#249 -- 13 Days of Creepmas Day 3: Christmas Season Massacre (2001)

Rating: 1 / 5
Director: Jeremy Wallace

Everyone who knows me knows that I love a good bad horror movie. But even I have to draw the line somewhere. The third day of Creepmas brings us this Christmas themed horror movie that is just plain bad. What drew me to it was the title. I thought it might be some good, silly fun. But I was wrong. The story is okay, but the movie is just downright terrible in almost every way imaginable.

It's about a guy named Tommy "Oneshoe" McGroo. Let me tell you a little something about Tommy's past, and this is the part that I think is actually good. In high school, Tommy was extremely unpopular. He was a poor kid who dressed badly and smelled funny. So all the other kids picked on him. One day, Tommy was kicked in the balls, and he had one of his shoes stolen. Since he was so poor, he wasn't able to get another shoe. Hence the nickname, "Oneshoe." Christmas wasn't far away, so he started writing letters to Santa, begging for another shoe. But, Santa's not real, of course. His parents knew he was a fan of pirates, so instead of getting a new shoe for Christmas, he got an eye patch with a bedazzled Christmas tree on it. So outraged by this terrible present, Tommy began killing people. Every Christmas after that, he celebrated by killing the classmates that humiliated him.

And that's where it stops being good. Tommy is not even the least bit frightening. He wears cut-off jeans, a wife-beater, a bandana, his eye patch, and of course, only one shoe. The movie followed a group of Tommy's classmates. They decided to hang out where they thought Tommy took his victims, wait for him, and take him out before he could kill anyone else. But the problem was that they were even stupider than Tommy. So, the Christmas massacre began.

The Good: Let's take a look at what was actually good about the movie. As I already said, I liked Tommy's back-story. It was sad, and everyone knows I love a sympathetic killer. I felt bad for the guy. Until I saw him, that is. I will also say that the gore effects were pretty damn good. Not in the "they were good for such a shitty movie," kind of way. I was genuinely impressed by them.

The Bad: Yes, those are the only good things about the movie. Now let's get to the bad. We've already established that the killer looked stupid and wasn't scary at all. The victims were a bunch of brainless idiots. They were grown ass people who acted like children, and one still even dressed like a ten year-old. There was absolutely no way to care about any of them, and I found myself wishing they'd all just die so the movie would be over with. The actors were horrible, the dialogue was awful and uninteresting. The characters' actions made no sense--like someone who can't hear a running chainsaw coming up behind them, but they can hear a twig snapping loud enough to shit their pants. Stupid. The setting of the movie also made no sense. It's supposed to be a Christmas movie, right? Well, it does take place on Christmas Even, but it's in a place called Christmastown, California. Ugh. So the sun was shining bright, the victims were hanging out at a freaking lake, riding on boats and swimming, so there was no Christmas feel to it at all. The only thing that can remotely remind you of Christmas is the jingle bells sound effect whenever Tommy struck. That's it. SPOILERS AHEAD! The ending was stupid, and it also made no sense. Everyone died, and Tommy ended up with a wife and a kid, even though he had a spike sticking out of his forehead and shouldn't have been alive at all. Sure, if he was a super-human killer like Jason or Michael, but that was never even hinted at. He was just a freak who wandered off into the woods and was never seen again. A spike to the brain should have definitely killed him. But no, he just left it in there while he was hanging out around his own Christmas tree with his new family. And why the hell would she marry a bloody man with a freaking spike in his face? Especially after he murdered her husband, and raped her to make their son...Makes no sense.

So Christmas Season Massacre is a shitty movie that makes absolutely no sense. It has very little to do with Christmas at all, and you should all steer clear of it. Day three of Creepmas turned out pretty badly for me. I hope all the rest of you are having better luck.

I'm a CREEP for The 13 Days of CREEPMAS

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