#221 -- Masters of Horror: Pick Me Up (2006)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Larry Cohen

I think this is the first movie I saw from Masters of Horror. So, since this was the one that got me into it, it has a special place in my heart. It's not my favorite of the bunch, but it will always be the one that started it all.

It started off like any typical horror movie. There was a group of people on a bus going who knows where. The bus broke down, leaving the group stranded. One girl left, saying that she couldn't wait for help to arrive because she had something way too important to do. Two of the group went with a trucker to the nearest trading post, and the other two stayed with the bus driver. Those two and the bus driver met with a cowboy who killed them all. The cowboy was played by Warren Kole from the new TV show Common Law. He was a nut case, for sure. He was a professional hitchhiker, I guess you could say. He hitched rides with people, then he killed them and stole their vehicles. One girl he took to a hotel, tied her up, and started cutting her skin off. The girl who ran away from the group happened to be in the room next door, and she just thought it was a couple getting rowdy. Next to her was the trucker that picked up the other two. He had already killed them, and he realized that there was someone else out there taking his victims. The girl was strong; she was a fighter, they both knew it. And they both wanted her.

She was trapped between the two of them, and it didn't seem like she'd ever get away. What started off like a typical horror movie turned into a serial killer vs. serial killer type of thing. It was really interesting. In the end, I thought the girl might have a chance, but I was wrong. The message this story has to tell is that everyone is fucking crazy. You're not safe from anyone, no matter how safe you might think you are.

At just under an hour, this entry into MoH is just as good as a lot of full length movies I've seen, and better than a lot of them. That's no surprise, though, because all the Masters of Horror movies are like that. They're not long, but they pack a  hell of a story, and they're all wonderful. Some are not as good as others, but I've yet to see one that I thought was bad.

Warren Kole was amazing, and he gave me that funny feeling that I like. He was one of those guys that I see so often in horror movies; the kind that are so damn crazy that it's sexy. Maybe it's just me, but I'm way attracted to crazy guys (at least, as long as they're nowhere near me). The trucker reminded me of Jack Nicholson, for some reason. One of the girls, Birdie, made me think of Suzanne Somers. So there really was only one familiar face in this one, but there were faces that made me think of other faces.

While I wouldn't call this one the best, it's definitely good. Netflix removed all the MoH movies, after having them available forever. But you can watch this one, and probably a few others, on Youtube. Pick Me up is a solid four stars, because it's different, interesting, and it's very well done. But, if you're a fan of the series, I definitely don't have to tell you that.

#128 -- Masters of Horror: Jenifer (2005)

Director: Dario Argento
Rating: 4/5

May contain spoilers.
In this episode of Masters of Horror, we meet Jenifer, a strange but somehow lovely young lady. We first meet her when a police officer, Frank (that guy from "Wings"; I can never remember his name), saves her from being butchered by a homeless man. Her face is deformed, but she is otherwise quite attractive (what we call a butter-face). She can't speak or communicate in any way and, since the police force believes her to be mentally handicapped, she is sent to a mental facility. But Frank doesn't like it, because he sees her as merely a victim. So he has her released from the facility and takes her home. His wife isn't happy about it, especially after a brutal make-out session with Jenifer, and she leaves him. But Jenifer is quite the little seductress, and Frank absolutely cannot resist her. After being raped by her in his car, they begin a strange little love affair. I guess you could possibly put this in the torture porn category, because it features sex that is so disturbing that it's hot (for me at least, but maybe I'm just a freak). Frank soon realizes that Jenifer isn't just a helpless little victim. She starts off by eating his pet cat, and then escalates to the little girl next door. Having had enough, Frank hires a carny to kill her; but that man ends up stuffed in Frank's refrigerator. Instead of going to his colleagues, the police, he buries the bodies and goes on the run with Jenifer. They end up in a shack out in the woods. He gets a job at a local grocery store, leaving Jenifer alone to eat some more people. Again, Frank's had enough. So he takes her outside, ties her to a tree, and plans to behead her. He's thwarted by a local hunter, who kills Frank and starts the cycle all over again.

Yeah, there are plot holes in this. Or at least, things that make the story a little bit silly. A police officer refusing to go to the police after folks are murdered in his house, for instance. And why doesn't Frank kill her in the seclusion of their little shack, instead of outside where he's sure to be stopped? It seems to be a never-ending cycle, with Jenifer simply finding new men to seduce into keeping her dirty little secret. Some parts of it are silly, yes, but I don't care. It was entertaining, and that's all I'm worried about. So what is Jenifer exactly? I wouldn't call her a zombie, because she seems very much alive to me. I don't think she was just a crazy person either. The most likely explanation to me seems that she's one of those "hillbilly" types. Born of incest and forced to live in solitude, she (and perhaps her unknown family?) was forced to resort to cannibalism. Of course, she could've have been a cannibalistic mutant from outer space. Only the writers know the answer, but one thing's for sure. Don't mess with girls named Jenifer. I haven't yet found an episode of MoH that I absolutely didn't like. There have been episodes that I liked more than others, but overall I'm a huge fan and they never disappoint.

#84 -- Masters of Horror: Valerie on the Stairs (2006)

Director: Mick Garris

Rating: 3 / 5

Valerie on the Stairs was written for MoH by none other than Clive Barker (it was not an actual story, but an idea sent over to MoH). I haven't read very much of his work, but Clive Barker has quickly become one of my favorite authors. Now, if Valerie had been a short story or a book, I'm sure it would have been extraordinary. But as an entry into the Masters of Horror series, in my opinion, it's simply good.

The story centers on Rob, a struggling writer with bills to pay and a book to publish. He finds a house that gives free rooms to unpublished writers, and promptly moves in. As soon as he does, though, strange things start to happen.

It starts as a knocking at Rob's door; when he opens it, there's no one there. Then he starts hearing a woman crying, and he finally sees her on the stairs. She cries out for help, but eventually tells Rob to stay away from her because "he" doesn't want her to see him. She is terribly afraid of whoever "he" is, but seems to return to him every time he calls. Rob goes crazy trying to reveal the mysteries surrounding Valerie. He discovers that Valerie is the creation of three of the writers in the house. Their imaginations have come to life, to live inside the walls. One man, Everett (played by Christopher Lloyd), created The Beast (Tony Todd) that keeps Valerie prisoner. Rob and Everett must travel down to the monster's lair in order to destroy it and rescue Valerie.

This one is the only of the Masters of Horror series that I think would have been better as a full length movie. This isn't to say that it isn't good, or doesn't pack an awful lot of story into a short time. But I think it could have used a little bit more explanation, mostly about Valerie and The Beast, and how she came to be imprisoned by him. It has its good moments, and some pretty vicious kill scenes, and is definitely worth the viewing. It is very strange, in a good way, and I think it definitely found its place in MoH.

To read Clive Barker's "treatment," as he calls it, go here.

#69 -- Masters of Horror: Homecoming (2005)

Director: Joe Dante

Rating: 3 / 5

This movie is not so much horror as it is political satire. A man (I'm not sure what his title is, politically) makes a comment that he wishes the fallen soldiers could come back to tell them what they feel about their sacrifice. The president decides to use that in a speech, and -whattaya know- the fallen soldiers come back from the dead. They believe that the soldiers would say, "Thank you for giving me the opportunity to serve my country," or, "Thanks for getting me killed for no reason, assholes." But they are very wrong. 

Yeah, they're zombies. But they're no ordinary zombies. They don't want to eat people, or eat brains or whatever it is that zombies eat these days. All they want to do is vote. They want their voices to be heard. They cast their votes in a way that (I assume) will get the president out of office and end the war. And that is the only way to kill them for good: to let them vote. But when it is decided at the last minute that their votes will not count, they are not happy, and they come back once again to fight for their rights to party...Oh, I mean vote. 

This one, to me, isn't as great as a lot of the other Masters of Horror movies. It could just be that I'm not a very political person. I don't follow politics, and I really don't care, so this movie didn't really effect me that much. I'm not saying it was bad; it was funny because of its satirical nature. But I'm used to MoH being scary, or at least creepy, and to me this one was neither. The zombies talked and barely killed anything. So, it just didn't do much for me. It was well done, but it just wasn't my cup of tea.

#26 -- Masters of Horror: The Fair Haired Child (2006)

Director: William Malone

Rating: 4 / 5

I cannot say it enough: the creators of these films really are masters. They're not as long as regular movies (usually about an hour) because it's actually a television show, but they have so much story that you don't even notice the length. They pack more storyline and character development into one hour than some movies can in two. This one is wonderfully frightening and, even upon a second viewing, I found myself wanting to cover my eyes. 

Tara is riding her bike home from school through a spooky wooded area. She is hit by a van, dragged into the back of the van, and chloroformed. She awakes in what appears to be a hospital room, but she soon learns that it is all a fraud. She tries to escape, but ends up being thrown into the basement. The stairs have been broken away; there is no escape. After a little exploration, she finds a boy hanging from a noose. She helps him down and learns that he cannot speak. He communicates by writing in the dust on the floor. His name is Johnny. There are several frightening messages written around the room, warning of some "thing", and saying "Get out before it wakes up." And, the final message reads: "Beware the fair haired child." Tara and Johnny open the door the last message is written on, and they find a bathroom: the tub is full of blood.

There are a few flashbacks of the people who abducted Tara. It appears that they had a son who drowned in the lake on their property. They've made some kind of deal with a demon, or satan (it is never made clear) to bring their son back to life. It's not much of a surprise when we find out that Johnny was their son.He convinces Tara of this by showing her an empty urn with his name written on it. He also shows her a book of witchcraft. The deal that his parents made came with a price: twelve. They must sacrifice twelve children - one each year - and Tara is to be the last. At certain intervals, Johnny transforms into The Fair Haired Child, and he kills the children himself. He cannot help what he's doing, and he hates himself for it. He tells Tara that he does not want her blood on his hands, and he asks her to forgive him. We cannot see much, but when Johnny's parents descend into the basement, we find Tara - dead, covered in blood. And there's a note, written in that blood: I forgive you Johnny. Tara knew all along that Johnny was a good person, and that he shouldn't blame himself for what his sick parents were doing. It is sort of implied that Johnny has feelings for her from the very beginning. And that explains completely what Johnny does to help her, in the end.

They complete the ritual, and Johnny is fully revived. His parents are playing a piece of music while Johnny is sitting in the middle of the floor. When his mother asks him what he is doing, he says that he is waiting. He is staring at a drawing that Tara had done. He then reveals to his mother that he's found his talent: bargaining. He's made a deal as well, but his deal only requires two sacrifices. Enter another Fair Haired Child, and Johnny's mother's head is squashed like a bug. 

Tara wakes up with a note that says to meet Johnny in the recital room. She can't remember anything, but Johnny tells her that this is her home and that he'll help her get through her troubles, once she remembers everything. They walk hand in hand down to the lake. 

It is quite a sweet story, and despite the witchcraft/necromancy, doesn't seem all that scary (when reading about it). But when Johnny transforms into The Fair Haired Child, it gets real scary real fast. I'm sure I said this in my last MoH review, but I repeat: if you haven't seen any of them, please do - any of them at all. If you're a horror fan like I am, these are a must-see. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

#14 -- Masters of Horror: Incident On and Off A Mountain Road (2005)

Director: Don Coscarelli

Rating: 5 / 5

The Masters of Horror series is wonderful, and a must-see for any horror fan. They are definitely masters of their craft and, in my opinion, this movie is the best example of that. Ellen crashes her car into another - abandoned - vehicle in the middle of the night. There is no one else around that she can see, but she feels that someone might be hurt and she investigates. There is blood on the road and soon enough, she sees a girl running from the woods. She is bloody and terrified, and she almost escapes. A horrible-looking man emerges from the trees and drags her back into the woods with him. Ellen, being the stupid good person she is, enters the trees in hopes of saving the girl. But she soon becomes a victim herself. 

The killer is a man called Moonface. He collects human bodies for reasons unknown, and he keeps them on posts in his back yard (sort of like Vlad the Impaler). We see flashbacks of Ellen and her husband, Bruce. How they met and fell in love, and how he was a complete survival nut. He taught Ellen everything he knew, including how to survive this situation. She stays away from Moonface long enough, but he eventually captures her. She is locked away in the basement of his house with an old man who sings all day and obviously has no idea what is going on. She eventually escapes with her life, thanks to the survival tips that Bruce taught her. 

But Ellen has a dirty little secret of her own. We see more flashbacks of her and Bruce, and these aren't so pretty. Bruce eventually became so obsessed with teaching Ellen his survival tips that she became aggravated with him. They fight all the time, and it eventually leads to Bruce beating her. Ellen uses what he taught her against him, and we realize just why she was on that abandoned road that night. Bruce becomes an item on Moonface's twisted artwork, thanks to his wonderful wife.

There isn't a dull moment in this one. It keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole time. The filming, direction, acting and effects are all magnificent. And Moonface definitely has the potential to become an icon among the Horror world. I'm waiting to see more of him, though sadly I'm not sure we ever will.