Director: Brian Thomson
This movie sounded like it had some potential. The trailer definitely looked interesting, and it has one of those titles that always intrigues me. But I think I've already seen all of the good b-movies, because I can't seem to find anymore. A good low budget cheesy horror movie is just about the best thing in the world, in my opinion. But a bad low budget cheesy horror movie? It's almost painful. This one isn't quite painful, but it just makes me sad to know that I could have loved it but didn't. It was about a man named Chuck, who was getting ready to get married. His best friend and best man, Sammy, planned a wild bachelor party for him out in the Hamptons. Along with them, were three of their friends, Paulie, The Fish, and Gordon. Gordon wasn't really a friend; he was one of those weird guys you just tolerate because they can get you stuff. In this case, it was the bungalow, which belonged to Gordon's uncle. So they brought him along and tolerated him so they could have a good time. Turns out, that wasn't such a good idea. After a little bit of drinking, three women showed up. Strippers, hookers, whatever you want to call them. They danced around for the guys for a while, then drugged Chuck. One of the girls took him to the bedroom and started having her way with him. Meanwhile, Paulie and The Fish are getting lucky as well. Gordon didn't want anything to do with them, and Sammy was just trying to be nice to his friends by giving them the ladies. I had a suspicion that Sammy was gay, but it never really went into that. But anyways, Paulie and The Fish were killed by the ladies and left to rot in their respective bedrooms. I'm not sure what happened to Paulie, because it was pretty quick and didn't really show it. The Fish was attacked by the woman's giant man-eating breasts. Yes, I said it: man-eating breasts. Chuck was eventually attacked too, but he didn't die. He turned into one of them. Oh, I forgot to mention, the girls were vampires, of course.
Sammy didn't want Chuck to ruin his bachelor party, so he wouldn't let him call his fiance, Michelle. She had something very important to tell him, though, so she went for a visit. When she got there, her man was already a vampire. So she and Sammy set out to kill the master vampire, in hopes that it would turn Chuck back into his old self. Unfortunately, they were wrong about the identity of the master vampire. The true master vampire was surprising, but it didn't make sense, so it wasn't a good surprise. It involved a boy who was horribly humiliated in high school, and his hatred toward his tormentor turning him into a vampire. So, the one who humiliated him happened to be the master vampire, even though he wasn't a vampire at all. So, in this world, a vampire doesn't have to bite someone to turn them, though it does still work like that. You can just get so pissed that it kills you and brings you back as a member of the bloodsuckers. Makes perfect sense, right? Okay, spoiler alert. I don't feel wrong giving this away, and if you watch it, I don't think you'll care either. Gordon was the humiliated boy, surprise surprise. Thinking he was actually the master vampire, Sammy went after him. When Gordon explained everything to him, Sammy just thought he was stupid and killed him anyway. When that didn't work, he realized that Gordon had been telling the truth. Sammy would have to kill himself in order to save Chuck and Michelle (who at that point had also been turned). So he took a bunch of morning after pills and washed them down with alcohol. That didn't kill him, though. He woke up, fine and dandy Chuck and Michelle, also fine and dandy, by his side.
So you see, the whole movie just doesn't make sense. It was okay up until that point. It had some funny parts, and it did succeed in keeping me interested. But the ending wasn't very well thought out, I don't think. They were trying to be original, I guess, but they overlooked the fact that it just didn't many any sense at all. That's why I rated it 2.5. Because I actually enjoyed it up until the end, which ruined it for me. Say Gordon was attacked by a vampire when he ran into the woods, after being humiliated by Sammy. That would make him the master vampire, and all would make sense. Or, if you were set on Sammy being the master, just say that he turned Gordon and just...lost his memory somehow. Or maybe he knew everything, he just didn't know about the kill-the-master thing. I don't know, anything would have been better than anger turning someone into a vamp. I mean, come on people! What the hell? So many things have been changed about vampires over the years, but that at least stays the same. A vampire turns someone into a vampire. There's no way around it. Anyways, overall it was a pretty decent movie. The effects were weird and not that great, the acting was so-so, but it was entertaining. The ending, however, ruined everything. One really awesome thing, though, before I go: Lloyd Kaufman had a cameo as a cross-dresser. Best part of the whole movie.