MMM Day 7: #340 -- Frankenthumb (2002)

Director: David Bourla
Rating: 4 / 5

As May Monster Madness draws to a close, I will leave you on a very light note. Today's movie was written by Steve Oedekerk, the same guy who brought us Kung Pow. I think it's pretty easy to tell that this movie is not one to be taken seriously. It's silly, and it's funny as hell. It's actually one of several in the Thumbs! series, which includes Bat Thumb, The Blair Thumb, Thumbtanic, Thumb Wars, and The GodThumb. The characters are all -- you guessed it -- thumbs!

So, we're all familiar with the story of Frankenstein, and this one's pretty much the same. A monster is created, it is cast out, it runs amok, and it's led to a lighthouse and torched. It's amazing how they can tell pretty much the exact same story in such a weird way. These characters aren't nearly as tragic as those in Frankenstein, nor are they quite as sophisticated. In fact, they're all just downright dumb. But dumb in such a fantastic way.

Pepper & Humpy

Dr. Frankenthumb's assistant is not named Fritz, or Igor, as we've grown accustomed to. He is a hunchbacked thing named Humpy. Yes, Humpy. And the Monster actually has a name here! His name is Pepper, because he spiced up Dr. Frankenthumb's life. He's pretty mean to begin with, and he definitely doesn't like Pepper at all. Or small animals. But once his daddy casts him out, he starts to feel bad and becomes a very comical version of the creature that I love. Sad and lonely. I think my favorite part in the movie is when one of the angry mob finds a lighter, and he gets the shit beat out of him for it. An angry mob just wouldn't be the same without the torches, I guess. Either that, or the extremely weird ending, in which Bat Thumb himself makes an appearance.

The way that the characters speak, and their facial expressions are absolutely hilarious. They're over-the-top and stupid as hell, but it works. There are plenty of things going on here that don't make a lot of sense -- like the random cyclops that appears in the mob -- but it's all the more fantastic because of them. It, like Kung Pow, thrives on the things that don't make sense. Because they're nonsensical in a way that makes them hilarious. Again, not a movie to be taken seriously, and I would hope that no one would. If so, there's something seriously wrong. The story of Frankenstein is one that I have always loved, and I have no problem with poking fun at it. It's a light-hearted good time; you'll laugh and you might lose a few brain cells, but hey! We don't need all of those anyway, right?

Note: If you find the link in The Trailer Park for this one, it's actually a link to the full movie, if you're interested.

Well, the madness is over, guys. I had fun, and I hope you guys did too.

MMM Day 6: #339 -- The Thing (1982)

Director: John Carpenter
Rating: 3 / 5

This is actually the first time I've seen this movie. I'd heard great things about it, and I knew that a lot of people loved it. The idea was intriguing, so it was definitely on my watch list. I thought it was going to be a masterpiece, but I was disappointed with it for a couple of reasons.

Synopsis: A group of explorers in Antarctica come across an Alien being that is able to take the form of whoever or whatever it wishes. We follow their collective mental breakdown as they try to figure out who they can trust, and whose body has been overtaken by The Thing.

And...that's pretty much it. It started off with some Norwegians in a helicopter trying to shoot a beautiful Husky dog. Right off the bat, I was pissed; I was more worried about that dog in those couple of minutes than I was about anything else throughout the rest of the movie. Of course, the dog had been "possessed," and it actually would have been really helpful if those people had been able to shoot it. The group that the movie follows killed the Norwegians, and The Thing infiltrated their camp. They took the dog in, after saving it, and put it in a kennel with a bunch of other dogs. Apparently they had a hobby of rescuing wild dogs. Immediately, the dog began to attack the other dogs an adopt their appearances. The group learned from some research that it would keep on doing this until all other life forms -- threats to its life-- were eliminated. Most of the movie consisted of each person losing their trust in the rest. They didn't know who they could trust, until they figured out a way to test their blood for The Thing's presence. So, it was a bunch of accusations and not a lot of action.

Where there was action, though -- oh boy, that was some fucked up shit. I can't even describe what The Thing looked like, but it was pretty gnarly. It was nasty in a I-think-I'm-gonna-puke sort of way, and the effects were wonderful. The problem was that there wasn't much for me to care about. There were a lot of people in the camp, and none of them were very developed. At least, not in a way that I could get behind. None of them seemed to care about each other, they didn't really have any memorable characteristics, and I have a hard time even remembering their names. After all was said and done, the movie ended on a fairly calm way that kind of felt incomplete All that being said, I did enjoy the movie. The story was unique and, again, the monster was fucking incredible.

I'm feeling kind of weird at this point. There are several movies that are loved by many; and most of those I find somewhat boring. I think this would have been a lot better if the creature had been on screen more often, because that was definitely the best part. It was so great that it's a total shame that it was hidden for so long. I get that it was hidden inside the explorers, and it was part of the story; but I'm sure they could have figured something out. Really, that's the biggest problem that I have with it. Otherwise, it's definitely entertaining.

MMM Day 5: #338 -- Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

Director: Francis Ford Coppola
Rating: 3 / 5

I wanted to include Dracula in this week's monster madness, but I already reviewed the 1931 movie a while ago. I found this on demand, and I jumped on it. I've gone against everything I believe in. I have now seen two Dracula movies, and I haven't read the book. The shame!

I love Bela Lugosi as Dracula. To me, he is Dracula, and he always will be. This variation on the Count was interesting, to say the least. I thought Gary Oldman did a good job with the role, and the character was definitely creepy and different. But I just couldn't let myself believe that it was Dracula. He was a monster out of a child's nightmare. He could transform his looks at the blink of an eye -- from young to old, from human-like to werewolf to giant bat-creature. I'm familiar with vampires being able to transform into other beasts, but...the way I like it, they turn into regular bats and wolves. It seems more natural that way, if that makes any sense. The reason that I love Bela's Dracula is because he is natural. He was a monster disguised as a human; very sophisticated and romantic. This Dracula tried to be those things, but I just didn't feel it like I did with Bela. He lived in an enormous castle in Transylvania, he wore extravagant clothing, and he spoke with eloquence. But it just wasn't the same.

The love story at play here felt more like Romeo and Juliet than anything. In the beginning, we see Dracula with his lover, Elisabeta. Assuming (for reasons I didn't catch) that Dracula was dead, she took her own life. Dracula then stabbed a cross, from which gallons of blood spewed, and somehow turned himself into a vampire, swearing that he would avenge her death one day. How you can avenge someone's suicide is beyond me. Jump to the 1800s, and the story picks up in familiar territory. Jonathan Harker traveling to Transylvania to meet with the Count with real estate business. He ended up seduced and held captive by Dracula's three brides, while the Count went to London to seduce Jonathan's wife-to-be, Mina. Even though she barely knew him, and was apparently deeply in love with Jonathan not long before, she fell in love with Dracula. She married Jonathan anyway, even though she knew that she wanted someone else. Then she let Dracula transform her, and tried to protect him as Jonathan, Van Helsing, and some other people set out to kill him.

It sounds good, now that I write it out. And I guess the story is pretty good, it just wasn't executed in a way that I could get behind. The love story wasn't developed quite enough, and I couldn't feel the love that they supposedly felt for one another (neither Mina and Jonathan's, nor Mina and Dracula's). It didn't leave a mark. That love story is actually the only part of the movie that I was able to follow, since that was the main plot point going on here. The rest could have been cut out and I wouldn't feel any differently. I felt like I just couldn't follow the movie. Every couple of minutes, I felt like it had skipped and that I'd missed something. I just didn't get it. Though I did like Gary Oldman somewhat, the rest of the characters just didn't sit well with me. His was the only one that was actually developed; the rest were dull and forgettable.

Visually, the movie was great. I loved the atmosphere at work, and the cinematography looked good. The special effects were also striking, and it felt like a gothic fairy tale. A low budget movie with no effects or fancy camera work can still be a great movie if it has a great story to back it up. But a movie with all the technology to its disposal will still fail if the story is lacking that special something. That is the case with Bram Stoker's Dracula. Again, I haven't read the book; but those who have say that this is an awful adaptation. I'm not sure how the 1931 movie holds up for those people. But for me, sixty years, a lot of money and fancy equipment did not make a better movie.

MMM Day 4: #337 -- Monster from a Prehistoric Planet (1967)

Director: Haruyasu Noguchi
Rating: 3 / 5

First off, this title is a little bit misleading. Don't be fooled the way I was. I thought there was going to be some time and/or space travel going on here, and that we'd be dealing with some dinosaurs or something. But that's not the case. The "prehistoric planet" is an island...On Earth, in Japan. The original Japanese title translates to "The Giant Beast, Gappa," or something along those lines, and that makes a lot more sense. I guess they figured "Monster from a Prehistoric Planet" sounded cooler. Well, it definitely roped me in. That's not to say that it's a bad movie, but I was ready for some T-Rex action, and I didn't get it.

Synopsis: A group of explorers travel to said island to locate some exotic animals for their company's upcoming tourist attraction: an island/park called Playmate Land. They meet island natives who worship a god called Gappa that resides in a forbidden part of the island. Intrigued, the explorers venture into this forbidden area and discover an egg. The egg hatches, and out comes a baby lizard. They take the baby back home for research, and to get it ready for the park's opening. But that made Mama and Daddy Gappa very angry, and they went a'searching for their baby.

So, what exactly is a Gappa? To me, it looked like a giant pigeon with a tail. That could breathe fire. Since it was a bird-lizard, it had great homing abilities, and Mama and Daddy found their baby easily. Since this was a great discovery, the scientists/money-hungry-executives were all over it. So, when Mama and Daddy showed up and started tearing the city apart trying to find their baby, they refused to believe the solution was as simple as giving the thing back. Or rather, they just refused to give it back, because they'd lose money. They succeeded in scaring the two away for a while, and they retreated to the waters. Then, the idiots lured the things back up, thinking that they'd be able to kill them this time. When they were unable to obliterate the things, they finally decided to give the baby back.

At times, I found the movie hard to follow, because I felt like it jumped around a lot. Maybe it's just me. But I was still able to get the gist of things. Stupid people do stupid things, and Japan is destroyed -- as it often is. I liked the Gappa monster, though. It was definitely comical, and it reminded me of something I'd see on an old episode of The Power Rangers. I kept waiting for Megazord to swoop in and save the day. Despite the fact that there were no dinosaurs, or time travel like I expected, I still found it entertaining.

MMM Day 3: #336 -- Leprechaun (1993)

Director: Mark Jones
Rating: 4 / 5

When we're children, we're taught that Leprechauns are cute little things who can bring great luck. Everyone knows the story, at least a little bit. Leprechauns were the protectors of treasure, and they took their jobs very seriously. There are two things that I've always heard about these little guys. One, that if you can catch a leprechaun, he'll grant you a wish. Like a little Irish genie. The second is that, if you catch him, you can convince him to show you where his treasure is hidden. You can imagine that losing the thing that they are sworn to protect must be very devastating. Sometimes, maybe, it might make them very angry. Angry enough to kill in order to get it back.

That's what happened here. A man named Dan O'Grady, after travelling to Ireland to bury his grandmother, returned home with a sack full of gold. He told his wife that he caught a leprechaun, and the leprechaun revealed his hidden treasure to him. O'Grady planned to move out of his house with his new-found fortune, but of course, his wife didn't believe a word he said. Until the little guy showed up and killed her, that is. He managed to imprison the Leprechaun, and O'Grady ended up in a retirement home, probably completely off his rocker after what happened, and a man and his daughter moved into his old house.

Once they move into the house, Tory and her father meet the Three Men Who Paint, brothers hired to fix the house up. They are Ozzy, Alex, and Nathan. Nathan is the cute, hunky one; Alex, the little boy with a potty mouth; and Ozzy, the man who isn't "all there" and acts like a child himself. Ozzy accidentally let the Leprechaun out of its prison, not long before he and Alex discovered the sack full of gold. They hid it in a well, and the Leprechaun went about trying to find it. This little guy was severely angry, and all he wanted was his gold back. But these two kids didn't dare give up there secret, until it was almost too late.

I was just three years old when this movie first came out. I'm not sure when I saw it for the first time, but I've loved this little guy for as long as I can remember. He's cute, in a monstrous sort of way; he's vicious, and just downright funny. Leprechauns are supposed to be these cute little men who like to cause harmless mischief; not this little devil who likes to kill anyone who gets in his way. It's just like a killer Santa: it's just not right. But at the same time, it's hard to be scared of this guy because he's so darn cute and funny. That's not to say that he doesn't do some horrible things, because he certainly does. In this one, he actually killed a man with a pogo stick. Just jumped up and down right on the guy's chest. It's comical, sure, but just imagine! That had to hurt. As far as I can remember, he's always had unique and entertaining kills, which is one of the reasons that I love him.

Give me back me gold!

So, once the Leprechaun gets his gold back, will he stop tormenting the ones who took it? Well, if they haven't spent it, or eaten it (like Ozzy did...), I suppose he would. But that rarely happens; people who come into that sort of money will usually spend it pretty quickly. A lot of the times, people will give him back a portion, thinking that he won't notice if they keep just a little bit -- which is far from true. He knows exactly how much he's supposed to have, and he's not going to let you off easy. Even if you do think it's just a little bit. So, it's usually just one attempt after another, until everyone is dead and he can get every little bit of his gold back.

Now, is the movie perfect? No, of course not. The effects aren't the best I've ever seen, but they're far from the worst. But that's really the only thing going against it, and I can live with that. Jennifer Aniston plays Tory, and she must be good since she's come so far since then. I loved Ozzy and Alex the most, though. They worked really well together, and I loved both of those characters. Ozzy, the big teddy bear; and Alex, the cute little potty mouth ("Fuck you, Lucky Charms!" ha!) The story is great, I think, even if it is a little silly. If you take a look at the mythology of Leprechauns, though, it really isn't all that farfetched. It does make sense; it's just not something we're used to seeing. Perfect? No. Entertaining? Hell yes! I mean...it's a killer Leprechaun for crying out loud. How could you not love it?

MMM Day 2: #335 -- The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

Director: James Whale
Rating: 5 / 5

I first saw this many years ago and, even though I didn't remember everything about it, I did remember that it was very sad. The first one was sad in how misunderstood The Monster was; but this one is on another level entirely. It really tugged at my heartsrings, and actually brought tears to my eyes. The Monster definitely proved himself a very tragic character here, as if there was any doubt. This, along with the first, doesn't exactly feel like a horror movie to me. Sure, there are mad scientists, and the monster that came from their experiments, and all that good stuff. But The Monster isn't the villain at all. The townspeople are the real monsters here, because they refuse to even try to understand him. They see something different, they don't understand it, and so they attack it. They're bullies. If they'd taken the time to get to know him, they'd realize that he meant no harm to anyone. It's a tragic, dramatic love story...with monsters. The best kind!

So, at the end of the first movie, we saw the angry mob chase Henry and his Monster to a windmill and try to kill them with fire. They thought they were successful, but they, of course, were not. Henry was injured, but The Monster was only plagued with anger. At first, it seemed like he'd changed; like he was so angry that he didn't even care anymore, because he was attacking people for no reason. But then I realized that these were the people that had chased him there and set fire to him. He wanted revenge. Once he got away from those people, he changed back into the big teddy bear that I've always loved. He actually made a friend in this one: a lonely, blind musician. He was drawn to the man because of his music, and the man was extremely kind to him. He was blind to his "hideous" features, but he wasn't blind to his sweet nature. The man took care of him, fed him, gave him wine and cigars, and even taught him how to speak. At one point, The Monster began to cry, because he'd finally found a friend. But of course, all good things must come to an end. A couple of hunters wandered by and tried to attack The Monster. Afraid, he thrashed about and ended up setting fire to the old man's shack. Fortunately, the hunters had gotten the old man out before the fire consumed everything.

Meanwhile, back at the Frankenstein Castle, Henry was recovering, and he and Elizabeth finally got married. He was visited by Dr. Pretorious, a man with his own plan. He was able to create these little miniature people in glass bottles, and he said that he grew them himself, rather than creating them from dead parts. How he did this, I have no idea, but it was definitely interesting. What he wanted to do was combine their separate brands of genius to create another creature: a bride for The Monster. Henry wanted no part of it, however. He resisted, until Pretorious brought The Monster to his house and kidnapped Elizabeth. So, Henry agreed in order to get his girl back. It was successful, and the bride was born. But she, like everyone else, was terrified of The Monster. Heartbroken, The Monster decided that he no longer wished to live, and he planned on taking his new Bride, as well as Dr. Pretorious down with him. He actually let Henry and Elizabeth leave, though I don't really understand why. I feel like he was angry with Henry for creating and then abandoning him. The only explanation that I can come up with is this: The Monster knew that they were in love, something he wished desperately to feel, and he thought that they should be able to enjoy that for as long as possible. He's a monster, sure, but he's a compassionate soul. I've always preferred this one to the first, probably because, even though I'm a horror lover, I'm also a sucker for a good love story. This one is tragic, but it's still a love story. It evoked emotions within me that I've been through in my life: abandonment, loneliness, and misunderstanding.

In the first movie, Boris Karloff's name wasn't included in the credits. Where it should have been, there was a question mark instead. Here, he's credited as just Karloff. At the end of the credits, it says: "The monster's mate: ?" So, they stuck with that little tactic, which I found to be really cool in the first movie. Of course, now we know that The Bride was Elsa Lanchester (who also played Mary Shelley, which I have just now realized), but I just think it's an awesome scare tactic. I think more movies should do this; it adds some mystery.

May Monster Madness Day 1 -- Monster Spotlight: Zombies

So, May Monster Madness is finally here. I feel like I'm late, but it cannot be helped. I work the night shift, so the only time I have to write is during the day. I actually did try to watch a movie, but exhaustion took over and I kept falling asleep every five or ten minutes. So, that's out of the question, sadly. Instead, my first day is going to be a simple one. I did Monster Spotlight once before, and never did find the will to do it again. I guess now is the perfect time, and I'm going to focus on my favorite of all horror movie monsters: zombies! From here on out, I will be reviewing monster movies, but for now, let's talk about some of those awesome undead creatures. These are my favorite zombies.

Fat Santa Zombie from Silent Night, Zombie Night

I watched Silent Night Zombie Night for Creepmas last year, and I was really disappointed by it. That being said, one of the zombies left a mark on me. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I thought he was so awesome. He looks like he just ate one too many Christmas pies or something. He was most definitely the best part about that movie.

Zombie Baby from Dead Alive

This is an entirely different story, however. I loved Dead Alive. It was cheesy, it was gory, and just all around a good time. This little guy is what happens when two zombies make love. If a zombie love scene isn't awesome enough, add in a little zombie child chewing its way out of its mother. And he's just so gosh-darn cute, don't you think? The first thing I thought when I saw him was, "This is what mine and Jason's baby will look like." Jason Voorhees is my future husband, and I see him in pretty much everything. I do honestly believe this is what our child is going to look like. So, that's reason enough for me to love him. Rock on, Jason Jr.!

Cemetery Zombie from Night of the Living Dead

There were plenty of great zombies in this classic movie, but this is the one that stuck with me. His is one of the first faces you see in the movie, and he is precisely what was "coming" for Barbara. He is a part of one of the most known and quoted scenes in horror, and I love him for it. I love all the other zombies in the movie as well; especially the way their heads sounded when they were hit by hammers. Great stuff.

Julie from Return of the Living Dead 3

I'm sure there are quite a few people out there who were confused by Julie. Is she something that I want to run away from; or do I want to jump her bones? She was sexy as hell, and I personally consider her a sex symbol. I don't care if she was dead or not. Not only was she a bombshell, but she was also a badass. She was not one to be fucked with, even though that's precisely what I'd like to do with her. I'd just have to steer clear of all the glass/springs/wires pierced into her body.

"I can feel myself rot" zombie from Return of the Living Dead

What I love about this gal is that she was the first talking zombie that I'd ever seen. She might even be the first talking zombie ever; I'm not sure. She explained exactly why she and her zombie friends had to eat brains, and she succeeded in making me feel bad for them. She was such a sad lady.

"Send more paramedics" zombie from Return of the Living Dead

Most of my favorite zombie characters do come from the ROTLD series, because...well, those movies rock. I just love this guy, because that was one of my favorite scenes in the movie; and it's one of my favorite horror quotes ever. It was just so funny. The words themselves are funny, but the way he said it made it even better. It was like he was ordering Chinese food. 

The zombie chickens from Poultrygeist

There's nothing quite like zombie chickens, especially ones that people feel inclined to sing about. This movie is one of my absolute favorites. It had everything going for it, and the zombies were fantastic. I mean...angry Native American spirits trapped in frozen chickens that have come to life. What could be better?

Tarman from Return of the Living Dead

Ahh, Tarman. We all love you. Not only does he look awesome, but he was pretty darn scary, especially when he showed up out of nowhere, dripping his goo everywhere. Besides, he's the reason that all those cute graphics say "Brainssss!" in their thought bubbles rather than "Any body part I can get ahold of!" Or "Flesh!" Neither of which have quite the same ring to them. 

So, those are my favorite zombies. I think it's pretty easy to tell what my favorite zombie movie is, huh? Who are your favorite zombies? Anyone I left out? 

Oh, and enjoy these other wonderful Monster-related posts!