#70 -- Teeth (2007)

Director: Mitchell Lichtenstein

Rating: 4 / 5

The way you would classify this movie depends on who you are. Or your gender. For females (me, at least) it's a comedy. For males, pure terror. It is the story of Dawn, a high school student who discovers her vagina has teeth when her crush tries to rape her. I'd like to mention that both she and her would-be rapist are active in the school's abstinence club. This fact makes the entire movie superbly ironic. Her little problem is what most have always thought of as only a myth: vagina dentata. Her gynecologist learns that it is real when he tries to fist-rape her, and her vagina latches on and won't let go. 

At first, Dawn is terrified of her deformity, and she doesn't want to get close to anyone for fear of hurting them. But she eventually learns to see it as an advantage. She has power over any man she encounters: power that none of us regular women could ever understand. When she discovers this, she uses her power to her advantage, taking revenge on those who cross her. She learns to control it, and little Vaggie only bites when Dawn gets angry. This movie is completely hilarious. There is one scene in particular where a man pisses Dawn off (it happens to be her step-brother, who is in love with Dawn and decides he wants to tap that ass) and Vaggie goes to work. Vaggie bites off the man's pee-pee, and his dog, his beloved little poochie EATS IT. I remember being completely shocked, and then laughing my ass off screaming "Oh my god! The dog ate his dick!" And yes, I laughed my ass off. I have no ass now, thanks to this movie. I find myself wondering if she's missing any fingers...

I couldn't find many photos for this one, and it's a damn shame, because there are some really great scenes here. What I find interesting is that the movie was actually written and directed by a man. You would think that some crazy feminist would create a movie like this, but no. I guess he figured the best way to scare a man is to have his junk bitten off by the thing it wants most. Who knows why; all I know is that this movie is awesomely funny and equally disturbing. You should watch it for the poochie penis munching.