#108 -- A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)

Director: Jack Sholder
Rating: 4/5

1428 Elm Street was a place of nightmares for Nancy in the first film. Now it's five years later; Nancy is gone (to an insane asylum, as we learn from part 3), and a new family has moved into the house. Jesse begins having nightmares immediately after moving in. They cause him to wander off and do strange things. His dad thinks he's on drugs, his mom thinks he crazy, and his girlfriend Lisa thinks he's a psychic--that his dreams are premonitions. Jesse doesn't know what to think. All he knows is that there's something inside of him that wants to control him. That something, of course, is Freddy Kreuger. When Jesse and Lisa find Nancy's diary, Jesse starts to think that his dreams are more than just nightmares.

It seems that, since he was thwarted by Nancy in the first movie, Freddy lost a little bit of his mojo. We know he gets his power from fear, and I guess not enough people fear him yet. He's weak. He's still got his brains and desire to kill, he just hasn't got the body for it. That's where Jesse comes in. This movie is different from the first, because Jesse doesn't dream about his own murder, but rather other peoples'. He sees them dying in horrific ways, killed by Freddy. But when they're dead, he finds himself alone, covered in blood, and sporting Freddy's glove. In one dream, he meets his gym coach in a gay S$M bar, and they go back to Springwood High. After doing a couple of laps around the gym, he goes to the shower, only to be followed by Coach, who is being drug by an invisible Freddy via a jumprope. He's tied up to the shower heads, and invisi-Freddy starts whipping him on the ass with a towel. Everything in this movie implies that Jesse's got a little bit of homosexuality buried deep inside him. He doesn't know if he's going crazy, or if he is actually killing these people. But his will to live and the love that he and Lisa share just might be enough to get rid of Freddy for good. The action culminates in, of course, a boiler room, where Freddy is confronted by his old nemesis: fire.

I think this was a fairly interesting premise. I guess they wanted to go a different direction with the follow up to the original Nightmare. It was interesting, but it didn't completely work for me. I still prefer good 'ol fashion Freddy, doing the killing himself without the need of a host body. I'm glad they went back to the old formula after this one. It's cool going back and watching the earlier movies, because we can see just how much Freddy has changed in appearance. He always has his Christmas sweater, his fedora, and his glove, but the effects change drastically of course. Freddy looked weird in this one to me, because I've grown used to the newer ones (having watched Freddy vs. Jason about a bajillion times). But that doesn't change the fact that Freddy is awesome and always will be. Though this is my least favorite of the series, it's still a must for Freddy fans. And it's also (as far as I can remember) the only time a girl has ever, or ever will again, willingly make out with Freddy Kreuger.


#107 -- Decadent Evil (2005)

Director: Charles Band
Rating: 3/5

Somewhere in the world, there's a strip club that employs a couple of hot vampire chicks named Sugar and Spyce. They belong to a small clan, including themselves and their leader Morella. Also in their immediate family is Marvin, an ex lover of Morella's who she turned into a prehistoric human (which looks like like a half bird/half reptile) after he betrayed her. There's a little something about bloodsucking that I never knew: the first bite, the first draw of blood is called the Primal Blood, and it is supposed to carry the soul of the victim. Legends say that if a vampire can feast on the Primal Blood of 10,000 victims, he or she will become ruler of all vampires. This is Morella's plan, and she is only three victims away from completing it. But Sugar's concerned boyfriend and a wee little vampire hunter just might thwart that plan.

I liked this one mostly because of Marvin. That little thing was pretty funny. There's a lot of sex in this one, so don't let the little ones watch it with you. Marvin even has a couple of hilarious sex scenes. They're hilarious to me, but probably pretty gross to most other people. There's a little bit of action, decent acting, and a pretty good storyline. There's a little bit of romance shoved in there for good measure, and it's also a revenge story. Babes, vampires, and monsters. Sounds pretty good on paper, right? Sadly it didn't deliver to the full potential that the story offered. It was okay, but it could have been a lot better. The final battle was disappointing and anticlimactic, and there just wasn't quite enough blood for a vampire movie - for my tastes, anyhow. It was on an 8-pack from Wal-Mart, though, so I didn't expect anything mind-blowing. I went into it knowing it wouldn't be extremely great, so I came out of it fairly entertained. It was good for a few laughs, but not much else.


#106 -- Friday the 13th part 4: The Final Chapter (1984)

Director: Joesph Zito
Rating: 5/5

Part four of the Friday the 13th series was a historical event, I think. It was in this film that we met Tommy Jarvis (played by an adorable little Corey Feldman) for the first time. Here, tommy is somewhere around 10-12 years old, I believe. He's young, but he's smart--and he's got a strange talent for creating monster make-up effects. Tommy, his mother, and his sister Trish live in a cabin on Crystal Lake. How they've been able to live there and not become victims of our dear Jason, I'll never know. But they've managed to survive so far. It isn't until the dumb teenagers move in next door that things start to go horribly wrong. We've got a big group of people here, so there's a lot of opportunities for Jason to get his revenge.

He's got his usual weapons: machete, axe, and knives. But he throws in a couple of other things to keep it interesting; things like a cork-screw. Crispin Glover is the lucky winner of the cork-screw, and it's actually pretty upsetting. He's always been one of my favorite characters, because he was silly and he made me laugh. Oh well, I can never stay mad at Jason for very long. Anyways, when Tommy, Trish and their mother realize that the kids next door are dying off in gruesome ways, they know something's got to be done. They receive a little help from a man named Rob, who is in the woods searching for his sister (who disappeared on the lake a couple of years ago)--though, sadly, he doesn't offer quite enough help.

Tommy is our young hero in this one, and his affinity for horror effects comes in handy, and it plays a big role in Jason's "death." A fun fact: this was actually supposed to be the last movie in the series, hence the title "The Final Chapter." So, the original idea was that Tommy Jarvis actually did kill Jason. Thankfully for us, this didn't hold up. Jason would return, though he would be quite different. Up until this point, Jason was 100% human. A strange human, but a human nonetheless. Since Tommy killed him, when Jason returns, he is 0% human and 100% fucking awesome. He's stronger and more difficult to kill, so I guess Tommy actually did him a favor. This wouldn't be the end of their relationship, though. Tommy also returns to fight Jason in two more movies.

Like I said, this was a historical edition to the series, because it introduced Jason's nemesis. It was also the turning point for Jason; the moment when he went from human, to undead killing machine. So thank you, Tommy Jarvis, for making Jason what he is today.


#105 -- Blackout (2008)

Director: Rigoberto Castaneda
Rating: 3/5

Three strangers become become trapped in an elevator in an apartment that is under renovation. Claudia, who was trying to get a photograph for her dying grandmother; Tommy, who needs to get to his girlfriend so that they can run away, after having killed her abusive father; and Karl, a doctor who needs to get out to meet with his young daughter. A bad situation turns worse when one of the three is revealed to be a serial killer.

The killer finally can't take it anymore, and knows that he/she needs to get out of the elevator before he/she goes insane(er) and kills the other two. The other two must worry not only about getting out of the elevator before they starve or asphyxiate due to a rapidly declining amount of oxygen; they must also worry about the psycho they've gotten stuck with.

It starts off kind of slow, but the tension builds when the killer is revealed. There's one thing you should know about me: I am terrified of elevators. So this one had some spooky parts that are probably not spooky at all to most other people. We get a view from above as the elevator plummets to the ground, and we get to watch the shaky wires and are left to wonder when they will give out. I didn't think this would bother me; after all, it's only a movie. I usually do ride elevators, because whoever I am with doesn't want to take the stairs. But I think that's over now. I don't ever want to get on an elevator again. This one got to me a little bit, which I think proves my point about watching things that already scare you: it'll be a thrill ride. Some people might not like this, but I thought it was pretty good. Aside from the fact that it hit my weak point, it had great character development, wonderful acting, and an ending that almost brought tears to my eyes. The only problem I had was that the killer was a bit obvious. I had my suspicions, but I hoped that I would be wrong; that I would be surprised in the end to find out that it was the one I least expected. This is why Blackout gets a three-star rating from me instead of four. Other than the predictability, though, it was entertaining and definitely not a waste of time.


#104 -- Bloodlust! (1961)

Director: Ralph Brooke
Rating: 3/5

An innocent vacation lands a group of friends on an island belonging to an eccentric millionaire recluse. They immediately feel that something is amiss, and their fears are proved correct when the millionaire Belleau's wife, Sandra, and her lover Dean inform them of Belleau's intentions. Dean and Sandra plan to escape, with the help of the four friends--Johnny (played by Robert Reed, AKA Mike Brady), Betty, Jeanne, and Pete. Dean and Sandra fail in their escape attempt, and they end up as trophies in Belleau's twisted little human museum.

Belleau is a hunter. He unleashes people into the jungle surrounding his home; he kills them and preserves them in a hidden trophy room. No one has ever left his island alive, but that is all about to change. Because Johnny, Betty, Jeanne and Pete just aren't going to let him win. With the help of one of Belleau's disgruntled minions, they may just have a chance to make it out alive.

The thing I like about older horror movies is their simplicity. They don't try too hard to scare us, but they somehow still succeed to creep us out at least a little bit. The soundtracks are different and effective, and they don't rely on gore for their shock. I know you must be thinking, "But Jenny, you're a gore whore..." Yes, that's right. But I do appreciate the fact that these movies are smart; they don't have to gross us out or scare the pants off of us; they're happy to just make us feel unsettled or disturbed. And I'm happy with that too. There's a very little amount of gore--an arrow in the gut of one of Belleau's prey, and a man thrown into an acid bath--but it's not enough to throw off those of you who might be a bit squeamish (I watched this one with my mom, and she didn't get sick at all). Bloodlust is a good example of the simplicity of horror movies of old. It's simple, but it's effective. It's an earlier version of the teen screams we know and love today, but it's amazing just how different they've become.


#103 -- Trapped Ashes (2006)

Directors: Sean S. Cunningham, Joe Dante, John Gaeta, Monte Hellman & Ken Russell
Rating: 3/5

A group of people go on a tour through a movie studio in Hollywood. One of the stops is a creepy house where a classic horror was filmed. The house is somewhat of a maze, and the group ends up getting lost and stuck inside of a revolving room. Their tour guide suggests that they, like in the movie the house is famous for, tell their scariest stories in order to get out. One by one, they go around telling horrifying stories - or what was supposed to be horrifying stories, I guess.

The Girl with the Golden Breasts
In this one, a young actress who is being beaten out of parts by prettier girls decides to get a breast enhancement surgery. This if fine and dandy, and I'm sure not at all rare, but there's one little problem. Her doctor uses recycled parts of corpses in his implants. This causes her nipples to grow teeth, and they're quite the bloodthirsty little buggers. There's a group of drag-queen scientists who use this method as an experiment to find the fountain of youth.

A married couple takes a trip to Japan to re-kindle the lost flame in their relationship. However, the husband is too busy working to pay much attention to his wife, and she finds a flame with a young and handsome Japanese man. He hangs himself in the local cemetery, and then begins to haunt her. It's not a bad kind of haunting, though, not for this woman. She has a horrific affair with this dead monk, and eventually is dragged into Hell to join him.

Stanley’s Girlfriend
A man and his best friend have kind of a love triangle with a beautiful and mysterious woman. One of the men disappears, leaving the other to have his way with the girl. The girl is not what she seems, though. She has been living since the late 1800s, and she's a bloodthirsty little vixen.

My Twin, The Worm
A woman has a parasitic worm growing inside of her, alongside her precious daughter. Her daughter somehow becomes attached to the worm, claiming that he is her "twin." The girls mother dies when she's young, and she is sent to live with her father and stepmother. Her stepmother starves her, and she asks her twin, "You aren't just going to let her kill me, are you?" And of course, being the wonderful big brother he is, he takes care of things.

This wasn't mind-blowing, but it was pretty interesting. The killer nipples are hilarious, for one. My Twin, The Worm has some pretty freaky fetal images. Stanley's Girlfriend is pretty dull and, in my opinion, the worst of the bunch. I'm all for vampires and all, but the way the story was told made it a tad bit boring. The main reason I wanted to watch this was because I noticed Sean Cunningham (creator of Friday the 13th) directed one of the shorts. His creation? Jibaku. This one was my favorite of them all. It wasn't mind-blowing either, but it was definitely the best of the bunch. The dead monk looks amazing, and the sex scene between him and the Wife is pretty gruesome. It's an interesting story, though I didn't understand it 100%. I think it would have been better had it had more time to play out. The wraparound story was okay, though extremely predictable. It's full of sex (so don't watch it with the kiddos!), mild gore, and a few confusing moments.

Another thing I liked about this movie was two of its stars. John Saxon (from A Nightmare on Elm Street) stars as Leo in Stanley's Girlfriend. Though he's kind of an ass, he's great as always. Also, Henry Gibson. If you don't know who that is, he is Grandpa O'Reiley from the made-for-TV Disney movie Luck of the Irish. I've always thought he was an adorable old man, and he was amazing here.

Overall, this was just okay. It can be entertaining for a boring night at home alone, but don't expect to be extremely wowed by it.


#102 -- Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Directors: Yoshihiro Nishimura & Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Rating: 5/5

Oh my god, I love Asians! Good grief, they make some good movies. This movie's scare factor? Zero. Its awesome factor? 5 billion. This one is sort of like a romance/action/kung fu/horror/comedy. It appeals to everyone, so there's absolutely no excuse for not seeing it. First off, we've got Monami, a beautiful young vampire girl who transfers to Tokyo High School and falls in love with a boy named Jugon. In Japan, it is a tradition for girls to give chocolate to boys to express their love for them. Monami takes it to the next level and presents Jugon with chocolate filled with her blood, transforming him into a vampire. The only problem is Keiko, Jugon's girlfriend; she doesn't like that idea very much. Keiko and Monami get into a scuffle, causing Keiko to fall from a balcony and crush her face against the pavement below. Fortunately for Keiko, her father is not only the vice principal of their school, but he is also the Japanese Dr. Frankenstein. He puts her back together using several interesting parts.

Frankenstein Girl

There are a few things you should know if you want to fully understand how awesome Frankenstein Girl is. First: there's a group of girls at Tokyo High School that call themselves the Wrist-Cutters Club. There's an annual Wrist-Cutters Rally, in which one girl is named wrist cutting champion. So, Part 1 of Frankenstein Girl: impenetrable arms of wrist cutting champion. There's another group of girls who are obsessed with tanning; so obsessed that they've decided they want to be black. They act like typical black girls and, trust me, it's completely hilarious. One of these girls has a dream of becoming a marathon runner. Part 2 of Frankenstein Girl: legs of an aspiring runner. Part 3 of Frankenstein Girl: Lungs of a Chinese smoker, who can apparently breathe out gas fumes. So, as you can tell, Frankenstein Girl ends up being pretty damn badass.

Vampire Girl is also a badass. She has a cloak which, like a superheroes costume, gives her some special powers. She can leap great lengths, and she has the ability to turn her blood into weapons (like giant bloody swords). So with Monami, it's best to make sure you kill her100%, because wounding her only gives her a  higher advantage.

Vampire Girl and Frankenstein Girl are both in love with the same boy, and we all know that never ends well. A battle of epic proportions ensues, and it is a battle that cannot be missed! But the question is: is Frankenstein Girl badass enough to defeat Vampire Girl, with her magic vampire cloak of awesomeness?

Ah, this movie is so freaking wonderful. It's silly, it's funny, and it is a gore whore's wet dream. Seriously, the gore in this one is UNBELIEVABLE! The fight scenes are amazing, the romance between Monami and Jugon is cute, though kind of creepy at first. I'm honestly at a loss for words. I don't think it would be possible to adequately explain the amount of awesome packed into this movie. I couldn't explain all the weirdness either, because there's a shitload of that too. The only advice I can give realistically is this: WATCH THIS MOVIE NOW!


#101 -- The Legend of Sorrow Creek (2007)

Director: Michael Penning
Rating: 2/5

Okay, I'm going to have to give you a pretty good bit of the story for you to learn how this movie fails on so many levels. There may be some spoilers, but I won't reveal the ending, mostly because I didn't understand it. Here we go. Way back in the olden days, a girl named Isabella apparently went crazy and ended up hanging herself. Her house burned to the ground, and it is now a bit of ruins in the middle of the forest. In the present day, a group of youngsters - Kayla, Jessie, Dean, and Toby - decide to go fishing. Toby gets a fish-hook stuck in his hand, so they have to return to Kayla and Jesse's childhood cabin. They take a route that none of them are familiar with (fuck up #1), and they come across the ruins of Isabella's house. Kayla feels someone scratching her, but there's no one scratching her. Jessie decides to do a rubbing of some old sign that, we later learn, says "where is my soul?" The others don't want to wait for her, so they go on without her, leaving her alone in an unfamiliar part of the woods (fuck up #2). The other three return to the cabin, wait for a little bit, and then decide to go looking for Jessie. They get into the car, only to discover that they have no keys. Meanwhile, there's a giant hillbilly lurking on the property, and they become afraid for their lives. They leave the car and return to the cabin, and Jessie magically reappears.

Jessie has scratches all over her, like she was attacked by a bear. She is delirious, apparently having gone batshit crazy. She hacks Toby up before slitting her own throat. Kayla and Dean then decide that, maybe, they should try to get out of there. But, unfortunately, their car has disappeared - everything except the engine, it seems (wtf?) So they figure they'll just walk - back into town, through woods that are pitch black. Before they can get anywhere, though, a chainsaw falls on Dean's leg and renders him completely immobile (can anyone say "pussy"?) So Kayla runs on by herself, and encounters aforementioned giant hillbilly and some chick with no eyes. They decide to leave her alone, but she still thinks it best to hide - in some kind of small water that is shortly and inexplicably filled with water. Instead of drowning like any normal person, she emerges unscathed into what appears to be a lake (wtf?) I found myself wondering why she was running through the woods when, the whole time, she knew she could teleport. Kayla finds herself in the Isabella's ruins once again, and some weird shit happens. Not weird as in, "Oh that's cool." Weird as in, "What the fuck is happening?"

I didn't understand a bit of it. I was actually enjoying this movie up until about fifteen minutes before it ended. That's when it got stupid and confusing. I think Isabella's ghost was haunting the ruins, though I'm not sure why. I don't know how the hillbilly had anything to do with her, nor the no-eyed chick. I don't know why these four kids were so incredibly dumb, why Jessie went crazy and killed her friend, or just...why? Nothing was explained fully. The story actually started off pretty interesting, and it could have gone places. It had the potential to be at least somewhat good. Instead, it confused the shit out of me. The acting wasn't all that bad, and it did have a few jump-scares, but the complete lack of story development makes this movie a waste of time.


#100 -- Yoga (2009)

Director: Yun Jae-Yeon
Rating: 3/5

When a woman loses her job as a home shopping network host, to a younger and prettier girl, she takes a friend's advice and joins a yoga academy which promises beauty beyond her wildest dreams. This academy is operated by an old, washed up actress who wishes to regain her youth and beauty. There are rules in this academy: no unauthorized eating, no looking into mirrors, and no showers within an hour of their training. If any of these rules are broken, the rule-breaker will suffer horrible consequences.

The girls in the academy are competing to win the secret to perfection. Those who break the rules vanish, and the last one standing will obtain the secret. Our main character Hyo-Jung is the lucky winner, but she soon learns that she will have to give her soul to Kahn Mi-Hi, the washed up actress in order to achieve this perfect beauty. So the question is: would you sell your soul to be beautiful?

Yoga had some creepy moments, though fewer than I would expect from an Asian horror. It was strange and, at some parts, a little confusing; but it was definitely interesting. I think it makes a point about society as a whole, how obsessed the majority of the population is with beauty, and to what lengths people will go to achieve it. It teaches a lesson that beauty is not the most important thing in the world, and that retaining your soul and individuality should be a bigger concern. That is what I got from this one; the horror aspect of it, for me, wasn't all that great. But it is one of those movies that will make you think, and possibly make you re-evaluate your life and priorities.


#99 -- The Ward (2010)

Director: John Carpenter
Rating: 3/5

Directed by John Carpenter, this movie follows a young girl named Kristen after she is admitted into a mental facility. The first thing we see of her, she is setting fire to a house before being arrested and taken to the facility. It does not explain, at first, exactly why she did it or what drove her to insanity. In fact, she doesn't seem insane at all. But, there is much more to her than meets the eye. Inside the facility she meets her fellow "inmates": Iris, Zoey, Sarah, and Emily. These girls all suffer from different levels of insanity and each have their own little quirky personality. Iris is the smart one with a great artistic ability; Zoey is the innocent one who is afraid of the dark and clings to a little stuffed bunny; Sarah is the seductress, always trying to get it on with one of the guards; and Emily is the seriously bat-shit crazy one, who likes to sing and paint cake her mouth with clown-like make-up. These girls seem pretty normal, though, at least by insane asylum standards. We wonder exactly why they're there.

Oh, and there is another girl: Alice. Alice is a ghost, killed by the other girls (before Kristen arrived) because she was "mean to them." Now, she's back for revenge against those who killed her. Kristen must try to help the other girls, while trying to escape the asylum and stay alive. It's not easy, though, when they're locked up and kept under strict surveillance. There are some surprises. This isn't your average ghost story, and the girls at the institution really aren't what they seem. Kristen turns out to be a little crazier than she seemed initially, because she is traumatized from being kidnapped and tortured when she was a child. It plays like a ghost story throughout most of the movie, but once you get the whole story you'll realize it's actually not a ghost story at all.

While this isn't a typical ghost story, it does have the typical ghost story scares. There was one scare that wasn't typical, and I loved it. It was the good 'ol medicine cabinet scare with a twist. You know when someone opens the medicine cabinet, and when they close it, they see someone (or something) standing behind them in the mirror? It was effective, for me, because I was expecting it to be typical, but they turned it around and surprised me. That, I think, was my favorite part of the movie. It's not a big story point, no, but it was effective and different. Overall, it was a pretty good movie with incredible acting and nice spooks.


#98 -- Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (2009)

Director: Declan O'Brien
Rating: 3/5

A couple of cops are transporting a group of prisoners. Since they suspect that a breakout attempt will take place, they decide to take a route they normally wouldn't take - a very secluded route. It's no shock that it turns out to be a very bad idea. A tow-truck runs them off the road, their truck is destroyed, and in a turn of events the prisoners wind up in control of the police officers. I don't understand why someone would create a movie where the majority of the cast is asshole prisoners, because we do not feel for them at all. We WANT them to get butchered. But maybe that is the point exactly; at least we're feeling something for them.

The story seems to focus more on the relationship between the prisoners and the policeman (and a woman they found running through the woods), rather than the inbred hillbillies that are trying to eat them. We're more afraid that the head asshole will shoot everyone than we are of Mr. Backwoods cooking them up in some oppossum stew. It turns out that their group is actually is the biggest problem they have because, even if they escape the clutches of the crazy cannibal, they still will have to deal with the evil Senor Douchebag. But all is - kind of - well in the end. Or at least that's what I'm going to tell you, because I don't want to ruin anything for you.

I liked this pretty much just because of the gore. There were some pretty fucking sweet kills in this one, but the story just didn't impress me much. I would like to see more of the hillbillies, and less of assholes I don't give two shits about. And when a movie falls into a series, it is destined to be compared to earlier entries. This one falls short, unfortunately. What's good about the Wrong Turn series, though, is that they somewhat act as individual movies, so you don't exactly have to watch them all in order to get the jist of what's going on. Overall, I liked it but I didn't love it. The gore was awesome, though.


#97 -- Kill Katie Malone (2010)

Director: Carlos Ramos, Jr.
Rating: 3/5

"Never buy a demon on the internet." You'd think no one needed to be told not to buy a ghost on the internet, right? Well, three college friends Jim, Dixie, and Ginger do just that. It is the ghost of an 18th century Irish slave girl, who was brutally abused and left to freeze to death in a barn. Her name is Katie Malone. All she's ever wanted is a family, and she will kill anyone who gets in the way of that.

This one stars Masiela Lusha (Carmen from the George Lopez show, and I really enjoyed seeing her in something different), and Dean Cain has a small role as the man who sold the ghost to the three friends. When their friends start dying or getting hurt (all of the "accidents" were deemed self inflicted: a teacher cut off her own tongue, and a fellow student cut off her own arm), right after they bought the box containing the spirit of Katie Malone, they figure they might want to get rid of it. But getting rid of an angry ghost really isn't all that easy.

It has its creepy moments, and a pretty good story if you ask me. Of course, mention the word "irish" and I'm sold, so I might be a little biased. But I enjoyed it, and it actually freaked me out a little bit. We couldn't see Katie for most of the movie; she was completely invisible. The only time she could be seen was when she wanted to be seen, and it wasn't a pretty sight. Right after I finished watching the movie, I got into the shower. I was thinking about someone (or something) being in there with me that I couldn't see, and yeah, I was a little freaked. So this one must be pretty good. You should make your own decisions, of course, but I say it's worth a try. It's definitely got a little spook factor, it's got a little bit of comic relief, and all of the production was well done. The ending was ironic, and I found it quite hilarious. There wasn't much gore, but this is the kind of movie that doesn't need it. It relies on atmosphere rather than a splatterfest, and it succeeds. I wasn't disappointed in the lack of gore. This is another one of those movies that is good, but not mind-blowing. So if you're bored and in need of some quick and easy entertainment, try it out.


#96 -- Heartstopper (2006)

Director: Bob Keen
Rating: 3/5

Can you imagine getting struck by lightning while simultaneously being fried in the electric chair? That is exactly what happens to serial killer Jonathan Chambers, but he doesn't let that stop him! Instead, he preys on innocent people in the hospital where he was taken for an autopsy. Our two main characters are suicidal teen, Sarah, and victim of rake abuse, Walter (he fell on a rake while gardening). Chambers is, apparently, a demon from Hell; he claims that the "dark lord" is the mastermind behind his evil ways, and he needs Sarah's body as a new "vessel" so that he can continue on his murder spree. His MO? Ripping out his victims' hearts, which rejuvenates him. After being electrocuted, he is burned horribly and is completely unrecognizable. He rips out a doctor's heart, and as soon as it touches his flesh, he is 100% healed. Well, almost. His current body is becoming weak, as should be expected after the whole electric chair/lighting strike fiasco. He promises Sarah power beyond her wildest dreams, and a way out of the horrible and abusive life that is high school.

There's something about Chambers' tattoos as well - they slither onto Sarah's arms, intent on claiming her body to do the dark lord's bidding. Robert Englund has a short role as the town sheriff, and he is always wonderful. This movie claims that Mr. Englund stars, which I assume is to trick people into watching it. "Hey! It's Robert Englund! Oh, he's dead now..." Ah well, that's how it goes, I guess. But Heartstopper really isn't that bad of a movie. It's got its suspenseful moments, and Jonathan Chambers is quite creepy at times. It's not the greatest, but it's not the worst by far. It also stars that guy from Radio Free Roscoe (anyone remember that show?) as rake-boy, Walter. It's definitely worth it to check it out; you might not be blown away, but you'll be entertained.


#95 -- One-Eyed Monster (2008)

Director: Adam Fields
Rating: 5/5

I went into this movie hoping - and I mean really hoping - that it would be amazing. The title alone is intriguing at the least. But trust me, don't watch this with your kids, 'cause it's not about a cyclops. It is about a team of adult film-makers making some pornography in a cabin out in the woods. One of those of those people is none other than porn god, Ron Jeremy (ew...) Unfortunately, their naughty adventures come to a startling halt when Mr. Jeremy's penis is severed and possessed by an alien. Yes, you read that right. This alien-possessed penis then begins to go on a rampage, killing everyone in sight.

You wouldn't think there would be many ways for a penis to kill people, but there are quite a few - my favorite of which is boring a hole straight through a girl's head. You must be asking yourself: why in the world would aliens want to possess a penis? Well, to reproduce of course!

One-Eyed Monster is a freaking awesome movie. It's as simple as that. It's hilarious, but it's also got some good elements of horror. Of course, it's so silly it completely fails to terrify, but that does not take away from the absolute awesomeness. The only bad thing I could possibly say about it is that there wasn't enough Ron Jeremy. I actually really enjoy him as an actor (not in porno, please and thank you). He's actually a funny guy, and he has been in quite a few of my favorite movies. Unfortunately, the alien's took his manhood far too soon, and all we saw of him was his...well, you know. Watch this movie! You'll thank me for it, I promise.


Monster Spotlight - Clowns

This is going to be a new segment that I can – hopefully – keep going for a little while. I’m going to spotlight certain types of horror movie villains, and single out the greats.

Clowns can be really great if they’re done correctly. Tons of people are scared of clowns, and that’s just regular clowns you see at birthday parties and such. It’s understandable; you can’t help but wonder what’s going on in their mind, underneath the make-up and the smiles. I’ll quote what I said in my “survival 101” page. They may be smiling, but they're not happy. They're smiling because they're imagining what your guts are gonna look like splattered all over the floor. Or they may be picturing you naked. Either way, clowns are bad news. So here are some of my favourite killer clowns!

Pennywise the Dancing Clown
I saw Stephen King’s It as a young child; but I was so young that I didn’t really comprehend what was happening. I saw it again when I was about thirteen, and I was terrified of clowns for a couple of years. Now, of course, I realize that clowns are fucking awesome. But for a while there, Pennywise had me scared shitless. The clown actually isn’t the true form of Pennywise; he’s actually some sort of spider-thing that preys on children. The clown was just a get-up to lure children into his lair, or scare the shit out of unsuspecting children. Either way, Pennywise was a very effective killer clown.

"They all float!"

The Little Green-Haired One
This little guy is from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. He didn’t actually have a name; or if he did, I don’t know what it was. All I know is that, to me, he is a cutie pie. There was one scene in particular that had me rolling in the floor. Greeny was riding his bicycle when he came upon a group of bikers. One of the big bikers asked if he could ride the bike; Greeny shook his head no. So the biker asked if he could honk the horn, and Greeny didn’t have a problem with that. But instead of honking the horn, Biker crushed the bicycle with his bare hands. Greeny began to cry, and then flew up into the sky. The biker thought he’d won the fight. Greeny came back down to the ground, this time with a big pair of boxing gloves. Biker laughed, asking “What are you gonna do, knock my block off?” Greeny punches Biker’s head, and it flies off into a trash can. It was at that moment that I fell in love with this little guy.

Horny the Clown
Drive-Thru is one of those independent movies that is actually really good. Horny the clown was the shit. He was the sexiest killer clown I’d ever seen. He was funny (even though he stole his catch phrases from The Shining), he was fucking vicious as hell, and I love him. Oh, and not only was he a killer clown, he was the re-animated spirit of a nerdy boy. And if you know me, you know I love nerdy boys. So, Horny scores double on the awesome meter.

So yummy...

Insane Clown Posse
Okay, so they’re not from a horror movie, but they’re still horror-related. Their style of music is known as horrorcore, or murder rap, and they focus mainly on horror-related topics (with a little sex and drugs thrown in for good measure). They’re not the colourful clowns we’re used to; instead they’re painted in black and white, making them quite sinister. They’re funny, they’re gross, and they’re pretty gory. Here’s a little peek inside some of my favourite of their songs. Terrible isn’t exactly horror-related, but it focuses on bad things in the real world. It’s about people focusing on stupid shit rather than what really matters. House of Horrors is just what the title implies: a house of horrors. The Amazing Maze is a maze full of horrible things, like rooms filled with mouse traps and thumbtacks, serial killers, and other wonderful things. There’s a lot more to these guys than meets the eye; they’ve actually got some serious messages to relay, they’re about more than just murder. Some people say they’re gimmicky; a lot of people hate their guts; but I say fuck ‘em. I’m a juggalette and I’m proud. So check ‘em out and find out for yourselves.

There are plenty of killer clowns out there. They’re always attempted, but rarely perfected. When done properly, clowns are the shit. So I’ll close with three simple words: Much Clown Love. 


#94 -- Scream 4 (2011)

Director: Wes Craven
Rating: 5/5

Sidney Prescott, now a best-selling author, returns to Woodsboro to promote her new book. It's been a while since she'd had to deal with 'ol Ghostface - about ten years - so she naturally believes that she is safe and all is well. While staying in Woodsboro with her aunt and teenage cousin, Sidney learns that all is, indeed, NOT well.

As usual, murder seems to follow Sidney wherever she goes. People are being murdered once again, only this time there's a twist: the killer(s) is broadcasting the murders online via webcam. So who is after Sidney this time? And why? Well, the answer to that is surprising, to me at least. While one of the two killers is rather obvious, the other is completely unexpected.

We have our usual characters: Sidney, Dewey, and Gail. But there are new faces too, of course. We have Emma Roberts (from the kids' show Unfabulous) as Sidney's cousin Jill, and Hayden Panettiere (from my favorite show, Heroes) as Jill's somewhat bitchy friend. Even though she's a bit bitchy, she is likeable and very educated in horror films. So, her knowledge of the movies she'll be quizzed on later almost saves her life - almost.

Ghostface is more vicious in this one, and because of that, we get lots more gore. We see lots of blood and guts, and it's fantastic. I mean, Ghostface is really fucking shit up in this one. I love it! Scream 4 is very pleasing and a wonderful addition to a series I've always loved.


#93 -- Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2011)

Director: Kevin Munroe
Rating: 4/5

Going into this, I knew that it was based on comic books. So I knew it would either be really bad or pretty freakin' awesome. I haven't read the comic books, though I REALLY want to, but I'm sure they're badass. Dylan Dog is a private investigator for monsters: zombies, vampires, and werewolves. He's investigating the theft of a talisman belonging to a family of werewolves. If whoever has this talisman uses it properly, some bad shit will go down. It will create a horrible monster (even worse than the ones Dylan already knows) that is seemingly unstoppable. I thought this was going to be a horror comedy. While it did have some funny parts, it was just a good movie. Dylan encounters several werewolves (one of which is professional wrestler Kurt Angle), some very smart vampires, wimpy zombies, monster hunters, and one of the biggest, baddest zombies I've ever seen in my life.

While everything in this movie is good, the best part to me was Dylan's best friend Marcus. This guy was hilarious. After being turned into a zombie and losing his arm, the only replacement limb they can find for him is that of an african american. That in itself is pretty funny. But the zombies in this movie are very weak, and they're scared of everything. So, being a zombie wuss, Marcus makes for some very entertaining movie viewing. It definitely gives a different view of the monsters we know and love, and that's new and refreshing. Overall, it was very enjoyable.