MMM Day 6: #339 -- The Thing (1982)

Director: John Carpenter
Rating: 3 / 5

This is actually the first time I've seen this movie. I'd heard great things about it, and I knew that a lot of people loved it. The idea was intriguing, so it was definitely on my watch list. I thought it was going to be a masterpiece, but I was disappointed with it for a couple of reasons.

Synopsis: A group of explorers in Antarctica come across an Alien being that is able to take the form of whoever or whatever it wishes. We follow their collective mental breakdown as they try to figure out who they can trust, and whose body has been overtaken by The Thing.

And...that's pretty much it. It started off with some Norwegians in a helicopter trying to shoot a beautiful Husky dog. Right off the bat, I was pissed; I was more worried about that dog in those couple of minutes than I was about anything else throughout the rest of the movie. Of course, the dog had been "possessed," and it actually would have been really helpful if those people had been able to shoot it. The group that the movie follows killed the Norwegians, and The Thing infiltrated their camp. They took the dog in, after saving it, and put it in a kennel with a bunch of other dogs. Apparently they had a hobby of rescuing wild dogs. Immediately, the dog began to attack the other dogs an adopt their appearances. The group learned from some research that it would keep on doing this until all other life forms -- threats to its life-- were eliminated. Most of the movie consisted of each person losing their trust in the rest. They didn't know who they could trust, until they figured out a way to test their blood for The Thing's presence. So, it was a bunch of accusations and not a lot of action.

Where there was action, though -- oh boy, that was some fucked up shit. I can't even describe what The Thing looked like, but it was pretty gnarly. It was nasty in a I-think-I'm-gonna-puke sort of way, and the effects were wonderful. The problem was that there wasn't much for me to care about. There were a lot of people in the camp, and none of them were very developed. At least, not in a way that I could get behind. None of them seemed to care about each other, they didn't really have any memorable characteristics, and I have a hard time even remembering their names. After all was said and done, the movie ended on a fairly calm way that kind of felt incomplete All that being said, I did enjoy the movie. The story was unique and, again, the monster was fucking incredible.

I'm feeling kind of weird at this point. There are several movies that are loved by many; and most of those I find somewhat boring. I think this would have been a lot better if the creature had been on screen more often, because that was definitely the best part. It was so great that it's a total shame that it was hidden for so long. I get that it was hidden inside the explorers, and it was part of the story; but I'm sure they could have figured something out. Really, that's the biggest problem that I have with it. Otherwise, it's definitely entertaining.

MMM Day 4: #337 -- Monster from a Prehistoric Planet (1967)

Director: Haruyasu Noguchi
Rating: 3 / 5

First off, this title is a little bit misleading. Don't be fooled the way I was. I thought there was going to be some time and/or space travel going on here, and that we'd be dealing with some dinosaurs or something. But that's not the case. The "prehistoric planet" is an island...On Earth, in Japan. The original Japanese title translates to "The Giant Beast, Gappa," or something along those lines, and that makes a lot more sense. I guess they figured "Monster from a Prehistoric Planet" sounded cooler. Well, it definitely roped me in. That's not to say that it's a bad movie, but I was ready for some T-Rex action, and I didn't get it.

Synopsis: A group of explorers travel to said island to locate some exotic animals for their company's upcoming tourist attraction: an island/park called Playmate Land. They meet island natives who worship a god called Gappa that resides in a forbidden part of the island. Intrigued, the explorers venture into this forbidden area and discover an egg. The egg hatches, and out comes a baby lizard. They take the baby back home for research, and to get it ready for the park's opening. But that made Mama and Daddy Gappa very angry, and they went a'searching for their baby.

So, what exactly is a Gappa? To me, it looked like a giant pigeon with a tail. That could breathe fire. Since it was a bird-lizard, it had great homing abilities, and Mama and Daddy found their baby easily. Since this was a great discovery, the scientists/money-hungry-executives were all over it. So, when Mama and Daddy showed up and started tearing the city apart trying to find their baby, they refused to believe the solution was as simple as giving the thing back. Or rather, they just refused to give it back, because they'd lose money. They succeeded in scaring the two away for a while, and they retreated to the waters. Then, the idiots lured the things back up, thinking that they'd be able to kill them this time. When they were unable to obliterate the things, they finally decided to give the baby back.

At times, I found the movie hard to follow, because I felt like it jumped around a lot. Maybe it's just me. But I was still able to get the gist of things. Stupid people do stupid things, and Japan is destroyed -- as it often is. I liked the Gappa monster, though. It was definitely comical, and it reminded me of something I'd see on an old episode of The Power Rangers. I kept waiting for Megazord to swoop in and save the day. Despite the fact that there were no dinosaurs, or time travel like I expected, I still found it entertaining.

MMM Day 3: #336 -- Leprechaun (1993)

Director: Mark Jones
Rating: 4 / 5

When we're children, we're taught that Leprechauns are cute little things who can bring great luck. Everyone knows the story, at least a little bit. Leprechauns were the protectors of treasure, and they took their jobs very seriously. There are two things that I've always heard about these little guys. One, that if you can catch a leprechaun, he'll grant you a wish. Like a little Irish genie. The second is that, if you catch him, you can convince him to show you where his treasure is hidden. You can imagine that losing the thing that they are sworn to protect must be very devastating. Sometimes, maybe, it might make them very angry. Angry enough to kill in order to get it back.

That's what happened here. A man named Dan O'Grady, after travelling to Ireland to bury his grandmother, returned home with a sack full of gold. He told his wife that he caught a leprechaun, and the leprechaun revealed his hidden treasure to him. O'Grady planned to move out of his house with his new-found fortune, but of course, his wife didn't believe a word he said. Until the little guy showed up and killed her, that is. He managed to imprison the Leprechaun, and O'Grady ended up in a retirement home, probably completely off his rocker after what happened, and a man and his daughter moved into his old house.

Once they move into the house, Tory and her father meet the Three Men Who Paint, brothers hired to fix the house up. They are Ozzy, Alex, and Nathan. Nathan is the cute, hunky one; Alex, the little boy with a potty mouth; and Ozzy, the man who isn't "all there" and acts like a child himself. Ozzy accidentally let the Leprechaun out of its prison, not long before he and Alex discovered the sack full of gold. They hid it in a well, and the Leprechaun went about trying to find it. This little guy was severely angry, and all he wanted was his gold back. But these two kids didn't dare give up there secret, until it was almost too late.

I was just three years old when this movie first came out. I'm not sure when I saw it for the first time, but I've loved this little guy for as long as I can remember. He's cute, in a monstrous sort of way; he's vicious, and just downright funny. Leprechauns are supposed to be these cute little men who like to cause harmless mischief; not this little devil who likes to kill anyone who gets in his way. It's just like a killer Santa: it's just not right. But at the same time, it's hard to be scared of this guy because he's so darn cute and funny. That's not to say that he doesn't do some horrible things, because he certainly does. In this one, he actually killed a man with a pogo stick. Just jumped up and down right on the guy's chest. It's comical, sure, but just imagine! That had to hurt. As far as I can remember, he's always had unique and entertaining kills, which is one of the reasons that I love him.

Give me back me gold!

So, once the Leprechaun gets his gold back, will he stop tormenting the ones who took it? Well, if they haven't spent it, or eaten it (like Ozzy did...), I suppose he would. But that rarely happens; people who come into that sort of money will usually spend it pretty quickly. A lot of the times, people will give him back a portion, thinking that he won't notice if they keep just a little bit -- which is far from true. He knows exactly how much he's supposed to have, and he's not going to let you off easy. Even if you do think it's just a little bit. So, it's usually just one attempt after another, until everyone is dead and he can get every little bit of his gold back.

Now, is the movie perfect? No, of course not. The effects aren't the best I've ever seen, but they're far from the worst. But that's really the only thing going against it, and I can live with that. Jennifer Aniston plays Tory, and she must be good since she's come so far since then. I loved Ozzy and Alex the most, though. They worked really well together, and I loved both of those characters. Ozzy, the big teddy bear; and Alex, the cute little potty mouth ("Fuck you, Lucky Charms!" ha!) The story is great, I think, even if it is a little silly. If you take a look at the mythology of Leprechauns, though, it really isn't all that farfetched. It does make sense; it's just not something we're used to seeing. Perfect? No. Entertaining? Hell yes! I mean...it's a killer Leprechaun for crying out loud. How could you not love it?

MMM Day 2: #335 -- The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

Director: James Whale
Rating: 5 / 5

I first saw this many years ago and, even though I didn't remember everything about it, I did remember that it was very sad. The first one was sad in how misunderstood The Monster was; but this one is on another level entirely. It really tugged at my heartsrings, and actually brought tears to my eyes. The Monster definitely proved himself a very tragic character here, as if there was any doubt. This, along with the first, doesn't exactly feel like a horror movie to me. Sure, there are mad scientists, and the monster that came from their experiments, and all that good stuff. But The Monster isn't the villain at all. The townspeople are the real monsters here, because they refuse to even try to understand him. They see something different, they don't understand it, and so they attack it. They're bullies. If they'd taken the time to get to know him, they'd realize that he meant no harm to anyone. It's a tragic, dramatic love story...with monsters. The best kind!

So, at the end of the first movie, we saw the angry mob chase Henry and his Monster to a windmill and try to kill them with fire. They thought they were successful, but they, of course, were not. Henry was injured, but The Monster was only plagued with anger. At first, it seemed like he'd changed; like he was so angry that he didn't even care anymore, because he was attacking people for no reason. But then I realized that these were the people that had chased him there and set fire to him. He wanted revenge. Once he got away from those people, he changed back into the big teddy bear that I've always loved. He actually made a friend in this one: a lonely, blind musician. He was drawn to the man because of his music, and the man was extremely kind to him. He was blind to his "hideous" features, but he wasn't blind to his sweet nature. The man took care of him, fed him, gave him wine and cigars, and even taught him how to speak. At one point, The Monster began to cry, because he'd finally found a friend. But of course, all good things must come to an end. A couple of hunters wandered by and tried to attack The Monster. Afraid, he thrashed about and ended up setting fire to the old man's shack. Fortunately, the hunters had gotten the old man out before the fire consumed everything.

Meanwhile, back at the Frankenstein Castle, Henry was recovering, and he and Elizabeth finally got married. He was visited by Dr. Pretorious, a man with his own plan. He was able to create these little miniature people in glass bottles, and he said that he grew them himself, rather than creating them from dead parts. How he did this, I have no idea, but it was definitely interesting. What he wanted to do was combine their separate brands of genius to create another creature: a bride for The Monster. Henry wanted no part of it, however. He resisted, until Pretorious brought The Monster to his house and kidnapped Elizabeth. So, Henry agreed in order to get his girl back. It was successful, and the bride was born. But she, like everyone else, was terrified of The Monster. Heartbroken, The Monster decided that he no longer wished to live, and he planned on taking his new Bride, as well as Dr. Pretorious down with him. He actually let Henry and Elizabeth leave, though I don't really understand why. I feel like he was angry with Henry for creating and then abandoning him. The only explanation that I can come up with is this: The Monster knew that they were in love, something he wished desperately to feel, and he thought that they should be able to enjoy that for as long as possible. He's a monster, sure, but he's a compassionate soul. I've always preferred this one to the first, probably because, even though I'm a horror lover, I'm also a sucker for a good love story. This one is tragic, but it's still a love story. It evoked emotions within me that I've been through in my life: abandonment, loneliness, and misunderstanding.

In the first movie, Boris Karloff's name wasn't included in the credits. Where it should have been, there was a question mark instead. Here, he's credited as just Karloff. At the end of the credits, it says: "The monster's mate: ?" So, they stuck with that little tactic, which I found to be really cool in the first movie. Of course, now we know that The Bride was Elsa Lanchester (who also played Mary Shelley, which I have just now realized), but I just think it's an awesome scare tactic. I think more movies should do this; it adds some mystery.

#334 -- Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust (2008)

Director: Silvia st. Croix
Rating: 3.5 / 5

When I saw the first of this trilogy, I loved it. It was delightfully cheesy, with just enough horror to make it amazing. Even though I've still yet to see the third one, I think I can safely say that I'm a fan of the trilogy. This one wasn't quite as good as the first, but it was still really enjoyable.

At the end of part one, we left off with the rest of the gingerbread men being sold at some sort of bake sale. I guess they thought that only that one particular cookie had been possessed; otherwise, why in the hell would they have sold them? Anyways, when this one starts out, one of those cookies is being delivered to a movie studio, along with a box of other goodies. This time, Gingerdead Man isn't killing for revenge, though. Sadly, he didn't come back for Sarah. This time, he's trying to move his soul into an actual human body, and he plans this from something that he read in a Satanic spell book. It, of course, calls for some human sacrifices, so he sets about killing everyone at this movie studio.

Cheatum Studios is own by a guy named Kelvin. He inherited the place from his father, and is apparently running it into the ground. They've got no money, they're running several products that they can hardly afford, and everyone on set hates each other and they're always getting into fights. Plus, their biggest celebrity is a little whiny brat, because he think he's better than the part he's supposed to play, and he spends most of his time in his trailer refusing to come out. They've got plenty of problems. When this killer cookie shows up, though, those problems don't seem like such a big deal. I think what I like most about this movie is the movies that Cheatum was making. There was one called Space Spankers, or something like that; there was some sort of parasite in some girl, and the only way to get it out was to vigorously spank her. There was something about a Hamburger Detective, and then the best one...Tiny Terrors. This one was about some little demonic puppet creatures, and they were fantastic. One looked like the love child of Papa Smurf and the Abominable Snowman. One was an evil robot; one was a big-boobed pirate lady, and one called Shit-For-Brains that was a baby doll with shit on top of its head. Then, there was one called The Haunted Dildo. It was literally a dick with a face, in a tuxedo. I seriously want them to make a movie just about these little guys. Hell, they could make a movie just about The Haunted Dildo, and I would be all over it.

Anyways, there were some other things going for the movie. I really liked Kelvin, I think mostly because of this guy's acting. It was horrible, but I could tell that it was purposely horrible, which I love. There was also a guy named Tommy, who was a part of a Make A Wish foundation, and his dying wish was to see the studio. He was wonderful, and I thought the actor that portrayed him was phenomenal. There weren't really that many gore effects to speak of, even though there were a lot more kills here than in the first one. The most memorable kill was when Gingerdead Man fucked a gay guy in the ass with a curling iron. Good stuff.

Even though there were some great things going on here, I don't think it was quite as good as the first one. There were more kills, true, but it was missing that special something that the first one had. There weren't as many cookie-puns; or, if there were, they were forgettable. There was no Gary Busey, which I think had something to do with it, since we got used to the idea of him being the Gingerdead Man. That's really the only problem I had with it: that it wasn't quite as funny as the first. But despite that, I still found it highly entertaining, and I'm looking forward to seeing part three.

#280 -- The People Under the Stairs (1991)

Director: Wes Craven
Rating: 4 / 5

I caught this movie on television years ago, but I only caught the tail end of it. I could tell instantly that it was something I definitely wanted to see. I caught it on TV again some time later, a bit earlier but still not at the beginning. Then, I got the jist of what was going on, but not completely. This time around is the first time I've actually watched the entire movie. So now I know the whole story, and I can tell you...I dig it. It seems like it's one of those movies that can go any way. Some people love it, some people don't, and some just don't care. I'm sort of in the middle. I really liked it, but I didn't quite love it. Still, it's a good movie.

It's about a young boy named Fool (I think his name was actually Poindexter; I think I'd prefer Fool too). He'd just turned thirteen, and he'd been through more than probably all of us have in our lives. He was poor, living in the ghetto with a cancer-ridden mother, a sister with some babies, and no money to pay for anything. On top of all that, their landlords were trying to evict them so that they could tear the building down and build something bigger and better. In order to get some money, a man offered Fool a job: to rob their landlords, who supposedly had a house full of gold. So along with two men, Fool set out to do just that. But little did they all know, their landlords were fucking crazy.

One of the men was killed pretty much as soon as he walked in the door. The other took some time, but it didn't take long for Fool to realize that he wasn't messing around with your average every day rich folks. They had a daughter who was terrified of them and suffered horrible abuse, and there was a guy living in the walls. The daughter, Alice, called him Roach (haha!) and he was a pretty cool dude, though he looked like he could be Steve Buscemi's son. There were some other people living in the cellar who kind of looked like zombies (probably because they were fed body parts of people that were killed). Roach had escaped into the walls, and remained there in hiding. Anyways, Fool became trapped in the house once his older accomplices were killed, and Roach and Alice helped him stay safe. He eventually escaped with a couple of gold coins and took them back home to help with his mother's operations and such. He then returned to the house to save Alice, because...well, someone had to do it.

It turned out that "Mommy" and "Daddy" were actually siblings, and Alice wasn't their daughter at all. They abducted children, trying to find the perfect child. Everyone knows, though, that there's no such thing. Once they found something wrong with one of them, they'd cut it out (Roach had his tongue cut out for trying to call for help) and throw them in the basement. Those were the people under the stairs. Daddy was really crazy, and he wore some kind of dominatrix costume while he was shooting at people in the walls. It was easy to tell, though, that Mommy was actually the brains and master of the operation. That was one evil bitch.

I think all the components of the movie were really well done. The actors were good, the story was well written and interesting, and it definitely succeeds in holding the viewer's attention. It goes at a steady pace that's neither rushed nor slow, and the effects (though there wasn't all that much gore) were good. Word around the internet is that there's a remake in the works, though I don't really see the point. It's a good movie, but it's hardly great enough to be considered a classic. It doesn't really have a cult following, and it's not old enough to need a revisit. It's just more evidence that people are completely unable to come up with their own ideas, and simply feed off the ideas of great minds like Wes Craven.

You should give The People Under the Stairs a go, though. It's an entertaining movie with an interesting and original story.

#259 -- 13 Days of Creepmas Day 13: Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Rating: 3.5 / 5
Director: Michael Cooney

Okay, guys, this is it. It's the last day of Creepmas, and Christmas is drawing nearer. We've got a little less than two weeks to get all of our shopping and stressing done, and if you're anything like me, you've got a long way to go. But hopefully soon our bank accounts will no longer be completely empty, and we can get back to our lives. I don't know about you, but all of these Creepmas festivities have really got me in the holiday spirit.

Today brings us the sequel to the horror-comedy Jack Frost. This one is quite different from the first, because it's actually a lot more entertaining. It goes in a different direction than its predecessor, and I believe that was a smart move.

It's a year after the first of the Snowman killings and Sheriff Sam Tiler is more than a little paranoid. He's having to see a shady therapist and everything. So when a couple of their friends decide to get married on an island, Sam and his wife decide to go along. The first few murders are shrugged off, at least by the man who runs the place--who calls himself The Colonel. He tells everyone stories about shark attacks, but no one really believes him. A couple believe there's a murderer among them, but of course no one even considers the possibility of a killer snowman. Even Sam's friends, and his wife, think he's crazy for thinking of it. The only other person who sees the possibility is Agent Manners. Yep, that's right. The FBI agent who helped Sam out in the first movie is back. You probably thought he was dead, since he got stabbed in the face with a giant icicle, but you'd be surprised at what plastic surgery and an eye patch can do.

Now, at first, I thought, "Oh great, another Christmas movie set in a warm climate." I've gotten really sick of those, so I was hesitant when the movie started out. But Jack Frost is magic, and he's able to turn that tropical island into a snowy deathtrap. He freezes everything, makes it snow, and makes it possible for him to take his snowman form, rather than just a wiggling, talking carrot. Yes, for the first half of the movie he was nothing but a talking carrot lying on the ground.

Once everyone realizes that Sam was right all along, and that Jack Frost is, indeed, back from the grave they put him in, they devise a plan to stop him once again. So they load up some squirt guns filled with anti-freeze, and they create a trap. But no one knew exactly why Jack was able to return. The bottles he was trapped in were dug up, and some genetic experiments brought him back to life.

But they changed him. That, and the fact that, when he was melted into the anti-freeze in the first movie, his DNA kind of fused with Sam's. So this go 'round, the anti-freeze didn't work. Sure, it hurt him a little and kind of pissed him off, but he was still very much alive. After that failed attempt, Sam went a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs, and he wasn't good for anything for the rest of the movie--except mumbling to himself and looking like a crazy person.

When Jack swallowed some of the anti-freeze they shot at him, he choked a little and threw up a big disgusting snowball. They all took it back in their room and tried to figure out whether it was a normal snowball, or if it was Jack trying to play a trick on them. They tried melting it for a while, but it just wouldn't go down. They eventually realized that it wasn't a snowball at all, but it was an egg. A freaking egg! The egg hatched, and out came an adorable little Snowbaby. Yep, Jack Frost can reproduce this time. So not only do they have the giant killer snowman to worry about, but they've all his little evil offspring trying to kill them as well. It reminded me a little bit of Gremlins, because when the Snowbabies weren't killing people, they were just off getting drunk and having a good time. There was even one of them that had an icicle mohawk, which reminded me of Stripe, the leader of the gremlins. They were cute as can be, but they were pretty vicious too.

It took everyone a while to figure out how to kill them this time, but once they did...it was pretty damn hilarious. Turns out, when Jack's and Sam's DNA fused together, Jack picked up one of Jack's allergies. If that alone isn't funny enough for you...Just watch the movie, and the item that kills them will bring tears of laughter to your eyes.

Snowbaby!

And now...the best part. At the end, when the loving couple realizes it's officially their wedding day, they decide to have a little on-the-spot reception. They say some wedding-like mumbo jumbo, and then Jack pops up and says, "I now pronounce you...Totally freakin' dead!" If for no other reason, just watch the movie to see that one scene. It's probably one of the funniest things I've heard in a horror movie, and I've seen a lot of funny horror movies.

So there you have it. Jack Frost 2 is an improvement upon the original. Where the original was one of those kind of serious, but mostly silly types of horror movies...this one was just downright silly. It was funny, it had some blood, costume parties, a little side-boob, and it's a jolly good Christmas ride. My last day of Creepmas turned out pretty damn good, and I'm glad for it. I'd hate to end it on a sour note.

So Merry Creepmas everyone. Have a good holiday, be safe, and remember..."Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, Jack gouged eyes out with candle sticks." So if you see some innocent snowmen out there this Christmas, they might not be so innocent after all.

#257 -- 13 Days of Creepmas Day 11: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Jalamari Helander

Contains some spoilers

Today brings us another foreign film that focuses on the myth of Santa Claus. It's a little different from the last one I reviewed, Saint Nick, but at the same time it's very similar. The myth behind jolly 'ol Saint Nick is that he was actually a monster. He would punish naughty children by boiling them in a cauldron, or ripping them to shreds so that absolutely nothing remained. After a while, villagers grew tired of him, so they led him to his death by burying him underneath some ice. When winter was over, they dug up the ice block he was encased in and buried it underneath a bunch of rocks. In modern day Finland, that burial mound is known as the Korvatunturi Mountains. When a group of excavators unearths the ancient burial ground, they unleash with it a horde of strange beings.

The story focuses on a young boy, Pietari, and his father, a local reindeer herder. Pieterari and his friend witnessed the beginning of the excavation, and Pietari became obsessed with the legend behind Santa Claus. He did some research and learned of his evil ways, and when all of his friends started disappearing, he was certain that Santa had returned to punish those who had been naughty. His father found a sickly old man trapped in a wolf pit, and Pietari was sure it was Santa Claus. Later on in the movie, we learn that he was only one of Santa's elves, and that the real true form of Santa was far more disturbing.

I went into this expecting a horror movie and, if you've already watched it, you probably did too. That's what we were meant to think. But if you haven't yet seen it, don't be mistaken. It's not a horror movie. There are some elements of horror, though I'm stretching it a bit just so I can justify having it on my horror movie blog. It could be categorized as a fantasy/horror, but mostly it's just fantasy. It's almost child-friendly, if not for all the old men running around naked.

The Good

The movie was filmed beautifully, a trait I find pretty much synonymous with foreign movies. The scenery was beautiful, and it definitely looked good. The legend behind Santa Claus was interesting, but that is nothing new. I'm always interested in stories that take something familiar, and twist it up until it becomes completely foreign. The relationship between Pietari and his father was also interesting. You could definitely see love there, though they did seem a little distant, and I found myself feeling certain that the death of Pietari's mother had something to do with that (though they never relayed the whereabouts of his mother, I simply assumed). The "elf" they found in the wolf pit was certainly disturbing, and not only because he was a gross, naked old man. He didn't speak, hardly ever moved, and he piqued my interest.

The Bad

I'm going to start with something fairly simple. If you, like me, cannot stand animal violence (or carcasses) in any way, shape, or form, there are some parts of this movie you'll find offensive. One is the pig's head Pietari's father hangs up as bait for some wolves. The other is the rest of the pig, which Pietari's father hacks up in his barn. Another is the hundred-some reindeer that are slaughtered  which is the first sign that something in the village is amiss.
I understand that it's part of the story, and I'm not mad about it. But it was definitely something that I didn't want to see.

Old-man balls. If you're opposed to full-frontals, especially those of really old men, then..yeah, you'll have some issues.

And my biggest issue...The true form of Santa. I was so intrigued by this, and I so desperately wished to see it. When they finally discovered him, he was still encased in ice. It was huge, and the only thing we could see of it were the two giant horns protruding from it. Does that sound bad-ass, or what? I'm not sure what he was exactly, but I'm guessing he was some sort of giant, ancient Minotaur or something. Or at least, I'd like to believe that because Minotaurs are awesome (not as great as Centaurs, but great nonetheless). Unfortunately, though, they blow it up before we get to see anything. Huge disappointment.

Rare Exports certainly wasn't what I expected. It was marketed as a horror movie, and it was on all the Christmas horror movie lists...But it's more of a fantasy. That's where most of my disappointment comes from. When you go into a movie expecting something horrific, and you don't get that, you're bound to be disappointed by it. I think if I had watched it not ever having heard of it before, I would have enjoyed it more. That being said, it's really not a bad movie, and I'd definitely recommend that you watch it. It's a different look on the mythos of Santa and his helpers, and it's far from dull. There are some slow moments, but it will pique your interest enough so that you don't become bored with it. Just don't go into it expecting a horror movie, because you won't get it.

#253 -- 13 Days of Creepmas Day 7: Gremlins (1984)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Joe Dante

I saw this movie when I was a kid, and I never considered it a horror movie. It was more like one of those movies that made me want things that I couldn't possibly have. Other little girls had Disney movies, I had Gremlins. They wanted their Prince Charming, I wanted a fucking Mogwai. I even forced my aunt to name her dog Gizmo so I could kind of pretend. But alas, I still haven't found my Mogwai. I also never really considered this a Christmas movie, even though it did take place on the holiday. But it's on everyone's Christmas horror list, so here it is on mine.

It's about a boy named Billy who gets an interesting Christmas gift from his wacky inventor father. Daddy spent a great bit of cash on the little thing in a shop in Chinatown, just because it was different and he thought Billy might like it. Even though he was warned that, "with Mogwai comes great responsibility," he never even considered that the world (or at least their town) would almost be destroyed. So Daddy took little Gizmo home to Billy, explained the rules, and everything was fucked up. There are three rules for Mogwai care: keep it away from bright lights, do not get it wet, and NEVER feed it after midnight. The first rule is broken by Corey Feldman when he spills some water on Gizmo. When he does, two things happen. First, little balls of fur pop out of him and turn into other Mogwai. Second, it seems pretty painful for him, so it succeeds in making us feel really bad. The other Mogwai end up a little different than Gizmo, though. Where Gizmo is a sweet, adorable little thing, the others are little hellions and none of them like poor Gizmo.

The second rule of Mogwai care is broken thanks to an unplugged clock, when Billy things it's earlier than it actually is and feeds them all some fried chicken. Thankfully, Gizmo isn't hungry at that point, and he is perfectly fine. But the others? They turn into vicious little hideous monsters!

Mogwai are cute. Everyone knows that. Even if you're not entirely familiar with the movie, you've probably seen Gizmo at some point in your life. And you're not human if he's not the cutest thing you've ever seen. But once they turn into Gremlins, they're pretty nasty. And not only in their physical appearance;

Cuteness overload! 

they're little slobs, perverts and jerkwads. They're just overall bad seeds. Which, I guess, is why they decide to go around town killing people and fucking shit up.

The Good

I've already  mentioned it, but I can't say it enough. Gizmo is the cutest thing EVER. From his tiny little face, his tiny little furry body; to the fact that he likes to sing, watch old movies, and pretend he's a racecar driver...Everything about him screams, "Love me!" Well, we do, Gizmo. We most certainly do.

The Gremlins are actually pretty scary, and kind of funny at times. At one point, they invade the local pub, get shitfaced and act like hooligans. One of them even puts on a trench coat and flashes the bartender. Hoorah! Their kills are pretty cool too--like sucking a man into a mailbox, and things like that.

It's '80s cheese at its best. There are some graphic kills, some corny characters and some all around weird shit going down. It's everything we've come to love about the decade, plus a cute little creature that I desperately wish to own.

Everyone's heard the expression about Gremlins messing up all your machines. Well, this movie adequately explains it. I think I've got about ten million of those little buggers in my house, and they all focus on my computer. I wish they'd mess something else up for a change.

The Bad

Chill out, guys. There's just one tiny little thing. Once the Gremlins showed up, Gizmo pretty much stayed hidden in Billy's backpack. He was so scared, the poor little fella. I wish there would have been more Gizmo, because I love him so and it saddens me to say that he wasn't present enough. I think they should make a movie that is nothing but Gizmo in that little Santa hat, singing while Billy plays the keyboard. I would SO watch that.

What I learned

There are a few things I learned about the movie this time around that I didn't know to begin with. First of all, Joe Dante directed the movie. I never paid attention to directors until recently, and I wouldn't have known him when I was a kid if I had. But he directed a couple of episodes of Masters of Horror, so I was happy to see that I recognized him.

Second, and most interesting in my opinion--the voice of Gizmo was done by none other than Howie

FREAKIN' Mandel. I didn't know it, and for some reason, I find it extremely hilarious. I really have no idea, why, but it's funny.

If you buy any sort of animal from a creepy old man in Chinatown...Well, scratch that. The creepy old man actually refused to sell the Mogwai, but his grandson, apparently, just wanted to get rid of it. So, if some little Asian kid pawns a strange animal off on you, and he tells you that you've got to take special care of it...You'd better listen, because it might just kill you.

And Remember...

"...if your air conditioner goes on the fritz, or your washing machine blows up, or your video recorder conks out...before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights, check all the closets and cupboards, look under all the beds; 'cause you never can tell...There just might be a gremlin in your house."

#236 -- Frankenstein (1931)

Frankenstein (1931) film poster (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Rating: 5 / 5
Director: James Whale

This is often considered the single greatest horror movie ever made. While it's not my number one favorite movie, I would probably have to agree. It was one of the first horror monsters in creation, one of the "big three," as I like to call them (along with Dracula and The Wolf Man). It has inspired so much, has been copied and remade, but it has, and never will be, duplicated.

I read the book when I was in high school, and even though I don't remember every little detail, I do remember how completely different it was. In the book, the Monster was actually a very intelligent creature. After he was cast out by his creator, he wandered the wilderness. He eventually taught himself to speak and read, and he had an actual thought process--not like this Monster we've come to know and love. He was also kind of an asshole. His goal was to find Victor, his creator, and have revenge on him and his family for creating and shunning him. He also wanted a bride, so that he wouldn't feel so alone; when Victor didn't comply (or rather, promised him a mate and didn't make good on that promise), he was even angrier. I really can't blame him for being the way he was. I would have been angry too. He didn't ask to be made; and he certainly didn't ask to be feared and hated.

In the movie, though, it seems they softened the Monster up a bit. To me, he was a very sympathetic and tragic character. The doctor was actually named Henry in the movie (they switched the names of Dr. Frankenstein and his best friend), and he was obsessed with creating the Monster. He didn't care how many times people called him crazy, because he wanted to discover something great. He and his assistant, Fritz, stole bodies from the cemetery and parts from the medical lab in order to work on his experiment. Fritz, whose job it was to find the brain for the creature, messed up. He got an abnormal brain rather than a normal brain, which would be the cause of the creature's "viciousness." He stayed alone in an abandoned tower, leaving his family, friends and fiance home to worry about him. His best friend Victor, a doctor friend, and fiance Elizabeth visited him one day, claiming once again that he was crazy. But the storm that would bring his creation to life was brewing, and he was determined to show everyone that he was perfectly sane.


When he finally brought the creature to life, he started to regret it. He seemed fine at first, until Fritz brought a torch into the room, causing the Monster to lash out at everyone. This wasn't because he was vicious, of course; it was simply because he was afraid. But that scared everyone. They locked him up and planned to destroy him. Henry and Elizabeth returned home, leaving Henry's doctor friend to destroy the Monster. That didn't go very well for the doctor, and the Monster escaped.

The first person he met after his escape was a little girl named Maria. He befriended her for a brief period, which is what showed me that he was a severely misunderstood character. They were playing with flowers by a lake, and Maria was showing him how they floated. When he ran out of flowers, he decided to throw Maria in the lake. He had no intentions of harming her in any way; he was only trying to play with her. After that, he ran away in search of his creator. He crashed Henry and Elizabeth's wedding, while an angry mob was forming in the town. The mob chased the Monster to a big windmill in the mountains, where the set fire to the building, and supposedly destroyed the Monster for good.

What I love about the movie is the fact that the Monster is a sympathetic and misunderstood character. Like a snake, he only became vicious when he was threatened. He never meant to hurt anyone; but they frightened him and he saw no other option. I do believe he felt some negativity towards the Frankenstein family for creating and deserting him, but the way this character was portrayed, I really don't think he had the brain power to come up with such things. In the book, yes; but in the movie, he was meant to be a brain-dead monster and nothing more. I really think he only wanted to be reunited with his "father," and not to be left alone any longer.

A couple of things I really enjoyed about the movie--Frederick Kerr as Henry Frankenstein's father. He was silly, and he made me laugh every time he was on screen. He was the typical silly old man, and I really enjoyed him. And, of course, Boris Karloff. This was my first introduction to him, and I've loved him ever since. What's interesting, though, is that he wasn't even credited as playing The Monster. In the credits, there was only a question mark where his name should have been. I guess that added to the mystery and terror of the character, which I thought was really cool.

Either way you choose to look at it, love it or hate it, you cannot deny that Frankenstein is a piece of cinematic history that will never lose its place in the hearts of horror fans.

#215 -- Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood (2003)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Steven Ayromlooi

Let me explain something to you before I being. It's very simple. Most of these movies (excluding the first, in my opinion) are pretty bad. I actually haven't seen the one where leprechaun went to the hood the first time. But I did see when he went into space, so I can honestly say they're pretty bad. That being said, I still love this little guy. Even though the movies kind of suck, the leprechaun is still awesome.

At the beginning of the movie, Leprechaun was banished by a priest back to Hell. But a year later, a group of urban college-age kids stumbled on his beloved gold. Emily, the main focus of the movie, was warned by a fortune teller that she would come across a great deal of money. The fortune teller explained to her that she must deny the fortune, because it would come at a great price. But did they listen? Of course not. Once they found the gold, they started spending it like crazy. They bought new wardrobes, new cars, fancy gold teeth, and a whole shit ton of  marijuana.

You know that saying, "When in Rome?" Well, apparently even leprechauns believe it. One of his new friends got him high, only for Leprechaun to discover he had some of his gold. He got stabbed in the gut with a bong. Then Leprechaun stumbled around the house looking for something to eat, running into various cabinets along the way. He finally found the refrigerator and got locked inside of it. He didn't find anything to eat, but he did find the situation completely hilarious.

So, why was Leprechaun in the hood? Well, I don't know why he was there to begin with, but I know that when they found his gold, it brought him back from the depths of Hell. I'm not even sure why he ever left Ireland. It did explain, though, why he is so evil. The others might have explained that as well, but it's been so long since I've seen them, I don't remember.

Leprechauns, in mythology, were protectors of fortune. In this one's case, he and a bunch of other leprechauns protected the fortune of their king. They took their job very seriously, as you can probably guess. They had some kind of earthly, magical powers that helped them protect the gold. When their king died, they were all sent back down into the earth. All except one. That one became very evil, and he wold do anything to continue protecting the gold.

This one was just silly. I will admit that it had me laughing out loud, but that didn't make me love the movie. I do love the original, but after that, they just started getting bad. I didn't love this one; I didn't even like it, really. But I didn't hate it. It's definitely worth it to watch just for the laughs. But other than that, it's not good for much else. Still, I love that little guy.

Even if you don't like these movies, even if you hate them; you can't really hate it for being what it is. It's about a killer leprechaun. How can that possibly be anything but silly and stupid? It can't. So, if you go into this expecting it to be anything other than that, then you are terribly mistaken. If you realize what it is, what it's meant to be, then you won't feel that much hatred for it.

#214 -- Monster in the Closet (1986)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Bob Dahlin

Everything you're thinking right now is probably correct. Monster in the Closet is a film from Troma studios that pokes at the monster movies of old. It was meant to be silly, but at the same time, it doesn't seem like it was trying to be silly. They created something ridiculous, but they pulled it off with seriousness. Don't be confused, though. It's not about the boogeyman. This thing was 100% monster.

Possibly from another planet, the monster preyed on innocent people while hiding in their closets. Why it chose closets, no one could be sure. They figured that a closet was its safe place; a place where it could rest and rejuvenate itself. But if anyone should wander into the closet where it was hiding, you best believe that person didn't come back out. It wasn't really clear what it was doing to begin with. All we got was a high pitched sound, and then everything from the closet being tossed about. There's nothing to see, really. It takes a good while for us to actually get a look at the monster too.

A reporter, Richard Clark, was put on the case of the Closet Creature killings. He went to a town called Chestnut Hills to investigate. While he was there, he met with a college biology professor who supposedly believed that the creature was actually a giant snake (because two puncture wounds were found in each victim). Along with Professor Bennett, Richard met Father Finnegan, a priest who apparently was Dr. Bennett's uncle. Also there was Dr. Pennyworth, a man who worked with Dr. Bennett; and "Professor," Dr. Bennett's son. They all had their theories on how to destroy the monster, but they learned the truth a little bit too late.

Richard Clark was sort of like a superman. He wore giant, ugly glasses all the time. But when those glasses were removed for whatever reason, Dr. Bennett went into some sort of trance. She couldn't look at anything except him. What I thought was foreshadowing a budding relationship actually played a big role in the ending of the movie. Because when The Monster saw Richard without his glasses, it had the same effect. He took Richard prisoner, but it didn't intend to hurt him. Maybe it was looking for a mate? Maybe it had fallen in love with him because of his charming good looks? I'm not sure, but its compassion toward Richard ended up being its downfall. As one of the characters (I can't remember which) said, "'Twas beauty killed the beast."

The solution was quite simple and predictable, but it worked in its own way. No man nor machine could destroy the monster. No amount of fire power could take it down. Guns, tanks, whatever--the army was at a loss, and all they could do was evacuate everyone. What could be done to destroy a creature that lives in closets? Well, that seems pretty obvious to me.

The movie was silly, of course. But it had a little ray of seriousness about it. It is a Troma movie, though, so how serious could it honestly be? Not very. The monster itself was really strange-looking. It was a gigantic hunchback, with a gaping mouth rimmed with teeth. But those teeth aren't what caused the puncture wounds found on the victims. There was another creature living inside of the monster, a little worm-looking thing. It would slither out of the monster's gaping hole of a mouth to kill its victims. It doesn't make much sense, but that's what I like about these movies. They're always creative and different, and you can't honestly say you've ever seen anything like them. These movies do what many other movies attempt to do: to be so stupid they're good, instead of just plain stupid. Monster in the Closet is a good example. I've never seen a movie like this before, and I probably never will again.

This one has a couple of familiar faces in it. Dr. Pennyworth was played by Henry Gibson (who has been in so many things, but the most memorable for me is Luck of the Irish). The geeky little boy, "Professor," was played by a very young Paul Walker (yes, the same one from the Fast and the Furious movies), and John Carradine had a short role as a blind man searching a closet for his seeing-eye dog.

Troma is an acquired taste, I've come to figure out. I've  never actually met another person who likes them the way that I do. I still have hope, though, that I will find a kindred soul who enjoys cheesy movies that poke fun at themselves.  

#200 -- Boogeyman (2005)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Stephen Kay

I don't remember what my rating was for the sequel of this movie, but I hope it wasn't very high. I saw this one first, but I re-watched the second one before I re-watched this one...if that makes any sense. I enjoyed the sequel then, but now that I watch this one again, I realize how shitty it was in comparison. That one wasn't even a real boogeyman; it was a regular crazy man pretending to be the boogeyman. Here, it's the real deal.

It's about a guy named Tim Jenson (Barry Watson from 7th Heaven). When he was eight years old, he saw his father dragged into his closet by an unknown force. He was already scared of the mystery that lay in his closet (and other various small rooms), and that only intensified his fear. As an adult, that fear did not dissipate at all. Tim lived in an apartment with heavy duty lighting, and he removed all doors that led to small spaces. His mother went a little crazy after his father "left," and she was institutionalized. Honestly, Tim should have been right there beside her. He seemed quite nutty throughout the majority of the film. When his mother died, he went back to his old house to look through her things, and perhaps give himself a little bit of closure. I think he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't afraid, and that he could make it through the night.

He befriended a little girl (because children were the only people who would believe him), and he later learned that she was the ghost of a child that the boogeyman had taken. She revealed to him the way to defeat him: by facing him. Tim wandered through closets that led him to other places--places like the motel room where his girlfriend was snatched, and to a friend's house where she was almost snatched. Finally, he bolted a chair down, facing his closet door. He was determined to rid himself of the boogeyman once and for all.

The boogeyman wasn't a real man at all. He was made up of all the things that frightened Tim as a child. I think we've all had things like that. Tree limbs outside the window that look like bony fingers; jackets that look like people in the dark of night, and other such things. It was all of these things combined that created the boogeyman; they turned him into reality. The fear of the boogeyman troubled Tim more than anyone else, because he believed in him more than anyone else. It is the old psychology that only believing it makes it true.  If you don't believe, it can't hurt you. All Tim had to do was face those old fears, and make himself realize that there truly wasn't anything to be afraid of at all.

I really like this movie. I wouldn't call it one of my favorites, but it's definitely good. It's got a few jump-scares in it, but that's not the only reason I like it. We can all relate to it. I think everyone, at some point in their childhood, was afraid of the monster in the closet. I know I was. There was an old urban legend about a boy getting locked in the closet by his brother. The boy screamed and yelled for a while, but the brother just laughed and wouldn't let him out. After a while, his screams faded. The brother opened the closet door to find that the boy had vanished. That is what terrified me. It is, again, the fear of the unknown that causes us to tremble while opening our closet doors. We don't know what's in there; all we know is that, once we open that door, it's going to get us.

Boogeyman beckons the child in all of us. It feeds on our most intimate and childish fears, and then it throws them in our face. It's a horror movie, but at the same time it's a psychological thriller. It's all about the downfall of a man's sanity, all due to the fears that lived on past his childhood.

#199 -- Die, Monster, Die! (1965)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Daniel Haller

I just love how these old movies rope you in with their covers. On the top it says, "Can you face the ultimate in diabolism...can you stand pure terror?" And then down below, in smaller writing, it says, "It COULD happen; It MAY happen; It MIGHT happen...to YOU!" It makes you think that you're about to witness the deepest depravities, the purest terror that you will ever witness; then it scares you by saying it's going to happen to you. Plus it's got that catchy title and the wicked looking monster. All that, plus the bright colors, is what caught my attention. And, of course, "Starring Boris Karloff" got me too.

Die, Monster, Die! is about a man named Stephen who goes to England to visit his girlfriend, Susan. Once he gets there, it's immediately obvious that something fishy is going on. No one in the town will tell him how to get to the house, and everyone seems afraid of the mere mentioning of the name Witley. He ends up having to walk to the house, which is hidden pretty well out in the woods. On the way, he finds a sinkhole with everything around it dead. Mr. Witley (Karloff) is not very accepting of Stephen, and tells him to get away at once. Susan, of course, loves him and insists that he stay. Mrs. Witley is ill; she never leaves her darkened bedroom or the safety of her canopy-covered bed. She confesses to Stephen that their maid, Helga, disappeared after a bout of some disease which caused her to act in the same way that Mrs. Witley is acting now. She asks Stephen to take Susan away from the house immediately, and it seems like she's scared of her husband.


It doesn't take Stephen very long to realize that something is really wrong with the Witley house, and their family. Mr. Witley seems to have taken up the ways of his father, Corbin Witley, who was into some sort of dark arts. Mrs. Witley says something about Corbin unleashing dark forces into the house, and that they've finally arrived to doom them all. The house butler, Merwyn, dies mysteriously one night, and Mr. Witley is keen on covering the whole thing up. Stephen follows him as he buries Merwyn's body, and he stumbles on the property greenhouse. It truly is green, shrouded by a mysterious glow, but it's locked so Stephen can't get in to investigate right away. After he's attacked in the woods by a woman he is sure is Helga, he insists that Susan help him into the greenhouse to find the answers. They break in, and what they find is truly terrifying. There are giant plants all over, and a back room filled with mutated creatures. They find a glowing green stone that is later revealed as a meteorite, fallen from the skies. Mr. Witley is sure that it was sent by his father to continue his devilish ways.

So, what does this stone do? It makes plants grow abnormally large, and turns creatures and humans alike into monsters.

Once the full effect takes over Mrs. Witley, she becomes a gruesome thing and attacks Stephen. Mr. Witley finally realizes (or at least admits) that the stone is dangerous, and he tries to destroy it. Unfortunately, the evil grabs hold of him as well.


This was based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft, who seemed to be very interested in scientific and in-explainable mysteries. Of course it's interesting and different, that need not be stated. Older movies have a way of being very unique and different, which is one of the reasons I love them. Boris Karloff was amazing, as usual, and remains one of my favorite actors. This was a time before psychos stalking campers or babysitters; it was a time of things that could not be explained, and that is the worlds greatest fear: the unknown. I don't know exactly what that stone was, but hey! It could happen to me, right? So of course I should be afraid of it, especially since I don't know what it is. If I knew what it was, there would be a way to destroy it, or overcome it. I could learn from it, or about it, in a way that would help me survive it. But since I have no idea, there's no way around it; once it takes hold of my soul, there's no getting free.

#193 -- The Toxic Avenger (1984)

Rating: 5 / 5
Directors: Michael Herz & Lloyd Kaufman

He was 95 pounds of solid nerd, until he became...The Toxic Avenger!

With all those other lucky superheroes out there, I think it's nice to have an unlucky one who everyone can relate to. Iron Man could only do what he did because he had money, and it was the same with Batman. Superman was an alien, so he doesn't count. Thor was a God, so it's only natural that he'd be badass. And then there's Melvin Ferd. I think he's like a cross between Captain America and The Hulk. Captain America was a tiny little nerd, until some unlikely and surprising circumstances turned him into a hero. Bruce Banner was a normal guy, until he was exposed to some gamma rays, turning him into The Hulk.

Melvin was the biggest nerd you could ever imagine. I actually think that's how they came up with his last name--Ferd--a contraction of Fucking Nerd. I mean, he was the worst. He was goofy looking, he was clumsy, he was a pervert; he was every bully's favorite guy. He was a janitor at the Tromaville Health Club. They called him the Mop Boy, and  he was an extremely easy target for ridicule. There was a group of bullies in particular that liked to pick on Melvin, but they were more than just bullies. They were murderers. They played a game of hit and run, with each target earning them a certain amount of points. One day one of the evil girls, Julie, decided to play a prank on Melvin. She told him she wanted to do it with him, but only if he was wearing pink, because pink really turned him on. Since he didn't have anything pink, she gave him a tutu and told him to meet her at the pool. When he got there, all the lights were out, but he followed her voice to her waiting lips. Or what he thought were her waiting lips; the lips that actually awaited him belonged to a sheep. Completely humiliated, Melvin ran.

Everyone in the gym ran after him, cackling laughter all the way. He ended up jumping out of a window, and he landed in a barrel of toxic waste on a truck parked below. Instead of killing him, like you would expect, the toxic waste gave him superpowers.

Everyone who knows anything about Troma knows that they are low budget movies. But anyone who watches them knows that their effects are actually quite good. The transformation from Melvin to Toxic Avenger was gruesome, gross, and awesome. After he was transformed by the toxic waste, Melvin had a sort of spidey sense. Whenever evil was around, he lost control, and he just had to destroy it. The superhero inside of him took over, and evil was no match for him. Toxie, as his fans so lovingly refer to him now, was vicious and bad ass. He could really fuck shit up. And trust me, there were plenty of people to be fucked up in Tromaville. It was a crime-ridden town, with gangs, thieves, drug dealers, and crooked politicians galore. But Toxie was on a mission to rid his beloved town of all evil--cleaning up crime, one thug at a time, with his mops of justice. They called him The Monster Hero, and he was either loved or hated by the townspeople. Some were afraid of him, and thought he should be destroyed, though those were mostly the crooked ones with something to  hide. The others, the ones he saved from the gangs, were very thankful and loyal to him. Along with his blind girlfriend Sarah, they were all on his side, and they would save him from the evil government trying to kill him.

Even though it was a terrible situation that Melvin was thrown into, it wasn't all bad. He got to have his revenge in the end, and he became a hero with a beautiful woman by his side. This might not be a full-fledged horror movie (I think it's lumped in there because of all the over-the-top gore).

It's a beautiful coming of age story with a wonderful message to tell. If Melvin Ferd, the biggest loser on the planet, can find his place in this world, and find love while he's at it, so can you.

To me, there's no excuse for not loving this movie. If you don't, you're a weirdo and you should be ashamed of yourself. Not really, but I do think it appeals to many different senses. It's got the typical Troma gore--over the top and completely ridiculous, but at the same time fucking awesome. It's got those stupid, corny jokes I've come to love. And, of course, it's got an unbelievable story that becomes believable with its wonderful characters. Toxic waste or no, Melvin Ferd is the shit. And if you're one of those awesome people who do enjoy this kind of think, you should check out the novelization of the movie, written by Lloyd Kaufman himself (along with some guy named Adam Jahnke, though I believe it was just Lloyd and he's fucking with us). It gets deeper into Melvin's past, as well as his girlfriend Sarah's. It also tells us more of the corruption of Tromaville and its leaders. And also, it's funny as shit.

The Toxic Avenger is a franchise no one expected. How could something so stupid go so far? Two sequels, books, a children's cartoon, a theater production (I'm not even kidding), action figures, etc. Toxie has become an icon and a household name. So my last words for you guys are these: All hail the monster hero!

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can

#176 -- The Bride (1985)

Director: Franc Roddam
Rating: 3 / 5

If you know anything about me, you know that I expected absolutely nothing from this. I wanted to watch it to see just how much I hated it. But, surprisingly, I didn't hate it. I didn't love it, but I was surprised that it didn't make me foam at the mouth with rage. The Bride is a dramatic re-imagining of the classic film The Bride of Frankenstein. It is dramatic in the sense that it is very different, and in that it is a dramatic movie. Where the original ended when the monster met his bride, that is where this one begins. The first thing you'll notice is that the monster isn't the hideous creature we've come to associate with the title. He's no hunk, but he is not frightening and repulsive. The monster's bride, Eva (Jennifer Beals, Flashdance), is very beautiful, but she is frightened by him at first. After being rejected, the monster accidentally starts a fire which presumably leaves him dead. However, he escapes into the woods, where he meets a dwarf named Rinaldo, who names him Viktor, and they run away to the circus together. At the circus, they develop a cute little trapeze act, in which the monster wears a dress and screams, "My baby!" as Rinaldo dangles from the trapeze. Rinaldo then fakes dizziness and falls, only to be saved by a harness. On one instance, though, a fellow carny tampers with his harness, and Rinaldo is killed. Outraged, Viktor kills the man who took his only friend's life, and then flees back home, with jewels to give Eva as a token of his love for her.

Meanwhile, Dr. Frankenstein (Sting) is teaching Eva to be a very respectable woman. She is beautiful, elegant, and sophisticated. His plan was to create a woman who was equal to man; a woman who was strong and independent with her own mind. He succeeds in his plan, but soon discovers that he doesn't like this woman very much. She is too rebellious, and she refuses to obey his every command. He wishes to marry her, but she wants no such thing. Eva meets Viktor in the woods, but she doesn't remember him at first. When Dr. Frankenstein decides to make Eva his, whether she approves or not, Viktor barges in to save her from the attempted rape, killing Dr. Frankenstein in the process.

I found this movie on Fearnet On Demand, so I suppose it is classified as a horror movie, but I'm not sure why. Probably because it is based on the famous Dr. Frankenstein and his creations. The originals were undeniably horror, though they were beautifully tragic stories. This one is more of a sad drama. The monster did meet his mate again at the end, though I'm not sure if there was any love between them. There was definitely friendship, as they were kindred souls created from parts of the dead. It was a nice, happy ending that worked really well with the rest of the movie. It was different, but that wasn't really a bad thing. I expected to hate it, but it really wasn't a horrible movie. It was well made, and all of the actors were great. It was a different view of a classic story, and it worked. It's probably one of the best I've found On Demand so far. So don't go into this close-minded, as I did. Sure, it's a remake of a movie that we all know and love, but it's so much different that it can almost be considered a different movie entirely. It's not the best thing in the world, but it's by far not the worst. The only problem I had was that it was a tad bit boring. It was slow, but I guess that's because of the dramatic atmosphere of it. There wasn't a lot of action, and there wasn't any horror whatsoever. If you go into this one with an open mind, and don't expect it to be garbage, you might be able to appreciate it.