#160 -- Deadheads (2011)

Directors: Brett Pierce & Drew T. Pierce
Rating: 4/5

Finally! I've found another truly remarkable movie. So, On Demand isn't all bad after all. I wasn't really sure how to feel about this one going into it. There are tons of zombie horror-comedies out there, so I figured it would be just like all the rest of those. But it really wasn't, because is was a romantic zombie horror-comedy. Sounds weird, right? Well, I guess it's pretty weird on paper, but it actually really worked. It's about a guy named Mike who wakes up one night to discover that he's a zombie, and he's been dead for three years. Before he bit the bullet, he was planning on proposing to his girlfriend, Ellie, but that didn't work out too well. Right after he wakes up, he runs into another zombie named Brent, who's a little on the strange side. While Mike was murdered, Brent died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. But Brent wants to help Mike find Ellie, so that he can tell her how he feels and finally give her the ring he's been keeping in his pocket for three years. They go on a little zombie road trip, meeting up with a crazy old man who gives them a ride. Oh, Mike and Brent are "smart" zombies. Apparently there was some sort of military experiment (isn't there always?), and a certain few people were injected with a different strain of the virus. While Mike and Brent still have their minds, all the other zombies are the mindless sort we've grown to love. They pick up one of these such zombies, name him Cheese, and keep him as a sort of pet. Cheese is a big dude, and he acts like their body guard. So when the fuzz starts chasing them, trying to take them down, they've got to deal with Cheese, who is much stronger than the average man. They encounter some things that set them back a bit, to the point that they feel they can't go on. They meet a bunch of rednecks in a bar, and they almost don't make it out once everyone realizes they're zombies. They meet a cop out in the woods, but Cheese takes care of him with the quickness. And there's always the government officials on their trail. We eventually learn the true nature of Mike's death, and it ain't a pretty picture. But he overcomes all that, finds his girl and spills his guts to her (fortunately, I don't mean that literally).

I've never seen a movie quite like this. Sure there was My Boyfriend's Back, but that wasn't quite the same. This one was actually very funny. Brent was a crazy character, as was the old man they hitched a ride with. Cheese was cool, and I was sincerely sad to see him go. There are a few other-celebrity look-a-likes in here too. The old dude looks a bit like Adam West; Mike looks like Jared the Subway guy, and Brent reminded me of Beetlejuice, for some reason. So, a zombie romantic horror-comedy. Who would'a thunk it, right? It sounds weird, it is a little weird, but it works. It's a great movie with humor, romance, and zombies. It's a chick flick you can watch with your boyfriend without him getting pissed at you. Everyone wins! Oh, the effects in here were pretty damn good too, and the acting was wonderful. It was well planned, well made, and just...it's awesome. I loved it. So fellow zombie lovers, watch this movie! I'm sure you'll all love it too.


#159 -- Frozen/Sometimes They Come Back For More (1998)

Director: Daniel Zelik Berk
Rating: 2/5

I watched this on Demand, and there it's called Frozen. It says it's based on characters created by Stephen King, from the story "Sometimes They Come Back", so I guess it's a sequel to that movie. I'm not sure, because I haven't read the story or seen the original movie. There are a few movies that I enjoy (The Green Mile, Pet Semetary, It, and Carrie), but all other movies based on Stephen King stories or books are trash in my opinion. I don't know if the movies are actually bad, or if it's a mental thing on my part. Maybe once I see "Based on so and so by Stephen King," my subconscious automatically tells me I'm going to hate it. But since I didn't know anything about this story, I guess it's just bad. The synopsis says that it's about an ancient evil being raised at a government facility. But what it's really about is Satan's children trying to raise him from Hell. It took place in Antarctica, in an illegal military mining operation. Something happened that left almost everyone dead. There were two survivors, and one man was missing. Two military police officers arrived to investigate the situation. One died, along with one of the two survivors, and the other officer was revealed as being one of Satan's children. His brother was the bad guy here. He was killing the others and raising them from the dead, to create some sort of demon army. It sounds pretty interesting on paper, but it bored me to the point that I just didn't want to watch it anymore. I finished it, obviously, and it thankfully got a little better toward the end. When all the demons came out, and we got to see the little altar to Satan, it was okay. But up until then, it was people stuck in a building trying to figure out why everyone was dying, and why their bodies kept disappearing. Nothing really happened

I'm loving the new On Demand feature on my TV, but it doesn't deliver very good movies, I've realized. I keep watching, though, because it's easier than watching Netflix on my Kindle. I might have to take a break from it for a while so I can watch something worth watching. This movie, whatever you want to call it, was boring. So many movies I've been watching lately just fail to entertain me at all. Maybe it's because I work nights. I get home at six thirty in the morning and put a movie on; so maybe my mind just isn't able to be entertained that early in the morning. I'm not sure. But I just hate to think that there are that many bad horror movies out there. I guess I should have already known that. I'm getting the feeling I've already watched all the good ones.


#158 -- Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

Director: Steve Beck
Rating: 5/5

Cyrus Kriticos was an adventuror and ghost hunter. Along with his assistant, Dennis, he tracked down lost spirits and trapped them in containment cubes. On the cubes were containment spells that no spirit could cross. He had these spells written on the walls of his home, where he eventually kept all of the ghosts. His plan was to create the Ocularis Infernum. This was a 15th century device designed to open up the eye of Hell, which could see all and know all. It was found in the Arcanum, a book written by an astrologer named Basileus. It was said that any person who could control the device would be all powerful. Cyrus had the money, he just craved the power. The Ocularis Infernum was a device "created by the devil and controlled by the dead." In order for the device to work, it needed thirteen ghosts--which was why Cyrus and Dennis were trapping spirits in their cubes. Once the machine was set in motion, each spirit would be released one by one. When all were free of their cubes, they would be called to the Eye for it to be opened. When Cyrus died, he left his home and his fortune to his nephew Arthur. Arthur was getting ready to move into the house, along with his two children and their nanny. Things went horribly wrong for them, though, when the ghosts were unleashed. Oh, and the ghosts could only be seen through a set of special goggles.

These are the thirteen ghosts:

1) The First Born Child--A young boy who died in a game of "cowboys" with one of his friends.
2) The Torso--a man who was murdered and chopped to pieces after refusing to pay a gambling debt.
3) The Bound Woman--a girl who was murdered by her boyfriend when she was caught cheating.
4) The Withered Lover--Arthur's wife, who was killed in a house fire. She was the only of the first twelve that was not an evil spirit.
5) The Great Child--a gigantic child born of rape
6) The Dire Mother--The Great Child's mother, a dwarf/carnival worker who was cruelly raped and impregnated.
7) The Torn Prince--a high school baseball player who was killed during a drag race
8) The Angry Princess--a young girl obsessed with beauty who tried to perform plastic surgery on herself.
9) The Pilgrimess--a woman of the 1600s who was accused of witchcraft and then murdered.
10) The Hammer--a blacksmith who refused to be run out of his town, and so was murdered gruesomely with his own tools.
11) The Jackal--a mental patient who could not be contained; he is also the most frightening and most amazing of the 13 ghosts.
12) The Juggernaut--a giant of a man, and a former serial killer who was taken down by the SWAT team.
13) The Broken Heart--a ghost born of a broken heart. It was supposed to have been Arthur (which is why Cyrus tricked him into the house/machine), but it twisted at the end and became someone else.

The entire stories for the ghosts are not revealed in the movie, but all of their full back-stories can be found on Wikipedia, and are all very interesting. The one we should look at, though, is the thirteenth. The first twelve ghosts were mostly vengeful, angry, and vicious. This one, however, had to be created through an act of love. It would have to be a willing human sacrifice. The person would have to jump into the Ocularis Infernum once it was doing its magic, and that would cancel it out and free all the spirits.

Some people might not know that this movie was originally created in 1960. I can't really form that much of an opinion on the original, as I wasn't able to finish watching it. From what I saw of it, though, it was kind of boring. So, as of right now, this is the only case where I enjoyed the remake more than the original. I really love this movie. The ghosts were great, the actors were great, and the whole story was great. I'm not sure what makes it better than the original. All I can figure is that it must be the special effects. Something like this just needs great effects to be...well, effective. Or it could be the fact that one of my favorite actors, Matthew Lillard stars in it. I don't know, but this is definitely one of my favorite movies. I will revisit the original one day and see if my opinion changes, though I don't think it will. I've seen this one at least ten times, and it still hasn't gotten old. I love everything about it, and it will always be one of my favorites.


#157 -- The New Kids (1985)

Director: Sean S. Cunningham
Rating: 2/5

The first thing I noticed about this movie was that it was created by none other than Sean Cunningham. I was sold, and I had to see it. Not only that, but it starred Lori Loughlin, also known as Aunt Becky from Full House. So, even though the synopsis was kind of bland, I was intrigued. Sadly, though, the movie was kind of bland too. I think the point of this was to show a sort of terror that can hit home. It's possible, it's believable, and that's what makes it scary. But it wasn't scary to me. It just reminded me that humans can be really sick and evil. The characters pissed me off more than anything, and the movie disappointed me.

It's about siblings Loren and Abby, whose parents were killed in an accident while they (the parents) were away from home. Loren and Abby go to Florida to live with their uncle Charlie. I've got to say that Charlie's pretty great. He's working on opening up a gas station/amusement park, which the kids have to help him with. They're living in a carnival, and that makes me feel pretty jealous. If you've ever seen her, you know that Lori Loughlin was a very beautiful young lady, so it's no surprise when the boys in her new school take a liking to Abby. She meets one nice boy, but the rest of the boys we meet are complete assholes. They're all attracted to her, and all they want to do is "hit it." They make a bet to see who can get her first, but they don't expect her to turn them down. When she does, they get pretty pissed and start tormenting her and her family. They murder their animals and destroy their property. They eventually go so far as to try to rape Abby and light her on fire. They have guns, and uncle Charlie ends up getting shot (but no worries; he makes it through). The evil rednecks hide throughout the carnival, and they plan to kill Abby and Loren. But what they don't know is that their father was a military man. They know how to handle themselves. So Loren and Abby set to kicking all those bastards' asses. There is blood, and people die. Uncle Charlie eventually uses the tragedy as a gimmick to get customers to the amusement park, and it brings the family a pretty good deal of money.

So, it kind of sounds interesting now that I type it up. But it wasn't, not to me, at least. It can be great if you can take a concept that's very real and turn it into a horror movie. But you run the risk of your movie becoming dull and boring. That was the case here. I wasn't excited. I wasn't worried. I was just ready for it to end. I hate that I have say this, being that all this was created by Sean Cunningham, but it is what it is. I just didn't enjoy this one at all.


#156 -- 28 Days Later (2002)

Director: Danny Boyle
Rating: 4/5

I saw this movie when it first came out, but I was twelve at the time, so I didn't really remember that much about it. I didn't really know that much about zombies at the time either, so even if I did remember it, I don't think I would have been able to appreciate it the way I do now. In this one, the zombie is re-invented, to the point that I don't really feel comfortable calling them zombies. They're so much more than just zombies, and yet so much less at the same time. Before I get any further into this, I have a question for you. What is a zombie? What are the undead? The living dead? They're people who have died and then come back from the dead, yes? So, at one point, they'd have to be dead. The "zombies" in 28 Days Later were never dead. They were infected by a virus that turned them into monsters. So, are they zombies, really? Anyways, we start off in some kind of facility where tests are being conducted on monkeys. Yes, it all started with monkeys. First they gave us aids, then they turned us into flesh-eating monsters. Damn monkeys! It's called the Rage Virus, and it makes the infected go completely insane. 28 days later, a man wakes up in a hospital to find that there's no one else around. He's terribly confused, especially when a crazed priest tries to kill him. He meets with Selena and Mark, and they explain to him about the virus. They all help each other for a while, until Mark becomes infected and is killed by Selena. Jim and Selena eventually meet with Frank and his daughter Hannah. Frank knows of a radio broadcast, and he knows where it is located. He never wanted to go when it was only the two of them, but now he wants to find the soldiers who have been broadcasting to them. They make it to the broadcast station, only for Frank to become infected. He's killed by the soldiers, who take them back to their safe house. All seems very well at first. They're just about 100% safe with the soldiers looking after them. They have shelter, beds, showers, food, and company. The only thing is...the soldiers have ulterior motives. Since they've been living in a house full of men, they're pretty concerned about the future of the human race. Since they've now got two females with them, they're pretty hopeful. But Selena and Hannah aren't too into that idea, and the whole thing turns into a rape fest. Jim tries to stop them, but he's cast away into the woods to die. He makes his way back, determined to save the girls. But to do that, he'll have to kill all the soldiers. And what better way to do that than unleashing the zombies on them? There's a pretty epic battle, a lot of blood and zombie action, and it's pretty wonderful.

What's great about these guys is that they're not like the zombies we're used to. They're motivated by the same hunger, sure, but their methods are different. First of all, these motherfuckers are fast. They're not dumb and mindless either; they know what they're doing and they usually have no problem locating their prey. It seemed to be that they still had a little bit of humanity in them. They weren't compassionate or caring or anything like that, but they didn't seem like walking corpses. To me, what makes them so terrifying is their speed. With other zombies, you can be sure that you can outrun them. If they're in a group, you'd be screwed, but for the most part they're easy to get away from. Here, just one zombie is enough to seriously mess shit up. One is scary, but a whole group of them is downright terrifying. What's also scary is the fact that it's so easy to become infected. Infection can happen through a bite, as usual, but it can also occur through contact with blood. If zombie blood is swallowed, or it gets into a cut or orifice, then that person will become infected. So, our survivors had to be extra careful around the infected. Even the dead infected could pass the virus onto them.

My boyfriend and I actually got into a little argument while we were watching this movie, and I think he was pretty disgusted with me. My issue was when the guys were trying to repopulate with the girls. I had a problem with them going after Hannah, because she was so young, but I saw no issue with Selena. I didn't understand why she wouldn't be all for repopulating. I didn't think that the rape should have been necessary. By boyfriend was angry, because he thought I was condoning rape, which I wasn't. But I believe that, as the last remaining members of the human race, it is their duty to repopulate the earth and rebuild civilization. Am I wrong? Sure, she didn't love those men, and maybe she didn't want to sleep with them. But during the zombie apocalypse, there's not a whole lot of room for love. And, again, it is her duty as a human being. What do you think? Is it necessary to repopulate?

This one was different from most zombie movies, which is awesome. It really showed us a different kind of zombie, and it showed that they can be so much more than what we're used to seeing. It was a nice change, and I enjoyed it quite a lot.


#155 -- Don't Look Up (2009)

Director: Fruit Chan
Rating: 2/5

This is one of those movies that had an interesting story but failed to deliver. There was a legend about a gypsy girl who was murdered because she had a deformity. In the 1920s, a film crew (which included Eli Roth) tried to make a movie about that girl, but every one of the crew members was killed. In the present time, director Marcus has hallucinations and visions dealing with that girl and the old movie. He decides to try to recreate the movie in the same location. So he takes his crew to Romania to an abandoned film studio to shoot a movie about a gypsy girl. There's something about the area above them that doesn't sit right. There's an awful smell that makes people sick, and Marcus notices that the girl in the original film was looking up right before she got freaked out. So I guess that's why they shouldn't look up, though that wasn't really explained completely. Anyways, Marcus crew starts getting killed. One man is attacked by flies. Another man is attacked by flies. One has a big light fixture drop on his head, and a woman mysteriously falls from the balcony. These scenes really were not that great. Marcus' visions really torment him, and he's eventually confronted by the dead gypsy girl. There's also something about his dead wife in there, but...I'm not really sure what was going on in that department. She died, but he didn't realize it, and he'd spent the last few months talking to her and visiting her. There was also something weird about the star of his film, as well as the producer, but again...Not quite sure. There were a couple of really disgusting childbirth scenes, which were pretty much the most memorable thing about the entire movie. Sadly.

I wasn't sure about a lot of things in this one, actually. That's where it fails for me. The story was interesting, but the movie made absolutely no sense. It's like they knew what was going on, and they assumed that we would automatically understand it. There wasn't really any explanation for anything, and it left me very confused. There were a couple of creepy parts, but it wasn't enough to make up for the fact that I had no clue what was going on.


#154 -- The Legend of Bloody Mary (2008)

Director: John Stecenko
Rating: 2/5

Everyone knows the legend: say her name three times, and she'll come out of the mirror to "get you." But the story behind Mary always changes. In this one, Mary was a pregnant woman in the 1600s. No man would claim her unborn child, and the town thought that, therefore, the baby was the devil's spawn. She was placed before a mirror as she was killed, and her soul was trapped inside it. She cursed the town and swore vengeance. The man who fathered her child knew that she would eventually get her revenge, so he killed everyone in the town before she could. Our story follows Ryan, a twenty-something who is plagued with horrible nightmares. His sister disappeared when he was younger, and he was never really able to get over it. With the help of the local priest, he sets out to figure out what really happened to his sister. Turns out, she and her friends had planned a big party to celebrate their high school graduation. They planned on playing a prank on one of their friends, by playing the Bloody Mary Game. They marked themselves (by writing their names on the mirrors with red lipstick) or marked their friends, and they all disappeared. They became trapped inside the mirror with Mary, inside some sort of limbo. All that Ryan and the Father O'Neil had to do was destroy the mirror that Mary had been imprisoned in.

This is an okay story, I guess, but the problem is that the movie is boring. Most of it takes place in flashbacks, to show us what happened with Ryan's sister and her friends. Those parts were pretty good, and that's where we actually got to see Mary. She was pretty creepy, I will admit to that. But I felt like I was ripped off, because I didn't get to see her very often. Everything that happened in the present time was boring and seemed kind of pointless. Sure, they were trying to find the truth, but it just wasn't exciting enough for me. Nothing really happened to Ryan other than bad dreams, and who cares about bad dreams? I don't, unless they involve a certain man in a Christmas sweater. Anyways, it was just boring. If they'd done more with Mary and had her actually haunt, or hunt down, people it could've been a lot better. But as it is, it just wasn't interesting. I can't write very much about this, because there really isn't much to say. I didn't hate it. There was just nothing distinguishing about it. The best thing was Ryan. He was pretty hot. But other than that...meh. Skip it.


#153 -- Pot Zombies (2005)

Director: Justin Powers
Rating: 1.5/5

Imagine this: a couple of guys stumble upon some strange marijuana in the woods. The smoke it, and then they become zombies. They infect the entire town, causing a pot-fueled zombie apocalypse. A group of friends become trapped somewhere, hunted down by stoned zombies, and have to figure out a way to overcome this obstacle. They track down a soldier and learn all the secrets behind the strange drug that was created by the government/military/whatever. The soldier helps them and they eventually are able to get rid of the zombie infestation. Sounds pretty promising, right? Could be a pretty great addition to the Troma film roster? Yeah, well, no; because that's not what happened here.

I freakin' love Troma. I cannot stress that enough. They create the most amazing b-movies, and they are very high up on the horror-comedy food chain, if you ask me. I've said many times that I believe Lloyd Kaufman is a complete genius, and I will stand firm by that belief until the day I die. Thankfully, Uncle Lloyd didn't create this shitfest himself, though he did have a short cameo. This could have been really amazing had the right person got his hands on it, and I think that Mr. Kaufman should do a re-make and let it live up to its full potential. But until then, we're stuck with this crap. It did start off with a couple of guys finding some weird pot in the woods, and I think it actually was created by the military. They did smoke it, and they did become zombies. The pot did infect the entire town, but there was no group of friends who we're able to root for; there was no soldier or anyone of the sort. There was no resolution, no hero coming to save the day and rid the town of their infestation. The problem with this one was that it completely lacked a story of any kind. We saw a bunch of different people getting infected by the tainted marijuana, but we didn't know why. We never found out where it came from (or if we did, I don't remember), why it was there, or if there was a way to get rid of it. There was nothing except a bunch of unrelated people getting infected. They never connected to each other in any way. After they filled up the time with pointless zombie infections, the movie ended. That was it. To make it even worse, the zombies were horrible. They had gray skin and green glowing eyes. Yeah, their eyes glowed. But it wasn't even cool looking, because the glowing thing was animated in. It looked stupid. The whole movie was incredibly stupid. It did have scenes with little cartoon joints dancing around and acting silly. That was the best part. It had me laughing my ass off, though that might have been because it was really late at night and lack of sleep clouded my judgement. I'm not sure. But it's pretty sad when the only slightly redeeming quality was a bunch of dancing joints.

Like I said, I love Troma. And I love bad zombie movies. But this one was too bad even for me. I do like a little bit of story to go along with my zombies, and there was absolutely none here. And I mean zilch, nada, nein. It was completely pointless, and afterwards I found myself wondering why in the hell I wasted my time and tortured myself with this shit. I was truly disappointed because when I saw the Troma logo stamped on this movie, I had high hopes. My hopes were crushed, though, and this movie was not worthy of that logo. Oh, Troma, why have you betrayed me so? Don't watch this movie. If you want to lose some brain cells, just go smoke some pot. Whatever you see in the marijuana haze will be more interesting than this crap.


#152 -- The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)

Director: Wes Craven
Rating: 3/5

I've been meaning to watch this movie for years now. I knew that it was pretty popular, and I saw that a lot of people listed it as their favorite, so I was interested. That was back before I knew anything about voodoo zombies, though, so I'm kind of glad I waited. I've been seeing the cover for years too, and I never once realized that the star was Bill Pullman. He stars as medical researcher Dr. Dennis Allen. We first meet him in Brazil, where he was sent to gather medicinal plants from a shaman. Then he is sent to Haiti. The people he works for received information about a dead man who was seen walking the streets, fully alive. They want to know how they brought him back to life, so that they can use it to save lives. Dennis realizes, though, that retrieving this information will not be as easy as he hoped. Once in Haiti, he teams up with a female doctor and they set about finding the answers. The people of Haiti are frightened, and they want to stop whoever is turning people into zombies. They meet a man named Mozart who makes the poison that causes the zombification. After five hundred dollars and a test run with a goat, he takes Dennis to the cemetery to make some of his own zombie powder. There's a brutal police force on duty in Haiti, and the leader of this force is also the man responsible for the zombies roaming around. He's a vicious man, and he will not let Dennis ruin his plans. He tortures him to try to make him stop, but that doesn't work. Dennis is too determined. He eventually loads him onto a plane at gunpoint and sends him home, but at that point Dennis had already finished his batch of zombie powder. He goes home, shows the powder to his bosses, and all is well. But he's got the feeling that something is wrong over in Haiti. He's still having the hallucinations (or premonitions?) that were caused by a potion the Brazilian Shaman gave him, and his visions are telling him that he has to return to Haiti to help the female doctor that he's grown feelings for. Even though it's probably not the best idea in the world, he returns to Haiti, and an epic battle with the evil bokor commences. But not before he's given a little bit of zombie powder himself.

There are a couple of interesting things going on here. First, it stayed true to the lore of voodoo zombies. People were given the powder, presumed dead, and buried. According to their research, the brain remained active, but the parts that controlled motor skills were destroyed--at least for a little while. Once all of their motor skill returned, they were already underground. When they woke up, if they were lucky enough to be found and dug up, they wouldn't suffer any brain damage. They would still have their memories and such, rather than being the brainless zombies we usually see. Also, the zombies weren't the enemies here, the ones creating them were. The zombies were the victims, and it kind of made you feel sorry for them. That was interesting, but that's the part that disappointed me. I wanted creepy zombies heeding their master's every command. The bokor was able to steal their souls (he kept them in jars), and he used those to control them. But we didn't see that very much, and when we did, he didn't really do much with it. I think the point was the fact that the zombies weren't the enemies. So, it was an interesting story, but all in all, I wasn't extremely impressed by it.

#151 -- After Midnight (1989)

Directors: Jim Wheat & Ken Wheat
Rating: 2/5

A college psychology professor takes a different route in his teaching, and it causes a little bit of trouble for him and a few of his students. What he teaches is the psychology of fear, and he believes that in order to understand fear, one must experience it. On the first day of class, he points a loaded gun to a student's head, causing him to wet himself and storm out of the classroom. His point was that no one fears the boogeyman, because they know he doesn't exist. What people fear is what they see possibility in. If they truly believe it can happen, then they will be afraid of it. Just like in the real world, we don't fear vampires or werewolves; we fear the psychopath down the street waiting to blow our brains out. Why this teacher isn't fired, I'm not sure. The board does make him change his methods up a little bit, though. Instead of teaching his fear in the classroom, he invites those students brave enough to his home for a private sermon. He makes the students tell scary stories that involve things that actually happened. It turns out to be an anthology, with three separate stories. There are no monsters or boogeymen, only real terrifying situations. In the first, a woman throws a surprise birthday party for her husband, taking him to an old house and scaring the shit out of him, only to have him freak out and chop her head off. In the second story, a group of girlfriends get lost one night and end up at an old gas station. They meet a creepy attendant who tries to kill them. They get rid of him, only to be chased into the night by his three giant dogs. In the third story, a woman who works as a telephone operator takes creepy messages for one of the apartment tenants. The caller makes his way into the building to harass both women. The stories they tell are pretty simple, but they're very realistic, which is exactly the point the professor was trying to make. When they're all finished telling their scary stories, they experience one of their own.

One girl in the class, Allison, seems to have some sort of psychic ability, and she knows that something is going to go horribly wrong. She is right because Russ, the fellow who pissed himself in class, is outside waiting with an axe. So humiliated and full of rage, he decides to teach the professor a little bit of fear himself. He breaks into the basement, knocks the professor out, and hangs him upside down from the ceiling. He lights a fire underneath him in an attempt to scare him. But the rafter breaks, the professor frees himself, and he shows them all what real fear is.

This movie was kind of disappointing. I think it could have had the potential to be good. Or maybe not. It was okay, I guess, but I wasn't impressed with it. The three separate stories were actually more interesting than the main one, and for me, there just wasn't enough build up for it to be effective. What the synopsis told me was that a disgruntled ex-student tries to teach a professor a lesson in fear, but it's turned around and the professor teaches him a lesson instead. As soon as I saw Russ piss himself, I pretty much knew what was going to happen. I didn't need to watch the movie to know anything; I only needed to read the synopsis that Netflix gave me. That's not a good thing. I need to be surprised. Add to that the fact that all the actors pretty much sucked, and you've got a movie that's not really good for anything.


#150 -- Dream House (2011)

Director: Jim Sheridan
Rating: 3/5

I used to feel weird if I posted more than once in a day. I think I just felt it was proper blogging etiquette to do a single post each day. But it's my blog, and I can do whatever the hell I want. And I'm trying to see every horror movie ever, and that would take a hell of a long time if I only watched one movie a day. It will take a hell of a long time either way, but why the hell not? Why shouldn't I post as much as possible? So from now on, I'm going to watch movies like hell, and if I want to do two or three reviews in one day, I will. I've got a goal here, and I'd like to speed up the process if I can. This will be my second movie review for today, and I might post another one later. I've had one saved back for a couple weeks now, one that I realized I didn't need for the "A" Challenge. After a year of blogging, I've reviewed less than two hundred movies, and I feel like that's a really small number. So, here's to making that number jump sky high.

Dream House is another one that I found On Demand (I think the OD is my new best friend now). My boyfriend and I were interested in it, because we thought it was going to be a creepy ghost story. It was a ghost story, but it wasn't creepy at all. That's not to say it was bad, it just wasn't what we expected. There's a family of four--Will, wife Libby, and daughters Trish and Dee Dee--moving into the house of their dreams. They're busy fixing it up and being a wonderful happy family, until things start happening that make them nervous. The first happens when their youngest daughter Dee Dee sees a man staring at her through the window. They brush it off, saying that she just saw her reflection and it freaked her out. Then, Will sees a man outside, standing right at that window. He chases him, but loses him before he can reveal his identity. When Will is gone one day, Libby sees the man outside the window. After that, the unknown person takes it a step further. He drives into their yard and tries to run Will down with his car. Will also discovered a group of teenagers in his basement doing some sort of ritual, and one of them tells him about the murders. An entire family was murdered in that house five years before, and Will becomes determined to learn everything he can about it. He goes to the police, but they refuse to help him. He does find out that not everyone in the family died, as the girl had told him. The father, Peter Ward, survived. He was arrested, but he thought to be insane and he was sent to a facility. Will decides to visit Peter in the facility, but when he arrives, he discovers that Peter has been released. After that, he speaks to a man who works in the facility. The man shows him videos of Peter, who truly is crazy. But when Will sees Peter's face, he realizes that it's...him. Apparently, after the death of his family, he went insane. He couldn't deal with their deaths, so he completely refused to believe that he was Peter Ward. He created a new identity: Will Atenton. By the time he was released, he couldn't remember anything. So, Will's family is dead. But the thing is, he can still see them. He can touch them, hold them, kiss them. They're a happy family, except for the fact that he knows they're dead. What's terrible about the whole thing is that he can't remember whether or not he killed them. He doesn't feel like he could, because he loves them more than anything, but he just doesn't know. His neighbor doesn't believe that he killed them either. So Will has to try to figure out who actually killed his family, and try to get over them and move on. The identity of the real killer isn't really all that shocking, but the reasoning behind it is. It turned out to be one of those, "Ain't that a bitch," type of things. In the end, Will ends up in an epic battle with the true attackers, and he is finally able to let go of his family. It's a really sad story, to tell you the truth, and I found myself nearly tearing up at the end. But scary? Not so much.

One problem that I had was the fact that I was a little confused as to whether or not Will's wife and children were actually ghosts. For a while it made it seem like he was just crazy and couldn't get over their deaths. That's completely understandable and believable, of course. There was one point that made me believe they really were haunting the house, but it never made it 100% clear. I went into it expecting a ghost story, but I didn't get one. There were ghosts, sure; and at one point, Libby did help Will evade the killers. But the ghosts were the good guys. I'm not usually one of those, "stick to the formula or die" types of people, but ghosts are supposed to be scary, right? Especially in a horror movie. It was different; strange but kind of interesting. Just not for a horror. That's what made me feel like this was more of a drama than a horror movie. That's happening a lot lately, it seems. That raises an important question: why are so many drama movies pretending to be horror movies? Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the only one who feels that this is more dramatic than scary. Maybe I'm the only stupid person who thought this was a horror movie. Or maybe it's just classified as thriller which, to me, means it's not quite rough enough to be horror, but too rough to be anything else. Or it's just trying to be horror and doesn't quite make it. Maybe I'm just looking too far into it. I don't know, but I'm tired of my horror movies playing out like dramas. I'm not saying Dream House was a bad movie, because it wasn't, but where was the horror that I was expecting? I was hoping it would be at least a little bit creepy, since there were ghosts involved--and ghost children at that! There were no scares, no gore, and no horror whatsoever. But the story was good, and the actors did an amazing job, so I enjoyed it. It was a good movie; but when it's classified as horror, it just falls short.

#149 -- Riding the Bullet (2004)

Director: Mick Garris
Rating: 3/5

First of all, I'd like to say that I was destined not to like this movie. Or at least I thought so. In the end, it turned out that it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. It wasn't wonderful, but it wasn't completely terrible either. The story is absolutely wonderful. I thought so when I read the short story by Stephen King. You see, Stephen King is my idol, my hero. In my opinion, he is the greatest storyteller in the history of storytelling. There are only a few movies based on his work that I really enjoy, and this was not one of them. But I'm a nice person, so I'm not going to bash it, because I realize that it really wasn't all that bad.

Set it 1969, it's about a college art student named Alan who was obsessed with death. And I mean really obsessed; it's all he could ever think about. He was planning a trip to Canada with his friends, to see the legend John Lennon. His plans changed when he received a phone call stating that his mother had a stroke and was staying in the hospital. Rather than have a good time with his friends, he wanted to go check on his mother. The thing was, she was far away and he didn't have a car. So he decided to hitch it. He caught rides with a couple of creepy characters on the way, and he ditched them as soon as he could. One man even offered to take him all the way to the hospital doorstep, but he was too freaked out by the man to accept the offer. He had many hallucinations during his journey, and death seemed to follow him. He saw a car accident that killed a man; he saw a bunny being devoured by a large dog, and then that dog being taken out by a semi truck. He was obsessed with death, and death seemed to be obsessed with him too. To take a break from walking, he went into a cemetery where he saw a grave that unsettled him. The man, George Staub, died on his birthday, and the quote on the grave was the same as one that his mother liked to say. This told him that, without a doubt, his mother was dead, so he decided to take the next ride with no questions. Unfortunately, the next person to pick him up was none other than George Staub himself. George acted sort of like the grim reaper. I don't know if he was an angel, a ghost, a zombie, whatever. He was a collector, I guess. He gave Alan a choice of who he would take with him. He could save his mother by giving his own life, or he could walk away and let his mother die. He tried to run away from Staub, but of course, no one can run from death.

You might be wondering, what's all this got to do with riding a bullet? The Bullet was a theme park ride that Alan was terrified of riding as a child. George Staub made conversation about it during their ride, and he had a button on his jacket from the ride. In this case, The Bullet symbolizes death. We're all afraid of riding the bullet, but we've all got to at some point. So who did Alan choose? Did he sacrifice himself, or did he walk away carrying the greatest of regrets? Who ended up riding the bullet?

Watching these movies is worse for me if I do so right after I read the book/story. Since everything is still fresh in my mind, I find more things wrong with the movie. It's been a while since I read Riding the Bullet, so I don't remember every little detail, and it seems like it's fairly well done. It is a well made movie with good actors (David Arquette played George Staub and, I wouldn't believe it if you told me, but he actually succeeded in being pretty damn creepy) and some good special effects. The biggest problem I had were the hallucination scenes. They just seemed weird and out of place to me. That, and everything happened way too fast. These are just things that are better suited for the written word, written by the King himself. This movie didn't give me the same feeling as the story did; I can remember that much.


#148 -- "B" Challenge: Beneath the Dark (2011)

Director: Chad Feehan
Rating: 3/5

This one kind of confused me at first, so bear with me as I try to figure this out. There will be spoilers, because I just can't seem to find my way around them with confusing movies. It started off with a couple, Paul and Adrienne, on their way to a wedding in Los Angeles. Things got a little steamy in the car, and they almost killed themselves when they ran off the road. Being as tired and horny as they were, they decided to stop for the night. They found a little motel called Roy's and checked in. The man who ran the place, Frank, was a little strange but he seemed nice enough. He just couldn't leave Paul alone, though. He kept asking if he needed anything, and following him like a sick puppy trying to help him out. It got creepy quick. Frank was constantly having flashbacks about his rough relationship with his wife, but we weren't sure were it was going until the very end. The first night Paul, after a little failed sexual encounter with Adrienne, went out to the motel's cafe for some coffee and pie. Frank was there, and he gave Paul a little unwanted advice about how he should make sure he never loses Adrienne. He left, and another man came in who wanted to talk about God. Paul told him he didn't believe in that, and the man became angry. Paul returned to his room to find a message for him carved into the bathroom cabinet. It directed him to a certain passage in the bible in the nightstand. In the book, there was a letter for him. We never got to know what the letter said, but it seriously freaked Paul out. When he went to show Adrienne the message in the bathroom, it was gone, as was the letter in the bible. It turned out that the people in the motel knew a little more about Paul than he was comfortable with. After having a shower together, Paul and Adrienne discovered a VHS in the television depicting something horrible that Paul did when he was in college. It truly was a horrible thing, and Adrienne left him after watching it. There was a scuffle between Paul, Frank, and Frank's wife Sandy out in the parking lot, and Paul suddenly woke up in his room with Adrienne still there. Maybe it was a dream? I'm not really sure about that part. But anyways, she disappeared again, and the man from the diner returned. He explained to Paul that he and Adrienne had actually died in that car crash, and that he was giving him the same opportunity that he'd given Frank. If he could guide the next soul into the "truth" then he would be granted an eternity with Adrienne. However, the next soul arrived (the identity of that soul was the best part of the movie, to me), and Paul really didn't do much with him before the guide-man told him that he could leave. He said that he'd made the right decision. This is the part that confused me, really. What decision did he make? Where was he going? Did he get to have Adrienne back? What happened next told me no, he did not get Adrienne back, but I hope I'm wrong.

So, what were these people? They were angels, or ghosts, or something like that. The man who gave Paul his new "job" called himself the son of god, though I don't think he was supposed to be jesus. So I'm really not sure about all that. I'm not sure why he let Paul leave before he really did anything, either. This movie was kind of interesting. It wasn't scary or even creepy at all, but the characters were very well developed so I was able to get into it. The ending wasn't great, and it just left me confused. It was more of a religious drama than a horror movie, and the whole religious thing usually doesn't do much for me. In the end, it was just okay.


#147 -- "B" Challenge: Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned (2008)

Director: Brian Thomson
Rating: 2.5/5

This movie sounded like it had some potential. The trailer definitely looked interesting, and it has one of those titles that always intrigues me. But I think I've already seen all of the good b-movies, because I can't seem to find anymore. A good low budget cheesy horror movie is just about the best thing in the world, in my opinion. But a bad low budget cheesy horror movie? It's almost painful. This one isn't quite painful, but it just makes me sad to know that I could have loved it but didn't. It was about a man named Chuck, who was getting ready to get married. His best friend and best man, Sammy, planned a wild bachelor party for him out in the Hamptons. Along with them, were three of their friends, Paulie, The Fish, and Gordon. Gordon wasn't really a friend; he was one of those weird guys you just tolerate because they can get you stuff. In this case, it was the bungalow, which belonged to Gordon's uncle. So they brought him along and tolerated him so they could have a good time. Turns out, that wasn't such a good idea. After a little bit of drinking, three women showed up. Strippers, hookers, whatever you want to call them. They danced around for the guys for a while, then drugged Chuck. One of the girls took him to the bedroom and started having her way with him. Meanwhile, Paulie and The Fish are getting lucky as well. Gordon didn't want anything to do with them, and Sammy was just trying to be nice to his friends by giving them the ladies. I had a suspicion that Sammy was gay, but it never really went into that. But anyways, Paulie and The Fish were killed by the ladies and left to rot in their respective bedrooms. I'm not sure what happened to Paulie, because it was pretty quick and didn't really show it. The Fish was attacked by the woman's giant man-eating breasts. Yes, I said it: man-eating breasts. Chuck was eventually attacked too, but he didn't die. He turned into one of them. Oh, I forgot to mention, the girls were vampires, of course.

Sammy didn't want Chuck to ruin his bachelor party, so he wouldn't let him call his fiance, Michelle. She had something very important to tell him, though, so she went for a visit. When she got there, her man was already a vampire. So she and Sammy set out to kill the master vampire, in hopes that it would turn Chuck back into his old self. Unfortunately, they were wrong about the identity of the master vampire. The true master vampire was surprising, but it didn't make sense, so it wasn't a good surprise. It involved a boy who was horribly humiliated in high school, and his hatred toward his tormentor turning him into a vampire. So, the one who humiliated him happened to be the master vampire, even though he wasn't a vampire at all. So, in this world, a vampire doesn't have to bite someone to turn them, though it does still work like that. You can just get so pissed that it kills you and brings you back as a member of the bloodsuckers. Makes perfect sense, right? Okay, spoiler alert. I don't feel wrong giving this away, and if you watch it, I don't think you'll care either. Gordon was the humiliated boy, surprise surprise. Thinking he was actually the master vampire, Sammy went after him. When Gordon explained everything to him, Sammy just thought he was stupid and killed him anyway. When that didn't work, he realized that Gordon had been telling the truth. Sammy would have to kill himself in order to save Chuck and Michelle (who at that point had also been turned). So he took a bunch of morning after pills and washed them down with alcohol. That didn't kill him, though. He woke up, fine and dandy Chuck and Michelle, also fine and dandy, by his side.

So you see, the whole movie just doesn't make sense. It was okay up until that point. It had some funny parts, and it did succeed in keeping me interested. But the ending wasn't very well thought out, I don't think. They were trying to be original, I guess, but they overlooked the fact that it just didn't many any sense at all. That's why I rated it 2.5. Because I actually enjoyed it up until the end, which ruined it for me. Say Gordon was attacked by a vampire when he ran into the woods, after being humiliated by Sammy. That would make him the master vampire, and all would make sense. Or, if you were set on Sammy being the master, just say that he turned Gordon and just...lost his memory somehow. Or maybe he knew everything, he just didn't know about the kill-the-master thing. I don't know, anything would have been better than anger turning someone into a vamp. I mean, come on people! What the hell? So many things have been changed about vampires over the years, but that at least stays the same. A vampire turns someone into a vampire. There's no way around it. Anyways, overall it was a pretty decent movie. The effects were weird and not that great, the acting was so-so, but it was entertaining. The ending, however, ruined everything. One really awesome thing, though, before I go: Lloyd Kaufman had a cameo as a cross-dresser. Best part of the whole movie.


#146 -- "B" Challenge: Boogeyman 2 (2007)

Director: Jeff Betancourt
Rating: 3.5/5

If you've seen the first Boogeyman, you know that it was about a man with an intense fear of that monster in the closet. That fear eventually drove him to madness, and he was placed inside a mental facility that specialized in treating phobias. Eventually, he committed suicide in that facility. In this sequel, we follow siblings Henry and Laura. When they were children, they saw their parents get murdered. They were young, so they weren't quite sure what to think of it. They were both sure that the boogeyman was the culprit. They grew up, and Henry ended up in that same facility. After what I think was three months he was released with a clean bill of health. He planned on moving to San Francisco for a new job, to start over without that fear hanging over his head. Laura, who was thought to be the strong one of the two, was very upset by this. She was constantly having nightmares about the boogeyman. She said that he waited until they were separated, and that she didn't want him to leave her because she couldn't do it on her own. Why she couldn't just move with him, I'm not sure, but she ended up admitting herself into the facility. At first, she was worried that she'd be stuck with a bunch of crazy people, but she learned that they weren't crazy at all and started making friends. Mark (David Gallagher from the TV show Seventh Heaven; interestingly, the man in the first movie was in that show with him) was terrified of the dark. Paul was a germ-o-phobe. Darren was agoraphobic, meaning he was afraid of the outside world, and people in general. Nikki was afraid of getting fat, so she puked her dinner into a bucket every night. And then there was Allison. She said that she was afraid of "losing control," so she cut herself. It was something about most people dealing with their problems internally, but that was impossible for her. She cut herself, making the problem external so that she could deal with it. She also said that she was afraid to stop cutting herself, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but I guess some people are like that. Anyways, when her new friends started dying in ways that she alone knew were not accidents, Laura was sure that the boogeyman had followed her. The psychiatrist, Dr. Ryan (Gabrielle from Xena: Warrior Princess) had a little fear of her own: turning out like her schizophrenic mother. But she was a good lady, and she really wanted to help the kids. The doctor, Dr. Allan (Jigsaw, from the Saw series), had an affinity for helping patients who suffered with what he called "boogey-phobia". He treated Tim (from the first movie), Henry, Laura, and a whole lot of other people. He had sort of unorthodox ways of helping them deal with their fears, though. He locked Henry in a closet and told him he couldn't come out until he would admit that there was no boogyeman in there. He had to face his fear, dead on, before he would be let out. So, as the kids were picked off one by one, it seemed that the doctor might have been taking things one step further. He was intent on making them face their fears.

Each one of them died in a way that somehow involved what they were afraid of. Mark was killed after panicking when the lights were cut off. Darren, who was afraid to get close to people, had his heart cut out. Mrs. Ryan, who was afraid of being schizophrenic like her mother (staring at the wall and mumbling nonsense), was turned into a mumbling fool. She wasn't actually murdered, but she was forced to face her fear. The others all died in similar but different ways: they had to face their fears before they were killed. So, of course it was the doctor, right? He had to cure them somehow? But things are hardly ever what they seem. Turned out, Dr. Allan had a fear of his own that he wasn't quite ready to admit. The movie took a turn, and the killer was somewhat unexpected. The reason behind the killings was a little confusing at first, but once I thought about it, it made some sense. I think it was about facing your fears, and them becoming them. And after that, forcing others to do the same. Or, as the killer said, showing them what they're really scared of.

It's been a while since I saw the first movie, but I believe it was actually about the boogeyman: the monster in the closet. This one, though, is more about the fear of the boogeyman rather than the boogeyman himself. Laura was convinced that the boogyeman was killing her friends. She was terrified. But in the end, there was no boogeyman at all, other than the one that walks among us every day: our fellow man. It tells us that we shouldn't fear the monster in the closet. What we should really be afraid of is each other. We can turn the lights on, and the boogeyman will disappear; but there's no getting rid of the evil that lives right next door.

Boogeyman 2 was actually pretty good. What I didn't like was the lack of an actual boogeyman. I mean, that's false advertisement, isn't it? Don't tell me a movie is about the boogeyman when it's actually about a serial killer. What was supposed to be (or could have been) an eery supernatural horror movie turned into a slasher film. Don't get me wrong, I love me some slashers. But I like some boogey-people too. I did like the mask the killer wore; it was pretty creepy and neat looking. The gore was pretty good, and the cast did a great job. It had some suspenseful moments, though not very many. So, it was a good movie, but I would have liked to have seen a monster somewhere.

#145 -- "B" Challenge: BTK Killer (2005)

Director: Ulli Lommel
Rating: 1.5/5

We just got U-Verse TV, and I happened to stumble upon Fearnet On Demand. My choices for the "B" Challenge were this, or Boogeyman 2. I chose this simply because I have not yet reviewed the first Boogeyman, and now I wish I had just gone ahead and done it. BTK Killer was another shot at delving into the life of real-life serial killer Dennis Rader, aka the BTK Killer. BTK stood for "Bind. Torture. Kill." If done properly, a movie about him could be pretty scary. But I've only seen two, and neither were scary. This one was garbage. In 1974, Wichita, Kansas was rocked by the series of murders committed by Dennis Rader, who was calling himself Bill Thomas Killman. The authorities never could figure out just who he was. He eventually disappeared off the map, and they all thought everything was fine. However, thirty years later, he started up on a killing spree once again. He wrote many letters to the local new station, in hopes of getting a lot of air time. He wanted to end up on national television one day. This movie switches back and forth between 1974 and 2004. Sometimes this kind of thing can work, but here it was annoying. The man who played Dennis in 1974 couldn't act, and everything he did just looked plain stupid. The older Dennis was a little better, I think, but we didn't see him as often. Dennis' letters were directed at the anchorwoman of the local news, Lacy. She was plagued with horrible nightmares of becoming BTK's next victim, but it never really made clear whether or not he was planning on going after her. BTK Killer was also full of scenes from slaughterhouses. I'm not sure, but it seemed like real footage, and it was absolutely sickening. I hate--I mean, absolutely despise--those things, and I really hope it wasn't real. But I became really frustrated with this movie when it wouldn't quit showing me things I really didn't want to see. Dennis was obsessed with slaughterhouses, and used animals to torture his victims. He brought along a little wicker box that he filled with creatures he hoped would terrify the women: rats, snakes, scorpions, worms, bugs, etc. He always made them eat the creatures. Once he even made a woman eat a bunch of what looked like raw ground beef. He had a problem with the slaughter of animals, and seemed angry that it happened, and that people didn't seem to care about animals enough. As an animal lover myself, I can understand him there. But I really didn't seem sincere, but rather just an excuse. That could have been due to the horrible acting, but I can't be sure. The kill scenes were boring with no flair, and that's just unacceptable. There was one okay scene, but that was the opening one. It wasn't great, but it was pretty disgusting. It was the only even slightly disturbing thing the movie had to offer.

Sometimes, I'll find a movie that is so horrible that I absolutely do not want to finish watching it. But I had a goal to see every horror movie ever made, so I continue. Sadly, this was one of those movies. I kept shouting at it to hurry up and end already, and that's not a good sign. Okay, let's look at the flaws.

1)There was hardly any story to it. Okay, that's a lie. But what little story it had was horrible.
2)The acting was horrible.
3)There were no special effects at all.
4) It was boring.

I can deal with bad acting, trust me. Sometimes I actually like it. I can deal with a movie having little or no special effects. I can't really deal with a lack of story, but sometimes I can overlook it if the rest is done well. This movie major flaw was the fact that it was boring as hell. This is about a man who would kidnap, bind, torture, and kill women. Torture. But I don't think this guy tortured them by making them eat rats and bugs. We could watch Fear Factor to see that kind of stuff, and it would be a lot more interesting than this garbage. The other movie I've seen about Dennis Rader was called, simply BTK, and it starred Mr. Kane Hodder. It was not scary. It, like, this one, just wanted to tell the story of his life. But unlike this one, BTK starring Kane Hodder, was actually good. So, skip over this one if you're craving some BTK, and I would recommend going for the other one. My final statement? This movie is a giant pile of shit.

Note: I couldn't find any photos from the movie, so the above picture is of the real Dennis Rader.


#144 -- "B" Challenge: Bread Crumbs (2011)

Director: Mike Nichols
Rating: 2/5

I had pretty high hopes for this. It claims to be a dark twist of the classic Hansel and Gretel story, which it is in a sense. But sadly, it just falls short. It had so much potential, but it didn't live up to it at all. What we have is a group of porn film makers at a cabin in the middle of the woods. They spent their first night there getting drunk and acting stupid, and planned on getting their movie started the next day. They never got very much filming done, though, because they all started dying off. There were two children out in the woods, and it seemed as if they were the culprits. They were, of course. They were siblings Henry and Patti. Patti was the brains behind the operation, and Henry was the muscle. Patti would hum a creepy little tune to inform Henry of the actors/crew members whereabouts, and he would show up and take them out. They all acted pretty stupidly. One, once they figured out that the kids were trying to kill them, they decided to go to the kids' house for help. What kind of logic is that? Anyways, Patti says that they live in a house of candy, and that she saw and understood the terrible things that were happening there. I guess "candy" could symbolize temptation in this situation. But I think it means many different things. It could be any of the seven deadly sins. It could be any number of things. The tagline is "we all live in a house of candy." So I guess we're all sinners, and it's up to these two kids to punish us. I'm not quite sure, because it doesn't get that much into it; it just leaves you to form your own conclusion. One thing that really bothered me was the fact that everyone called Patti and Henry little children. I don't know how old those actors are exactly, but I would guess they're around my age (22). They weren't children at all. I think this movie would have been a whole lot better, and a lot creepier, had they cast actual children. There really is something scary about evil children, but adults pretending to be children? It's just stupid and annoying. I also didn't like the lack of an explanation. All the explanation we got was that they lived in a house of candy. That gives us nothing, really. I would have liked more. It was a dark twist on a fairy tale we all know and love, but it failed on so many levels. First of all, it wasn't scary at all. It wasn't even creepy, really. The tune that Patti would hum to call Henry was a little spooky, but it wasn't enough. I hate to see such great potential go to waste, because I believe this movie could have been completely terrifying. Instead, it was boring and disappointing. The ending was stupid, and there was no real suspense leading up to it. Some parts were funny, but sadly, the best character was the first to die. In conclusion...Bread Crumbs was a huge let-down. What I thought would be a scary fairy tale turned out to be a yawn-fest that failed at being even remotely creepy. The killers were a couple of unintelligent 20-somethings pretending to be little children, and it was just poorly thought out. On the drawing board, this probably looked fantastic. But once it was put on film, it failed to be anything other than a one-time view for people who are bored.


#143 -- "B" Challenge: Beneath the Surface (2007)

Director: Blake Reigle
Rating: 5/5

The synopsis of Beneath the Surface is really vague. It sounds interesting, but you can't really be sure by just reading it. The synopsis tells us that Ethan watched his crush being murdered by her boyfriend. That's it. So I checked out the trailer, hoping it would give me a little bit more. The trailer was pretty vague too. It did give me more, but not very much. The trailer tells us that, somehow, that girl came back from the dead. Mostly what the trailer told me, personally, was that it starred a cute skater boy and featured some kick-ass music. That was enough for me. Anyways, here's the story. Ethan was in love with Kahla, a girl he grew up with. She was in with the popular crowd, she was a cheerleader, and she was dating Shane, a guy they called "Super Douche." He was, indeed, a super douche, because all he wanted from Kahla was...well, I'm sure you can guess. But for whatever reason, Kahla wouldn't give him any. So he decided to take matters into his own hands at a party he was throwing. He was planning on making her, quote, "squirt slut sauce." He gave her a little bit of Ecstasy and took her up to the bedroom. Problem was, the drugs just weren't enough. She wasn't feeling well and, therefore, wasn't feeling up to what he wanted to do. His solution? More Ecstasy! That didn't turn out to well either, though, because Kahla wound up dead. Ethan did walk in after the fact, but he was sure that Shane had killed her. He knew she didn't commit suicide, as Shane's father had everyone believe. Conveniently, a strange archaeologist moved in next-door to Ethan. She was doing research on Haitian Voodoo, and their resurrection rituals. She had the instruments to perform the ritual, and invited Ethan into her house to do some studying of his own. She actually left for a while and gave him the key, which was pretty dumb on her part. Ethan stole her "stuff," and went to get Kahla out of her grave. The "instrument" in question was not Zombie Powder, as you would think, but it was some sort of knife made from a snake's head. Or maybe it really was a snake's head. But all Ethan had to do was puncture Kahla's wrist with the snake's fangs, and wait. The ritual was a success, and Kahla did return from the dead. But she wasn't herself. She was a blank slate. Like the Haitian Voodoo zombies, Kahla became Ethan's slave. She wouldn't move or do anything unless Ethan told her to. You would think he'd do some not-so-nice things to her (or make her do things to him), but he was too nice a guy to do that. Plus he was in love with her. All he wanted was for her to be able to speak out and let everyone know that Shane killed her. The problem was that she couldn't remember a damn thing. Ethan tried several ways of making her remember, one of which was dressing up like Shane and trying to re-enact the incident. Nothing worked. So, he kept her hidden in a little makeshift coffin under his bed, and he tried new things every day. It wasn't until Kahla laid eyes on Shane that anything changed. Ethan contacted the archaeologist, Angelica, and she told him all about the Haitian zombies. They were programmed for one thing only: to seek revenge and kill whoever put them in their tomb. Once they locked eyes on their murderer, they would stop at nothing to kill them. Shane was pretty freaked out when he saw Kahla (kind of) alive, but it got worse when she broke into his house and tried to kill him. The police showed up and stopped her, sadly, but she had some tricks up her sleeve. She pulled her pants down, put the knife in Shane's hand, and laid down on top of him. When the police arrived, Shane was arrested for grave robbing and necrophilia. But was Kahla able to get her revenge?

This one was definitely fresh. Most independent zombie movies rely on cheese or over-the-top gore to try and reel in the viewers. This one, though...I don't think it had any tricks. It was trying to be a good movie, and it succeeded. It was actually very funny in certain parts and had me cracking up. It was also creepy, the way Kahla just kind of stood there doing nothing with that blank look in her eyes. But of course, you've already figured out, it was a love story. I'm a sucker for some love stories too, as long as they're not purely love story. I like them with some comedy, or some horror. This one had all three, so I really loved it. The story really was sweet. Sure, it's not every day someone digs up the corpse of the person they're in love with. It's not every day someone brings their girlfriend back to life. It's kind of strange, and I guess you could call Ethan a weirdo if you want to. But, having been called a weirdo many, many times in my life, I don't think so. He wanted to prove that her death was not a suicide, he found an opportunity to do so, and he took it. At first, I was wrestling with the decision of giving this one a four star rating or a five star. I was kind of hoping that Kahla would eventually respond to him, and a beautiful relationship would arise. But when I started thinking about it, I thought that would have made it cheesy. Then I realized that they did the right thing here. Ethan wasn't looking to make Kahla fall in love with him. He was just trying to help her rest in peace. This showed us, more than anything, how much he loved her. In the end, I gave it a five-star rating. It had everything that I love; except gore, but I can live with that.


#142 -- "B" Challenge: Blood Creek (2009)

Director: Joel Schumacher
Rating: 4/5

I was kind of skeptical about watching this, because I assumed that it was going to really focus on government and Nazi history (which is interesting; I just don't really like political type movies). I was wrong, because all this movie focused on was the dark arts. It started off in the 1930s, when a poverty stricken German family living in Virginia was notified by the Nazis that they would be housing one of their scientists. I wasn't really sure what he was doing there to begin with, but it became clear soon enough. He seemed like a nice enough guy, though looks do deceive. He was looking for an ancient stone that was said to have been found on the family's farm. The father of the family let him know that it was, in fact, out in their barn and still in perfect shape. The scientist, Mr. Wirth, went out to investigate the stone, and he found the man's young daughter crying in the barn because her pet bird had died. He said some sort of incantation, and the bird returned to life. He told the little girl that he could do wonders if he could only gain enough strength. Cut to the present day, and a young paramedic who spent his nights caring for his Alzheimer's ridden father, and worrying about the disappearance of his brother Victor (who disappeared during a camping trip). One night, out of nowhere, Victor returned to see Evan. Instead of rejoicing in their reunion (or returning to see his wife and children), Victor told Evan to grab some guns and follow him. He took Evan back to the place he had been held captive for the last two years, and he was very intent on getting his revenge on the people who tortured him. It didn't take very long for them to realize that it wasn't going to be very easy. The family that had been visited by Mr. Wirth was actually still alive, and still living on their farm. The stone was a powerful occult object that gave Mr. Wirth the power of necromancy. He could kill anything or anyone, and bring them back to life to become his slave: dogs, horses, humans--anything. His goal was to gain a third eye, which was said would grant him power that could not be stopped. It would happen on an eclipse, but he needed blood to complete the ritual--human blood, and lots of it. The family had found a way to contain him for a while, by painting banishing symbols from an ancient Nordic alphabet on all the doors and windows. They kept him in the cellar and fed him so that he wouldn't become angry. That is where Victor had been for the past two years, trapped in a trailer to feed Mr. Wirth. But when Victor and Evan returned, Mr. Wirth escaped. He enslaved the family's huge dogs, as well as their horses and one of their captives. I will say that bloody, undead horse intent on killing is pretty damn terrifying. Victor and Evan soon learned that there was only one way to kill him. He needed human blood, but his own blood would poison him. They gathered bones that held the blood of his ancestors and, using Evan as bait, tricked him into drinking it. That, of course, wasn't exactly enough to stop him. And there were still more like him out there. Liese (the little girl, and Mr. Wirth's first captive) informs the guys that Hitler actually sent out eight people like Mr. Wirth. They thought that, with the help of these stones, and by achieving immortality, there would be no stopping the "master race." So, even if they succeeded in killing Mr. Wirth, there would still be others out there who could possibly continue on their mission. The master race could still overpower and control everything. Holocaust 2.0 could still be a possibility. Something about Nazis in general is terrifying. The whole business of the Holocaust, the true story of it, is scary on its own. But to think that the Nazi party could come up with, and actually execute, something like this is downright horrifying.

This movie was actually quite good. The story was unique and I think has the potential to really scare some people. It takes something we already know and fear a little bit, and it multiplies it by 100. Just imagining it makes me shiver. If the Nazis were getting ready for genocide once again, there are a couple of reasons I can think of that I'd be on their list. The reality of it, though far-fetched, is what makes it scary. If you can toss the fact that you know nothing like this could happen...if you can use your imagination, you can picture a modern day Hitler parading through your town, knocking on your door and taking you away. Add to the equation that it's an undead Hitler who has had years upon years for his anger to grow, and tell me that's not a terrifying thought. Blood Creek really brings up an interesting question. If he had not been stopped, how far would Herr Hitler have gone to be sure the master race reigned superior?


#141 -- "B" Challenge: Big Bad Wolf (2006)

Director: Lance W. Dreesen
Rating: 4/5

The "A" challenge is done, so now I'm moving onto the B's. I shouldn't have any problem finding movies starting with this letter, seeing as horror movies like to have the word "bloody" or something like it in the title. I might be surprised, though; who knows? I watched this movie last night on television. I wasn't expecting too much, since most of the movies I watch on TV really aren't all that great. However, I was pleasantly surprised at how entertaining Big Bad Wolf was. Everything about it was good; it wasn't a mind-blowing spectacular entry into the horror genre, but it was definitely very entertaining. First off, we saw a couple of guys out in the woods. What they were doing, I'm not really sure. I think they were in Africa somewhere on a safari. Maybe. But anyways, the two that we saw were talking to the other--who had gotten separated from them--through a walkie talkie. They heard a terrifying roar and went to investigate. One of them is killed, and the other follows shortly afterwards, but not before he has his legs torn off by the strange creature that killed his friend. The third member of the party, Charlie, returned to find his brother leg-less and dead. He shot the creature, but somehow he knew that wasn't the end of it. Cut to seven years later, and college freshman Derek was getting ready for a trip with a couple of his classmates. He was pledging for a fraternity, and I guess to prove to the popular kids that he was worth it, they were going out to his stepfather's cabin in the woods for a weekend of fun. There were six kids in all at the cabin: Derek; the popular dipshits, Alex, Jason, Melissa, and Cassie; and Derek's long-time friend Sam (don't you dare call her Samantha), a badass biker chick played by Kimberly J. Brown (from Halloweentown, anyone remember that?). So they got to the cabin after driving around in circles for five hours, and they commenced with the partying. Sam was, of course, having a horrible time. She just didn't like the company, but other than that everything was okay. Alex and Cassie were in the bedroom having their fun; Melissa and Jason were outside having their fun; and Derek and Sam were inside chatting. Everything went wrong, though, when Melissa was attacked by some huge beast. Jason ran for it, and almost made it back into the cabin. Almost. His legs were torn off, just like Derek's dad. They shut the door on the beast, only for him to come in through the bedroom window and rape Cassie. It killed her and Alex, but Derek and Sam were able to escape. They went back home, safe and sound. They knew that they were not attacked by any normal animal. Sam's points were these: it walked on two legs, it wore pants, and it could talk. Yep, this werewolf talked to them. And he was funny as hell. He even referenced the Three Little Pigs when trying to break into the cabin. "Little pigs, let me in, or I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll rip your guts out!" He had all sorts of funny little things to say. Derek and Sam soon began to suspect that Derek's asshole of a stepfather, Mitch, was actually the werewolf. With a little snooping, a DNA sample, and his uncle Charlie's telling of the true story of his father's death, they knew the truth. And they had to stop him.

Like I said, this one was definitely entertaining. Even though the werewolf could talk, it stuck to the typical werewolf formula. Full moon, silver bullets, and things like that. Also, it was a wolf-man, instead of 100% wolf, which I always like. Mitch the man was a complete dick, but Mitch the werewolf was funny as shit. Also, I've got to mention Ms. Kimberly J. Brown. I have always been a huge fan of Halloweentown ('cause I'm cool like that), so it was really awesome to see her in this. She was a biker chick, for sure. She had the leather jacket, the nose/lip/tongue piercing, and she was a bad-ass. Everyone was scared of her, and she could definitely take care of herself--and Derek, for that matter. She was just awesome, and I loved it. The story was pretty predictable. I wasn't really surprised at anything other than how much I enjoyed it. The ending was pretty much what you'd expect from a werewolf movie, but that's okay. Even with those couple of things, I still think it was done really well. All of the actors did a wonderful job, there was just enough gore to please me, and the creature effects weren't all that bad either. But what got me was the talking werewolf. I've already mentioned it, but I'll say it again. It wasn't really the fact that he could talk; it was all about what he said. I think that, if he'd been saying serious things about how he was hungry and wanted to eat them, it would have been seriously stupid. But since he was comical and he made us laugh, it worked. That was the only silly part of the movie, though. The rest played out like a horror movie. Kids get killed, survivors try to get revenge on what killed them, while trying to keep from getting themselves killed in the process. It wasn't scary, but it was a good movie. Oh, and also: Mitch would start transforming when he got angry or horny. Yes, horny. He was able to control it on normal days, but on the full moon he just couldn't hold it back. He was a whore, I'll tell you that much. He raped Cassie earlier on in the movie, and he tried to have a go at Sam too. I can't really blame him for that, though, considering the way she collected his DNA sample. Anyways, this is some light entertainment that'll have you giggling. So check it out!