Director: Lee Demarbre
Rating: 2 / 5
Wow...Okay, where to begin. I'm a huge fan of cheesy b-movies, but there are some that are too bad for even me. This would be one of them. It seems that this film has gained somewhat of a following, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. All right, so basically Jesus has returned to slay vampires. These vampires can walk in the daylight because of a new skin graft operation. Where do they get the skin? Lesbians of course! So, lesbians all over the place are disappearing. A couple of priests, including one with a mohawk, decide they need help. So they go to the island where Jesus lives, drinking lemonade that looks an awful lot like beer. The lady vampires also know where Jesus lives, and they've come to kill him. After killing both the priests, they go for him. But little did they know, Jesus is a ninja. [cue the long boring fight sequence] He gets away from them and goes back to town and gets a makeover, complete with haircut, shave, and earrings.
He meets some atheists and decides to try to convert them. [cue another long boring fight sequence] He teams up with a foxy lady named Mary Magnum (Mary apparently wants some of that sweet ass; she even implies that Jesus has a big 'un), and they fight the vamps for a while until Mary is killed by Maxine Schreck (the head vampire lady). Jesus then speaks to his father, who comes to him via a bowl of ice cream. God sends a luchador, Santos, to team up with Jesus. They fight the lesbian vampires, and blah blah blah.
This movie mainly consists of incredibly long and slow fight sequences. And the fighting isn't even done well enough to say that it's "action-packed." It's just slow, and boring. I think the idea of Jesus fighting vampires is great, and it could have possibly been a great movie. I don't know what turns me off of it, but...It just didn't do it for me. I found myself checking the time every few minutes just to see if it was almost over. Now, that doesn't happen very often for me, but...here we are. It could have been the bad sound quality, because I couldn't hear or understand half the things they were saying.
It wasn't completely awful, I don't guess. There were some funny parts, but not enough for me. There's not enough horror for it to be a horror movie, and not enough funny for it to be a comedy. I think they were going for horredy, but that didn't quite work either. I didn't hate it. It was more of one of those "I really don't give a shit" moments. So, meh. Whatever.