#82 -- Chillerama (2011)

Directors: Adam Green, Joe Lynch, Bear McCreary, Adam Rifkin & Tim Sullivan

Rating: 4 / 5

Hello, hello. I'm not dead, I swear! Well, maybe a little, but that's beside the point. But with all the excitement with Christmas and New Year's, I just haven't found the time to write much of anything. Or, if I'm completely honest, I just haven't felt like it. But I thought it was about time I return. Anyways, I was dying to see Chillerama the second I saw an advertisement about it, because I thought it would be totally hilarious. So of course, when my boyfriend gave it to me for Christmas, I made him watch it with me that night. I'm not sure he liked it too much. But my verdict? I wasn't wrong.

It basically pays tribute to the double features of old (except it's more of a quadruple feature). It starts off with a man paying a visit to his wife - in her grave. He hates her for some reason, and decides to rape her corpse. Only his wife doesn't like that idea too much, so she rises from the dead to bite his wiener off. He bleeds neon blue blood all over the graveyard and, instead of going to the hospital, he decides to go to work. Where does he work, you ask? Well, at the drive in movie theater, of course. He cleans himself up in the back room, and washes his bloody hands in the popcorn butter. We know then that the unlucky moviegoers are going to have a very interesting night...The theater patrons watch four films, only three of which we get to see in their entirety.

In Wadzilla, a man is upset because he can't donate his sperm. His count is extremely - and I mean extremely - low. It appears that he can only produce a single little sperm at a time. So, in an effort to raise his count a bit, the doctor gives him an experimental drug supposed to do just that. But instead of making him create more sperm, it only strengthens the one he has - and it grows, and grows, and grows. Every time he becomes aroused, he gets a terrible pain in his testicles, and the doctor tells him the only thing he can do is relieve them of their tension. So, when a blind date gets his blood flowing, he relieves himself in her bathroom. What emerges is a monstrous sperm monster that is intent on finding an egg - in the man's date! They escape, but so does the monster. It terrorizes the city, and it grows more and more with each passing moment. When it is at its largest, the only possible mate for it is Lady Liberty herself.

Wadzilla is my favorite of the four films. It is so goddamn gross its funny. We happened to be eating dinner when we were watching it, and I noticed my mom was having trouble getting her food down, which kind of made it even funnier. The effects are (I assume) purposely horrible, and that just makes it all the better.

I Was A Teenage Werebear - When you hear "werebear," you think that these people will be transforming into cute little grizzly bears, right? Wrong. They're not bears as in "ROAR, eat your face" kind of bears. They're bears in the "rawr, eat your ass" kind of bears, complete with leather chaps. It seems that arousal brings about the transformation, and makes the werebears want to either a) rape someone or b) rip someone to pieces. Oh, and it is a musical. Our gay friends sing little songs throughout the whole thing. This one cracked me up, because it was so stupid. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just what it is. It wasn't the best one of the bunch, but it was definitely entertaining.

The Diary of Anne Frankenstein will have you rolling in your seat! Well, not literally, but you will laugh, I assure you. So, apparently, Anne and her family are relatives of Victor Frankenstein. After the scandal involving the Monster, the Frankenstein family shortened their name to Frank. Anne's family has possession of Victor's diary, and Hitler simply must get his dirty little hands on it. He plans to create some kind of super soldier, using the bodies of fallen Jews. But what he creates instead is an angry Jewish monster. The monster is played by my favorite of all the monsters, Kane Hodder, and the whole movie is worth owning for the simple fact that I got to see him dance. However, I must admit that the best part of this one was Joel David Moore's horrible German. All of the other actors spoke correct German. He, on the other hand, just made shit up. And it made for some hilarious movie-viewing. At one point, he yelled "Kill!" about twenty times, using a different word each time.

The fourth movie that the movie-goers watch is all about shit. We don't get to see this movie, and I'm thankful for that. Instead, our attention is turned to what is going on in the theater.

Zom-B-Movie - This one continues where the opening sequence left off. The penis-less man's blood has gotten into the popcorn, and has turned everyone into horny zombies. So we have, all around the parking lot, zombies raping humans and turning them into horny zombies. Our two remaining characters lock themselves in the car and, since they've just realized that they love each other, decide to have sex. But the owner of the theater is very prepared, and all is perhaps not lost.

All in all, Chillerama is a wonderful movie, and will be loved by horror fans across the globe, I'm sure. It's one of those movies that is so goofy you can't help but love it. This is honestly my favorite type of horror movie. I get to see blood and guts and murder - all that good shit - plus I get to laugh my ass off. It's a win-win situation, and Chillerama definitely delivers the goods.