps are vicious, almost unstoppable, and pretty fucking awesome. And the priests? Who knew priests could be so badass? And I mean they are BAD ASS. So, if you like vampires, but you also like action movies, Priest is the movie for you.

#91 -- Masters of Horror: We All Scream for Ice Cream (2007)

Director: Tom Holland
Rating: 3/5

Everyone knows I love me some killer clowns, and Buster (the star of this episode of MoH) is pretty kick-ass. He's creepy, he's got a method, and I could sympathize with him. However, I don't think this movie did Buster justice. Buster had an ice cream truck, and all the kids in the neighborhood loved him (well, almost all of them). He would put on little magic shows and tell jokes for them. He was a hoot! But Buster had a little stuttering problem, and some of the kids thought it was funny to ridicule him. When a prank went horribly wrong, Buster wound up dead. Now, fast-foward to twenty-some years later, and those kids are turning up dead. Well, not exactly dead, because no one can find their bodies. But Buster is back from the dead, and he's hungry for a some sweet, cold and creamy revenge. He makes voodoo dolls out of his ice cream, feeds them to his bullies' children, and bam! They melt into what looks like Neapolitan ice cream.




Like I said, Buster's pretty kickass. But the whole turning-people-into-ice-cream thing was a little odd. I'm not saying a little bit of oddness isn't a good thing every once in a while, but here it was just a little too much. I love the character, and he had the potential to be wonderful. No, scratch that. He WAS wonderful. But I would have liked to see him go all psycho on everyone, with an axe or a butcher knife or something like that. I know I shouldn't be too picky, but I really think it would have been better that way, because Buster really was a great character. Layne's (the only of the bullies left alive at the end) solution to the Buster problem, also, was a little farfetched. But I guess it's all right. The scenes where Buster shows up in the dead of night to offer frozen goodies to the children were wonderful. The atmosphere was perfect, and Buster singing "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream" in his creepy clown-voice was awesome. But there were some holes in the story: certain parts that didn't make a lot of sense. I think this installment could have been a lot better, but it wasn't horrible by any means. I'm a firm believer that nothing the Masters of Horror have done is horrible, and I will always love this series. So check out We All Scream for Ice Cream for all your evil clown cravings!

#90 -- Doghouse (2009)

Director: Jake West
Rating: 4/5

It seems like when I watch a spur of the moment movie, it turns out to be awesome. Doghouse is about a group of guys who want to get away from their wives, girlfriends, or boyfriends. Yeah, there's a gay guy, but he's not the typical homo. He's braver than the rest, and constantly tells them to stop acting gay. Anyways, they travel out to a village in the middle of nowhere to have their little getaway. But when they get to the village, Moodley, they discover that all the men are missing and the women have turned into man-thirsty zombies. Now, these aren't your average shuffling-brain eating zombies. These women are fast, strong, and fucking vicious.

Apparently, this was caused by some sort of military experiment (what zombie virus isn't?), and the only way to slow them down is a sort of dog whistle - an extremely high pitched sound wave that only women can hear. Doghouse is kind of like Shaun of the Dead. I'm not saying they're exactly alike, but they do have similarities. 1) They're British 2) There are tons of zombies 3) They're both funny as hell. I was pleasantly surprised with this one. It had me laughing from about three seconds in, and I hardly stopped the entire time. There are many different types of zombies in this one: surgeons, fat ladies, crossing guards, even one woman who looks like Xena the Warrior Princess. There are guys in drag, as well (as an attempt to "blend in"). Everything is just so out there and amazing that a sane person couldn't help but hate it. But since I am far from being a sane person - I really loved it. It's got everything I love: zombies, hot foreign accents, lots of gore, and plenty of humor. So, check it out my fellow zombie lovers! You won't be disappointed.

Favorite Types of Kills

Kills are a very important aspect of horror movies; they’ve just got to be awesome. There are certain types of kills that really get my blood pumping.

Disembowelment

Dawn of the Dead

Ah, the always-amazing gutting. I love seeing someone’s guts spilling out on the floor. Zombies are pretty fucking good at this.

Impaling

Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter

Kind of like stabbing, only better. Seeing someone with a pole, or a sword, or any other sort of large object jutting out of the majority of their body – that’s awesome.

Bare-hands

Friday the 13th III: 3D

It’s really amazing to see a killer use nothing but their bare hands. It is a showcase of incredible strength, and it makes me happy inside. Jason Voorhees is really good at this. I love it when he squishes someone’s head, rips their heart out, rips limbs off, etc. It’s incredible.

Stabbing

Psycho

Yeah, it’s simple, but you really can’t go wrong with it. As long as the killer doesn’t rely on this alone, it’s perfectly fine. And as long as there’s lots and lots of blood, it’s great in my book.

Torture

Saw II

Yeah, I’m a sicko, but whatevs. I love seeing someone subjected to such excruciating pain that they wish they were dead – oooh yes. The Saw series is a really good example of this. I love all of Jigsaw’s devices, and those kills were so brutal they really appealed to my gore whore senses.

Creative kills

A Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors

These are the kind of kills that can’t be described, because they can’t be put into a category. It’s just something the writer’s came up with and put to screen. I love strange and creative kills, and seeing something I’ve never seen before.

Now, the only type of kill I consider “bad” is anything done with a gun. I hate guns. They are so fucking boring, and I’m always disappointed when I see them in horror movies. Come up with something awesome, people! Put the gun down, and grab the samarai sword. Please and thank you.
So what are your favorite types of kills? Any kills you find dull? Share!

#89 -- Halloween Night (2006)

Director: Mark Atkins
Rating: 1/5

A young boy named Christopher Vale had the misfortune to witness the rape/murder of his mother, and the suicide of his father. During the course of this, he became horribly burned and was eventually sent to a mental institution. After killing two guards, he escaped from the asylum, and made his way back home to find his mother's body. Along the way, of course, he had to kill some kids.

These kids were having a pretty neat Halloween party, aside from a horribly cruel prank played by the host. The mysterious man in the executioner costume was believed to be a friend of the host's, until it was revealed that he was murdering their friends one by one.

So, any of this sounding familiar? This movie is such an obvious rip-off that it's almost sad. And it's not even a rip-off that worked. Christopher Vale was burned, not wearing a pale white mask, but the similarities are undeniable. Even the theme song is similar to that of Halloween. Of course, they couldn't recreate the movie entirely, so there had to be some differences. But I think they could have tried harder to make this movie good on its own. I tried to overlook the wannabe-Halloween and enjoy it on its own, but it was impossible. The acting, aside from a couple of peoples', was horrible. The effects: horrible. The ending: it made no sense. The story? Well, it was good when John Carpenter did it, but not so much here. I could find only two redeeming qualities here. The weapons Vale used, that went along with his executioner's costume, were pretty cool. And it made me realize just how much respect I have for Michael Myers. I've never been a huge fan, but I still think it shouldn't be fucked with. I know Rob Zombie fucked with it, and I liked his version better. But the difference is that Zombie didn't try to hide the fact that he was making Halloween over again. He said, "Look here, I'm re-making this movie." He didn't try to pull it off as a complete work of his own imagination. Maybe I'm looking to much into it; maybe it's not a rip-off. You can watch it and form your own opinions, but mine stands. Ignore the rip-off factor, though, and the movie is still terrible.

I couldn't find any photos to go along with this crapfest, but I didn't worry about it too much. I doubt there would have been anything worth sharing anyway.

#88 -- Tales From the Dead (2008)

Director: Jason Cuadrado
Rating: 3/5

When it comes to Asian horror anthologies, or Asian horror in general, I'm afraid this one falls short. I had high expectations for it, due to my love of Asian horror, but I was a bit disappointed. A woman's car breaks down and she hitches a ride with a young woman who happens to be able to speak to the dead. During their journey, the young medium, Tamika, tells Shoko stories that spirits have told her. In the first story, Tamika visits a house haunted by a murdered couple. The scared homeowners' paralyzed son has dark secrets he cannot tell, but Tamika learns everything. Next, it is the story of a man murdered in a hotel room. He was a member of some sort of group that he intended to rat out. This group apparently did not like the idea very much; they had him suffocated and shot down. But one of the detectives on the case may have some secrets...

In the last story, a young man who is fixated on money and success meets with a man who has an offer. He sells time to the dead, and he wants to buy Yoshi's time. He promises him a life of happiness if he agrees, and Yoshi jumps on the opportunity. However, time is something that should never be squandered.

It turns out that Shoko has some secrets of her own, involving a deadly group of women called The Black Widows. But Tamika already knows, and an angry spirit has asked her to do some pretty awful things.

The stories are okay, I guess. They're not very scary, or even spooky in the way that makes Asian horror so great. I liked the wrap-around story much better, and it is the reason that this movie gets a three star rating from me. It was twisted and interesting, and much better than the others. Overall, it's a must see for other Asian horror lovers like myself, of course. But don't expect it to be as amazing as some others.

#87 -- Strangeland (1998)

Warning: May contain spoilers

Director: John Pieplow
Rating: 2/5

I'd been wanting to see this movie for years, simply because I liked the cover. I was intrigued. But I guess you shouldn't judge a movie by its cover. "Captain Howdy" (played by Dee Snider) wanted to give young people a heightened spiritual...something. I'm not quite sure, because he was batshit crazy and didn't make a whole lot of sense. I did get that he wanted to teach them to turn pain into pleasure. He lured people to his home via a chat room and tortured them using body modification. He used suspension, piercings in places they shouldn't be (or at least, that's what his victims thought), and loads of other things. It was pretty graphic, and it had the potential to be wonderful. But it was not...

Captain Howdy was arrested, found not guilty because of insanity, released and given some happy pills. The pills actually worked. He went through a gigantic transformation, apologized for what he'd done, and tried to live a normal life. However, there were some people in town who didn't believe that he'd changed, including Robert Englund as the crazy drunk guy. Crazy Drunk was convinced that Howdy had his daughter (even though she was safely naked underneath her boyfriend), so he formed a lynch mob. His mob kidnapped Howdy and drug him out into the woods to hang him. But thanks to a faulty tree branch and a bunch of lost medication, Howdy was free to do his stuff again.

I wonder if those piercings are real...

Strangeland mostly follows a detective trying to find his daughter and take Howdy out. There's not much action, and it's pretty damn boring. The "torture" scenes and body modifications are pretty cool, but it's not enough. The whole "batshit crazy, arrested, released, reformed, batshit crazy again" thing was annoying and just seemed...weird.

They actually call this movie "Dee Snider's Strangeland." But I'm not sure why; it didn't seem like he had any part in the making of the movie, though I could be wrong. I'm not sure. But I did learn that Dee Snider is an awful actor. Love the guy, but he's terrible. Strangeland did have a pretty kickass soundtrack, though. It includes Pantera, Sevendust, and of course Twisted Sister. That's the only redeeming quality of this crapfest. So overall, didn't enjoy this one.

#86 -- Forget Me Not (2009)

Director: Tyler Oliver
Rating: 4 / 5

I've had this in my Netflix queue for quite some time, but it was one of those "sounds interesting, but I'm not sure" type of things. I chose it today because I didn't want to spend hours trying to decide which movie to watch. And I'll tell you, I'm glad I did. The synopsis is a bit vague, and it really doesn't do this movie justice. Sandy is a pretty, popular girl with a wonderful life ahead of her. When she and her friends play an innocent game after their graduation party, things go horribly wrong. The game goes like this: one person is "the ghost," and they have to chase the others through the graveyard. When someone is touched, they become a ghost too. The last person left "alive" wins. This particular night, though, the game turns out to not be so innocent. One by one, Sandy's friends begin dying off in pretty gruesome ways. And just like in their game, once one of them dies, they become one of the "ghosts." But they don't just die; they're completely erased. The only person who can remember those who have died is Sandy. She has to figure out what's going on and how to keep anyone else from dying. Her past comes back to haunt her, and she just may be to blame for her friends' deaths.



The acting is very well done, the effects are amazing, and this one's pretty damn good. I'm fairly sure that it was originally an Asian movie, and I'm pretty disappointed in having found the remake first. But since I really liked this one, I can only imagine how wonderful the original is and can't wait to find it. The "ghosts" in Forget Me Not are creepy as hell, and I found myself wanting to shut my eyes at certain points. I know, I'm a wimp, but I don't care. The characters were very likeable, and I grew to care about them (every movie should have good characters like this), especially Sandy's brother Eli. It was a spur of the moment choice with this one, but overall it is a wonderful movie.

Elements of Horror

I read a few articles about this, but most seem to look into the psychological side of things: what in our psyche draws us to horror. But that's not what I was looking for. So, I'll just tell you what I think the elements of good horror are. Movies don't have to have every single one of these to be good (because that probably wouldn't make much sense anyway), but I think they should have at least a couple.

1. A good (or at least understandable) storyline.
Of course. If we don't know what the hell is going on, we're not going to be interested. I tend to like romantic background stories involving the characters, or some other kind of sob story. It just makes me sympathize with them, and I want them to survive that much more. Plus, there's got to be a good story about the killer(s) as well. I also tend to like sad or traumatic story for them. I like that love/hate relationship I can feel for the killers.

2. Creative kills & lots of gore.
No one wants to see a bunch of people get stabbed in the gut. A knife will get boring after a while, so we need to have some creative and unique kills going on. I think A Nightmare on Elm Street is absolutely fantastic in this category. Since Freddy kills in peoples' dreams, there's literally nothing he can't do, and the resulting kills end up pretty fucking epic. Some people will say that the kills don't matter, and that the story is the most important thing, but that's a load of horseshit. The story is important, yes, but without those awesome kills why bother coming back for more? And yes, I'm a gore whore, so the bloodier and more vicious the better.

3. Lighting
I realize not all horror relies on creepy lighting, but I love the effect it can have. Something popping out of shadows, or being barely visible, or maybe just slightly blurry. I also like the kind of dark lighting a lot of supernatural horror has. It just adds a little oompf to what is already a good movie.

4. Music.
Yes, yes, yes. Think about it. There's a woman hiding, the killer is close by, and about to sneak up on her. It's something very simple, and if it is completely silent, the tension will be gone. The suspenseful music just makes our hearts beat faster.


_{I think Asian horror is very good with all of this (except the titties). Their use of lighting is amazing, the storyline is always good and the villains (or ghosts, usually) are always sympathetic. And they're always just downright creepy as hell.}

5.The setting.
It really does matter where a movie takes place. Some places just aren't scary (even though I realize some movies actually succeed in making non-scary places scary). I always like woods, carnivals, and creepy old houses.

6. Titties
Yes, I said it. I know I'm a girl, but I grew up watching 80s slasher movies. I'm set in my ways, and I stand firm by my belief that if I don't see titties, it ain't a horror movie. Not literally, of course, but it just kind of makes everything better. Everybody loves some good T & A.

7. A good villain.
This might be the most important. I already said that the killer must have a good story, but there are other things that make a good killer. He (or she) should have some sort of thing. Like, he always chains his victims up, always takes their eyes as trophies, or always jacks off over his corpses. It doesn't matter. He needs some kind of constant thing. He also must be vicious, unstoppable, and just downright awesome. He doesn't have to be super strong, but if he's not he should be super smart. If he doesn't rely on his strength to get good kills, he should rely on his brains.

8. Good victims.
Some people might say, "Who cares about them, they're going to die anyway." But it's very important. They should be likeable and interesting. Otherwise, we won't give a shit about them and the whole movie will be ruined. I've watched several movies with completely dull, and the whole thing was ruined for me. So the other characters are very important.

9. Scary moments.
This one's simple. It's those oh shit moments, the ones that make you want to jump out of your seat or shit your pants. The moments that shock & awe you and leave you on the edge of your seat begging for more. I love it.

10. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
Most of my favorite movies include all of this. It's typical, but it works. There's usually a group of people getting fucked up, partying and getting it on. It's all fun and games and then BAM! A bunch of dead fuckers.

11. Comic relief.
I love when a horror movie has a certain character that is fucking hilarious. That way we can laugh, get scared for a minute, laugh again - at least until the funny-man is killed. Think of Ned in the first Friday the 13th. He was silly and made us laugh all the way until he was killed. In A Nightmare on Elm Street, the comic relief happened to be the killer, which gave us a strange but wonderful feeling. In The Evil Dead, it was the hero that was our funny-man, and we all severely love him for it. It's kind of like life. There's got to be some entertainment and some funny stuff amidst all the horror.

#85 -- Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood (1988)

Director: John Carl Buechler

Rating: 5 / 5

First and foremost: Happy Friday the 13th! You know I'll jump on any excuse to talk about my beloved, and here it is. Up until now, I've been doing my Friday reviews in order of their release, but I figured I'd skip a couple so I could do this one. Part seven happens to be my favorite in the series; I cannot get enough of it. So, here we go.

This story is about a girl named Tina. When she was a little girl, her dad hit her mom in an argument. She was so pissed, she killed her dad using telekinesis. Yep, we've got a fucking superhero on our hands in this one, guys. Well, now Tina's all grown up. But her mind's a little frazzled, so she returns to the lake with her mother and her psychiatrist - to exorcise her demons, I guess you could say. Tina actually turns out to be pretty badass.

Tina gets chummy with a boy next door, who is throwing a surprise birthday party for his cousin. But cousin doesn't show up, and Tina's having visions that tell them why. All the kids next door are just like any other teenagers from Friday movies: drunk, fucking, and fucking dumb. Tina gets upset and, while trying to use her telekinesis to bring her father back from the dead, calls Jason up from the depths of Crystal Lake. Tina tries to save all the other dumbshit teenagers, but what's a girl to do when everyone just thinks she's crazy? Her psychiatrist, it turns out, is not concerned with Tina's well being at all - he's just studying her abilities so he can flaunt them. So when get a saw-thing to his face, we're all pretty happy (I'm actually not entirely sure what that weapon was, but it was pretty badass).

I've heard people say that this movie sucks, because it's too "gimmicky". But what the hell? They were trying something new, and even if you don't like the whole telekinesis thing, you've got to admit this movies fucking awesome. And if you don't, well then, fuck you. Like I said, this is my favorite movie EVER, and here are some reasons why.

- This was the first of four that Kane Hodder put on the hockey mask, and he wore it oh so fucking well. The effects team did an AMAZING job, and I think Jason looks better than he ever did before or ever will again. Half his face is missing, you can see his spine and some of the bones in his legs. He's vicious and terrifying and I fucking LOVE IT. Not only was the look better, but the character was better. I know I rant all the time about how awesome Kane is, but I just can't help it. Jason's rage can be felt in this one. I think Kane himself was angry about something, and this was his way of letting that out. Way to go, Kane, way to go. I love it!

- There are some pretty badass kills in this one too. There are spikes to throats, big saw-things to faces, axes & machetes to faces, and a whole lot of other awesome shit.

This should say it all. Am I the only one with a dirty mind who thinks his face looks like a lady's no-no parts?

So, to sum it up. THIS MOVIE FUCKING RULES. It might be a little "gimmicky" but who the fuck cares? I think this is the scariest out of all the rest, and everyone who worked on it did an amazing job.

So rock on, Jason. Happy 13th, now go kill some fuckers for me.

#84 -- Masters of Horror: Valerie on the Stairs (2006)

Director: Mick Garris

Rating: 3 / 5

Valerie on the Stairs was written for MoH by none other than Clive Barker (it was not an actual story, but an idea sent over to MoH). I haven't read very much of his work, but Clive Barker has quickly become one of my favorite authors. Now, if Valerie had been a short story or a book, I'm sure it would have been extraordinary. But as an entry into the Masters of Horror series, in my opinion, it's simply good.

The story centers on Rob, a struggling writer with bills to pay and a book to publish. He finds a house that gives free rooms to unpublished writers, and promptly moves in. As soon as he does, though, strange things start to happen.

It starts as a knocking at Rob's door; when he opens it, there's no one there. Then he starts hearing a woman crying, and he finally sees her on the stairs. She cries out for help, but eventually tells Rob to stay away from her because "he" doesn't want her to see him. She is terribly afraid of whoever "he" is, but seems to return to him every time he calls. Rob goes crazy trying to reveal the mysteries surrounding Valerie. He discovers that Valerie is the creation of three of the writers in the house. Their imaginations have come to life, to live inside the walls. One man, Everett (played by Christopher Lloyd), created The Beast (Tony Todd) that keeps Valerie prisoner. Rob and Everett must travel down to the monster's lair in order to destroy it and rescue Valerie.

This one is the only of the Masters of Horror series that I think would have been better as a full length movie. This isn't to say that it isn't good, or doesn't pack an awful lot of story into a short time. But I think it could have used a little bit more explanation, mostly about Valerie and The Beast, and how she came to be imprisoned by him. It has its good moments, and some pretty vicious kill scenes, and is definitely worth the viewing. It is very strange, in a good way, and I think it definitely found its place in MoH.

To read Clive Barker's "treatment," as he calls it, go here.

#83 -- The Woman in Black (2012)

Director: James Watkins

Rating: 3 / 5

My boyfriend knew that I would not want to see a romantic movie on the most romantic day of the year (Valentine's Day), so for our special V-Day date, we saw The Woman in Black. I'm kind of a late bloomer when it comes to popular things, so I am just now reading the Harry Potter books. I found it difficult to restrain myself from screaming "Harry Potter! Harry Potter" (like on the Potter Pals) when Mr. Radcliffe first appeared. But I was able to direct my attention to the movie and his new character (Arthur Kipps) rather quickly.

Years ago, a woman adopted her sister's son because she found her to be an unfit mother. However, the young boy was killed in the marsh around their home, and his birth mother was very unhappy about it. She'd been trying to get her son back, or at least be able to see him once in a while (they wouldn't even give him her birthday cards), to no avail. She blamed her sister for his death, and soon after took her own life.

In the present, that sister has died, and Mr. Arthur Kipps has been sent to her home to arrange all of her things. He is warned by several villagers that the house is very haunted and very dangerous, but he doesn't believe it at first. After he arrives and takes a look around the house, children start to die. It seems that the villagers don't like him at all, and somehow blame him for the children's deaths. He soon finds out (after he's trapped in the house with no way of leaving) that the suicide victim is haunting the house. She is angry about her son's death, and takes other people's children as a way of consoling herself. One villager told Kipps that, once she is spotted, a child is killed. They're not actually killed, though; The Woman in Black appears to them and convinces them to take their own lives. Children can be seen jumping from windows, lighting themselves on fire, or drinking lye in order to get the job done. Kipps knows he must do something (perhaps reunite the woman with her son), or none of the town's children will be safe. There's only one problem...His own son will be coming to visit him very shortly, and he must find a solution before his child's life is in danger as well.

There are definitely some spooky parts in this movie, and it did make me jump a couple of times. But I think it relied to much on the startle factor, rather than actual fear. We all know the scenes in "ghost" movies, where the spirits pop out of nowhere, or appear in mirrors, etc. These were used to the fullest extent, almost to the point that it seemed overdone. The story was pretty good, and I thought it was filmed beautifully. But was it a great movie? No, but it wasn't awful either. I think Daniel proved himself a pretty good actor outside of his safe zone, and I wish him all the best with his future projects. But overall, this one could have been much better. I think I will have to look into the original film (which I didn't know about until after I'd already seen this one), and see how it compares.

A New Toy and Some News

I guess lately I'm using my blog as a way to update on the status of my little horror collection. I promise it won't be like this forever. But I went back to my new favorite place on Wednesday and bought this cute little guy. The lady laughed at me when I took it to the counter. She said she couldn't believe how popular he still is. Really? He's fucking awesome; what do you expect? But I digress. I believe I'll try to go back every weekend to get something new, and hopefully I'll get a wonderful collection going. I'm pretty proud of it as it is, and it will only continue to get better. I found a Nightmare on Elm Street matchbox car to match my F13 one, and I shall get that one next time. And then...I'm thinking an Evil Dead action figure, so that I can remember Ash as he was and always should be.

Which brings me to my next topic. Some news for you guys. BloodyDisgusting posted an article about the Evil Dead reboot, which has just cast its first character - the male lead. They're going with something a little bit different this time, as they are not using the Ash character. Yes, that's right. So we'll have an Evil Dead movie without Ash. It just doesn't make sense to me, how they can take away a series' most important character. It's like F13 without Jason, or NOES without Freddy. It's just not right. So, although Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are producers on the film, I'm not quite as excited as I thought I'd be. I honestly think they should just skip the reboot and do a fourth movie, with Ash, played by Bruce Campbell. The after-years, or something. I understand Bruce is getting a bit old for the character (at least if they want to start up where they left off), so I guess it's a good thing they chose to exclude him. Because NO ONE else could pull that character off the way he did. But still, I'm not digging the idea. But I will still be seeing the movie, and who knows...Maybe it'll be good.

So what are your thoughts on it? Is it right to take Ash out of the Evil Dead?

To read the full article, go to http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/news/28187

New F13 Memorabilia

So, I haven't blogged in quite some time, and I know I should probably come back with a super awesome movie review. But, I'm not going to do that. Why? Because I'm too damn excited to show off what I bought over the weekend. My boyfriend and I went thrift store hopping. I was searching for some kind of knick-knack to zombify. I didn't find anything in that department, but I found something wonderful when we stopped in a little comic book/toy store: A Friday the 13th Matchbox car. Yeah, I said it. It's cute, I'm sure it'll be worth some money one day (not that I'd EVER sell it), and I only paid ten bucks for it. Score!


Voila!

I guess Jason must be preying on dwarves these days, because he's twice as big as that van. But oh well. It's cute and I love it! The store where I bought it had tons of horror movie stuff: more Friday figures, along with A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Scream, Evil Dead, and even The Munsters! Oh boy, I can't wait to go back and get some more.

#82 -- Chillerama (2011)

Directors: Adam Green, Joe Lynch, Bear McCreary, Adam Rifkin & Tim Sullivan

Rating: 4 / 5

Hello, hello. I'm not dead, I swear! Well, maybe a little, but that's beside the point. But with all the excitement with Christmas and New Year's, I just haven't found the time to write much of anything. Or, if I'm completely honest, I just haven't felt like it. But I thought it was about time I return. Anyways, I was dying to see Chillerama the second I saw an advertisement about it, because I thought it would be totally hilarious. So of course, when my boyfriend gave it to me for Christmas, I made him watch it with me that night. I'm not sure he liked it too much. But my verdict? I wasn't wrong.

It basically pays tribute to the double features of old (except it's more of a quadruple feature). It starts off with a man paying a visit to his wife - in her grave. He hates her for some reason, and decides to rape her corpse. Only his wife doesn't like that idea too much, so she rises from the dead to bite his wiener off. He bleeds neon blue blood all over the graveyard and, instead of going to the hospital, he decides to go to work. Where does he work, you ask? Well, at the drive in movie theater, of course. He cleans himself up in the back room, and washes his bloody hands in the popcorn butter. We know then that the unlucky moviegoers are going to have a very interesting night...The theater patrons watch four films, only three of which we get to see in their entirety.

In Wadzilla, a man is upset because he can't donate his sperm. His count is extremely - and I mean extremely - low. It appears that he can only produce a single little sperm at a time. So, in an effort to raise his count a bit, the doctor gives him an experimental drug supposed to do just that. But instead of making him create more sperm, it only strengthens the one he has - and it grows, and grows, and grows. Every time he becomes aroused, he gets a terrible pain in his testicles, and the doctor tells him the only thing he can do is relieve them of their tension. So, when a blind date gets his blood flowing, he relieves himself in her bathroom. What emerges is a monstrous sperm monster that is intent on finding an egg - in the man's date! They escape, but so does the monster. It terrorizes the city, and it grows more and more with each passing moment. When it is at its largest, the only possible mate for it is Lady Liberty herself.

Wadzilla is my favorite of the four films. It is so goddamn gross its funny. We happened to be eating dinner when we were watching it, and I noticed my mom was having trouble getting her food down, which kind of made it even funnier. The effects are (I assume) purposely horrible, and that just makes it all the better.

I Was A Teenage Werebear - When you hear "werebear," you think that these people will be transforming into cute little grizzly bears, right? Wrong. They're not bears as in "ROAR, eat your face" kind of bears. They're bears in the "rawr, eat your ass" kind of bears, complete with leather chaps. It seems that arousal brings about the transformation, and makes the werebears want to either a) rape someone or b) rip someone to pieces. Oh, and it is a musical. Our gay friends sing little songs throughout the whole thing. This one cracked me up, because it was so stupid. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just what it is. It wasn't the best one of the bunch, but it was definitely entertaining.

The Diary of Anne Frankenstein will have you rolling in your seat! Well, not literally, but you will laugh, I assure you. So, apparently, Anne and her family are relatives of Victor Frankenstein. After the scandal involving the Monster, the Frankenstein family shortened their name to Frank. Anne's family has possession of Victor's diary, and Hitler simply must get his dirty little hands on it. He plans to create some kind of super soldier, using the bodies of fallen Jews. But what he creates instead is an angry Jewish monster. The monster is played by my favorite of all the monsters, Kane Hodder, and the whole movie is worth owning for the simple fact that I got to see him dance. However, I must admit that the best part of this one was Joel David Moore's horrible German. All of the other actors spoke correct German. He, on the other hand, just made shit up. And it made for some hilarious movie-viewing. At one point, he yelled "Kill!" about twenty times, using a different word each time.

The fourth movie that the movie-goers watch is all about shit. We don't get to see this movie, and I'm thankful for that. Instead, our attention is turned to what is going on in the theater.

Zom-B-Movie - This one continues where the opening sequence left off. The penis-less man's blood has gotten into the popcorn, and has turned everyone into horny zombies. So we have, all around the parking lot, zombies raping humans and turning them into horny zombies. Our two remaining characters lock themselves in the car and, since they've just realized that they love each other, decide to have sex. But the owner of the theater is very prepared, and all is perhaps not lost.

All in all, Chillerama is a wonderful movie, and will be loved by horror fans across the globe, I'm sure. It's one of those movies that is so goofy you can't help but love it. This is honestly my favorite type of horror movie. I get to see blood and guts and murder - all that good shit - plus I get to laugh my ass off. It's a win-win situation, and Chillerama definitely delivers the goods.

Happy Birthday

So, today is my 22nd birthday. Here's what I've done so far today:
1) I went shopping with my dad, to find my boyfriend's Christmas gifts. My dad bought me lunch at a yummy Mexican restaurant.
2) I came home to a birthday cake that my mom and cousin made for me.



My mom knows me well enough to make me a monster cake. I love her. :)

3) I tried to make some Christmas cookies, and I completely ruined them. The first batch was 100% BURNED, and the second batch...Well, something happened to the dough so that I couldn't even cut it with my awesome Christmas cookie cutters. I'm not sure what I did, but I'm still pretty upset about it. Explanation: I've been on a diet for the last month or so, and I've pretty much cut out all sweets. My boyfriend calls me the cookie monster, so you can guess that I FUCKING LOVE COOKIES. I was extremely excited to get a cookie for my birthday, but alas...I fucked up. Store-bought Christmas cookies, anyone?

4) Now...I'm bored, and desperately wishing that I had a cookie. My boyfriend is out shopping with my mom, and I'm watching my step-son play Super Mario Sluggers on the Wii.



PS. I really want a cookie. :(

13 Days of Creepmas, Day 13

So, it's the last day of Creepmas, and I'm fresh out of ideas. At least I lasted this long, right? Anyways, today I guess I'll share with you my plans for Christmas. It probably won't be too interesting, but I'm excited.

First of all, my eight year-old stepson will be coming to stay with us on the 22nd (the day before my birthday!). We'll be getting cookie dough and making Christmas cookies with him. Except I've kind of rubbed off on the poor boy, and he's loving zombies lately. He wants to make Zombie Santa cookies. We'll also be making a gingerbread house. I'm especially excited about this, because I've never made one before and I've always wanted to. I'm glad I'll get to experience that with him. And knowing the two of us, it will probably be a haunted gingerbread house.

After that, we'll be going to my boyfriend's sister's house on Christmas eve. We'll spend the night, and come back home to spend the rest of Christmas with my mom and dad. I'm expecting some horror-related gifts, because...well, my family knows me very well. I will post photos of those (if I'm right), and the cookies I'll be making with my little buddy. I'm really excited about this Christmas, mostly because of my newfound family. I think I've gotten some great things for everyone and I can't wait to hand out my gifts. It won't be extremely eventful, but I suspect I will have a great Christmas this year.

So, what are your plans for Christmas? Anything spooky going on? Or, like me, will you be spending a nice calm Christmas with the ones you love? Christmas is less than two weeks away, so I hope everyone's gotten all their shopping done. I know I haven't! But let me know what your plans are. Maybe some of you can give me some more spooky ideas. :)

In the meantime, remember....

Have yourself a scary little Christmas.

13 Days of Creepmas, Day 12

There's no doubt that there is a lot of creepy Christmas stuff in the world. Some of them I'm not sure are intentional. I've found some bizarre things throughout Creepmas, and I'd like to share some of those things with you.

Creepy/weird Christmas

<sub>This thing is creepy, and AMAZING!


Can anyone say "still lives with his mom?"


WTF? Is that a monkey raping a yeti? Just...what the hell.


Frankie wishes you all a Merry Creepmas


Living Dead Doll Nohell. She's creepy & cute. Look closely, and you'll see her pupils are snowflakes. :) They're all sold out at the moment, but you can check it out here.


Again...What the hell? And she's a red-head. We've already got a bad name, do you really have to make it worse?


This scares me more than it should, probably.


Zombie Santa says "fuck you" to Christmas.


I'm not sure why, but this Frosty, to me, is creepy as hell!</sub>

What do you guys think? Have you found any creepy Christmas cards? That's what I was looking for, but I couldn't find too many. I'd love to see some if you've found them!

13 Days of Creepmas, Day 11

Once again, I have more creepy Christmas music. This is a little bit different than the others, because the music is actually beautiful. I found it randomly through Google, and I really enjoyed it. It's called "Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas." Yes, that is the same title as the Tales From the Crypt Christmas CD, but this is very different. A pianist named Kris Knight takes classic Christmas tunes and gives them a sinister little twist. Not only is it creepy, it is incredibly beautiful music. The website allows you to hear clips of each of the songs, and you can buy the entire album on Amazon if you wish.

Go to scarylittlechristmas.com to hear this wonderful music.