#22 -- Thankskilling (2009)

Director: Jordan Downey
Rating: 2 / 5

I had such high hopes for this one. I think I've made it obvious in previous posts that I'm a sucker for bad horror movies. I always say, "The stupider, the better." But not in this case. Sadly, my hopes were crushed. The movie was actually made quite well. The filming and effects were pretty good for a low budget film. The acting wasn't great (except that of the turkey, who completely stole the show), but it never really is in these types of movies. I didn't expect much, but I did expect for it to entertain me at least.

It starts off in the year 1326, or something like that. We see a pilgrim woman with her boobs flopping around. She's running, scared for her life. She trips over a rock, and Turkey is waiting for her. "Nice tits, bitch!" he says, and then tomahawks her to death. 

Fastforward to the present, and a group of college kids are going home for Thanksgiving break. We have the jock (Johnny), the redneck (Billy, of course), the nerd (Darren), the sweet girl (Kristin), and the dumb whore (Ally). On the way home, their car overheats and they decide to camp out in the woods for the night. Darren tells the others the story about the killer turkey. A long, long time ago there was a Native American whose people had been dishonored by the white man. He then put a terrible curse on them for revenge, and "necromanced" a turkey who would return every five hundred and five years to kill. 

The turkey's first victim is a beautiful Collie dog. The dog finds some kind of tiki relic and pisses on it. This makes the turkey angry. He emerges from the ground - "I'm pissed! - and kills the dog. The dog belongs to a forest-dwelling hillbilly, and that hillbilly is now seeking revenge.

They return to Kristin's house to search for a book that might explain how to kill the turkey. The turkey was already there and has killed her father. But the turkey answers the door, wearing daddy's face as a mask. And, I'm not kidding - she actually believes it's her father. And the viewer is left wondering if these kids could possibly be any dumber. The turkey even says, "You kids are retarded." Anyways, they find the book. It is written in some kind of mathematical code, but luckily they have the token nerd with them to decipher it. He learns that they must burn the turkey at the stake, and recite some kind of demonic prayer - backwards, of course. They find the turkey's teepee (yes, teepee) and recite the prayer. This is supposed to have relieved him of his invincibility. They are ready to burn him, and he runs away. But who is waiting outside the teepee? Well, none other than Hermit, the forest-dwelling hillbilly. He shoots the turkey with his shotgun and blows him into a garbage can. 

They assume this is the end of things. But we all know what assuming does...It turns out that the garbage can was filled with radioactive chemicals. And we all know that radioactive chemicals in horror movies usually spell disaster. 

The kills were decent, and the gore - again - good for this kind of movie. Ally is raped by the turkey (as we all know, turkeys will screw anything). Johnny's parents are sliced and diced. Billy gets hungry and eats a holographic turkey - he then starts feeling sick, and our killer Turkey emerges from his stomach screeching, "Gobble gobble, motherfucker!" Darren who, all this time, just wanted to get laid, ends up frenching the turkey. It probably wasn't what he had in mind for a good time but, hey! Beggars can't be choosers. His heart is then pecked out of his chest. Johnny is eventually killed by an electric carver. 

Kristin finally gets the message. The book said to burn the turkey, not shoot him. They should have seen this to begin with, but...ah well, they're retarded. So she lights him on fire using a lighter and a can of spray paint. She then punts him in the head, saying "Peck on someone your own size," and he lands in a bundle of sticks. She stands before the flames eating what I assume was meant to be a turkey leg. 

It really wasn't all that bad. It was well done, and it did actually have some funny parts. But not enough, in my humble opinion. I was sadly disappointed. I had wanted to see this for quite some time, and it just didn't live up to what I had envisioned. I guess it just didn't do it for me. But, who knows? You might like it. It seems that Thankskilling has somewhat of a fan base, so it can't be all that bad, right? Just give it a try and see what you think.

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