MMM Day 2: #335 -- The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

Director: James Whale
Rating: 5 / 5

I first saw this many years ago and, even though I didn't remember everything about it, I did remember that it was very sad. The first one was sad in how misunderstood The Monster was; but this one is on another level entirely. It really tugged at my heartsrings, and actually brought tears to my eyes. The Monster definitely proved himself a very tragic character here, as if there was any doubt. This, along with the first, doesn't exactly feel like a horror movie to me. Sure, there are mad scientists, and the monster that came from their experiments, and all that good stuff. But The Monster isn't the villain at all. The townspeople are the real monsters here, because they refuse to even try to understand him. They see something different, they don't understand it, and so they attack it. They're bullies. If they'd taken the time to get to know him, they'd realize that he meant no harm to anyone. It's a tragic, dramatic love story...with monsters. The best kind!

So, at the end of the first movie, we saw the angry mob chase Henry and his Monster to a windmill and try to kill them with fire. They thought they were successful, but they, of course, were not. Henry was injured, but The Monster was only plagued with anger. At first, it seemed like he'd changed; like he was so angry that he didn't even care anymore, because he was attacking people for no reason. But then I realized that these were the people that had chased him there and set fire to him. He wanted revenge. Once he got away from those people, he changed back into the big teddy bear that I've always loved. He actually made a friend in this one: a lonely, blind musician. He was drawn to the man because of his music, and the man was extremely kind to him. He was blind to his "hideous" features, but he wasn't blind to his sweet nature. The man took care of him, fed him, gave him wine and cigars, and even taught him how to speak. At one point, The Monster began to cry, because he'd finally found a friend. But of course, all good things must come to an end. A couple of hunters wandered by and tried to attack The Monster. Afraid, he thrashed about and ended up setting fire to the old man's shack. Fortunately, the hunters had gotten the old man out before the fire consumed everything.

Meanwhile, back at the Frankenstein Castle, Henry was recovering, and he and Elizabeth finally got married. He was visited by Dr. Pretorious, a man with his own plan. He was able to create these little miniature people in glass bottles, and he said that he grew them himself, rather than creating them from dead parts. How he did this, I have no idea, but it was definitely interesting. What he wanted to do was combine their separate brands of genius to create another creature: a bride for The Monster. Henry wanted no part of it, however. He resisted, until Pretorious brought The Monster to his house and kidnapped Elizabeth. So, Henry agreed in order to get his girl back. It was successful, and the bride was born. But she, like everyone else, was terrified of The Monster. Heartbroken, The Monster decided that he no longer wished to live, and he planned on taking his new Bride, as well as Dr. Pretorious down with him. He actually let Henry and Elizabeth leave, though I don't really understand why. I feel like he was angry with Henry for creating and then abandoning him. The only explanation that I can come up with is this: The Monster knew that they were in love, something he wished desperately to feel, and he thought that they should be able to enjoy that for as long as possible. He's a monster, sure, but he's a compassionate soul. I've always preferred this one to the first, probably because, even though I'm a horror lover, I'm also a sucker for a good love story. This one is tragic, but it's still a love story. It evoked emotions within me that I've been through in my life: abandonment, loneliness, and misunderstanding.

In the first movie, Boris Karloff's name wasn't included in the credits. Where it should have been, there was a question mark instead. Here, he's credited as just Karloff. At the end of the credits, it says: "The monster's mate: ?" So, they stuck with that little tactic, which I found to be really cool in the first movie. Of course, now we know that The Bride was Elsa Lanchester (who also played Mary Shelley, which I have just now realized), but I just think it's an awesome scare tactic. I think more movies should do this; it adds some mystery.

#332 -- Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

Director: Guillermo del Toro
Rating: 5 / 5

Once again, I'm caught reviewing a movie that's not technically horror. IMDB classifies it as drama/fantasy/war. But I really don't give a shit what anyone else calls it. There are elements at work here that just scream horror to me. Besides, it's one of my favorite movies, and I'll review it if I want to, dammit.

Once upon a time, a long time ago, the princess of the Underworld escaped into the human realm. Having been in the dark for so long, the sun blinded her and made her forget who she was. Devastated, her father had portals erected all around the world, awaiting her return. He was certain that she would return one day; perhaps in a different form, in a different time. But she would return, and he would be ready to embrace her.

In Spain, in the 1940s, during war-time, a young girl named Ofelia moved to the countryside with her mother. They lived with Ofelia's new stepfather, Captain Vidal, an evil and malicious army captain. Her mother was with child and very sick, though Captain Vidal didn't care about her at all. All he cared about was having a son that would carry on his name (which didn't work for him). Vidal wasn't only cruel to his enemies; he was cruel to everyone he came in contact with, unless they completely obeyed him without question. Even then, they could never be sure that he wouldn't turn on them. With her mother being ill, and herself being surrounded by death and violence, it's no surprise that Ofelia longed for an escape. A fairy-like creature led her to a labyrinth out in the woods, where she met the Faun. The Faun told her that she was the long-lost princess of the Underworld, and that her father was awaiting her return. Before she could return to her throne, however, she would have to complete a set of tasks to prove that her soul hadn't turned mortal. The Faun gave her a magical book that would explain each of her tasks, and these tasks had to be completed by the full moon.

Pale Man

Ofelia's tasks led her on an incredible adventure, and she met some very interesting creatures. There was a giant toad living in the trunk of a massive tree; the fairy-like creatures I mentioned earlier, which were able to shapeshift and sometimes resembled stick-bugs. There were two creatures that out-shined all the rest. First, a creature called Pale Man, who reminded me of Lord Voldemort, with his flat snake-like nose. His eyes weren't in his head, though; they were in his hands. His body was disgusting, yet somehow compelling (he looked like a naked old man, thankfully not anatomically correct), and he was genuinely creepy as fuck. Then there's the Faun, who was an absolute masterpiece. He's based on the Pan of Greek mythology, which is obvious by the title. Pan was a goat/human hybrid in those mythologies, and that was taken to another level completely here. Visually, Pan's Labyrinth is one-hundred-percent stunning and beautiful. The story was incredible, and I liked how it stayed true to mythology while creating something completely different (like how Ofelia was not supposed to eat anything when she entered the lair of Pale Man, as with Persephone when she first entered the Underworld). The conflicting emotions of child-like wonder, fear, hatred, and love definitely made for a wild ride.

The Faun

To me, Pan's Labyrinth is a perfect movie. It has everything that a good movie should have: wonderful characters, beautiful cinematography, uniquely compelling and spooky creatures; suspense, and scenes that will make you genuinely worry about the characters you've come to love. It is a very dark fairy tale that is both beautiful and frightening.

Fun fact: Some of you might already know this, but I certainly did it. Doug Jones, who played both The Faun and Pale Man, also played Abe in the Hellboy series. I think this guy has a knack for portraying fantastical and awesome creatures.

#304 -- Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Director: Rob Hedden
Rating: 5 / 5

Contains spoilers

Okay, so a lot of people have issues with this movie. It looks like most feel one of two things about it. They think either A) putting him in Manhattan was stupid, or B) that was cool, but he wasn't there long enough. Both are true, but I don't really care about all that. I do have some issues with the movie; to me, it feels like one big plot hole. But I don't care about that either. Parts 7, 8, and 9 of the series are the ones that were released around the time I was a kid -- this one was actually released five months before I was born -- so they're really the ones I remember watching back then. They all have a special place in my heart, no matter how silly or gimmicky they are. This one has always been one of my favorite, and it will stay that way, despite the tiny little issues I have with it. Sure, the movie is nothing but a giant plot hole. Sure, they figured people were getting tired of the summer camp setting (which I absolutely never will) so they stuck him some place else, which felt weird. There are only two movies in the series that I will rate anything below five points, and even then I'm only willing to go as low as 4.9. So, there are only two reasons that I will really have an issue: if they A) mess with the story (part five, where Jason wasn't even present), or B) they mess with Jason's appearance (Jason X, when they turned him into a fucking ROBOT). So, in conclusion, despite its faults, I love Jason Takes Manhattan.

Here's the run-down. It wasn't just a random occurrence that took him to New York. A bunch of high school kids were going on some sort of graduation party/field trip to New York, and they were taking a cruise ship. They happened to go through Crystal Lake, where Jason was awoken via some electricity or something. He climbed aboard the ship, because even though they weren't technically in his camp, they were still invading his home, and he didn't like that. So he started killing all the kids on the ship, and of course, it eventually took them to New York. I don't care that the majority of the movie took place on a boat, because, to me, that just makes the events that much more terrifying for the victims. When they're at the lake, at least there's an endless amount of open space that the kids can run into. Even if their cars don't work (which they never do, of course), they're still not completely stuck. Here, though, there was absolutely nowhere they could go. They were trapped in a confined space with Jason, knowing that the only they could do was either hide or fight. Or throw him overboard, but good luck with that. Once they got to New York, they felt like they'd reached a safe haven. They thought, "Okay, we're here, there are other people around, and there are plenty of places to hide." They learned quickly that there was still no way to get away from him, of course. But that was a giant let-down and, and I feel like it showcases the exhaustion that they must have felt. They went through so much already while they were on the boat; they arrived at their destination, believing that they were safe, only to realize that nowhere was safe from Jason Voorhees. I think that these victims had a rougher time than the rest because of this.

Okay, first I'll explain the issues that I do have with the movie, then I'll round things off with reasons why it's still fucking awesome. I mentioned that it feels like one giant plot hole, and it really does. The back-story for this one really doesn't make any sense at all. The main character, Rennie, has something in common with Jason: she can't swim, and she's terrified of the water. To be fair, Jason's not scared of anything (I hate when people say he's scared of water, because he's in it all the fucking time; there's no way he's scared of  anything.), though he was when he was a child. Apparently, when Rennie was a kid, her uncle tried to teach her to swim by throwing her out of their canoe. While under the water, she saw a young, deformed Jason -- which is why she grew so completely terrified of being in the water. Okay, one of two things were happening with this bit. They were either trying to imply that Jason was a ghost, or they didn't realize that he's like, 40 years older than her and there's no way she could have met him as a child. Throughout the movie, she sees glimpses of the young Jason drowning and crying out for help. She sees him in mirrors and in the windows of the boat. Again, is Jason supposed to be a ghost, or are they somehow mentally linked to one another? It didn't really expand on or explain any of that, so I really didn't get it.

Secondly, the way Jason looked. They didn't fuck with his appearance in the same way that Jason X did. For the most part, he looked just like he was supposed to. When he was unmasked, though...I don't know what the fuck that was. His face was flat, he had no teeth, and his skin sort of looked blue. Hillbilly smuf, anyone? When Jason's mask is removed, we're supposed to be terrified by how vile and gruesome his face is. This, though, was just funny -- and that shit ain't right. He was unmasked down in the sewers of New York. The two heroes threw some toxic waste on his face, it melted a little bit, and then he...turned back into a child. What? Yeah, little Jason returned, in the fetal position crying like a baby. Who knew that toxic waste was a time machine? It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and it  is actually the biggest issue I have with the movie. Maybe it was imagination or drug-induced hallucination (because Rennie had been drugged and almost raped by some thugs). Maybe they were trying to turn Jason into something different; something less than human that we hadn't seen before, but they weren't really sure how to do it. I think that was actually done better in Jason Goes to Hell. Sure, it was stupid as fuck, but at least it made a little bit of sense.

Despite the fact that Jason Takes Manhattan doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I still love it. It has some of my favorite scenes from the entire series, ones that I always use as examples when explaining why I love these movies so much. First, there's a hot rocker chick who is killed by her own guitar. There's the boxer who thought he could actually beat Jason's ass. Jason ended up letting the guy punch him until he was exhausted, then punched his head clean off. It landed it a dumpster. Later, when his friends were trying to find him, they found his head stuck on the gearshift of a police car. Oh, Jason. You're so funny. There was a guy who had a hot sauna rock shoved into his stomach, which looked extremely painful...and awesome! There was the hockey billboard that really confused Jason when he first arrived in New York. And  the best one, and probably my favorite scene in any of the movies. There were some thugs in New York, outside listening to some music. Jason was angry as he walked past them, so he kicked over their boom-box. They thought they were bad-ass, thought they'd pull a knife on him and start cussing him. He turned around, lifted up his mask, and the thugs stumbled through something like, "Sorry, m-man. It's cool, dude." No, he didn't kill them; which brings me to another thing I like about the movie. It shows that Jason isn't the mindless killer everyone thinks he is. Sure, he was a mongoloid. Sure, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. But he's not as stupid as people assume. Once they got to New York, he didn't bother anyone. He didn't kill any of the NY citizens unless they got in his way. He wasn't after them. He had no problems with them, because they hadn't invaded his home. I think he only killed one person in New York, actually, which...makes me smile really big. You remember when Kane Hodder was denied the part in Freddy Vs. Jason, in favor of Ken Kirzinger? Well, I really despise Ken, because he really sucked balls. The NY citizen that Jason killed here? He was played by Ken. Ha! I love watching it now and seeing Kane throw Ken around like a rag doll. Little bitch ass.

So, yeah; the movie has its issues, but it also has its charm. I don't care that it doesn't make sense. Sure, I like the stories they throw in, but that's not why I'm here. It's cool if they've got a good story, but mainly it's about Jason. I don't watch these movies to be engaged with the characters' stories. I don't watch them for the characters, because I could give two shits about any of them, despite how likable they are. I'm here to watch Jason fuck shit up. Ghost, mongoloid, whatever they were trying to turn him into...he still does that quite brilliantly.

#282 -- Cannibal! The Musical (1993)

Director: Trey Parker
Rating: 5 / 5

I honestly cannot believe that I have not yet reviewed this movie, since it's actually one of my favorites. Some might argue that this can't possibly be considered a horror movie, but I really don't care. I, personally, classify it as horror-comedy, as it contains elements of both genres. And it was released by Troma, which is known for its horror-comedy. Sure, it might lean more toward the comedy side of things, but it still has that tiny little element of horror.

Cannibal! The Musical is actually based on a true story. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: yeah right! I thought the same thing the first time I watched it and I saw that in the opening credits. I thought there was no way something so silly was based on truth. But do some research, and you'll find that it's true. It's the story of Alferd Packer, a man who was convicted of cannibalism in Colorado back in the 1800s. So, yes, it is based on fact; though I highly doubt the real Packer and his men ran around singing and dancing. That's just what makes the movie so much fun!

In this version of the story, Alferd Packer was a miner. He and all the other miners were having trouble finding anything, and they had heard about a place where the gold was plentiful. So they set out to Breckenridge to mine for gold and become rich...or die trying. The group of men enlisted Packer as their guide, since he said that he had been there before. But, unfortunately, he didn't know quite as much as he led on, and the group got lost. They remained lost for a long time, forced to live out in the snow with no way out and nothing to eat. When one of the party was killed (shot in the head for singing a song about a snowman one too many times), they figured they could eat him to last at least a little bit longer. But before the end, one of the party went crazy and decided to try to eat everyone else. Since Packer was the only survivor of the group, he was prosecuted for the murders, and he was almost hanged. If not for a pretty young reporter who had a soft spot for Packer, he might have been dead meat.

Trey and Matt; or Alferd and Humphrey

So that's the basic run-down of the movie, but there's so much more to it than that. The group--which consists of Alfred Packer (Trey Parker), James Humphrey (Matt Stone), George Noon (Dian Bachar), Shannon Bell (Ian Hardin), Isreal Swan (Jon Hegel), and Frank Miller (Jason McHugh)--meets some very interesting characters on their way to Breckenridge. They met a cyclops, which was a big 'ol man with a missing eye that squirted some icky juice at them. They met a group of trappers who were real assholes. They met a tribe of Japanese Indians (complete with Teepees), and a weird prophet sort of guy like Crazy Ralph in Friday the 13th ("You're all doomed!") The miners themselves were a colorful bunch. Alferd was kind of weird, and you could tell he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. Humphrey was even duller than Alferd, but he was hilarious. Whenever someone made him mad, his best comeback was, "Nice hat!" Swan was the annoyingly optimistic one of the bunch, which I guess is why he got his brains splattered all over the snow. Miller was the pessimist of the group and liked to sulk the entire time, and Bell was a preacher who seemed fairly normal most of the time.

The songs in Cannibal! The Musical are witty and catchy as hell. "Let's Build a Snowman" is the song that Swan sings, which encourages the others to look past the awful situation they're in and try to have some fun. "When I Was on Top of You" is a sad song about Packer's lost horse Liane. The song sounds awfully perverted, though you know it's about a horse...which just makes it even funnier. The Trappers' song is awful from a vegetarian's point of view, but even I have to admit that it's funny. "Shpadoinkle" is a song about how wonderful, beautiful, and "shpadoinkle" the day is...before they get lost and almost starve to death, that is.

The first time I saw it, I was kind of skeptical. I wasn't really sure what it was all about, or just how stupid it would be. Believe me, it's pretty silly, but it's so amazing you won't even believe it. And it's not even wonderful in that "so bad it's good" sort of way. Yeah, it's silly, but it's meant to be. These guys knew exactly what they were doing, and they know a thing or two about being funny. At the end of the day, you might think it's stupid. But really it's just a genuinely funny movie that succeeds on all levels. When I first saw it, I loved it. It instantly became one of my favorite movies, but there are some other reasons why I absolutely love this movie--not because of what kind of movie it is, or how good it is, but for what it did for me and the other things it introduced me to.

Alferd chowing down on Bell's throat in a scene that represents what everyone thought happened on those mountains.

1 - This is the first Troma movie I ever saw. I don't even remember how I came across it, but up until that point, I'd never even heard of Troma before. Once I saw this, I decided to check out what else the company had to offer, and it also introduced me to quite a few of my other favorite movies. I wouldn't know a thing about Toxie if not for Cannibal! And for that, I give it my sincerest thanks.

2 - It introduced me to South Park. If you're good with names, you'll realize that Trey Parker and Matt Stone (the biggest players in Cannibal!) are also the wonderfully weird and creative minds behind one of the greatest comedy shows ever made. I knew about South Park before I saw this movie, but I'd never watched it. Once I saw Cannibal! and realized who these guys were, I figured it deserved a chance. It became one of my favorite TV shows. You can even see glimpses of South Park throughout the movie, like Matt Stone doing Kyle's voice sometimes, and Trey sounding an awful lot like Cartman. There's even a scene where Humphrey takes his hat off, and there's this giant red afro underneath. It looks a lot like Kyle's picture day episode, where he too reveals his giant red jew-fro.

3 - It introduced me to the comedic genius of Trey and Matt. Again, I knew nothing of these guys up until this point. They made this movie while they were in college, so this was pretty much the beginning for them, and it only got better from there. Aside from South Park and the several Troma movies I grew to love after this, it also introduced me to some others, like BASEketball and Orgazmo, two of the greatest comedy movies ever, in my opinion.

4 - It's fucking awesome. That's the bottom line, and that's all you need to know. If you're a fan of seriously weird shit, you'll love it. It's kind of got the same basic feel of Poultrygeist (also from Troma, and also one of my favorite movies). It puts some comedy in something that's usually not funny at all, adds some fun songs and dance numbers, and creates one hell of a funny movie. Chickens, zombies, and musicals. That's what drew me to Poultrygeist. Cannibals and musicals...that's what drew me here. I was intrigued, though hesitant, and I'm so freaking glad that I gave it a chance. You should too. Even if you don't think it's extremely hilarious and awesome, you'll get something out of it. If you're a fan of Troma, you know where I'm coming from. Lloyd Kaufman, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone. That is a comedy team that could beat out all the rest.

#244 -- Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993)

Rating: 5 / 5
Director: Brian Yuzna

Back in 1985, a revolutionary film in the zombie subgenre was created. That film was Return of the Living Dead. In it, we saw zombies as we'd never seen them before, and we absolutely loved it. It was an absolutely fantastic movie that spawned four sequels and gained a healthy cult following. Three years later, the first sequel was released, and it was several degrees lower than the first in terms of greatness. It just didn't live up to its predecessor's name. But in 1993, director Brian Yuzna stepped it back up, and brought us this delightfully horrifying entry to the series.

It is the story of Curt and Julie, a lovely young punk rock couple that follows no one's rules but their own. Curt's father is employed by a government facility working on creating some new military weapons. I probably don't have to tell you what those weapons are. But just in case you don't know...With the help of some handy Trioxin, they're creating superhuman weapons out of corpses. We've heard this idea many times over, but this time we actually get to see it in detail. In the beginning, they zombies are actually fairly well contained, as Curt and Julie witness them when they break into the lab. But everything goes sour eventually, as is always the case. When Curt's father tells him they will have to move, for his job, Curt and Julie will have none of it. They decide to run away together, so they won't have to be separated. They're planning on moving to Seattle, so Curt can join a band (though obviously he doesn't know the first thing about being a musician), and Julie can settle into a life of nothing but partying. On the way, though, Curt's motorcycle crashes, leaving Julie dead, dead, dead. Fortunately, Curt remembers what he saw in Daddy's lab, and takes Julie back over there to expose her to some Trioxin. All seems well and good for a minute; Julie's back, they're happy, they 're running away together. But zombies will be zombies, and Julie is no exception. Once the craving for brains sets in, she starts freaking out. She doesn't understand what's happening, or why Curt would do such a thing. Since she and Curt have such a strong bond, she will not attack him. He is safe, for the time being. Everyone else, though, had better move the fuck out of her way. So now Curt and Julie have to run away for real; they're trying to evade his father, the police, and a group of Mexican thugs they got into a tussle with at a gas station. They wander through the mean streets and sewers of...well, wherever it is they are, meet a homeless sewer dweller they call River Man, and Julie seriously fucks some shit up.

Part three of the series differed from the first in terms of zombie motivation. You could call it failed continuity, and you might be right, but you can't really be mad about it. In the first, the motivation for eating brains was to assuage the pain of being dead. If you dig down deep, you can actually see where this movie just expanded on that idea and gave it new meaning. In the original, the only thing that can stop the pain is the hunger. In this one, the only thing to stop hunger is pain. Julie realizes that, when she's hurt, she's not hungry. So, to keep from eating everyone in sight, she causes herself some serious pain. She impales herself with rusty springs, needles, shards of glass, chains threaded through her neck meat, and all sorts of other goodies. She becomes 100% bad-ass, and she's definitely one of my favorite horror characters EVER. Not only that, but she's one of my favorite zombies too. Actually, I think all of my favorite zombies come from ROTLD movies...Not only is she one bad-ass lady, but (maybe I'm a freak...) she's sexy as hell. She was beautiful in the first place, but once she got all tricked out with her piercings and mutilations...she was one hot tamale.

I've also got to mention the ending of the movie. I'm not going to give it away, in case some of you out there haven't seen it. But it's kind of a "Bride of Frankenstein" ordeal. It's very sad, and it still brings tears to my eyes every time I watch it. But it works.

I've got to give a shout out to the effects team for the movie. There were actually quite a bit of people working on it, so it's no surprise that the effects were pretty great. No, they weren't perfect. But they were the wonderful corny effects that I, personally, have come to love. I thought they were magnificent. The zombies look wicked as hell. There was one that was basically just a head and a spinal chord, some with their bodies melted together (or some weird shit I can't explain), some that were missing pretty much every body part you can think of, and others that were normal but still bad-ass. Brian Yuzna (director), John Penney (writer), and the very extensive effects team--I thank you for bringing us one of the greatest zombie movies of all time.

So, Return of the Living Dead revolutionized the zombie characters. But part three expanded on those ideas and created a zombie unlike any other, even within the series. It is one of the great zombie masterpieces of our generation, and it will remain in my hall of fame until the end of time. Or until the zombies destroy the world.

#242 -- Army of Darkness (1992)

Rating: 5 / 5
Director: Sam Raimi

Evil Dead is one of the greatest horror trilogies of all time, if you ask me. I absolutely love it. The first one was more of a genuine horror movie, and was terrific. I don't really understand the point of the second one, and I've never been a huge fan of it. But in Army of Darkness, they get back to the good stuff. I'm not really sure, because I just feel like everyone and their brother should love this movie, but it seems like it might be one of those "love it or hate it" type of things. All the fans love it, but I feel like it would be impossible to explain its sheer awesomeness to someone who isn't a fan. I shun all you naysayers, though, because Army of Darkness is the shit.

At the end of the second one, we saw Ash go through a portal of some kind. Well, it turns out that was a time-travelling portal--the best kind! He was transported to the medieval times, where he was totally out of place and 100% badass. When he first arrived, they thought he was affiliated with someone they didn't like, so they planned to kill him. They threw him into a big hole, where deadites waited to destroy him. They didn't realize they were dealing with Ash, deadite slayer, though. He destroyed the deadites in the hole, climbed out, and showed everyone who was boss. He presented his Boomstick, leaving everyone cowering in fear, and they gave him the respect that he deserved.

"This is my Boomstick!"

Ash could have stayed, enjoyed the change of pace and scenery, but all he wanted to do was get back to his own time. However, the wise man told him that the only way that would be possible was with the Necronomicon. And, of course, Ash was the only one who could retrieve it. So, it was quest time! He had to find the book in an old cemetery, and some funky shit happened to him on the way. We got to see an army of tiny little versions of Ash who liked to torment him. We saw Ash get a magical evil siamese twin, only to separate from him and fight to the death. When he got to the cemetery, there were three books, but only one was the right one.

We got to see him sucked into one of them, only to emerge with a severely elongated face--which was absolutely funny as shit. Oh, the wise man gave Ash an incantation that he would have to speak once he got the book, otherwise deadites would rise to take it back. Ash, of course, fucked it up, and the Army of Darkness rose to take over the castle. And who should be the leader of the deadites but Evil Ash? Of course.

He got a nice robotic hand to replace his chainsaw, turned his car into some weird killing machine, created some explosives; and of course, he still had his trusty Boomstick. So, together with his new found friends, and some enemies made friends, they prepared to ward off the dead army and protect their castle.

This movie seriously has so much awesome packed into it, I don't even know where to begin. First, there's Bruce Campbell. He, of course, is fantastic. There would be no Ash if not for him. I honestly cannot imagine anyone else in the world playing the character, and I hope it never happens--because it wouldn't work. His one-liners and odd sense of humor are what makes the character and the movie work so well. The fact that he was so out of place in the medieval times also made it funnier. The effects in this one were great, though some of them were reminiscent of old movies (you know, bats on strings and stuff, though here it was skeletons). Some of the humor obviously was inspired by the Three Stooges, and the action scenes bordered on slapstick comedy. The deadites looked wonderful. Everything was wonderful, even though it was silly. Actually, I think it's wonderful because it's silly. There's nothing scary about this movie, don't be mistaken. The first one was a horror movie, and I loved that one so very much. This one is a horror-comedy that leans more on the comedy side of things. But it's so wonderful that I don't even care that it doesn't scare me. It makes me laugh my ass off, and I love that.

So, to anyone who hasn't seen this movie: Where the hell have you been? And to anyone who has seen it but doesn't like it: What the hell is wrong with you? All kidding aside, to me, this is one of the greatest movies ever made. End of story.

#236 -- Frankenstein (1931)

Frankenstein (1931) film poster (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Rating: 5 / 5
Director: James Whale

This is often considered the single greatest horror movie ever made. While it's not my number one favorite movie, I would probably have to agree. It was one of the first horror monsters in creation, one of the "big three," as I like to call them (along with Dracula and The Wolf Man). It has inspired so much, has been copied and remade, but it has, and never will be, duplicated.

I read the book when I was in high school, and even though I don't remember every little detail, I do remember how completely different it was. In the book, the Monster was actually a very intelligent creature. After he was cast out by his creator, he wandered the wilderness. He eventually taught himself to speak and read, and he had an actual thought process--not like this Monster we've come to know and love. He was also kind of an asshole. His goal was to find Victor, his creator, and have revenge on him and his family for creating and shunning him. He also wanted a bride, so that he wouldn't feel so alone; when Victor didn't comply (or rather, promised him a mate and didn't make good on that promise), he was even angrier. I really can't blame him for being the way he was. I would have been angry too. He didn't ask to be made; and he certainly didn't ask to be feared and hated.

In the movie, though, it seems they softened the Monster up a bit. To me, he was a very sympathetic and tragic character. The doctor was actually named Henry in the movie (they switched the names of Dr. Frankenstein and his best friend), and he was obsessed with creating the Monster. He didn't care how many times people called him crazy, because he wanted to discover something great. He and his assistant, Fritz, stole bodies from the cemetery and parts from the medical lab in order to work on his experiment. Fritz, whose job it was to find the brain for the creature, messed up. He got an abnormal brain rather than a normal brain, which would be the cause of the creature's "viciousness." He stayed alone in an abandoned tower, leaving his family, friends and fiance home to worry about him. His best friend Victor, a doctor friend, and fiance Elizabeth visited him one day, claiming once again that he was crazy. But the storm that would bring his creation to life was brewing, and he was determined to show everyone that he was perfectly sane.


When he finally brought the creature to life, he started to regret it. He seemed fine at first, until Fritz brought a torch into the room, causing the Monster to lash out at everyone. This wasn't because he was vicious, of course; it was simply because he was afraid. But that scared everyone. They locked him up and planned to destroy him. Henry and Elizabeth returned home, leaving Henry's doctor friend to destroy the Monster. That didn't go very well for the doctor, and the Monster escaped.

The first person he met after his escape was a little girl named Maria. He befriended her for a brief period, which is what showed me that he was a severely misunderstood character. They were playing with flowers by a lake, and Maria was showing him how they floated. When he ran out of flowers, he decided to throw Maria in the lake. He had no intentions of harming her in any way; he was only trying to play with her. After that, he ran away in search of his creator. He crashed Henry and Elizabeth's wedding, while an angry mob was forming in the town. The mob chased the Monster to a big windmill in the mountains, where the set fire to the building, and supposedly destroyed the Monster for good.

What I love about the movie is the fact that the Monster is a sympathetic and misunderstood character. Like a snake, he only became vicious when he was threatened. He never meant to hurt anyone; but they frightened him and he saw no other option. I do believe he felt some negativity towards the Frankenstein family for creating and deserting him, but the way this character was portrayed, I really don't think he had the brain power to come up with such things. In the book, yes; but in the movie, he was meant to be a brain-dead monster and nothing more. I really think he only wanted to be reunited with his "father," and not to be left alone any longer.

A couple of things I really enjoyed about the movie--Frederick Kerr as Henry Frankenstein's father. He was silly, and he made me laugh every time he was on screen. He was the typical silly old man, and I really enjoyed him. And, of course, Boris Karloff. This was my first introduction to him, and I've loved him ever since. What's interesting, though, is that he wasn't even credited as playing The Monster. In the credits, there was only a question mark where his name should have been. I guess that added to the mystery and terror of the character, which I thought was really cool.

Either way you choose to look at it, love it or hate it, you cannot deny that Frankenstein is a piece of cinematic history that will never lose its place in the hearts of horror fans.

#226 -- A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

Rating: 5 / 5
Director: Chuck Russell

I looked into a few reviews and comments about this movie, and it seems that some people think it is stupid. A new idea was introduced in this one, as well as a new trait in Freddy's personality. It's also the movie in which Freddy's nemesis was finally destroyed. Some people don't like that. It would be different if it had been done way later in the series; but at this point, the franchise was still young, so I think it was okay for them to switch things up a bit and make it more interesting. Personally, I think if they hadn't, Freddy wouldn't have become as much of an icon as he is. But that's just me.

Anyways, this one steers away from the direction the second movie took; meaning it's actually really good. I didn't understand the second one, really. In the first, Freddy was taking revenge on those who killed him by murdering their children. I guess he figured, kill their kids so they live the rest of their lives knowing it was their fault. That's more than enough to make someone's life miserable. But in the second, Freddy wanted to possess the main character, for whatever reason. But in this one, he returns to wanting all the kids dead. The story centers on Kristen, one of the many Elm Street children. She is sent to Westin Hills psychiatric hospital after what her mother believed was a suicide attempt (but which was actually an attack by Freddy, of course). She's joined by a group of other teenagers having the same problems: the dreams about the horribly burned man in the Christmas sweater. Heather Langenkamp returns as Nancy; she's all grown up, and she works at Westin Hills. She's been taking a drug called Hypnocil, which suppresses her dreams and keeps the boogeyman away. She wants to give it to the kids, but certain problems prevent that from happening.

Nancy soon discovers that Kristen has the ability to pull other people into her dreams, meaning that they can form a sort of army against Freddy. They also discover that they can do whatever they want in their dreams. Why no one figured this out before now, I have no clue. Kristen is a gymnast in her dreams; Taryn is a badass chick; Will, wheelchair-bound after a suicide attempt, can walk in his dreams. And he's also the Wizard Master. Kincaid, the tough guy, is super strong when he dreams; Joey, the cute mute guy, has a very powerful voice in dreamland. And Nancy is just Nancy, I guess. So, once they realize that they can have all these powers in their dreams, they decide to go in after Freddy, in hopes that, together, they can take him.

What I love about this one is just that: the dream powers. If Freddy can do all these crazy things, why shouldn't the kids be able to have powers? And they are dreams, after all; anything is possible. This one also has one of my favorite death scenes ever. A guy named Phillip has the tendons in  his arms ripped out, and they're used as marionette strings, with Freddy as the puppeteer. He ends up making Phillip jump out of a window. It just looks so amazing. So, I love that they introduced the dream powers in this one, and I'm not actually sure if they ever used it again. I know everyone always brought Freddy into the real world, but I can't quite remember if they ever had special powers in their dreams. But, anyways, I loved that. This is also the movie where Freddy's sense of humor really started. He got silly. Some people might not like that, but honestly...Freddy wouldn't be the same otherwise. Just think about if you were in the kids' shoes. There's this scary dude trying to kill them. They're going to be mad at him to begin with, right? Well, on top of that, he's making fun of them too. They've got to be pissed. But we, as audience members, just find it hilarious. That's what makes everyone love Freddy. He's scary, but he's also funny. You don't know whether to laugh or run away and hide.

So I loved how they switched it up in this movie, but I have a few questions. We know why Freddy exists. He was killed by the parents of Elm Street, and his revenge was to kill all of their children. In this one, Nancy says that the kids in Westin Hills are the last of the Elm Street children. Since Nancy was killed in this one, and remaining kids were killed in the next movie, why did Freddy continue killing? This question wasn't answered until, I believe, Wes Craven's New Nightmare. Freddy said that, when he died, he was offered a "job" by some demons. So, it was his job to kill children then. I guess he just decided that, if he had to kill some, he might as well get some revenge while he was at it. And once he was finished with his revenge, he still had a job to do, so he just kept on going. That was until no one was scared of him anymore, and he had to bring in my husband to put some fear back into the hearts of the kids on Elm Street.

Another thing I liked about this movie was that it went a little deeper into Freddy's past. We learned how he was born, and how he got the nicknamed "bastard son of a hundred maniacs." We got to meet Freddy's mother, and it kind of gave us a clue of why he was so messed up in his life. We got to understand him better.

This has always been my favorite of the Nightmare movies, and I know it always will be. Dream powers, a nun being raped by 100 crazy men, and Dokken. Can't forget them. I actually knew nothing about them until I saw the movie, but the theme song to Dream Warriors is fantastic. You should definitely have a listen.

I don't have a problem with the new direction they took with Freddy. I'm glad they decided to make him a comical character. It's just another reason why A Nightmare on Elm Street is different from any other horror movie ever made.

#209 -- Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986)

Rating: 5 / 5
Director: Tom McLoughlin

You know how a series, once it gets to a certain point, starts getting silly? This is where Friday the 13th started showing us its humorous side. It wasn't all that bad, and there were definitely sillier ones to follow, but this is where it started. That doesn't mean I don't love the movie still, because it's actually one of my favorites, but there are certain parts in it that will make you laugh out loud.

Tommy Jarvis out of the halfway house he was sent to in the fifth movie.  I guess having been through what he'd been through--someone masquerading around as the man that Tommy feared most--he needed some clarity in his life. He wanted to make damn sure that Jason Voorhees was dead. Even though some guy in part five said that Jason was cremated, in part six, Tommy visited Jason's grave. The body was inside, which was exactly what Tommy wanted to see. But that wasn't enough for him. By then he knew Jason, so he wanted to be extra sure that Jason was dead. So he dug up the grave and opened up Jason's casket. He was, indeed, dead. But Tommy's relief was short-lived, because a lightning strike straight into Jason's coffin brought him right back from the dead.

As per usual, Jason returned to Crystal Lake to slaughter some teenagers. This one had one of my favorite kills in it, as well. It's not one of my favorites because it's vicious and gruesome, or anything like that. It's one of my favorites because it's funny. It is the reason I say that this movie was the turning point of the silliness for the series. It's really the only silly part, but it was the only silly thing from any of the movies up to this point. There was a guy out in the woods playing a game of paintball. Jason grabbed his arm and flung him, taking his arm clean off. The guy's face smashed into a tree, leaving a smiley face imprint. I mean, really? Did they expect us to believe that's what it would actually look like had the guy's face really smashed into the tree? I don't think so. I think they just wanted a little bit of comic relief to throw into the mixture.

Another thing I really love about this movie is the soundtrack. It features a few songs by one of my favorite artists, Alice Cooper. Teenage Frankenstein is in there, as well as a song that Alice wrote specifically for the movie: a song called He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask). Once I heard it, it instantly became one of my favorite songs. Jason is featured in the music video for the song, and Alice even dresses up like him to scare a few kids in a movie theater. It's all fun and games, and I fucking love it. Click here to see the music video!

Jason was played by a guy named C.J Graham in this one. He is an ex-marine, he was in pretty good shape, and I think he did a good job. He's my third favorite person to ever play Jason, behind Kane Hodder and Derek Mears.

From this point on, the movies did get kind of silly, but I still love them anyway. There's no way in hell you'll ever get me to say any of these movies are less than wonderful--even the ones I don't like as much as some others. The series as a whole is my favorite thing ever, and you'll never hear me claim otherwise. So even though this one was a bit silly, as were most of the ones that followed, all but one will receive a five-point rating (that one being Jason X, which receives a 4.9).

#193 -- The Toxic Avenger (1984)

Rating: 5 / 5
Directors: Michael Herz & Lloyd Kaufman

He was 95 pounds of solid nerd, until he became...The Toxic Avenger!

With all those other lucky superheroes out there, I think it's nice to have an unlucky one who everyone can relate to. Iron Man could only do what he did because he had money, and it was the same with Batman. Superman was an alien, so he doesn't count. Thor was a God, so it's only natural that he'd be badass. And then there's Melvin Ferd. I think he's like a cross between Captain America and The Hulk. Captain America was a tiny little nerd, until some unlikely and surprising circumstances turned him into a hero. Bruce Banner was a normal guy, until he was exposed to some gamma rays, turning him into The Hulk.

Melvin was the biggest nerd you could ever imagine. I actually think that's how they came up with his last name--Ferd--a contraction of Fucking Nerd. I mean, he was the worst. He was goofy looking, he was clumsy, he was a pervert; he was every bully's favorite guy. He was a janitor at the Tromaville Health Club. They called him the Mop Boy, and  he was an extremely easy target for ridicule. There was a group of bullies in particular that liked to pick on Melvin, but they were more than just bullies. They were murderers. They played a game of hit and run, with each target earning them a certain amount of points. One day one of the evil girls, Julie, decided to play a prank on Melvin. She told him she wanted to do it with him, but only if he was wearing pink, because pink really turned him on. Since he didn't have anything pink, she gave him a tutu and told him to meet her at the pool. When he got there, all the lights were out, but he followed her voice to her waiting lips. Or what he thought were her waiting lips; the lips that actually awaited him belonged to a sheep. Completely humiliated, Melvin ran.

Everyone in the gym ran after him, cackling laughter all the way. He ended up jumping out of a window, and he landed in a barrel of toxic waste on a truck parked below. Instead of killing him, like you would expect, the toxic waste gave him superpowers.

Everyone who knows anything about Troma knows that they are low budget movies. But anyone who watches them knows that their effects are actually quite good. The transformation from Melvin to Toxic Avenger was gruesome, gross, and awesome. After he was transformed by the toxic waste, Melvin had a sort of spidey sense. Whenever evil was around, he lost control, and he just had to destroy it. The superhero inside of him took over, and evil was no match for him. Toxie, as his fans so lovingly refer to him now, was vicious and bad ass. He could really fuck shit up. And trust me, there were plenty of people to be fucked up in Tromaville. It was a crime-ridden town, with gangs, thieves, drug dealers, and crooked politicians galore. But Toxie was on a mission to rid his beloved town of all evil--cleaning up crime, one thug at a time, with his mops of justice. They called him The Monster Hero, and he was either loved or hated by the townspeople. Some were afraid of him, and thought he should be destroyed, though those were mostly the crooked ones with something to  hide. The others, the ones he saved from the gangs, were very thankful and loyal to him. Along with his blind girlfriend Sarah, they were all on his side, and they would save him from the evil government trying to kill him.

Even though it was a terrible situation that Melvin was thrown into, it wasn't all bad. He got to have his revenge in the end, and he became a hero with a beautiful woman by his side. This might not be a full-fledged horror movie (I think it's lumped in there because of all the over-the-top gore).

It's a beautiful coming of age story with a wonderful message to tell. If Melvin Ferd, the biggest loser on the planet, can find his place in this world, and find love while he's at it, so can you.

To me, there's no excuse for not loving this movie. If you don't, you're a weirdo and you should be ashamed of yourself. Not really, but I do think it appeals to many different senses. It's got the typical Troma gore--over the top and completely ridiculous, but at the same time fucking awesome. It's got those stupid, corny jokes I've come to love. And, of course, it's got an unbelievable story that becomes believable with its wonderful characters. Toxic waste or no, Melvin Ferd is the shit. And if you're one of those awesome people who do enjoy this kind of think, you should check out the novelization of the movie, written by Lloyd Kaufman himself (along with some guy named Adam Jahnke, though I believe it was just Lloyd and he's fucking with us). It gets deeper into Melvin's past, as well as his girlfriend Sarah's. It also tells us more of the corruption of Tromaville and its leaders. And also, it's funny as shit.

The Toxic Avenger is a franchise no one expected. How could something so stupid go so far? Two sequels, books, a children's cartoon, a theater production (I'm not even kidding), action figures, etc. Toxie has become an icon and a household name. So my last words for you guys are these: All hail the monster hero!

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can

#188 -- Child's Play (1988)

Rating: 5 / 5
Director: Tom Holland

Everyone knows his name; everyone knows his face; everyone knows what he was after. Well, at least I hope everyone knows about him. When it comes to movies about killer dolls, Child's Play is the best of the bunch, if not the only one worth watching at all. Maybe it's the fact that I saw it as a kid, and nothing could make me think it was anything less than great. But I think it's simply that it's the only one that made it work. Most other killer doll movies have something to do with ancient demons possessing the dolls, trying to take over the world through children--or some other dumb shit like that. But here, it's just a simple serial killer who didn't want to die. Charles Lee Ray got some help from his voodoo friend, and he was able to transfer his soul into that of a Good Guy doll. There's a little bit of witchcraft here, but none of that demonic mumbo jumbo that we see in all the others. Just a psycho who knew he was about to die at the hands of a police officer, and he decided he wanted to go on killing folks. Everything here was so well done that it couldn't possibly not work.

All Andy Barclay wanted for his birthday was a Good Guy doll. He was obsessed with the TV show, and he even dressed like the characters. The dolls were supposed to be very lifelike; they were able to turn their heads, blink, and talk. So when Andy got pants for his birthday instead, he was understandably devastated. His mother, hating the sad look on his face, bought a discount Good Guy doll from a homeless guy in an alley. Little did she know that he had found the doll in the abandoned toy store where Charles Lee Ray, an infamous serial killer around their town, was killed. The first person to notice that Andy was too convinced that the doll was real was his babysitter. That babysitter ended up with a hammer in her face, before falling to her death from a very tall building. The detective working that case was the same man who killed Charles Lee Ray, and it took him a good while to believe that he'd possessed the doll. The detective was played by Chris Sarandon (Jerry Dandridge from Fright Night; and I just realized that he was also the voice behind Jack Skellington), who did a wonderful job. Catherine Hicks (7th Heaven) played Andy's mother.

The Detective was convinced that Andy had something to do with the babysitter's death. There were footprints in the kitchen that matched Andy's, but that was because he and Chucky wore the same shoes. Of course, the detective wouldn't even consider that. Andy tried to tell everyone that Chucky had been talking to him and telling him some pretty nasty things. He tried to tell them that it was Chucky, but no one believed him. They thought he had mental issues and sent him away with a doctor. But Mrs. Barclay soon learned that her son was not crazy. She took Chucky home and, through what I can only describe as a fit of uncertainty (what if Andy's not crazy? what if the doll really is alive?), threatened him until he spoke. He did indeed speak, before biting a chunk out of her arm and fleeing to find Andy.

Chucky found out from his voodoo friend that the longer he stayed in the doll's body, the more human he would become. Meaning that he could get hurt, and he could eventually be killed. The only way to fix that was to transfer his soul into the first person he revealed himself to; which, of course, happened to be six year-old little Andy. Unfortunately for him, his attempts to possess Andy were thwarted by the Detective and Mrs. Barclay.

Watching this when it was first released, it probably would have been easy to believe, at first, that Andy was the killer. They tried to make it seem that way for a while, and it would obviously be the most rational explanation. Killer children are more believable than killer dolls, after all. But watching it now, it's  just a wait around for the killing to get good type of thing, because we all know who the true killer was. But that doesn't change the fact that this movie will always be awesome. There's just something about Chucky that is terrifying, where other killer dolls are just stupid. When I was a kid, I had a Chucky doll that hung in one of those mesh nets above my bed. He was on the bottom and face down, so he stared down at me at night. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and had my mom get rid of it. Now I wish I hadn't, but the point is that Chucky is scary. They made him so life-life, and I'm actually amazed at how great the effects were for that time. The '80s are notorious for bad effects, but the effects in Child's Play are extremely good. Chucky almost did look human. He had facial expressions, rather than just a mechanically moving mouth. He bled (because he was slowly becoming human, not because they didn't realize that dolls don't bleed), he moved just about like a small child would. He looked real. He looked like a doll that could truly come to life and kill everyone in sight. That's what made him terrifying; they took something completely far-fetched and made it believable.

So, here's my advice for you. If you've never seen this movie, crawl out from under your rock and go out to your nearest video store and get it. It is the only killer doll movie you'll ever see that's actually worth your time.

I also have a serious question that I would like answered. Do you think Chucky is the reason the world hates red-heads? As a red-head, I'm really interested in knowing why everyone hates us. Is it Chucky, is it South Park (gingers have no souls, blah blah blah), or is my boyfriend right in thinking it's Carrot Top? Completely off topic, yes, but I'd really like to know.

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can

#186 -- Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Rating: 4.5 / 5
Director: Drew Goddard

Upon a first look, you'll think this is just like any other cliche horror movie. There's a group of college kids out in the woods, and they start to die. Even the kids themselves are pretty cliche. There's the whore, the jock, the smart guy, the stoner, and the sweet innocent girl that everyone roots for. Personally, I was rooting for the jock, but that's another issue entirely. But, you'll know by the trailers and various previews that it's actually quite different. Everything these people are going through is controlled by an outside force. But I don't think you could possibly realize just how different it is until you watch it.

It all started in the cellar of the cabin. There were various objects that seemed fairly normal; but they were special gadgets, and they would decide the group's fate. Whichever object they found the most interest in would release some sort of adversary. In their case, it was a family of torturous zombies. I think the family's father was abusive, and he killed the entire family; but it didn't go very much into their story, rather than reading a few pages from the daughter's diary. They looked kind of swampy, which I guess was from being in the gross lake waters for so long. They called them zombies, but they weren't the eat-people kind of zombies. They killed them with saws, bear traps, and whatever else they could get their hands on. All the while, everything was being controlled by some people in a control room. The kids could decide the outcome somewhat, but it was mostly rigged. The whole time, there were chemicals being released into the cabin. It would change the way they thought, and steer their actions toward whatever the directors wanted them to do. Of course, it didn't have much of an effect on the stoner, because his marijuana cancelled the effect of the chemicals. There was also a wall between the cabin area and the "real world," and there really was no way across it. We found this out when Mr. Jock decided to try to jump his motorcycle through it. It didn't end very well for him.


At the end there was supposed to be only one: the virgin. They said that the virgin's death was optional, and it was decided by fate, rather than the puppeteers. But that didn't go very well for them. In the end, there were two. I was actually kind of confused about that, though. The one they said was the virgin was not a virgin. Something was said at the beginning of the movie about her sleeping with one of her professors. So, my question is this: were they rooting for the wrong one? Anyways, they found their way back to the control room, and they learned the truth of what was happening to them. It was a scheme much bigger than just wanting them dead. In the building, there were cubes filled with different sorts of creatures; any of them could have been unleashed on the kids. There were zombies (real zombies), demons, killer clowns, killer unicorns, werewolves, a Pinhead-type guy, giant serpents, giant spiders, and a shit load of other things. There was even something they called a merman, but it looked nothing like any merman I've ever seen before. It was actually very interesting.

So, it started out just like any other horror movie would; but it ended up being completely different, and I really liked it. The only problem I had was the direction they took with the creatures. With all those other awesome things available, they chose the swampy zombies? I'm talking about the directors/screenwriters, not the characters. They could have chosen something much better. I personally would have liked to see the big pin-head like guy. There was some sort of puzzle ball that would have brought him to them. He had saw blades stuck in his head, he was big, and he definitely looked very dangerous. I would have liked to see what he would have done to them. Some of the things I understand would have made the movie less appealing (like the killer clown; there are so many of those), but some things would have been badass. But they did what they did, and I still really loved this movie. I'd been wanting to see it for a long, long time, and I'm so freaking glad that I finally did. So, what are my last words on this movie? Look at that picture above, the one to the left. That's Chris Hemsworth. 'Nuff said.

#169 -- House on Haunted Hill (1959)

Director: William Castle
Rating: 5 / 5

I've always said this is one of my favorite movies, and it's available to me on so many outlets. I have it on two different DVD sets, and it's available on Netflix. So there's really no excuse for me waiting so long to post about it. The first thing you need to know (as if you didn't already) is that our leading man here is the one and only Vincent Price. I haven't come close to seeing all his films but I can say honestly that he's one of my favorite actors. He had a look about him, and that voice! His name-Vincent Price- rolls off the tongue and sounds so nice. He was made for horror. Or horror was made for him, either way. Plus he was an amazing actor. In everything I've seen him in, he puts all the other actors/actresses to shame. No one could hold a candle to our dear Mr. Price. I just love him! There's something about him that screams elegance and grace, but at the same time he's creepy as hell. He was just a beautiful man, and that is made very apparent here. While all other aspects of this movie could very rightfully be called silly and campy, Mr. Price's performance can be called nothing other than brilliant, as is everything else he ever did. The Plot: A millionaire, Frederick Loren, holds a birthday party for his wife, in which he invites five strangers to a so-called haunted house. He will pay them each ten thousand dollars if they can stay in the house overnight. If they all survive, they get the ten grand. If not all of them survive, the fifty thousand he was willing to shell out will be divided between the survivors. One of the men at at the party, a Mr. Pritchard, truly believes there are ghosts in the house. He knows of all the murders that have happened there over the years (one of which was his brother's), and he's sure that the ghosts are coming for each and every one of them. Nora, the pretty girl of the group, sees a ghost first. She's the only one who ever sees anything, and it slowly drives her a little bit mad. When the body of Mrs. Loren is found hanging from the ceiling, everyone (except Mr. Pritchard, of course) is positive that Frederick is to blame. They lock themselves in their bedrooms and try to stay alive until morning, so they can alert the police to Mrs. Loren's murder. Only Mrs. Loren wasn't murdered. She wasn't even dead! [Spoiler alert] The whole thing was an elaborate scheme between Mrs. Loren and her lover to kill Frederick, so that she could get his money. The things Nora was seeing was just what they called "hysteria"; the idea of the ghosts frightened her so much that her subconscious convinced her she was seeing them. It was all a part of the plan. So, where there really any ghosts? If the walls could talk, only they would be able to tell us.

I'm not really sure why, but I just love this movie. The scares are a bit silly and over the top, but honestly, what do you expect from a movie like this? Every horror movie made around this time is going to look silly to us, because we know what possibilities movies have these days. We've seen CGI and and top-notch special effects. So skeletons on strings are just downright stupid, right? I don't think so. Like I've said many times before, it's the simplicity of these movies that draws me to them. They don't need over the top gore to get their point across. All they're trying to do is give us a little spook. Ask someone that grew up in the 1950s and watched this movie as a child. They'll tell you it scared the shit out of them, I'm sure. I am a gore whore; I love seeing buckets of blood and guts everywhere. But it is nice to see, every once in a while, a movie rely on atmosphere and other things to get its scares in. House on Haunted Hill is beautiful and elegant, and Vincent Price is such a distinguished gentleman (even though he really wanted his dear wife dead), that I can't help but love it. And you should too! There was a remake of this, of course, some time in the '90s I think. I actually enjoyed the remake quite a bit too. There was a sequel to the remake called Return to House on Haunted Hill, and that one just...well, that one sucked. There's nothing quite like the original, and there will never be another movie quite like this one.