#341 -- Texas Chainsaw (2013)

Director: John Luessenhop
Rating: 4 / 5

I want to start off by saying that I'm not a TCM uber fan. It's not because I don't like it; it's just because I haven't seen all the movies. I've seen the original, and the 2003 remake. I loved how the original was filmed, and how Tobe Hooper directed it; I thought the remake was okay. So I haven't been all that exposed to the movies or Leatherface. Even if I had seen all those, I'm hardly a purist when it comes to these things (I loved the F13 remake), so I'm sure I'd still like this movie. It's not technically a remake, since it takes place after the events of the first movie; but I'm sure there are some old school fans out there who have a problem here.

So, right after Sally escaped from the Sawyer clan, the police showed up, along with a group of angry townspeople. Those townspeople burned the house to the ground, presumably killing everyone inside. There were two survivors: Leatherface, and a little baby girl. Two of the townspeople took the baby and raised her as their own daughter, named her Heather, and she grew up without having the slightest idea of who she really was. That was, until she got a letter saying that her grandmother had passed away -- a grandmother she didn't even know existed. This grandmother had left her house to Heather, and she and her friends took a little road trip to see the place. Along the way, they picked up a cute hitch-hiker (after hitting him with their van; and he actually paid them to give him a ride.) who would prove to be not quite as friendly as they'd thought. When they left to get something to cook for dinner (which he paid for), he decided to steal everything valuable in the house. That led him to the basement, through the wine cellar, and down to the dungeon where Leatherface lived. He was killed, and the maniac was set loose once again.

The main thing people have a problem with is the time line. Heather was born in 1974, right after all those events took place. She couldn't have been older than twenty-five, so realistically speaking, the movie couldn't have taken place any later than '97 or so. But everything was extremely modern. Since the movie did seem to take place in 2012, she would have to be somewhere in her thirties. People have a problem with this, but I don't. I could tell myself that, maybe these fancy cell-phones and things could have been around back in '97 (after all, I was only seven years old then; I don't have a clue what cell phones looked like then), but that's not really necessary. I do believe that Heather could have been in her thirties. The actress who played her is twenty-six, so it's not too far off. Besides, people do tend to look younger than they actually are. I'm twenty-three, people tell me I look fifteen. It happens, people! Besides, this is a horror movie; often times, while watching horror movies, you have to force yourself to believe things that you otherwise wouldn't. It's normal. I really don't understand why there's such a big issue here. Well, scratch that. It's a modern day sequel to a classic movie that everyone loves. People are bound to look for things to bitch about, and I guess they couldn't find anything else.

My point is, I really don't give a shit about the time line being unrealistic. The biggest issue I ever have with a horror movie is that it's boring. If it's exciting, has a decent story and good characters, I'm behind it. I don't care how contrived it seems; if it's done well, I'm cool. And I think this one was very well done. The crew behind the movie knew their stuff; they were either big fans of the movies or they did their research. With the film-making, it was pretty true to the original. And they threw some things in there that should have made fans giggle (I know I did...). Like Officer Hooper, and the fact that the lady who played Sally in the original was Heather's grandmother. And Gunnar Hansen, the original Leatherface, was a white-haired member of the Sawyer family here. I thought it was cool. There were other small things about the movie that I liked as well. Like the fact that Heather knew absolutely nothing about her blood relatives, yet she still grew up to be a butcher. It's in their blood.

I don't know how he was portrayed in all the other sequels, but what I know from this and the original (I don't remember anything about that remake in 2003), makes me really love Leatherface. In the original, his family forced him to do the things he was doing. They were rude to him, and I can assume that he suffered childhood abuse. He wasn't "all there," and he didn't know any better. He thought what he was doing was normal, and that all these people were hurting him for nothing. In this one, someone said that he had the mind of an 8-year-old trapped in that big 'ol body. It's really sad if you think about it. He's only doing what he was taught to do, and everyone hates him for it. A few other things I really like about Leatherface: he has his priorities straight (family comes first), and he gives absolutely zero fucks. He will chase a bitch out into town with his chainsaw blaring and not think twice about it. I know he's not the brightest guy, and he probably, literally, doesn't think about it. But I think he's a badass. That was what I liked about him in the original, and they kept that going here. He actually chased Heather to a carnival and sent all the patrons fleeing. Most other killers would lurk in the shadows and wait. Not Leatherface!

But what it really comes down to is the fact that the movie was entertaining. The action was pretty much non-stop, there was a decent amount of gore (which I always love), and that family bond that Heather and Leatherface shared was touching. Seriously, I thought I was going to cry. So the times aren't realistic; I can live with that. So the characters did a few things that don't make sense. Because horror movie characters are always smart about the decisions they make. I can live with that too; we all can, because we have to. It was entertaining, and it stayed true to the only original that I'm familiar with. To me, it's a winner.

#326 -- The Last Exorcism (2010)

Director: Daniel Stamm
Rating: 3 / 5

The reason that I even wanted to see this movie is beyond me. I'm not a fan of exorcism-based movies, and I'm definitely not a fan of this found footage craze going on. But, for some reason, this movie intrigued me. It's probably those scenes in the trailers with that girl all bent up out of shape and looking creepy. Who knows. But I took the plunge and checked it out, even though I was still hesitant. I knew that the worst that could happen was that it would be absolutely horrible, and the best, naturally, that I would end up loving it. Neither of those things happened.

It follows Reverend Marcus, a man who has been in the preaching business pretty much his entire life. His father was a preacher, so it's only natural that he'd follow in his footsteps. His dad also reveals that exorcisms run in his family; they've been in the family for generations. Marcus is no different; he'd been doing exorcisms for years. When his son was born with an illness, and they weren't sure he would make it, things changed. His son ended up being perfectly fine, but the whole mess caused him to question his faith and what he was doing. He decided to stop doing exorcisms, because they were all scams and he was no longer into tricking people that way. So, he hired a film crew to follow him on his "last" exorcism, so that he could show them all his tricks and prove that they were, indeed, fake. He would actually rig things very elaborately to make these people believe there was a demon in their presence; and he didn't even believe in demonic possession.

So, he and his camera crew ended up at the farm of the Sweetzer family, where Nell Sweetzer was believed to be possessed by some demon. Marcus performed all his fake exorcism mumbo jumbo and had the family believing that all was well. But Nell still showed signs of some sort of ailment. They took her to the hospital, thinking that she was sick. That wasn't it. The Reverend became convinced that her problems were purely psychological, but her father refused to take her to a psychiatrist; he asked for a second exorcism, and threatened to take care of matters himself if Marcus wouldn't oblige. They also learned that Nell was pregnant, and the issue of incest arose. Marcus and his crew were extremely worried about Nell's well-being, as they'd become convinced that her father was sexually abusing her. Even though Nell had proved that she was dangerous, they refused to leave until they could get her away from her father. Of course, her father wasn't the problem here, and more demonic things were going on. His last exorcism ended up being the only one that was actually real.

Overall, I thought the movie was pretty good. The found footage bit wasn't that annoying, up until the end (people running around in found footage movies never looks good). For the most part, it was done in a way that allowed me to forget about it. I also think the actors were really great; they were very natural, and it felt like it was a real documentary. There were a couple of somewhat spooky moments, but I can hardly call it scary. It's not -- at all. The problem was that it was extremely slow. The characters were easy to care for, yes, but after a while it got boring. By the time the action started, it no longer had my full attention. Therefore, I was left feeling a bit confused. I'm not entirely sure if it's because I wasn't paying attention, or if that was the point all along. But the ending worked in its own way, so I wasn't disappointed by it; just confused. I'll definitely have to be seeing the sequel; hopefully it will answer some of the questions this one left me with.

Spoilers after the jump. Continue at your own risk.

#325 -- House at the End of the Street (2012)

Director: Mark Tonderai
Rating: 3 / 5

By now, everyone knows Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games. I think she's a beautiful girl, and I like how she always seems so natural in her acting. Still, I'm not so sure about her yet. I've become familiar with Max Thieriot from Bates Motel, and he's gorgeous as always; plus, he's a pretty good actor as well. In Bates Motel, he plays Norman's slightly less insane older brother, Dylan. Here, though, things are a bit different.

Synopsis from IMDB: A mother and daughter move to a new town and find themselves living next door to a house where a young girl murdered her parents. When the daughter befriends the surviving son, she learns the story is far from over.

What's sad is that the synopsis tells you the entire movie, pretty much. There are some things thrown in for shock value, but even though you might not be expecting these things, they're far from shocking. Jennifer Lawrence plays Elissa, who apparently has a thing for fixing damaged boys. In comes Ryan, the survivor of an apparent slaughter by his younger sister, Cary Ann. He was supposedly away at an aunt's house while this happened, which is the only reason he's still alive. When his parents died, they left him the house, along with some insurance money. When that aunt died, he moved into the house with plans of fixing it up and selling it. That's what he wants everyone to think, anyways.

When Ryan first shows up, I really couldn't help but love him. He's so darn cute, and he was so sad and sweet. I really loved Elissa as well; the rocker chick who was sweet and quick to make friends. I was really rooting for them as a couple. But, of course, everyone has secrets. Ryan's secret was that he was keeping Cary Ann in the basement. She was supposed to have run off into the woods after killing their parents, but no one really knew what happened to her. Some thought she'd died, and some others thought she had become a wild-woman, living in the woods and keeping to herself. It had become a legend in only four years.  Ryan tells Elissa that Cary Ann had an accident when they were children that caused her to have brain damage, which was why she was so psychotic and always trying to escape. She wasn't all there, and he was only trying to protect everyone by keeping her locked up. The plot thickens, though, as more of Ryan's secrets are revealed.

As far as technical things go, it was pretty good. There was very little blood, so there wasn't really a need for special effects. The movie looked good, especially with all those attractive young faces, and the actors were all good. The problem was that there wasn't all that much to it. There were a couple of jump-scares, but they weren't chilling or creepy -- just surprising. Things sneaking up on you but not actually scaring you. There was practically no suspense whatsoever, even in the "build up," and the big reveal at the end was not original at all. I'll tell you this: It's Psycho meets Sleepaway Camp. There, I've ruined the ending for you.

Spoilers after the jump. Continue at your own risk.

#320 -- Hold Your Breath (2012)

Director: Jared Cohn
Rating: 3 / 5

I first found this movie in Wal-Mart's little five dollar bin. I thought it sounded interesting, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to shell out the cash to buy it. Sure, it's only five bucks; but I'm a cheapo, so I've got to be absolutely sure about something before I'll buy it. A couple of days ago, I realized it was available for instant streaming on Netflix, so I didn't have to buy it after all. Though it's definitely not a terrible movie, I'm kind of glad I didn't buy it that day. It's not bad, but it's definitely not a movie that I'd be dying to own.

It's about a group of twenty-somethings getting together after being apart, I assume, since high school. They were on their way to a campground way out in the woods (a campground you can just drive right into without paying -- the kind I need to find!). Automatically, we know that this is not a good idea, even if we know nothing about the movie at all. But the first of the movie showed us a deranged serial killer being fried in the electric chair (but not before killing a warden as a last "fuck you!" to everyone), so we know it's going to have something to do with him. On the way to the campground, they passed a little cemetery. One of the girls made everyone hold their breath, because of an old superstition that the evil spirits buried there would be able to possess them if they didn't. Everyone agreed to appease her, except the token stoner, because he was too busy choking on marijuana. The evil spirit of that serial killer possessed him, and later made him murder a police officer. Every once in a while, the spirit would jump between their bodies, making it impossible to fully trust any of them.

There were a few different locations present here. One, of course, was their campground. They explored an old abandoned prison in one segment, which was the best. I thought they should have used that location more. They eventually met up with an ex-security guard of the sanitarium where the killer had been. He was the typical character who knew absolutely everything about their situation, and he promised that, if they did everything he said they'd be able to get rid of the spirit and save their lives.

I want to take a moment to explain my rating system. In most systems, a three-star rating means "I liked it." At least the systems I'm used to. But here's how mine works. 1 star - I hated it. 2 - I didn't like it. 3 - It was okay. 4 - I liked it. 5 - I loved it. So, that's why so many movies here have three star ratings, because most of the movies I've been watching lately are simply okay. There's nothing about Hold Your Breath to make me absolutely hate it, or to say that I didn't like it. It had an interesting story, though the characters were bland (I'm used to that, though, so that's nothing), and it never actually bored me or anything. The problem with these movies is that they lack something that I just can't explain. That, and the fact that they always fail to blow me away. So, if you should decide to give this one a go, you'll be entertained for a little while. You won't necessarily regret watching it, but you won't seek it out for a second viewing.

#319 -- A Little Bit Zombie (2012)

Director: Casey Walker
Rating: 3.5 / 5

When I found this movie on Netflix, what I expected was a fun and quirky ride. Zombies are a fairly easy subject to turn into comedy, and I've seen several very good zombie-comedies. I expected no differently from this one.

What got me was when Netflix told me about the main character trying to fight becoming a zombie. I expected some funny shit to go down while this guy was resisting the virus. The movie started off with a couple of zombie hunters being all bad-ass like they're supposed to be. The woman had some kind of orb that could alert them to the zombies' locations. While they were fighting zombies, a mosquito wandered in and sucked one of the zombies' blood. In an awesome transition scene, it ended up following a group of kids to a cabin out in the woods. They were Steve and his fiance Tina; Steve's sister Sarah and her husband Craig. While trying to break up a fight between Sarah and Tina, Steve got bitten -- several times -- by the zombie mosquito. This is how he became a member of the undead. Meanwhile, the zombie hunters' orb started acting funny. The woman was certain that this meant there was a hybrid somewhere -- someone who was resisting the infection -- and that finding them could mean finding a cure. So they set out on a search for Steve.

Steve definitely had a time of figuring out what was happening to him. At first, he just thought he was sick. Sarah was sure that it was his body's way of telling him he shouldn't marry Tina. But every time anyone said the word "brains," he dropped about a gallon of drool into his lap; when the zombie hunters showed up, he hid and considered the fact that, maybe, he was a zombie somehow. They ended up going to a redneck meat market, where all sorts of animal brains were available for sale. They bought 'em all. Steve felt better for a while, but a book from the zombie hunters gave them said that his system would always reject animal brains. He needed a human. So the girls dressed up like hookers, went to the local bar, and picked up the biggest guy they could find. Steve wasn't a very good zombie, though, because he just couldn't bring himself to kill.

There are definitely some funny bits here. Eating rattlesnake and skunk brains is one thing. Steve having his ear stapled back to his head is another. But my favorite was when he said he didn't think he could eat a woman. This gave Craig an arsenal of jokes about Steve being a gay zombie. Great stuff.

I can't find a whole lot wrong with this movie. The actors were great. Some might say they were over the top, and I would agree, but I believe that their performances were purposely hyped up. The effects were great, especially the transition scenes with the mosquito in the beginning. The soundtrack was wonderful, and I'd love to get my hands on it. The zombie hunters and their orb gave the whole thing a kind of mystical feel, and there were definitely some laugh out loud moments. It's a great movie for some light entertainment, but at the end of the day, I just felt like it wasn't as good as it could have been. It wasn't the best of its kind that I've seen, but it's definitely an entertaining show.

#316 -- Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

Director: Bradley Parker
Rating: 3.5 / 5

At first look, the story here seems extremely interesting. The idea of abandoned towns is intriguing on its own, but add in a group of people apparently experiencing some horrible things there, and you've got the potential for something really great. I was really interested in Chernobyl Diaries when I first saw an ad for it, but I put off watching it because I thought it was a found footage movie -- which is something I'm never all  that fond of. But I took the plunge and realized that it's actually not, which was good. I also realized that it's a pretty good movie.

A group of friends were travelling through Europe when they were talked into taking an extreme tour of the town that was abandoned by the Chernobyl disaster. The group was led by Uri, who specialized in extreme tours. At first, it seemed like an average tour through an interesting part of the area's history, and Uri assured them that they would be safe. The soldiers that were guarding the area, however, thought differently. They wouldn't allow them to enter; but Uri wouldn't let that stop him. He took them to a different entrance out in the woods, and they began their tour. Surely, the fact that their tour guide wasn't allowed to enter should have been there first sign that it wasn't such a great idea; but they were looking for an adventure, and an adventure was what they were going to get. When car trouble prevented them from leaving, Uri went out searching for some help and was killed by a pack of radioactive dogs. One of the others was injured by the dogs, making it impossible for him to do much of anything. Once the rest of the group realized just how dire their situation was, they went out in search of help as well. Along the way, they discovered that, along with the radioactive dogs, there were apparently radioactive people as well. It became a struggle to find their way through the city that became a maze, all the while trying to avoid the dogs and zombie-like creatures.

All of that is great, but I feel like the movie wasn't as good as it could have been. The so-called radioactive dogs just looked like normal German Shepherds. It never gave a really good look at the people, so I'm not sure what they looked like. I can only assume that they were zombies, because...well, I like zombies. You can make your own assumptions on that point. Other than that, I was entertained by the movie. The characters weren't the best, but they were good. There was the soon-to-be-engaged couple, the big brother, the newlyweds, and of course, the loner. One half of the soon-to-be-engaged was played by Jesse McCartney, so I was destined to root for him. I spent a good two or three years of my life (from around ages 9-12) dreaming about going to New York and making him fall in love with me. So, there's that. His big brother was played by Jonathan Sadowski, who was in the newest Friday the 13th. Naturally, that gave him a special spot as well. But it wasn't just who they were that made me like the characters. I actually did like these two guys. Chris (McCartney) was the sweet one, getting ready to pop the question. He and Paul had the typical big-bro/little-bro relationship, and I think they did a really good job. The rest of the characters were okay, but my main focus was on these two.

A lot of people seem to have issues with this movie for different reasons. How it was made, or the fact that it was based on such a tragic event. None of that matters. I had some issues with it as well, but they were far from major. What it boils down to is entertainment. I never lost interest, and it kept me wanting more. The ending, though not at all what I'd hoped for, made sense and worked perfectly with the story. So, at the end of the day, Chernobyl Diaries was a success in my eyes.

#315 -- The Final (2010)

Director: Joey Stewart
Rating: 4 / 5

I was interested in this movie the moment that I happened upon it. The idea of nerds getting revenge on the cool kids has always been something that piques my interest, probably because it's something I've dreamed about for pretty much my whole life. I was on the receiving end of quite a lot of shit-talk and teasing back in middle and high school, so I know how it is. It wasn't as bad as what these kids got, but it wasn't always pleasant either. The worst I got was a bunch of guys driving by and pelting water balloons at my house. And getting shoved into a wall by some guy I'd never even seen. Other than that, it was mainly just insults shouted across the hallway or classroom that really didn't even bother me. Oh, I'm a freak? Cool. I'm weird? Thanks! I'm a dyke? You're just jealous 'cause I get more girls than you do. That kind of stuff never really bothered me. The physical torment, though limited, is what got me, not because it made me feel bad, or because it made me sad; but because it just pissed me the fuck off. I don't know you, so don't fucking touch me, asshole. But anyways...The point is, I understand being angry with people for treating you like an outsider and tormenting you just because you're different. Though I only daydreamed about sweet revenge once, and I never seriously considered getting even with any of those people, I definitely understand where these kids are coming from. Those cool kids made their lives a living hell. They made them wish that they'd never been born, and all for what? Shits and giggles. It didn't benefit them at all, and it made these kids feel worthless just because they weren't what was considered "normal." They didn't deserve it. They'd done nothing to warrant the way these people treated them. Was torture a reasonable response to this? Well, they certainly thought so.

The group consists of Dane, Andy, Jack, Ravi, and Emily. They each have their own little quirks; in other words, they each have a unique reason to be constantly tormented. They get their revenge by way of a Halloween costume party. They send out anonymous invitations to the kids that tortured them, knowing that they'll jump on any chance to get fucked up and/or laid. The popular kids don't know anything about the party or who is throwing it, but they don't care. They only have one thing in mind here: having fun. But their fun is short-lived when the alcohol supply is spiked with some sort of drug. They all wake up, chained to the floor, and are each subjected to a different form of torture. Most of the torture is purely physical -- a kind of lotion that eats away at the flesh, having needles shoved into various parts of the body, etc. -- but some of it is mental torture as well. At one point, a boy is forced to cut off a girl's fingers, with the promise that if he does so, he will be spared. It is obvious that the outcasts have spent quite a lot of time planning this little party.

The movie does have a kind of spooky feel to it, mostly due to the costumes that the outcasts choose to wear. Dane wears a big gas mask, Emily wears a plain white one; Jack dresses as a scarecrow, Ravi is an evil clown, and Andy is what looks like a Nazi soldier. They're creepy, I'll give them that. But there's no fear factor with this movie, at least not for me. I was rooting for these kids. I saw what they went through, I've been through it myself, so I wanted them to have their peace of mind. In the real world, I don't think anything justifies torture. But this is a movie, and I wanted those assholes dead just as much as the outcasts did. Don't get me wrong though. Don't think that I'm complaining at the lack of scariness. I'm not. It was actually a really great movie and, even though I understood what they were doing, it was a bit unnerving to see such young kids doing such horrible things -- and with such skill! You'd think they'd been doing it for years. But no, they had been through a meticulous planning stage that was unseen to viewers. That much can be assumed.

This isn't a visual horror movie. Though seeing these kids in their costumes doing these horrible things will leave you with a weird feeling in your heart, that's not what it's about. It's a mental horror movie. It will make you feel uncomfortable in spots, and you might feel weird for being on the side of the so-called "bad guys." But I think that's the point. The kids, though they're doing unspeakable things, aren't meant to be the bad guys, which is interesting. The bad guys are the ones who pushed them to that extreme limit. I believe it's also a morality tale. Be careful who you tease and torment. If you bully the wrong person, you just might end up in the middle of nowhere, chained to a floor and missing half your fingers.

#312 -- The Clinic (2010)

Director: James Rabbitts
Rating: 3.5 / 5

These days, I'm a little hesitant when it comes to surgery/hospital based horror movies. I haven't seen that many of them, so I'm not entirely sure why I'm so against them to begin with. I think it's because I'm afraid that something Human Centipede-esque is going to happen. Thankfully, this one wasn't anything like that. To me, it felt like Hostel meets The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

It took place in 1979, several years before the invention of DNA testing, which proves to be a crucial plot point. We meet Beth and Cameron, an engaged and pregnant couple on their way visit Beth's parents for Christmas. When they're run off the road by an old, rusty ambulance, they decide to stop and rest for the night at a shady motel. In the middle of the night, Cameron leaves to search for a snack, and when he returns, Beth is gone. The police are no help, nor is the equally shady manager of the motel, so Cameron takes matters into his own hands. He ends up pulling a gun on the police officer, stealing his car, and crashing it right before he can get to Beth.

So, where is Beth? She's at the clinic, of course. Her baby has been prematurely removed from her and hidden away in the clinic. She wakes up in a tub of ice, discovers that her child is missing, and goes on a search to find it. Along the way, she meets up with three other women in the same predicament. They are, for the most part, certain that their babies are alive and somewhere in the building, and their main priority is to find them. Everything turns out to be a sort of twisted game. Inside their bellies is a tag which matches the tags on their babies. Since there is no DNA testing at this time, the only way to figure out which baby is theirs, they have to remove the tags from their stomachs. There is another woman somewhere in the building who is on a mission to kill all the others, in order to provide a process of elimination to discover which baby belongs to her.

There are several different elements at work here. I mentioned two other movies earlier; allow me to explain my statement before you get too angry at my comparisons. It feels like Hostel for more than one reason, one of them being quite obvious: that the women wake up in strange places and in very strange and dangerous predicaments. The other reason you will discover once you watch the movie for yourself (I don't want to spoil the ending). Now, it feels a bit (only a little bit) like TCM because of the "everyone's in on it" aspect of it. The police, as well as the motel manager, knew everything all along, and they played a role in things in the end. That is where the comparison stops. The Clinic doesn't feel like a copy-cat at all. It has its own ideas, it works on its own merits, and it's definitely an enjoyable ride. I'm simply trying to give you an idea of what you're getting into.

This is not a scary movie, do not be mistaken. It is disturbing in some ways, but mostly...it's just sad. I'm not even a mother yet, but I could feel the women's horror and fear for their children. Most of them died with no way of knowing whether or not their babies would survive. Each and every one of them had one single dying wish: take care of my baby. It's a deeply terrifying thought: to create this beautiful little person, and then to be shoved into a terrible situation with no way of protecting it. It also proves just how strong a woman can be when the thing she loves the most is in danger; the lengths that a mother will go to in order to ensure the safety of her child.

The ending, while somewhat awkward and nonsensical, works in its own way. It raises some questions about the rest of the movie, but it makes enough sense as to not ruin it entirely. It ends on a neutral note that is both happy and depressing. It is not a perfect movie by any means. It has its plot holes, and it raises several questions when everything is said and done. It might leave you questioning the intelligence of some characters and the morals of some others. But in the end, all of those things can be forgiven. What this is, is a deeply disturbing movie that will give you a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach -- especially if you're a woman, and even more so if you're a mother.

#311 -- Abraham Linclon: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Director: Timur Bekmambetov
Rating: 4 / 5

I knew going into this that it was based on a book. I haven't read the book, but that told me one thing: that it was at least going to be a unique and interesting story. But I honestly didn't know what I was getting myself into. It turns out, it's actually a really great movie, and it was more than I imagined it would be. I took more from it than I would have expected.

I'm not an expert on Abe Lincoln. I know as much as every other regular person out there, and that is just what I remember from high school. Not much. He freed the slaves, and he wore a funky hat: that's just about it. But still, I feel like the people making the movie knew a lot about him. Even though I know practically nothing, I feel like most aspects of his life were adequately portrayed. I could be wrong. They could have been wrong. There could be Lincoln experts out there seething at how wrong they were. But none of that matters. Here, Lincoln is simply a fictional character based on a real man. Sill, I feel like Lincoln's story was told properly; just with a few extra little details thrown in.

As a young boy, Abe saw his mother murdered. He grew up with anger and hatred in his heart, and once he reached adulthood, he vowed vengeance on the man who committed the crime. He met with a man named Henry who informed him that the murderer was a vampire, and Henry taught Abe the ways of slaying. As with any job, the job of vampire hunter came with a few rules. Abe could only kill the vampires that Henry told him to kill, and none other. Henry obliged only so that he could wait until the day that his mother's murderer's name appeared on his list. Abe lived as a hunter for a while, and eventually learned that there was another evil he wished to destroy: slavery. He thought that, the best way to destroy this particular evil was with words rather than his axe. So he became president. The war began. The confederate army was full of vampires, and soldiers were dying left and right. It wasn't until Abe's son was killed the same way as his mother that he decided to take matters into his own hands. He picked up his axe once more and joined in the war himself.

Now, that's the basic premise of the movie; but naturally, there's much more to it than that. I don't want to spoil it, because it's something that you should experience on your own. It's full of love, betrayal, murder and heartache -- as are most vampire movies. The historical aspect of it only makes it more interesting, because you understand that most of these things actually did happen. So, here's what the movie did for me. It made me appreciate Honest Abe even more. I know it's sad, because I should have greatly appreciated him to begin with, but it is what it is. Secondly, it turned Abraham Lincoln into a sex symbol. Yes, I said it. I'm probably the only one who thinks this way, but bear with me. Physically, Benjamin Walker, who played Abe, is kind of cute. But that's not what attracted me to him. He was fucking bad-ass. The way he could swing that axe around was absolutely amazing. He was a great fighter. Plus, inside of the axe was a hidden gun. That just makes him even more bad-ass. Here, I was under the impression that Abraham Lincoln was a peaceful man (which, in reality, he probably was), but this fictional version of him could kick some serious vampire ass. Doing that in a suit and a funky top-hat just made it even better. Remember that commercial about the game "Apples to Apples", where it showed their version of "sexy Abe Lincoln"? Imagine that, just less goofy and with a big 'ol axe in his hand. I'm sure I'm not the only freaky horror girl out there who would find that sexy.

I'm rambling, I apologize. Anyways, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was, indeed, a very good movie. It was equal parts action, horror, romance and historical fiction. It had an interesting story which married reality with fantasy, and the vampire aspects of it actually made sense when linked with real events. Again, I haven't read the book, but I can only imagine that it's ten times better. So I definitely have to read it. I had high hopes for this one going into it, but I never imagined that I would like it as much as I did.

#310 -- Sinister (2012)

Director: Scott Derrickson
Rating: 3 / 5

Horror movie are really good at creating trailers to reel people in with false hopes that they'll be scared shitless. I know that's the point of a trailer, and I'm glad that they're able to do this, for their own sake's. But sometimes it can be downright annoying. When I saw the trailer for Sinister, I knew that I had to see it. I was sure that it was going to be different from all the other shitty horror movies that come out these days. I just knew that it was going to be genuinely scary. Sadly, the scariest part of the trailer turned out to mean nothing at all in the actual movie. That's not to say that Sinister is a bad movie; it's just not at all what I'd hoped it would be.

Ellison Oswalt was a true-crime novelist who moved into a house where murders took place in order to do research for his newest book. He apparently had done this several times before; sometimes, he found clues the police had missed and helped solve the crimes, and in other cases his antics let killers go free. His last success was around ten years ago, and he was convinced that this one could be his comeback. This explains why he continued with his research even after everything went extremely wrong: he was obsessed. He had access to a bunch of home movies which showed exactly how a set of families were murdered in their homes. I'm not sure how he gained access to these films, since the police department (the sheriff, at least) absolutely refused to help him. I think he might have found them in the home's attic and checked into them just because. In each case, every member of the family was killed, except for one child, and that child was never seen again. Slowly, Oswalt began to link each murder together, proving that they were all committed by the same person. Or at least, that's what he thought. The main thing he noticed in the films was a ghostly figure that appeared in the shadows, as well as a strange symbol that was always painted somewhere in the families' homes. He did some research, got some professional help, and discovered that this "ghostly figure" was actually a demon called Bughuul who stole children's souls by way of digital images. Once a person saw him in the images, he was able to jump from his dimension to theirs.

All of this is very interesting. It sounds like an old folk tale or something, but as far as I can tell, Bughuul  was created specifically for the movie. I was hoping this was a real myth, so I could do some digging and come out with something cool. But I applaud them for coming up with an original villain. Sinister works on certain points (several, actually), but it fails in the most crucial way. It does't rely only on jump-scares, as most ghost/haunting/demons movies do, which is always nice to see. There are a few of them thrown in, don't get me wrong, but it mostly relies on things that disturb you rather than scare you shitless. The old films of the families getting murdered were, indeed, quite sinister. They were disturbing to Oswalt as well as viewers. They were also creepy, artistic, and very well done. The characters were engaging as well. Ethan Hawke was great as the obsessed writer losing touch with reality and slowly losing his mind over his work. I could understand him. He was also very jumpy and easily spooked, which offered some comic relief (not that it needed any..) I could also understand his wife, Tracy, who was exhausted with him. I was actually worried about their marriage, which is a shocker. Most horror characters --aside from the villain--are extremely bland.

Even though the old films were great, they were used for too long. It was slow going, and it took a good while for anything to happen in Oswalt's reality. And once the line between the dimensions was erased, things got cheesy. The ghostly children showed up in Oswalt's house, but it looked like there was a slumber party going on and his kids' friends were trying to scare him. The kids weren't spooky at all. And that is where the movie fails. It's just not scary. Though it has a good idea and does a lot of things right, it just fails to offer up any real scares. It wasn't quite disturbing enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth. It didn't keep me up at night. It didn't make me hide behind my pillows with my heart racing. In the end, even though they did some things right, what they created was a forgettable horror movie that really tried.

#308 -- Yellowbrickroad (2010)

Directors: Jesse Holland & Andy Mitton
Rating: 3 / 5

Contains spoilers

I had this in my Netflix queue for a long time before I actually watched it. I thought it sounded interesting, but I wasn't sure about it. Then I started reading some reviews, and it seemed like people really liked it, so I checked it out. I'm on the fence about it, and it turns out, so it the horror population as a whole. Some people love it, and some people hate it, while most others just don't get it. I get what it was trying to do; I just don't understand the point.

So, here's the story. Back in the 40's, an entire town wandered into the woods, never to be seen alive again. Some bodies were found, but most of the people seemed to have disappeared. In the present day, a team of professionals ventures deep into the same woods to try and uncover the truth behind the mysterious disappearance. The start on a trail known as the "Yellow Brick Road," and things go downhill from there, for both the characters and the viewer.

It's definitely an interesting concept, and the obvious nod toward The Wizard of Oz makes it even more so. As these people are in the woods and start to talk about things, they start to come up with some theories. They believe that those people thought that, at the end of this trail, there was some sort of Wizard that would grant their wishes. Mass delusion, or something. There's one other nod toward Oz, where a recently murdered girl is strung up on a post wearing a straw hat. Also, once they reach a certain point into the wilderness, they start hearing old-time music that cannot be explained. They're terrified of it at first, but they grow accustomed to it, and eventually learn to love it. When it disappears at random times (only to return later), they miss it. They also hear other sounds that destroy their ears and their ability to hear anything else. There's also something in those woods that makes them lose their minds and want to murder each other.

Again, it's a very interesting concept, but it fails on one main aspect: it doesn't bring anything together or provide an adequate ending or explanation. It builds up some great tension, as we're sure we're going to discover something great about the people who wandered into the woods all those years ago. We're sure we're going to discover something amazing and creepy about what lurks in those woods, and what drew those people to leave everything behind in search of something unknown. We're drawn to the characters in front of us, as we watch their mental states deteriorate. We're sure that something great is going to happen, but it never does. The way it starts off, it feels like a ghost story. The music the explorers hear in the woods hints that, maybe, the souls of those people are still present in the woods. Or perhaps it was the music that drew those people into the woods, and it is what is leading our team to their destination. The thing is, I'm not sure. The fact that these people started losing their minds and doing terrible things to each other also makes no real sense in the scheme of things. Lunacy can't be what drew those people into the woods back in the 40's, but it could be why they were never seen again.

At the end of things, it feels like there was no real supernatural or mysterious thing going on at all. These people were in the wilderness, worlds away from civilization, and this caused their minds to unravel. That is all. No wizard at the end of the yellow brick road; no supernatural entity bringing these people to an untimely demise. Just a bunch of people, lost in the woods, who go crazy. And that is why it was disappointing for me. It has a great lead-up, with potential for some great things, but it falls short. The music is never explained, nor is the town's mysterious disappearance. In the end, one man reaches a final destination, which is a ghostly movie theater where he is forced to see his dead wife on the big screen. Whoop-de-doo. I feel like Yellowbrickroad could have been a great movie if it had a proper ending with something that made all of the weird occurrences mean something. But in the end, it feels like a documentary about what happens when a group of people are kept away from civilization for a long period of time. Despite its amazing build up, great production values and talented actors, it falls short and fails due to its lackluster ending.

#306 -- Madison County (2011)

Director: Eric England
Rating: 2.5 / 5

When I first saw this, I thought it looked pretty cool. I thought it would be a nice kids-in-the-woods slasher movie, good for some mindless entertainment. Also, there's a Madison County here in Georgia, where I live, so that drew me to it as well. I never had any hopes that it would be mind-blowing, and I was right. It was actually filmed in Arkansas, so I can rest easy knowing that these people weren't shit-talkin' us Georgians. Just southern people in general, I guess. These kind of movies make me wonder if non-southerners are scared of us.

Anyways, the story isn't all that original; it's something we've seen hundreds of times before. A guy decides to go to Madison County to interview the author of a book about some murders that happened there. The legend was that this killer murdered around thirty people; the townsfolk knew about the murders, some even witnessed them, but they never said a word about it. James plans on writing a paper about the book, and he takes some friends along. Once they get there, they meet the creepy locals who don't want any outsiders in there town, and they soon learn that the author knew the killer a little better than they'd thought.

The so-called "twists" were predictable. The characters were also fairly predictable, but it did do some new things that I didn't expect--mainly the fact that the nerdy guy was the only one getting laid. The order in which the kids were killed also felt different to me. If you watch enough movies like this, you can pretty much predict the order they'll die, but this one switched it up on me. All of the characters were likable. There wasn't even that one character that you hate and want dead --there was one that acted like an asshole sometimes, but his reasons were understandable, so I didn't hate him for it--so it was really easy to root for them. I liked the killer here, too. His name was Damien, he had apparently been beaten and tortured by his stepfather as a child (leaving him horribly disfigured, though we never got to see his face), he wore a big pig mask and carried an axe. The pig mask might sound cheesy, but it actually looked pretty neat. It succeeded in being creepy rather than stupid.

I was really enjoying the movie up until the end, because it really didn't have any. There always has to be a main character, and in this case that was James. There was another character with him at the end, but we never learned what happened to them. It cut off before letting us know if they got away or not. I was really disappointed by this, because I felt like the story was incomplete. Sometimes that sort of thing works, but not here. It only left me wanting more. I was also disappointed in the fact that there wasn't all that much gore. The story wasn't deep or profound or all that creepy, so I think it definitely needed more blood. It's not a big problem, definitely not as big as the incomplete ending, but just something I found disappointing.

Overall, though, I thought it was a fairly decent movie with good characters and a creepy killer.

#303 -- The Possession (2012)

Director: Ole Bornedal
Rating: 2 / 5

The first thing you'll notice when watching this movie is that it claims to be "based on true events." That's not really surprising, as most ghost stories claim the exact same thing. I did some research, though, and it turns out, it kind of actually is. There was a box (known as the Dibbuk Box) selling on Ebay that was supposedly haunted. It was originally owned by a Jewish woman who survived the Holocaust; it kept changing hands, each person who owned in claimed that they experienced nightmares, health issues, and sometimes death around them. It eventually made its way to a man named Jason Haxton who wrote a book about the things he experience while in possession of the box. It all comes down to what you, personally, believe. I don't know how much, if any, of that I believe. But it does mean that the movie was at least partially telling the truth. I've made it a mission to find and read "The Dibbuk Box" by Jason Haxton, so that I can see just how truthful the movie is, but I have a feeling that the events in the movie were only loosely based on the things that actually happened.

Anyways, here's what the movie is about. A man, recently divorced, gets to have his two daughters every weekend. After buying a new house, he stops at a yard sale to see if he can find some new dishes. One of his daughters, Emily, finds a strange box that she is very drawn to. He buys the box for her, and she becomes obsessed with the thing. She won't allow anyone else to touch it, and if they do, she gets extremely violent with them. Eventually she even starts getting violent with her family. She stabbed her dad with a fork, and threw a bunch of glass at her mother. But that was pretty much where the action ended. The main reason they were concerned with her to begin with was that she was acting weird, unlike herself. They just decided to get her some help when she started being mean. Her dad, who was a basketball coach, went to a professor at his college to have him inspect the box. He learned that it was a Jewish device used to contain demons, that it should never be opened (which of course, Emily did), and that the only way to get rid of the demon (and save his daughter) was to get the demon back into the box. To New York he goes, to find a rabbi who can help him.

All of that sounds interesting enough, though I still feel like the "real" story is more interesting. The movie, though it had an interesting story, was incredibly boring. It mostly consisted of Emily getting distant from her family and friends and her obsession with the box. By the time there was any action, half of the movie was over; and when that action took place, it wasn't that great. I've already stated two of those things above, and there was only one more to speak of. The ending scenes, where the rabbi was trying to help them get the demon back in the box, were more comical than anything. It wasn't exciting; it wasn't scary. It had an interesting story, but I'd much rather read Jason Haxton's version of things. What's sad is how much I was looking forward to seeing the movie, and how disappointed I was with it. I was hoping for some real scares, even if they were cheesy or cliche; but there were no scares at all.  I will say that once the demon had fully taken over Emily, it looked pretty cool. So, there's that...

#302 -- Circle (2010)

Director: Michael W. Watkins
Rating: 2 / 5

I'll be honest. Going into this, I didn't actually want to watch it. I wanted to watch something, I was resting comfortably in my bed, and I didn't feel like moving an inch; so I started searching through my On Demand. I looked over this one more than once, and I thought it seemed like it would be predictable, and I wasn't all that interested. But of all the movies I looked through, it looked the most promising -- which is pretty sad. Plus, I saw that Silas Mitchell was in it. I've come to really enjoy him, so that at least gave me some hope. But this is a case of having a lot of great things to work with but failing to create an outstanding product.

It's about a group of students that I assume were in college studying to become criminal psychologists. A class project sent them to the childhood home of a guy named Bennett (Mitchell). This guy had murdered five people, I think. He was arrested and sent to a psychiatric hospital. The students' assignment was to stay in the house for the weekend to get a feel for how Bennett thought; to get a peek inside the mind of a serial killer. They also hoped to find something that the police overlooked, so that they could get some major brownie points. But little did they know, Bennett had escaped from the institution, and was making his way back home.

The very basic premise sounds an awful lot like Halloween, but don't expect it to be a rip-off, because it's not. I think that these people might have been inspired by Halloween, but it's actually nothing like it. There was a back-story on Bennett that I didn't really understand. He had arranged all of his victims in a half-circle, because that's the shape of an eyeball and apparently the Greeks thought that would...be really cool. Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention, or maybe my volume was too low, but I actually have no idea what Bennett's deal was. The movie followed a couple of cops trying to find him, and to figure out exactly what it was he was doing so they could prevent him from doing it again. They found, in his room at the institute, that he'd drawn all sorts of symbols on the walls. The doctor said that she'd been interpreting it, and that she'd sent her notes over to the cops; but in the end, she decided not to share them, so we never got to learn what it all meant. I'm not sure what the point of all that was, other than to prove that Bennett wasn't an idiot, because he certainly seemed that way to begin with. I think the idea was interesting enough, but there wasn't enough explanation to make it work. I had a problem with the way the cops operated, as well. When they figured out a key point to Bennett's story, the audience wasn't clued in at all. There was no lead-up and no allowing us to figure it out along with them. Suddenly, they knew something, and we just had to accept it. The problem was that it didn't make enough sense for me to accept.

Though I obviously had some issues with the movie, I do think it had some good things going for it. First of all, the actors. Most of them I had never heard of, but they all worked really well together, particularly the policeman and the female FBI agent. I was kind of disappointed with Silas Mitchell, though. I don't fault him for it at all, but I feel like he was downplayed. Since he was the main reason I even watched the movie, I felt like there should have been more for him to do. His character hardly ever spoke, and when he did, he spoke in Greek. He wasn't creepy at all; he just sort of sulked off-screen and we hardly even saw him. He is such a talented actor, and I don't think they used his talents to the fullest extent. It took way too long for him to actually kill anyone, and when he did it was either off-screen or so excruciatingly forgettable that it was upsetting. I was hoping to see him play a bad ass serial killer who seriously fucked shit up, but I didn't get that at all. There were absolutely no memorable kills and practically no blood and gore to speak of. Oh yeah, back to the good stuff. I think the movie definitely looked good. It wasn't mind-blowing, but it didn't look homemade either, which is always good. Silas wore these light blue/gray contacts that made his eyes really pretty, and sadly, that was the most memorable and exciting thing in the entire movie. I loved his eyes, and his hot brother had the same eyes; yum!

Overall, it was just an okay idea. It had some good things to work with, but nothing ever panned out. It was a bloodless and brainless movie that tried to be smart and scary; and it failed on both accounts.

#299 -- The Devil's Carnival (2012)

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman
Rating: 3 / 5

I didn't know anything about this movie going into it. I found it on Netflix, and I thought it sounded interesting. The synopsis Netflix gave me was something along the lines of lost souls being trapped in hell, forced to face the sins they committed. It sounded pretty cool. But, little did I know, it was directed by the same guy who directed Repo! The Genetic Opera. I didn't like "Repo," so if I had known that going in, I probably would have been more hesitant about it. On the other side of things, if I'd known that he also directed three Saw movies, I probably would have been more hopeful; I probably would have also been more disappointed. Anyways, the point is, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I saw that Emilie Autumn was one of the stars, which intrigued me. I don't know that much of her music, but she does have one song that I happen to love. Seeing her name should have given me a little hint as to what I was getting into, but I guess I'm naive. I had no idea that I was about to watch a musical. The lead singer for one of my favorite bands, Five Finger Death Punch, was also in the movie; but I didn't care for his part, or the song that he sang, which is a huge disappointment.

What Netflix told me was pretty much spot on, because that's pretty much all there is to it. At the beginning, we see three people die. One was John, who committed suicide in his bathroom for unknown reasons. The second was Tamara, who was apparently murdered by her abusive boyfriend or husband. The third was Merryweather, a jewel thief, who we can assume was killed by police once they caught up with her. The movie is narrated by The Devil, who tells the stories from a book of Aesop's Fables. John wanders around Hell looking for his son, though I have no idea what his son might have been doing there. I think that maybe his son had died, and that was the reason that he killed himself. The Devil did say something about him giving into grief, so it makes sense. But toward the end, it hints that maybe John hated his son and wished that he'd never been born, so again, why was he looking for him in Hell? I'm not sure if his "sin" was the hatred for his son, or the simple fact that he committed suicide. I don't understand why Tamara was there at all. Again, it looked like she was killed by an abusive man, so why should she be blamed for that and sent to hell? Once she got there, she met a guy they called Scorpion. He asked for her help, and promised to protect her. Once he gained her trust, he killed her. This is the fable that I actually recognized, "The Scorpion and the Frog." I guess her sin was that she trusted people too easily, but is that really a sin at all? Merryweather was understandable. She was a thief, she was greedy, and no matter how much she had, it was never enough. She lost everything gambling to gain more possessions.

I didn't really understand the story. I didn't get why these people ended up there, and I didn't understand the things that happened to them once they were in Hell. There was also very little character development. That, and the fact that their stories were impossible to understand, made it very difficult to care at all. The musical aspect of the movie was better than the story, though not by much. They sounded good, and all of the singers were talented; but the songs weren't catchy enough to love, and they were hard for me to understand without looking up the lyrics. Even then, I didn't get the point that they were trying to make. Visually, the movie was incredible. It was all cast in an eerie red lighting, to create more of a Hellish atmosphere, and it looked wonderful. The carnival setting was absolutely beautiful, and all of the demons were great. There were also some ladies dressed like little gothic dolls, and they definitely were easy on the eyes. I was engaged throughout the movie, and interested in seeing where it went next. But sadly, it didn't really go anywhere.

Overall, I think it was a good idea that didn't quite work out. I liked the premise, but it was too hard to follow and I didn't understand the story it was trying to tell. I liked it better than Repo, but not by much. In fact, I feel like I'm reviewing Repo again, because I said basically the same things about it: good idea, but it didn't play out all that well. But with The Devil's Carnival, I at least didn't feel annoyed at the musical aspect of the movie. So I guess I've go to give it props for that.

#294 -- Scary or Die (2012)

Directors: Bob Badway, Michael Emanuel & Igor Meglic
Rating: 3 / 5

You, like me, might be drawn by that fucking awesome clown on the cover of Scary or Die. And once you watch it, you'll be surprised to find that it's not one of those instances of the cover looking way cooler than the actual movie. Well, at least the clown bit. You might be a little disappointed by the movie as a whole, but if you don't take it too seriously, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's an anthology movie with five separate segments, one of which acts as the wrap-around story for the entire thing.

The Crossing is about a couple of rednecks who act as vigilante border control officers. They abduct Mexican immigrants (and I assume those of hispanic heritage that aren't immigrants at all), return them to the border, and kill them as a warning to those who wish to cross in the future. They're hoping that one day, they'll get the picture and stop coming into "their country." They're real assholes, and it's impossible to care about them at all. Anyways, during this particular trip to the border, some home-made booze gets spilled onto the graves of the fallen immigrants, and this wakes them up. You can guess that they're not too happy about the way they've been treated, and being under the ground for so long has made them hungry. This bit was okay, and I think it acted as more of cultural satire than horror. There are actually a lot of people out there who think this way. The zombies weren't the scary part; you'll actually find yourself rooting for them since the two main characters are such dickheads. The scary part is the way these guys act. Once the zombies start rising, you'll get to see all the people that they've killed, and some of them are children. That's the scary part for me -- that someone would actually murder children simply because of the color of their skin.

Re-Membered is a story about a hit-man who gets more than he bargained for when he is sent to kill a person who I can only assume was a satanist. It shows him cutting this guy up in his bathtub, stuffing him in a bag and throwing him into the trunk of his car. He then starts driving toward an unknown destination, and he keeps hearing a mysterious tapping coming from his trunk. He goes to check it out, finds the body exactly the way he left it. He continues driving, still hearing the noise, and goes to check a second time. This time, the body is gone, and in its place is a note that reads "You can't kill me." I didn't like this one as much as the first, which says a lot, because I didn't like the first one all that much either. I think it could have been better as a full-length movie, or even if it had just a little more time to develop the story. If it told us more about the man that the hit man killed, his history and just why he was being sent to kill him, it could have been interesting.

Taejung's Lament is about a man whose wife died recently. He is very lonely, lives a dull and sad life, and can't seem to pick himself up. One night, he sees a pretty girl walking down the street; they exchange smiles, and it's made obvious that she might be able to help him get over the loss of his wife. But before anything of significance can happen, the girl is kidnapped by a stranger. Taejung uses his cell phone (stuffed into the gas tank of the stranger's car) to track them down, and he saves the girl. She invites him to her apartment for a party, but once he gets there, he realizes that he should have left things alone. The man who abducted the girl was none other than Van Helsing, and this party he is attending is about to get a little out of hand. This one's interesting enough, I guess, but it's the worst of the bunch. The majority of it just shows Taejung walking around and looking sad. Once it gets to the good stuff, it ends. It's too much build-up and not enough pay-off.

Clowned is the best in the collection, which is why it's featured on the cover, I'm guessing. It's the longest of the bunch, which allows it to give us a better, more complex story. It's about a guy named Emmett who gets bitten by a clown at his little brother's birthday party. Afterwards, he starts feeling a little funny and can't seem to get enough to eat. He starts getting sick a lot, but that's only the beginning. Eventually he starts to grow really quickly, causing him to wear funny-looking clothes (because they're the only ones that will fit him) and bigger shoes. His skin also starts to turn colors, and he grows a white afro. He tries to live with it for a short period of time, but when he starts to develop the urge to eat his little brother, he decides it's time to split. He runs away, lives his life like a bum, and tries to resist the urge to eat people. But of course, cannibals will be cannibals...I think the effects in this one were wonderful. I loved the way the clown looked -- with his giant mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth, his weird clothes and that sack he wore over his head. He was genuinely creepy. But not scary. Sure, he ate some people, but they all deserved it. It wasn't just a story about a killer clown; it was a story about a man who is forced to abandon his family for their own safety. He has to run away form his mother, his little brother, his girlfriend, and the unborn child that he doesn't know about. It's a very sad story, and I really enjoyed it.

Lover Come Back is the last, and shortest, in the collection. It's about a woman whose husband became extremely abusive and murdered her. He stuffed her in a box and left her out in the woods. But this woman's grandfather was a master of black arts (or something like that), and as a young child he'd given her a special power. It was something like this -- if there was love in her heart, that love would never die. Even though he was abusive, she still loved her husband. So, she died with that love still in her heart; meaning that she wouldn't die. She came back to get her revenge on him. This one tried to act as a wrap-around story, but ti didn't really succeed. The whole reason that these stories were being strung together was because someone was watching them online. They're separated by a gnarly-looking hand surfing the web and clicking on links that led to the clips. The lady in this short ended up being on the other end of that hand. It's interesting enough, but the wrap-around aspect of it didn't make much sense. The point of a wrap-around story in an anthology is to bring all the separate stories together and make them click. This one didn't do that. There was  no reason that the woman was watching these clips, and it didn't do anything for the rest of the stories. Plus it was so short that it felt completely pointless.

Overall, Scary or Die is an okay horror anthology. It's got some interesting bits, but it's nothing that will leave you breathless. Clowned was great, but the rest were only so-so. Still, it wasn't a complete time-waster, and if you're like me, you'll come away from it at least a little bit entertained.

#281 -- Asylum Blackout (2011)

Director: Alexandre Courtes
Rating: 2.5 / 5

Ugh. That is all I can say. I hate when movies have potential, succeed in ways, and then completely destroy themselves by the end. The idea of Asylum Blackout is an interesting one. It's pretty much the same as Medium Raw, a movie I reviewed not too long ago.

It's about a group of musicians working as cooks in an asylum for the criminally insane. One night, all the lights went out and the inmates escaped from their rooms and started a riot. It's a pretty simple story that could be downright terrifying if it was done properly. Sadly, it wasn't done properly here. The main issue I have with the movie is that it's confusing. At the end, I was left with more questions than answers, which is always disappointing. If I'm to be completely honest, though, I was left with all questions and no answers. The ending made absolutely no sense whatsoever, and the viewer is left with only theories to explain away what happened.

There were a couple of occurrences that hinted at what would happen in the end, but none of them panned out. First, there was George, the main character. At the first of the movie, as he was cutting some meat, he badly cut his finger and bled all over the raw steak. I thought, "Oh, something's going to happen with his blood in that meat." Later on, George had to go to work early in order to receive a shipment of meat, and the meat was kind of weird. They were shocked and confused when they realized that the chickens still had their heads attached, and the delivery man just said, "Oh, that's how they do it now." Also, I noticed that the boxes the meat was held in was dripping. It might have been blood, though I'm not sure. It was just something else to leave me confused.

There was on particular prisoner, Harry, that seemed sort of weird in the way that he was oddly drawn to George. At one point, George saw him convince another inmate to spit out his medication, and it can be assumed that he did this with several other (or all...) inmates. Throughout the movie, George was absolutely certain that Harry was the one behind all the riots and everything, and I was pretty quick to go along with him. There were scenes with Harry overseeing acts of torture and murder, and scenes where he was personally torturing George. But then there was a scene that implied George had been dead the entire time.

And then there's the ending...There's practically nothing to it, or at least it seemed that way to me. It was jumbled, weird, and made no sense. Maybe the director had some sort of artistic vision that just didn't transfer to the screen. I'm not sure what it was supposed to mean, and it seems like no one else is either. There's a thread on IMDB dedicated to discussing the confusing ending, which is where I got the few theories that I have. Before reading that, I was absolutely stumped. I had no clue. It seems to me that they were going for a sort of Shutter Island type of deal. That maybe George had been crazy all along, and was simply imagining everything. Maybe he was Harry, and he simply created this alter ego in order to take the blame off himself. But again, I honestly have no clue. I will admit that I was also confused by Shutter Island (both the book and the movie), but those were confusing in an intriguing and amazing sort of way. Not a "what a waste of time" sort of way. Shutter Island will make you think. Asylum Blackout will leave you feeling nothing.

I applaud the director for attempting to create an artistic movie that's different and unique. But it failed to relay its message to the viewer. It left me feeling confused and angry for wasting my time with it. But I watched in on my VOD, so I really didn't expect it to be anything but mediocre.

Plus side for the ladies: you'll get to see the hot guy naked.