May Monster Madness Day 1 -- Monster Spotlight: Zombies

So, May Monster Madness is finally here. I feel like I'm late, but it cannot be helped. I work the night shift, so the only time I have to write is during the day. I actually did try to watch a movie, but exhaustion took over and I kept falling asleep every five or ten minutes. So, that's out of the question, sadly. Instead, my first day is going to be a simple one. I did Monster Spotlight once before, and never did find the will to do it again. I guess now is the perfect time, and I'm going to focus on my favorite of all horror movie monsters: zombies! From here on out, I will be reviewing monster movies, but for now, let's talk about some of those awesome undead creatures. These are my favorite zombies.

Fat Santa Zombie from Silent Night, Zombie Night

I watched Silent Night Zombie Night for Creepmas last year, and I was really disappointed by it. That being said, one of the zombies left a mark on me. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I thought he was so awesome. He looks like he just ate one too many Christmas pies or something. He was most definitely the best part about that movie.

Zombie Baby from Dead Alive

This is an entirely different story, however. I loved Dead Alive. It was cheesy, it was gory, and just all around a good time. This little guy is what happens when two zombies make love. If a zombie love scene isn't awesome enough, add in a little zombie child chewing its way out of its mother. And he's just so gosh-darn cute, don't you think? The first thing I thought when I saw him was, "This is what mine and Jason's baby will look like." Jason Voorhees is my future husband, and I see him in pretty much everything. I do honestly believe this is what our child is going to look like. So, that's reason enough for me to love him. Rock on, Jason Jr.!

Cemetery Zombie from Night of the Living Dead

There were plenty of great zombies in this classic movie, but this is the one that stuck with me. His is one of the first faces you see in the movie, and he is precisely what was "coming" for Barbara. He is a part of one of the most known and quoted scenes in horror, and I love him for it. I love all the other zombies in the movie as well; especially the way their heads sounded when they were hit by hammers. Great stuff.

Julie from Return of the Living Dead 3

I'm sure there are quite a few people out there who were confused by Julie. Is she something that I want to run away from; or do I want to jump her bones? She was sexy as hell, and I personally consider her a sex symbol. I don't care if she was dead or not. Not only was she a bombshell, but she was also a badass. She was not one to be fucked with, even though that's precisely what I'd like to do with her. I'd just have to steer clear of all the glass/springs/wires pierced into her body.

"I can feel myself rot" zombie from Return of the Living Dead

What I love about this gal is that she was the first talking zombie that I'd ever seen. She might even be the first talking zombie ever; I'm not sure. She explained exactly why she and her zombie friends had to eat brains, and she succeeded in making me feel bad for them. She was such a sad lady.

"Send more paramedics" zombie from Return of the Living Dead

Most of my favorite zombie characters do come from the ROTLD series, because...well, those movies rock. I just love this guy, because that was one of my favorite scenes in the movie; and it's one of my favorite horror quotes ever. It was just so funny. The words themselves are funny, but the way he said it made it even better. It was like he was ordering Chinese food. 

The zombie chickens from Poultrygeist

There's nothing quite like zombie chickens, especially ones that people feel inclined to sing about. This movie is one of my absolute favorites. It had everything going for it, and the zombies were fantastic. I mean...angry Native American spirits trapped in frozen chickens that have come to life. What could be better?

Tarman from Return of the Living Dead

Ahh, Tarman. We all love you. Not only does he look awesome, but he was pretty darn scary, especially when he showed up out of nowhere, dripping his goo everywhere. Besides, he's the reason that all those cute graphics say "Brainssss!" in their thought bubbles rather than "Any body part I can get ahold of!" Or "Flesh!" Neither of which have quite the same ring to them. 

So, those are my favorite zombies. I think it's pretty easy to tell what my favorite zombie movie is, huh? Who are your favorite zombies? Anyone I left out? 

Oh, and enjoy these other wonderful Monster-related posts!

Monster Spotlight - Clowns

This is going to be a new segment that I can – hopefully – keep going for a little while. I’m going to spotlight certain types of horror movie villains, and single out the greats.

Clowns can be really great if they’re done correctly. Tons of people are scared of clowns, and that’s just regular clowns you see at birthday parties and such. It’s understandable; you can’t help but wonder what’s going on in their mind, underneath the make-up and the smiles. I’ll quote what I said in my “survival 101” page. They may be smiling, but they're not happy. They're smiling because they're imagining what your guts are gonna look like splattered all over the floor. Or they may be picturing you naked. Either way, clowns are bad news. So here are some of my favourite killer clowns!

Pennywise the Dancing Clown

I saw Stephen King’s It as a young child; but I was so young that I didn’t really comprehend what was happening. I saw it again when I was about thirteen, and I was terrified of clowns for a couple of years. Now, of course, I realize that clowns are fucking awesome. But for a while there, Pennywise had me scared shitless. The clown actually isn’t the true form of Pennywise; he’s actually some sort of spider-thing that preys on children. The clown was just a get-up to lure children into his lair, or scare the shit out of unsuspecting children. Either way, Pennywise was a very effective killer clown.

"They all float!"

The Little Green-Haired One

This little guy is from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. He didn’t actually have a name; or if he did, I don’t know what it was. All I know is that, to me, he is a cutie pie. There was one scene in particular that had me rolling in the floor. Greeny was riding his bicycle when he came upon a group of bikers. One of the big bikers asked if he could ride the bike; Greeny shook his head no. So the biker asked if he could honk the horn, and Greeny didn’t have a problem with that. But instead of honking the horn, Biker crushed the bicycle with his bare hands. Greeny began to cry, and then flew up into the sky. The biker thought he’d won the fight. Greeny came back down to the ground, this time with a big pair of boxing gloves. Biker laughed, asking “What are you gonna do, knock my block off?” Greeny punches Biker’s head, and it flies off into a trash can. It was at that moment that I fell in love with this little guy.

Horny the Clown

Drive-Thru is one of those independent movies that is actually really good. Horny the clown was the shit. He was the sexiest killer clown I’d ever seen. He was funny (even though he stole his catch phrases from The Shining), he was fucking vicious as hell, and I love him. Oh, and not only was he a killer clown, he was the re-animated spirit of a nerdy boy. And if you know me, you know I love nerdy boys. So, Horny scores double on the awesome meter.

So yummy...

Insane Clown Posse

Okay, so they’re not from a horror movie, but they’re still horror-related. Their style of music is known as horrorcore, or murder rap, and they focus mainly on horror-related topics (with a little sex and drugs thrown in for good measure). They’re not the colourful clowns we’re used to; instead they’re painted in black and white, making them quite sinister. They’re funny, they’re gross, and they’re pretty gory. Here’s a little peek inside some of my favourite of their songs. Terrible isn’t exactly horror-related, but it focuses on bad things in the real world. It’s about people focusing on stupid shit rather than what really matters. House of Horrors is just what the title implies: a house of horrors. The Amazing Maze is a maze full of horrible things, like rooms filled with mouse traps and thumbtacks, serial killers, and other wonderful things. There’s a lot more to these guys than meets the eye; they’ve actually got some serious messages to relay, they’re about more than just murder. Some people say they’re gimmicky; a lot of people hate their guts; but I say fuck ‘em. I’m a juggalette and I’m proud. So check ‘em out and find out for yourselves.

There are plenty of killer clowns out there. They’re always attempted, but rarely perfected. When done properly, clowns are the shit. So I’ll close with three simple words: Much Clown Love. 

Favorite Types of Kills

Kills are a very important aspect of horror movies; they’ve just got to be awesome. There are certain types of kills that really get my blood pumping.

Disembowelment

Dawn of the Dead

Ah, the always-amazing gutting. I love seeing someone’s guts spilling out on the floor. Zombies are pretty fucking good at this.

Impaling

Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter

Kind of like stabbing, only better. Seeing someone with a pole, or a sword, or any other sort of large object jutting out of the majority of their body – that’s awesome.

Bare-hands

Friday the 13th III: 3D

It’s really amazing to see a killer use nothing but their bare hands. It is a showcase of incredible strength, and it makes me happy inside. Jason Voorhees is really good at this. I love it when he squishes someone’s head, rips their heart out, rips limbs off, etc. It’s incredible.

Stabbing

Psycho

Yeah, it’s simple, but you really can’t go wrong with it. As long as the killer doesn’t rely on this alone, it’s perfectly fine. And as long as there’s lots and lots of blood, it’s great in my book.

Torture

Saw II

Yeah, I’m a sicko, but whatevs. I love seeing someone subjected to such excruciating pain that they wish they were dead – oooh yes. The Saw series is a really good example of this. I love all of Jigsaw’s devices, and those kills were so brutal they really appealed to my gore whore senses.

Creative kills

A Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors

These are the kind of kills that can’t be described, because they can’t be put into a category. It’s just something the writer’s came up with and put to screen. I love strange and creative kills, and seeing something I’ve never seen before.

Now, the only type of kill I consider “bad” is anything done with a gun. I hate guns. They are so fucking boring, and I’m always disappointed when I see them in horror movies. Come up with something awesome, people! Put the gun down, and grab the samarai sword. Please and thank you.
So what are your favorite types of kills? Any kills you find dull? Share!

Elements of Horror

I read a few articles about this, but most seem to look into the psychological side of things: what in our psyche draws us to horror. But that's not what I was looking for. So, I'll just tell you what I think the elements of good horror are. Movies don't have to have every single one of these to be good (because that probably wouldn't make much sense anyway), but I think they should have at least a couple.

1. A good (or at least understandable) storyline.
Of course. If we don't know what the hell is going on, we're not going to be interested. I tend to like romantic background stories involving the characters, or some other kind of sob story. It just makes me sympathize with them, and I want them to survive that much more. Plus, there's got to be a good story about the killer(s) as well. I also tend to like sad or traumatic story for them. I like that love/hate relationship I can feel for the killers.

2. Creative kills & lots of gore.
No one wants to see a bunch of people get stabbed in the gut. A knife will get boring after a while, so we need to have some creative and unique kills going on. I think A Nightmare on Elm Street is absolutely fantastic in this category. Since Freddy kills in peoples' dreams, there's literally nothing he can't do, and the resulting kills end up pretty fucking epic. Some people will say that the kills don't matter, and that the story is the most important thing, but that's a load of horseshit. The story is important, yes, but without those awesome kills why bother coming back for more? And yes, I'm a gore whore, so the bloodier and more vicious the better.

3. Lighting
I realize not all horror relies on creepy lighting, but I love the effect it can have. Something popping out of shadows, or being barely visible, or maybe just slightly blurry. I also like the kind of dark lighting a lot of supernatural horror has. It just adds a little oompf to what is already a good movie.

4. Music.
Yes, yes, yes. Think about it. There's a woman hiding, the killer is close by, and about to sneak up on her. It's something very simple, and if it is completely silent, the tension will be gone. The suspenseful music just makes our hearts beat faster.


_{I think Asian horror is very good with all of this (except the titties). Their use of lighting is amazing, the storyline is always good and the villains (or ghosts, usually) are always sympathetic. And they're always just downright creepy as hell.}

5.The setting.
It really does matter where a movie takes place. Some places just aren't scary (even though I realize some movies actually succeed in making non-scary places scary). I always like woods, carnivals, and creepy old houses.

6. Titties
Yes, I said it. I know I'm a girl, but I grew up watching 80s slasher movies. I'm set in my ways, and I stand firm by my belief that if I don't see titties, it ain't a horror movie. Not literally, of course, but it just kind of makes everything better. Everybody loves some good T & A.

7. A good villain.
This might be the most important. I already said that the killer must have a good story, but there are other things that make a good killer. He (or she) should have some sort of thing. Like, he always chains his victims up, always takes their eyes as trophies, or always jacks off over his corpses. It doesn't matter. He needs some kind of constant thing. He also must be vicious, unstoppable, and just downright awesome. He doesn't have to be super strong, but if he's not he should be super smart. If he doesn't rely on his strength to get good kills, he should rely on his brains.

8. Good victims.
Some people might say, "Who cares about them, they're going to die anyway." But it's very important. They should be likeable and interesting. Otherwise, we won't give a shit about them and the whole movie will be ruined. I've watched several movies with completely dull, and the whole thing was ruined for me. So the other characters are very important.

9. Scary moments.
This one's simple. It's those oh shit moments, the ones that make you want to jump out of your seat or shit your pants. The moments that shock & awe you and leave you on the edge of your seat begging for more. I love it.

10. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
Most of my favorite movies include all of this. It's typical, but it works. There's usually a group of people getting fucked up, partying and getting it on. It's all fun and games and then BAM! A bunch of dead fuckers.

11. Comic relief.
I love when a horror movie has a certain character that is fucking hilarious. That way we can laugh, get scared for a minute, laugh again - at least until the funny-man is killed. Think of Ned in the first Friday the 13th. He was silly and made us laugh all the way until he was killed. In A Nightmare on Elm Street, the comic relief happened to be the killer, which gave us a strange but wonderful feeling. In The Evil Dead, it was the hero that was our funny-man, and we all severely love him for it. It's kind of like life. There's got to be some entertainment and some funny stuff amidst all the horror.

My Favorite Horror Characters

I don't really feel like watching any movies tonight, so I'm going to keep it simple with a couple of lists.

Top 5 Horror Monsters

5. Ghosts/Spirits

I'm not a huge fan of ghosts/possessions and the like, probably because I'm not a believer in the supernatural. It just seems too far fetched for me. But there are times, when a movie is done incredibly well, that I do end up liking them. I think 13 Ghosts is my favorite of these kinds (the remake, because I didn't much care for the original).

4. Vampires

There's something special about vampires. They're beautiful and seductive, yet powerful and deadly. There's something magnificent about a creature that you know is dangerous, but you are drawn to them for that reason. I think this makes them, possibly, more dangerous than any other - because, unlike killers or zombies, we don't want to run away from them immediately.

3. Killer Clowns

I was afraid of clowns when I was younger; now I love them. There's something extremely creepy about them. It's a creature that is supposed to be silly and make children happy. But here's one that's smiling while it's ripping your guts out. Eek!

2. Zombies

Mhmmm. I have always loved zombies. There is something incredibly sexy about them, even though they are completely disgusting. Their skin is rotting and falling off, and most of them are missing half their bodies. But somehow I'm attracted to them. Maybe I've got necrophilia-like tendencies in my subconscious. Who knows? All I know is that I will always love me some zombies.

1. Slashers/Serial Killers

Perhaps the only thing sexier than a zombie is a psychotic serial killer. Crazy people have always been sexy to me. The crazier they are, the more I want to rip their clothes off. I know, I have problems, but I'm okay with it. The man in the photo is Albert Fish, one of the most infamous serial murderers in history. If you know anything about this man, you know that he was CRAZY AS FUCK. No, I don't think he's sexy, but that's only because he's old. But there's something so awesome in the simplicity of a serial killer. They're not creatures or ghosts or undead; they're just crazy fucks who can't help but to kill people.

Top 10 Horror Villains/Monsters

10. Michael Myers

I know I bitched about Michael in my review of Halloween, but that doesn't mean I completely despise him. I know my friends will be surprised as hell to see him on this list, but I just can't leave him off. He's an important figure in horror, and since I understand that, I can't help but respect him. Also, I'll get some shit for this, but I like Rob Zombie's version of Michael much better than the original. I know, I know - please refrain from throwing rocks at me. But that's just my opinion. Rob made Michael into a more sympathetic character, and honestly scarier. So that's why Mr. Myers made it onto my list.

9. Leprechaun

I'm not sure this guy has an actual name, but Leprechaun works well enough. I know he's silly. But he's so funny, cute and fucking gruesome that I can't help but love him. Also, I love any and everything involving Ireland and Irish heritage, so this is nice for me. I love this little guy!

8. Tarman

I'm not really sure what makes Tarman so special. He didn't really have a giant part in Return of the Living Dead, being that he was just another flesh-eater. Or, in this case, brain-eater. Perhaps it is the fact that he introduced the whole zombie-screaming-out-for-brains thing. I'm not sure. But what we have here is basically a skeleton covered with oozy gunk yelling, "BRAIIINSSS!" every time he is on screen. I don't know what makes him special, but he is very special indeed.

7. Pennywise the Dancing Clown

I don't usually like adaptations of Stephen King's books, but this one is different. It's probably because I saw the movie well before I ever read the book. But either way...IT is my all-time favorite book, and one of my favorite movies. I do believe they did a pretty good job with it, especially compared to some others I've seen. Pennywise the Dancing Clown - in book OR movie form - is creepy as hell. And funny! The only hard part is figuring out which way Tim Curry is more frightening.

6. Chucky/Charles Lee Ray

Most killer dolls are lame as shit, and all the ones I've seen cannot hold a candle to our dear Chucky. He's so cute, yet he's so fucked up and vicious. And as a redhead myself, I'm glad to see one who quit taking shit and got his revenge. Of course, that wasn't his motive, but still. It's nice to see a vicious, fucked up redhead that no one would fuck with.

5. Ghostface

I love Scream. It's nice to see that, in my generation, a good horror movie can still be made. It is simple and wonderful. And Ghostface is amazing. "What's your favorite scary movie?" I think it's great that he quizzes his victims before killing them, and I can only hope that when he decides to call my house, I'll be informed enough to live.

4. Toxie

Okay, he's not a villain. But he is a monster from a somewhat-horror movie. He is the monster hero, and we need to have a good guy among all these assholes, right? I think so. I love Toxie because he was a goofy, nerdy nobody who was turned into a deformed creature. Or as he says in the movie: "A hideously deformed creature with superhuman size and strength." Or, we can go with the tagline of the novel: "He was 98 pounds of solid nerd until he became The Toxic Avenger." Either way, Toxie is the shit.

3. Victor Crowley

Hatchet is wonderful in this day and age because, like Scream, it goes back to the simplicity of horror movies of old. Well, not that old. It calls itself old-school horror, because it uses the formula from the '80s movies I love so much. And Victor Crowley is such a sympathetic villain that I can't help but love him and want to give him lots of hugs. Plus, he's played by Kane Hodder. I mean, come on! How can I not love him?

2. Freddy Kreuger

Of course, the dream demon Freddy Kreuger could not possibly be left out. NOES is an amazing series, because it literally could have gone ANYWHERE. There's nothing they couldn't do with the movies, the kills or Freddy himself. The thing we love most about Freddy is his sense of humor. He succeeds in cracking us up and scaring the shit out of us at the same time.

1. Jason Voorhees

No one saw that coming, right? Of course, you should be able to tell by now that I FUCKING LOVE JASON VOORHEES. I don't want to go too much into it right now, because I have plenty of time for that every Friday. But I will say this: I am absolutely certain - without a doubt - that I will marry this man one day. And we will have beautiful little mongoloid children and go on family killing sprees.