#187 -- Killer Pad (2008)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Robert Englund

Yeah, you read that right. This movie was directed by Robert motherfucking Englund. Now, I wasn't extremely impressed with the first of his movies I saw (9-7-6 Evil), so I wasn't expecting much from this one. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't really good either. This one was way more of a comedy than it was a horror movie, and I'm not really sure why it was on Fearnet's VOD. It felt like one of those American Pie wannabe college party movies. The guys in this (Brody, Craig, and Doug) were in their early twenties, just moved out of their parents'  houses, and moved out to California to start their lives over. They were lucky enough to run into Winnie, a cute little Asian realtor lady played by Bobby Lee. Yes, Bobby Lee in drag. Winnie gave them a good deal on an amazing house, and it all seemed too good to be true. Well, that's because it was. On the way to their new house, they got lost. They ran into a Mexican guy who tried to warn them of the evil in the house, but he spoke only Spanish  and they couldn't understand him. They heard him say El Diablo, but they couldn't put it together; they thought he wanted some hot sauce, so they threw some ketchup at him and drove away. He kept trying to warn them; he even showed up at the house, became possessed, ripped his own heart out and ate it, then jumped from the balcony. They just thought he was a squatter, playing a trick on them so that they'd leave, and him and his squatter friends could keep on living there. Their second hint that something wasn't right was a coyote in their basement. Along with the coyote, there was a weird pit of red mist, that felt hot to the touch, and so obviously was a portal to the underworld. They joked about this over a nice bong, but never really thought anything more of it.

Some hot girls showed up one day and suggested that they have a house-warming party, so they could get to know some of the people around town. So they made flyers, and had one giant shindig. Among the party-goers was Andy Milonakis (a huge nerd), and Joey Lawrence (playing himself, trying to find his way to Toby Macguire's house). Andy almost got to touch some boobies, but his efforts were thwarted by a midget porn star. Joey killed himself accidentally, I think, with some kind of razors on his motorcycle gloves. Let's see...there was a big, lesbian-looking lady who got sucked down the toilet and then shat on by a fat guy. There was also a priest (played by Jeff Davis, from Who's Line is it, Anyway?): a guy who used to be friends with Brody, Craig and Doug. He was at the party to face his demons, to be sure that he was ready to become a full fledged member of the church. His demons won, however, and he ended up saving the day with a wonderful rendition of "Rock and Roll All Night" by Kiss.

When I type all of this out, it does sound pretty freakin' awesome. There were some pretty funny parts, especially when the guys threw ketchup at the Mexican. They said, "Don't be such a food snob! Give ketchup a chance!" And they referred to it as "white people hot sauce." But anyways, there were some good, funny parts. Those guys were all extremely stupid. And I mean they were dumb as shit. But I guess they had to be. It wouldn't have been the same otherwise. So it was funny, but most of the time it was just stupid. There was nothing funny enough to make me love it, and there definitely wasn't enough horror here. Sure, there were some sexy ass demons, and Satan in a way I've never seen him/her before. But at the end of the day, it was just another okay movie that I could've lived without seeing.