#12 -- Staunton Hill (2009)

Director: George Cameron Romero
Rating: 2 / 5

Reading the synopsis, this movie sounds good; it's a good story. It could have been, at least. And the fact that it was created by George A. Romero's son makes you think, "Hey! This might be good." But after watching it, I'm only thinking, "Hey, I think Georgie's wifey might'a had a 'lil somethin' something' on the side." Because he sure didn't pass his talents onto his son.

Staunton Hill follows a group of friends who are traveling. They meet up with a guy at a garage, and he offers to give them a ride. They end up at an old farmhouse. Everything is fine for a while, except for the dumb kid that they all make fun of. And then people start dying. 

The film-makers don't try to hide anything. You know who the killer is from the beginning, and it doesn't take long for you to figure out the "why." There is no suspense at all. It's zzzz...boring. It seems like they're selling fresh body parts on some sort of black market for dumb hillbillies. But it turns out that there was a little girl who had been in an accident, and they are trying to find the parts to stitch her back together again. I'm not quite sure if they sold things aside from that, but I'm not going to watch it again to find out. Nuh-uh, no way, Jose. 

The killer isn't actually that bad of a guy (dumb, but not too bad). You'll actually feel a bit sorry for him. If not for his fat, overbearing mother and asshole of a grandmother, he probably wouldn't be caught up in this mess. In fact, our heroin survives only because she told him she was his friend.

This movie definitely stinks. But it wasn't entirely unwatchable - I did actually sit through the whole thing - which is why I gave it two stars instead of one. But still, I wouldn't recommend this one. If you're drunk, maybe - REALLY drunk - you might enjoy it. But otherwise...Just don't.


#11 -- Ginger Snaps (2000)

Director: John Fawcett
Rating: 5 / 5

Out by sixteen, or dead in the scene, but together forever

This movie stars Katharine Isabelle (who has become one of my favorite actresses) and Emily Perkins (you might remember her as a young Beverly in Stephen King's "It") as two outcast sisters in high school. They are picked on constantly, but Ginger doesn't mind at all; she is a tough girl and can stick up for her self. Brigitte is the shy one, and she needs her sister.

For a project in school, they take photos of each other "being dead." These photos are completely incredible and show exactly how twisted the sisters are. They also have a pact to commit suicide when they both turn sixteen. And their motto is "out by sixteen or dead in the scene, but together forever."

When a girl at school hurts Brigitte, Ginger vows to get revenge. They plan to kidnap the girl's dog and hide it, to make it look as if it were killed by The Beast of Baily Downs (a beast who has been killing the local dogs). When they get there, though, the dog is already dead. So, they decide to move him to be sure that she will see. In the midst of all this, Ginger gets "the curse." If you're a female reading this, you know what that means. If you're a male, well...I'm sure you can figure it out. Anyhow, as they're leaving Ginger is attacked by a wild animal (The Beast). 

Immediately Ginger begins to change. She becomes sexually promiscuous and distant from her sister. She is fighting with other girls and getting in trouble at school. She starts off by killing the neighbor's dog ("He just kept barking, and barking, and barking"), and ends up killing one of her teachers and a janitor. They begin spiraling downward as Ginger tries to have as much fun as possible, while Brigitte searches desperately for a cure for her sister.

She finds this cure with the local stoner and pot-grower. It is a flower that they must break down into a liquid and inject into the infected. While transporting Ginger in the back of Sam's van, her change is completed. They are chased throughout their house, and Brigitte finally has the chance to inject the cure.

Yes, even as a werewolf, she still has boobs.

Ginger Snaps is one of the best werewolf movies out there. The effects are wonderful, the transformation scenes are gruesome and frightening, the characters are lovable, quirky, and interesting, and at the heart of it...it's a sweet story about two sisters who will do anything for one another. When I first saw it, it scared me half to death; now it's easily one of my favorite movies. So if you're into werewolves, you've probably already seen it. But if not, you should go do that right now!


#10 -- Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Director: Dan O'Bannon
Rating: 5 / 5

The '80s is my favorite decade for movies. They're not the greatest in any sense - the acting, direction, filming, effects. But that's part of what makes them the greatest, and they're the most entertaining and creative. They just don't make them like that anymore. This movie is a great example of that. No, it's not perfect. But it is amazing. 

We start off with Freddy, who has just started a new job at a medical supply warehouse. His boss is showing him around, and they end up in the basement. He shows him a couple vats of something. It is a military drug called Trioxin that they used to bring soldiers back to life. His boss tells him that it's built strong and nothing can break it. He then slaps it, and it breaks open, filling the air with a mist of Trioxin. They inhale a great deal of it and end up getting "sick." Everything in the place starts coming to life. There are little butterflies tacked to boards that begin fluttering around; there are little half-dogs that are used for study; and a corpse hanging in a freezer. When the corpse came out, I just knew I was going to hate this movie. It was green and it looked like it was made out of plastic. They cut his head off, and he started running around like a chicken with...Well, you know the rest. And I thought, "Wow, this is so stupid." I didn't think, at that point, that this would become one of my favorite movies. The original zombie, known affectionately by ROTLD fans as "Tarman," that came from the Trioxin vat has become the most famous character in this entire series. 

Meanwhile, Freddy's girlfriend Tina is hanging out in the graveyard with his punk friends: Trash, Suicide, Spider, Scuz, and a couple others that I can't remember. They are accosted by zombies and are forced to run into the warehouse.

Freddy and his bosses (the big boss has showed up) cut up the green guy and decide to take him to the cemetery where there is a crematorium. They tell the mortician that they have rabid weasels that they want to burn alive. But the mortician will not do it, and eventually learns the truth. When he realizes that there's a zombie in those bags, he is more than happy to burn it up. In doing so, though, more Trioxin leaks from the chimney and into the local graveyard. All the bodies there come to life, and the fun begins.Freddy and Burt (the little boss; the big guy is Frank) also learn something about themselves. They are dying slowly; but they're not dying, exactly. If you know what I mean.

There's a little T & A in this one. We get to see Trash (a pretty hot chick) dance around naked to a song called "Tonight (We'll Make Love 'Till We Die)." And of course, being made in the '80s, there are some funny parts. When Freddy has become a full-fledged zombie, he wants to eat his girlfriend (ha-ha). She's hiding in the attic with the mortician, and you can hear him saying, "Tina! I know you're up there. I can smell your braiiiiinnnnssss!"

There's also a zombie that looks like an old lady. They interrogate her, asking her why she eats people. "Not people, braiiinss," she said. She tells them that being dead hurts and that eating brains "makes the pain go away," and that she can "feel herself rot." Also, we see a little midget zombie eating a paramedic. And the famous line, "Send more paramedics," which inspired a great band.

It may be cheesy but, hell, that's what we like about it. But when you get past the cheese, it's a great movie. It's about zombies; what could possibly go wrong?

# 9 -- Boy Eats Girl (2005)

Director: Stephen Bradley
Rating: 5 / 5

Shot in Ireland, this movie follows a love-stricken teenager, Nathan. He's in love with one of his best friends, Jessica, but he's too chicken to ask her out. So, his friends take it upon themselves. They send her a text message with his phone, telling her to meet him at their little hangout spot. Nathan waits for a while, and Jessica never shows up. It is raining, and he stops at a telephone booth to call her. Her father answers and tells him that she left with another guy - the school bully, Kenneth. As Nathan is walking home, he sees Kenneth in his car. After a few moments, Jessica rises up. It appears that she was giving Kenneth a you-know-what. What Nathan doesn't know is this: Jessica was late because her father wouldn't let her leave. She had to sneak out. Kenneth drove up and offered her a ride. He hit a bump in the road and her flashlight fell to the floor. She was leaning down to pick it up when Nathan saw her. 

Heartbroken, Nathan returns home and gets drunk off a bottle of liquor he had hidden under his bed. In front of his doorway, he has a teddy bear hanging from a noose. He gets a chair, and puts the noose around his neck. I don't think he was actually going to kill himself. He was just sad and drunk - a very bad combination. As he's trying to remove the noose, his mother is coming upstairs to tell him to turn the bloody music down. She opens the door, and it hits the chair, knocking Nathan down and to his death. 

Nathan's mother, very upset, decides to preform a voodoo ritual on him to bring him back to life. She uses a book that she found in the caves underneath the church (the church!). But little does she know, there is a page missing, and the ritual goes horribly, horribly wrong.

Nathan is a rather good zombie. He can control himself. He only bit one person, because he said the wrong thing about Jessica. But the zombie Nathan made created several more, and the town is soon overrun with them.

The gore in this one is quite good, especially in the final scene. They use some large vehicle (I have no idea what it actually was) to run down the zombies. There's blood and guts everywhere, and it is beautiful. 

Also, there are some funny scenes. When Nathan tells his friends what is happening, they want to know what it feels like. "I'm stronger. Faster," he replies. "Whoah! Can you fly?" his friend asks. To which he replies (yells, actually), "No! I can't fly!" And you wouldn't imagine that it would be so funny to shove a golf club into a zombie's mouth. 

This movie is absolutely fantastic. It's got equal parts zombie, humor, and stupid teenage angst to satisfy everyone. It's one of my favorite movies, and everyone should definitely check it out.


# 8 -- Repo: The Genetic Opera (2008)

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman
Rating: 2.5 / 5

I'm not sure why I wanted to see this one. Maybe it's because I found the story intriguing. Plus, it was recommended by a friend, and I trusted her judgement. It's not a bad movie; it's just not quite my cup of tea. I'm not even sure this is considered horror, but it seemed fitting to include it here.

Geneco is a company that specializes in organ transplants and plastic surgery. They offer a payment plan, and if you can't make your payments you'll be visited by the Repo Man. The story follows a girl who suffers from some kind of blood disease. Rotti Largo, the head of Geneco, tells her that he can cure her. But he needs her help first, and it leads to the hardest decision of her life.

Shilo resents her mother, who died giving birth, for passing on her genetic disorder. Her father has kept her locked away all her life, he says, because it's not safe for her outside. We find out later that Shilo's father had found a cure for his wife. He gave it to her while giving birth, and she passed away. Her father has blamed himself all these years, but unbeknownst to him, the blame lies on Rotti Largo's shoulders. He was in love with Shilo's mother, and she left him to be with Nathan. So, Largo killed her and blamed Nathan. And the only way for Rotti to keep Nathan's dirty secret was if Nathan worked for him at Geneco - as the Repo Man. Rotti never forgave Nathan, and ends up asking his own daughter to murder him.

The cinematography is beautiful in this film, and I think it had wonderful potential. It could have been great. But 95% of the film's dialogue was singing, and it was very distracting. I couldn't get into the story that much, because I was focusing on their singing, trying to figure out what they were saying. And it kind of ruined it for me. Now, I've got nothing against musicals - actually, I love them. I love a movie that has a couple amazing songs here and there. But an opera is quite different - every other word is a song. And I just can't handle it. As I said before, it's not a bad movie. It just wasn't for me. 

The best part of this movie was Sarah Brightman as Blind Mag. She was a blind singer who had her eyes genetically altered. She could not only see, but her eyes had the power to "do more than see." She was gorgeous, and her singing was magnificent, as always.

Another good (and funny) part was when Paris Hilton's character Amber Sweet's face fell off due to excessive plastic surgery. 

There were good effects and wonderful filming. So if you're into blood, guts and opera, give it a try.


# 7 -- Dead Silence (2007)

Director: James Wan
Rating: 5 / 5

Beware the stare of Mary Shaw
She had no children, only dolls
And if you see her, do not scream
Or she'll rip your tongue out at the seams

Mary Shaw was a very dedicated ventriloquist, and her dream was to create the perfect dummy. She succeeded at her dream when she created Billy, her most prized possession. One day, when she and Billy were performing, a young boy stood up and challenged her--he said that he could see her lips moving. Mary was obviously very upset by this, since ventriloquism was her passion, and she couldn't let some little squirt call her out. Soon after, that little boy went missing. Nothing was ever proven, but the townspeople blamed her for the boy's disappearance. They tracked her down and killed her, by ripping out her tongue. She had lost her instrument: her voice. Her dying wish was to be buried with all of her dolls, and to be turned into a human dummy. Apparently Mary's soul became trapped inside of Billy, and whoever obtained the doll would be cursed. Once she appeared, the only rule was that the person could not scream, or Mary would rip their tongue out, as the poem implies. 

Dead Silence mainly follows a young man who searches for answers after he and his wife received Billy in the mail. While he was gone, his wife encountered Mary, screamed, and was swiftly killed by the angry spirit. 

What I love about this movie is the atmosphere. It's dark and suspenseful, it makes the heart race, and honestly...it scared the bejeesus out of me. I've seen a lot of horror movies in my lifetime, and I'm not easily frightened by them anymore. So when I find a movie that genuinely scares me, I can't get enough of it. Dead Silence did just that. I will never look at ventriloquist dummies the same ever again. In fact, I don't think I'll look at them period, ever again. I never realized how creepy those things are. 


# 6 -- Night of the Living Dorks (2004)

Director: Mathias Dinter
Rating: 5 / 5

We have three dorks. Philip is the I turn into a blubbering mess when I try to talk to girls type. Wurst isn't really that much of a dork. He's just a stoner. And, my favorite, Konrad. He is the type that wears glasses and gets beat up. He even keeps a record of all his beatings. And then there's Rebecca. She lives next-door to Philip. She's a goth girl who is into witchcraft and voodoo. 

Philip asks Rebecca to make him a love potion, so he can win the heart of the school whore. Rebecca asks him to prove that he takes voodoo seriously by accompanying her and a couple more goth kids to a ceremony in the graveyard. When they get there, they realize that these kids are the absolute WORST at voodoo magic. 

Here's what they need for their ceremony: a live sacrifice, authentic zombie ashes, and blood.
Here's what they actually have: a frozen chicken, a band-aid, and authentic zombie ashes (the only part they got right). The ritual (to raise the dead), shockingly, does not work. Or at least, that's what they think. When the zombie ashes are poured all over our dorks, they get fed-up and leave. But on the way home, Wurst (who is driving) decides to try out some weird homemade bong. And they crash. But with the ashes of a zombie sinking into their blood, they survive. Kind of...

They wake up in a morgue, evidence of their accident still in place (one of them was impaled with a windshield wiper), and later escape. When they realize what has happened, that they have become flesheating zombies, Philip runs to Rebecca for help. She agrees to find an antidote. But meanwhile, they'll have to keep their cravings in check. Philip and Wurst are fine, the only evidence of zombieism being the pale skin and failing body (Philip loses his balls more than once, and has to have Wurst staple his penis back on with a staple gun.) But Konrad...Well, Konrad is special. 

Armed with a staple gun (to keep himself together), and his record book of beatings, he seeks revenge. He goes on a mission to eat everyone who had ever crossed him, including their gym coach (the only thing left was a foot; I guess it was too smelly to eat). 

I think some would argue that this is not actually a horror movie. But it has the elements of a horror movie. There are some suspenseful parts, there is blood and guts, and of course sex; we can't have a horror movie without sex. But I won't deny that it is also a comedy. It's a horror comedy, but it's still horror. 

This one was originally in German. There are no subtitles, but if you can deal with the English dubbing (which, to me, wasn't all that obvious) this is definitely worth a watch. It is funny, and the gore effects are pretty good. Plus, Konrad is flippin' adorable. And it only gets better when he goes crazy and starts eating people. 

So if you're into horror that makes you laugh, give Die Nacht der lebenden Loser a try.


# 5 -- Friday the 13th (1980)

Director: Sean Cunningham
Rating: 5 / 5

This is it. 1980. Where it all began.

It wasn't the first of its kind, no, but it was the greatest. Some would argue that Halloween started it all, and in a way it did. But horror would not be what it is today without Sean Cunningham's masterpiece, Friday the 13th. 

From what I can gather from Making Friday the 13th: The Legend of Camp Blood, a book by David Grove, Sean Cunningham started off making softcore porn movies. But one day, after seeing John Carpenter's Halloween, thought he'd try his hand at horror. And Friday was born.

So yes, in a way Halloween could be considered the godfather of modern horror films. But it wasn't until we met the loveable Pamela Voorhees that the baby boom of slasher movies began. "The slasher craze of the '80s." 

I don't think there is a horror fan out there (or even anyone who isn't) who doesn't know the basic story of this movie. So I'll skip the walkthrough. Instead, I'll delve a bit deeper.

Jason Voorhees, son of Pamela and Elias Voorhees, drowned at Camp Crystal Lake in 1957. He was eleven years old. His mother, very distraught, returns to the camp one year later. There, she works as a cook. Her broken heart and her grief have driven her to insanity, and she can no longer stand it. Two lovers go into the barn, and Pamela follows. They are kissing, being naughty, and she can't help but remember...That is what those kids were doing when my boy drowned. She sees these two lovers as the ones who killed her son. They should have been watching; they should have been paying attention. But they let her boy, her sweet boy, die. And they must be punished.

1980. The killings seem to have stopped there. But, after a string of bad luck (fires, poison in the lake), the camp is re-opened. And once again, kids are being murdered. 

Body count
1 & 2. 2 lovers: stabbed.
3. Annie: throat slit.
4. Jack: stabbed through the neck with an arrow.
5. Ned: killed offscreen, but apparently stabbed or throat slit.
6. Marcy: axe to the forehead.
7. Steve:stabbed.
8. Bill: shot repeatedly with multiple arrows, hung onto a door.
9. Brenda: killed offscreen
10. Pamela Voorhees: beheaded with machete by our Heroin and sole survivor, Alice.

This, to me, is more than just a great horror movie. It is about the relationship between mother and son. If you know anything about the series, you know that Jason was a special child. He was physically deformed, and mentally challenged. But his mother loved him very much, regardless. And after losing her son, she was sucked into the pit of insanity. She begins hearing his voice, begging her to kill those who wronged him. And she listens. She needs to make her sweet boy happy.

Friday the 13th, and Jason Voorhees, have become very iconic over the last three decades, spawning eleven sequels, a documentary, and several rip-offs. I have even heard of Halloween attractions based on the series (haunted houses and such). Iconic, definitely. And there will never be another quite like it. They can try, but our dear Jason can never be duplicated.


# 4 -- Terror Toons (2002)

Director: Joe Castro
Rating: 4 / 5

This type of movie is most definitely an aquired taste. I haven't looked around, but I'm sure there are tons of other reviewers bashing the hell out of Terror Toons. I will not be one of those reviewers, because I loved it. A lot of people will probably tell you to stay away, but I say, "Why the hell not?" You should give everything a chance at least, and you never know when you'll find something unique that you end up loving. It might be a guilty pleasure that you never tell anyone about, but whatever. I, personally, am not ashamed. Hi, my name is Jenny, and I love Terror Toons! 

I will be honest, though, this is one of the stupidest movies I have ever seen in my life, but that is why I love it. It was made to be stupid. I'm sure these people sat around in their movie-making meetings saying, "Hey guys, let's make he stupidest movie we possibly can." Well, they succeeded with flying colors. I'm not sure if they knew it then, but they also made one of the funniest horror movies I've ever seen. 

It starts off with a little girl. Now, I'm calling her a little girl because the way she acted, and the way her sister acted toward her, made her seem like she was about twelve years old. But she looked about twenty-five, and she definitely wasn't an eye sore. She and her sister were home alone, and Satan mailed them a video. Yes, Satan took time out of his busy schedule to mail these girls a VHS tape. They watched the video, and whatta-ya-know! The characters came to life!

Yes, those are the killers. I know, I know, but don't quit reading just yet. Humor me, okay? I know, a monkey and a mad scientist who looks like a troll? Sounds stupid, right? Well, we've already established that. But that's where Terror Toons gets its charm: in its stupidity. When these guys showed up, they danced around and laugh like tardos. And that tardo laughter was quite contagious, if you ask me. They did get to some pretty cool kills, though. That girl from the beginning got turned into a human ventriloquist dummy, which looked way cooler than you would probably expect from a movie like this. One man, upon seeing the killers do their dance, laughed himself to death. Yes, he laughed until his head exploded. Which is exactly what I felt was going to happen to me.

I know a lot of people don't share my taste in movies, but I also know that a lot of people do. Whichever is the case for you, that's okay. Just don't tell me that this movie is stupid, because I already knot that. It's goofy and weird, but doggone it, I was entertained. 


# 3 -- Camp Blood (2000)

Director: Brad Sykes
Rating: 1 / 5
What happens when a lesbian finds her girlfriend in bed with a man? This shitty excuse for a horror movie happens. Yes, that is the entire motive for the killer here. A woman finds her girlfriend cheating with a man, and she completely flips her shit. I'm sure we all would; being angry is a normal reaction. But what would you or I do about it? Maybe cuddle up in bed with a sad movie and a tub of ice cream. If we absolutely wanted revenge, we might go so far as to throw all their shit in the yard, or maybe key their car. I can even understand killing the woman and her lover, but killing everyone who wanders into the woods? With a machete? And while wearing a clown mask? Was she a performing clown before all this happened, or did that mean something to her? Was her girl afraid of clowns, so she figured it would be the right way to go? Or maybe, just maybe, this woman was completely retarded. I think that's the only reasonable explanation for this disaster. The fact that this is set in the woods is the only thing that makes any sense to me now. It's been a long time since I've watched this, and I absolutely refuse to watch it again just to review it. I'm sorry readers, but I just...I just can't. But I think I remember the woman being a counselor or forest ranger or something.

This movie is a pretty low budget affair, which is okay. I like low budget movies on most days; love 'em if they're done properly. This is not, in any way, shape or form, done properly. The acting is atrocious, the effects are horrible, and the story is only tolerable if you're a horror movie lover and want to watch it just because. I actually wanted to see it because I love killer clowns, but I can imagine Pennywise shaking his head in disgust at this poor excuse for an evil clown. As if all of that isn't bad enough, the movie is such an obvious rip-off of Friday the 13th that it's almost painful. Okay, it is painful. Not only was I completely pissed the entire time I was watching it, but I felt so sorry for whoever made it because...I mean, how can you go through life being so stupid? Did they honestly think we wouldn't notice? In case you think I'm overreacting because of my deep love of F13, and you think "Maybe it's not actually a rip-off; maybe she's just paranoid." Let me count the ways.

1. The title. That should be your first clue. Everyone knows Camp Crystal Lake is Camp Blood. I was angry with this movie from the very beginning, before I'd even watched it, for stealing that name. Shame on you!

2. The killer's weapon of choice. Okay, sure, anyone could wield a machete. We've seen it more than once, and that's okay. But I freaking love a machete as a weapon, and seeing it in the hands of this dipshit just makes me sick. 

3. The scenery. Again, plenty of horror movies take place in the woods, and I love them for it. But I feel that these people went into the making of this movie knowing their killer was going to be a clown. So why in the hell -- please explain it to me-- would they set it in the woods? Because they were ripping of Friday, that's why.

4. The crazy prophet. Everyone remembers Crazy Ralph, the lovable town crazy who tried with all his might to help the poor souls headed to the REAL Camp Blood. This guy, though, was just stupid. 

5. The music. It tried to rip off the music, but without Harry Manfredini making the magic, it just didn't work.

6. The motive. Sure, sure, a lot of horror movies center on the revenge motive. But we don't discover this until the end of the movie, and after so many other clues that it's a rip-off, it's just plain obvious that this is another one.

Maybe I am looking into it too much. But I'm not the only one who feels this way, trust me. Rip-off or not, though, the movie sucks big hairy donkey balls. Seriously.

Dear Mr. Whoever-wrote-this-movie...Fuck you.
You know that machete your "killer" used? Yeah, that's what I'd like to fuck you with. 

# 2 -- Tromeo and Juliet (1996)

Directors: Lloyd Kaufman & James Gunn
Rating: 5 / 5

- Yet another example of why Lloyd Kaufman is a complete genius.

Main characters: Tromeo Que, and Juliet Capulet

All right, we start off with Tromeo (whose father, Monty Que, is an alcoholic black man) and Juliet (whose parents are evil). Tromeo and his friends love terrorizing Juliet's parents.

Because of a failing business, The Ques and the Capulets have been feuding for years.
Monty Que and Cap (Juliet's dad) are enemies because of something that happened in the past involving their film company, Silky Films. The two families harass each other, by throwing animal corpses into their houses, beating the shit out of each other, etc. 

Tromeo and Juliet fall in love (whoah, what!? I'm so shocked!). Everyone is upset about this, especially her jackass of a father. Trust me. You, too, will grow to hate him.

However, Juliet is arranged to marry a man who works for a meat market. This man is completely emo. He freaks out over the smallest things and just about kills himself. He stabs himself repeatedly with a meat hook and beats the crap out of himself with the aid of a pig carcass.
But, of course, Juliet decides to marry Tromeo instead. Whooo, errbody's testy.

Juliet's mother tries desperately to stop them from being together. No, not because she's a bitch. Her husband is a complete ass to her, as well. But she definitely has good reason to keep them apart. I don't want to give away the surprise ending, so I'll just leave it at that. All the more reason to see this movie, right? Yes, I think so.

Also, perhaps one of the best parts of this movie is Debbie Rochon, who plays Juliet's nurse. She is pierced, tattooed, gay - and completely in love with Juliet. Yum.
This is a little while after they get married, and they're out together all day. 

Juliet: Parting is such sweet sorrow. 
Tromeo: Totally sucks! 

Juliet takes this potion from a drug dealer, because it was supposed to make her fiance leave her. He sees her and, sure enough, jumps out the window. 

Juliet: It's acne! 

Tromeo, of course, doesn't care that she looks like a mutant pig from hell. 


#1 -- Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

Director: Lloyd Kaufman
Rating: 5 / 5

My first thought: A musical about zombie chickens? I MUST SEE IT.

In my opinion, Lloyd Kaufman is a complete genius. This movie more than proves it. The story is, I think, creative as shit. A restaurant, American Chicken Bunker, is built over an ancient Tromahawk Indian Burial Ground. The Native Americans are pissed because the "white devils" cannot (or will not) respect their land. The chickens are also pissed because the carnivores kill and devour them. By way of a curse, the Native American spirits enter the frozen chicken carcasses. Thus, creating ZOMBIE CHICKENS. Yes, zombie chickens. 

The main characters, Arby and Wendy (original, I know), are ex-lovers just out of high school. After one semester in college, Arby returns to the graveyard where he and his sweetie made with the nasty only to find that it has been replaced by an ACB. He also finds that his sweet, sweet Wendy is now a carpet-munching animal rights activist. Arby decides to get a job at ACB to spite her and all the other hippie hoes. 

There are wonderfully sick and amazing kills in this one. A creepy peeper is fisted up the ass; a pair of underwear (Arby's) is snatched from his hands (through his mouth) and back out through the butthole. A chicken-fucking redneck has a mop shoved into his ass by an Arab, because she, somehow, thinks this will get the demon chicken off his dick. A fat guy shits himself to death. A gay Mexican (Paco Bell) is shoved into the grinder by - you could probably guess - a demon chicken; he is then made into a Sloppy Jose (or Sloppy Paco). This doesn't stop him from being awesome, though. He helps our heroes out as a very informed talking sandwich. 

Some quotes:
* "I'll believe in the supernatural when I see it, talking sandwich." - Arby to Paco.

* "America just isn't ready to accept a gay Mexican chicken sandwich." - Paco

* "We all take it in the dumper sometime, boy." - General Lee Roy.

*"I was trying to help him!" - Hummus
"By fucking him to death with a mop!?" - Denny

* "God dammit! Holy mother of god! Hummus, you're so hot! I just wanna fuck you! Give me head! Right now!" - Arby

* "How do I get you off? I'll beat you off! I'll choke the chicken!" Arby to the monster-chicken-penis-thing

* "I don't mean to complain. But there's a severed penis in my Sloppy Jose." - Father O'Huluhan (I know I fucked that name up)

* "I hope she does get those seventy-two virginians. 'Cause they ARE for lovers." - Arby

* "Look! I brought our old butt plug!" - Arby

* "How can I love someone who wants me to eat cock?" - Wendy

* "Denny's the name, and franchising is the game. Well, that and Hungry Hungry Hippos!" - Denny

* "I ain't adversed to hearing what's on your dirty little slut chicken mind!" - Carl Jr, chicken fucker.

Not only is this movie hilarious, with catchy and equally hilarious tunage, it stars one of the most adorable motherfuckers I have seen in my life. Oh, and if you look closely, you can see Lloyd Kaufman's balls. Schweeet.

C.L.A.M - Collegiate Lesbians Against Mega-Conglomorations.
Wendy and her girlfriend, Micky.

Arby in an orgy with Wendy, Micky, and.....Carl, Jr?
Arby's face when he realizes he's licking the hairy chest of a chicken fucking redneck is reason enough to see this movie. 

So, go do it.