#290 -- Quicksilver Highway (1997)

Director: Mick Garris
Rating: 3 / 5

I know you're looking at that poster, and all the names that are plastered on it, and I know what you're thinking. But stop right now, because Quicksilver Highway isn't at all what you're thinking it is. I saw it years ago, without having known anything about it or the people behind it, and I thought it was just okay. Now that I do know, I'm a little bit shocked by it.

Christopher Lloyd plays Aaron Quicksilver, a travelling  man who collects odd stories and things. He likes to tell these stories to whoever he meets on his travels, whether they want to hear them or not. The first person he meets is a new bride having some car troubles. Her new husband has gone for help, leaving her all alone. Mr. Quicksilver shows up to keep her company, invites her into his luxurious camper, and tells her one very strange story, indeed. He then meets a pickpocket at a local carnival, when he dips into Quicksilver's oddities tent, and he tells him yet another weird story. The stories that he tells seem to have no point or moral, but he assures his audience that there's always a moral to be found if you're willing to look for it.

Quicksilver's first story was about a travelling salesman named Bill. Trying to make his way home through a terrible storm, Bill stopped at a little roadside store for gas and snacks. He picked up a pair of chattery teeth to give his son for his birthday, and he also picked up a hitchhiker named Bryan. Bryan seemed okay to begin with, even though you can be almost certain that his name wasn't Bryan at all. After a little while, though, Bryan pulled a knife on Bill and tried to steal his van. Instead of letting Bryan get away with it, Bill decided to crash the van. The teeth then killed Bryan and chewed Bill out of his seat-belt  so that he could get out of the overturned van. The teeth also disposed of Bryan's body.

The second story was about a plastic surgeon, Dr. Charles George. Being in a profession that relies greatly on his hands, it would be a horrible thing if anything were to happen to them. Well, one day, Charlie's hands developed a mind of their own. They began to make him do things that were out of his control - like causing him to drive into oncoming traffic. The hands would talk to each other while Charlie was asleep, planning their freedom, and also planning to raise an army and start a revolution. So, they picked a night, killed Charlie's wife, and one of them freed the other by chopping it off with a butcher knife. Charlie was admitted to the hospital, where his severed hand followed him and convinced all the other hands to join the revolution.

There are a lot of great people involved with this movie. First of all, it was directed by Mick Garris, who was a part of the Masters of Horror, and has also directed quite a few Stephen King adaptations. The two stories Quicksilver had to tell were based on short stories written by Stephen King and Clive Barker. These are three guys who are masters in the art of horror. Add to that the actors bringing life to the characters. Christopher Lloyd was great, as usual. Silas Mitchell played "Bryan" the killer hitchhiker. Raphael Sbarge was Bill the travelling salesman, and Matt Frewer played Dr. George, a performance that seriously reminded me of Jim Carrey. With all the people involved in this movie, mostly the first three I mentioned, I feel like it should have been a lot better than it was. It could have been everything horror is meant to be. But it just wasn't. Honestly, to me, it felt...weird. I am extremely familiar with the work of Mr. King, and slightly familiar with Clive Barker, and I know that they are able to bring life to stories where others would fail miserably. I haven't read the stories on which these shorts were based, but I feel certain that they are stories that can only be told by those who told them originally. Chattery Teeth looked silly, and Body Politic (the killer hands) was absolutely comical. I'm not sure if this was the point entirely. It wasn't altogether bad, but again, it just felt weird. These stories felt like things that this crazy guy, Quicksilver, made up to freak some people out, rather than things that actually happened. Chattery Teeth, the one written by Stephen King, was taken from his book Nightmares and Dreamscapes. I've got the book sitting next to me as I write this, ready to read and compare, but I'm certain that it will be nothing short of amazing.

Quicksilver Highway is a strange movie that was possibly meant to frighten, but it was most likely meant to simply entertain, as it comes across more comical than anything.

#278 -- V/H/S (2012)

Directors: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, David Bruckner, Tyler Gillett, Justin Martinez, Glenn McQuaid, Radio Silence, Joe Swanberg, Chad Villella, Ti West, Adam Wingard

Rating: 3 / 5

Okay, so I'd wanted to see this for quite some time. I'd heard some good things about it, and what I knew about it seemed interesting. What I heard was something about a killer who only showed up on tape, or something like that, but that wasn't even right. Maybe I was mistaken. What it is, really, is a found footage anthology. See, I didn't know that. If I had, I probably wouldn't have jumped on it so quickly. But at the same time, I'm kind of glad that I didn't know, because I'm happy that I watched it. I've never been a fan of found footage movies. They really get on my nerves. I've only seen a couple, and that's because the idea of it is so entirely shitty to me. I absolutely hate Blair Witch; Quarantine was okay. And then there's V/H/S. Out  of the three that I have now seen, I'd say this one is the best, even though it makes the least amount of sense. I get that it's an anthology (even though it took me a minute to figure that out), and that means that naturally, there's not just one solid story; there's a bunch of them. That's cool. I like anthologies. The problem is that I like my anthologies to make a little sense, and for the wraparound story (if there is one) to at least mean something.

So let me break this down for you. The movie starts off showing us a group of guys who like to tape crimes that they commit. They mug girls and take their clothes off, and they break into abandoned houses to destroy them. Really immature stuff, but still pretty bad. Apparently one of them knows someone who can give them a lot of money to go to some guy's house and steal a video tape. They jump on the opportunity, and of course, they have to tape their adventures. When they arrive at the house, the old man who lives there is dead, and they have no idea what they're looking for. They do find a shitload of VHS tapes, but they're not sure which one it is that this mysterious guy wants. So they start watching them. This is where the other stories come in. They're all horrible and weird things that people have video taped over the years, and they're  honestly pretty wicked.

One is about some guys with some video recorder glasses who decide to make a porno. They pick up a couple girls at a bar and take them back to a hotel room for some drunken fun. The girls, of course, don't know that they're being recorded. The first girl, who was hot and skanky and really drunk, passed out. So they went on to the second girl, who was really weird. She really liked the camera man, though, because that's pretty much all she said the entire time. "I like you." She was genuinely creepy to begin with, but once she started eating people and turned into some kind of winged demon, shit got intense.

There are stories about ghosts, demons, and just plain 'ol killers. And, of course, the one about the mysterious killer who either only shows up on tape or can't be recorded. I couldn't really tell which way they were trying to go with it. But it looked cool.

Then there's the wraparound story. I get that these guys were looking for some tape. They were told that they'd know which one it was when they saw it, so I get that they had to watch all of them to figure it out. All that makes sense. But I don't get the dead old guy in the chair that was sitting behind them while they were watching them. I don't get why only one of them could watch a tape at a time, or why they each disappeared after they watched something. It never clarified on that part. Then the old guy disappeared from the chair and ended up chasing one of them around the house. I didn't get that either, and that's where it ended. No explanation, no resolution. Just, BAM! He wasn't dead after all (or maybe he was?), and now he wants to kill you. But why? That's where my problem started, and I'm just glad it waited until the very end to disappoint me. There's no point to the entire movie. Sure, everything's cool and creepy, and some parts of it kind of freaked me out. But at the end, there was just no point to any of it. The wraparound story was pointless, since it didn't bring the separate stories together like it should, and it didn't have a proper ending.

"I like you..."

I will say, though, that V/H/S succeeded at what all found footage films set out to do: to make things more believable. I was completely engaged throughout the entire movie, even though I was kind of confused at times. Things definitely did seem natural to me, and some of the segments were pretty scary. The actors did a good job at looking like they weren't acting at all, and the gore, where present, was pretty amazing. Overall, it's a pretty great movie, considering it uses a method that I despise. But in the end, it's severely disappointing in its failure to have an ending. I didn't feel like I wasted my time completely, but it did feel like sort of a waste. They had so much potential, they built up this great story and let it die out in the end. I expected something like The Ring. You know,watch the video and die. But it never offered any explanation to anything, which made the movie fall flat for me.

Even though I was disappointed by it, I would still definitely recommend it. Don't go into it expecting a fully structured story, because you're not going to get it. I would recommend it based only on the separate segments. They were interesting and spooky, sometimes downright scary, and they're definitely worth it. You'll be disappointed when the ending (or lack thereof) completely sneaks up on you, but you'll like the rest. I did, at least.

#190 -- Three...Extremes (2004)

Rating: 4 / 5
Directors: Fruit Chan, Park Chan-Wook, Takashi Miike

It'll be no surprise that I enjoyed this movie. I've yet to find an Asian horror movie that I didn't like, and this is no different. It's a nice little anthology, with three thirty-minute (ish) short films from different regions that will frighten and disturb. The last of the three is called Box, and was directed by Takashi Miike. I think every horror fan knows his name, and it's no wonder why. He directed one of my favorite movies of all time (One Missed Call) as well as Ichi the Killer, and Master's of Horror episode Imprint.The other directors I had not heard of before, but they seem pretty promising. While most Asian horror is terrifying, this one seems to just aim for disturbing. And it does not fail to deliver. These shorts will make you question morality, humanity, and sanity. The first you'll feel bad for enjoying, the second you'll feel bad for relating to, and the third....you'll just feel bad. I think I can now honestly say that Takashi Miike is one of my favorite directors, and I'm looking forward to checking out some more from Fruit Chan and Park Chan-Wook.

Dumplings--This one comes from China. An ex-actress, Mrs. Li, with an unfaithful husband is feeling pretty lousy about herself. She's getting older, her skin is starting to sag, and she just doesn't feel beautiful anymore. She feels that, if she looked the way she did when she was on television, it will save her marriage and make her husband love her again. Mrs. Li seeks out a woman called Aunt Mei, who is rumored to make the best dumplings in town. They're expensive, but they're well worth the price. These dumplings are supposed to rejuvenate and restore youth and beauty. Aunt Mei says that she is her best advertisement, as she is much older than she looks. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, the problem is with the ingredients used to make the dumplings: aborted fetuses. Most of the fetuses are girls, because, as Aunt Mei says herself, boys are never aborted in China. So imagine both Mrs. Li and Aunt Mei's excitement when a young girl, carrying her own father's child, seeks out Aunt Mei for the abortion of her son. Only that's not enough for Mrs. Li. When she discovers she is pregnant, she figures that her own child would provide more nourishment and rejuvenation than someone else's, and she will stop at nothing to remain young and beautiful.

Dumplings is actually available as a full length movie, as well, and I believe it is available on Netflix if you're interested. I am definitely interested, because I understand that it's a lot more complicated than this shorter version. It goes deeper into Mrs. Lei's background, and it has an alternative ending that sounds much more disturbing than the one they went with here.

Cut--From South Korea--A brilliant director finds himself in a sticky situation when an extra from his movies abducts him and his wife. This guy is angry because, even though he's been in all of his movies, the director cannot remember him. This kid grew up poor with a bastard for a father, and he turned into a bastard himself. But the director grew up rich, stayed rich, and he's a good man. He's jealous, and he doesn't think it's fair that this man should have everything. So he's seeking to prove that the director isn't as good a man as he seems. He wants a confession: a confession of some kind of sin that will prove to him that this man is not perfect. He has him tied up and rigged to something (it never really went into what it was, or what it could do), and he had his wife's arms tied up and glued to her piano. Every once in a while he would cut off one of her fingers, which is devastating for a pianist. There was also a child tied up in the room with them. The director was to kill the child if he wanted to save his and his wife's lives. Some dark-ish secrets did come out, but they really weren't all that bad. The ending kind of confused me--I wasn't sure if the director had gone crazy, or if things just weren't as they seemed at first. But I still enjoyed this one too.

Box--From Japan--This one is definitely filmed beautifully, and it looks better than the rest. It's about a young novelist named Kyoko. When she was a child, she and her sister Shoko were a part of a little circus act. They were contortionists, and they would curl up into the little boxes, their partner (an older man) would lock the boxes up and re-open them only to find big bouquets of flowers. The girls were equally good at what they did, but Shoko got all the recognition and rewards for it. Kyoko was jealous. One night, she locked Shoko up in one of the boxes. I think she planned to pretend to be her sister for a while, just to see how the recognition felt. But their partner showed up, and there was a struggle that ended in a fire. Shoko was stuck in the box, and she died that night. Now, all grown up, Kyoko has nightmares about being locked in a tiny box and buried. At some points, it's hard to tell if it's a dream, or if her worst nightmares are coming true. While this one is beautiful, and directed by Mr. Miike, I wouldn't say it's the best of the three.

To me, Dumplings was the best of the bunch. It was the most disturbing to me, and it really made me question things. First of all, I am 100% against abortion, so it was disturbing right from the get-go. But to think of someone actually devouring aborted fetuses? There can't be anything worse. And the fact that she did it for the vainest of reasons just really irked me. And then she ate her own child to boot. So this one was definitely the most disturbing. We know that there are people out there who are obsessed with their image, so it wouldn't be very hard for me to imagine someone actually doing something like this. I think that makes it even more disturbing, if that were possible.

Overall, this was a very enjoyable anthology, with three wonderful short films directed by some very talented men.

#175 -- Nightmare Alley (2010)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Scarlet Fry

I had been eyeballing this one on Netflix for some time, though now I can't really come up with an excuse as to why I was interested in it. Just wishful thinking, I guess. It seems like I always assume a movie will be good, until I watch it and discover that it's complete garbage. Nightmare Alley is an anthology movie, which I usually love. Anthologies are easy to keep up with and stay interested in because the story is constantly changing. Usually there's a couple of individual stories and then one big wrap-around, and I haven't yet found one that I completely hated. Well, that is, until now. This one has no wrap-around, save from a Cryptkeeper wannabe "host" character who was really horrible. The mask or make-up that the actor was wearing restricted his speaking, his voice sounded muffled, and his lips barely moved--so I wasn't sure if it was actually him talking, or if there was some kind of weird voice-over going on. It was distracting and annoying, and there wasn't any point for his being there anyway. He just gave a brief synopsis of each story, which I could have figured out for myself, thank you.

There were actually quite a few stories in this one--seven, I think--and all of them were pointless. The characters were horribly bland and developed poorly. The actors were terrible, and the editing was bad. The sound was scratchy and jumpy, and it honestly made me think of a high school computer class project. There was no atmosphere, mood, or any sort of creepiness factor. There was nothing scary, funny, endearing, dramatic, sad...I could go on and on. There was just...nothing. The movie wasn't very long, and since there were so many different stories, I understand why everything was so sloppy and rushed. I understand, but that doesn't make it okay. If your stories are going to be short, you better have some serious talent or the viewer is going to be severely disappointed. There were a couple of the stories I thought had a little potential, so I'll focus on those rather than all seven.

In one, a man buys a little rubber rat from a dollar store. The lady at the counter tells him it's dangerous, it will possess his soul, and sends him on his way. The rat talks to him, instructing him to kill young women so that the rat can feed on their souls. Everything takes a turn for the worse for the man, though, when he picks up a hitch-hiker who takes no shit. In another, a cheating husband meets up with a woman he met online, only to be viciously murdered. That woman turns out to be the ghost of a woman who killed her cheating husband before taking her own life. And the last on my list is about a woman who murdered her angry husband and then fed him to her new lover. It said that he was fed the dead man's remains for six weeks, before he was found wandering the streets in a speedo. Now, I said those stories had potential, which they did. The stories were kind of interesting, and with a little better development, and a longer running time, they could have been good. Sadly, they were not good. They were still horrible, but they were the best in the bunch. The rest were completely pointless and could have been cut out completely, in my opinion.

I rarely feel that I've wasted my time with movies that I watch, because I feel that they all deserve my time. I do want to see every horror movie ever made, after all. But I was actually a bit angry after watching this, because it was a complete waste of time. These "stories" were more like sketches than anything, and all it succeeded in doing was making me wish it was over already. Director Scarlet Fry is associated with another movie I've been interested in, but now I'm kind of hesitant of that one too. My advice: skip this one, please.

#103 -- Trapped Ashes (2006)

Directors: Sean S. Cunningham, Joe Dante, John Gaeta, Monte Hellman & Ken Russell
Rating: 3/5

A group of people go on a tour through a movie studio in Hollywood. One of the stops is a creepy house where a classic horror was filmed. The house is somewhat of a maze, and the group ends up getting lost and stuck inside of a revolving room. Their tour guide suggests that they, like in the movie the house is famous for, tell their scariest stories in order to get out. One by one, they go around telling horrifying stories - or what was supposed to be horrifying stories, I guess.


The Girl with the Golden Breasts
In this one, a young actress who is being beaten out of parts by prettier girls decides to get a breast enhancement surgery. This if fine and dandy, and I'm sure not at all rare, but there's one little problem. Her doctor uses recycled parts of corpses in his implants. This causes her nipples to grow teeth, and they're quite the bloodthirsty little buggers. There's a group of drag-queen scientists who use this method as an experiment to find the fountain of youth.

Jibaku
A married couple takes a trip to Japan to re-kindle the lost flame in their relationship. However, the husband is too busy working to pay much attention to his wife, and she finds a flame with a young and handsome Japanese man. He hangs himself in the local cemetery, and then begins to haunt her. It's not a bad kind of haunting, though, not for this woman. She has a horrific affair with this dead monk, and eventually is dragged into Hell to join him.

Stanley’s Girlfriend
A man and his best friend have kind of a love triangle with a beautiful and mysterious woman. One of the men disappears, leaving the other to have his way with the girl. The girl is not what she seems, though. She has been living since the late 1800s, and she's a bloodthirsty little vixen.

My Twin, The Worm
A woman has a parasitic worm growing inside of her, alongside her precious daughter. Her daughter somehow becomes attached to the worm, claiming that he is her "twin." The girls mother dies when she's young, and she is sent to live with her father and stepmother. Her stepmother starves her, and she asks her twin, "You aren't just going to let her kill me, are you?" And of course, being the wonderful big brother he is, he takes care of things.

This wasn't mind-blowing, but it was pretty interesting. The killer nipples are hilarious, for one. My Twin, The Worm has some pretty freaky fetal images. Stanley's Girlfriend is pretty dull and, in my opinion, the worst of the bunch. I'm all for vampires and all, but the way the story was told made it a tad bit boring. The main reason I wanted to watch this was because I noticed Sean Cunningham (creator of Friday the 13th) directed one of the shorts. His creation? Jibaku. This one was my favorite of them all. It wasn't mind-blowing either, but it was definitely the best of the bunch. The dead monk looks amazing, and the sex scene between him and the Wife is pretty gruesome. It's an interesting story, though I didn't understand it 100%. I think it would have been better had it had more time to play out. The wraparound story was okay, though extremely predictable. It's full of sex (so don't watch it with the kiddos!), mild gore, and a few confusing moments.

Another thing I liked about this movie was two of its stars. John Saxon (from A Nightmare on Elm Street) stars as Leo in Stanley's Girlfriend. Though he's kind of an ass, he's great as always. Also, Henry Gibson. If you don't know who that is, he is Grandpa O'Reiley from the made-for-TV Disney movie Luck of the Irish. I've always thought he was an adorable old man, and he was amazing here.

Overall, this was just okay. It can be entertaining for a boring night at home alone, but don't expect to be extremely wowed by it.

#88 -- Tales From the Dead (2008)

Director: Jason Cuadrado
Rating: 3/5

When it comes to Asian horror anthologies, or Asian horror in general, I'm afraid this one falls short. I had high expectations for it, due to my love of Asian horror, but I was a bit disappointed. A woman's car breaks down and she hitches a ride with a young woman who happens to be able to speak to the dead. During their journey, the young medium, Tamika, tells Shoko stories that spirits have told her. In the first story, Tamika visits a house haunted by a murdered couple. The scared homeowners' paralyzed son has dark secrets he cannot tell, but Tamika learns everything. Next, it is the story of a man murdered in a hotel room. He was a member of some sort of group that he intended to rat out. This group apparently did not like the idea very much; they had him suffocated and shot down. But one of the detectives on the case may have some secrets...

In the last story, a young man who is fixated on money and success meets with a man who has an offer. He sells time to the dead, and he wants to buy Yoshi's time. He promises him a life of happiness if he agrees, and Yoshi jumps on the opportunity. However, time is something that should never be squandered.

It turns out that Shoko has some secrets of her own, involving a deadly group of women called The Black Widows. But Tamika already knows, and an angry spirit has asked her to do some pretty awful things.

The stories are okay, I guess. They're not very scary, or even spooky in the way that makes Asian horror so great. I liked the wrap-around story much better, and it is the reason that this movie gets a three star rating from me. It was twisted and interesting, and much better than the others. Overall, it's a must see for other Asian horror lovers like myself, of course. But don't expect it to be as amazing as some others.

#59 -- J-Horror Anthology: Legends (2005)

Directors: Hiroaki Hirakata, Hiroshi Ikezoe, Tadafumi Tomioka & Naoto Yamakawa

Rating: 4 / 5

This is a series of six Japanese short films based on local legends. Some are not scary at all, some are funny, while others are utterly terrifying. But this is a wonderful watch, nonetheless.

Peony Lamp: A young woman visits her ex lover in hopes that he has not forgotten her, since she had supposedly died. He welcomes her to his bed with open arms. He father did not want her seeing her lover, because he was of lower class, and her side of the story was that her father had lied about her death - to keep her lover from trying to see her. But the man's friend is convinced that the young woman is a ghost trying to take him back to the underworld with her, and sets out to help his friend resist his temptations in order to survive. 

She-Bear: This is the best in the collection, and one of my favorite movies, short or otherwise. Two young girls are traveling through a tunnel (may be a subway, I'm not quite sure). They see a sign that says "Run away from She-Bear" and it refers to a local legend. They put it off as nonsense, until they see the creepy old lady in the corner. She carries a stuffed teddy bear around, sings creepy songs, and...kills people for their jewelry. This woman, this thing, this She-Bear is terrifying. Can the two girls run away from She-Bear?

Terrified girls from "She-Bear"

Yamamba: A couple of reporters are investigating a local legend about some sort of demon called Yamamba. The locals are very vague and distant, and they refuse to talk about the beast. One man finally comes clean and says that, "Whoever speaks of Yamamba gets eaten by Yamamba." They decide to look for the demon and end up getting lost in the woods. They are taken in by a friendly young woman for the night, only for one of them to end up as dinner.

Nurarihyon: A young boy sees a spirit in his home - a lumpy-headed ghost named Nurarihyon. His magic is initiated when he says his own name, in an extremely comical way, and he likes causing mischief. Of course, the young boy gets blamed for a little while, until his mother finally discovers Nurarihyon and flips her shit. But, this ghost - like Casper - comes in peace. When their home is invaded by burglars, Nurarihyon comes to the rescue. 

Heartbroken Trip: Two friends decide to take a trip after one's ass of a boyfriend breaks up with her. One of the girls is late getting to the hotel, but assures her friend that she will be there as soon as she can. She tells her that there has been a terrible accident on the highway and it is backing up traffic. Meanwhile in the hotel, one of the girls is starting to see creepy things - ghosts that seem to be incredibly pained. She almost has a nervous breakdown, when her friend finally arrives. The friend makes a speech about their friendship and fond memories, and when she wakes up in the morning, her friend is gone. She finds out a little while later that her friend was not telling the whole truth about the accident.

Nurarihyon

Lost Souls: A young couple is taking a drive and looking for a place to eat. They go into a little noodle shop, where the place mats read: "Do not look." A strange family enters, and the waiter will not look at them as he takes their orders. He instructs the young couple not to look at the family if they wish to go straight home, but the woman cannot resist. She looks, and they get stuck on a stretch of road, driving repeatedly by the same spot. It seems that this family, after driving off the bridge and into the lake, would like some new friends.

These stories are quite nice, though not all of them are scary. Some are sad (Heartbroken Trip), some funny (Nurarihyon); but some others are downright scary. My favorites in this are She-Bear and Lost Souls. While the collection is good, I would give it three stars for the most part; but that extra star goes to She-Bear alone. It is definitely worth it for any other J-horror fans out there.

Note: I could not find a trailer for this movie anywhere. Instead, the link in The Trailer Park will take you to the first half of the short She-Bear.

#33 -- The Telling (2009)

 Director: Nicholas Carpenter

Rating: 3 / 5

"The only real horror is that there is no horror left."

Playmates Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt star in The Telling, which I believe to be a large contributing factor of why people watch this movie. Not that it's bad, but I mean...Come on. They're hot. We start of with your typical college party: kids at a pool, getting wasted and fooling around. A dumpy, plain girl, Brianna, is strolling through and is insulted by the Head Bitch (Madison). She runs away crying, into the pool house. A couple follow soon after, looking to make with the boom boom, and they find the girl - dead. She is sitting underneath a mirror which reads "You made me do this." In her hands is a bottle of alcohol, and a bottle of pills. It's sad, I suppose, but I really can feel no sympathy for this girl. I know it sucks getting bullied, especially by people that you look up to and aspire to be like. But committing suicide because they don't want you in their sorority? That's a bit extreme and a lot dumb as shit. So excuse me when I don't feel sorry for her. Anyhow, following the discovery of the girl, we have the typical boo-hooing mother. 

Cut to one year later, and the sorority is looking for new pledges. There are three girls up for the job, if you want to call it that. With the tragedy from the past year, the school has demanded that the sorority stop being such shallow bitches and actually look into what type of people they are, rather than how big their tits are. So, Head Bitch decides to have a little story-telling session. She likes horror, and whoever can tell the scariest story wins. 

Story # 1

Lily is living with her boyfriend, Tommy. Tommy's ex-girlfriend, Sarah, returns to the states from England, and he lets her stay with them until she can get on her feet. They find a doll that is pretty creepy. It's obvious it's been in the trash for a while: matted hair, eyeball rolling around in the socket, dirty dress...blah blah blah. The doll talks in a weird, almost robotic voice, and says things like "I love you," and "We can be beeessst friends." The typical doll things to say. But after a while, the doll develops a larger vocabulary. Turns out, when she says "I love you" to Tommy, she actually means it. And Sarah isn't the one that Lily needs to be worrying about. When the doll first tells Lily, "I think I'll have him all to myself," she believes that Sarah has put a radio in the doll, to mess with her. The doll keeps saying things like this, and Lily goes a bit nutzo. She's so out-there, though, that it turns something that could be quite frightening into something utterly hilarious. While she's in the bath, she hears a strange noise downstairs. She goes to investigate and - surprise surprise - Sarah is dead in the kitchen. Lily finds little bitty doll-prints in Sarah's blood, and she follows them to the television set. She grabs the doll angrily, and she is electrocuted. Hearing the screams, Tommy rushes downstairs to find the two girls. The doll then says, "I hope they allow conjugal visits where you're going." Ha-ha. Ha-ha. So, really, this one ends up being more funny than anything. It's not a bad thing, but I'm not quite sure that's what they were going for. The pledge who is telling the story informs us that Tommy was, indeed, put away for life.

Story # 2

Eva DeMarco (played by Marquardt) is a washed-up actress who is desperate for work. She tells her agent that she will take any - ANY - role, as long as she gets that cheddar. He finds her a job in - I assume - Romania. When she gets to a creepy castle (what else?), she meets the handsome and charming director, Victor. He fills her full of absinthe, and she has a horrible nightmare involving creepy people in masks. She awakes to a letter telling her to meet them for a cast and crew dinner before filming. She gets there, and all the people at the table are wearing masks: the same ones she saw in her dream. However, she doesn't seem alarmed by this. Maybe she doesn't remember? I don't know. But when they all keep staring at her, she gets nervous quickly. Victor plays a video for her, explaining that the first thing people did with the invention of motion pictures was to film horrific things: executions, wars, etc. He claims that the man who recorded this film is a man of artistic genius. IS, not was. He is sitting at the table, and he removes his mask to show a grisly face. Or, what I assume was supposed to be grisly. Through a sort of montage, all of the cast remove their masks. They are a film crew of the undead. They explain that they have lived for so long, they have seen everything, and that regular horror films just don't cut it anymore. I think she said "Nosferatu don't cut it," or something along those lines. So, they make their own horror movies, and their demographic? Well, the undead of course! They get bored sometimes too. So, they drug Eva and tie her to a table. Unfortunately, we don't get to see any of the gore I'm sure came afterwards. We cut to Eva sitting at the table with Victor and saying, "I'm ready for my close-up."

Story # 3

This one is my favorite of the three stories. It is simple and slasher-esque, and that is what I love about horror movies. We've got three friends: Jenna, Anna, and Meredith. Jenna is a bitch - just a flat out bitch. They're planning to go out to the movies. There's a repairman at their house, because something is wrong with the television and Jenna MUST record her show or she will kill someone. She decides to leave the repairman alone in their house so that they're not late to the movie. They return shortly afterwards - the movie is sold out. Jenna's PISSED. She is going to kill someone. Did I mention she's a bitch? For some fun, they decide to make prank phone calls. Jenna calls a lady, pretends to be a police officer, and tells the woman that her husband is dead (bit - I think you can tell by now...). Meredith calls a man and tells him that his house has been chosen to receive some free pizza. In the middle of their conversation, there is a knock at the man's door, and he goes to answer it. There is a struggle, and the man is obviously murdered. The girls call the police to tell them about the incident. Before they do, they get a phone call saying that if they do call the police, or tell anyone, they will be next. They call the police anyways. One cop shows up (they find this suspicious because he doesn't have a partner) and surveys the house. They soon become very suspicious, and the logic behind their suspicions escapes me. He's sweaty, so he can't actually be a cop. I'm stumped. But, anyways. Jenna dies first, but not before she stabs the killer in the hand. Ana is next: strangled. Meredith is obviously hysterical. The repairman shows up again and the policeman handcuffs him to a chair, believing him to be the murderer. But Meredith knows the truth...She stabs and shoots the policeman, only to return to find Repairman dead. The killer shows up saying, "Look at the mess you made," and it's over.

We return to the sorority house, and they have chosen their new members: two girls who look just like them. They will not allow the "normal" girls into their sorority, of course. Suddenly, they start feeling ill. They believe it to be caused by bad wine, but one of the pledges assures them that it's probably the poison. The girl has poisoned some cookies, in order to avenge her sister, Brianna. Even though Brianna committed suicide for a really dumbshit reason, this girl blames the sorority bitches. She has set it up to look like a group suicide. She's written suicide notes via text messages and even e-mailed the girls' families. She exits the sorority house and lets Boo-hooing Mother know that their job is done.

This movie wasn't wonderfully made, but I enjoyed it. I'm not really sure why...Maybe it was all the hot women. So that is my advice to you. If you're interested in seeing some smokin' babes, then check it out. Otherwise, meh - take or leave it.

#20 -- Terror Tract (2000)

Directors: Lance W. Dreeson & Clint Hutchison
Rating: 3 / 5

John Ritter, one of my favorite actors, was my main reason for watching this movie. The synopsis is a bit vague, so when you read it you're not quite sure if you'd like to see it or not. But I'm glad I did, and I'm here to tell you it's good. It's a nice little anthology where real estate agent Bob (played by Ritter) is trying to sell a house to a young couple. Each house, though, has history - it's own dirty little secrets. And as the seller, it is his job to fill them in on the little secrets.

Nightmare

Sarah is cheating on her husband, Lewis and having an affair with Frank. Lewis leaves for the day and Frank comes over for a little fun. But their little fun is interrupted when a shotgun-toting Lewis returns. He has known about the little affair for quite some time and was waiting on the perfect moment. He creates a noose for his wife, after forcing her to write a breakup letter to Frank. He then holds the gun to Frank's face and tells them his plan. Sarah has broken up with Frank, but Frank cannot take no for an answer. So he returns to try again and Sarah, defending herself, shoots him. Then, so distraught after what she's done, hangs herself. The note will be a nice touch, Lewis thinks; the cops won't suspect a thing. But his plan goes awry when Frank shoots him in the back and tosses him into the lake. 

Sarah is tormented by what they've done, and she begins having nightmares of Lewis returning from the grave to kill her. While Frank is trying to hide the murder, Sarah is trying to avoid the nightmares. When they realize that Lewis's car is still around, they hurry to try to hide it. But there's one problem - Lewis had the keys with him. So, while Frank is back at the lake fetching the keys from the body, Sarah is still having nightmares. She hears the doorknob turning, the door shaking, and she grabs the shotgun from underneath the bed. As soon as the door opens, she shoots...Frank. Upset about what she's done, she hangs herself. So, Lewis's plan has come to life, except it's not exactly the way he'd planned it. When the cops arrive to investigate and collect the bodies, Sarah is covered in some sort of green slime. So, were they just nightmares? Or was Lewis really returning from the grave to torment his adulterous wife?

Naturally, the young couple is not interested in buying that house. So it's off to the next.

Bobo

Ron's daughter, Jennifer, is his whole world. But one day, when she finds a little monkey in a funny red suit, his whole world changes. Jennifer falls in love with the little critter, but Ron knows that something just isn't right. The monkey starts misbehaving - nothing out of the ordinary; just a wild animal being a wild animal - and Ron wants it out of his house. Jennifer will have none of it, though, and she starts hiding Bobo in her bedroom. When Ron finds their family dog dead, he takes action. He tells his wife and daughter to leave the house, and he contacts animal control. A big man agrees to come to the house with him and catch the monkey. Ron is burying the dog in the backyard when he realizes a lot of time has passed. He returns to the house to find animal control dead - at least ten kitchen knifes stuck into his chest and stomach. He believes that Bobo is the monkey from Hell, and I think he might have been right. When he finds his wife dead from a slit throat, he can take no more. 

He finds Bobo back in Jennifer's room, and after a brief battle with the little monster, traps it underneath Jennifer's bureau. He looks around for the shotgun and realizes that it is in his daughter's hands. He begs her to give it to him, and she does...We hear a gunshot, and we know that Jennifer has just murdered her father.

For the fear of demon monkeys, the couple does not with to buy this house either. So it's off to the next.

Come To Granny

Sean needs psychiatric help, because he sees dead people. Well, not exactly...There is a murderer on the loose called The Granny Killer. No, he doesn't kill grandmothers. He kills women, while wearing a granny mask. And Sean has premonitions of the murders before they happen. So he goes to see the psychiatrist for help, because he feels he needs to tell someone. He tells her about each of the premonitions and how they've come true. The last of the premonitions is the love of his life, and he has just come from finding her dismembered body. He reveals to the psychiatrist that he's not come for help - he's come to warn her. He's had another vision, and she is the next victim. The doctor becomes afraid, thinking that Sean is trying to kill her. There is a struggle and the doctor ends up stabbing him. He chases her through her office and pulls out a gun. She is frantically punching the elevator butting, trying to get away. And when the doors open - The Granny Killer is waiting for her. Sean tries to shoot, but falls to the ground before he can. "It's all right," The Granny Killer says. "Come to Granny!"

The couple, strangely, does not want this house either. They become annoyed with Bob and tell him that they don't want to buy any house from him. He becomes angry, because his numbers are down and he must sell a house. He then gets a phone call from his boss, telling him that his time is up. He puts Bob's son on the phone. The little boy is crying, begging his father to sell the house. So it seems that there are very serious consequences for poor performance. Bob stabs the young man and chases the woman out of the house. She jumps into the car and, with bloodied hands, Bob slams against it yelling "make me an offer!" As she's driving away, she realizes that the entire neighborhood is crazy. She sees old ladies dumping bodies in trash cans, someone drowned in a kiddie pool, a man running over a cat with a lawnmower, and more grizzly scenes. 

The cover of the movie says: Real estate agent Bob Carter sells the American Dream...But in this neighborhood, dreams turn to nightmares. And I'm sure that terrified young woman would agree.

I was pleasantly surprised by this one. I'd never heard of it, and by the synopsis didn't expect much. There were some genuinely scary scenes - especially when Lewis returns to haunt his wife's nightmares. The stories are interesting and very well done. I enjoyed this quite a lot, and I think it's definitely worth a viewing.