#33 -- The Telling (2009)

 Director: Nicholas Carpenter
Rating: 3 / 5

"The only real horror is that there is no horror left."

Playmates Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt star in The Telling, which I believe to be a large contributing factor of why people watch this movie. Not that it's bad, but I mean...Come on. They're hot. We start of with your typical college party: kids at a pool, getting wasted and fooling around. A dumpy, plain girl, Brianna, is strolling through and is insulted by the Head Bitch (Madison). She runs away crying, into the pool house. A couple follow soon after, looking to make with the boom boom, and they find the girl - dead. She is sitting underneath a mirror which reads "You made me do this." In her hands is a bottle of alcohol, and a bottle of pills. It's sad, I suppose, but I really can feel no sympathy for this girl. I know it sucks getting bullied, especially by people that you look up to and aspire to be like. But committing suicide because they don't want you in their sorority? That's a bit extreme and a lot dumb as shit. So excuse me when I don't feel sorry for her. Anyhow, following the discovery of the girl, we have the typical boo-hooing mother. 

Cut to one year later, and the sorority is looking for new pledges. There are three girls up for the job, if you want to call it that. With the tragedy from the past year, the school has demanded that the sorority stop being such shallow bitches and actually look into what type of people they are, rather than how big their tits are. So, Head Bitch decides to have a little story-telling session. She likes horror, and whoever can tell the scariest story wins. 

Story # 1

Lily is living with her boyfriend, Tommy. Tommy's ex-girlfriend, Sarah, returns to the states from England, and he lets her stay with them until she can get on her feet. They find a doll that is pretty creepy. It's obvious it's been in the trash for a while: matted hair, eyeball rolling around in the socket, dirty dress...blah blah blah. The doll talks in a weird, almost robotic voice, and says things like "I love you," and "We can be beeessst friends." The typical doll things to say. But after a while, the doll develops a larger vocabulary. Turns out, when she says "I love you" to Tommy, she actually means it. And Sarah isn't the one that Lily needs to be worrying about. When the doll first tells Lily, "I think I'll have him all to myself," she believes that Sarah has put a radio in the doll, to mess with her. The doll keeps saying things like this, and Lily goes a bit nutzo. She's so out-there, though, that it turns something that could be quite frightening into something utterly hilarious. While she's in the bath, she hears a strange noise downstairs. She goes to investigate and - surprise surprise - Sarah is dead in the kitchen. Lily finds little bitty doll-prints in Sarah's blood, and she follows them to the television set. She grabs the doll angrily, and she is electrocuted. Hearing the screams, Tommy rushes downstairs to find the two girls. The doll then says, "I hope they allow conjugal visits where you're going." Ha-ha. Ha-ha. So, really, this one ends up being more funny than anything. It's not a bad thing, but I'm not quite sure that's what they were going for. The pledge who is telling the story informs us that Tommy was, indeed, put away for life.

Story # 2

Eva DeMarco (played by Marquardt) is a washed-up actress who is desperate for work. She tells her agent that she will take any - ANY - role, as long as she gets that cheddar. He finds her a job in - I assume - Romania. When she gets to a creepy castle (what else?), she meets the handsome and charming director, Victor. He fills her full of absinthe, and she has a horrible nightmare involving creepy people in masks. She awakes to a letter telling her to meet them for a cast and crew dinner before filming. She gets there, and all the people at the table are wearing masks: the same ones she saw in her dream. However, she doesn't seem alarmed by this. Maybe she doesn't remember? I don't know. But when they all keep staring at her, she gets nervous quickly. Victor plays a video for her, explaining that the first thing people did with the invention of motion pictures was to film horrific things: executions, wars, etc. He claims that the man who recorded this film is a man of artistic genius. IS, not was. He is sitting at the table, and he removes his mask to show a grisly face. Or, what I assume was supposed to be grisly. Through a sort of montage, all of the cast remove their masks. They are a film crew of the undead. They explain that they have lived for so long, they have seen everything, and that regular horror films just don't cut it anymore. I think she said "Nosferatu don't cut it," or something along those lines. So, they make their own horror movies, and their demographic? Well, the undead of course! They get bored sometimes too. So, they drug Eva and tie her to a table. Unfortunately, we don't get to see any of the gore I'm sure came afterwards. We cut to Eva sitting at the table with Victor and saying, "I'm ready for my close-up."

Story # 3

This one is my favorite of the three stories. It is simple and slasher-esque, and that is what I love about horror movies. We've got three friends: Jenna, Anna, and Meredith. Jenna is a bitch - just a flat out bitch. They're planning to go out to the movies. There's a repairman at their house, because something is wrong with the television and Jenna MUST record her show or she will kill someone. She decides to leave the repairman alone in their house so that they're not late to the movie. They return shortly afterwards - the movie is sold out. Jenna's PISSED. She is going to kill someone. Did I mention she's a bitch? For some fun, they decide to make prank phone calls. Jenna calls a lady, pretends to be a police officer, and tells the woman that her husband is dead (bit - I think you can tell by now...). Meredith calls a man and tells him that his house has been chosen to receive some free pizza. In the middle of their conversation, there is a knock at the man's door, and he goes to answer it. There is a struggle, and the man is obviously murdered. The girls call the police to tell them about the incident. Before they do, they get a phone call saying that if they do call the police, or tell anyone, they will be next. They call the police anyways. One cop shows up (they find this suspicious because he doesn't have a partner) and surveys the house. They soon become very suspicious, and the logic behind their suspicions escapes me. He's sweaty, so he can't actually be a cop. I'm stumped. But, anyways. Jenna dies first, but not before she stabs the killer in the hand. Ana is next: strangled. Meredith is obviously hysterical. The repairman shows up again and the policeman handcuffs him to a chair, believing him to be the murderer. But Meredith knows the truth...She stabs and shoots the policeman, only to return to find Repairman dead. The killer shows up saying, "Look at the mess you made," and it's over.

We return to the sorority house, and they have chosen their new members: two girls who look just like them. They will not allow the "normal" girls into their sorority, of course. Suddenly, they start feeling ill. They believe it to be caused by bad wine, but one of the pledges assures them that it's probably the poison. The girl has poisoned some cookies, in order to avenge her sister, Brianna. Even though Brianna committed suicide for a really dumbshit reason, this girl blames the sorority bitches. She has set it up to look like a group suicide. She's written suicide notes via text messages and even e-mailed the girls' families. She exits the sorority house and lets Boo-hooing Mother know that their job is done.

This movie wasn't wonderfully made, but I enjoyed it. I'm not really sure why...Maybe it was all the hot women. So that is my advice to you. If you're interested in seeing some smokin' babes, then check it out. Otherwise, meh - take or leave it.

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