#179 -- Underworld (2003)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Len Wiseman

I'm going to surprise you by saying that I found this movie On Demand. It wasn't on Fearnet, because they wouldn't dare to have such a good movie grace their VOD channel; it was on one of the premium channels, but I can't remember which one. I was really excited when I found it because, for some reason, I had never seen it before. I'd always been interested in it, but I never got around to watching it. Now I'm really glad I did. It is a vampire movie like no other I've ever seen before. It's also a werewolf movie unlike any I've ever seen.

A long time ago, werewolves were slaves to vampires. One werewolf in particular, Lucian, happened to fall in love with the daughter of the vampire Lord. They married, though it was frowned upon, and Sonya became pregnant. Instead of allowing the "abomination in her womb" thrive and becoming a member of his coven, Lord Viktor had his own daughter killed: burned alive, while Lucian watched. Ever since then, there was a terrible war between the vampires and the lycans. Selene was the character the the movie centered on. She was a vampire warrior, and she was intent on destroying every last one of the werewolves because she believed they killed her family. She learned differently later on, but I'll leave you to figure that one out for yourself. Anyway, Selene discovered that the werewolves had been stalking a human man, and it seemed strange that they would be interested in him as something other than food. So she took him from them, but she wasn't able to save him from a life altering bite from Lucian. Then she was in a bit of a pickle, because she kind of wanted to kill him. Everyone else in her coven certainly wanted him dead, but Selene had grown feelings for him, so she kept him safe.

Eventually we learned that Lucian needed Michael (the human) for his blood. He'd been working on figuring out a way to mix the species of vampire and werewolf, so that nothing like his story with

Sonya would have to happen to anyone else. And Michael's blood was the answer. Michael ended up turning into a vampire werewolf hybrid, and it was pretty fucking bad ass.

Everything about this movie was wonderful. The beautiful Kate Beckinsale played Selene, and she was absolutely amazing. I liked how it turned the werewolves into the sympathetic characters, and it made me angry at a creature that I usually love (vampires). I was on the lycans' side, because I felt for Lucian, and I hoped that he would succeed so that Michael and Selene could be together. Of course, I don't know yet if all that worked out, because I know their other Elder will be rising in the second movie. I haven't seen any of the others, but I'm really excited to check them out. Anyways, let's talk technical shit. The effects were good, of course, but I did think the werewolves looked kind of weird. Michael, as the hybrid, looked way better, and he was a whole hell of a lot stronger. I loved the atmosphere in this too. It was filmed beautifully; everything was dark, but not in the sense that I couldn't see shit, like a lot of movies are. The characters were easy to care for (or hate, accordingly), and I could actually feel something while I was watching it. But what I liked most was the story of it, and how different it was from anything I've ever seen. I was so excited to be able to see a half vampire, half werewolf. I can't believe it took me so long to get into this series, and I can't wait to check out the rest of the movies and see what happens between Selene and Michael. So if you're like me, and you haven't yet checked this out, please do so immediately. You won't regret it, and you'll thank me for it later.

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can

#178 -- Hide and Creep (2004)

Directors: Chuck Hartsell & Chance Shirley
Rating: 2 / 5

I watched this movie probably about five years ago, but I couldn't remember anything other than the naked guy ranting about UFOs and crying about his lost 1964 1/2 Mustang. I remembered that I didn't like it, though, and now I know why. I can sum up the entire film in three words: rednecks fight zombies. That's just about as deep as the story gets. We're not able to care about any of the characters, really. The only character I really felt anything toward was Chuck, the guy who owned Chuck's Super Video World. He was that "I don't give a shit" kind of guy, and he was pretty comical. After he killed the first zombie, the police department refused to help him out with his problem. So naturally, he dumped the body in their lobby with a sticky note on its forehead instructing them to call him. Oh, Chuck! Actually, the entire move was pretty comical. You've got your typical rednecks: gun club, huntin', fishin' and all that jazz. The president of the gun club should have won the parent of the year award for leaving his two young daughters home alone to fight off zombies. The girls were able to take care of themselves, the oldest having a rifle, and the youngest a machete twice as big as she was. They were fine, but that's not the point. Who the hell leaves their children when there's dead folks running around eating people? Dumb hicks, that's who. Look, I was born and raised in Georgia, so I know a thing or two about rednecks. They're not all bad, but some are just dumb as a sack of rocks. So Hide and Creep's portrayal of dumb rednecks is actually quite accurate. It's not only the rednecks, though; there are some plain 'ol southern folks in there too. But they're just as dumb. There was a scene with Mr. Gun Club president, where he was faced with a bar full of zombie strippers eating people. He shot the first, but the second was chowing down on an equally naked woman, and he was just far too aroused to shoot that sexy thang. Luckily, shortly afterwards, he discovered that zombies are afraid of the dark, and he was able to use that to his advantage. Wait, back up, did you just say zombies are afraid of the dark. That's right. Zombies are afraid of the dark. I guess you learn something new every day, right? I mean, it's not like I've ever seen zombies killing at night, so it's got to be true. Oh, and another thing I learned: alien anal probes are actually quite sexy.

Note reads: Dead guy! Call Chuck.

Though this movie was extremely stupid, it did have some good things going for it. Not many, but a few. One, I will say that the actors were actually pretty good. Chuck (played by Chuck Hartsell, who also directed) was the best of the bunch, in my opinion. Not everyone was great, but with the content of the movie, you'd be surprised at how talented the actors were. Second, it was silly. I'm not sure if it was silly in a good way, but it did make me laugh. You can take from that what you will, because I honestly don't know if I'm laughing at it or with it. The effects were horrible, though. These things could have been cannibals for all I knew. They had pale faces, with black rings around their eyes. Add in a little dyed corn syrup and BAM! Instant zombie. No. They didn't look like zombies at all. I know there wasn't a huge budget, but they could have done at least a little something more there. But this movie's biggest problem was that it was boring. Even though there were some funny moments, for the most part, it just failed to keep me interested. I actually fell asleep, then had to rewind it so that I could catch the ending. Spoiler alert: there wasn't really that much of an ending. It was one of those abrupt endings that I always hate. It did have some nice boob shots, though. So, if that's what you're looking for...you can probably find it somewhere else.

#177 -- Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning (1985)

Director: Danny Steinmann
Rating: 4.9 / 5

Attention: I apologize to any people weirdos who haven't seen these movies, but all of my Friday the 13th reviews do contain spoilers, because I can't control my urge to rant.

I've noticed that my reviews of movies are different from most peoples'. Even this, even though most everyone likes (or at least appreciates) these movies, their opinions are all different than mine on the individual films. The ones on the top of my list are on the bottom of others', it seems. This one isn't at the top or the bottom; I'd put it somewhere in the middle, which seems to be the normal thing to do. So at least we're all on the same page with this one. This is the controversial F13 movie. Some love it (really?), some hate it, and some could care less. I saw all of the movies when I was a kid, though it was at a time when I could barely remember what was happening (all I knew was that guy in the hockey mask scared the SHIT out of me). I re-watched all of them when I was thirteen, and when I got to this one, I was severely pissed. I mean, foaming at the mouth, ready to kill someone pissed. It's not really Jason? Then what the fuck is the point? But now, as I'm older and wiser, I'm able to appreciate it for what it is (or what it seems to me).

Remember Tommy Jarvis, the cute little kid who seriously fucked Jason up in the fourth movie? Well, he's a little bit older now, and a little bit crazy. And he quite resembles the original Blue Ranger. He doesn't really do much. He just has hallucinations about Jason coming back to get him. Oh, and he beats the shit out of anyone who pisses him off. Here's what I think the point of this movie is. Remember at the end of part four, where Tommy dressed up like Jason right before he killed him? It seemed like they were trying to make it look like Tommy was going to go crazy and "take Jason's place." And now, here he is, in a halfway house called Pinehurst, acting crazy and suspicious. It doesn't help that he disappears any time a murder happens, and the bodies of his fellow crazies are all stashed in his bedroom. There are a few people they try to make look suspicious, but they aren't really around long enough to be suspicious at all. Of course, none of this really matters at all. Going into this one, we're not given any clues whatsoever that it might not really be Jason. So, silly as we are, we assume it is. So making other people look suspicious is kind of silly. The only thing we have to go on in this one is a police officer stating that Jason is dead and gone. But that doesn't help either, because we know that even if they believe he's dead, it doesn't make it true. And even if he was dead, it's a horror movie, and that doesn't mean he's going to stay dead. So, it might not be a very good point, but that's what I think it was trying to do.

Early on in the movie, one of the kids is viciously murdered. It is Joey, a special guy who gets on everyone's nerves. He's killed by Vick, and chopped into itty bitty pieces. The scene seems kind of pointless, but it plays an important role in the big finale. In the end, this pseudo-Jason is Roy, a paramedic who happened to be Joey's father. We didn't know he was Joey's father, because apparently he abandoned the boy. So my question is this: if he didn't care enough about Joey to be in his life, why care now? And, why did we never see or hear anything of Vick again? Why didn't Roy go after the one who actually killed his son, rather than everyone else who was completely innocent? It takes us back to the premise of the original film. Mrs. Voorhees killed the counselors because she blamed them for her son's death. But no one actually murdered Jason; she didn't have a suspect or a culprit or anyone to truthfully blame anything on. Roy did. Maybe the point of this one was to answer the question Whatever happened to Tommy? He went crazy, that's what happened. At the end, it still tried to make it look like Tommy was going to don the hockey mask and take over Jason's position. I'm not really sure why, because Tommy returned in the sixth film to fight the evil again.

Let's talk about the mask. Notice how it looks a little bit different? That's the fake Jason mask, because the Jason Tommy sees in his dreams wears the real thing. Yeah, it looks stupid. People say it's the worst mask in the entire series, which is true. But I like it that way. I wouldn't want some faker wearing my Jason's real mask. Would you? No, I didn't think so. Some people really hate the fact that it wasn't really Jason, and it bothers me too a little bit. There were some problems with the story in this movie, but I see where it was trying to go with it. And whatever it lacks in story or execution, it makes up for in kills. There's a huge body count, and this movie actually has three of my favorite kills. Most of the kills weren't shown in their full glory, but actually after the fact (which is another thing I didn't like). One of those, though, is totally worth it: a girl gets her face all cut up by a pair of garden shears. We don't get to see it happen, but we get to see what's left of her face afterwards. A guy gets a leather strap bored into his eyes (I don't know how to explain it, but it was badass.) The comic relief for this one is a couple of hillbillies, Ethel and her son Junior. Junior was riding his motorcycle in circles around the house, screaming about how Tommy beat him up, and he runs right into pseudo-Jason's machete. It's all shits and giggles.

Even though there were plenty of things going wrong for this movie, it still only loses .1 in my rating. I refuse to go any lower than that for any of these movies, because I would feel completely blasphemous otherwise. It was something different for the series, which I understand and can appreciate. It's not great, but it's not awful either.

Here's my favorites, in order from best to worst; so let's see if we agree on anything.
7, 1, 3, 6, 4, 8, 2009 Remake, 2, 5, 9, FvJ, X

Let me know how you feel!

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can

#176 -- The Bride (1985)

Director: Franc Roddam
Rating: 3 / 5

If you know anything about me, you know that I expected absolutely nothing from this. I wanted to watch it to see just how much I hated it. But, surprisingly, I didn't hate it. I didn't love it, but I was surprised that it didn't make me foam at the mouth with rage. The Bride is a dramatic re-imagining of the classic film The Bride of Frankenstein. It is dramatic in the sense that it is very different, and in that it is a dramatic movie. Where the original ended when the monster met his bride, that is where this one begins. The first thing you'll notice is that the monster isn't the hideous creature we've come to associate with the title. He's no hunk, but he is not frightening and repulsive. The monster's bride, Eva (Jennifer Beals, Flashdance), is very beautiful, but she is frightened by him at first. After being rejected, the monster accidentally starts a fire which presumably leaves him dead. However, he escapes into the woods, where he meets a dwarf named Rinaldo, who names him Viktor, and they run away to the circus together. At the circus, they develop a cute little trapeze act, in which the monster wears a dress and screams, "My baby!" as Rinaldo dangles from the trapeze. Rinaldo then fakes dizziness and falls, only to be saved by a harness. On one instance, though, a fellow carny tampers with his harness, and Rinaldo is killed. Outraged, Viktor kills the man who took his only friend's life, and then flees back home, with jewels to give Eva as a token of his love for her.

Meanwhile, Dr. Frankenstein (Sting) is teaching Eva to be a very respectable woman. She is beautiful, elegant, and sophisticated. His plan was to create a woman who was equal to man; a woman who was strong and independent with her own mind. He succeeds in his plan, but soon discovers that he doesn't like this woman very much. She is too rebellious, and she refuses to obey his every command. He wishes to marry her, but she wants no such thing. Eva meets Viktor in the woods, but she doesn't remember him at first. When Dr. Frankenstein decides to make Eva his, whether she approves or not, Viktor barges in to save her from the attempted rape, killing Dr. Frankenstein in the process.

I found this movie on Fearnet On Demand, so I suppose it is classified as a horror movie, but I'm not sure why. Probably because it is based on the famous Dr. Frankenstein and his creations. The originals were undeniably horror, though they were beautifully tragic stories. This one is more of a sad drama. The monster did meet his mate again at the end, though I'm not sure if there was any love between them. There was definitely friendship, as they were kindred souls created from parts of the dead. It was a nice, happy ending that worked really well with the rest of the movie. It was different, but that wasn't really a bad thing. I expected to hate it, but it really wasn't a horrible movie. It was well made, and all of the actors were great. It was a different view of a classic story, and it worked. It's probably one of the best I've found On Demand so far. So don't go into this close-minded, as I did. Sure, it's a remake of a movie that we all know and love, but it's so much different that it can almost be considered a different movie entirely. It's not the best thing in the world, but it's by far not the worst. The only problem I had was that it was a tad bit boring. It was slow, but I guess that's because of the dramatic atmosphere of it. There wasn't a lot of action, and there wasn't any horror whatsoever. If you go into this one with an open mind, and don't expect it to be garbage, you might be able to appreciate it.

#175 -- Nightmare Alley (2010)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Scarlet Fry

I had been eyeballing this one on Netflix for some time, though now I can't really come up with an excuse as to why I was interested in it. Just wishful thinking, I guess. It seems like I always assume a movie will be good, until I watch it and discover that it's complete garbage. Nightmare Alley is an anthology movie, which I usually love. Anthologies are easy to keep up with and stay interested in because the story is constantly changing. Usually there's a couple of individual stories and then one big wrap-around, and I haven't yet found one that I completely hated. Well, that is, until now. This one has no wrap-around, save from a Cryptkeeper wannabe "host" character who was really horrible. The mask or make-up that the actor was wearing restricted his speaking, his voice sounded muffled, and his lips barely moved--so I wasn't sure if it was actually him talking, or if there was some kind of weird voice-over going on. It was distracting and annoying, and there wasn't any point for his being there anyway. He just gave a brief synopsis of each story, which I could have figured out for myself, thank you.

There were actually quite a few stories in this one--seven, I think--and all of them were pointless. The characters were horribly bland and developed poorly. The actors were terrible, and the editing was bad. The sound was scratchy and jumpy, and it honestly made me think of a high school computer class project. There was no atmosphere, mood, or any sort of creepiness factor. There was nothing scary, funny, endearing, dramatic, sad...I could go on and on. There was just...nothing. The movie wasn't very long, and since there were so many different stories, I understand why everything was so sloppy and rushed. I understand, but that doesn't make it okay. If your stories are going to be short, you better have some serious talent or the viewer is going to be severely disappointed. There were a couple of the stories I thought had a little potential, so I'll focus on those rather than all seven.

In one, a man buys a little rubber rat from a dollar store. The lady at the counter tells him it's dangerous, it will possess his soul, and sends him on his way. The rat talks to him, instructing him to kill young women so that the rat can feed on their souls. Everything takes a turn for the worse for the man, though, when he picks up a hitch-hiker who takes no shit. In another, a cheating husband meets up with a woman he met online, only to be viciously murdered. That woman turns out to be the ghost of a woman who killed her cheating husband before taking her own life. And the last on my list is about a woman who murdered her angry husband and then fed him to her new lover. It said that he was fed the dead man's remains for six weeks, before he was found wandering the streets in a speedo. Now, I said those stories had potential, which they did. The stories were kind of interesting, and with a little better development, and a longer running time, they could have been good. Sadly, they were not good. They were still horrible, but they were the best in the bunch. The rest were completely pointless and could have been cut out completely, in my opinion.

I rarely feel that I've wasted my time with movies that I watch, because I feel that they all deserve my time. I do want to see every horror movie ever made, after all. But I was actually a bit angry after watching this, because it was a complete waste of time. These "stories" were more like sketches than anything, and all it succeeded in doing was making me wish it was over already. Director Scarlet Fry is associated with another movie I've been interested in, but now I'm kind of hesitant of that one too. My advice: skip this one, please.

#174 -- Vile (2011)

Director: Taylor Sheridan
Rating: 3 / 5

When you read the synopsis of this movie, it's going to be intriguing. It's going to make you think that this thing has some potential and that it might be interesting. Both are true, but there are some things that make it disappointing, and those things cause it to lose a couple of points. It all starts when a group of friends picks up a female hitchhiker. When they reach her destination, she spews some gas at them, rendering them unconscious. They wake up in a strange house with a group of strangers, and they've all got vials implanted in the back of their heads. A talking head on a TV screen tells them that these vials must be filled with some brain fluid that is released when the body tells the brain something is wrong. In other words, they must be in extreme pain for these chemicals to be released. One of the guys actually points out that these chemicals can also be released during sex. But all the girls are so repulsed by that idea that they would rather torture themselves. Personally, I'd take the sex any day. But that wouldn't be much of a horror movie, though, would it? I think leaving that remark out of the script entirely would have made the characters look 98% less stupid. So, they all take turns getting the shit beat out of them, having their fingernails ripped out, being seared with an iron/boiling water, and other such torturous things. They have twenty two hours to fill the vials all the way up. There's a second vial in their skulls that will release some deadly thing that will kill them. So if they refused to participate in their host's twisted little game, it's lights out for them.

Okay, there are a couple of ways that this movie fails. First, the characters aren't all that great. There was only one character that I really cared about, and that was only because she was pregnant. But [spoiler alert] she dies anyway, so it doesn't matter. There was another character that I kind of liked, but that didn't end very well either. They were all shallow, cowardly, and they didn't care about anything but their own asses. There were a few who wanted to help everyone get out of there alive, but most were just vain assholes. Maybe that was a reflection of humans and their complete disregard and disrespect for one another, but it just made the characters easy to hate.

Second, you would think that being in the torture porn subgenre of horror, there'd be a little bit of blood, right? Fuck no, you'd think there'd be a whole shitload of blood. Well, there's just a little bit. There isn't all that much gore, and the torture methods are repeated so they can remain humane and not hurt each other too much. Fuck that, I say. Sure, that's the right thing to do, and I'd do the same thing in that situation. But that's not what I want to see in a movie that boasts about torture and calls itself "vile". I want to see people get seriously fucked up. One man did get pretty fucked up, but it didn't last long enough to really save it. I would have liked to have seen a little more variation, and a little more creativity. Fingernail pulling and burning is pretty bland, yes? There were some that made me cringe, but that's not really what I was looking for.

Lastly, the ending. [spoiler alert]It was disappointing for me, because like I said above, the pregnant chick dies. How are you gonna kill off the one person I was able to care about? I mean, really? I will say, though, that the last few lines of the movie had me giggling.

Despite all of that, I wouldn't call this a terrible movie, as other reviewers do. It kept me interested, because I wanted to see what they were going to do to each other. It failed on a couple of points, but there were some things I liked about it as well. I think was more on an emotional level. It was what people will do to each other in order to save their own lives; or what they will do to themselves to save their lives. I think the movie was going for a deeper sort of entertainment, and it succeeded somewhat, but not completely. It gets a three point rating because it was okay, but it could have been a lot better.

#173 -- Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (2006)

Director: Chad Ferrin
Rating: 3.5 / 5

Most people would be turned off by a title like that, turn around, ignore it and forget they ever saw it. But me? I see something like that, and my first--and only--thought is "I have to see it." Something that seems so completely ridiculous is strangely intriguing. It could be utter shit, yes. But it could also be total brilliance. Don't judge a book by its cover. Or, don't judge a movie by its title. In this case, it really wasn't either shit or brilliance. But it wasn't bad. It was about a woman named Mindy and her very "special" son Nicholas. Mindy had a new boyfriend, who happened to be a murderer and a thief, and Nicholas didn't like Remington too much. Rem seemed like he could have been a nice father figure for Nicholas, since his real father had been dead for nearly ten years. He seemed accepting and kind, and Mindy was very excited to finally meet a man like him. She worked as a nurse, and had to work a double shift on Nicholas' favorite holiday, Easter. She trusted Remington to take care of her son while she was away at work (since she'd just fired her nanny and her handy man for being assholes). But as soon as Mindy left the house, Remington's true colors were revealed. Where he initially seemed to be an okay guy, he was actually a hateful and abusive man. Any time Nicholas did or said something that didn't please him, he threatened to kill his new pet bunny (Nicholas got the bunny as a gift from a creepy homeless man, played by Trent Haaga). What's even worse than that is Remington didn't plan to stay and watch Nicholas at all. Instead, he called his freaky pedophile friend to come play with him. Pedophile Ray had a box of goodies he couldn't wait to share with Nicholas, and was left alone with him while Rem went off to score some hookers. Fortunately, Ray didn't have time to harm the poor boy, because a killer in a bunny mask showed up to save the day.

Meanwhile, Jorge and Lupe, the handy man and nanny, weren't very happy about losing their jobs, so they decided to break into the house and steal some things. Along with a friend of theirs, they stepped into a situation that wasn't all that pleasant for them. When Rem and his two hookers, Brooke and Candy, returned to the house, they found the situation less than ideal as well. The masked killer was more than a little vicious with them, and some pretty great kills followed. One of the hookers actually had a broom handle shoved down her throat. But the kills weren't the most disturbing parts of this movie. Remington and Ray bothered me more than anything. I was so scared--so worried--about what they were going to do to poor Nicholas. I was glad when they were taken out. So in this case, the killer is actually the good guy. He saved Nicholas from some trauma that he probably wouldn't have been able to deal with.

So, don't let this title fool you. It might not be the best movie ever made--and trust me, it isn't--but it really is pretty good. The acting was okay, and everything looked pretty good for a low budget movie. The dialogue was kind of silly, but I am more than capable of looking past that. This one actually had an effect on me, though. I was pissed that someone could treat a special child the way Remington and Ray treated Nicholas. Of course, I know things like that actually happen. But seeing it on screen was more than a little disturbing for me. The kills were nice and vicious, which I like, of course. The surprise ending wasn't extremely surprising, and it actually ended on a very good note. It was a very lovey-dovey happy ending to such a brutal bloodbath.

#172 -- One Missed Call (2008)

Director: Eric Valette
Rating: 3 / 5

It all started with a girl named Shelley. She was obviously freaked out about something, though it wasn't clear what at first. Then she and her cat were drowned in the pond in her backyard. After that, her friends started dying one by one. Next was Leann, who received a call from Shelley's phone (after Shelley had already died). The voice mail she got was of her own voice screaming, and it was dated a few days in the future. When that day came, Leann fell in front of a moving train and was killed. Then Brian received a call from Leann's phone, predicting his death, which came shortly afterwards. After Brian was Taylor, who died similarly. And finally, Beth, our main character. Beth teamed up with a detective, whose sister died right before Shelley. They were both convinced that all these deaths were linked somehow, and that whatever was happening wasn't normal. These weren't your average every day murders. There was something more, something sinister and supernatural, going on here. So they did a little digging. They found out that the first phone call came from a woman named Marie. They tracked her down, only to discover that she was already dead. They tracked down Marie's daughter Laurel, who had become mute since the fire that killed her mother. After a little more digging, they found a hidden camera that revealed Laurel's family's past, and discovered the truth of the killer phone calls. The truth was kind of sad, and a little creepy at the same time. It turned out that Marie's other daughter, Ellie, had more to do with the murders than they had previously thought. But with the help of the detective, and maybe one friendly ghost, was Beth able to avert her death?

I think it's safe to say that most remakes of Asian horror movies are good, because they were based on such wonderful films. They've got that creepiness that we love from Asian horror, even if it doesn't live up to the original. When viewed as a movie on its own, One Missed Call really is pretty good. But when you compare it to the original, which is natural with remakes, it simply isn't as good. The original of this movie is one of my favorites of all time, because it freaked me the hell out the first time I watched it. Hearing that ringtone still kind of freaks me out a little bit. This one didn't have that effect on me, however. It didn't have all the creepiness of the original, though it did have a little bit. The one scene in the original that creeped me out the most was omitted here, which was disappointing. So, yes, it was a bit disappointing, but I expected as much. One thing I can say this one had that the original definitely did not was Margaret Cho. Ms. Cho is one of my favorite women ever, and I've always had a little bit of a crush on her. I love that woman, and I was really excited to see her here, even though her part was way too small. Anyways, if you've never seen the original, chances are you'll enjoy this quite a bit. If you have, like me, you might be disappointed. Just a little, though, because it really isn't all that bad.

#171 -- Critters (1986)

Director: Stephen Herek
Rating: 4 / 5

Somewhere in outer space, a group of alien creatures called Crites escaped from an asteroid prison, and two alien bounty hunters were sent to Earth to obtain the creatures. The bounty hunters were able to transform into any person they saw. One of them transformed into a famous rock star, and the other couldn't quite make up his mind, so he kept transforming into different people in a small town in Kansas. In this town there lived a nice family by the name of Brown. They were a normal happy family: Helen, Jay, and their two children April and Brad. The Crites, or Critters, landed on their farm and started to eat everything in sight. They ate the cows, the chickens, and pretty much all the pillows in the house. For some unknown reason, they left Chewy the cat alone. They had rows of razor sharp teeth, as well as poisonous quills that could render a person unconscious, and it seemed like they could temporarily paralyze too. The town drunk, Charlie, who always claimed he could hear aliens through his fillings, was the only one who really believed there were aliens around, though. That didn't last very long, of course. The Browns were attacked by the creatures several times, and April's boyfriend Steve (Billy Zane) was actually killed by one. They eventually boarded themselves in their home, while Brad went out for help. He met up with the two bounty hunters, led them back to his house, and they began to destroy the place trying to kill the Critters. But with a well placed molotov cocktail, they were able to at least buy themselves some time. I'm positive the Critters were in prison for being evil, and they probably caused some serious destruction back on their own planet. I'm not sure, though, what their motive was. Probably just hunger, right? Evil, killer Critters don't really need a motive, I guess. They just are. After a while, they started growing. I guess the more they ate, the bigger they got. They started off the size of small cats, and one ended up just about the same size as the people they were trying to eat. Another interesting fact about Critters: they didn't walk; they rolled, which was kind of weird. They spoke in their own little language, and they were all potty mouths.

This is your typical weird '80s movie. It didn't have any of that typical cheese I love, though. That wasn't a bad thing, because this one came off serious to me, even though it was about hungry little alien things. I don't think it was trying to be silly, which is a little strange for a movie made in that decade. Again, not a bad thing. It's just weird enough to make me like it, though. I remember watching these movies as a kid, and I always thought those little critters were creepy. I was never scared of them, but I did like them. I still like them, and I would definitely recommend this movie. It's entertaining, interesting, weird, and great.

#170 -- The Innkeepers (2011)

Director: Ti West
Rating: 3 / 5

Many years ago, a woman named Madeline O'Malley hanged herself after her fiance left her standing at the altar. It happened at a quaint little inn called The Yankee Pedlar, and Madeline's spirit is said to be haunting the inn to this day. Claire and Luke, a couple of paranormal investigators, took jobs at the inn so they could hopefully prove that Madeline's spirit was present. The Yankee Pedlar hadn't been getting very good business as of late, though, and would shortly be shut down. The owner was out of the country, so Claire and Luke were the only staff members present at the inn. Along with them were a woman and her young son, who left after a short time and seemed completely pointless. There was also a woman named Leanne Rease-Jones, an actress turned psychic, who helped Claire and Luke out throughout their investigation (mostly Claire, though, because Luke thought she was full of shit). After a while, another man showed up. I don't think he ever said his name, but he was kind of creepy and ended up killing himself in his bathtub. I think he was supposed to be Madeline's ex fiance, though it never really specified. Anyways, all the action culminated in the basement, where I suppose Madeline's spirit was actually trapped. Again, it didn't really specify. In the end, Claire ended up facing the spirit alone, though the ending was extremely abrupt and disappointing. The seemed less like a horror movie, and more like one of those paranormal investigation shows. A lot of nothing and a very small amount of action.

I didn't like the fact that everything just sort of happened without reason or explanation. It didn't get too much into the story of Madeline and her fiance, which I also didn't like. There wasn't very much investigating being done by Claire or Luke, meaning there wasn't very much ghost action. When we finally did see Madeline, she was pretty awesome. I wish they would have used her more, and given her more of a story. What I did like was the characters. Claire and Luke worked really well together and had great chemistry. The actors did a great job with them, and I was very drawn to them, especially Claire. Luke ended up disappointing me, but I still liked him at the end. But the great characters couldn't save the movie fro the lack of any real story. When it comes to ghost stories, I love ones with really deep stories concerning the spirits. I want to sympathize with them as well as the heroes of the story. I want to feel like I understand why they're trapped on Earth, and why they're so angry. Also, I like for them to be present for more than ten minutes of the movie. I like some scares! People say jump scares are cheesy or cliche, but personally I love them. This had none of those. Or any other scares at all, for that matter. The main reason to see this movie is for the chemistry between the main characters, but that's not really reason enough to see a movie, is it? Especially when it's a horror movie, whose sole purpose should be to scare the pants off of us. I had heard some good things about this movie, so I was hoping to love it. I didn't love it, though, and I was sadly disappointed.

#169 -- House on Haunted Hill (1959)

Director: William Castle
Rating: 5 / 5

I've always said this is one of my favorite movies, and it's available to me on so many outlets. I have it on two different DVD sets, and it's available on Netflix. So there's really no excuse for me waiting so long to post about it. The first thing you need to know (as if you didn't already) is that our leading man here is the one and only Vincent Price. I haven't come close to seeing all his films but I can say honestly that he's one of my favorite actors. He had a look about him, and that voice! His name-Vincent Price- rolls off the tongue and sounds so nice. He was made for horror. Or horror was made for him, either way. Plus he was an amazing actor. In everything I've seen him in, he puts all the other actors/actresses to shame. No one could hold a candle to our dear Mr. Price. I just love him! There's something about him that screams elegance and grace, but at the same time he's creepy as hell. He was just a beautiful man, and that is made very apparent here. While all other aspects of this movie could very rightfully be called silly and campy, Mr. Price's performance can be called nothing other than brilliant, as is everything else he ever did. The Plot: A millionaire, Frederick Loren, holds a birthday party for his wife, in which he invites five strangers to a so-called haunted house. He will pay them each ten thousand dollars if they can stay in the house overnight. If they all survive, they get the ten grand. If not all of them survive, the fifty thousand he was willing to shell out will be divided between the survivors. One of the men at at the party, a Mr. Pritchard, truly believes there are ghosts in the house. He knows of all the murders that have happened there over the years (one of which was his brother's), and he's sure that the ghosts are coming for each and every one of them. Nora, the pretty girl of the group, sees a ghost first. She's the only one who ever sees anything, and it slowly drives her a little bit mad. When the body of Mrs. Loren is found hanging from the ceiling, everyone (except Mr. Pritchard, of course) is positive that Frederick is to blame. They lock themselves in their bedrooms and try to stay alive until morning, so they can alert the police to Mrs. Loren's murder. Only Mrs. Loren wasn't murdered. She wasn't even dead! [Spoiler alert] The whole thing was an elaborate scheme between Mrs. Loren and her lover to kill Frederick, so that she could get his money. The things Nora was seeing was just what they called "hysteria"; the idea of the ghosts frightened her so much that her subconscious convinced her she was seeing them. It was all a part of the plan. So, where there really any ghosts? If the walls could talk, only they would be able to tell us.

I'm not really sure why, but I just love this movie. The scares are a bit silly and over the top, but honestly, what do you expect from a movie like this? Every horror movie made around this time is going to look silly to us, because we know what possibilities movies have these days. We've seen CGI and and top-notch special effects. So skeletons on strings are just downright stupid, right? I don't think so. Like I've said many times before, it's the simplicity of these movies that draws me to them. They don't need over the top gore to get their point across. All they're trying to do is give us a little spook. Ask someone that grew up in the 1950s and watched this movie as a child. They'll tell you it scared the shit out of them, I'm sure. I am a gore whore; I love seeing buckets of blood and guts everywhere. But it is nice to see, every once in a while, a movie rely on atmosphere and other things to get its scares in. House on Haunted Hill is beautiful and elegant, and Vincent Price is such a distinguished gentleman (even though he really wanted his dear wife dead), that I can't help but love it. And you should too! There was a remake of this, of course, some time in the '90s I think. I actually enjoyed the remake quite a bit too. There was a sequel to the remake called Return to House on Haunted Hill, and that one just...well, that one sucked. There's nothing quite like the original, and there will never be another movie quite like this one.

#168 -- The Orphanage (2007)

Director: Juan Antonio Bayona
Rating: 3 / 5

I bought this movie because I saw Guillermo del Toro's name plastered on it. He was the mind behind Pan's Labyrinth, one of my favorite movies, so I had pretty high hopes for this one. I know now, though, that del Toro only produced this, and it was his so called protege who directed. Knowing this, though, makes me feel better about the fact that I didn't love it. It was about a woman named Laura who grew up in an orphanage. She was adopted, and she didn't see the place again until she was in her late thirties with an adopted son of her own. I'm assuming her son, Simon, didn't come into the world under the greatest of circumstances, because he was HIV positive. Laura and her family moved into the old orphanage, and they planned to open it back up as a home for special needs children. Simon met some imaginary friends which, as viewers, you and I know were only imaginary to Laura and her husband. What he was really seeing were ghosts--the ghosts of the children Laura grew up with in the orphanage. One of the ghosts was Tomas, a deformed boy with a creepy burlap sack over his head. He kept to himself when he was at the orphanage with Laura, so she never realized that he'd been killed by some of the other kids, while they were playing a prank on him on the beach. Tomas' mother wasn't happy about this, and shortly after Laura was adopted, she poisoned all the other children. Simon told Laura about a game his new friends liked to play. They stole some treasure, and you had to find it by the clues they laid out. So when Simon disappeared, Laura had to play a very dark game of treasure hunt to find her son.

I liked the idea of the treasure hunt thing, but it just wasn't played out enough, I don't think. I also liked the burlap-sack kid; that was the one creepy thing going on here, but we didn't get to see him all that often either. I think those were just attempts to keep our attention for a minute, while the rest of the movie was kind of bland. I was hoping for a Pan's Labyrinth like feel, but it didn't give me that either. It didn't have comedy or gore to save it either. There was one little bit of gore, where Tomas' mother was hit by a bus, and it took her jaw almost completely off. Seeing her jaw hanging was gruesome enough, but before we saw that, we saw Laura's husband giving her mouth to mouth. How do you give mouth to mouth to a woman who barely has a mouth? In the end, it's an okay movie that didn't quite understand the concept of scaring people. I actually did like the ending, though. It ended on a beautiful yet sad note, and it worked. There really was no other way it could have ended. So it gets my three point rating because it was an okay movie. It could have been better, but it also could have been worse.

#167 -- Case 39 (2009)

Director: Christian Alvart
Rating: 4 / 5

Renee Zellweger is Emily Jenkins. She is a social worker who devotes her life to helping children escape bad situations. It's not easy work, but she takes pride in it. She really cares for all the children she works with, but none so much as Lily Sullivan. She feels drawn to Lily's case (which is her 39th), so when the department cans the investigation, Emily takes it into her own hands to get Lily away from her abusive parents. Lily told her that she heard her parents talking about sending her to Hell, and Emily can tell that Lily is really afraid of something. When Emily and her police officer friend arrive at the Sullivan home, her parents have Lily locked in the oven, planning to burn her alive. They are obtained, and Lily goes to live with Emily. Everything seems fine for a while, until Emily realizes that Lily is a bit frightening. And that people around her die mysteriously. She learns from Lily's father that she kills people by showing them their very own private Hells. She feeds on fear. What she does is get into peoples' heads, making them see things that cause them to eventually take their own lives. By this point, Emily is retty damn scared. But she can't just give Lily to someone else, or the whole thing will start all over again. And she can't let her stay, of course, or Emily will end up dead. The only way to stop the demon child is to kill her.

So, it turns out, the Sullivans aren't crazy, as everyone had thought. They are victims. I hated them to begin with, but I grew to feel sorry for them. They end up dying "mysteriously" in the mental facility where they were kept. As for Emily? Lily tells her that if she doesn't do everything she says, she will get hurt. Since everyone that could have helped Emily is dead by this point, she's all on her own. She has two choices: 1) become a slave to the little demon girl, or 2) find a way to kill her.

I'll be honest: I wasn't really expecting much from this one. I'm not sure why, but it just didn't seem interesting to me. But it surprised me by being a pretty entertaining movie. I was drawn to the characters immediately so, even though it started out a bit slow, I was interested in the people and their lives. The little girl who played Lily did an amazing job, and she really was quite creepy. The demon's true form was only glimpsed, but it looked great. Story, characters, acting, effects - everything was good. I wouldn't call it top-knotch, but there aren't many that I would. But it definitely kept my attention, and I really enjoyed it.

#166 -- Occupant (2011)

Director: Henry Miller
Rating: 3 / 5

This is one of those movies you have to be patient to enjoy, because the pacing is pretty slow. It's not so much outright horror as it is psychological, because it follows the mental downfall of a man who was once completely normal. It's the story of Danny Hill. His grandmother died from a heart attack, and Danny was then entitled to receive her rent-controlled apartment. Well, not really. Technically, he would have to have lived with her to be entitled to the apartment. But the doorman and a lawyer really want him to have the place, for some reason. The lawyer said that under normal circumstances, the apartment would have been worth 10,000 dollars a month, though that doesn't seem quite right to me. Anyways, Danny's grandmother payed a little under 700, and the plan was to have that lease agreement continue for Danny. The only problem was that the landlord really didn't want that to happen. The lawyer lied and said that Danny did, indeed, live with his grandmother for a month before she died; that way, he would be entitled to it. But they said that he could not, under any circumstances, leave the apartment until everything was settled. The doorman did everything for Danny, so he never had to leave his apartment. He needed to barricade himself in there, because the landlord wanted to kick him out. The lawyer told him that, if he left, they wouldn't let him back in. So Danny was pretty much a prisoner in there, with his only companion being a cute little kitty named Ziggy. But being cooped up in that apartment all alone drove Danny a little bit crazy. Okay, maybe a lot crazy.

He eventually started to believe that everyone was out to get him; everyone was trying to take his home away from him. He was determined to keep that from happening. He ran razor wire all through the apartment and made some really bizarre weapons out of household items. He also rigged a door to the ceiling with nails all over it. All he had to do was cut the rope and the door would come swinging down, impaling whoever was in its path. Danny also killed anyone who came into the apartment, but by then he was too crazy to even remember killing them.

I thought this was going to be a ghost story, because the info on Netflix said something about Danny being sure he wasn't alone in the apartment. But it turned out that Danny just went crazy. I wasn't disappointed by the way it turned out. The ending was pretty good, and the guy that played Danny did a wonderful job making me believe he was nuts. It wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, but I did enjoy it. Like I said, though, it's slow. Throughout the whole thing, I wasn't really sure which direction it was taking. Sometimes I was sure it was just a man losing his marbles, but at some parts, I was sure that Danny was right about being tricked. Why would they work so hard to give him a 10,000 dollar apartment for 675? I figured there had to be something wrong with it; but it turned out, they were just trying to help him. Anyways, it was a pretty good movie, though it takes a little bit of patience to enjoy it.

#165 -- Fright Night (1985)

Director: Tom Holland
Rating: 4 / 5

It's been a very long time since I first saw this movie, and I'd forgotten just how awesome certain parts of it were. This one and the original are both on demand, so I figured I'd get cracking on them. I think every horror fan knows Fright Night, and it seems to me that everyone has positive things to say about it. I can definitely understand why, because it's very entertaining. It's about a teenager named Charlie. It seemed like he was a fairly normal guy with a pretty normal girlfriend, Amy. He had sex on his mind, as does pretty much every other teenager. That was until someone moved into the house next door. He became a little obsessed with his new neighbor, because the very first day of his arrival, Charlie saw a coffin being carried into the house. He was curious and a little bit worried, so he started watching the guy's every move. He was Jerry Dandridge, and Charlie became positive that he was a vampire. He felt pretty safe when his best friend explained to him that a vampire cannot enter your home without being invited first. But, unfortunately, Charlie's mom thought Jerry was a hottie and invited him in for drinks. That, of course, meant that Jerry could come and go as he pleased. He took advantage of that, so he could sneak into Charlie's room one night to try and kill him (because he wasn't pleased that Charlie figured out his secret. But poor Charlie was all alone. His mom, Amy, his best friend "Evil" Ed, and of course the police force all thought he was nuts. No one would help him. That was until Amy paid Charlie's favorite TV star to come and help out. Peter Vincent was known on television as the greatest vampire killer of all time, but in real life he was nothing but a scared little old man. He needed the money, though, so he decided to go along and help convince Charlie that he was wrong. He took along a vial of water, told Charlie it was holy water, and had Jerry drink it. Shortly, though, Peter realized that Charlie had actually been right.

Jerry wasn't very happy that all these people knew his secret, so he went after them. He took Evil Ed first, turning him into one of the funniest vampires I've ever seen. He sent Evil to kill Peter, but that didn't work out very well. Then he kidnapped Amy in an attempt to get Charlie and Peter to his house so he could kill them himself. So it was Charlie and Peter vs. Jerry and his henchman Billy. Some interesting things I learned from this: when vampires are staked, they leak acid, which is what makes them turn to dust. It's really gross to watch, but kind of funny at the same time. Sunlight turns them to dust too, but that's nothing we didn't already know. Crosses burn their skin, though I'm not so sure how garlic effects them in this one. It was mentioned, but it was never really used. So, Fright Night does stick true to the vampire legend, which is cool. They were also able to transform into really beautiful wolves. Evil Ed became a wolf while trying to kill Peter Vincent, but he changed back when he got a table leg stuck in his heart. The transformation was gruesome, and not in the good way. That beautiful wolf became hideous in mere seconds, but I guess the effects were pretty good considering. I don't care about all that anyways, as you know, as long as it appears that someone was at least trying to make it look good.

This was made in the '80s, so you know it's going to be silly going into it. The vampire effects weren't that great (aside from the Amy-vampire; that just looked wicked, in my opinion). The acting was okay, the dialogue was typical '80s style. Everything about it screamed '80s horror movie, and it's great. My favorite character by far was Evil Ed. Human or vampire, that guy was weird enough to be absolutely hilarious. His acting was strange but extremely entertaining. I didn't know it until now, but the woman who played Amy would eventually go on to become that weird chick that lived next door to the Bundys in Married With Children. And Evil Ed would go on to star in a shitload of gay porno flicks. But anyways, Fright Night is a great movie, cheesy special effects and all.

#164 -- Metamorphosis (2007)

Director: Jeno Hodi
Rating: 2.5 / 5

Okay, first let me explain something. I'm really interested in real-life serial killers. It's fascinating how seemingly normal people can snap and kill dozens of people. It's fascinating how fucked up people can be. It's crazy to think that shit like that actually happens. But where did my fascination begin? It began way back in the 17th century with a countess named Elizabeth Bathory. This is the second movie I've seen based on her, the first being one called Stay Alive. That one was actually really good, but I'll save that for another time. This one, though, I didn't enjoy very much. It seemed to me like they tried to make it beautiful and artistic, but it didn't really work all that well. It was about a group of friends on a trip in Hungary. One of them, Keith, was there to write a book about the famous Blood Countess, and his destination was the Bathory castle. He felt very sympathetic toward the Countess because of what drove her past the brink of insanity. She was beaten by her husband, The Count, and had her daughter stolen from her, before being locked away in the tower. Then, she became positive that if she drank and/or bathed in the blood of young virgin women she would remain young and beautiful forever. I guess it went in that order, because that's the only thing that makes sense to me. I mean, why would Keith feel sympathy for a woman who murdered hundreds of people, unless his sympathy was for The Countess in her pre-crazy days? Anyways, the story said that Elizabeth's daughter (who was apparently also named Elizabeth) ran away into the woods and was never seen again. The truth was that Elizabeth Junior had continued with her mother's mission and began drinking blood herself. And apparently, just drinking blood will magically turn someone into a vampire. It doesn't have to be vampire blood or anything. Just, act like a vampire and become one, I guess. Anyway, Keith never planned on falling in love with Elizabeth Junior, but that's just what he did.

After getting into a car accident, he and his friends traveled with Elizabeth Junior to an alternate dimension. There, they fought with a man who had been transformed by EJ and was angry about her having transformed his brother. He wanted to kill her, as well as anyone else in her company. [Spoiler Alert] All of Keith's friends were killed, and he...well, he was killed too, but EJ made sure that he came back, so that he could be by her side forever. She said that even though his body had died, his brain cells remained active. Because of that, he had four minutes (very specific, right?) to return to the real world before he was dead forever. He wasn't going to make it to the "white light" (a portal back into the real world) in time, and that's why EJ had to put the bite on him.

All of that sounds pretty good. Kind of lame, but okay. But the problem I have is that they turned the Blood Countess into an actual vampire. She is considered the original vampire (at least to me), but I just don't like that idea. I like seeing her represented as she truly was: a vain, beauty-obsessed crazy person who obtained immortality through murder. Though she drank blood, she wasn't a vampire. She was just crazy. There's something more romantic about it that way. Besides, this movie wasn't even about Elizabeth Bathory. It was about her daughter. Apparently the real woman wasn't able to achieve her goals, but her daughter was. That's insulting, if I may say so. This is another example of "all vampires know kung-fu" too, and not in a good way. The fight scenes were lame, and lacked any true action. Also the entire movie was kind of jumpy and repetitive, and some of it didn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm always excited to watch a movie based on something I know about, and I'm almost always disappointed. I didn't like how the Countess (or countess junior, whatever) was portrayed, even though the actress was very beautiful. At the end of the day it was a movie that tried to be something special, but didn't quite get there; and it ended up dull and weird.

#163 -- Night of the Living Dead (2006)

Director: Jeff Broadstreet
Rating: 3/5

I think it's safe to say that every horror fan loves, or at least appreciates, the original Night movie. It was, to me, the original zombie movie. I know there were others before it, but none that made quite as much of an impact. It was a wonderful movie, and it will always be one of the greatest horror classics. So, of course, people feel the need to do it all over again. I've known about this remake for a while, but I didn't know that there was another in 1990 directed by Tom Savini. Apparently there will be another this year (or maybe it's already done, I'm not sure). Apparently no one's ever heard of the phrase, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Anyways, this one was on Fearnet On Demand. The description said something about it being better because it was filled with gratuitous nudity. I saw one set of tits, so that hardly qualifies as gratuitous. Even if it did, it wouldn't make it better than the original. Sid Haig is in this one, so that's good. He actually plays a big part in the new story line, which is kind of interesting. But it doesn't make up for the fact that the whole thing fails to live up to its name. They call it a re-imagining, which is just a way for them to say, "I remade this movie, but it's still original, guys, 'cause I put some new shit in it." It's still a remake, you just decided to fuck it up even more. Okay, so it does follow a woman named Barbara, but she's just annoying. She and her brother Johnny take a trip to the cemetery. In the original, I believe Barbara and Johnny were there to put flowers on their father's grave. In this one, they're at the cemetery for their aunt's funeral. When they get there, though, the place is deserted. They're attacked by zombies, of course, and Johnny drives off and leaves Barbara to fend for herself. She runs and finds herself at the mortuary, which is run by Mr. Tovar. After finding a shit ton of dead bodies inside, and being attacked by even more zombies, Mr. Tovar kicks Barbara out. She runs some more, and is picked up by a guy on a motorcycle who takes her to a farmhouse and to safety. The farmhouse is owned by Mr. Cooper, and they're not growing vegetables at this farm. This is an updated version of the movie, so of course Barbara ends up at a pot farm. The family at the house are against calling the cops because, of course, they'd find their stash. So instead, they just tell Barbara she's crazy and try to calm her down. That is until the zombies show up at the house. Three people are bitten, then Barbara and Ben (motorcycle boy) escape.

The interesting part of this one is the explanation of why the dead are returning. Mr. Tovar is a bit of a whack job. His father died two years ago, he brought it back to life and keeps him tied up in his house. He's been busy for the past two years, bringing bodies that were supposed to be cremated back to life. Apparently he's afraid of fire, and he just couldn't bring himself to burn them. He feels like he's giving them a second chance; letting them be "reborn." He acts like they're his children and he loves them. So he's creating zombies just because he likes zombies, it seems like. Of course, zombies don't have emotions, so they don't give a shit that he created them. That's kind of interesting, and I think it would have been good in a different movie, rather than one that was trying to live up to a classic title. Since they slapped the Night of the Living Dead title on it, and called it a re-imagining, it was doomed to be compared to the original--and not positively. People just don't seem to realize that, if they remake a great movie like this, it's just not going to live up to it. As a remake, it's a piece of shit, honestly. As a movie on its own, it's just okay. So, classic title or not, it's really not that great of a movie. The acting was pretty bad, except on Sid Haig's part. He is always enjoyable. I will say that the effects were pretty decent, but that's really all it had going for it. What I was most upset about was the use of the famous line from the original. Everyone remembers, "They're coming to get you, Barbara!" This time, though, it was used via text message. If that isn't lame enough, they made it seem like Johnny was just telling Barbara that he was on his way to pick her up. The text message said "Coming 4 U Barb." I'm really glad her cell phone got smashed. This one gets a 3 point rating because I liked the whole crazy mortician thing. Other than that, this is garbage. Oh, and it was released in 3D. So, there were all sorts of gimmicks going on here, and none of them worked. So, what's my advice to the viewers? Skip it. My advice to film makers? Come up with your own ideas, assholes. Just because you say it's a re-imagining, not a remake, doesn't change the fact that you're re-using someone else's movie. You're playing off of something that's already been done. Sure, everyone takes inspiration from other people. But we don't all flat out take their ideas. So just stop. Write your own movies, create your own characters, and stop feeding off of other peoples' creativity. Use your imagination. Be a fucking film maker, instead of a recycling bin.

#162 -- House (2008)

Director: Robby Henson
Rating: 4/5

This was originally a book co-written by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker. It was published in 2006 as a Christian horror novel. Sounds kind of strange, but it was actually quite good. I'm not usually one for religious themed movies/books, but I enjoyed House. Thought it was themed on religion, it masked it a little bit and was able to be a true horror story. I enjoyed the book, and I thought that the movie was a pretty good adaptation. It starts off pretty cliched, but it changes quickly and becomes very unique. It takes place in rural Alabama, and we start with Jack and Stephanie, a trouble couple on their way to marriage counseling. They hit a snag in their trip, though, when they run into some scrap metal in the road. They are not the only ones; there is another abandoned car not far from theirs. Two of their tires are ruined and they, of course, only have one spare. Almost immediately, it begins to storm. They decide to go to try and find some help. They end up at a shady looking bed and breakfast with the folks from the other car. They are Randy and Leslie. The owners/workers of the bed and breakfast are nowhere to be found, so they take the liberty of checking themselves in. Once they're all acquainted with one another, the power goes out, and they meet with the creepy owners. It's Becky, Petey, and Stewart. See what I mean about it being really cliche? Troubled couple, check. Some southern backwoods, check. Car trouble, check. Storm, check. Creepy building with creepy residents, check. Power outage, check. It's typical horror movie formula, and we don't hate it. Not long after meeting Becky, Petey and Stewart, they notice a strange man outside. Becky and the others then begin to seal up the house, claiming that if he gets in, they're all "as good as dead." He's known as the Tin Man, and he's hell-bent on killing everyone in the house. He throws a tin can in through the window, and on it are written three rules. Rule #1: God came to my house, and I killed him. Rule #2: I will kill anyone who enters my house, just like I killed God. Rule #3: Give me one dead body before sunrise, and I'll let Rule #2 slide. So, there's their dilemma. They must kill someone if they want to survive.

That's an interesting enough story as it is, but there's more. The house is some kind of labyrinth, with endless corridors full of bad memories. The house knows everything about them: the mistakes they've made and the sins they've committed. The point is to make them realize their sins and atone for them. Becky and her family are no saints, either, and they're all in it with the Tin Man. Jack and Stephanie, Randy and Leslie: they all have something in common. They were all responsible for the death of someone close to them. They've sinned, and they must pay for it. The Tin Man made murderers out of them all, because they all wanted to kill each other in order to save themselves. In one of the corridors, Jack met with a mysterious little girl named Susan. It seemed like she was hiding just like them, but she has a secret that just might save them all.

There isn't a whole lot of gore in this one, but it does manage to be scary. I think the terror here is being faced with all the things you've done wrong, mistakes you've made that have cost you dearly. There's nothing worse than being faced with your deepest regrets. That, and the fact that there were four different people trying to kill everyone. There was talk of God, and references to darkness and light; good and evil. But even so, it didn't feel like a sermon. It just felt like a genuine horror movie. Naturally, if you want the full experience, you should read the book. But if books aren't your thing, then definitely check out the movie. It doesn't disappoint. Also, it stars Leslie Easterbrook and Bill Moseley from House of 1000 Corpses; and another guy who was apparently in The Devil's Rejects.

#161 -- Haunted High (2012)

Director: Jeffery Scott Lando
Rating: 3/5

Ah, the joys of Syfy original movies. My mom recommended this one to me. She said she thought I'd really like it, because it seemed like the kind of thing I enjoyed. But, uh, not really. It started off with a high school boy, Quentin, who had some kind of gold coins that once belonged to his grandfather. One of his teachers was extremely interested in these coins, and he stole one. Quentin's grandpa happened to have been the principal of the school back in the day, and he was also an occult leader. He was known for torturing and sacrificing students for evil things. His girlfriend helped him do this. When that certain teacher stole the coin, the ghosts of Grandpa and Girlfriend were unleashed. Once they were free, the set about killing everyone in the school. Quentin and another group of students were busy making preparations for the prom, and a couple of band members were staying late for practice. There was another group of students who had snuck in to hack the computers and change their bad grades. There were also three teachers and the librarian. So, there were plenty of opportunities for the ghosts to do their magic. There were a couple of semi-interesting thing I saw; one was the way the librarian was killed. The ghost lady turned the floor into soap or something, and the librarian sunk down into it. Once she was halfway down, she turned the floor back to normal, and it cut the woman in half. It's kind of weird, but it was kind of cool too. Another teacher was squashed behind the bleachers in the gym. There were some cool things going on, but for the most part, the movie was kind of lame. Grandpa's girlfriend was supposed to look scary, but she just looked silly. She looked like a sharp-tooth with a bad case of some STD.

It's pretty much what you would expect from a Syfy original. It wasn't amazing, but it was actually one of the better ones I've seen. It's not good compared to "normal" movies; but compared to other Syfy movies, it wasn't that bad. The story was pretty interesting, the problem was that it turned out silly.