#294 -- Scary or Die (2012)

Directors: Bob Badway, Michael Emanuel & Igor Meglic
Rating: 3 / 5

You, like me, might be drawn by that fucking awesome clown on the cover of Scary or Die. And once you watch it, you'll be surprised to find that it's not one of those instances of the cover looking way cooler than the actual movie. Well, at least the clown bit. You might be a little disappointed by the movie as a whole, but if you don't take it too seriously, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's an anthology movie with five separate segments, one of which acts as the wrap-around story for the entire thing.

The Crossing is about a couple of rednecks who act as vigilante border control officers. They abduct Mexican immigrants (and I assume those of hispanic heritage that aren't immigrants at all), return them to the border, and kill them as a warning to those who wish to cross in the future. They're hoping that one day, they'll get the picture and stop coming into "their country." They're real assholes, and it's impossible to care about them at all. Anyways, during this particular trip to the border, some home-made booze gets spilled onto the graves of the fallen immigrants, and this wakes them up. You can guess that they're not too happy about the way they've been treated, and being under the ground for so long has made them hungry. This bit was okay, and I think it acted as more of cultural satire than horror. There are actually a lot of people out there who think this way. The zombies weren't the scary part; you'll actually find yourself rooting for them since the two main characters are such dickheads. The scary part is the way these guys act. Once the zombies start rising, you'll get to see all the people that they've killed, and some of them are children. That's the scary part for me -- that someone would actually murder children simply because of the color of their skin.

Re-Membered is a story about a hit-man who gets more than he bargained for when he is sent to kill a person who I can only assume was a satanist. It shows him cutting this guy up in his bathtub, stuffing him in a bag and throwing him into the trunk of his car. He then starts driving toward an unknown destination, and he keeps hearing a mysterious tapping coming from his trunk. He goes to check it out, finds the body exactly the way he left it. He continues driving, still hearing the noise, and goes to check a second time. This time, the body is gone, and in its place is a note that reads "You can't kill me." I didn't like this one as much as the first, which says a lot, because I didn't like the first one all that much either. I think it could have been better as a full-length movie, or even if it had just a little more time to develop the story. If it told us more about the man that the hit man killed, his history and just why he was being sent to kill him, it could have been interesting.

Taejung's Lament is about a man whose wife died recently. He is very lonely, lives a dull and sad life, and can't seem to pick himself up. One night, he sees a pretty girl walking down the street; they exchange smiles, and it's made obvious that she might be able to help him get over the loss of his wife. But before anything of significance can happen, the girl is kidnapped by a stranger. Taejung uses his cell phone (stuffed into the gas tank of the stranger's car) to track them down, and he saves the girl. She invites him to her apartment for a party, but once he gets there, he realizes that he should have left things alone. The man who abducted the girl was none other than Van Helsing, and this party he is attending is about to get a little out of hand. This one's interesting enough, I guess, but it's the worst of the bunch. The majority of it just shows Taejung walking around and looking sad. Once it gets to the good stuff, it ends. It's too much build-up and not enough pay-off.

Clowned is the best in the collection, which is why it's featured on the cover, I'm guessing. It's the longest of the bunch, which allows it to give us a better, more complex story. It's about a guy named Emmett who gets bitten by a clown at his little brother's birthday party. Afterwards, he starts feeling a little funny and can't seem to get enough to eat. He starts getting sick a lot, but that's only the beginning. Eventually he starts to grow really quickly, causing him to wear funny-looking clothes (because they're the only ones that will fit him) and bigger shoes. His skin also starts to turn colors, and he grows a white afro. He tries to live with it for a short period of time, but when he starts to develop the urge to eat his little brother, he decides it's time to split. He runs away, lives his life like a bum, and tries to resist the urge to eat people. But of course, cannibals will be cannibals...I think the effects in this one were wonderful. I loved the way the clown looked -- with his giant mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth, his weird clothes and that sack he wore over his head. He was genuinely creepy. But not scary. Sure, he ate some people, but they all deserved it. It wasn't just a story about a killer clown; it was a story about a man who is forced to abandon his family for their own safety. He has to run away form his mother, his little brother, his girlfriend, and the unborn child that he doesn't know about. It's a very sad story, and I really enjoyed it.

Lover Come Back is the last, and shortest, in the collection. It's about a woman whose husband became extremely abusive and murdered her. He stuffed her in a box and left her out in the woods. But this woman's grandfather was a master of black arts (or something like that), and as a young child he'd given her a special power. It was something like this -- if there was love in her heart, that love would never die. Even though he was abusive, she still loved her husband. So, she died with that love still in her heart; meaning that she wouldn't die. She came back to get her revenge on him. This one tried to act as a wrap-around story, but ti didn't really succeed. The whole reason that these stories were being strung together was because someone was watching them online. They're separated by a gnarly-looking hand surfing the web and clicking on links that led to the clips. The lady in this short ended up being on the other end of that hand. It's interesting enough, but the wrap-around aspect of it didn't make much sense. The point of a wrap-around story in an anthology is to bring all the separate stories together and make them click. This one didn't do that. There was  no reason that the woman was watching these clips, and it didn't do anything for the rest of the stories. Plus it was so short that it felt completely pointless.

Overall, Scary or Die is an okay horror anthology. It's got some interesting bits, but it's nothing that will leave you breathless. Clowned was great, but the rest were only so-so. Still, it wasn't a complete time-waster, and if you're like me, you'll come away from it at least a little bit entertained.

#272 -- Clownhouse (1989)

Director: Victor Salva
Rating: 3.5 / 5

When going into a movie about killer clowns, most people (including me) probably expect it to be kind of cheesy. Most of the time we're right. Clowns are funny, whether they're evil or not. Surprisingly, though, Clownhouse really isn't all that cheesy. It's a very simple movie, and you should know what it's all about before you watch it, or else you might be disappointed.

It focuses on three brothers, Randy, Jeffrey, and Casey. Casey was terrified of clowns, since he saw some at the circus the year before. He was so scared of them that he had nightmares about drawings of them. Yes, drawings. Not real clowns trying to kill him, but drawings in his windows. And these nightmares scared him so badly that he would wet the bed. Poor Casey had some shit luck, since there was a circus nearby. There was also an asylum nearby. You can smell the disaster already, right? So, all Casey and his brothers had to do while their parents were away was to go to that circus. Casey was scared shitless when one of the clowns tried to get him to come on stage with him, but that was only the beginning of his terrible night. Three inmates from the nearby asylum broke into the circus after hours, killed the three performing clowns, stole their costumes, and made their way to Casey's house. As he became increasingly nervous being in that house without his parents (especially when all the lights went out), those clowns were lurking in the shadows waiting for the perfect moment to strike. He and his brothers were in for the fight of their lives when they finally emerged from the shadows and decided to kill them.

Clownhouse has its problems, but the good outweighs the bad, and I've enjoyed the movie on more than one occasion. The story is a bit contrived, but I can't hate it for that. It's a huge and almost laughable coincidence that there's a circus and an asylum apparently right next door to a boy who is terrified of clowns. But how else can you explain a couple of killer clowns getting into someone's house? It's a stretch, but it makes sense. We never got any insight to the inmates, which is cool, I guess. But I think they would have been scarier had we learned that they'd killed a hundred people, or something. I wanted to know just how crazy they were. But I guess it doesn't really matter how crazy they are; what matters is that they are, and that they're trying to kill a couple of kids.

They didn't have much funds to work with here (with a budget of $200,000), but they did work with what they had. The cinematography was pretty impressive; the use of lighting, shadows, and camera angles succeeded in creating a pretty creepy atmosphere. Seeing those clowns lurking in the shadows, right out of the boys' reach was definitely spooky. I also enjoyed the scenes at the circus, though it made really want to go to the carnival. It's a shitty time to be wishing for carnivals, though, so I'll just have to wait.

The three brothers worked really well together, and I almost felt like they were actually brothers. Casey was the youngest, wimpiest brother. Jeffrey was the middle brother who was kind of nerdy and sweet, and he was always looking out for Casey and caring for him. Randy was the oldest, and he was kind of a dick-head. He tried to act tough, I guess because he was the oldest, but when it came right down to it, you could tell that he cared about his brothers. The chemistry between them was good, and their acting was pretty impressive. Randy was played by Sam Rockwell (Wild Bill from The Green Mile), so I don't have to tell you that he was pretty great. The other two didn't shine quite as brightly, but I was still fairly impressed by them.

All of the kills were done off screen, and there wasn't much blood at all. But that was okay, because the movie relied heavily on atmosphere, and it definitely succeeded in that department. Yes, I am a gore whore, but I don't mind a lack of bloodshed as long as there's something  to make up for it. I can only call this movie slightly creepy but, while it didn't scare me personally, I'm sure it would have your coulrophobic friends up all night.

Even though it had a few issues, it's definitely a enjoyable film, and I can hardly call it bad. I, personally, can't bash it, since I've watched it more than once. I was impressed and entertained each time. Plus, it was directed by the same guy who directed Jeepers Creepers, so you can't hate it too much.

Rating

Storyline - 7 points. It was a bit contrived, but that didn't  distract from the overall feel or entertainment value of the movie.

Cinematography - 6 points. It made good use of lighting and shadows. It didn't have that ultra spooky feel that I love, but I was impressed by it, especially since it had such a low budget.

Characters - 8 points. Sometimes the characters felt a little forced, but that was probably due to the fact that they were only kids. Sometimes their actions didn't quite match their personalities, but overall I felt the actors worked well together and the characters were believable.

Gore - 1 point. There was no gore.

Scariness - 5 points. It didn't scare me personally, but I feel like there's got to be someone out there that was at least a little creeped out by it.

T & A - 1 point. Again, there wasn't any, other than one shot of Casey's ass, which was awkward.

Overall score - 28 / 60

#219 -- Fear of Clowns (2004)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Kevin Kangas

The fear of clowns, or coulrophobia, is easy to explain. It is the fear of something that's just not right. Clowns are supposed to be silly, fun and entertaining. They're supposed to bring laughter, not fear. So when a clown becomes menacing, becomes a murderer, the idea is absolutely terrifying. It's just not right. It is something that some people, as children, loved. We've all seen them at the circus, or had them at our birthday parties, and they've made us laugh and giggle. Hell, I've got a clown in my family. They're all fun and games until they rip your heart out. I know, because I used to be terrified of them, as I'm sure everyone has. I grew out of it, and grew to love them, but I still realize that they can be damn scary. The clown in this movie, however, doesn't scare  me one bit. He is menacing, he is creepy, he is strong, and his weapon of choice should instill fear in even the bravest of hearts. But there are a couple of things that make him completely un-scary for me. Okay, maybe just one thing, but we'll get to that a bit later. First, let's take a look at the movie.

It's about an artist named Lynn who paints scary clown for a living. I'm not sure what her fixation on clowns is all about. I don't think she was afraid of them to begin with, but I can't be sure. I can be sure, though, that she grew terrified of them rather quickly. First she saw the clown outside her window. She passed out and woke up with the cops by her side. He did come into her house, but he didn't harm her in any way. Then people around her started dying. First it was a family that lived a couple houses down, then a friend, and another friend, and her boss, and eventually her husband. I must point out that you shouldn't feel sad that her husband was killed. They were in the middle of a divorce, he was attempting to take everything from her (including their son), and he hired someone to kill her, probably to get the life insurance money. He didn't hire the clown to kill her, but you'll learn that Clown and Husband were connected.

The clown had nothing against Lynn that I could tell. He was crazy. He had been seeing a psychiatrist because he heard voices and such, and he thought that killing her would make him all better. I think maybe he just saw her and latched onto her; his messed up brain gave him the idea of killing her to cure himself. Lynn had the help of her new boyfriend, Tuck, along with a detective who reminded me of Bruce Campbell. The action culminated in a movie theater. Tuck apparently knew someone who worked there, and he was able to get into the place after it closed. Probably not a good idea considering the situation. It probably wasn't a good idea to leave their cell phones at home, either, but hey! It's a horror movie, and stupid things must be done.

Which brings me to the characters. Of course they did some stupid things; that's the norm when it comes to horror movies. We expect those stupid things to be done, and we enjoy making fun of the characters for doing them. It's not a big deal. For the most part, their actions were believable, and most of the characters were at least somewhat likable.

Now let's talk about the clown who they call Shivers. I said that he doesn't scare me, but it's not because he wasn't a good clown. He was definitely menacing, and there were some good, creepy scenes in here. But my problem is the way he looks. He's got the clown make-up, and it's actually really good. He's got a crooked mouth with big teeth, the big eyebrows, and the cute little cheeks. He wears that frilly thing around his neck, red patchwork pants, the white gloves, and the big shoes. But he wears no shirt. I guarantee that you'll never see another clown like this. He is ripped; big and muscular, and pretty damn sexy. So, my heart fluttered every time he showed up, but not in fear. He was too hot to be scary. So I guess it's not really a problem at all; I actually quite enjoyed it. Oh, and he carried a big battle axe. Plus. 

All in all, I think Fear of Clowns was a really good movie. There were some nice tense scenes, some nice suspense, and some awesome paintings that I would love to have hanging around my house (but with my boyfriend's own little bout of coulrophobia, I doubt that will ever happen). You should definitely see this movie. If you're scared of clowns, or if you just like muscular men in clown make-up (in other words, if you're weird like me), then it should definitely be on your list of must-see movies.

#216 -- Killjoy (2000)

Rating: 2.5 / 5
Director: Craig Ross Jr.

Let me explain to you how I choose the movies I watch, because the fact that I even watched this movie last night is really strange to me. If I watch something on Netflix or On Demand, I sift through the titles for about an hour until I finally decide on a movie. But in my room, I have a stack of DVDs in those little white sleeves. If I watch one of those, I choose it randomly. I don't even look at it before I put it in the DVD player, so I have no idea what I'll be watching until the movie starts. When I reviewed Slip, I mention two horror movies that I found a little bit similar. Those two movies were Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood, and Killjoy. So I find it extremely weird that, for the past two days, I've randomly chosen those two movies. So weird, in fact, that I felt compelled to share it with everyone, even though I know that no one cares. It is a phenomenon that cannot be explained, much like Killjoy himself. Was I excited about it? No, not really. I saw this movie many years ago, and I didn't particularly like it then (even when I was younger and terrified of clowns). I guess you've got to have a certain sense of humor to enjoy this; and I just don't have it.

Killjoy is the story of a boy named Michael. He and his counterparts are supposedly in high school, though they apparently have no parents, and they can live alone with their boyfriends. They don't seem like high school students at all, but that's another story, I guess. Michael had a crush on Jada, a beautiful, sweet, young girl. But Jada was with a guy named Lorenzo, a gun-toting thug who got extremely jealous. Though it was obvious that Lorenzo did not respect Jada at all, he didn't want anyone else even speaking to her. Jada warned Michael; she said that if Lorenzo saw them talking, he would kill Michael. Michael, of course, didn't heed her warning, and instead asked her to their upcoming dance. At just the right moment, Lorenzo showed up. He was angry, and he and his two thug friends beat the stuffing out of Michael.

Michael went home and practiced some black magic. He called forth one of his dolls--a little clown he called Killjoy--to come to life. Nothing happened. Then Lorenzo and his gang tricked Michael outside the safety of his home, kidnapped him, and took him out to the woods. They held a gun to his head, yelled obscenities at him, and scared the daylights out of him. That, supposedly, was their plan. Lorenzo said that the gun was not loaded, and his intentions were only to scare Michael. But, unfortunately for Michael, the gun actually was loaded, and he was shot and killed.

One year later, Michael's black magic started to work. A clown showed up in an ice cream truck outside of Lorenzo's place. Lorenzo had gone to be with his new lady, and his two thug friends were inside getting high. With a serious case of the munchies, that ice cream truck looked extremely inviting. Killjoy told them that he was an undercover drug dealer using the ice cream truck as a disguise. He beckoned them inside to see his merchandise, and they were instantly transported into another dimension, via a rainbow vortex of some sort. They ended up in a warehouse, where Killjoy took them out. One of them was burnt up, while the other was smashed by a car. Nothing too inventive. Killjoy did eventually catch up to Lorenzo, and he took him down as well.

A homeless man caught up with Jada, her friend Monique, and Jada's new boyfriend Jamal. He explained everything about what Michael had done. He'd gone to black magic because all he wanted was for Jada to be his girl. The only way he figure that was possible was to get rid of what stood in his way: Lorenzo. He was trying to make sure there was no one left except the two of them. The only way to get rid of Killjoy was to kill the doll that he had risen from.

Killjoy is interesting, I guess. But killer clowns are supposed to be terrifying; this one was just annoying. Ever since the first time I saw it, Killjoy reminded me of Michael Jackson. So he is what would happen if MJ decided to throw a circus at Neverland Ranch. (fun fact: Killjoy was played by Angel Vargas, who also played Tito Jackson in the Jacksons TV movie)  He was goofy, but not exactly in a good way. We know of other characters who can be silly, funny, and still be scary (most notably Freddy Krueger), but Killjoy is not one of them. He was trying his damndest to be funny, but he only came across as stupid and annoying.


The story is kind of sweet, I guess, but if you think about it...it really isn't. Michael came back from the dead so that he could ask Jada out finally. He did all of this to have a a girl who he wasn't even sure felt the same way. Personally, I'd make sure she loved me before I'd go to all the trouble. I'd make sure she loved me before I got myself killed for her. Because if she didn't feel the same way, then his affections were pointless, and he should not had died in those woods. He shouldn't have even if she did love him, but it at least would have had meaning.

So, did I love Killjoy. No, even though I really wanted to. Everyone knows that, once I got over my fear of clowns, I grew to really love them. I love some killer clowns, when they're done right. I don't love Killjoy, because he, to me, isn't what a killer clown is supposed to be. First of all, he's supposed to be menacing. When you see him, you're supposed to think, "Uh-oh, shit's going down," not, "Oh my, he's fucking retarded." They're supposed to be scary, or at least creepy, or something. They can also be funny, but that should add to their creepiness, not diminish it. The movie itself was silly, and the characters were dumb. To me, Killjoy just wasn't what it should have been and could have been. It was a silly movie that tried to be great.

Apparently, it has an audience somewhere. Somewhere, people responded to it, because it spawned two sequels that I have not yet seen. I can only hope this series took the opposite route of others, and got better as it went along.

#208 -- 100 Tears (2007)

Rating: 2.5 / 5
Director: Marcus Koch

According to IMDB, this movie has an NC-17 rating, and I think that's because it's a complete splatterfest. But make no mistakes, that's really the only thing it's got going for it. Once you've seen one killer clown, you've pretty much seen them all, and this one is really no different from the rest.

The first ten or fifteen minutes, the clown kills all the residents at a halfway house, including a poor diabetic girl in a wheelchair. It's a splatterfest for sure; he paints that house red. I will say that the clown is really freakin' vicious. But he somehow managed to be completely un-scary. After that, it takes a while for more blood to be spilled. We spend most of the time following a couple of tabloid reporters. They mostly do stupid stories about reptile people, and a ghostly Titanic rising from the depths of the ocean to cruise again. But Jennifer really wants to do a piece that will mean something. She figures the Teardrop Killer is a way to get herself noticed, and be a writer of more than just bathroom reading. They call him the Teardrop Killer because he draws a bloody teardrop at the murder scenes.

So why is the clown crying? Well, when he worked for the carnival, he fell in love with one of the girls there. While they were getting busy, a jealous girl told The Strong Man that he was raping the girl. So The Strong Man beat the hell out of the clown. To have his revenge, the clown killed the girl and The Strong Man, and then he ran away from the circus. I think he was searching for his long-lost love, killing everyone on the way. He eventually meets his daughter, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. His daughter is some kind of Smiley-Face killer, and they go on a Father-Daughter killing spree together.

What I liked was the Father-Daughter thing. I actually liked the clown's daughter more than the clown himself. She killed people and giggled while she was doing it. She was loony tunes big time, and I liked that. I really wanted to like this movie--I really did. But the ending was so poorly done that it was ruined for me. It seemed like they were running out of time and couldn't figure out a good ending to the movie. So they just came up with some  half-assed way for the killers to be defeated and then rolled the credits. It was quick, it didn't really make any sense, and it ruined a movie that could have otherwise been enjoyable for me. For the most part, it was okay. It wasn't any different from any of the other ten million killer clown movies out there, but it wasn't boring. All the technical stuff--acting, effects, filming--was better than I expected it to be, and for the most part, it really wasn't all that bad. Like I said, though, the ending completely ruins it.

If you're just in the mood for a killer clown, there are only two I can think of that are unique and completely awesome. Try Stephen King's It, or Killer Klowns from Outer Space, if you haven't seen them. Those clowns are bad-ass and amazing. This one was just so-so.

Monster Spotlight - Clowns

This is going to be a new segment that I can – hopefully – keep going for a little while. I’m going to spotlight certain types of horror movie villains, and single out the greats.

Clowns can be really great if they’re done correctly. Tons of people are scared of clowns, and that’s just regular clowns you see at birthday parties and such. It’s understandable; you can’t help but wonder what’s going on in their mind, underneath the make-up and the smiles. I’ll quote what I said in my “survival 101” page. They may be smiling, but they're not happy. They're smiling because they're imagining what your guts are gonna look like splattered all over the floor. Or they may be picturing you naked. Either way, clowns are bad news. So here are some of my favourite killer clowns!

Pennywise the Dancing Clown

I saw Stephen King’s It as a young child; but I was so young that I didn’t really comprehend what was happening. I saw it again when I was about thirteen, and I was terrified of clowns for a couple of years. Now, of course, I realize that clowns are fucking awesome. But for a while there, Pennywise had me scared shitless. The clown actually isn’t the true form of Pennywise; he’s actually some sort of spider-thing that preys on children. The clown was just a get-up to lure children into his lair, or scare the shit out of unsuspecting children. Either way, Pennywise was a very effective killer clown.

"They all float!"

The Little Green-Haired One

This little guy is from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. He didn’t actually have a name; or if he did, I don’t know what it was. All I know is that, to me, he is a cutie pie. There was one scene in particular that had me rolling in the floor. Greeny was riding his bicycle when he came upon a group of bikers. One of the big bikers asked if he could ride the bike; Greeny shook his head no. So the biker asked if he could honk the horn, and Greeny didn’t have a problem with that. But instead of honking the horn, Biker crushed the bicycle with his bare hands. Greeny began to cry, and then flew up into the sky. The biker thought he’d won the fight. Greeny came back down to the ground, this time with a big pair of boxing gloves. Biker laughed, asking “What are you gonna do, knock my block off?” Greeny punches Biker’s head, and it flies off into a trash can. It was at that moment that I fell in love with this little guy.

Horny the Clown

Drive-Thru is one of those independent movies that is actually really good. Horny the clown was the shit. He was the sexiest killer clown I’d ever seen. He was funny (even though he stole his catch phrases from The Shining), he was fucking vicious as hell, and I love him. Oh, and not only was he a killer clown, he was the re-animated spirit of a nerdy boy. And if you know me, you know I love nerdy boys. So, Horny scores double on the awesome meter.

So yummy...

Insane Clown Posse

Okay, so they’re not from a horror movie, but they’re still horror-related. Their style of music is known as horrorcore, or murder rap, and they focus mainly on horror-related topics (with a little sex and drugs thrown in for good measure). They’re not the colourful clowns we’re used to; instead they’re painted in black and white, making them quite sinister. They’re funny, they’re gross, and they’re pretty gory. Here’s a little peek inside some of my favourite of their songs. Terrible isn’t exactly horror-related, but it focuses on bad things in the real world. It’s about people focusing on stupid shit rather than what really matters. House of Horrors is just what the title implies: a house of horrors. The Amazing Maze is a maze full of horrible things, like rooms filled with mouse traps and thumbtacks, serial killers, and other wonderful things. There’s a lot more to these guys than meets the eye; they’ve actually got some serious messages to relay, they’re about more than just murder. Some people say they’re gimmicky; a lot of people hate their guts; but I say fuck ‘em. I’m a juggalette and I’m proud. So check ‘em out and find out for yourselves.

There are plenty of killer clowns out there. They’re always attempted, but rarely perfected. When done properly, clowns are the shit. So I’ll close with three simple words: Much Clown Love. 

#91 -- Masters of Horror: We All Scream for Ice Cream (2007)

Director: Tom Holland
Rating: 3/5

Everyone knows I love me some killer clowns, and Buster (the star of this episode of MoH) is pretty kick-ass. He's creepy, he's got a method, and I could sympathize with him. However, I don't think this movie did Buster justice. Buster had an ice cream truck, and all the kids in the neighborhood loved him (well, almost all of them). He would put on little magic shows and tell jokes for them. He was a hoot! But Buster had a little stuttering problem, and some of the kids thought it was funny to ridicule him. When a prank went horribly wrong, Buster wound up dead. Now, fast-foward to twenty-some years later, and those kids are turning up dead. Well, not exactly dead, because no one can find their bodies. But Buster is back from the dead, and he's hungry for a some sweet, cold and creamy revenge. He makes voodoo dolls out of his ice cream, feeds them to his bullies' children, and bam! They melt into what looks like Neapolitan ice cream.




Like I said, Buster's pretty kickass. But the whole turning-people-into-ice-cream thing was a little odd. I'm not saying a little bit of oddness isn't a good thing every once in a while, but here it was just a little too much. I love the character, and he had the potential to be wonderful. No, scratch that. He WAS wonderful. But I would have liked to see him go all psycho on everyone, with an axe or a butcher knife or something like that. I know I shouldn't be too picky, but I really think it would have been better that way, because Buster really was a great character. Layne's (the only of the bullies left alive at the end) solution to the Buster problem, also, was a little farfetched. But I guess it's all right. The scenes where Buster shows up in the dead of night to offer frozen goodies to the children were wonderful. The atmosphere was perfect, and Buster singing "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream" in his creepy clown-voice was awesome. But there were some holes in the story: certain parts that didn't make a lot of sense. I think this installment could have been a lot better, but it wasn't horrible by any means. I'm a firm believer that nothing the Masters of Horror have done is horrible, and I will always love this series. So check out We All Scream for Ice Cream for all your evil clown cravings!

Chuckles the Clown

Oh lazy days, lazy days. When I first started this blog, I was watching horror movies every single day. Now, I hardly ever feel like. So, again, today is going to be lazy. I'm gonna share a picture that I drew, and a poem I wrote inspired by that picture. I've never been able to draw well, but I'm pretty proud of this little guy. It is extremely good, when it comes to me.



Chuckles is an evil clown who comes from outer space.
He came to Earth with one simple goal:
to tear away your face.
So when the blood begins to run
down your tattered skin,
don't be surprised when you find
Chuckles' evil grin.
He'll laugh and dance and sing funny songs
around your crumpled form.
He loves the way you screamed and cried
when your face was torn.
He'll laugh and laugh, and scream and wail
until his white face turns to red.
And he won't stop his mean charade
until you're good and dead.

This is all for fun, of course. It's not meant to be beautifully drawn or wonderfully written. Just something to pass the time. But either way, I hope you enjoy. :)

#55 -- Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

Director: Stephen Chiodo

Rating: 5 / 5

With a title like that, I think some people might be turned off, and you really can't expect much from it. But Killer Klowns does not disappoint. It is just what an '80s horror movie should be. In fact, it's just what any good cheesy horror movie should be. It's filled with cheesy gore and even cheesier characters. It seems that this movie is a love it or hate it type of deal, and for me it's nothin' but love. I really can't understand all the negativity I've heard about it, because it's nothing short of amazing.

When a couple stumbles upon a mysterious big-top out in the middle of the woods, their lives change drastically. The girl is abducted, trapped in a bubble and left to die. Her boyfriend must find a way to save her as well as everyone else that have been trapped in the bubbles. I think the "bubbles" might have been made out of bubble gum, but I'm not entirely sure. Some people were also trapped in cotton candy cocoons, which the klowns then stuck straws into and drank their juices. Anyways, this guy has to save the town all by himself, because no one in their right mind will believe the story he has to tell. That is, until the Killer Klowns come to their house. He calls upon a couple of his friends, and they ride around town in an ice cream truck on a mission to save everyone from the intergalactic funny-men. 

The little guy pictured above is my favorite character in the movie. The clowns don't talk, but they definitely have personality. You can tell who the leaders are, and who the pipsqueaks are. This little guy is definitely the pipsqueak of the family, but he should not be underestimated. There's one particular scene -- the best one in the movie, in my opinion -- where this little guy shows just how tough he can be. It involves a biker gang, a destroyed bicycle, a sad little clown, and a head in a dumpster. But that's just one of the many great scenes here. There's another with shadow puppets that can actually cause damage, and one with clowns in jail. There's a lot of good stuff going on, trust me on that.

Not only do the clowns have bubbles and cocoons at their disposal, but they also have popcorn guns. When they shoot the guns, popcorn rains on their target; but it's not your average everyday popcorn. From this popcorn springs even more Killer Klowns, in some kind of weird worm form. I assume that this is their baby-form, and that these worms will eventually grow into adult killer klowns just like the rest.

The clowns look horrible. It probably would have looked better, physically, if they'd just slapped some face paint on themselves, but it just wouldn't have been the same that way. The terrible clowns is part of what makes them awesome. When I saw this movie for the first time, it instantly became one of my favorites. I'm not a huge fan of aliens, but when they're clowns I can't help but love them. This movie is goofy, funny and just downright fun to watch. If you're a fan of b-movies, clowns, or just want to have a good time -- rent this movie immediately, and enjoy it with a big heaping bowl of popcorn. But beware -- the Killer Klowns just might be hot on your trail.

#35 -- Amusement (2008)

Director: John Simpson

Rating: 3 / 5

A word to the wise, kids: Don't be a bully.

Bullying never works out well for either party involved. And sometimes, if you don't watch who you bully, you just might wind up dead. 

A kid is bullied by three girls (what kind of boy lets girls bully him, anyway?). That kid grows up to be a crazy son of a bitch. He's angry and thirsty - thirsty for revenge. This movie is kind of made up of three different stories. They seem completely disconnected at first, but end up tying together and playing a big part in the overall plot. 

First, we have Shelby. She and her boyfriend have been on vacation, it seems, and that vacation hasn't gone well. They're on their way home, and Boyfriend is playing some kind of game with other cars. He calls it a convoy. I have no idea what this is, but that may just be because of my complete incompetence when it comes to cars. But he explains it as communicating with the other cars while they're driving down the road. His convoy consists of a semi-truck and an SUV. They all end up pulling into a gas station and they meet up. The truck is driven by...well, we'll just call him Trucker. 

The SUV is driven by a nerdy looking middle-aged man. Trucker tells them that the interstate is packed up, that the cars aren't moving at all. But he knows a way around it and invites the others to follow him. While they're still sitting in the parking lot, Shelby sees a girl in the back of Trucker's truck. She doesn't think much of it, really. But as they're following behind him, the girl puts her face up to the window, holding a sign that says "Help me." Shelby is surprised, and begins to tell Boyfriend about it - and then the girl slams into their windshield. She's jumped out of the truck. She tells them not to let him get her. Shelby and Nerdy stay with the girl, and Boyfriend goes on a trucker chase to get Trucker's license plate number. But Trucker ends up chasing Boyfriend, and by the time he gets back, the girls and Trucker are gone. Nerdy tells him that he's taken both the girls hostage, and they go to find them. They come to a little shack, and Nerdy volunteers to go check everything out. Boyfriend is sitting in Nerdy's SUV waiting. Nerdy waits outside the door for Trucker, and when he walks out, Nerdy bashes him over the head and kills him. Boyfriend looks in the back of the SUV and sees the girls, beaten and bloody. Nerdy then returns to his SUV and...well, it's implied that he is going to either beat or kill Boyfriend, but it ends, so we don't get to see. Trucker was actually trying to take that girl to rehab. She wasn't really in any trouble; she was just a druggie who didn't want to give up her addiction.

Then we have Tabitha. She's babysitting for her little cousins. The boys were being babysat by another girl, but Tabitha has come to take over for her. When she gets there, the boys tell her that the babysitter has already left. Not long after, a boy shows up claiming to be Babysitter's boyfriend, and says that he hasn't seen or heard from her. Tabitha just assumes that the girl went to a friend's house. Tabitha is going to be sleeping in the guest room - and it's full of clown statues. They don't bother her too much, except for the life-size one sitting in the rocking chair. Her aunt calls, and Tabitha tells her she has a problem with the clown. But there's a bigger problem - Auntie says that they don't own a clown like that. Tabitha turns around, and...SURPRISE! The rocking chair is empty. They clown chases her and the boys around a little bit, and she ends up in a storage shed - where she finds Babysitter's body. The boys say that Clown just wants to play, but his games are NOT for children. 

Lastly, Lisa. She's clubbing with her roommate, and Roomie wants to spend some time with a guy in the bar. Lisa goes to spend some time with her boyfriend, and the two roomies were to meet back at home for "roommate night." When Lisa gets home Roomie is not there. So she invites Boyfriend back for some more fun. She wakes up in the morning, and Roomie still has not gotten home. So she decides to go to the hotel where Barboy is staying; she's sure that Roomie has gone to the hotel with him. The manager of the hotel tells her that all the beds are full and won't let her in. But she gets Boyfriend to use his Health Inspector badge to get in. Boyfriend is looking at a large music box; a blade shoots out of the box and flies into his eye. Lisa waits outside for a while, but eventually gets worried, so she sneaks into the hotel. After realizing that there is, in fact, NO ONE THERE, she finds many bodies sewn into the beds. So the beds were full, just...not by living people. 

Tabitha wakes up in an interrogation room. She is informed that she and her friends (who she hasn't seen since elementary school) were all found in the building, in separate cells. She suddenly remembers a boy they went to school with. They had all made some art projects: boxes with scenes inside that were viewed by looking into a hole. The boy's box contained a squirrel, or some kind of rodent, suspended with its stomach cut open. He said, "Funny, isn't it?" This boy wants revenge on them for bullying him, though the actual bullying was never shown. He's decided to torture them. He's got all sorts of mechanisms and things inside this building, including a room that shrinks and almost crushes Tabitha. He has Shelby and Lisa suspended with their stomachs cut open, or so it seems. He eventually rips the cloth off of them - the cloth that makes it LOOK like they've been cut open. They're completely unharmed; just scared out of their minds. He asks Tabitha, "It's funny, isn't it?" She starts laughing. This makes him happy. He lets her out, and she stabs him in the neck. As they're running away, Lisa gets stabbed and killed. Tabitha and Shelby keep running, and they get to a large ladder leading up to a hole. One of them (I won't say which) falls to her death, and the other makes it to the top. It looks like this is where Crazy Man lives; its set up like an apartment. But doors close all round our survivor, and we see that she is in a semi truck, and we (or at least I do) that this is what was happening to the girl in the truck that Shelby saw in the beginning. I'm not sure if that's the case, though.

This movie was entertaining. Tabitha's initial story involving the clown was the best part. The clown's creepy laugh was amazing. It was kind of confusing at times, because the story wasn't completely laid out for us. It just leaves it up to our own imagination, which I guess isn't all that bad. I honestly watched it mainly for the clown, because I dig some killer clowns. So if you're also into that sort of thing, definitely watch this one - because that clown rocks. 

#13 -- Drive Thru (2007)

Directors: Brendan Cowles & Shane Kuhn

Rating: 5 / 5

I friggin' love this movie. I'm all for killer clowns - love 'em! And I do believe this is the best one since Stephen King's It. 

We start off with a couple white gangsters (trust me, within a few minutes you'll be saying "Kill them! Please!") and their girlfriends. They're at the drive thru, and the man behind the intercom says something that the head ganster doesn't like very much (I think it was something alone the lines of "Can I fuck your whore, wigger?" and when asked to repeat himself he says "Can I take your order, mister?"). So, he and his buddy go inside to give the man a piece of their minds. While the HG (head gangster) is walking around through the restaurant, he's singing a little song that goes something like - Homie got a date with my nickel plate... Really? Just...really? Goodness. Anyways, when they got axed I found myself jumping up and down screaming "Yay! Whoo-hoo!" Not really, but I definitely felt like doing so. Meanwhile, their girlfriends are axed back out in the truck. 

The story follows a seventeen year old girl who is getting ready to sleep with her boyfriend. She wants to wait until she turns eighteen so she will be legal (which is a bit unbelievable, but we go with it). Along with a group of friends, they start playing around with an Ouija board, and they get a series of letters and numbers. They find out later that this is the license plate number of the truck the gangsters were driving. When their friends start dying, they begin investigating. The girl realizes that all of the kids who've been murdered were all children of her mother's friends. Whens she confronts her mother, she becomes very distant and vague.

We find out eventually that there was a boy who went to school with the girl's mother. He was in love with her, and she and her friends picked on him. He invited her to his birthday party at his father's restaurant (Hella-Burger), and they played a prank that resulted in his death. And now, he is back for revenge - by killing their children.

The boy worked, when he was alive, for his father as the mascot of his restaurant. His name is Horny The Clown, and he is PISSED OFF. He likes to quote The Shining ("I'm not gonna hurt you; I'm gonna BASH YOUR BRAINS IN!") He wears a sort of flaming jumpsuit, and his mask is like the intercom on a drive thru. His hair also resembles flames, as does his axe. And, I may be strange, but I find Horny The Clown to be quite sexy. He is vicious. He completely goes ape shit on the people he kills, laying down on them with his axe with such intensity that it makes me say, "Oooh."

Aside from my sick fantasies, this actually is a great movie. It is very well done - the filming, the effects, the acting, the storyline. It is amazing, and worth several views - for me at least. 

# 3 -- Camp Blood (2000)

Director: Brad Sykes Rating: 1 / 5 What happens when a lesbian finds her girlfriend in bed with a man? This shitty excuse for a horror movie happens. Yes, that is the entire motive for the killer here. A woman finds her girlfriend cheating with a man, and she completely flips her shit. I'm sure we all would; being angry is a normal reaction. But what would you or I do about it? Maybe cuddle up in bed with a sad movie and a tub of ice cream. If we absolutely wanted revenge, we might go so far as to throw all their shit in the yard, or maybe key their car. I can even understand killing the woman and her lover, but killing everyone who wanders into the woods? With a machete? And while wearing a clown mask? Was she a performing clown before all this happened, or did that mean something to her? Was her girl afraid of clowns, so she figured it would be the right way to go? Or maybe, just maybe, this woman was completely retarded. I think that's the only reasonable explanation for this disaster. The fact that this is set in the woods is the only thing that makes any sense to me now. It's been a long time since I've watched this, and I absolutely refuse to watch it again just to review it. I'm sorry readers, but I just...I just can't. But I think I remember the woman being a counselor or forest ranger or something.

This movie is a pretty low budget affair, which is okay. I like low budget movies on most days; love 'em if they're done properly. This is not, in any way, shape or form, done properly. The acting is atrocious, the effects are horrible, and the story is only tolerable if you're a horror movie lover and want to watch it just because. I actually wanted to see it because I love killer clowns, but I can imagine Pennywise shaking his head in disgust at this poor excuse for an evil clown. As if all of that isn't bad enough, the movie is such an obvious rip-off of Friday the 13th that it's almost painful. Okay, it is painful. Not only was I completely pissed the entire time I was watching it, but I felt so sorry for whoever made it because...I mean, how can you go through life being so stupid? Did they honestly think we wouldn't notice? In case you think I'm overreacting because of my deep love of F13, and you think "Maybe it's not actually a rip-off; maybe she's just paranoid." Let me count the ways.

1. The title. That should be your first clue. Everyone knows Camp Crystal Lake is Camp Blood. I was angry with this movie from the very beginning, before I'd even watched it, for stealing that name. Shame on you!

2. The killer's weapon of choice. Okay, sure, anyone could wield a machete. We've seen it more than once, and that's okay. But I freaking love a machete as a weapon, and seeing it in the hands of this dipshit just makes me sick. 

3. The scenery. Again, plenty of horror movies take place in the woods, and I love them for it. But I feel that these people went into the making of this movie knowing their killer was going to be a clown. So why in the hell -- please explain it to me-- would they set it in the woods? Because they were ripping of Friday, that's why.

4. The crazy prophet. Everyone remembers Crazy Ralph, the lovable town crazy who tried with all his might to help the poor souls headed to the REAL Camp Blood. This guy, though, was just stupid. 

5. The music. It tried to rip off the music, but without Harry Manfredini making the magic, it just didn't work.

6. The motive. Sure, sure, a lot of horror movies center on the revenge motive. But we don't discover this until the end of the movie, and after so many other clues that it's a rip-off, it's just plain obvious that this is another one.

Maybe I am looking into it too much. But I'm not the only one who feels this way, trust me. Rip-off or not, though, the movie sucks big hairy donkey balls. Seriously.

Dear Mr. Whoever-wrote-this-movie...Fuck you.

You know that machete your "killer" used? Yeah, that's what I'd like to fuck you with.