#342 -- Cut (2000)

Director: Kimble Rendall
Rating: 3.5 / 5

It's funny how you can choose a movie for weird reasons that aren't always good. I definitely didn't choose this one because I thought it sounded great. My boyfriend thought we'd already watched this, but I didn't. He was thinking of a movie called Skeleton Crew, but he didn't believe it. So, we started the movie to see who was right. I was, of course, but that's not the point. See, it's funny because you can choose a movie you might not necessarily think is going to be good, and then it is. If you choose a movie you expect to be great, it usually isn't. At least, that's my luck most of the time. Cut isn't the best movie, not even one of the best, but it's good; I didn't really expect that.

It was filmed in Australia and Germany, with a mostly Australian cast; but there was one person that I recognized -- Molly Ringwald! She was older, and blonde, so it took me a minute to recognize her; but I was happy to see that she was actually one of the main players. It's sad how no one seems to care about her anymore; I actually like her. Kylie Minogue was also in it for a little while. I'm not really familiar with her (I know the name and one of her songs), so I didn't recognize her at all until I saw her name on IMDB. Anyways...It started off with a horror movie being filmed, and Molly was its star. It was something about a man who had been horribly burned and went around killing people. Well, the actor who played the killer wasn't very great in the director's eyes, and she planned to fire him. He didn't like that, so he killed her. He also killed some other man and attempted to kill Vanessa (I'll try to refer to her by her character's name, rather than Molly...); thankfully, she was able to defeat him with a swift kick to the nuts and a pair of garden shears . Needless to say, that movie was never finished.

Fast forward to twelve years later, and a group of film students decide to finish the film. As they're doing research, they learn that there's a curse on the movie: anyone who tries to finish it dies. That doesn't stop them, of course, because they're quite determined. The director has some personal issues with the movie, which aren't exactly shocking, but you'll get over it. Sure enough, once they start production, people start to die.

There are plenty of red herrings here. We argued throughout the entire movie, because we each had our own theories on who the killer was. Each was cleared, however, and it left us scratching our heads wondering just who the fuck was under that creepy mask. It made for some suspense that a lot of movies I've seen are desperately lacking. So, it's got that going for it. The characters were just okay; some were well developed and likable, while some others were just background players. The most we knew about most of them was who was fucking who, and who everyone wished they were fucking. But that's all we need to know, I guess, since society is obsessed with sex. I did like the killer, and I thought the mask was creepy though it was simple. There were also some good kills going on, though most of them were offscreen or hidden. The ideas of those kills were great though -- like a girl having her head cut off by a motorized saw. I'm guessing that budget issues kept them from being able to show these kills in all of their glory, which I think is better than showing us something that looked tacky and horrible.

I know the story doesn't sound all that unique, but it actually kind of is. There's a twist at the end that I, personally, wasn't expecting. Once it started to be implied and theorized, I hoped that it wasn't true, actually. I wanted things to go one way, and they didn't. But once it all happened, I was actually glad for it. It was different, and they went a different route than I thought they would. It's not your typical slasher movie.

But, really, it all comes down to one thing: was it interesting? Well, I'll tell you this. We were only going to watch a few minutes of it, to determine whether or not we'd already seen it. We ended up watching the whole thing. That's got to mean something, right?

#341 -- Texas Chainsaw (2013)

Director: John Luessenhop
Rating: 4 / 5

I want to start off by saying that I'm not a TCM uber fan. It's not because I don't like it; it's just because I haven't seen all the movies. I've seen the original, and the 2003 remake. I loved how the original was filmed, and how Tobe Hooper directed it; I thought the remake was okay. So I haven't been all that exposed to the movies or Leatherface. Even if I had seen all those, I'm hardly a purist when it comes to these things (I loved the F13 remake), so I'm sure I'd still like this movie. It's not technically a remake, since it takes place after the events of the first movie; but I'm sure there are some old school fans out there who have a problem here.

So, right after Sally escaped from the Sawyer clan, the police showed up, along with a group of angry townspeople. Those townspeople burned the house to the ground, presumably killing everyone inside. There were two survivors: Leatherface, and a little baby girl. Two of the townspeople took the baby and raised her as their own daughter, named her Heather, and she grew up without having the slightest idea of who she really was. That was, until she got a letter saying that her grandmother had passed away -- a grandmother she didn't even know existed. This grandmother had left her house to Heather, and she and her friends took a little road trip to see the place. Along the way, they picked up a cute hitch-hiker (after hitting him with their van; and he actually paid them to give him a ride.) who would prove to be not quite as friendly as they'd thought. When they left to get something to cook for dinner (which he paid for), he decided to steal everything valuable in the house. That led him to the basement, through the wine cellar, and down to the dungeon where Leatherface lived. He was killed, and the maniac was set loose once again.

The main thing people have a problem with is the time line. Heather was born in 1974, right after all those events took place. She couldn't have been older than twenty-five, so realistically speaking, the movie couldn't have taken place any later than '97 or so. But everything was extremely modern. Since the movie did seem to take place in 2012, she would have to be somewhere in her thirties. People have a problem with this, but I don't. I could tell myself that, maybe these fancy cell-phones and things could have been around back in '97 (after all, I was only seven years old then; I don't have a clue what cell phones looked like then), but that's not really necessary. I do believe that Heather could have been in her thirties. The actress who played her is twenty-six, so it's not too far off. Besides, people do tend to look younger than they actually are. I'm twenty-three, people tell me I look fifteen. It happens, people! Besides, this is a horror movie; often times, while watching horror movies, you have to force yourself to believe things that you otherwise wouldn't. It's normal. I really don't understand why there's such a big issue here. Well, scratch that. It's a modern day sequel to a classic movie that everyone loves. People are bound to look for things to bitch about, and I guess they couldn't find anything else.

My point is, I really don't give a shit about the time line being unrealistic. The biggest issue I ever have with a horror movie is that it's boring. If it's exciting, has a decent story and good characters, I'm behind it. I don't care how contrived it seems; if it's done well, I'm cool. And I think this one was very well done. The crew behind the movie knew their stuff; they were either big fans of the movies or they did their research. With the film-making, it was pretty true to the original. And they threw some things in there that should have made fans giggle (I know I did...). Like Officer Hooper, and the fact that the lady who played Sally in the original was Heather's grandmother. And Gunnar Hansen, the original Leatherface, was a white-haired member of the Sawyer family here. I thought it was cool. There were other small things about the movie that I liked as well. Like the fact that Heather knew absolutely nothing about her blood relatives, yet she still grew up to be a butcher. It's in their blood.

I don't know how he was portrayed in all the other sequels, but what I know from this and the original (I don't remember anything about that remake in 2003), makes me really love Leatherface. In the original, his family forced him to do the things he was doing. They were rude to him, and I can assume that he suffered childhood abuse. He wasn't "all there," and he didn't know any better. He thought what he was doing was normal, and that all these people were hurting him for nothing. In this one, someone said that he had the mind of an 8-year-old trapped in that big 'ol body. It's really sad if you think about it. He's only doing what he was taught to do, and everyone hates him for it. A few other things I really like about Leatherface: he has his priorities straight (family comes first), and he gives absolutely zero fucks. He will chase a bitch out into town with his chainsaw blaring and not think twice about it. I know he's not the brightest guy, and he probably, literally, doesn't think about it. But I think he's a badass. That was what I liked about him in the original, and they kept that going here. He actually chased Heather to a carnival and sent all the patrons fleeing. Most other killers would lurk in the shadows and wait. Not Leatherface!

But what it really comes down to is the fact that the movie was entertaining. The action was pretty much non-stop, there was a decent amount of gore (which I always love), and that family bond that Heather and Leatherface shared was touching. Seriously, I thought I was going to cry. So the times aren't realistic; I can live with that. So the characters did a few things that don't make sense. Because horror movie characters are always smart about the decisions they make. I can live with that too; we all can, because we have to. It was entertaining, and it stayed true to the only original that I'm familiar with. To me, it's a winner.

#331 -- The Slaughterhouse Massacre (2005)

Director: Paul Gagne
Rating: 2 / 5

So, I went to Movie Stop the other day because I realized that I hadn't bought anything new in a while, and I wanted to add something to my collection. I decided to buy one that I'd seen and knew I liked, and then one that I hadn't seen. So, I bought Dead Silence, and...this. Thank goodness it was only $2.99. I walked out of the store hoping that it would be good, but knowing deep down that it probably wouldn't. Mostly because on the cover it boasted that it was "more terrifying than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," and that it was "the scariest movie of the year!" If it was really any good, it wouldn't be comparing itself to something else. But...why compare your shitty movie to one that people around the world have come to absolutely cherish? That's just dumb. But I digress...

Let me break it down for you. The story of the killer is broken into different parts in the movie, so you find out new information a little at a time. But I'll just let you in on the whole sorry mess right now. Marty Sickle (clever, right?), who worked at the slaughterhouse, raped and killed some girl. Everyone knew he did it, but due to lack of evidence, he was set free. The girl's boyfriend and his jock friends decided to take matters into their own hands, so they went to the slaughterhouse to get some revenge. They hanged Marty over a tub and left. But the rope broke, and Marty fell into the water. Uncomfortable, probably, but very much alive. A little while later, a couple decided to go into the slaughterhouse to have sex (because to the girl, the idea of making love where defenseless animals were murdered was extremely arousing). Marty came out of the shadows, killed the guy, and the girl took his head off with a machete.

The first scene in the movie was that couple getting freaky next to the tub. The scene took about ten minutes. Then it cut to ten years later, and a group of college kids had decided to go to the slaughterhouse. By then, Marty was an urban legend. They said that, if you go to the slaughterhouse, at the exact place where he died, and say a rhyme ("Sickle once, Sickle twice, Marty came to take a life," or some stupid shit like that) three times, he'd rise up from the tub and kill everyone. So, the guys thought it would be funny to get one of their friends to put on a costume and jump out at their girlfriends to scare them out of their bras and panties. But the thing is, it took them for-FUCKING-ever to even get there. There was a ridiculously long party scene (a very boring party, by the looks of it; I thought college kids were experts on this...) that was absolutely pointless, and then they finally made their way to the slaughterhouse. They did their little rhyming game, but their stoner friend (whose name was, literally, Stoner) was too busy -- you guessed it-- getting stoned in his car outside to remember that he was supposed to be doing something. That was his role throughout the entire movie, by the way: getting stoned in the car. He did nothing else until the last ten minutes. Anyways, when they started to hear creepy things, the guys just thought it was Stoner doing what he was supposed to be doing. It wasn't, of course, and it turns out that their little rhyme actually worked.

Looks more like a pedophile than a psycho-killer...

When I started to get really bored and looked at the timer, I realized that nearly an hour had went by, and nothing had happened. It took about ten minutes for those kids to die at the beginning. The party scene was about twenty minutes, and I think fifteen of those focused on two naked chicks making out. Then, once they finally left the party, they spent 5-10 minutes wandering around an abandoned town, with the final girl whining constantly about how she wanted to go home. So, that's approximately thirty/fourty-five minutes. At about the fifty minute mark, someone finally got killed, and by that point, I would have been happy with someone falling down and bumping their head. The kill was actually pretty decent, but it only got worse from there. And, after wasting so much time developing characters that still remained underdeveloped, they actually killed one person offscreen. After wasting our time, they had the balls to not show us everything, those fuckers. The entire movie was about an hour and a half, so you can see how long any real action took place. Actually, scratch that. There was no real action. The so-called action sequences were rushed and half-assed and didn't look good at all.

Let me go back to that final girl. I hated her. She was annoying as fuck, and all I wanted was for her to shut the hell up. I actually liked her best friend more; but she, for some reason wasn't final girl material. I guess because she didn't rope her cheating boyfriend into proposing to her by telling him she was pregnant. The movie wasn't that bad, technically speaking. The kills did look cheesy, but I've definitely seen worse. It was just too slow, boring, and had too many scenes that made absolutely no sense at all (like the girl taking her skirt off at the end, for no reason whatsoever). It boasts that it's scarier than TCM; but it's just a shitty rip-off that tried to be good and failed miserably.

#330 -- Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Director: Robert Hiltkiz
Rating: 4 / 5

One thing you should understand about this movie: it's really not all that good, technically speaking. There's not a whole lot of action and the kills are kind of dull; plus, the main character is a weirdo. But, dammit, it's entertaining and I love it. I'm not the only one who loves it, so you can't blame it on my soft spot for summer camp horror. It's genuinely an awesome movie.

The two main characters are Angela and Ricky. Angela's father and brother were killed in a horrible accident when she was little, and she went to live with her super creepy aunt and Ricky. Auntie sent them away to camp Arawak, and that's when things got sticky. Angela was not a normal kid by any means, which I guess is understandable after all the trauma she'd been through, with watching her family die and everything. She never spoke, never participated in any activities, and for a good chunk of the movie all she did do was stare at people. Definitely not your average kid, which is why all the other kids liked to pick on her. They were absolute pricks to her, which kind of pissed me off. Sure, she was different, but that doesn't give you any reason to be so mean. The only person who actually got to know her was Ricky's best friend, Paul. He had a little crush on her, and they ended up having their version of a summer fling. He was the only person that could get her to talk. It was sweet.

Let's get back to everyone picking on Angela; whenever this happened, they died. The first person you'll actually be extremely glad about. From the moment they arrived at camp, you could tell this guy was a pedophile. He actually tried to molest/rape Angela, and he ended up with a huge barrel of boiling water dumped on him. Good fucking riddance. Since the murders happened after someone had done something wrong to Angela, it's pretty easy to guess who the killer was; it was one of two people. I could tell you which one, and it wouldn't ruin the ending at all, but I won't do that. I'll let you figure all that good stuff out for yourself.

The kills really aren't anything special, which is extremely unfortunate. If they had been, this movie would be right up there with the rest of my favorites. The one memorable one was when it was implied that a girl was fucked to death with a curling iron. I'm not sure if that was the intention, or if that's what actually happened, but...it sure as hell seemed like it. And that's just hilarious. Other than that, though, they're pretty bland. The characters are another story altogether. You'll be creeped out by Angela, but feel sorry for her at the same time. You'll love Ricky because he's so sweet and protective; plus he's got a mouth on him that would make a sailor blush. Paul was also a sweetheart, and you'll love the cute little relationship that he and Angela had. The rest you'll probably hate. They were all dickheads. When they were killed, even if the kills were a bit dull, you'll love it just because it means they'll finally shut the fuck up. So, the characters were interesting and easily evoked some kind of emotion, whether it was good or bad.

But none of that even matters. The best part of this movie is the ending, and that's what makes it so popular. There's a twist that you will not expect at all, and it's just so fucked up that you can't help but love it. Plus, it's the scariest part in the whole movie. It genuinely creeps me out. And it's so messed up you won't know whether you want to laugh, cry, or puke all over everything. So, if you can make it to the end (I'm making that sound like a more difficult task than it is; it's not that bad), you definitely won't be sorry.

#329 -- My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Director: George Mihalka
Rating: 3.5 / 5

I'm feeling kind of weird about this movie right now. I saw it many years ago, and I loved it. All this time, I've been thinking it was amazing. Now that I've watched it again, it's not as good as I remember it. I guess it's because, now, I've seen so many horror movies that it's easy to find flaws in them. But, I still really enjoy this movie, flaws and all.

It takes place in a small town called Valentine Bluffs. Naturally, this town has always been very much into Valentine's Day. There was a hundred-year-old tradition of holding a dance on the 14th, but one day, that tradition died -- along with several townspeople. There was a cave-in at the mine, leaving several workers trapped. When the rescue team finally got to them, they found only one man still alive: Harry Warden. After having been down there for a while, his mind was unraveled just a little bit. They found him munching on someone's arm. When he got out, he killed several people in the town, including the supervisors who I assume were supposed to be watching them and making sure they were safe (instead, they were at the dance). Since they failed him, they had to die. After he killed, he would cut out his victim's heart and send it in a little heart-shaped package with a warning: to never hold the Valentine's Day dance ever again. The town heeded that warning for twenty years, until one year, they decided to hold the dance again. Harry was, after all, locked away in a mental asylum, so they figured they were safe. Of course, as you know, they were dead wrong.

Just as all the festivities were coming together, people started getting murdered. The only person who believed Harry was back was a crazy old bartender. No one believed him, and instead chose to laugh in his face. If only they had listened...of course, if people in horror movies listened to the crazy old man, there wouldn't be a horror movie at all. The mayor recognized, a little too late, what was going on, and cancelled the dance. That didn't stop a group of joker miners, who decided to have a little V-Day party of their own. They went to the mines and started their celebrations. Most of them weren't stupid enough to go into the actual mines; they just stayed up top in the bunkers. That didn't save all of them, of course, but it did prevent them from having to be stuck down below in the dark. There were a few of the group that decided to go down in the mines, because the girls wanted a tour of where their fellas worked. They became trapped down there with Harry, desperate for a way out, and trying to escape with their lives.

The part that I like most about the movie is the human hearts sent as Valentine's Day cards. Each one had some kind of note with it. They usually rhymed and were pretty catchy. The kills themselves, for the most part, weren't very memorable; but that aspect of them made it interesting. It succeeded at being somewhat suspenseful, as we wondered if the kids would survive. Since the man's name was shouted all over town, constantly, though, there really wasn't any suspense involving the killer's identity. There was a twist at the end that's not exactly expected; but it doesn't make much sense. That's okay, though. Even though it's flawed, what I like about the movie is the concept. There are a shitload of Christmas horror movies; a couple based on April Fool's, and who knows how many based on Halloween. I've even seen a couple for Thanksgiving. But, if there's another based around the good 'ol Valentine's Day, I'm unaware of it. Besides the re-make of this one, of course. The cool thing about it (just like ones with killer Santas) is that it's just not right. Valentine's Day is the day of love; the couples' holiday. There's supposed to be happiness, warm embraces, and tons of love spread around. It takes that and throws some blood in its face, and I like that. It's different, and it's interesting. It's not a perfect movie by any means, but it's entertaining, and that's what really matters.

Caution, spoilers ahead!

#325 -- House at the End of the Street (2012)

Director: Mark Tonderai
Rating: 3 / 5

By now, everyone knows Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games. I think she's a beautiful girl, and I like how she always seems so natural in her acting. Still, I'm not so sure about her yet. I've become familiar with Max Thieriot from Bates Motel, and he's gorgeous as always; plus, he's a pretty good actor as well. In Bates Motel, he plays Norman's slightly less insane older brother, Dylan. Here, though, things are a bit different.

Synopsis from IMDB: A mother and daughter move to a new town and find themselves living next door to a house where a young girl murdered her parents. When the daughter befriends the surviving son, she learns the story is far from over.

What's sad is that the synopsis tells you the entire movie, pretty much. There are some things thrown in for shock value, but even though you might not be expecting these things, they're far from shocking. Jennifer Lawrence plays Elissa, who apparently has a thing for fixing damaged boys. In comes Ryan, the survivor of an apparent slaughter by his younger sister, Cary Ann. He was supposedly away at an aunt's house while this happened, which is the only reason he's still alive. When his parents died, they left him the house, along with some insurance money. When that aunt died, he moved into the house with plans of fixing it up and selling it. That's what he wants everyone to think, anyways.

When Ryan first shows up, I really couldn't help but love him. He's so darn cute, and he was so sad and sweet. I really loved Elissa as well; the rocker chick who was sweet and quick to make friends. I was really rooting for them as a couple. But, of course, everyone has secrets. Ryan's secret was that he was keeping Cary Ann in the basement. She was supposed to have run off into the woods after killing their parents, but no one really knew what happened to her. Some thought she'd died, and some others thought she had become a wild-woman, living in the woods and keeping to herself. It had become a legend in only four years.  Ryan tells Elissa that Cary Ann had an accident when they were children that caused her to have brain damage, which was why she was so psychotic and always trying to escape. She wasn't all there, and he was only trying to protect everyone by keeping her locked up. The plot thickens, though, as more of Ryan's secrets are revealed.

As far as technical things go, it was pretty good. There was very little blood, so there wasn't really a need for special effects. The movie looked good, especially with all those attractive young faces, and the actors were all good. The problem was that there wasn't all that much to it. There were a couple of jump-scares, but they weren't chilling or creepy -- just surprising. Things sneaking up on you but not actually scaring you. There was practically no suspense whatsoever, even in the "build up," and the big reveal at the end was not original at all. I'll tell you this: It's Psycho meets Sleepaway Camp. There, I've ruined the ending for you.

Spoilers after the jump. Continue at your own risk.

#321 -- Otis (2008)

Director: Tony Krantz
Rating: 4.5/ 5

When I first heard about this movie, I knew it was something that I would love. Or at least, I hoped it would be something I loved. I knew it was about some guy who was abducting girls and keeping them locked up in his basement. It's a very dark subject, but the movie looked silly. In a good way, of course. It wasn't anything like I expected it to be, though. Where I expected a bumbling idiot stumbling his way through abduction after abduction, I got a disturbing and tragic tale that added a few laughs in for good measure.

So, the basic story is fairly simple. There's a guy named Otis, who keeps abducting pretty blonde teenagers and keeping them chained up in some room inside his home. Her name was Riley, but he called her Kim, as he did with all the other girls. He acted like a football player, dressed her up in a cheerleader's uniform, and told her that they would be going to prom together. If she didn't play along with his little "game," she would be blinded and burned by a bunch of light bulbs over her bed, or he would just come in and punch her in the face. The other girls were dumb; Riley was not. She learned, quite quickly, that if she wanted to survive, she'd have to play along.

That's some pretty disturbing stuff. Girls, put yourself in that position. Would you be able to play along with Otis, pretend to be his girlfriend and go along with his prom charade? Or you would do everything physically possible to get yourself out of the situation? A lot of the girls seemed to go with the latter, which is understandable due to stress and fear. But which is worse? To drive yourself crazy with the reality of the situation, or to let yourself succumb to the monster with the smallest amount of hope that you'd come out of it alive? There was no guarantee that Otis wouldn't kill her anyways, but she acted out his will and became someone that she wasn't in order to appease him. I think that, after so much of this, some girls would probably wish for death. If Otis didn't kill her, and she kept playing along, would he let her go free once prom was over? No, certainly not. He'd risk exposure; and he wouldn't let her get away, the one who obliged him and made him happy. He would keep her there, a prisoner of his desires until he was either caught or killed, or both. That could be a long time. Even though it is a fairly silly movie (though not nearly as silly as I thought it was going to be), it does have a grim atmosphere, and the things taking place are very real and very dark.

The entire movie wasn't spent in that basement with "Kim" and Otis. The last half of the movie was spent watching Riley's parents break down, and their search for revenge on the monster who harmed their little girl. I think it goes to show that you can only push people so far until they break, and no matter how much of a monster you (or they) might think you are, they'll return with a savageness in their hearts that you will not be able to destroy. The family was so devastated by Riley's disappearance that they were not only heartbroken and worried sick, but they were absolutely infuriated. Once they discovered the identity of the madman, they'd stop at nothing to see that he was stopped. Prison was too good for him. They fucked it up, which was where the comedy popped up. But that rage was still there, and that emotion was also very real.

Toward the end of her imprisonment, I thought I saw a glimmer of forgiveness in Riley. You could catch her smiling as she was dancing with Otis during their "prom," and I felt like she didn't want her parents to do what they had planned. There was one point, where her brother mentioned Otis raping her, and she said..."He didn't rape me. He wanted to, but he couldn't. He just...danced with me." I think that quote adequately sums up the tragedy that was Otis. He was a monster, there's no doubt about that. But this character was so sad that I felt bad for him. I can see his life as vividly as if they'd shown it to me on screen; that's how much emotion I felt from the character. In high school, there was a cheerleader named Kim. Otis was in love with her, but she barely knew he existed; and if she did, she was probably cruel to him. I think he probably tried out for the football team as well, and was rejected. There were scenes with him and his brother, who was also very cruel to him. He called him names, shoved him around, and made him feel like the lowest form of scum on the planet. Even though most would agree that he was indeed all of those things, his brother didn't know anything about the girls in the basement. He simply did not respect Otis at all. I'm sure his childhood was much the same, and his parents were probably just as cruel to him as his brother was. Otis was extremely lonely, and I think Riley could see that.

So, this is a movie that I expected to be very silly. Turns out, it wasn't all that silly after all. Some parts, yes, but mostly it was a disturbing and sad story about a lonely man who would do anything for some love. It left a mark on me, emotionally, which is very rare these days. If anyone knows the song "Prom Queen" by The Insane Clown Posse...This movie is that song come to life. I think it would be incredibly disturbing to watch Otis with that song playing in the background...Something I might have to check into one day.

On a brighter note...Remember the little baby sister in "Growing Pains"? Well, she's all grown up now and looking pretty darn cute.

#320 -- Hold Your Breath (2012)

Director: Jared Cohn
Rating: 3 / 5

I first found this movie in Wal-Mart's little five dollar bin. I thought it sounded interesting, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to shell out the cash to buy it. Sure, it's only five bucks; but I'm a cheapo, so I've got to be absolutely sure about something before I'll buy it. A couple of days ago, I realized it was available for instant streaming on Netflix, so I didn't have to buy it after all. Though it's definitely not a terrible movie, I'm kind of glad I didn't buy it that day. It's not bad, but it's definitely not a movie that I'd be dying to own.

It's about a group of twenty-somethings getting together after being apart, I assume, since high school. They were on their way to a campground way out in the woods (a campground you can just drive right into without paying -- the kind I need to find!). Automatically, we know that this is not a good idea, even if we know nothing about the movie at all. But the first of the movie showed us a deranged serial killer being fried in the electric chair (but not before killing a warden as a last "fuck you!" to everyone), so we know it's going to have something to do with him. On the way to the campground, they passed a little cemetery. One of the girls made everyone hold their breath, because of an old superstition that the evil spirits buried there would be able to possess them if they didn't. Everyone agreed to appease her, except the token stoner, because he was too busy choking on marijuana. The evil spirit of that serial killer possessed him, and later made him murder a police officer. Every once in a while, the spirit would jump between their bodies, making it impossible to fully trust any of them.

There were a few different locations present here. One, of course, was their campground. They explored an old abandoned prison in one segment, which was the best. I thought they should have used that location more. They eventually met up with an ex-security guard of the sanitarium where the killer had been. He was the typical character who knew absolutely everything about their situation, and he promised that, if they did everything he said they'd be able to get rid of the spirit and save their lives.

I want to take a moment to explain my rating system. In most systems, a three-star rating means "I liked it." At least the systems I'm used to. But here's how mine works. 1 star - I hated it. 2 - I didn't like it. 3 - It was okay. 4 - I liked it. 5 - I loved it. So, that's why so many movies here have three star ratings, because most of the movies I've been watching lately are simply okay. There's nothing about Hold Your Breath to make me absolutely hate it, or to say that I didn't like it. It had an interesting story, though the characters were bland (I'm used to that, though, so that's nothing), and it never actually bored me or anything. The problem with these movies is that they lack something that I just can't explain. That, and the fact that they always fail to blow me away. So, if you should decide to give this one a go, you'll be entertained for a little while. You won't necessarily regret watching it, but you won't seek it out for a second viewing.

#307 -- Candyman (1992)

Director: Bernard Rose
Rating: 4 / 5

 I remember watching this as a kid with my little "boyfriend." The only parts of it I remembered were a bunch of bees coming out of Candyman's mouth, and some woman getting naked. I think the naked lady scared me more than anything, and I'm sure the boy was even more terrified by it than I was. These days, I understand that Candyman is something to be feared.

Helen was working on a thesis paper about the urban legend of a man called Candyman. He resides in the projects, and all the residents are terrified of him. The story says that, if you say his name five times in front of a mirror, that he'll show up behind you and kill you with a hook. At first, Helen was sure that this was just the peoples' way of putting an actual face to the problems (all the crime in their area) that they faced every day. As her research continued, she realized that there was much more to Candyman's story, and she started to believe that he might be more than mass delusion.

Candyman was the son of a former slave who fell in love with a slave owner's daughter. He impregnated the girl, and her father then swore vengeance on him. He ordered a mob to saw off his hand; they then covered his body with honey and unleashed a bee-hive on him. His hand was replaced by a hook, and he lived on throughout the years, killing anyone who dared to say his name. When Helen came into the picture, everything changed. He didn't want to just kill her; he wanted to take her for his bride. Every murder that Candyman committed was blamed on Helen. She ended up getting arrested and committed to a hospital. She had to figure out a way to defeat Candyman while proving her innocence (or at least staying away from the police long enough to fight him). I think that Candyman was trying to make her lose her mind. He planned on ruining her life to a point that she would actually wish for death and join him. His plan, for the most part, worked very well. But not without a price.

Candyman was actually adapted from a short story by Clive Barker called "The Forbidden." It's in a volume of short stories called "The Books of Blood." I actually never realized this. I knew that Barker had something to do with the movie, but I didn't know what. I haven't read the story or the book, but I can't wait to check it out. He has quickly become one of my favorite authors, and I know that the story must be genius, like everything else he does.

As far as the movie goes...Since I saw it at a young age, without having read the story (or knowing anything about it), I really like it. I feel like Candyman is an icon of horror, even though he doesn't get as much recognition as the other big name horror villains. I think the thing that makes Candyman so scary is Tony Todd. Todd is a great actor, and has definitely made a name for himself in the horror world. He's a big guy, and with that deep, rattling voice, he was the perfect choice for the role. And, of course, Clive Barker himself was involved in the production of the movie, and he wouldn't let them ruin something he created. It's an interested movie which tells a tale of not only supernatural horror, but also the horrors of everyday life in the slums. There is sadness, betrayal, and of course, lots of blood. Candyman has it all.

#306 -- Madison County (2011)

Director: Eric England
Rating: 2.5 / 5

When I first saw this, I thought it looked pretty cool. I thought it would be a nice kids-in-the-woods slasher movie, good for some mindless entertainment. Also, there's a Madison County here in Georgia, where I live, so that drew me to it as well. I never had any hopes that it would be mind-blowing, and I was right. It was actually filmed in Arkansas, so I can rest easy knowing that these people weren't shit-talkin' us Georgians. Just southern people in general, I guess. These kind of movies make me wonder if non-southerners are scared of us.

Anyways, the story isn't all that original; it's something we've seen hundreds of times before. A guy decides to go to Madison County to interview the author of a book about some murders that happened there. The legend was that this killer murdered around thirty people; the townsfolk knew about the murders, some even witnessed them, but they never said a word about it. James plans on writing a paper about the book, and he takes some friends along. Once they get there, they meet the creepy locals who don't want any outsiders in there town, and they soon learn that the author knew the killer a little better than they'd thought.

The so-called "twists" were predictable. The characters were also fairly predictable, but it did do some new things that I didn't expect--mainly the fact that the nerdy guy was the only one getting laid. The order in which the kids were killed also felt different to me. If you watch enough movies like this, you can pretty much predict the order they'll die, but this one switched it up on me. All of the characters were likable. There wasn't even that one character that you hate and want dead --there was one that acted like an asshole sometimes, but his reasons were understandable, so I didn't hate him for it--so it was really easy to root for them. I liked the killer here, too. His name was Damien, he had apparently been beaten and tortured by his stepfather as a child (leaving him horribly disfigured, though we never got to see his face), he wore a big pig mask and carried an axe. The pig mask might sound cheesy, but it actually looked pretty neat. It succeeded in being creepy rather than stupid.

I was really enjoying the movie up until the end, because it really didn't have any. There always has to be a main character, and in this case that was James. There was another character with him at the end, but we never learned what happened to them. It cut off before letting us know if they got away or not. I was really disappointed by this, because I felt like the story was incomplete. Sometimes that sort of thing works, but not here. It only left me wanting more. I was also disappointed in the fact that there wasn't all that much gore. The story wasn't deep or profound or all that creepy, so I think it definitely needed more blood. It's not a big problem, definitely not as big as the incomplete ending, but just something I found disappointing.

Overall, though, I thought it was a fairly decent movie with good characters and a creepy killer.

#304 -- Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Director: Rob Hedden
Rating: 5 / 5

Contains spoilers

Okay, so a lot of people have issues with this movie. It looks like most feel one of two things about it. They think either A) putting him in Manhattan was stupid, or B) that was cool, but he wasn't there long enough. Both are true, but I don't really care about all that. I do have some issues with the movie; to me, it feels like one big plot hole. But I don't care about that either. Parts 7, 8, and 9 of the series are the ones that were released around the time I was a kid -- this one was actually released five months before I was born -- so they're really the ones I remember watching back then. They all have a special place in my heart, no matter how silly or gimmicky they are. This one has always been one of my favorite, and it will stay that way, despite the tiny little issues I have with it. Sure, the movie is nothing but a giant plot hole. Sure, they figured people were getting tired of the summer camp setting (which I absolutely never will) so they stuck him some place else, which felt weird. There are only two movies in the series that I will rate anything below five points, and even then I'm only willing to go as low as 4.9. So, there are only two reasons that I will really have an issue: if they A) mess with the story (part five, where Jason wasn't even present), or B) they mess with Jason's appearance (Jason X, when they turned him into a fucking ROBOT). So, in conclusion, despite its faults, I love Jason Takes Manhattan.

Here's the run-down. It wasn't just a random occurrence that took him to New York. A bunch of high school kids were going on some sort of graduation party/field trip to New York, and they were taking a cruise ship. They happened to go through Crystal Lake, where Jason was awoken via some electricity or something. He climbed aboard the ship, because even though they weren't technically in his camp, they were still invading his home, and he didn't like that. So he started killing all the kids on the ship, and of course, it eventually took them to New York. I don't care that the majority of the movie took place on a boat, because, to me, that just makes the events that much more terrifying for the victims. When they're at the lake, at least there's an endless amount of open space that the kids can run into. Even if their cars don't work (which they never do, of course), they're still not completely stuck. Here, though, there was absolutely nowhere they could go. They were trapped in a confined space with Jason, knowing that the only they could do was either hide or fight. Or throw him overboard, but good luck with that. Once they got to New York, they felt like they'd reached a safe haven. They thought, "Okay, we're here, there are other people around, and there are plenty of places to hide." They learned quickly that there was still no way to get away from him, of course. But that was a giant let-down and, and I feel like it showcases the exhaustion that they must have felt. They went through so much already while they were on the boat; they arrived at their destination, believing that they were safe, only to realize that nowhere was safe from Jason Voorhees. I think that these victims had a rougher time than the rest because of this.

Okay, first I'll explain the issues that I do have with the movie, then I'll round things off with reasons why it's still fucking awesome. I mentioned that it feels like one giant plot hole, and it really does. The back-story for this one really doesn't make any sense at all. The main character, Rennie, has something in common with Jason: she can't swim, and she's terrified of the water. To be fair, Jason's not scared of anything (I hate when people say he's scared of water, because he's in it all the fucking time; there's no way he's scared of  anything.), though he was when he was a child. Apparently, when Rennie was a kid, her uncle tried to teach her to swim by throwing her out of their canoe. While under the water, she saw a young, deformed Jason -- which is why she grew so completely terrified of being in the water. Okay, one of two things were happening with this bit. They were either trying to imply that Jason was a ghost, or they didn't realize that he's like, 40 years older than her and there's no way she could have met him as a child. Throughout the movie, she sees glimpses of the young Jason drowning and crying out for help. She sees him in mirrors and in the windows of the boat. Again, is Jason supposed to be a ghost, or are they somehow mentally linked to one another? It didn't really expand on or explain any of that, so I really didn't get it.

Secondly, the way Jason looked. They didn't fuck with his appearance in the same way that Jason X did. For the most part, he looked just like he was supposed to. When he was unmasked, though...I don't know what the fuck that was. His face was flat, he had no teeth, and his skin sort of looked blue. Hillbilly smuf, anyone? When Jason's mask is removed, we're supposed to be terrified by how vile and gruesome his face is. This, though, was just funny -- and that shit ain't right. He was unmasked down in the sewers of New York. The two heroes threw some toxic waste on his face, it melted a little bit, and then he...turned back into a child. What? Yeah, little Jason returned, in the fetal position crying like a baby. Who knew that toxic waste was a time machine? It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and it  is actually the biggest issue I have with the movie. Maybe it was imagination or drug-induced hallucination (because Rennie had been drugged and almost raped by some thugs). Maybe they were trying to turn Jason into something different; something less than human that we hadn't seen before, but they weren't really sure how to do it. I think that was actually done better in Jason Goes to Hell. Sure, it was stupid as fuck, but at least it made a little bit of sense.

Despite the fact that Jason Takes Manhattan doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I still love it. It has some of my favorite scenes from the entire series, ones that I always use as examples when explaining why I love these movies so much. First, there's a hot rocker chick who is killed by her own guitar. There's the boxer who thought he could actually beat Jason's ass. Jason ended up letting the guy punch him until he was exhausted, then punched his head clean off. It landed it a dumpster. Later, when his friends were trying to find him, they found his head stuck on the gearshift of a police car. Oh, Jason. You're so funny. There was a guy who had a hot sauna rock shoved into his stomach, which looked extremely painful...and awesome! There was the hockey billboard that really confused Jason when he first arrived in New York. And  the best one, and probably my favorite scene in any of the movies. There were some thugs in New York, outside listening to some music. Jason was angry as he walked past them, so he kicked over their boom-box. They thought they were bad-ass, thought they'd pull a knife on him and start cussing him. He turned around, lifted up his mask, and the thugs stumbled through something like, "Sorry, m-man. It's cool, dude." No, he didn't kill them; which brings me to another thing I like about the movie. It shows that Jason isn't the mindless killer everyone thinks he is. Sure, he was a mongoloid. Sure, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. But he's not as stupid as people assume. Once they got to New York, he didn't bother anyone. He didn't kill any of the NY citizens unless they got in his way. He wasn't after them. He had no problems with them, because they hadn't invaded his home. I think he only killed one person in New York, actually, which...makes me smile really big. You remember when Kane Hodder was denied the part in Freddy Vs. Jason, in favor of Ken Kirzinger? Well, I really despise Ken, because he really sucked balls. The NY citizen that Jason killed here? He was played by Ken. Ha! I love watching it now and seeing Kane throw Ken around like a rag doll. Little bitch ass.

So, yeah; the movie has its issues, but it also has its charm. I don't care that it doesn't make sense. Sure, I like the stories they throw in, but that's not why I'm here. It's cool if they've got a good story, but mainly it's about Jason. I don't watch these movies to be engaged with the characters' stories. I don't watch them for the characters, because I could give two shits about any of them, despite how likable they are. I'm here to watch Jason fuck shit up. Ghost, mongoloid, whatever they were trying to turn him into...he still does that quite brilliantly.

#302 -- Circle (2010)

Director: Michael W. Watkins
Rating: 2 / 5

I'll be honest. Going into this, I didn't actually want to watch it. I wanted to watch something, I was resting comfortably in my bed, and I didn't feel like moving an inch; so I started searching through my On Demand. I looked over this one more than once, and I thought it seemed like it would be predictable, and I wasn't all that interested. But of all the movies I looked through, it looked the most promising -- which is pretty sad. Plus, I saw that Silas Mitchell was in it. I've come to really enjoy him, so that at least gave me some hope. But this is a case of having a lot of great things to work with but failing to create an outstanding product.

It's about a group of students that I assume were in college studying to become criminal psychologists. A class project sent them to the childhood home of a guy named Bennett (Mitchell). This guy had murdered five people, I think. He was arrested and sent to a psychiatric hospital. The students' assignment was to stay in the house for the weekend to get a feel for how Bennett thought; to get a peek inside the mind of a serial killer. They also hoped to find something that the police overlooked, so that they could get some major brownie points. But little did they know, Bennett had escaped from the institution, and was making his way back home.

The very basic premise sounds an awful lot like Halloween, but don't expect it to be a rip-off, because it's not. I think that these people might have been inspired by Halloween, but it's actually nothing like it. There was a back-story on Bennett that I didn't really understand. He had arranged all of his victims in a half-circle, because that's the shape of an eyeball and apparently the Greeks thought that would...be really cool. Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention, or maybe my volume was too low, but I actually have no idea what Bennett's deal was. The movie followed a couple of cops trying to find him, and to figure out exactly what it was he was doing so they could prevent him from doing it again. They found, in his room at the institute, that he'd drawn all sorts of symbols on the walls. The doctor said that she'd been interpreting it, and that she'd sent her notes over to the cops; but in the end, she decided not to share them, so we never got to learn what it all meant. I'm not sure what the point of all that was, other than to prove that Bennett wasn't an idiot, because he certainly seemed that way to begin with. I think the idea was interesting enough, but there wasn't enough explanation to make it work. I had a problem with the way the cops operated, as well. When they figured out a key point to Bennett's story, the audience wasn't clued in at all. There was no lead-up and no allowing us to figure it out along with them. Suddenly, they knew something, and we just had to accept it. The problem was that it didn't make enough sense for me to accept.

Though I obviously had some issues with the movie, I do think it had some good things going for it. First of all, the actors. Most of them I had never heard of, but they all worked really well together, particularly the policeman and the female FBI agent. I was kind of disappointed with Silas Mitchell, though. I don't fault him for it at all, but I feel like he was downplayed. Since he was the main reason I even watched the movie, I felt like there should have been more for him to do. His character hardly ever spoke, and when he did, he spoke in Greek. He wasn't creepy at all; he just sort of sulked off-screen and we hardly even saw him. He is such a talented actor, and I don't think they used his talents to the fullest extent. It took way too long for him to actually kill anyone, and when he did it was either off-screen or so excruciatingly forgettable that it was upsetting. I was hoping to see him play a bad ass serial killer who seriously fucked shit up, but I didn't get that at all. There were absolutely no memorable kills and practically no blood and gore to speak of. Oh yeah, back to the good stuff. I think the movie definitely looked good. It wasn't mind-blowing, but it didn't look homemade either, which is always good. Silas wore these light blue/gray contacts that made his eyes really pretty, and sadly, that was the most memorable and exciting thing in the entire movie. I loved his eyes, and his hot brother had the same eyes; yum!

Overall, it was just an okay idea. It had some good things to work with, but nothing ever panned out. It was a bloodless and brainless movie that tried to be smart and scary; and it failed on both accounts.

#298 -- Madhouse (1974)

Director: Jim Clark
Rating: 4 / 5

This was another one of those, "Ah, fuck it" type of deals. I was searching through Netflix for a while and couldn't decide on what to watch. I happened upon this one, Netflix thought I might like it, and I knew that Vincent Price was in it. I was tired of looking. So I trusted Netflix, and used my instinct and the knowledge that Vincent Price fucking rules, and I settled on it. Turns out, it's a pretty great movie.

Vincent played Paul Toombes, a man who became famous by playing a character called Dr. Death in a series of horror movies. During a party for the movies, his soon to be trophy wife was brutally murdered and be-headed. Paul honestly didn't know whether or not he committed the murder, and this led to his being institutionalized. He was never convicted of the murder, he was released back out into the public, and then he was sent to London to start working on a TV show based on his old movies. He stayed with his old friend Herbert, as well as an old co-star, Faye, who had lost her beauty, lived in the basement and was obsessed with spiders. They started shooting the television show, and before long, more people started getting killed by a strange man dressed as Dr. Death. And Paul still wasn't sure whether or not he was to blame. It seemed like, any time Dr. Death was involved, he went into a sort of trance, and woke up with someone dead. But could there be more to the murders?

Vincent as Dr. Death

What I liked about the movie was the suspense factor. Usually, in older movies like this, there's practically none -- at least not for me. So I was pleasantly surprised to find that it's actually quite suspenseful and fast paced. In the beginning, it's obvious to everyone that Paul is to blame for the murders. But as the movie progresses, more people are added to the list, until practically everyone Paul knows becomes a suspect. I really didn't know who to blame for the murders, though I did have my suspicions. That was the fun in it. There was practically no gore whatsoever, and where it was present it was in very small amounts. It wasn't a gore fest, but it was exciting. The excitement came from the chase. It came from trying to figure out just who the murderer was, and if Paul was, in fact, killing people without remembering it. By the end, it turned into a full-blown slasher movie, with people running through the studio being chased by the Dr. Death style killer.

Vincent Price was wonderful as usual, but his role in this movie was kind of weird for me. Since he wasn't sure if he was the murderer or not, his character played out like one of the victims, which is strange. I'm used to seeing him as a villain, and this movie showed me that 'ol Vince really didn't know how to scream. Any time he'd find a dead body, he'd let out the weirdest scream I've ever heard. I guess he was used to making other people scream, and it all just sounded weird to me. But that's probably just because I prefer him as a villain. By the end of the movie, his old creepiness came back, and he ended things with a rather magnificent soliloquy that, for me, answered the age-old question "why in the hell do people like horror movies?" So, if nothing else, Madhouse was a learning experience. Now when people ask me that question, I have a definite answer for them, and I thank it for that. It's nice to finally understand my weirdness.

The killer Dr. Death

I'd also like to mention one Adrienne Corri, who played Faye, the basement-dwelling spider lover. This woman was creepy as shit, and I think she should have been the star of the show, rather than the fake Dr. Death (alongside Vincent Price, of course.) She could have been one hell of a serial killer, and he was pretty frightening. I really loved the character, and Corri played her extremely well.

So, despite the lack of gore, and Vincent Price's weird screaming, Madhouse is a wonderful slasher movie with bits of humor, a cool story, great actors, nice suspense, and a fast pace. It's great for Price fans, or horror fans in general, I say. Check it out. You won't be sorry.

#296 -- Hunger (2009)

Director: Steven Hentges
Rating: 3 / 5

This is one of those times where, after surfing through Netflix for a while, I just got tired of looking. I settled on Hunger because the plot seemed interesting, and I had sort of an idea of how it would go, and I liked what I had playing out in my head. It was pretty predictable, but it didn't turn out the way I was hoping that it would. However, it wasn't a complete disappointment.

It started off with five people waking up in a dark room, oblivious to how they got there or why. The characters were fairly bland, but they did have enough personality to become at least a little bit likable. Jordan was the main character, and clearly the most intelligent and rational of the bunch. Grant, who became Jordan's biggest ally, was also pretty rational and competent. Luke was unstable from the get-go and it was completely obvious that he would be the first to unravel. Anna seemed extremely weak to begin with, but she ended up surprising everyone by turning into a psychotic bitch. There was a little distrust between them at first, but they soon realized that they'd have to work together if they wanted to get out alive. They searched for an exit for a while, until they found a little bricked-in doorway. The man who imprisoned them gave them two gifts: a carving knife and four giant barrels full of water. They also had a little make-shift toilet, which I'm sure they were very thankful for after a while. They also got a not that said something along the lines of "the human body can only survive for thirty days without food." So, now we've got our motive -- sort of. His very basic motive is to see how long they can survive without food, but there's actually more to it than that. I'm sure you  could tell where it was going from the beginning, and if you couldn't, the carving knife should have surely given it away. He wants to see just how long it will take them to resort to cannibalism, and which of them will unravel to the point of resorting to such measures.

The man's real motive was a little more complex than all of that, though it really wasn't all that interesting. We're shown at the beginning that he was in a terrible car accident when he was a child. It left his mother dead beside him, and he was trapped in the car for several weeks. He had to eat parts of his own mother. So I guess he wanted to see if other people would do the same, so he didn't feel so guilty. It never really expanded on that, as he was left unnamed and completely vague. The flashback was the only little bit of back story we got on him. All the time, we see him sitting in a cozy office watching these people on cameras. He had what I believe was a microphone sitting in front of him, so I really hoped that he was going to start talking to them eventually, but he never said a word throughout the entire movie. I think this would have made things even more frightening for the captives, as they'd have a voice to put to the person behind their imprisonment. They'd have something solid to place the blame on. Also, I feel like it would have made things a whole hell of a lot more interesting. They were pawns in his twisted game, and I feel like he should have played with them a little more, rather than leaving them alone to play with each other. Their interactions with one another were interesting, and watching each of their inevitable mental breakdowns was definitely engaging. But I wanted more.

Though I had a couple of problems with it, I felt that the story was fully developed, and that it made the point it was trying to make. Visually, the movie was good. There wasn't a lot of gore, as you'd expect from something like this. It wasn't purely about the cannibalism; it was mostly about the disintegration of the captives' mental states, and it focused more so on that than the blood and guts. The couple of scenes that showed some gore did look good, as well. Overall, it's actually very good movie, though it's more of a psychological thriller than a horror. There's nothing scary about it for viewers; but it looks into the human psyche, and just how far people will go to ensure their own survival. Though it didn't play out the way that I hoped, that's purely a personal opinion. It didn't really hurt the value of the movie, and I still found it interesting. It's not a mind-blowing feat in film-making; it's not a 100% incredible horror movie. But it's an interesting and disturbing movie that doesn't fail to entertain.

#294 -- Scary or Die (2012)

Directors: Bob Badway, Michael Emanuel & Igor Meglic
Rating: 3 / 5

You, like me, might be drawn by that fucking awesome clown on the cover of Scary or Die. And once you watch it, you'll be surprised to find that it's not one of those instances of the cover looking way cooler than the actual movie. Well, at least the clown bit. You might be a little disappointed by the movie as a whole, but if you don't take it too seriously, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's an anthology movie with five separate segments, one of which acts as the wrap-around story for the entire thing.

The Crossing is about a couple of rednecks who act as vigilante border control officers. They abduct Mexican immigrants (and I assume those of hispanic heritage that aren't immigrants at all), return them to the border, and kill them as a warning to those who wish to cross in the future. They're hoping that one day, they'll get the picture and stop coming into "their country." They're real assholes, and it's impossible to care about them at all. Anyways, during this particular trip to the border, some home-made booze gets spilled onto the graves of the fallen immigrants, and this wakes them up. You can guess that they're not too happy about the way they've been treated, and being under the ground for so long has made them hungry. This bit was okay, and I think it acted as more of cultural satire than horror. There are actually a lot of people out there who think this way. The zombies weren't the scary part; you'll actually find yourself rooting for them since the two main characters are such dickheads. The scary part is the way these guys act. Once the zombies start rising, you'll get to see all the people that they've killed, and some of them are children. That's the scary part for me -- that someone would actually murder children simply because of the color of their skin.

Re-Membered is a story about a hit-man who gets more than he bargained for when he is sent to kill a person who I can only assume was a satanist. It shows him cutting this guy up in his bathtub, stuffing him in a bag and throwing him into the trunk of his car. He then starts driving toward an unknown destination, and he keeps hearing a mysterious tapping coming from his trunk. He goes to check it out, finds the body exactly the way he left it. He continues driving, still hearing the noise, and goes to check a second time. This time, the body is gone, and in its place is a note that reads "You can't kill me." I didn't like this one as much as the first, which says a lot, because I didn't like the first one all that much either. I think it could have been better as a full-length movie, or even if it had just a little more time to develop the story. If it told us more about the man that the hit man killed, his history and just why he was being sent to kill him, it could have been interesting.

Taejung's Lament is about a man whose wife died recently. He is very lonely, lives a dull and sad life, and can't seem to pick himself up. One night, he sees a pretty girl walking down the street; they exchange smiles, and it's made obvious that she might be able to help him get over the loss of his wife. But before anything of significance can happen, the girl is kidnapped by a stranger. Taejung uses his cell phone (stuffed into the gas tank of the stranger's car) to track them down, and he saves the girl. She invites him to her apartment for a party, but once he gets there, he realizes that he should have left things alone. The man who abducted the girl was none other than Van Helsing, and this party he is attending is about to get a little out of hand. This one's interesting enough, I guess, but it's the worst of the bunch. The majority of it just shows Taejung walking around and looking sad. Once it gets to the good stuff, it ends. It's too much build-up and not enough pay-off.

Clowned is the best in the collection, which is why it's featured on the cover, I'm guessing. It's the longest of the bunch, which allows it to give us a better, more complex story. It's about a guy named Emmett who gets bitten by a clown at his little brother's birthday party. Afterwards, he starts feeling a little funny and can't seem to get enough to eat. He starts getting sick a lot, but that's only the beginning. Eventually he starts to grow really quickly, causing him to wear funny-looking clothes (because they're the only ones that will fit him) and bigger shoes. His skin also starts to turn colors, and he grows a white afro. He tries to live with it for a short period of time, but when he starts to develop the urge to eat his little brother, he decides it's time to split. He runs away, lives his life like a bum, and tries to resist the urge to eat people. But of course, cannibals will be cannibals...I think the effects in this one were wonderful. I loved the way the clown looked -- with his giant mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth, his weird clothes and that sack he wore over his head. He was genuinely creepy. But not scary. Sure, he ate some people, but they all deserved it. It wasn't just a story about a killer clown; it was a story about a man who is forced to abandon his family for their own safety. He has to run away form his mother, his little brother, his girlfriend, and the unborn child that he doesn't know about. It's a very sad story, and I really enjoyed it.

Lover Come Back is the last, and shortest, in the collection. It's about a woman whose husband became extremely abusive and murdered her. He stuffed her in a box and left her out in the woods. But this woman's grandfather was a master of black arts (or something like that), and as a young child he'd given her a special power. It was something like this -- if there was love in her heart, that love would never die. Even though he was abusive, she still loved her husband. So, she died with that love still in her heart; meaning that she wouldn't die. She came back to get her revenge on him. This one tried to act as a wrap-around story, but ti didn't really succeed. The whole reason that these stories were being strung together was because someone was watching them online. They're separated by a gnarly-looking hand surfing the web and clicking on links that led to the clips. The lady in this short ended up being on the other end of that hand. It's interesting enough, but the wrap-around aspect of it didn't make much sense. The point of a wrap-around story in an anthology is to bring all the separate stories together and make them click. This one didn't do that. There was  no reason that the woman was watching these clips, and it didn't do anything for the rest of the stories. Plus it was so short that it felt completely pointless.

Overall, Scary or Die is an okay horror anthology. It's got some interesting bits, but it's nothing that will leave you breathless. Clowned was great, but the rest were only so-so. Still, it wasn't a complete time-waster, and if you're like me, you'll come away from it at least a little bit entertained.

#289 -- The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Director: Tobe Hooper
Rating: 4 / 5

Everyone knows Leatherface, his family, and what they're all about. Some are old-timers, who know everything based on the originals. Some are youngsters and know more about the more recent string of movies. But me? I didn't know anything. I'd seen that one remake in 2003, but I didn't know much about it, and didn't remember much after I watched it. This is the first time - yes, that's right - that I have seen where Leatherface began. The most I've ever known about him and these movies is about Ed Gein, the man on which he was based. He was very loosely based on Gein, and the real man was a much more terrifying thing. But I can see now how they drew inspiration from him to create this piece of cinematic history. I've always felt like such a bad horror fan, being that I'd never seen this movie which receives such high praise. Now I feel...strange, because I feel like I should have enjoyed it a lot more than I did. Not saying I didn't like it; just saying, it's not as great as I'd hoped it would be. I feel like it would have been better had I watched this as a child, with absolutely no knowledge of it, what it was based on, and with nothing to base my experience on. If that had been the case, I think I would have enjoyed it much more. But as it is, I found it to be an okay movie that I respect...but wasn't blown away by.

It was about a group of friends making their way to an old house. It centers on Sally and her brother Franklin. After hearing about a string of grave robberies at the cemetery where their grandfather was buried, they decided to go have a look and make sure his grave wasn't among the ones that had been dug up. After making sure that he wasn't, they went to the house where they spent many days as children. On the way, the picked up a strange hitchhiker who seemed more than a little bit insane. He told them all about his family that ran the slaughterhouse, cut his own hand open, and then sliced into Franklin as well. They kicked him out of their van, of course, but they - mostly Franklin - became worried that the man was angry and might follow them. Little did they know, that man wasn't all they needed to worry about. A string of events led them to a farmhouse that wasn't far from their own, and they met up with a family of cannibalistic redneck crazies. There was the hitchhiker, his brother (Leatherface), a man who I assume was their father, and their grandfather who looked to have one foot already in the grave. There was no group slaying, or anything of that nature, as by the time Sally realized what she'd gotten herself into, her friends were already dead and stuffed in Leatherface's freezer. She ended up having to face this family all on her own.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre did not have much of a budget to work with, and it shows. But there were some interesting things going on here. I particularly liked the summery feel of things. It was bright, hot, and the sun flares on the camera made me feel like it could have been a vacation video. The way things looked, in that area, made it feel like there should be happy and fun things going on, which is always an interesting thing in horror movies. The contradictory tones - in the way things look, and the events taking place- immediately make the viewer feel uncomfortable. Leatherface was not hidden in shadows for the majority of the movie; he was drenched in sunlight. There was also something about how everything seemed so natural. You're not being forced into being scared here. Again, there's nothing hidden in shadows, nothing jumping out at you at opportune moments. It feels almost like a relaying of information. Like, here, this is what happened, no tricks, no gimmicks. Everything going on felt like a natural series of events, like these things were supposed to happen. The movie was very subtle in that way, also. The viewer isn't slapped in the face with any of its so-called "scary" things, but we're left to simply feel them.

Texas Chainsaw isn't a blood-drenched horror movie, as some (like I did) might expect. It's not filled with gore and shocking murder scenes. What makes it scary is the mere knowledge of what is happening. Everyone outside of the group of friends was in on it. Everyone they met during their travels had something to do with that house and that family. That is where the terror lies: that no matter where you go, no matter who you meet, and no matter who you feel might help you...you're never truly safe. At the end, it can be assumed that Sally gets away. But there is no real resolution. She doesn't overcome the killers and get revenge on them for killing her friends. And that, too, is where the terror lies...in the fact that evil never truly dies.

Though all of this is well and good, and that subtle terror is something that many people love, I still feel as though things are not as I expected them to be. I had gone through my life knowing that the movies and the character are things that people in the horror community absolutely love and adore. I went all these years believing that I was missing out on something completely wonderful. But now that I've seen it, I feel like it was all hype. Though I can see where the brilliance in the movie lies, I wasn't as blown away by it as I figured I would be. I'm disappointed that it wasn't 100% amazing, as I'd expected. But even if I didn't enjoy it as much as I'd hoped, I still respect it for what it is, and I understand why it's so beloved by my peers. Maybe as I continue on, watch the other movies in the series, and get to know these characters better, I'll be able to fully understand why everyone finds it so amazing. I look forward to delving deeper into this world that Tobe Hooper created.