#40 -- The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror (2007)

Director: Jaymes Thompson
Rating: 4 / 5

Yes, you read that right. And yes the tagline reads "Some things should stay in the closet." In my last review, I questioned whether or not there were any more good b-movies left. And lookie what we have here. I found one! During the opening credits, when the theme song "Watch Out for the Straights" played, I just knew this movie was going to be awesome. Now, it's definitely an acquired taste, and you must have an open mind while watching this. If you don't like gay people, naturally you should stay away. 

Five gay couples and a (excuse me for my lack of political correctness) fag hag end up staying at a bed and breakfast. They've failed to book hotel rooms, so this is their last resort. This is a gay-friendly place (it even has a rainbow flag hanging above the door). But shortly after arriving, they realize that this "quaint" little place really ain't so quaint. I think when the owner offered me some mincemeat muffins (just...gross), I would have left right then. 

Among all the gay folk, we have a porn star called Mr. Leather and a drag queen who calls him/herself Carrie Duway (haha, get it?). What they don't realize (though it was kind of hard to miss with the mincemeat muffins, complete with earrings, and all) is that the owner of the little B & B is a crazy bitch. The place is actually not gay-friendly at all. In fact, Helen (the owner) HATES gay people. It's against god's law! Scattered around the inn, you can see bibles with "Gays must DIE!" written inside, as well as a shrine to George W. Bush. It just so happens that Helen's daughter, Luelle, likes pretty girls. She's not supposed to like them, but she does; she just can't help herself. And Mama doesn't like it when Luelle has girlfriends. So when Luelle starts looking at the girls the wrong way, Mama kills them. Her plan is to convert one of the men into heterosexuality in order to marry her daughter, to create a union to offer to god as payment for her evil lesbian ways. 

But Luelle's brother has different plans. Manfred is a very strange half man/half...fish? I'm not sure, but it was FUCKED up. Anyways, Luelle took care of Manfred for a good while, and he doesn't want her to go away. So he kills all the men, because he doesn't want her to have a boyfriend. So, to recap: Mama won't let her have girlfriends, and brother won't let her have boyfriends. What's a girl got to do to get some love? Oh, and Manfred happens to be the bastard child of 100 crazy republicans, and was conceived in a bathroom orgy

Really, the title was all I needed to know that I HAD to see this movie. I didn't really expect much, with my recent experiences having not been so good, but I was so surprised. This movie was absolutely hilarious. One particular scene that had me rolling on the floor was after one of the men cheated on his boyfriend. Boyfriend decides to beat the shit out of the lover. But when Lover rips Boyfriends sweater, Boyfriend starts crying. "You ripped my sweater!" And after a while, he keeps crying: "You fucked my boyfriend! Why didn't you want me?" And commences to making with the boom boom. 

In the end, though, all is well. Two of the homos end up repenting, and they realize that the crazy folks were right - they had to accept god. They go a little bit batshit crazy,and I believe it was the perfect ending to a surprisingly hilarious movie. 

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