9.20.2012

#178 -- Hide and Creep (2004)

Directors: Chuck Hartsell & Chance Shirley
Rating: 2 / 5

I watched this movie probably about five years ago, but I couldn't remember anything other than the naked guy ranting about UFOs and crying about his lost 1964 1/2 Mustang. I remembered that I didn't like it, though, and now I know why. I can sum up the entire film in three words: rednecks fight zombies. That's just about as deep as the story gets. We're not able to care about any of the characters, really. The only character I really felt anything toward was Chuck, the guy who owned Chuck's Super Video World. He was that "I don't give a shit" kind of guy, and he was pretty comical. After he killed the first zombie, the police department refused to help him out with his problem. So naturally, he dumped the body in their lobby with a sticky note on its forehead instructing them to call him. Oh, Chuck! Actually, the entire move was pretty comical. You've got your typical rednecks: gun club, huntin', fishin' and all that jazz. The president of the gun club should have won the parent of the year award for leaving his two young daughters home alone to fight off zombies. The girls were able to take care of themselves, the oldest having a rifle, and the youngest a machete twice as big as she was. They were fine, but that's not the point. Who the hell leaves their children when there's dead folks running around eating people? Dumb hicks, that's who. Look, I was born and raised in Georgia, so I know a thing or two about rednecks. They're not all bad, but some are just dumb as a sack of rocks. So Hide and Creep's portrayal of dumb rednecks is actually quite accurate. It's not only the rednecks, though; there are some plain 'ol southern folks in there too. But they're just as dumb. There was a scene with Mr. Gun Club president, where he was faced with a bar full of zombie strippers eating people. He shot the first, but the second was chowing down on an equally naked woman, and he was just far too aroused to shoot that sexy thang. Luckily, shortly afterwards, he discovered that zombies are afraid of the dark, and he was able to use that to his advantage. Wait, back up, did you just say zombies are afraid of the dark. That's right. Zombies are afraid of the dark. I guess you learn something new every day, right? I mean, it's not like I've ever seen zombies killing at night, so it's got to be true. Oh, and another thing I learned: alien anal probes are actually quite sexy.

Note reads: Dead guy! Call Chuck.
Though this movie was extremely stupid, it did have some good things going for it. Not many, but a few. One, I will say that the actors were actually pretty good. Chuck (played by Chuck Hartsell, who also directed) was the best of the bunch, in my opinion. Not everyone was great, but with the content of the movie, you'd be surprised at how talented the actors were. Second, it was silly. I'm not sure if it was silly in a good way, but it did make me laugh. You can take from that what you will, because I honestly don't know if I'm laughing at it or with it. The effects were horrible, though. These things could have been cannibals for all I knew. They had pale faces, with black rings around their eyes. Add in a little dyed corn syrup and BAM! Instant zombie. No. They didn't look like zombies at all. I know there wasn't a huge budget, but they could have done at least a little something more there. But this movie's biggest problem was that it was boring. Even though there were some funny moments, for the most part, it just failed to keep me interested. I actually fell asleep, then had to rewind it so that I could catch the ending. Spoiler alert: there wasn't really that much of an ending. It was one of those abrupt endings that I always hate. It did have some nice boob shots, though. So, if that's what you're looking for...you can probably find it somewhere else.

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