MMM Day 5: #338 -- Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

Director: Francis Ford Coppola
Rating: 3 / 5

I wanted to include Dracula in this week's monster madness, but I already reviewed the 1931 movie a while ago. I found this on demand, and I jumped on it. I've gone against everything I believe in. I have now seen two Dracula movies, and I haven't read the book. The shame!

I love Bela Lugosi as Dracula. To me, he is Dracula, and he always will be. This variation on the Count was interesting, to say the least. I thought Gary Oldman did a good job with the role, and the character was definitely creepy and different. But I just couldn't let myself believe that it was Dracula. He was a monster out of a child's nightmare. He could transform his looks at the blink of an eye -- from young to old, from human-like to werewolf to giant bat-creature. I'm familiar with vampires being able to transform into other beasts, but...the way I like it, they turn into regular bats and wolves. It seems more natural that way, if that makes any sense. The reason that I love Bela's Dracula is because he is natural. He was a monster disguised as a human; very sophisticated and romantic. This Dracula tried to be those things, but I just didn't feel it like I did with Bela. He lived in an enormous castle in Transylvania, he wore extravagant clothing, and he spoke with eloquence. But it just wasn't the same.

The love story at play here felt more like Romeo and Juliet than anything. In the beginning, we see Dracula with his lover, Elisabeta. Assuming (for reasons I didn't catch) that Dracula was dead, she took her own life. Dracula then stabbed a cross, from which gallons of blood spewed, and somehow turned himself into a vampire, swearing that he would avenge her death one day. How you can avenge someone's suicide is beyond me. Jump to the 1800s, and the story picks up in familiar territory. Jonathan Harker traveling to Transylvania to meet with the Count with real estate business. He ended up seduced and held captive by Dracula's three brides, while the Count went to London to seduce Jonathan's wife-to-be, Mina. Even though she barely knew him, and was apparently deeply in love with Jonathan not long before, she fell in love with Dracula. She married Jonathan anyway, even though she knew that she wanted someone else. Then she let Dracula transform her, and tried to protect him as Jonathan, Van Helsing, and some other people set out to kill him.

It sounds good, now that I write it out. And I guess the story is pretty good, it just wasn't executed in a way that I could get behind. The love story wasn't developed quite enough, and I couldn't feel the love that they supposedly felt for one another (neither Mina and Jonathan's, nor Mina and Dracula's). It didn't leave a mark. That love story is actually the only part of the movie that I was able to follow, since that was the main plot point going on here. The rest could have been cut out and I wouldn't feel any differently. I felt like I just couldn't follow the movie. Every couple of minutes, I felt like it had skipped and that I'd missed something. I just didn't get it. Though I did like Gary Oldman somewhat, the rest of the characters just didn't sit well with me. His was the only one that was actually developed; the rest were dull and forgettable.

Visually, the movie was great. I loved the atmosphere at work, and the cinematography looked good. The special effects were also striking, and it felt like a gothic fairy tale. A low budget movie with no effects or fancy camera work can still be a great movie if it has a great story to back it up. But a movie with all the technology to its disposal will still fail if the story is lacking that special something. That is the case with Bram Stoker's Dracula. Again, I haven't read the book; but those who have say that this is an awful adaptation. I'm not sure how the 1931 movie holds up for those people. But for me, sixty years, a lot of money and fancy equipment did not make a better movie.

#313 -- Near Dark (1987)

Director: Kathryn Bigelow
Rating: 2 / 5

I'm going to start by completely negating the purpose of this review. Regardless of anything I say here, you should experience this movie on your own. Apparently, it's got a healthy following, and a lot of people really love it. I appreciate what it was trying to do, but I definitely didn't love it. The only reason I even wanted to watch it was for Adrian Pasdar, who was in my favorite television show. I wanted to see what he looked like back in the '80s.

So, here's the deal. Country boy Caleb (Pasdar) meets a beautiful girl late one night. He's immediately drawn to her, takes her on a little date, and then offers to drive her home. But he refuses to take her all the way home until she gives him a kiss. One thing leads to another, and that kiss turns into a bite, changing Caleb's life forever. He almost makes it home when the girl, Mae, and her family swoop him up in their RV and get him wrapped up in their vampire life. Most of the family didn't want Caleb around, and they wanted him to prove himself by killing; but he couldn't do it. He just wasn't cut out to be a vampire. He found his place among them, though, by not being afraid to fight to keep them safe.

What most people like about this movie is that, even though it's somewhat modern, it takes things back to the way vampires used to be. I don't see it like that. These guys are nothing like Dracula. I do like it when horror movies are set out in the desert. It gives them a romantic yet gritty feel, which is always nice. These guys didn't kill only for feeding purposes, and their fangs weren't their only weapons. They fed on humans, of course, but sometimes they killed just for the sake of killing, it seemed. It focused more on the human side of the vampires, rather than the undead side. These people were crooks before they were turned, and that lifestyle stayed with them even after death. They lived like outlaws, even more so than they would if they were regular vampires. All of this is well and good, and I'm glad it stuck to the proper vampire mythos. But it doesn't change the fact that the movie was boring. There were a few good action scenes, but they weren't enough. Even the romance wasn't enough to make it extremely interesting to me. The best thing was Bill Paxton as one of the vampires. He was definitely malicious, and he made the movie. Other than that, I felt that the movie as a whole was pretty boring.

Like I said, though, you should experience it for yourself. A lot of people really enjoy it, and you might too. Just because I didn't doesn't mean that you won't.

#311 -- Abraham Linclon: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Director: Timur Bekmambetov
Rating: 4 / 5

I knew going into this that it was based on a book. I haven't read the book, but that told me one thing: that it was at least going to be a unique and interesting story. But I honestly didn't know what I was getting myself into. It turns out, it's actually a really great movie, and it was more than I imagined it would be. I took more from it than I would have expected.

I'm not an expert on Abe Lincoln. I know as much as every other regular person out there, and that is just what I remember from high school. Not much. He freed the slaves, and he wore a funky hat: that's just about it. But still, I feel like the people making the movie knew a lot about him. Even though I know practically nothing, I feel like most aspects of his life were adequately portrayed. I could be wrong. They could have been wrong. There could be Lincoln experts out there seething at how wrong they were. But none of that matters. Here, Lincoln is simply a fictional character based on a real man. Sill, I feel like Lincoln's story was told properly; just with a few extra little details thrown in.

As a young boy, Abe saw his mother murdered. He grew up with anger and hatred in his heart, and once he reached adulthood, he vowed vengeance on the man who committed the crime. He met with a man named Henry who informed him that the murderer was a vampire, and Henry taught Abe the ways of slaying. As with any job, the job of vampire hunter came with a few rules. Abe could only kill the vampires that Henry told him to kill, and none other. Henry obliged only so that he could wait until the day that his mother's murderer's name appeared on his list. Abe lived as a hunter for a while, and eventually learned that there was another evil he wished to destroy: slavery. He thought that, the best way to destroy this particular evil was with words rather than his axe. So he became president. The war began. The confederate army was full of vampires, and soldiers were dying left and right. It wasn't until Abe's son was killed the same way as his mother that he decided to take matters into his own hands. He picked up his axe once more and joined in the war himself.

Now, that's the basic premise of the movie; but naturally, there's much more to it than that. I don't want to spoil it, because it's something that you should experience on your own. It's full of love, betrayal, murder and heartache -- as are most vampire movies. The historical aspect of it only makes it more interesting, because you understand that most of these things actually did happen. So, here's what the movie did for me. It made me appreciate Honest Abe even more. I know it's sad, because I should have greatly appreciated him to begin with, but it is what it is. Secondly, it turned Abraham Lincoln into a sex symbol. Yes, I said it. I'm probably the only one who thinks this way, but bear with me. Physically, Benjamin Walker, who played Abe, is kind of cute. But that's not what attracted me to him. He was fucking bad-ass. The way he could swing that axe around was absolutely amazing. He was a great fighter. Plus, inside of the axe was a hidden gun. That just makes him even more bad-ass. Here, I was under the impression that Abraham Lincoln was a peaceful man (which, in reality, he probably was), but this fictional version of him could kick some serious vampire ass. Doing that in a suit and a funky top-hat just made it even better. Remember that commercial about the game "Apples to Apples", where it showed their version of "sexy Abe Lincoln"? Imagine that, just less goofy and with a big 'ol axe in his hand. I'm sure I'm not the only freaky horror girl out there who would find that sexy.

I'm rambling, I apologize. Anyways, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was, indeed, a very good movie. It was equal parts action, horror, romance and historical fiction. It had an interesting story which married reality with fantasy, and the vampire aspects of it actually made sense when linked with real events. Again, I haven't read the book, but I can only imagine that it's ten times better. So I definitely have to read it. I had high hopes for this one going into it, but I never imagined that I would like it as much as I did.

#301 -- My Stepdad's A Freakin' Vampire! (2009)

Director: David Matheny
Rating: 3 / 5

Everyone knows I'm a sucker for movies that look cheesy. I think it's safe to say that this one looked to be the epitome of the word, which is why I was intrigued by it. Sometimes, when I stumble upon something like this, it ends up being absolutely wonderful and becomes one of my favorite movies. Sometimes, it ends up being a piece of crap I wished I'd never watched. But at other times, like now, it ends up as something I could live with or without.

The movie was about a guy named Rusty, whose mother just married Richard. Rusty hated Richard, because he was sort of an asshole. When mom went out of town, she asked that the two of them get along, but all Rusty wanted to do was stay away from him. When he discovered the body of a missing mailman in their attic, though, he realized he might be dealing with something other than a horrible stepdad. He called the police, but once they arrived, the body was gone. So he went to the same person that all of us would go to in a similar situation: his best friend, Travis. Travis didn't believe him either, that is until they were attacked by the undead mailman.

They were saved by their school's janitor, who just happened to double as a vampire slayer (since, of course, his family had been killed by Richard himself). Gert, the janitor/vamp slayer, explained that Richard was actually the leader of an ancient vampire army. That army was brought to Earth by some sort of talisman, and once the army was defeated, it was taken under the protection of a certain family. It remained in that family ever since, and that family was the Funkhausers. Rusty Funkhauser. So, Richard had spend who-knows-how-long searching for that talisman, which is why he married Ms. Funkhauser. Once he found it, he would be able to raise his army again, and take over the world. It was up to Rusty, Travis, Gert, and a nerd-boy named Brad to defeat the vampire threat.

You can tell that this movie is fairly low budget, but it doesn't always show. It's sort of a hit or miss with this one. Sometimes everything looks wonderful, and at other times it just looks cheesy. As for the story, I liked it. The whole army/talisman thing was cool. The acting was just okay, and the effects, again, where hit or miss. It was definitely a cheesy movie that had quite a few laugh-out-loud moments. For the most part, I say it was a good effort, but I feel like it was missing something. The entire time, I felt like, if they'd just pushed things a little harder and made a little bit more of an effort, it would have been great. It definitely wasn't a bad movie, but it just failed to go the extra mile. I was entertained, and it's definitely something to check out if you're into this sort of thing--like I am.

This review was part of Vampire's Day Soiree, hosted by Holly's Horrorland. What better way to spend the most romantic day of the year than by sitting down to a nice vampire movie? Or, in my case, a cheesy vampire movie. I could have chosen a more sophisticated movie, but instead I chose something that my boyfriend and I could both agree on. He wouldn't have enjoyed an older or foreign movie, so cheesy it was! It is, after all, the couple's holiday, and I wouldn't have felt right watching it alone. Besides, he promised to watch a movie with me, which doesn't happen often, so I didn't want to jeopardize that.

Anyways, I love the idea of this, and I hope it continues throughout the years. I'm looking forward to participating in this event again. Head on over to Holly's blog to check out the other participants and enjoy all the vampire goodness.

#300 -- Fright Night Part II (1988)

Director: Tommy Lee Wallace
Rating: 3.5 / 5

For a long time, I didn't even know there was a sequel to Fright Night. I saw it on TV, so I recorded it right away. But I waited a long time to actually watch it because, well...naturally, most people are a little hesitant when it comes to sequels. Plus, the description was something about Charlie believing that the events in the first movie never even happened. I was scared that I'd just be watching Charlie doing normal things and not believing in vampires. I was just being cynical, though; I should have known that something would happen to make him start believing again. Duh.

So, Charlie went to college, got a new girlfriend named Alex, and started seeing a therapist after the traumatic experience with Jerry Dandrige. The therapist had him convinced that things were not as they seemed. Charlie started believing that Jerry was just your average every day serial killer. He believed that, after having his best friend and girlfriend kidnapped by he guy, his mind created the vampire scenario. I guess, maybe, he thought a vampire would be easier to deal with than a regular serial killer. It doesn't really make sense to me, and it shouldn't have made sense to Charlie. But what can you do? Therapists can make you believe some crazy things. Anyways, Charlie is afraid to visit his old friend Peter Vincent for reasons I don't really get. It was one of two things: either he didn't want to relive what they went through, or he felt bad for Peter because he still believed in vampires. But after he had his last session with the therapist, he decided it was time to go see him, and he took Alex along for the ride. You could tell straight away that Alex was a keeper. She knew all about Charlie's story and his fear of vampires, and she helped him through it. When she met Peter, she didn't think he was crazy with all his "vampires are real!" talk. She thought he was cute, I think. When Charlie said that he loved the book "Dracula," she went to the library and read it in, like, ten minutes. Plus she was pretty hot. I really hope Charlie married that girl.

Anyways, after their visit with Peter, Charlie was hanging out in the lobby of his apartment building while Alex went to the little girl's room. In walks a group of weird looking people. Instantly, his old hesitance came back. He watched these people like a hawk until he realized that he was doing the exact same thing he did with Jerry, and he decided that he was acting crazy. As time progressed, though, he kept seeing these people, and they only became more and more suspicious. He started following them, until he finally saw two of the girls attack one of his friends. It was at this point that he went to Peter for help. They investigated, found a rational explanation (a vampire-themed party) for what he had seen, and then Charlie went back to his "vampires aren't real" mind frame. It went in an opposite direction than the first movie, as Peter ended up being the one trying to convince Charlie that there were vampires around them.

Let's talk about this "group" that I mentioned. They were a pretty colorful bunch, to say the least. One of them I can only describe as being the epitome of the '80s; complete with an over-the-top teased up hair-do, the roller blades that he never took off, and the wacky clothes. One of them I don't think was a vampire at all. He seemed to be the leader of the group, though. I call him bug-man, because he liked to eat bugs, and once he was killed a whole bunch of maggots and mill worms spilled out instead of guts. One was a werewolf. Wait, what!? A fucking werewolf? Oh yes. And he had a thing for Charlie's girlfriend, so you know that didn't end very well. The one that the movie mainly focuses on, though, was Regine. She plagued Charlie's dreams, seemed to follow him everywhere, and she was so seductive that it was a struggle for Charlie to resist her. He was a gentleman, though, and he stayed faithful to his girl. So don't worry, ladies. Charlie's not a complete ass. Anyways, Regine was holding a grudge against Charlie for something I'll let you figure out for yourself (though you can probably figure it out pretty easily). She planned on turning him into a vampire, so that she could torture him for the rest of his everlasting life.

Fright Night Part II is definitely a good movie. It's got everything the first one had: humor, Charlie panicking like a crackhead, some gnarly special effects, and of course, some evil vampires. I didn't like it quite as much as the first one, but I still thought it was great. The vampires looked a little different -- once they turned into full-on vamp form, they kind of looked like giant deformed bats. They looked awesome, but I didn't like them quite as much as their appearance in the first one. I liked Charlie's girlfriend a lot better in this one, though. Amy was kind of annoying, but Alex was wonderful. She was very supportive of Charlie, she never left his side, and when it came down to vampire-fighting, she was no scaredy cat. Oh, here's one thing that I loved about it. Regine actually stole Peter's job as host of Fright Night. Instead of sitting back and letting her steal his thunder, though, he decided to go and kill her -- while they were filming! He failed and got arrested, of course. He was screaming at the cops about vampires and how he was a vampire killer, and he was committed to the crazy farm. Ha!

Anyways, as far as sequels go, I thought this one was pretty great. No, it's not as good as the first one, but they rarely are. It seems like there are quite a lot of people who love this one just as much (if not more) than the first one, so it's really strange that I never knew about it. I really need to stay in the loop from now on. It won't happen, but a girl can dream. I'm always the last to know.

#295 -- Van Helsing (2004)

Director: Stephen Sommers
Rating: 4 / 5

Okay, you caught me. This one isn't technically a horror movie, but I don't anyone will argue with my reasons for including it on a horror movie blog. Anyone who hasn't seen this can figure out the basic story of it; and anyone who has seen it probably loves it. It is a wonderful movie with a very interesting and different version of the story of Dracula.

In the beginning, we see Dracula killing Dr. Frankenstein. He had brought Frankenstein to Transylvania to create the Monster for him, and once he'd succeeded, Dracula felt he didn't need the doctor anymore. That, and Victor refused to let Dracula use his creation for evil, like he'd planned. But Dracula didn't count on the Monster having a working brain that could form its own thoughts. The Monster ran away, holding its father in its arms. They ended up at the windmill that the angry mob burned to the ground. Cut to one year later, and we meet Van Helsing as he's attempting to kill the evil Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde kind of looks like an ogre, he's extremely agile, and he jumps around like a ninja. He finishes Mr. Hyde off, and he is then sent to Transylvania to get rid of Dracula.

Once in Transylvania, he meets the beautiful Anna. She's from a family that has been trying for hundreds of years to kill Dracula, and she will be his aide as he attempts to do the same. Along with these two, there's also a friar/weapons inventor named Carl. They eventually meet up with the Monster, who isn't quite as dead as Dracula had originally thought. They all form a very wonderful team, each with their own assets to help out on the mission. Carl is the brains; Anna and Van Helsing are the brawn, and the Monster has some inside information on Dracula that will help them greatly. Turns out, Dracula needed the monster because he was the key to Dr. Frankenstein's machine, and if he was captured once again, Dracula would be able to raise thousands of his children. Also, the only thing that can kill Dracula is a werewolf. Anna's brother is turned into a werewolf, and we assume for a while that he's the one who will kill Dracula. But he is killed by Van Helsing, and Dracula's real enemy is much more powerful.

There are so many great things going on in this movie that I honestly don't know where to begin. First of all, there's that intro. The beginning is my favorite part of the movie, because it shows a battle between Dracula and Victor Frankenstein. I know there must be more movies that bring these two together, but this is the first one I've seen, and I fucking love it. Frankenstein's Monster looks very different than he did originally, but he doesn't look bad at all; he actually looks really great. I was happy that they didn't change the character's traits too much too. He was still a benevolent and misunderstood creature, and at first, Van Helsing was the only person who could see that. He became a great friend and ally to the rest of them. Not only did it combine Dracula and Frankenstein, but it had the Wolf Man as well. The only thing it was missing was a few zombies, and then it would have been a horror fan's wet dream. There were also a lot of great people here. There was Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing, Kate Beckinsale as Anna, and Robbie Coltrane as Mr. Hyde. Yep, fucking Hagrid. He's practically un-recognizable, but it's just god-damn wonderful. Maybe it's just me, since I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, but I was so excited when I realized.

Besides all that, when you get down to the core of it, it's just a great movie. It has a great story that combined a lot of my favorite things, and it was different than any other I'd seen. It was full of non-stop action, wonderful fight scenes (with a bunch of people who were apparently raised as ninjas), amazing special effects, and a nice little love story thrown in for good measure (or to appeal to women...). It was exciting, different, funny at times and sad at times. Overall, it's very simple -- Van Helsing is a wonderful movie, and even though it might not technically be a horror movie, every horror fan should see it.

#294 -- Scary or Die (2012)

Directors: Bob Badway, Michael Emanuel & Igor Meglic
Rating: 3 / 5

You, like me, might be drawn by that fucking awesome clown on the cover of Scary or Die. And once you watch it, you'll be surprised to find that it's not one of those instances of the cover looking way cooler than the actual movie. Well, at least the clown bit. You might be a little disappointed by the movie as a whole, but if you don't take it too seriously, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's an anthology movie with five separate segments, one of which acts as the wrap-around story for the entire thing.

The Crossing is about a couple of rednecks who act as vigilante border control officers. They abduct Mexican immigrants (and I assume those of hispanic heritage that aren't immigrants at all), return them to the border, and kill them as a warning to those who wish to cross in the future. They're hoping that one day, they'll get the picture and stop coming into "their country." They're real assholes, and it's impossible to care about them at all. Anyways, during this particular trip to the border, some home-made booze gets spilled onto the graves of the fallen immigrants, and this wakes them up. You can guess that they're not too happy about the way they've been treated, and being under the ground for so long has made them hungry. This bit was okay, and I think it acted as more of cultural satire than horror. There are actually a lot of people out there who think this way. The zombies weren't the scary part; you'll actually find yourself rooting for them since the two main characters are such dickheads. The scary part is the way these guys act. Once the zombies start rising, you'll get to see all the people that they've killed, and some of them are children. That's the scary part for me -- that someone would actually murder children simply because of the color of their skin.

Re-Membered is a story about a hit-man who gets more than he bargained for when he is sent to kill a person who I can only assume was a satanist. It shows him cutting this guy up in his bathtub, stuffing him in a bag and throwing him into the trunk of his car. He then starts driving toward an unknown destination, and he keeps hearing a mysterious tapping coming from his trunk. He goes to check it out, finds the body exactly the way he left it. He continues driving, still hearing the noise, and goes to check a second time. This time, the body is gone, and in its place is a note that reads "You can't kill me." I didn't like this one as much as the first, which says a lot, because I didn't like the first one all that much either. I think it could have been better as a full-length movie, or even if it had just a little more time to develop the story. If it told us more about the man that the hit man killed, his history and just why he was being sent to kill him, it could have been interesting.

Taejung's Lament is about a man whose wife died recently. He is very lonely, lives a dull and sad life, and can't seem to pick himself up. One night, he sees a pretty girl walking down the street; they exchange smiles, and it's made obvious that she might be able to help him get over the loss of his wife. But before anything of significance can happen, the girl is kidnapped by a stranger. Taejung uses his cell phone (stuffed into the gas tank of the stranger's car) to track them down, and he saves the girl. She invites him to her apartment for a party, but once he gets there, he realizes that he should have left things alone. The man who abducted the girl was none other than Van Helsing, and this party he is attending is about to get a little out of hand. This one's interesting enough, I guess, but it's the worst of the bunch. The majority of it just shows Taejung walking around and looking sad. Once it gets to the good stuff, it ends. It's too much build-up and not enough pay-off.

Clowned is the best in the collection, which is why it's featured on the cover, I'm guessing. It's the longest of the bunch, which allows it to give us a better, more complex story. It's about a guy named Emmett who gets bitten by a clown at his little brother's birthday party. Afterwards, he starts feeling a little funny and can't seem to get enough to eat. He starts getting sick a lot, but that's only the beginning. Eventually he starts to grow really quickly, causing him to wear funny-looking clothes (because they're the only ones that will fit him) and bigger shoes. His skin also starts to turn colors, and he grows a white afro. He tries to live with it for a short period of time, but when he starts to develop the urge to eat his little brother, he decides it's time to split. He runs away, lives his life like a bum, and tries to resist the urge to eat people. But of course, cannibals will be cannibals...I think the effects in this one were wonderful. I loved the way the clown looked -- with his giant mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth, his weird clothes and that sack he wore over his head. He was genuinely creepy. But not scary. Sure, he ate some people, but they all deserved it. It wasn't just a story about a killer clown; it was a story about a man who is forced to abandon his family for their own safety. He has to run away form his mother, his little brother, his girlfriend, and the unborn child that he doesn't know about. It's a very sad story, and I really enjoyed it.

Lover Come Back is the last, and shortest, in the collection. It's about a woman whose husband became extremely abusive and murdered her. He stuffed her in a box and left her out in the woods. But this woman's grandfather was a master of black arts (or something like that), and as a young child he'd given her a special power. It was something like this -- if there was love in her heart, that love would never die. Even though he was abusive, she still loved her husband. So, she died with that love still in her heart; meaning that she wouldn't die. She came back to get her revenge on him. This one tried to act as a wrap-around story, but ti didn't really succeed. The whole reason that these stories were being strung together was because someone was watching them online. They're separated by a gnarly-looking hand surfing the web and clicking on links that led to the clips. The lady in this short ended up being on the other end of that hand. It's interesting enough, but the wrap-around aspect of it didn't make much sense. The point of a wrap-around story in an anthology is to bring all the separate stories together and make them click. This one didn't do that. There was  no reason that the woman was watching these clips, and it didn't do anything for the rest of the stories. Plus it was so short that it felt completely pointless.

Overall, Scary or Die is an okay horror anthology. It's got some interesting bits, but it's nothing that will leave you breathless. Clowned was great, but the rest were only so-so. Still, it wasn't a complete time-waster, and if you're like me, you'll come away from it at least a little bit entertained.

#275 -- The Revenant (2009)

Director: D. Kerry Prior
Rating: 4 / 5

This is another one that I found On Demand. Most of the time, the movies I watch on here aren't very great, so I didn't have any real expectations for it. Fortunately, this is one of the few that's actually really good. I assumed it was about some sort of zombie apocalypse, which it kind of is...but it's different.

It's about a guy named Bart who was in the military and died in combat. Shortly after his funeral, when all of his loved ones were good and devastated over his death, he returned to life. He went to stay with his best friend, Joey, who helped him figure out just what he had become. At first glance, you'd think that he was a zombie, naturally. His bullet holes were still there, you could see his autopsy scar, and he was obviously decaying. But he never ate anyone, he drank blood instead, and everyone called him a vampire. Joey looked up some information somewhere, and then started calling him a Revenant. I had no clue what this was, and since he seemed kind of like a mix between zombie and vampire, I just thought that these people didn't know what they were talking about. But I looked up the definition, and found out that a Revenant is a walking corpse that returns from the grave to torment people; the legends come from the middle ages, and have a lot of similarities with vampires. So it turns out, they actually did know what they were talking about.

Bart never really tormented anyone, though. He just wanted to figure out what was going on, and why he puked blood every time he tried to eat something. He learned eventually that he had to drink blood in order to stop the decaying process. Once he got hungry, he'd start decaying again, and puking up blood. Once he got his fill of blood, though, he could eat and get drunk with his friend just like the next guy. He started by stealing some blood from the hospital, but that wasn't as easy as he'd thought. He and Joey ended up at a gas station one night, and some Mexican thug tried to rob him. They ended up killing him, so Bart just fed on him. They kept returning to gas stations, hoping for a robbery; they came upon attempted rapes and murders, and they just took all those guys out. They were sort of like zombie/vampire superheroes. They were ridding their town of crime (and apparently, there was A LOT of crime where they lived). On the news, they were known as the vigilante gunslingers and, even though they were doing something good for the community, they were wanted by the police.

The bad-ass vampire crime fighters!

Joey got shot during one of their adventures, and Bart had to transform him into a Revenant. This made their little duo even more powerful, and even more wanted by the coppers. They also had a friend who didn't think they should be alive, and she ratted them out to the police. In the end, there were some betrayals within their friendship, and they parted ways. It involved a group of guys that they'd failed to kill 100% (they didn't chop their heads off after feeding, so they returned as Revenants themselves) who were very angry about being left in the river to be eaten by fish.

I liked almost everything about this movie. The undead guys looked pretty cool, with their white-out eyes and their decaying flesh and what-not. There was definitely some comedy involved, a bit of a love story, and a few sad moments. There was one scene in particular that made the entire movie for me, and I think you'll agree once you watch it. Joey ended up having his head chopped off by the gang of angry Revenants I mentioned earlier. They mailed his head to Bart, but Joey wasn't dead. See, you've got to chop off the head before they come back to life. So Joey was just a living head. I guess his vocal chords had been severed, though, so he couldn't talk all that well. Bart thought about the smokers who have to talk with those little robot thingies, so he held a vibrator to Joey's throat in order for them to communicate. This is, hands down, one of the funniest things I have ever seen in a zombie movie. It was my favorite part and, even if I had hated everything else, that would have made me like it. But I did't hate anything, so it just made a wonderful movie even better.

They got a kick out of freaking people the fuck out. 

The acting was pretty good, and it starred David Anders (from Heroes) as Bart. Joey was played by Chris Wylde, who plays in a lot of kids TV shows. I really enjoyed both of them, and they interacted very well together. The rest of the cast were just supporting characters, and never really meant much. But that's okay, because Bart and Joey were so great that they really didn't even need a supporting cast. My advice to you is to watch this movie as soon as you can. If you're a fan of zombies, vampires, or just funny movies with some blood, you'll definitely enjoy it.

Rating

Cinematography - 8 points. I don't know what kind of budget they were working with here, but I assume it was pretty good. Either that, or they were just some talented people. It looked good, but I wasn't amazed by it like I am with some movies.

Storyline - 10 points. They took the government/zombie thing in a new direction, though I'm not sure that was even the point. It started in the military, and it ended in a government facility designed to create soldiers out of the Revenants. It's really not all that different, but it was done really well and I thought it was great.

Gore - 6 points. Surprisingly, there really wasn't all that much gore. Bart and Joey used guns to kill the people they fed on, which was the only downfall of the movie. I hate guns in horror movies, because they are so damn boring. When they fed, it just looked like they were sucking on peoples' heads, so that didn't offer any real gore. The effects were good, and their zombie/vampire forms definitely looked good and creepy, though, so I'll give it that.

Characters - 9 points. Bart and Joey were absolutely fantastic. I cannot stress this enough. Their interactions with one another will make you really believe in their friendship. They love each other, they're there for each other, and they fight like cats and dogs and betray each other. But in the end, they're still friends who would do absolutely anything for the other person. I really loved their relationship, and their funny little quips and arguments. But the other characters were really just there for filler, it seemed. Some were annoying, others were just boring.

Scariness - 10 points. It actually wasn't scary at all, but I wouldn't feel right giving it zero points in this category, because it wasn't meant to be scary. I'm substituting that for something else here: funny-ness. It was definitely funny, and that makes up for it not being scary.

Overall score - 43 / 50

#223 -- Fright Night (2011)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Craig Gillespie

I was kind of hesitant about this one, because I really enjoyed the original. That being said, it really wasn't as bad as I feared. I know a lot of people probably  hate it, but I'm not one of them. The difference, I think, is that I didn't grow up with the original. I didn't see it until I was probably around sixteen, so I don't really have any emotional attachments to it. I'm not saying the remake is better than the original, because it's not even close. I'm just saying that it really wasn't all that bad. I had a couple of problems with the movie, mostly the characters, but for the most part, it was okay.

My biggest problem was the relationship between Charlie and Evil Ed. In the original, they were best friends. I could tell that they hind the kind of relationship that I had with my best friend in high school. The rip-your-head-off kind of best friends, but they're there for each other when the time comes. But in this one, they weren't friends at all. They had been friends at one point, but Charlie abandoned Ed to get in with the popular crowd. Amy was one of the hot girls, but she wasn't annoying. I actually liked her better than the original Amy, because she was a strong female character. But Charlie was a cool guy; he wasn't the dorky kid we remember from the original. Ed was still a nerd (he was played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who was McLovin'), but he was kind of an asshole, and he wasn't as awesome or silly as Stephen Geoffreys. It was Ed who believed that Jerry was a vampire, not Charlie. Charlie thought he was nuts, and it wasn't until Ed disappeared (because he was changed really fast) that Charlie started to believe him. I didn't like Jerry as much, either. Sure, Colin Ferrell is much better looking than Chris Sarandon, but that didn't make the character more likable. Jerry, in the original, was a classy fellow. He was polite, and he pretty much stayed to himself until Charlie started digging around. In this one, he wasn't afraid of letting people know what he was. And he was kind of a whore. When Charlie caught up with Peter Vincent, I wasn't too fond with the direction they took with him either. I liked Peter in the original. Here, he was a sort of Criss Angel wannabe, and he was a drunk whore too. He was really quick to believe Charlie's story, unlike the real Peter Vincent, who took quite a bit of convincing (and for a while only pretended to believe to appease Charlie).

So, the only characters I didn't really have a problem with were Charlie, Amy, and Charlie's mom. Charlie was different, but not really in a bad way. I liked the dorky Charlie, but cool Charlie wasn't bad. Amy and Ms. Bruster were cool chicks, and I didn't have a problem with them at all.

Even though I had some problems with how they changed it, overall, I didn't think it was that bad. It still had a little bit of humor, though not nearly as much as the original. It didn't have the awesome cheesy gore, like the original either. I did think that Jerry's true vampire form looked better in this one (I really didn't like how he looked in the original), but Amy...Amy was fucking awesome in the original. When she transformed, it was weird and terrifying. They tried to keep it that way in this one, but it just didn't quite work as well. This one didn't have quite as much charm as the original did, but I can't really fault it for that. The '80s was a decade full of awesome horror movies, and they just cannot be copied.

It is absolutely impossible for me to watch remakes and pretend they're not remakes. I can't look at them as if they're original, because they're not. So, I don't even try anymore. I have to compare the two. So, did I think the remake lived up to the original? Not by a long shot. But as far as remakes go, it really wasn't all that bad. I've definitely seen worse (like A Nightmare on Elm Street, for instance). I would choose the original any day.

#197 -- Marebito (2004)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Takashi Shimizu

May contain spoilers

If I was able to understand the ideas behind this movie, I would have probably enjoyed it a lot more. I could travel through the depths of the internet to find such things, but I lack the energy and interest to do so. I feel like there was a psychological or philosophical message to be portrayed here, but I just didn't get it. Shimizu failed to fully convey his messages, at least to a simpleton like myself.

It is about a freelance cameraman, Masuoka, who carries his camera everywhere he goes. He should be pitied, since he is unable to live life fully. He only sees things as they appear through his camera's lens. He is a cameraman by day and a voyeur by night, as he shoots windows and doors, hoping to get a glimpse of the goings on inside. He sees a woman staring out into the street, ponders what she searches for, and dubs her a paranoid whose soul he has saved by recording her. He believes that the images he captures are spirits, but that is not what he is looking for. Ghosts are a normal part of life for a lot of people, and they are not to be feared; fear is what he is searching for. He records a man committing suicide by stabbing himself in the eye. He notices the fear in the man's eyes, and believes that he cut out his eye to avoid seeing whatever it was that scared him so badly. Masuoka wishes to experience this kind of terror; he wants to see what the man saw before taking his own life. While watching the video, the man's eyes look directly at Masuko, causing him to have some terrifying visions of strange underground human-like creatures. This leads him to the subway and down, down below Tokyo and into the netherworld.

He meets a couple of people (one being the ghost of the man who killed himself) who tell him about the creatures: Deros (detrimental robots). They are some sort of bloodsucking creatures, and are to be greatly feared. He keeps traveling, until his comes to a beautiful landscape he calls The Mountains of Madness. In a cave among these mountains, he finds a beautiful young girl in chains. He takes her home to his apartment, names her F, and tries to take care of her.

He's informed by a mysterious man on the telephone that he isn't doing his part, and that F will die there if he doesn't shape up. He soon realizes that F feeds solely on blood, and begins to feed her himself. When the fear of dying (not because he doesn't want to, but because he is afraid of what will happen to her when he's gone) takes over, he begins giving her animal corpses to feed on. When it seems like the animals aren't enough, and F becomes weaker and weaker, he begins bringing her a human supply. He meets a woman who claims his daughter Fuyumi is missing (though he denies even having a daughter), and he kills her in an alley. He also kills a young high school girl. He fills baby bottles with their blood and takes them home to F.

After a while of this, he feels let down. He says that even the murder of two innocent women wasn't enough to drive him completely insane, which is what he really wanted. He wanted to feel the madness. But then he admits to killing his wife, and turning his daughter into an animal, so I'm sure it's clear that he was, indeed, insane. He ends up back in the cave with F (or Fuyumi), bloody, with her smiling down on him. In his eyes? Complete and utter terror. So I guess it's a happy ending; he got what he wanted.

The imagery was pretty good in Marebito. I really enjoyed the netherworld scenes, but they didn't last long enough in my opinion. I would've liked for the entire movie to take place in Underground Tokyo, because that premise was very interesting. I don't think this was meant to be a shocking horror, but rather a psychological one. It was meant to show the downfall of Masuoka, and the loss of his sanity. I think there might have been some other messages, but I didn't feel it. I liked my initial belief that F was some sort of underground dwelling creature, and that Masuoka had truly stumbled into the Netherworld. When that belief was shattered, the movie was ruined for me. Sometimes I am able to look deeper into the meanings of movies, but sometimes I'm a complete simpleton--like now. I just didn't see it, and the movie failed for me, but I didn't hate it. It was interesting, even if it wasn't one of my favorite J-horrors.

#165 -- Fright Night (1985)

Director: Tom Holland
Rating: 4 / 5

It's been a very long time since I first saw this movie, and I'd forgotten just how awesome certain parts of it were. This one and the original are both on demand, so I figured I'd get cracking on them. I think every horror fan knows Fright Night, and it seems to me that everyone has positive things to say about it. I can definitely understand why, because it's very entertaining. It's about a teenager named Charlie. It seemed like he was a fairly normal guy with a pretty normal girlfriend, Amy. He had sex on his mind, as does pretty much every other teenager. That was until someone moved into the house next door. He became a little obsessed with his new neighbor, because the very first day of his arrival, Charlie saw a coffin being carried into the house. He was curious and a little bit worried, so he started watching the guy's every move. He was Jerry Dandridge, and Charlie became positive that he was a vampire. He felt pretty safe when his best friend explained to him that a vampire cannot enter your home without being invited first. But, unfortunately, Charlie's mom thought Jerry was a hottie and invited him in for drinks. That, of course, meant that Jerry could come and go as he pleased. He took advantage of that, so he could sneak into Charlie's room one night to try and kill him (because he wasn't pleased that Charlie figured out his secret. But poor Charlie was all alone. His mom, Amy, his best friend "Evil" Ed, and of course the police force all thought he was nuts. No one would help him. That was until Amy paid Charlie's favorite TV star to come and help out. Peter Vincent was known on television as the greatest vampire killer of all time, but in real life he was nothing but a scared little old man. He needed the money, though, so he decided to go along and help convince Charlie that he was wrong. He took along a vial of water, told Charlie it was holy water, and had Jerry drink it. Shortly, though, Peter realized that Charlie had actually been right.

Jerry wasn't very happy that all these people knew his secret, so he went after them. He took Evil Ed first, turning him into one of the funniest vampires I've ever seen. He sent Evil to kill Peter, but that didn't work out very well. Then he kidnapped Amy in an attempt to get Charlie and Peter to his house so he could kill them himself. So it was Charlie and Peter vs. Jerry and his henchman Billy. Some interesting things I learned from this: when vampires are staked, they leak acid, which is what makes them turn to dust. It's really gross to watch, but kind of funny at the same time. Sunlight turns them to dust too, but that's nothing we didn't already know. Crosses burn their skin, though I'm not so sure how garlic effects them in this one. It was mentioned, but it was never really used. So, Fright Night does stick true to the vampire legend, which is cool. They were also able to transform into really beautiful wolves. Evil Ed became a wolf while trying to kill Peter Vincent, but he changed back when he got a table leg stuck in his heart. The transformation was gruesome, and not in the good way. That beautiful wolf became hideous in mere seconds, but I guess the effects were pretty good considering. I don't care about all that anyways, as you know, as long as it appears that someone was at least trying to make it look good.

This was made in the '80s, so you know it's going to be silly going into it. The vampire effects weren't that great (aside from the Amy-vampire; that just looked wicked, in my opinion). The acting was okay, the dialogue was typical '80s style. Everything about it screamed '80s horror movie, and it's great. My favorite character by far was Evil Ed. Human or vampire, that guy was weird enough to be absolutely hilarious. His acting was strange but extremely entertaining. I didn't know it until now, but the woman who played Amy would eventually go on to become that weird chick that lived next door to the Bundys in Married With Children. And Evil Ed would go on to star in a shitload of gay porno flicks. But anyways, Fright Night is a great movie, cheesy special effects and all.

#164 -- Metamorphosis (2007)

Director: Jeno Hodi
Rating: 2.5 / 5

Okay, first let me explain something. I'm really interested in real-life serial killers. It's fascinating how seemingly normal people can snap and kill dozens of people. It's fascinating how fucked up people can be. It's crazy to think that shit like that actually happens. But where did my fascination begin? It began way back in the 17th century with a countess named Elizabeth Bathory. This is the second movie I've seen based on her, the first being one called Stay Alive. That one was actually really good, but I'll save that for another time. This one, though, I didn't enjoy very much. It seemed to me like they tried to make it beautiful and artistic, but it didn't really work all that well. It was about a group of friends on a trip in Hungary. One of them, Keith, was there to write a book about the famous Blood Countess, and his destination was the Bathory castle. He felt very sympathetic toward the Countess because of what drove her past the brink of insanity. She was beaten by her husband, The Count, and had her daughter stolen from her, before being locked away in the tower. Then, she became positive that if she drank and/or bathed in the blood of young virgin women she would remain young and beautiful forever. I guess it went in that order, because that's the only thing that makes sense to me. I mean, why would Keith feel sympathy for a woman who murdered hundreds of people, unless his sympathy was for The Countess in her pre-crazy days? Anyways, the story said that Elizabeth's daughter (who was apparently also named Elizabeth) ran away into the woods and was never seen again. The truth was that Elizabeth Junior had continued with her mother's mission and began drinking blood herself. And apparently, just drinking blood will magically turn someone into a vampire. It doesn't have to be vampire blood or anything. Just, act like a vampire and become one, I guess. Anyway, Keith never planned on falling in love with Elizabeth Junior, but that's just what he did.

After getting into a car accident, he and his friends traveled with Elizabeth Junior to an alternate dimension. There, they fought with a man who had been transformed by EJ and was angry about her having transformed his brother. He wanted to kill her, as well as anyone else in her company. [Spoiler Alert] All of Keith's friends were killed, and he...well, he was killed too, but EJ made sure that he came back, so that he could be by her side forever. She said that even though his body had died, his brain cells remained active. Because of that, he had four minutes (very specific, right?) to return to the real world before he was dead forever. He wasn't going to make it to the "white light" (a portal back into the real world) in time, and that's why EJ had to put the bite on him.

All of that sounds pretty good. Kind of lame, but okay. But the problem I have is that they turned the Blood Countess into an actual vampire. She is considered the original vampire (at least to me), but I just don't like that idea. I like seeing her represented as she truly was: a vain, beauty-obsessed crazy person who obtained immortality through murder. Though she drank blood, she wasn't a vampire. She was just crazy. There's something more romantic about it that way. Besides, this movie wasn't even about Elizabeth Bathory. It was about her daughter. Apparently the real woman wasn't able to achieve her goals, but her daughter was. That's insulting, if I may say so. This is another example of "all vampires know kung-fu" too, and not in a good way. The fight scenes were lame, and lacked any true action. Also the entire movie was kind of jumpy and repetitive, and some of it didn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm always excited to watch a movie based on something I know about, and I'm almost always disappointed. I didn't like how the Countess (or countess junior, whatever) was portrayed, even though the actress was very beautiful. At the end of the day it was a movie that tried to be something special, but didn't quite get there; and it ended up dull and weird.

#147 -- "B" Challenge: Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned (2008)

Director: Brian Thomson
Rating: 2.5/5

This movie sounded like it had some potential. The trailer definitely looked interesting, and it has one of those titles that always intrigues me. But I think I've already seen all of the good b-movies, because I can't seem to find anymore. A good low budget cheesy horror movie is just about the best thing in the world, in my opinion. But a bad low budget cheesy horror movie? It's almost painful. This one isn't quite painful, but it just makes me sad to know that I could have loved it but didn't. It was about a man named Chuck, who was getting ready to get married. His best friend and best man, Sammy, planned a wild bachelor party for him out in the Hamptons. Along with them, were three of their friends, Paulie, The Fish, and Gordon. Gordon wasn't really a friend; he was one of those weird guys you just tolerate because they can get you stuff. In this case, it was the bungalow, which belonged to Gordon's uncle. So they brought him along and tolerated him so they could have a good time. Turns out, that wasn't such a good idea. After a little bit of drinking, three women showed up. Strippers, hookers, whatever you want to call them. They danced around for the guys for a while, then drugged Chuck. One of the girls took him to the bedroom and started having her way with him. Meanwhile, Paulie and The Fish are getting lucky as well. Gordon didn't want anything to do with them, and Sammy was just trying to be nice to his friends by giving them the ladies. I had a suspicion that Sammy was gay, but it never really went into that. But anyways, Paulie and The Fish were killed by the ladies and left to rot in their respective bedrooms. I'm not sure what happened to Paulie, because it was pretty quick and didn't really show it. The Fish was attacked by the woman's giant man-eating breasts. Yes, I said it: man-eating breasts. Chuck was eventually attacked too, but he didn't die. He turned into one of them. Oh, I forgot to mention, the girls were vampires, of course.

Sammy didn't want Chuck to ruin his bachelor party, so he wouldn't let him call his fiance, Michelle. She had something very important to tell him, though, so she went for a visit. When she got there, her man was already a vampire. So she and Sammy set out to kill the master vampire, in hopes that it would turn Chuck back into his old self. Unfortunately, they were wrong about the identity of the master vampire. The true master vampire was surprising, but it didn't make sense, so it wasn't a good surprise. It involved a boy who was horribly humiliated in high school, and his hatred toward his tormentor turning him into a vampire. So, the one who humiliated him happened to be the master vampire, even though he wasn't a vampire at all. So, in this world, a vampire doesn't have to bite someone to turn them, though it does still work like that. You can just get so pissed that it kills you and brings you back as a member of the bloodsuckers. Makes perfect sense, right? Okay, spoiler alert. I don't feel wrong giving this away, and if you watch it, I don't think you'll care either. Gordon was the humiliated boy, surprise surprise. Thinking he was actually the master vampire, Sammy went after him. When Gordon explained everything to him, Sammy just thought he was stupid and killed him anyway. When that didn't work, he realized that Gordon had been telling the truth. Sammy would have to kill himself in order to save Chuck and Michelle (who at that point had also been turned). So he took a bunch of morning after pills and washed them down with alcohol. That didn't kill him, though. He woke up, fine and dandy Chuck and Michelle, also fine and dandy, by his side.

So you see, the whole movie just doesn't make sense. It was okay up until that point. It had some funny parts, and it did succeed in keeping me interested. But the ending wasn't very well thought out, I don't think. They were trying to be original, I guess, but they overlooked the fact that it just didn't many any sense at all. That's why I rated it 2.5. Because I actually enjoyed it up until the end, which ruined it for me. Say Gordon was attacked by a vampire when he ran into the woods, after being humiliated by Sammy. That would make him the master vampire, and all would make sense. Or, if you were set on Sammy being the master, just say that he turned Gordon and just...lost his memory somehow. Or maybe he knew everything, he just didn't know about the kill-the-master thing. I don't know, anything would have been better than anger turning someone into a vamp. I mean, come on people! What the hell? So many things have been changed about vampires over the years, but that at least stays the same. A vampire turns someone into a vampire. There's no way around it. Anyways, overall it was a pretty decent movie. The effects were weird and not that great, the acting was so-so, but it was entertaining. The ending, however, ruined everything. One really awesome thing, though, before I go: Lloyd Kaufman had a cameo as a cross-dresser. Best part of the whole movie.

#142 -- "B" Challenge: Blood Creek (2009)

Director: Joel Schumacher
Rating: 4/5

I was kind of skeptical about watching this, because I assumed that it was going to really focus on government and Nazi history (which is interesting; I just don't really like political type movies). I was wrong, because all this movie focused on was the dark arts. It started off in the 1930s, when a poverty stricken German family living in Virginia was notified by the Nazis that they would be housing one of their scientists. I wasn't really sure what he was doing there to begin with, but it became clear soon enough. He seemed like a nice enough guy, though looks do deceive. He was looking for an ancient stone that was said to have been found on the family's farm. The father of the family let him know that it was, in fact, out in their barn and still in perfect shape. The scientist, Mr. Wirth, went out to investigate the stone, and he found the man's young daughter crying in the barn because her pet bird had died. He said some sort of incantation, and the bird returned to life. He told the little girl that he could do wonders if he could only gain enough strength. Cut to the present day, and a young paramedic who spent his nights caring for his Alzheimer's ridden father, and worrying about the disappearance of his brother Victor (who disappeared during a camping trip). One night, out of nowhere, Victor returned to see Evan. Instead of rejoicing in their reunion (or returning to see his wife and children), Victor told Evan to grab some guns and follow him. He took Evan back to the place he had been held captive for the last two years, and he was very intent on getting his revenge on the people who tortured him. It didn't take very long for them to realize that it wasn't going to be very easy. The family that had been visited by Mr. Wirth was actually still alive, and still living on their farm. The stone was a powerful occult object that gave Mr. Wirth the power of necromancy. He could kill anything or anyone, and bring them back to life to become his slave: dogs, horses, humans--anything. His goal was to gain a third eye, which was said would grant him power that could not be stopped. It would happen on an eclipse, but he needed blood to complete the ritual--human blood, and lots of it. The family had found a way to contain him for a while, by painting banishing symbols from an ancient Nordic alphabet on all the doors and windows. They kept him in the cellar and fed him so that he wouldn't become angry. That is where Victor had been for the past two years, trapped in a trailer to feed Mr. Wirth. But when Victor and Evan returned, Mr. Wirth escaped. He enslaved the family's huge dogs, as well as their horses and one of their captives. I will say that bloody, undead horse intent on killing is pretty damn terrifying. Victor and Evan soon learned that there was only one way to kill him. He needed human blood, but his own blood would poison him. They gathered bones that held the blood of his ancestors and, using Evan as bait, tricked him into drinking it. That, of course, wasn't exactly enough to stop him. And there were still more like him out there. Liese (the little girl, and Mr. Wirth's first captive) informs the guys that Hitler actually sent out eight people like Mr. Wirth. They thought that, with the help of these stones, and by achieving immortality, there would be no stopping the "master race." So, even if they succeeded in killing Mr. Wirth, there would still be others out there who could possibly continue on their mission. The master race could still overpower and control everything. Holocaust 2.0 could still be a possibility. Something about Nazis in general is terrifying. The whole business of the Holocaust, the true story of it, is scary on its own. But to think that the Nazi party could come up with, and actually execute, something like this is downright horrifying.

This movie was actually quite good. The story was unique and I think has the potential to really scare some people. It takes something we already know and fear a little bit, and it multiplies it by 100. Just imagining it makes me shiver. If the Nazis were getting ready for genocide once again, there are a couple of reasons I can think of that I'd be on their list. The reality of it, though far-fetched, is what makes it scary. If you can toss the fact that you know nothing like this could happen...if you can use your imagination, you can picture a modern day Hitler parading through your town, knocking on your door and taking you away. Add to the equation that it's an undead Hitler who has had years upon years for his anger to grow, and tell me that's not a terrifying thought. Blood Creek really brings up an interesting question. If he had not been stopped, how far would Herr Hitler have gone to be sure the master race reigned superior?

#119 -- Foreign Movie Challenge: Let the Right One In (2008)

Director: Tomas Alfredson
Rating: 4/5

I saw the American version, Let Me In, before I saw this one. I really enjoyed the remake, but for some reason I liked this one better. It is the story of two twelve year-old kids in Sweden. The boy, Oskar, is tormented and bullied by his classmates, leaving him more than a little disturbed. Eli (pronounced kind of like "yelli") is a vampire. Eli lives with an older man who acts as a father figure to her, keeping her safe and acquiring meals for her. But he is starting to slip, which ultimately leads to his death. That leaves Eli with no one else to turn to but Oskar. They develop a friendly relationship, being that each really has no one else in their lives. When Oskar discovers Eli's secret, he is surprised and treats her with a little bit of disdain for a short while. Eventually, though, he comes to terms with his new girlfriend's identity, and they begin helping each other. Eli helps Oskar deal with his bullies, and Oskar helps Eli relocate so that she can continue living. The relationship between them is beautiful, in that "alone together" type of way. They're both outsiders, but they've got their own little secret club, so to say.



I found out while searching the web that this was actually based on a book by a Swedish author named John Ajvide Lindqvist. There are some disturbing things in the movie (murderous children, childhood sexuality, etc.), so I can only imagine how the book must be.

One thing I really liked about this one was Eli. She didn't talk much, and she didn't show feelings with her facial expressions. But there was something about her eyes. Maybe it's just me, but I could feel everything she was feeling by looking into her eyes. The actress portraying her did a wonderful job with that. And I can't deny that the language appealed to me too. I love hearing foreign languages, and it just makes it seem so much more exotic to me. I thought this movie was beautiful. It's interesting because it shows a sensitive vampire who still manages to be vicious and frightening. It's almost like Eli is Oskar's protector, because we know nothing can harm him as long as he is with her. And in a way, he is her protector as well. He protects her from her loneliness.

#107 -- Decadent Evil (2005)

Director: Charles Band
Rating: 3/5

Somewhere in the world, there's a strip club that employs a couple of hot vampire chicks named Sugar and Spyce. They belong to a small clan, including themselves and their leader Morella. Also in their immediate family is Marvin, an ex lover of Morella's who she turned into a prehistoric human (which looks like like a half bird/half reptile) after he betrayed her. There's a little something about bloodsucking that I never knew: the first bite, the first draw of blood is called the Primal Blood, and it is supposed to carry the soul of the victim. Legends say that if a vampire can feast on the Primal Blood of 10,000 victims, he or she will become ruler of all vampires. This is Morella's plan, and she is only three victims away from completing it. But Sugar's concerned boyfriend and a wee little vampire hunter just might thwart that plan.

I liked this one mostly because of Marvin. That little thing was pretty funny. There's a lot of sex in this one, so don't let the little ones watch it with you. Marvin even has a couple of hilarious sex scenes. They're hilarious to me, but probably pretty gross to most other people. There's a little bit of action, decent acting, and a pretty good storyline. There's a little bit of romance shoved in there for good measure, and it's also a revenge story. Babes, vampires, and monsters. Sounds pretty good on paper, right? Sadly it didn't deliver to the full potential that the story offered. It was okay, but it could have been a lot better. The final battle was disappointing and anticlimactic, and there just wasn't quite enough blood for a vampire movie - for my tastes, anyhow. It was on an 8-pack from Wal-Mart, though, so I didn't expect anything mind-blowing. I went into it knowing it wouldn't be extremely great, so I came out of it fairly entertained. It was good for a few laughs, but not much else.

#103 -- Trapped Ashes (2006)

Directors: Sean S. Cunningham, Joe Dante, John Gaeta, Monte Hellman & Ken Russell
Rating: 3/5

A group of people go on a tour through a movie studio in Hollywood. One of the stops is a creepy house where a classic horror was filmed. The house is somewhat of a maze, and the group ends up getting lost and stuck inside of a revolving room. Their tour guide suggests that they, like in the movie the house is famous for, tell their scariest stories in order to get out. One by one, they go around telling horrifying stories - or what was supposed to be horrifying stories, I guess.


The Girl with the Golden Breasts
In this one, a young actress who is being beaten out of parts by prettier girls decides to get a breast enhancement surgery. This if fine and dandy, and I'm sure not at all rare, but there's one little problem. Her doctor uses recycled parts of corpses in his implants. This causes her nipples to grow teeth, and they're quite the bloodthirsty little buggers. There's a group of drag-queen scientists who use this method as an experiment to find the fountain of youth.

Jibaku
A married couple takes a trip to Japan to re-kindle the lost flame in their relationship. However, the husband is too busy working to pay much attention to his wife, and she finds a flame with a young and handsome Japanese man. He hangs himself in the local cemetery, and then begins to haunt her. It's not a bad kind of haunting, though, not for this woman. She has a horrific affair with this dead monk, and eventually is dragged into Hell to join him.

Stanley’s Girlfriend
A man and his best friend have kind of a love triangle with a beautiful and mysterious woman. One of the men disappears, leaving the other to have his way with the girl. The girl is not what she seems, though. She has been living since the late 1800s, and she's a bloodthirsty little vixen.

My Twin, The Worm
A woman has a parasitic worm growing inside of her, alongside her precious daughter. Her daughter somehow becomes attached to the worm, claiming that he is her "twin." The girls mother dies when she's young, and she is sent to live with her father and stepmother. Her stepmother starves her, and she asks her twin, "You aren't just going to let her kill me, are you?" And of course, being the wonderful big brother he is, he takes care of things.

This wasn't mind-blowing, but it was pretty interesting. The killer nipples are hilarious, for one. My Twin, The Worm has some pretty freaky fetal images. Stanley's Girlfriend is pretty dull and, in my opinion, the worst of the bunch. I'm all for vampires and all, but the way the story was told made it a tad bit boring. The main reason I wanted to watch this was because I noticed Sean Cunningham (creator of Friday the 13th) directed one of the shorts. His creation? Jibaku. This one was my favorite of them all. It wasn't mind-blowing either, but it was definitely the best of the bunch. The dead monk looks amazing, and the sex scene between him and the Wife is pretty gruesome. It's an interesting story, though I didn't understand it 100%. I think it would have been better had it had more time to play out. The wraparound story was okay, though extremely predictable. It's full of sex (so don't watch it with the kiddos!), mild gore, and a few confusing moments.

Another thing I liked about this movie was two of its stars. John Saxon (from A Nightmare on Elm Street) stars as Leo in Stanley's Girlfriend. Though he's kind of an ass, he's great as always. Also, Henry Gibson. If you don't know who that is, he is Grandpa O'Reiley from the made-for-TV Disney movie Luck of the Irish. I've always thought he was an adorable old man, and he was amazing here.

Overall, this was just okay. It can be entertaining for a boring night at home alone, but don't expect to be extremely wowed by it.

#102 -- Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Directors: Yoshihiro Nishimura & Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Rating: 5/5

Oh my god, I love Asians! Good grief, they make some good movies. This movie's scare factor? Zero. Its awesome factor? 5 billion. This one is sort of like a romance/action/kung fu/horror/comedy. It appeals to everyone, so there's absolutely no excuse for not seeing it. First off, we've got Monami, a beautiful young vampire girl who transfers to Tokyo High School and falls in love with a boy named Jugon. In Japan, it is a tradition for girls to give chocolate to boys to express their love for them. Monami takes it to the next level and presents Jugon with chocolate filled with her blood, transforming him into a vampire. The only problem is Keiko, Jugon's girlfriend; she doesn't like that idea very much. Keiko and Monami get into a scuffle, causing Keiko to fall from a balcony and crush her face against the pavement below. Fortunately for Keiko, her father is not only the vice principal of their school, but he is also the Japanese Dr. Frankenstein. He puts her back together using several interesting parts.

Frankenstein Girl

There are a few things you should know if you want to fully understand how awesome Frankenstein Girl is. First: there's a group of girls at Tokyo High School that call themselves the Wrist-Cutters Club. There's an annual Wrist-Cutters Rally, in which one girl is named wrist cutting champion. So, Part 1 of Frankenstein Girl: impenetrable arms of wrist cutting champion. There's another group of girls who are obsessed with tanning; so obsessed that they've decided they want to be black. They act like typical black girls and, trust me, it's completely hilarious. One of these girls has a dream of becoming a marathon runner. Part 2 of Frankenstein Girl: legs of an aspiring runner. Part 3 of Frankenstein Girl: Lungs of a Chinese smoker, who can apparently breathe out gas fumes. So, as you can tell, Frankenstein Girl ends up being pretty damn badass.

Vampire Girl is also a badass. She has a cloak which, like a superheroes costume, gives her some special powers. She can leap great lengths, and she has the ability to turn her blood into weapons (like giant bloody swords). So with Monami, it's best to make sure you kill her100%, because wounding her only gives her a  higher advantage.

Vampire Girl and Frankenstein Girl are both in love with the same boy, and we all know that never ends well. A battle of epic proportions ensues, and it is a battle that cannot be missed! But the question is: is Frankenstein Girl badass enough to defeat Vampire Girl, with her magic vampire cloak of awesomeness?

Ah, this movie is so freaking wonderful. It's silly, it's funny, and it is a gore whore's wet dream. Seriously, the gore in this one is UNBELIEVABLE! The fight scenes are amazing, the romance between Monami and Jugon is cute, though kind of creepy at first. I'm honestly at a loss for words. I don't think it would be possible to adequately explain the amount of awesome packed into this movie. I couldn't explain all the weirdness either, because there's a shitload of that too. The only advice I can give realistically is this: WATCH THIS MOVIE NOW!