#333 -- Albino Farm (2009)

Directors: Joe Anderson & Sean McEwen
Rating: 3 / 5

There were a few reasons that I found this interesting. First, and most obvious, the synopsis and title together gave me an idea of what the movie was about, and I liked it. Second, Chris Jericho. I like his in-ring character, so I was interested in seeing what type of character he'd be playing here. From the title and the little bit of information in the synopsis, I thought that this was going to be about some kind of farm where people are transformed into mutants; then, said mutants run rampant throughout the town, and these random kids will have to fight for their lives. It was nothing like that. I'll get to it in a moment.

First, let's meet our characters. Stacy, the final girl who is far from interesting. Brian, the asshole. Melody, the skanky one (because she took her tits out to convince Jericho and company to take them to the Albino Farm). And Sanjay, the nerd/token minority. None of these characters were extremely interesting. I'd say my favorite was Sanjay, but that's just because I have a soft spot for nerds. He didn't have that many lines, and he wasn't all that interesting either. The most interesting thing about them was how stupid they were. So, they were going on a trip, of course. Doing a project for school on rural America and its legends, or something like that. They get a flat tire after almost running over a dwarf, and they end up at a gas station where a fat blind man tells them that they should go home. He says something about a legend, mutters nonsense no one understands, and convinces the kids that they just have to find out what this legend is all about. So, they go in search of it. In the town of Shiloh, they find out that these people aren't normal; they all suffer from a deformity of some sort. Some just have hair-lips or crooked eyes; some others have claw hands and other nasty stuff. No one wants to tell them anything about the Albino Farm. Still convinced that it's real and they have to find it, they continue on their journey, until they meet Jericho and company. After paying them twenty bucks and flashing some boobies at them, they agree to take them where they want to go.

The Albino Farm is a fenced in establishment where mutants run around killing people. These people are seriously fucked up, and they're pretty angry about something. Maybe they just don't like outsiders. So, one by one, the group starts to die off. The last two end up in some caves, running from the mutants and blowing shit up.

I was kind of confused about all this at first, but I think I get it. The townspeople were all uber religious (which I'm sure is completely shocking to everyone). There was some scripture that said something about deformed people being cast out. So, I assume that all these deformed folks were imprisoned in the "farm," and some of their descendants were still there, just waiting until some poor kids showed up. That doesn't really explain how the other people were free (they weren't as bad as those in the farm, but they were still technically deformed in some way). I guess that, after so many years, they realized what they were doing wasn't right and stopped imprisoning people. Some were just unlucky.

The movie wasn't great. There wasn't a lot of suspense, and it wasn't entirely unique. We've all seen this shit many times before. I will say, though, that the creature effects were wonderful. The mutants in the farm were truly disgusting and ugly; and they looked great. The acting? It was okay. I really enjoyed Chris Jericho, though. I like him inside the ring; even when he's being a dick, he's entertaining. Some people have problems with his character here, because he's a dumb redneck (his in-ring persona is very intelligent), but I still found him entertaining. He was funny, and definitely the most interesting character of the lot. It was just too bad that he wasn't present more often. The movie really tried, but it just fell short. It had some things going for it, but in the end it was completely forgettable.

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