MMM Day 7: #340 -- Frankenthumb (2002)

Director: David Bourla
Rating: 4 / 5

As May Monster Madness draws to a close, I will leave you on a very light note. Today's movie was written by Steve Oedekerk, the same guy who brought us Kung Pow. I think it's pretty easy to tell that this movie is not one to be taken seriously. It's silly, and it's funny as hell. It's actually one of several in the Thumbs! series, which includes Bat Thumb, The Blair Thumb, Thumbtanic, Thumb Wars, and The GodThumb. The characters are all -- you guessed it -- thumbs!

So, we're all familiar with the story of Frankenstein, and this one's pretty much the same. A monster is created, it is cast out, it runs amok, and it's led to a lighthouse and torched. It's amazing how they can tell pretty much the exact same story in such a weird way. These characters aren't nearly as tragic as those in Frankenstein, nor are they quite as sophisticated. In fact, they're all just downright dumb. But dumb in such a fantastic way.

Pepper & Humpy

Dr. Frankenthumb's assistant is not named Fritz, or Igor, as we've grown accustomed to. He is a hunchbacked thing named Humpy. Yes, Humpy. And the Monster actually has a name here! His name is Pepper, because he spiced up Dr. Frankenthumb's life. He's pretty mean to begin with, and he definitely doesn't like Pepper at all. Or small animals. But once his daddy casts him out, he starts to feel bad and becomes a very comical version of the creature that I love. Sad and lonely. I think my favorite part in the movie is when one of the angry mob finds a lighter, and he gets the shit beat out of him for it. An angry mob just wouldn't be the same without the torches, I guess. Either that, or the extremely weird ending, in which Bat Thumb himself makes an appearance.

The way that the characters speak, and their facial expressions are absolutely hilarious. They're over-the-top and stupid as hell, but it works. There are plenty of things going on here that don't make a lot of sense -- like the random cyclops that appears in the mob -- but it's all the more fantastic because of them. It, like Kung Pow, thrives on the things that don't make sense. Because they're nonsensical in a way that makes them hilarious. Again, not a movie to be taken seriously, and I would hope that no one would. If so, there's something seriously wrong. The story of Frankenstein is one that I have always loved, and I have no problem with poking fun at it. It's a light-hearted good time; you'll laugh and you might lose a few brain cells, but hey! We don't need all of those anyway, right?

Note: If you find the link in The Trailer Park for this one, it's actually a link to the full movie, if you're interested.

Well, the madness is over, guys. I had fun, and I hope you guys did too.

#334 -- Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust (2008)

Director: Silvia st. Croix
Rating: 3.5 / 5

When I saw the first of this trilogy, I loved it. It was delightfully cheesy, with just enough horror to make it amazing. Even though I've still yet to see the third one, I think I can safely say that I'm a fan of the trilogy. This one wasn't quite as good as the first, but it was still really enjoyable.

At the end of part one, we left off with the rest of the gingerbread men being sold at some sort of bake sale. I guess they thought that only that one particular cookie had been possessed; otherwise, why in the hell would they have sold them? Anyways, when this one starts out, one of those cookies is being delivered to a movie studio, along with a box of other goodies. This time, Gingerdead Man isn't killing for revenge, though. Sadly, he didn't come back for Sarah. This time, he's trying to move his soul into an actual human body, and he plans this from something that he read in a Satanic spell book. It, of course, calls for some human sacrifices, so he sets about killing everyone at this movie studio.

Cheatum Studios is own by a guy named Kelvin. He inherited the place from his father, and is apparently running it into the ground. They've got no money, they're running several products that they can hardly afford, and everyone on set hates each other and they're always getting into fights. Plus, their biggest celebrity is a little whiny brat, because he think he's better than the part he's supposed to play, and he spends most of his time in his trailer refusing to come out. They've got plenty of problems. When this killer cookie shows up, though, those problems don't seem like such a big deal. I think what I like most about this movie is the movies that Cheatum was making. There was one called Space Spankers, or something like that; there was some sort of parasite in some girl, and the only way to get it out was to vigorously spank her. There was something about a Hamburger Detective, and then the best one...Tiny Terrors. This one was about some little demonic puppet creatures, and they were fantastic. One looked like the love child of Papa Smurf and the Abominable Snowman. One was an evil robot; one was a big-boobed pirate lady, and one called Shit-For-Brains that was a baby doll with shit on top of its head. Then, there was one called The Haunted Dildo. It was literally a dick with a face, in a tuxedo. I seriously want them to make a movie just about these little guys. Hell, they could make a movie just about The Haunted Dildo, and I would be all over it.

Anyways, there were some other things going for the movie. I really liked Kelvin, I think mostly because of this guy's acting. It was horrible, but I could tell that it was purposely horrible, which I love. There was also a guy named Tommy, who was a part of a Make A Wish foundation, and his dying wish was to see the studio. He was wonderful, and I thought the actor that portrayed him was phenomenal. There weren't really that many gore effects to speak of, even though there were a lot more kills here than in the first one. The most memorable kill was when Gingerdead Man fucked a gay guy in the ass with a curling iron. Good stuff.

Even though there were some great things going on here, I don't think it was quite as good as the first one. There were more kills, true, but it was missing that special something that the first one had. There weren't as many cookie-puns; or, if there were, they were forgettable. There was no Gary Busey, which I think had something to do with it, since we got used to the idea of him being the Gingerdead Man. That's really the only problem I had with it: that it wasn't quite as funny as the first. But despite that, I still found it highly entertaining, and I'm looking forward to seeing part three.

#319 -- A Little Bit Zombie (2012)

Director: Casey Walker
Rating: 3.5 / 5

When I found this movie on Netflix, what I expected was a fun and quirky ride. Zombies are a fairly easy subject to turn into comedy, and I've seen several very good zombie-comedies. I expected no differently from this one.

What got me was when Netflix told me about the main character trying to fight becoming a zombie. I expected some funny shit to go down while this guy was resisting the virus. The movie started off with a couple of zombie hunters being all bad-ass like they're supposed to be. The woman had some kind of orb that could alert them to the zombies' locations. While they were fighting zombies, a mosquito wandered in and sucked one of the zombies' blood. In an awesome transition scene, it ended up following a group of kids to a cabin out in the woods. They were Steve and his fiance Tina; Steve's sister Sarah and her husband Craig. While trying to break up a fight between Sarah and Tina, Steve got bitten -- several times -- by the zombie mosquito. This is how he became a member of the undead. Meanwhile, the zombie hunters' orb started acting funny. The woman was certain that this meant there was a hybrid somewhere -- someone who was resisting the infection -- and that finding them could mean finding a cure. So they set out on a search for Steve.

Steve definitely had a time of figuring out what was happening to him. At first, he just thought he was sick. Sarah was sure that it was his body's way of telling him he shouldn't marry Tina. But every time anyone said the word "brains," he dropped about a gallon of drool into his lap; when the zombie hunters showed up, he hid and considered the fact that, maybe, he was a zombie somehow. They ended up going to a redneck meat market, where all sorts of animal brains were available for sale. They bought 'em all. Steve felt better for a while, but a book from the zombie hunters gave them said that his system would always reject animal brains. He needed a human. So the girls dressed up like hookers, went to the local bar, and picked up the biggest guy they could find. Steve wasn't a very good zombie, though, because he just couldn't bring himself to kill.

There are definitely some funny bits here. Eating rattlesnake and skunk brains is one thing. Steve having his ear stapled back to his head is another. But my favorite was when he said he didn't think he could eat a woman. This gave Craig an arsenal of jokes about Steve being a gay zombie. Great stuff.

I can't find a whole lot wrong with this movie. The actors were great. Some might say they were over the top, and I would agree, but I believe that their performances were purposely hyped up. The effects were great, especially the transition scenes with the mosquito in the beginning. The soundtrack was wonderful, and I'd love to get my hands on it. The zombie hunters and their orb gave the whole thing a kind of mystical feel, and there were definitely some laugh out loud moments. It's a great movie for some light entertainment, but at the end of the day, I just felt like it wasn't as good as it could have been. It wasn't the best of its kind that I've seen, but it's definitely an entertaining show.

#301 -- My Stepdad's A Freakin' Vampire! (2009)

Director: David Matheny
Rating: 3 / 5

Everyone knows I'm a sucker for movies that look cheesy. I think it's safe to say that this one looked to be the epitome of the word, which is why I was intrigued by it. Sometimes, when I stumble upon something like this, it ends up being absolutely wonderful and becomes one of my favorite movies. Sometimes, it ends up being a piece of crap I wished I'd never watched. But at other times, like now, it ends up as something I could live with or without.

The movie was about a guy named Rusty, whose mother just married Richard. Rusty hated Richard, because he was sort of an asshole. When mom went out of town, she asked that the two of them get along, but all Rusty wanted to do was stay away from him. When he discovered the body of a missing mailman in their attic, though, he realized he might be dealing with something other than a horrible stepdad. He called the police, but once they arrived, the body was gone. So he went to the same person that all of us would go to in a similar situation: his best friend, Travis. Travis didn't believe him either, that is until they were attacked by the undead mailman.

They were saved by their school's janitor, who just happened to double as a vampire slayer (since, of course, his family had been killed by Richard himself). Gert, the janitor/vamp slayer, explained that Richard was actually the leader of an ancient vampire army. That army was brought to Earth by some sort of talisman, and once the army was defeated, it was taken under the protection of a certain family. It remained in that family ever since, and that family was the Funkhausers. Rusty Funkhauser. So, Richard had spend who-knows-how-long searching for that talisman, which is why he married Ms. Funkhauser. Once he found it, he would be able to raise his army again, and take over the world. It was up to Rusty, Travis, Gert, and a nerd-boy named Brad to defeat the vampire threat.

You can tell that this movie is fairly low budget, but it doesn't always show. It's sort of a hit or miss with this one. Sometimes everything looks wonderful, and at other times it just looks cheesy. As for the story, I liked it. The whole army/talisman thing was cool. The acting was just okay, and the effects, again, where hit or miss. It was definitely a cheesy movie that had quite a few laugh-out-loud moments. For the most part, I say it was a good effort, but I feel like it was missing something. The entire time, I felt like, if they'd just pushed things a little harder and made a little bit more of an effort, it would have been great. It definitely wasn't a bad movie, but it just failed to go the extra mile. I was entertained, and it's definitely something to check out if you're into this sort of thing--like I am.

This review was part of Vampire's Day Soiree, hosted by Holly's Horrorland. What better way to spend the most romantic day of the year than by sitting down to a nice vampire movie? Or, in my case, a cheesy vampire movie. I could have chosen a more sophisticated movie, but instead I chose something that my boyfriend and I could both agree on. He wouldn't have enjoyed an older or foreign movie, so cheesy it was! It is, after all, the couple's holiday, and I wouldn't have felt right watching it alone. Besides, he promised to watch a movie with me, which doesn't happen often, so I didn't want to jeopardize that.

Anyways, I love the idea of this, and I hope it continues throughout the years. I'm looking forward to participating in this event again. Head on over to Holly's blog to check out the other participants and enjoy all the vampire goodness.

#282 -- Cannibal! The Musical (1993)

Director: Trey Parker
Rating: 5 / 5

I honestly cannot believe that I have not yet reviewed this movie, since it's actually one of my favorites. Some might argue that this can't possibly be considered a horror movie, but I really don't care. I, personally, classify it as horror-comedy, as it contains elements of both genres. And it was released by Troma, which is known for its horror-comedy. Sure, it might lean more toward the comedy side of things, but it still has that tiny little element of horror.

Cannibal! The Musical is actually based on a true story. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: yeah right! I thought the same thing the first time I watched it and I saw that in the opening credits. I thought there was no way something so silly was based on truth. But do some research, and you'll find that it's true. It's the story of Alferd Packer, a man who was convicted of cannibalism in Colorado back in the 1800s. So, yes, it is based on fact; though I highly doubt the real Packer and his men ran around singing and dancing. That's just what makes the movie so much fun!

In this version of the story, Alferd Packer was a miner. He and all the other miners were having trouble finding anything, and they had heard about a place where the gold was plentiful. So they set out to Breckenridge to mine for gold and become rich...or die trying. The group of men enlisted Packer as their guide, since he said that he had been there before. But, unfortunately, he didn't know quite as much as he led on, and the group got lost. They remained lost for a long time, forced to live out in the snow with no way out and nothing to eat. When one of the party was killed (shot in the head for singing a song about a snowman one too many times), they figured they could eat him to last at least a little bit longer. But before the end, one of the party went crazy and decided to try to eat everyone else. Since Packer was the only survivor of the group, he was prosecuted for the murders, and he was almost hanged. If not for a pretty young reporter who had a soft spot for Packer, he might have been dead meat.

Trey and Matt; or Alferd and Humphrey

So that's the basic run-down of the movie, but there's so much more to it than that. The group--which consists of Alfred Packer (Trey Parker), James Humphrey (Matt Stone), George Noon (Dian Bachar), Shannon Bell (Ian Hardin), Isreal Swan (Jon Hegel), and Frank Miller (Jason McHugh)--meets some very interesting characters on their way to Breckenridge. They met a cyclops, which was a big 'ol man with a missing eye that squirted some icky juice at them. They met a group of trappers who were real assholes. They met a tribe of Japanese Indians (complete with Teepees), and a weird prophet sort of guy like Crazy Ralph in Friday the 13th ("You're all doomed!") The miners themselves were a colorful bunch. Alferd was kind of weird, and you could tell he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. Humphrey was even duller than Alferd, but he was hilarious. Whenever someone made him mad, his best comeback was, "Nice hat!" Swan was the annoyingly optimistic one of the bunch, which I guess is why he got his brains splattered all over the snow. Miller was the pessimist of the group and liked to sulk the entire time, and Bell was a preacher who seemed fairly normal most of the time.

The songs in Cannibal! The Musical are witty and catchy as hell. "Let's Build a Snowman" is the song that Swan sings, which encourages the others to look past the awful situation they're in and try to have some fun. "When I Was on Top of You" is a sad song about Packer's lost horse Liane. The song sounds awfully perverted, though you know it's about a horse...which just makes it even funnier. The Trappers' song is awful from a vegetarian's point of view, but even I have to admit that it's funny. "Shpadoinkle" is a song about how wonderful, beautiful, and "shpadoinkle" the day is...before they get lost and almost starve to death, that is.

The first time I saw it, I was kind of skeptical. I wasn't really sure what it was all about, or just how stupid it would be. Believe me, it's pretty silly, but it's so amazing you won't even believe it. And it's not even wonderful in that "so bad it's good" sort of way. Yeah, it's silly, but it's meant to be. These guys knew exactly what they were doing, and they know a thing or two about being funny. At the end of the day, you might think it's stupid. But really it's just a genuinely funny movie that succeeds on all levels. When I first saw it, I loved it. It instantly became one of my favorite movies, but there are some other reasons why I absolutely love this movie--not because of what kind of movie it is, or how good it is, but for what it did for me and the other things it introduced me to.

Alferd chowing down on Bell's throat in a scene that represents what everyone thought happened on those mountains.

1 - This is the first Troma movie I ever saw. I don't even remember how I came across it, but up until that point, I'd never even heard of Troma before. Once I saw this, I decided to check out what else the company had to offer, and it also introduced me to quite a few of my other favorite movies. I wouldn't know a thing about Toxie if not for Cannibal! And for that, I give it my sincerest thanks.

2 - It introduced me to South Park. If you're good with names, you'll realize that Trey Parker and Matt Stone (the biggest players in Cannibal!) are also the wonderfully weird and creative minds behind one of the greatest comedy shows ever made. I knew about South Park before I saw this movie, but I'd never watched it. Once I saw Cannibal! and realized who these guys were, I figured it deserved a chance. It became one of my favorite TV shows. You can even see glimpses of South Park throughout the movie, like Matt Stone doing Kyle's voice sometimes, and Trey sounding an awful lot like Cartman. There's even a scene where Humphrey takes his hat off, and there's this giant red afro underneath. It looks a lot like Kyle's picture day episode, where he too reveals his giant red jew-fro.

3 - It introduced me to the comedic genius of Trey and Matt. Again, I knew nothing of these guys up until this point. They made this movie while they were in college, so this was pretty much the beginning for them, and it only got better from there. Aside from South Park and the several Troma movies I grew to love after this, it also introduced me to some others, like BASEketball and Orgazmo, two of the greatest comedy movies ever, in my opinion.

4 - It's fucking awesome. That's the bottom line, and that's all you need to know. If you're a fan of seriously weird shit, you'll love it. It's kind of got the same basic feel of Poultrygeist (also from Troma, and also one of my favorite movies). It puts some comedy in something that's usually not funny at all, adds some fun songs and dance numbers, and creates one hell of a funny movie. Chickens, zombies, and musicals. That's what drew me to Poultrygeist. Cannibals and musicals...that's what drew me here. I was intrigued, though hesitant, and I'm so freaking glad that I gave it a chance. You should too. Even if you don't think it's extremely hilarious and awesome, you'll get something out of it. If you're a fan of Troma, you know where I'm coming from. Lloyd Kaufman, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone. That is a comedy team that could beat out all the rest.

#277 -- Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader (2012)

Director: Kevin O'Neill
Rating: 3 / 5

If you go into a movie like this expecting it to actually be scary, you sir (or madam), are dumb. The title, the poster--everything about it screams "don't take me seriously!" and that's exactly what you have to do to be able to enjoy it. I knew it was going to be silly, which is exactly why I wanted to see it.

It was about a young girl named Cassie, who was a freshman in college. Her mother was head cheerleader, and a member of a prestigious sorority, back in her day. Cassie's only goal for college was to live up to her mother's expectations; but Cassie was a scientist, nerdy and somewhat homely, so that wasn't as easy as she'd hoped. Everyone made fun of her, no one took her cheerleading or sorority goals seriously, and she was down in the dumps. But luckily, she and her lab partner, Kyle (Ryan Merriman) were working on a drug that could make ugly animals cute. It was kind of like a plastic surgery injection. They weren't really sure if it could work on humans, but Cassie was desperate. She injected some of the stuff (which was a bright bubble-gum pink fluid) into her arm. It did, indeed, make her beautiful. After that, everyone did start taking her more seriously. She made the cheerleading squad, she was being accepted by the people in the sorority, and all the guys couldn't get enough of her. But there was just one little side effect. Okay, maybe one giant side effect: it made Cassie grow really tall really fast. It also made her a little bit more aggressive than she usually was.

Once she got to a certain size, Kyle and their professor (Ted Raimi!) started working on an antidote. Meanwhile, some guys who were hoping to buy the drug for use on humans, discovered Cassie and tried to abduct her (they didn't want her going to a rival company and giving up the drug). Also, across campus, one of the cheerleader bitches accidentally got injected with the stuff. It didn't really make her look any different, since she was "beautiful" to begin with, but it did make her grow too. Since she was already a bitch, it turned her into a super giant bitch with even more of an attitude. And the only one who could stop her was Cassie, of course. The action culminated on the football field, with one gigantic women's wrestling match.

So, I liked the idea, obviously. It was just silly enough to pique my interest. It was done pretty well, and it featured two actors that I always enjoy (Merriman and Raimi). Some of the other actors weren't all that great, including Cassie (Jena Sims) at times. But I could overlook that due to the overly silly nature of the movie. I think it adequately depicted the stereotypical movie-college life, and it had some interesting points. I loved the ending, though it was 100% predictable. I knew exactly what was going to happen, but I was glad that it did. Cassie eventually learned that the life she'd yearned for wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, and she learned to be happy with who she really was. So it's got a good message for all the girls out there: you don't have to be super hot to get a super hot, smart guy to love you. Yeah, there's hope for all of us.

The scenes with the two giant cheerleaders were done pretty well. There were times where you could tell that there was a green screen involved, and other times where it looked natural. It wasn't perfect by any means, but it was good.

Rating

Cinematography - 7 points. Like I said, it wasn't perfect. But it did look good most of the time.

Characters - 9 points. All the characters had something to offer. Whether you love or hate them, they'll all get some kind of reaction out of you. Though this is true, not all of the actors were great.

Gore - 7 points. There wasn't any gore at all, but I don't think there was supposed to be. The effects were pretty good, which I'm glad for given the material. I'd hate to see a movie about a giant cheerleader that had terrible effects!

Comedy - 8 points. Since it wasn't meant to be scary, I'm omitting the "scariness" category and substituting it for comedy. It was definitely meant as a comedy, and it mostly succeeded. The material itself was comedic, and it did have some pretty funny moments. However, it wasn't as silly and funny as I'd hoped it would be. It could have done a lot better in that department.

Storyline - 10 points. I really liked it. The idea of anything giant is always intriguing to me, especially if it's a person (or a sea monster!). The idea of the plastic surgery injection thing was cool, I liked the little love story it had going on, and I loved how the movie ended on such a good note.

Overall score - 41 / 50

#246 -- The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Charles Band

The Gingerdead Man is a gem that every B-Movie fan needs to watch. Actually, I think everyone should watch it at some point in their lives, because I guarantee they've never seen anything like it. It's not a perfect horror film by any means, but it's entertaining if not just for its sheer ludicrousness.

Before I tell you what it's all about, I'm going to convince you that you should watch it. The cast and crew is pretty great, and that alone should pull you toward it. First of all, it was released by Full  Moon Pictures, a company known for quite a few other B-Movie delights (like Evil Bong!) It was directed by Charles Band, who has produced over 250 titles, and has directed movies such as Evil Bong, a couple of Puppet Master movies, and Head of the Family, just to  name a few. One of the writers on the film is Willam Butler, who acted in Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood, and wrote the fourth and fifth installments in the Return of the Living Dead series. The special effects work was done by John Carl Buechler, who also did the effects for F13 VII. The main character was played by Robin Sydney who you might (or might not) recognize from the Evil Bong movies, and Johnathan Chase (who was in Another Gay Movie, one of my all-time favorite comedies) was in there too. And to top that cookie off,  Millard Findlemeyer/The Gingerdead Man himself was played (and voiced) by Gary Busey. Now, I dare you to say you're not intrigued.

The movie is obviously inspired by the famous Child's Play franchise, and the basic plot is exactly the same. But at the same time, it definitely doesn't feel like a rip off to me. While it does draw its inspiration from those movies, it still succeeds in creating a different character that I, personally, cannot bring myself to compare to Chucky. It's about a killer named Millard Findlemeyer. During a robbery, he shot and killed a man and his son, leaving the daughter alive for whatever reason. She, of course, helped send him to the electric chair to fry. He was cremated, his ashes were sent to his grieving (and equally psychotic) mother. Mother mixed his ashes into a batch of gingerbread cookie seasoning and sent it over to the bakery run by none other than Sarah Leigh (Sydney), the only one Findlemeyer left alive. When her co-worker, Brick (Chase) cuts his hand and bleeds into the mix, it spells out a world of trouble. No one notices the blood in the cookie batter, so Sarah makes the cookies anyway. This brings Mr. Findlemeyer back from the dead, and he's one tough cookie. He wants revenge on Sarah for sending him to the electric chair, and he'll kill anyone else to stands in his way.

The premise itself is stupid, I'll admit that. But it's creative; it's something I've never seen--or even heard of--before, and that's why I like it. It is extremely silly, and only those with a weird sense of humor (like myself) can enjoy it. Those who don't like silly things probably won't. It had some great one-liners and cookie-related puns (like Killsbury Doughboy, ha!). Johnathan Chase's character was hilarious, because he was an avid wrestling fan who called himself "Butcher Baker," and had some interesting things to say about that. Even the character's names were baking puns in themselves. Sarah and Betty Leigh, Amos Cadbury, Jimmy Dean, Brick Fields--they're all nods toward the famous names on our favorite baked goods. All of the actors did a great job bringing life to a story that is completely implausible, and I've got to applaud them for that.

I've got to give Buechler a big pat on the back as well for the great effects. I've always been a fan, if not only for the amazing and horrifying changes he made to Jason Voorhees. He did a great job here, as well. The cookie had a pretty realistic face, which is extremely impressive. He gave life to that little guy. Yeah, the Gingerdead Man is ugly, but that's only because it's supposed to look like Gary Busey--is that mean?

So my overall thoughts are that The Ginerdead Man is a great and entertaining movie with a killer cast and crew, and it should be on everyone's watch list.

Oh, and I apologize for my own attempted cookie humor...

#239 -- Girls Gone Dead (2012)

Rating: 3.5 / 5
Directors: Michael Hoffman Jr. & Aaron T. Wells

I think you can tell pretty easily what this movie is all about. Just take a look at the cover. You've got two scantily clad ladies, and one pervert shooting them with a camera. The title is a nudge toward the "Girls Gone Wild" videos. And there's blood everywhere, so it's really a no-brainer. A bunch of half-naked ladies get butchered. End of story. It's not like it's anything new; we've been seeing things like this for years, but it always nice to see where someone else takes it.

A group of ex-cheerleaders go to a nice house in Florida, not far from the beach. The house belonged to one of their dads, so they've got the place all to themselves for the weekend. One of the girls had some trouble escaping the clutches of her fanatically religious mother, but she was eventually able to get together with the girls for a fun weekend. Unfortunately, the one girl's dad failed to mention that the town they would be staying in was a retirement community, and that there was absolutely nothing fun to do. The bar was filled with old losers, and the beach was full of oldsters too. Nothing for a bunch of dumb girls to do for fun. But, not too far away, "Crazy Girls Unlimited" was filming their spring break extravaganza. So the girls met with some guys who hoped to get in on that action, and their party began. Unfortunately, again, their party was cut short by an axe-wielding psycho.

I will say that, even though this movie is bad on pretty much all counts, it does have some good things going for it. One, the killer was pretty good and creepy. He wore a monk's costume, and that battle axe was pretty badass. The gore was pretty impressive too. I liked the kills, and I liked that the killer had sort of a nonchalant demeanor as he killed his victims. He just didn't give a shit. There were a couple of famous appearances thrown in too, but I only cared about two of them. One was Ron Jeremy. I really enjoy him as an actor--he's usually a pretty funny guy--but I was disappointed to see that his role here was extremely dull. It seemed like he'd gotten tired of being surrounded by naked girls all the time. It looked like he was very unhappy in the situation, and that made his "character" bore me. The other was Jerry "The King" Lawler, who I loved. His performance was the best of the bunch, if you ask me. Especially at the end, but we'll get to that in a moment. There was also the little creepy guy who filmed the girls. He was apparently made famous by Howard Stern's show, but I don't know anything about him other than the fact that he's creepy. Then there was the beautiful Linnea Quigley, from the first ROTLD, as a bartender at the local bar. Oh, and there was that fat kid--Shawn C. Phillips--you'll recognize him when you see him. He got lucky with one of the babes, right before her head was chopped and his guts were slashed.


The ending was actually my favorite part, and no, not because I was glad that it was over. The big reveal of the killer wasn't very surprising, but somehow they found a way to make it surprising. The whole time, we're pretty sure of who the killer is; then they turn around and make us think we're wrong, right before turning back around and showing us that we were right all along. If that makes any sense. And Jerry Lawler, who played the town sheriff, was amazing. At the end, he came out of nowhere to attack the killer, landing a pile driver right after saying, "Eat dirt, bitch!"

The story is nothing new. There's nothing extremely interesting about it. But it's aimed toward people who want to see boobs and blood, and it definitely delivers in those two areas. If you're looking for something meaningful and thought-provoking, you're not going to find it here. If you're looking for some mindless entertainment, then look no further. You've found it.

#206 -- Trail of the Screaming Forehead (2007)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Larry Blamire

 What can you really expect from a title like that? Well, personally, I expected something awesome. I'm a huge fan of purposely stupid horror movies. I love that cheesy humor; I love movies that make fun of themselves. So, when I saw this on Fearnet's VOD, I was pretty excited. I thought, "Now there's something I can get on board with." But make no mistakes, this movie doesn't have to make fun of itself, because the viewers can do that for themselves.

Good horror-comedies have just the right amount of stupidity, and they're smart about it so it works. This is not one of those movies. It was purposely stupid; I wasn't wrong about that. But it wasn't very smart about it. There were no real jokes here, or at least nothing I actually found funny. It seemed to me that it was trying to poke fun at those old '50s and '60s movies that feature strange creatures and such. The difference is that those old movies are actually good. Trail had potential. If it had been done better, it could have been wonderful. But alas, it's just another one of those movies that tries to be awesome but fails.

It's about an alien race of foreheads. They were once just like humans, until they destroyed themselves through nuclear war. Then they realized that they only way they could survive was by evolving into foreheads. But that couldn't last forever, and their race was slowly dying. They came to Earth to steal the bodies of humans, so that they could continue living. They would attach themselves to peoples' foreheads, turning them into very boring folks. They were dull. Maybe it could have been better if the foreheads had turned them into wacky dancing machines. I'm not sure, but I don't think boring was the way to go. Anyways, the only people who weren't possessed were two annoying sailors and a librarian. It was up to them to figure out how to destroy the forehead creatures, and try to keep from getting possessed themselves.

Meanwhile, a couple of scientists were trying to figure out exactly what was going on. They knew nothing of the alien threat, I don't think. Their theory was that all human thought came from the forehead, rather than the brain. There was some chemical called Foreheadazine that would give them the answers. One of the scientists took Foreheadazine pills that were supposed to make him super smart. They figured that this would prove that thought came from the forehead. It did make him smarter, but it also gave him a gigantic forehead.

This one starred Daniel Roebuck as one of the boring possessed people. He's that guy who looks really familiar, and he's been in a lot of things I've seen, but I can't remember him from any of them. Maybe I'll remember him from this, though I'm not sure that's a good thing. The only thing this movie had going for it was its theme song. No, the song wasn't that great. But it contains the line, "When you're not dreaming, your forehead is screaming that we're all from outer space." Catchy, huh?

If you're looking for something that you won't have to think about, something really stupid just to pass the time, then Trail of the Screaming Forehead is the movie for you. If you're looking for something good, then you should probably skip it.

#187 -- Killer Pad (2008)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Robert Englund

Yeah, you read that right. This movie was directed by Robert motherfucking Englund. Now, I wasn't extremely impressed with the first of his movies I saw (9-7-6 Evil), so I wasn't expecting much from this one. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't really good either. This one was way more of a comedy than it was a horror movie, and I'm not really sure why it was on Fearnet's VOD. It felt like one of those American Pie wannabe college party movies. The guys in this (Brody, Craig, and Doug) were in their early twenties, just moved out of their parents'  houses, and moved out to California to start their lives over. They were lucky enough to run into Winnie, a cute little Asian realtor lady played by Bobby Lee. Yes, Bobby Lee in drag. Winnie gave them a good deal on an amazing house, and it all seemed too good to be true. Well, that's because it was. On the way to their new house, they got lost. They ran into a Mexican guy who tried to warn them of the evil in the house, but he spoke only Spanish  and they couldn't understand him. They heard him say El Diablo, but they couldn't put it together; they thought he wanted some hot sauce, so they threw some ketchup at him and drove away. He kept trying to warn them; he even showed up at the house, became possessed, ripped his own heart out and ate it, then jumped from the balcony. They just thought he was a squatter, playing a trick on them so that they'd leave, and him and his squatter friends could keep on living there. Their second hint that something wasn't right was a coyote in their basement. Along with the coyote, there was a weird pit of red mist, that felt hot to the touch, and so obviously was a portal to the underworld. They joked about this over a nice bong, but never really thought anything more of it.

Some hot girls showed up one day and suggested that they have a house-warming party, so they could get to know some of the people around town. So they made flyers, and had one giant shindig. Among the party-goers was Andy Milonakis (a huge nerd), and Joey Lawrence (playing himself, trying to find his way to Toby Macguire's house). Andy almost got to touch some boobies, but his efforts were thwarted by a midget porn star. Joey killed himself accidentally, I think, with some kind of razors on his motorcycle gloves. Let's see...there was a big, lesbian-looking lady who got sucked down the toilet and then shat on by a fat guy. There was also a priest (played by Jeff Davis, from Who's Line is it, Anyway?): a guy who used to be friends with Brody, Craig and Doug. He was at the party to face his demons, to be sure that he was ready to become a full fledged member of the church. His demons won, however, and he ended up saving the day with a wonderful rendition of "Rock and Roll All Night" by Kiss.

When I type all of this out, it does sound pretty freakin' awesome. There were some pretty funny parts, especially when the guys threw ketchup at the Mexican. They said, "Don't be such a food snob! Give ketchup a chance!" And they referred to it as "white people hot sauce." But anyways, there were some good, funny parts. Those guys were all extremely stupid. And I mean they were dumb as shit. But I guess they had to be. It wouldn't have been the same otherwise. So it was funny, but most of the time it was just stupid. There was nothing funny enough to make me love it, and there definitely wasn't enough horror here. Sure, there were some sexy ass demons, and Satan in a way I've never seen him/her before. But at the end of the day, it was just another okay movie that I could've lived without seeing.

#160 -- Deadheads (2011)

Directors: Brett Pierce & Drew T. Pierce
Rating: 4/5

Finally! I've found another truly remarkable movie. So, On Demand isn't all bad after all. I wasn't really sure how to feel about this one going into it. There are tons of zombie horror-comedies out there, so I figured it would be just like all the rest of those. But it really wasn't, because is was a romantic zombie horror-comedy. Sounds weird, right? Well, I guess it's pretty weird on paper, but it actually really worked. It's about a guy named Mike who wakes up one night to discover that he's a zombie, and he's been dead for three years. Before he bit the bullet, he was planning on proposing to his girlfriend, Ellie, but that didn't work out too well. Right after he wakes up, he runs into another zombie named Brent, who's a little on the strange side. While Mike was murdered, Brent died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. But Brent wants to help Mike find Ellie, so that he can tell her how he feels and finally give her the ring he's been keeping in his pocket for three years. They go on a little zombie road trip, meeting up with a crazy old man who gives them a ride. Oh, Mike and Brent are "smart" zombies. Apparently there was some sort of military experiment (isn't there always?), and a certain few people were injected with a different strain of the virus. While Mike and Brent still have their minds, all the other zombies are the mindless sort we've grown to love. They pick up one of these such zombies, name him Cheese, and keep him as a sort of pet. Cheese is a big dude, and he acts like their body guard. So when the fuzz starts chasing them, trying to take them down, they've got to deal with Cheese, who is much stronger than the average man. They encounter some things that set them back a bit, to the point that they feel they can't go on. They meet a bunch of rednecks in a bar, and they almost don't make it out once everyone realizes they're zombies. They meet a cop out in the woods, but Cheese takes care of him with the quickness. And there's always the government officials on their trail. We eventually learn the true nature of Mike's death, and it ain't a pretty picture. But he overcomes all that, finds his girl and spills his guts to her (fortunately, I don't mean that literally).

I've never seen a movie quite like this. Sure there was My Boyfriend's Back, but that wasn't quite the same. This one was actually very funny. Brent was a crazy character, as was the old man they hitched a ride with. Cheese was cool, and I was sincerely sad to see him go. There are a few other-celebrity look-a-likes in here too. The old dude looks a bit like Adam West; Mike looks like Jared the Subway guy, and Brent reminded me of Beetlejuice, for some reason. So, a zombie romantic horror-comedy. Who would'a thunk it, right? It sounds weird, it is a little weird, but it works. It's a great movie with humor, romance, and zombies. It's a chick flick you can watch with your boyfriend without him getting pissed at you. Everyone wins! Oh, the effects in here were pretty damn good too, and the acting was wonderful. It was well planned, well made, and just...it's awesome. I loved it. So fellow zombie lovers, watch this movie! I'm sure you'll all love it too.

#102 -- Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Directors: Yoshihiro Nishimura & Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Rating: 5/5

Oh my god, I love Asians! Good grief, they make some good movies. This movie's scare factor? Zero. Its awesome factor? 5 billion. This one is sort of like a romance/action/kung fu/horror/comedy. It appeals to everyone, so there's absolutely no excuse for not seeing it. First off, we've got Monami, a beautiful young vampire girl who transfers to Tokyo High School and falls in love with a boy named Jugon. In Japan, it is a tradition for girls to give chocolate to boys to express their love for them. Monami takes it to the next level and presents Jugon with chocolate filled with her blood, transforming him into a vampire. The only problem is Keiko, Jugon's girlfriend; she doesn't like that idea very much. Keiko and Monami get into a scuffle, causing Keiko to fall from a balcony and crush her face against the pavement below. Fortunately for Keiko, her father is not only the vice principal of their school, but he is also the Japanese Dr. Frankenstein. He puts her back together using several interesting parts.

Frankenstein Girl

There are a few things you should know if you want to fully understand how awesome Frankenstein Girl is. First: there's a group of girls at Tokyo High School that call themselves the Wrist-Cutters Club. There's an annual Wrist-Cutters Rally, in which one girl is named wrist cutting champion. So, Part 1 of Frankenstein Girl: impenetrable arms of wrist cutting champion. There's another group of girls who are obsessed with tanning; so obsessed that they've decided they want to be black. They act like typical black girls and, trust me, it's completely hilarious. One of these girls has a dream of becoming a marathon runner. Part 2 of Frankenstein Girl: legs of an aspiring runner. Part 3 of Frankenstein Girl: Lungs of a Chinese smoker, who can apparently breathe out gas fumes. So, as you can tell, Frankenstein Girl ends up being pretty damn badass.

Vampire Girl is also a badass. She has a cloak which, like a superheroes costume, gives her some special powers. She can leap great lengths, and she has the ability to turn her blood into weapons (like giant bloody swords). So with Monami, it's best to make sure you kill her100%, because wounding her only gives her a  higher advantage.

Vampire Girl and Frankenstein Girl are both in love with the same boy, and we all know that never ends well. A battle of epic proportions ensues, and it is a battle that cannot be missed! But the question is: is Frankenstein Girl badass enough to defeat Vampire Girl, with her magic vampire cloak of awesomeness?

Ah, this movie is so freaking wonderful. It's silly, it's funny, and it is a gore whore's wet dream. Seriously, the gore in this one is UNBELIEVABLE! The fight scenes are amazing, the romance between Monami and Jugon is cute, though kind of creepy at first. I'm honestly at a loss for words. I don't think it would be possible to adequately explain the amount of awesome packed into this movie. I couldn't explain all the weirdness either, because there's a shitload of that too. The only advice I can give realistically is this: WATCH THIS MOVIE NOW!

#95 -- One-Eyed Monster (2008)

Director: Adam Fields
Rating: 5/5

I went into this movie hoping - and I mean really hoping - that it would be amazing. The title alone is intriguing at the least. But trust me, don't watch this with your kids, 'cause it's not about a cyclops. It is about a team of adult film-makers making some pornography in a cabin out in the woods. One of those of those people is none other than porn god, Ron Jeremy (ew...) Unfortunately, their naughty adventures come to a startling halt when Mr. Jeremy's penis is severed and possessed by an alien. Yes, you read that right. This alien-possessed penis then begins to go on a rampage, killing everyone in sight.

You wouldn't think there would be many ways for a penis to kill people, but there are quite a few - my favorite of which is boring a hole straight through a girl's head. You must be asking yourself: why in the world would aliens want to possess a penis? Well, to reproduce of course!

One-Eyed Monster is a freaking awesome movie. It's as simple as that. It's hilarious, but it's also got some good elements of horror. Of course, it's so silly it completely fails to terrify, but that does not take away from the absolute awesomeness. The only bad thing I could possibly say about it is that there wasn't enough Ron Jeremy. I actually really enjoy him as an actor (not in porno, please and thank you). He's actually a funny guy, and he has been in quite a few of my favorite movies. Unfortunately, the alien's took his manhood far too soon, and all we saw of him was his...well, you know. Watch this movie! You'll thank me for it, I promise.

#90 -- Doghouse (2009)

Director: Jake West
Rating: 4/5

It seems like when I watch a spur of the moment movie, it turns out to be awesome. Doghouse is about a group of guys who want to get away from their wives, girlfriends, or boyfriends. Yeah, there's a gay guy, but he's not the typical homo. He's braver than the rest, and constantly tells them to stop acting gay. Anyways, they travel out to a village in the middle of nowhere to have their little getaway. But when they get to the village, Moodley, they discover that all the men are missing and the women have turned into man-thirsty zombies. Now, these aren't your average shuffling-brain eating zombies. These women are fast, strong, and fucking vicious.

Apparently, this was caused by some sort of military experiment (what zombie virus isn't?), and the only way to slow them down is a sort of dog whistle - an extremely high pitched sound wave that only women can hear. Doghouse is kind of like Shaun of the Dead. I'm not saying they're exactly alike, but they do have similarities. 1) They're British 2) There are tons of zombies 3) They're both funny as hell. I was pleasantly surprised with this one. It had me laughing from about three seconds in, and I hardly stopped the entire time. There are many different types of zombies in this one: surgeons, fat ladies, crossing guards, even one woman who looks like Xena the Warrior Princess. There are guys in drag, as well (as an attempt to "blend in"). Everything is just so out there and amazing that a sane person couldn't help but hate it. But since I am far from being a sane person - I really loved it. It's got everything I love: zombies, hot foreign accents, lots of gore, and plenty of humor. So, check it out my fellow zombie lovers! You won't be disappointed.

#82 -- Chillerama (2011)

Directors: Adam Green, Joe Lynch, Bear McCreary, Adam Rifkin & Tim Sullivan

Rating: 4 / 5

Hello, hello. I'm not dead, I swear! Well, maybe a little, but that's beside the point. But with all the excitement with Christmas and New Year's, I just haven't found the time to write much of anything. Or, if I'm completely honest, I just haven't felt like it. But I thought it was about time I return. Anyways, I was dying to see Chillerama the second I saw an advertisement about it, because I thought it would be totally hilarious. So of course, when my boyfriend gave it to me for Christmas, I made him watch it with me that night. I'm not sure he liked it too much. But my verdict? I wasn't wrong.

It basically pays tribute to the double features of old (except it's more of a quadruple feature). It starts off with a man paying a visit to his wife - in her grave. He hates her for some reason, and decides to rape her corpse. Only his wife doesn't like that idea too much, so she rises from the dead to bite his wiener off. He bleeds neon blue blood all over the graveyard and, instead of going to the hospital, he decides to go to work. Where does he work, you ask? Well, at the drive in movie theater, of course. He cleans himself up in the back room, and washes his bloody hands in the popcorn butter. We know then that the unlucky moviegoers are going to have a very interesting night...The theater patrons watch four films, only three of which we get to see in their entirety.

In Wadzilla, a man is upset because he can't donate his sperm. His count is extremely - and I mean extremely - low. It appears that he can only produce a single little sperm at a time. So, in an effort to raise his count a bit, the doctor gives him an experimental drug supposed to do just that. But instead of making him create more sperm, it only strengthens the one he has - and it grows, and grows, and grows. Every time he becomes aroused, he gets a terrible pain in his testicles, and the doctor tells him the only thing he can do is relieve them of their tension. So, when a blind date gets his blood flowing, he relieves himself in her bathroom. What emerges is a monstrous sperm monster that is intent on finding an egg - in the man's date! They escape, but so does the monster. It terrorizes the city, and it grows more and more with each passing moment. When it is at its largest, the only possible mate for it is Lady Liberty herself.

Wadzilla is my favorite of the four films. It is so goddamn gross its funny. We happened to be eating dinner when we were watching it, and I noticed my mom was having trouble getting her food down, which kind of made it even funnier. The effects are (I assume) purposely horrible, and that just makes it all the better.

I Was A Teenage Werebear - When you hear "werebear," you think that these people will be transforming into cute little grizzly bears, right? Wrong. They're not bears as in "ROAR, eat your face" kind of bears. They're bears in the "rawr, eat your ass" kind of bears, complete with leather chaps. It seems that arousal brings about the transformation, and makes the werebears want to either a) rape someone or b) rip someone to pieces. Oh, and it is a musical. Our gay friends sing little songs throughout the whole thing. This one cracked me up, because it was so stupid. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just what it is. It wasn't the best one of the bunch, but it was definitely entertaining.

The Diary of Anne Frankenstein will have you rolling in your seat! Well, not literally, but you will laugh, I assure you. So, apparently, Anne and her family are relatives of Victor Frankenstein. After the scandal involving the Monster, the Frankenstein family shortened their name to Frank. Anne's family has possession of Victor's diary, and Hitler simply must get his dirty little hands on it. He plans to create some kind of super soldier, using the bodies of fallen Jews. But what he creates instead is an angry Jewish monster. The monster is played by my favorite of all the monsters, Kane Hodder, and the whole movie is worth owning for the simple fact that I got to see him dance. However, I must admit that the best part of this one was Joel David Moore's horrible German. All of the other actors spoke correct German. He, on the other hand, just made shit up. And it made for some hilarious movie-viewing. At one point, he yelled "Kill!" about twenty times, using a different word each time.

The fourth movie that the movie-goers watch is all about shit. We don't get to see this movie, and I'm thankful for that. Instead, our attention is turned to what is going on in the theater.

Zom-B-Movie - This one continues where the opening sequence left off. The penis-less man's blood has gotten into the popcorn, and has turned everyone into horny zombies. So we have, all around the parking lot, zombies raping humans and turning them into horny zombies. Our two remaining characters lock themselves in the car and, since they've just realized that they love each other, decide to have sex. But the owner of the theater is very prepared, and all is perhaps not lost.

All in all, Chillerama is a wonderful movie, and will be loved by horror fans across the globe, I'm sure. It's one of those movies that is so goofy you can't help but love it. This is honestly my favorite type of horror movie. I get to see blood and guts and murder - all that good shit - plus I get to laugh my ass off. It's a win-win situation, and Chillerama definitely delivers the goods.

#80 -- The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made (2005)

Director: Bill Zebub

Rating: 4 / 5

"Bananas are horrible creatures! They mutilate their prey!

No, I don't think so badly of this movie that I don't think it even deserves a title. That is actually what the movie is called, and rightly so. The director, who calls himself Bill Zebub, was going for a terrible horror movie. So don't expect it to actually be pretty good. He wanted it to be awful, and he succeeded. But I think certain people will like it, because I certainly did. It is completely horrible, but it's funny because of that. It starts off with a group of friends playing cards. The group starts dying off, by being killed - mostly - by bananas. One man slips on a bar of soap and busts his head open on the floor. Except it's not his head; it's a watermelon. There was no attempt to hide the fact that it was a watermelon, either. 

When all their friends die, Jeanne and Rocco (the hosts of the party) decide that there's no way the cops will believe that they didn't do it. So they go on the run. Along the way, the meet quite a bit of colorful characters. They meed a toilet paper mummy, zombees (zombie-like bumble bees with red eyes), a family of stereotypical rednecks, an alien with a raging hardon, a shit demon complete with corn-mouth, ghosts of slaves on the underground railroad, a baby-eater, and bunches of terrorists. America seems to be under a terrorist attack, so they have that to worry about that as well as running from the police. 

We also see a bunch of crazy people when Rocco ends up being admitted into an insane asylum. Jeanne gets turned into a giant, Rocco travels inside of her and discovers that she's pregnant. He aborts the baby with a lasergun. Jesus also plays a part in this movie, and I must warn everyone - IT'S BAD. If you're not into religious jokes, steer clear, please. Jesus happens to be a rapist, and tries to get jiggy with Jeanne. I don't want to go to much into this part of the movie, so as not to offend anyone, but it's pretty bad. Personally, I found it hilarious, but I understand that it will not be funny to everyone. There's also a horny werewolf, who changes at the sight of a bare ass (a full moon, ha-ha). Like I said, there are plenty of colorful characters.

The acting is horrible, the effects are horrible, the dialogue is awful. Everything is awful. There was practically no story to it, it made no sense, and you'll probably lose a few brain cells while watching this. Don't expect anything different. That was the plan when making this movie: Bill Zebub was intent on making the worst horror movie ever, and most will agree that he succeeded. Personally, I love movies that are purposely stupid. But it's not for everyone. Trust me. Proceed with caution. 

NOTE: This movie was actually remade in 2008 by Bill Zebub. I think he just wanted to make it a little bit better, but I'm not quite sure. Anyways, the remake seems to be a bit more popular than this one. It is practically impossible to find any sort of video or photos to go along with this movie (the photos I have up are screenshots from my DVD). If you do a google search, almost everything you will find will be for the 2008 version. So, it seems that this movie is completely dead. So, there is no trailer in The Trailer Park. I couldn't find a damn thing.

#79 -- Pervert! (2005)

Director: Jonathan Yudis

Rating: 3 / 5

I don't think you have to be a pervert to watch this movie, but it probably helps. When you've got a sick and nasty sense of humor like me, you'll enjoy it. Otherwise, you'll probably just think it's stupid and that you wasted your time. In Pervert! a young man, James, stays with his father somewhere out in the desert, it seems. His father, an old dirty man, somehow seems to get some really hot ladies. But he can't keep the ladies for too long, because James likes to steal them. Unfortunately, James doesn't get to keep them very long either, because they all end up dying mysteriously. 

We're led to believe for a while that it's some sort of boogeyman killing the women. We see a first-person view of something crawling from underneath James' bed to go out and hack some hotties. But we soon realize that the beast does NOT live under James' bed...It lives in his pants, and it is very jealous. Or, I shall say she. She loves James, and she doesn't want any other women near him. We find out that James had spoken with a witch doctor in order to help him attract women. But of course, all magic comes with a price. 

James' dad is somewhat of a freaky artist, and he creates sculptures of female bodies - out of meat. This leads us to believe for a while that it's actually the old fart killing the women. But no, he's just a lonely, crazy old man with some issues. James eventually ends up falling in love with a nurse that he'd hired to take care of his father. But the nurse had ulterior motives, and all did not go as planned. So, again, if you've got a twisted sense of humor and enjoy really cheesy and weird horror movies, Pervert! is the movie for you. 

#72 -- 2001 Maniacs (2005)

Director: Tim Sullivan

Rating: 3 / 5

"You ARE what they eat." I think that somewhat adequately depicts the humor in this movie. When a group of college kids sets off to Florida for spring break, a detour lands them in a little tiny town in Georgia - a town full of insane cannibal hillbillies (there's actually a character called Hucklebilly). Seeing movies like this, I can understand why a lot of northerners might think horrible things about us down in the south. These hillbillies have some sort of festival coming up called the Guts and Glory Jubilee. The group slowly starts diminishing, as they are killed and eaten by the town. 

Robert Englund stars as the mayor of this town, called Pleasant Valley. His son is - no surprise here - a sheep fucking lunatic. He doesn't really have a big part in the movie, other than running around chasing sheep with his pants around his ankles. But he is easily one of the funniest characters in the whole movie. The humor is an acquired taste. It is very racist, homophobic, and whatever else you can think of. So if you don't have a really open sense of humor, you should probably steer clear of this movie. But otherwise, I think most everyone should enjoy this. It's cheesy, funny, and pretty damn gory. One man even has a gigantic spear shoved into his ass. Oh, and Kane Hodder also had a cameo, as one of the said insane cannibal rednecks. So that was exciting. Check this one out, but listen to me when I say: I promise you we're not all like that down here. 

#70 -- Teeth (2007)

Director: Mitchell Lichtenstein

Rating: 4 / 5

The way you would classify this movie depends on who you are. Or your gender. For females (me, at least) it's a comedy. For males, pure terror. It is the story of Dawn, a high school student who discovers her vagina has teeth when her crush tries to rape her. I'd like to mention that both she and her would-be rapist are active in the school's abstinence club. This fact makes the entire movie superbly ironic. Her little problem is what most have always thought of as only a myth: vagina dentata. Her gynecologist learns that it is real when he tries to fist-rape her, and her vagina latches on and won't let go. 

At first, Dawn is terrified of her deformity, and she doesn't want to get close to anyone for fear of hurting them. But she eventually learns to see it as an advantage. She has power over any man she encounters: power that none of us regular women could ever understand. When she discovers this, she uses her power to her advantage, taking revenge on those who cross her. She learns to control it, and little Vaggie only bites when Dawn gets angry. This movie is completely hilarious. There is one scene in particular where a man pisses Dawn off (it happens to be her step-brother, who is in love with Dawn and decides he wants to tap that ass) and Vaggie goes to work. Vaggie bites off the man's pee-pee, and his dog, his beloved little poochie EATS IT. I remember being completely shocked, and then laughing my ass off screaming "Oh my god! The dog ate his dick!" And yes, I laughed my ass off. I have no ass now, thanks to this movie. I find myself wondering if she's missing any fingers...

I couldn't find many photos for this one, and it's a damn shame, because there are some really great scenes here. What I find interesting is that the movie was actually written and directed by a man. You would think that some crazy feminist would create a movie like this, but no. I guess he figured the best way to scare a man is to have his junk bitten off by the thing it wants most. Who knows why; all I know is that this movie is awesomely funny and equally disturbing. You should watch it for the poochie penis munching.