#133 -- Midnight Movie (2008)

Director: Jack Messitt
Rating: 4/5

Some people are afraid of horror movies, because in the back of their minds, they think it's real, and that the killer will come for them. But in this case, that fear is perfectly reasonable. The Avenue movie theater was having a midnight showing of a forty year old horror movie called The Dark Beneath. Not many people showed up for it. There was a biker couple, four friends, two police officer, and a little boy. The four friends were Bridgit, the manager of the theater; Bridgit's boyfriend, Josh; and Mario and his girlfriend. Bridgit's little brother Timmy was in on the action as well. Their movie started off normal: a group of friends with car trouble going into a strange house for help. The kids started dying off one by one, of course, but there was a twist. And certain points in the movie, the screen would twitch, and the cameras would switch to somewhere inside the movie theater. The cameras followed a theater patron, and the movie-viewers had the pleasure of watching their friends die. Once the killer was done with them, he would take them back inside the movie, and throw them into the basement with the rest of his victims. He could move between the movie and the real world, taking people with him each time. The problem was that, in a movie, no one really dies. So, no matter what he did to them, they couldn't die. They had to live in pain, while he tortured them endlessly. The only way to get out of that torture was to escape the movie before the end credits rolled.

I really enjoyed this one. It was a cool kind of alternate reality deal, but it managed to not be stupid. The killer was delightfully creepy, with his skull-face and shuffling walk; his mother also played a part in the murders and she was reminiscent of Mrs. Bates herself. The characters were likable and everything was really well done. The killer's weapon of choice was a giant handheld screw looking thing. I'm not sure what it was exactly, but it was pretty awesome. He used it to gut, stab, slice, and even electrocute. A Mr. Radford created the movie, and we first met him in a mental hospital (where he watched the movie, bit a chunk out of his own wrist and drew symbols in his own blood; then he killed pretty much everyone in the facility). He'd created some kind of threshold, I suppose, where nothing is fake and every horror is real. It was definitely interesting and very enjoyable.

#132 -- Killing Ariel (2008)

Directors: Fred Calvert & David J. Negron, Jr.
Rating: 4/5

I'm not really sure how to explain this movie so that you'll understand what was going on, without it being confusing, and with no spoilers. So, I apologize if it is confusing, and there will be some spoilers. Despite the spoilers, though, I don't think it will spoil anything for you. It was about a man named Rick. He was a happily married man with two children, and he worked as an insurance salesman. He was happy, but not without a few problems. Rick's parents were killed when he was younger, and he witnessed a good deal of violence at a young age. It all involved a bald and naked man. Rick was very devoted to his wife and, though he had the chance to cheat on occasion, he never strayed. That was until one night, he woke to a strange woman making love to him. He woke up again, realizing that it was only a dream, though he didn't believe it was a dream at all. He completely believed that this woman had been there with him. Afterwards, though, he started having thoughts that he wouldn't normally have had (he only said this; it didn't really show anything involving his thoughts). He went through a sort of mid-life crisis; he bought a fancy new car and started scoping out beautiful women. He met a young woman named Ariel, and he took her to the house where he lived as a child, for a weekend of wild fun. When he started having more of those vivid "dreams," he started freaking out a little bit, and Ariel got scared. But she stayed with him. After one of these dreams, she decided that he just needed to relax, and they planned on playing a nice game of Chinese Checkers. Rick went up to the attic to find the game, and there was the bald naked man who had killed his parents. The Naked Man spoke to him for a moment before disappearing. He returned behind Rick, and Rick turned and shot him...But it was Ariel who fell, bloodied and dead. Instead of going to the police, Rick buried her out in the woods. He returned to the house, and woke up the next morning with Ariel by his side. At first he couldn't discern reality from his dreams, but he eventually became certain that Ariel was a demon and that she was actually The Naked Man. The man could transform into anyone he wanted. So Rick knew that the only way he could escape this succubus was to kill her. And kill her he did, over and over again. She just wouldn't stay dead. He eventually decided that, if he couldn't kill her, he would cut off her head and stuff it in a pickle jar so he could keep an eye on her. His plans were thwarted by the police, however.

A man who may or may not have been a policeman told Rick that he was a serial killer. Ariel was Rick's mother's name, and Rick was re-living the night his parents were killed. He hated his mother, and thought that he was saving his father from her evil. He killed seven different women, but he believed he was killing Ariel repeatedly. The end left things a bit open, though. It left me wondering...was Rick a psychopathic serial killer, or was there really a demon succubus after him? Since I'd been with Rick since the beginning of the story, I'm tempted to believe the demon was real. But it really could have gone either way. I know many serial killers kill believing (or pretending) that they're killing the same woman, so it is not unlikely.

Some people don't like this movie because there wasn't enough gore, or because Ariel wasn't sexy enough to be a proper succubus. But I say what the hell ever. It was more of a psychological thriller than a horror movie, but I did really enjoy it. It didn't explain everything a hundred percent, but that's not because it failed to properly develop the story. That is what it was meant to do, and I think it succeeded. The pacing was slow, and that might throw some people off. But for me, it worked. So, you might be wondering why I've given the movie only four stars, since I'm speaking so highly of it. That's simply because I wouldn't consider it one of my favorite movies. I did really enjoy it, though. It was definitely an interesting story. It could have been made into more of a horror movie, and that would have the potential to be pretty terrifying in the right hands. But it wasn't made that way, and I'm okay with that. I like it how it is. It's believable, even with the demons and all. Maybe you believe in demons. Or maybe you believe that there are people in the world who see things that aren't really there. Either way, this movie has some reality in it.

#131 -- Grace (2009)

Director: Paul Solet
Rating: 3/5

Something about killer children is always frightening. But what if it's a killer baby, fresh out of the womb? Madeline and her husband Michael have lost two babies already, so when they get pregnant a third time, they are very excited and hopeful. Michael's mother is a bit overbearing, and she insists that Madeline knows absolutely nothing. Madeline does not like hospitals, and she insists on using a midwife instead. Her mother-in-law is naturally upset about this, and she constantly sends over her own doctor (a doctor that Madeline absolutely does not like). Madeline and Michael get into a car accident; Michael is killed, and so, it seems, is Madeline's unborn child. She insists on carrying the child to term and delivering it normally. When her baby girl is born, she definitely looks like a stillborn. But that's nothing that a little breast-feeding can't cure. The baby miraculously returns to life, and Madeline names her Grace. After a little while, Madeline discovers, though, that her baby is not normal. Regular breast milk will not satisfy her hunger, which Madeline discovers when Grace starts getting a little bit too rough with her. She tries cow blood to begin with, draining it from steaks she buys at the supermarket, but that only makes baby Grace sick. She needs human blood. So Madeline continues supplying her own blood, until she becomes terribly anemic. Meanwhile, her overbearing bitch of a mother-in-law is trying to have Grace taken away from her. With the aid of her doctor, they plan on proving neglect. Vivian sends over the good doctor, and he seems to genuinely want to help at first. When his intentions start seeming a little impure, Madeline whacks him over the head, killing him. She fills a bottle with his blood for baby Grace. But Vivian shows up shortly, discovers the grisly scene in Madeline's bathroom, and tries to take matters into her own hands. There is a fight that it seems like no one can win. But with the help of her midwife, Patricia, Madeline and Grace just might be able to make it through.

This was definitely an interesting movie. Madeline was a wonderful mother, and she was willing to do anything to be sure that her baby would be happy and healthy, even if that meant sacrificing her own health. She was willing to go to extreme lengths to ensure Grace's well-being, and she never questioned her child's strange appetite. This movie is meant to be "chilling," and I think it could have done better. It was a little creepy, with the vampire baby and all, but it could have done so much more. I hate when I watch a movie and think that it could have done more. This story was wonderful, but I can imagine things that would have made it better. I wish it would have been done differently, because I think that would have made it an absolutely wonderful movie. With a little more atmosphere, it could have been terrifying. Overall, it was a good movie but it fell a little short of its potential. One thing I did like: she killed that bitch Vivian, which I wold have done way before she did.

#130 -- The Video Dead (1987)

Director: Robert Scott
Rating: 3/5

Somewhere in the world, there's a television set that can only play one old, black and white movie called "Zombie Blood Nightmare." The television set is accidentally shipped to a writer, Mr. Jordan. It was supposed to go to a paranormal research facility, but as we know, mistakes will happen. Mr. Jordan doesn't like "Zombie Blood Nightmare," and unplugs the television. But it's no normal television, and it doesn't need the aid of electricity to do its dirty work. It replays scenes from the movie before a nasty undead man emerges and kills Mr. Jordan. Fast forward three months, and siblings Zoe and Jeff move into Mr. Jordan's house. Their parents are out of the country, and the siblings are getting the house ready for their arrival. A man named Joshua Daniels shows up at the house, warning Jeff of the evil television. Jeff naturally thinks he's full of shit and shuts the door in his face. Soon after, though, Jeff discovers the television. He watches Zombie Blood Nightmare for a minute, before the channel changes, showing him a beautiful woman. The woman talks to him, beckoning him; and then she emerges and begins to seduce Jeff. Before he can really get his jollies, though, she returns to the set to be murdered by a man calling himself "the garbage man." It is then that Jeff decides to flush his marijuana down the toilet. It doesn't take very long, though, for Jeff to realize that it wasn't the marijuana playing tricks on him. There are zombies all over the woods that surround their neighborhood, and Joshua returns later to help the kids get rid of them.

Apparently the best defense against the video dead is mirrors. Zombies don't like their reflections, and mirrors instantly repel them. Oh, and the zombies don't eat people. They just want to kill the living because...well, because they're jealous. They wish they were alive, and if they can't be neither can anyone else. That's also why they don't like their reflections: it reminds them of what they are. So, as Joshua informs Jeff, they're pretty easy to take down. You can take them down just like you would a regular human. Because they're convinced that they are alive, they will become big babies and freak out, thinking they're dying. When they're down, squirming on the ground, you can chop 'em to pieces with a chainsaw. I'm guessing any sort of sharp object would have worked, but our heroes chose a chainsaw. Unfortunately, though they may think they are living, they are most certainly not. So, chopping their legs off will do no good, because they will just come back later. Joshua and Jeff get themselves killed, leaving Zoe at the house to fend off the zombies on her own. She toughs it out, showing no fear, and invites the zombies into the house. After feeding them a little bit of dog food, she lures them into the basement with the promise of a night of dancing. Once there, she traps them, saving the neighborhood and perhaps the whole world. Or not.

This movie was a little bit--okay, maybe A LOT--lame. But that's what the '80s were all about, right? It wouldn't have been the '80s without a shitload of lame zombie movies. This isn't the best I've seen (Return of the Living Dead, anyone?), but it's not too shabby. The story is kind of stupid, but that's okay. The acting is pretty bad, but that's okay too. The zombie effects were hit and miss, and the gore was pretty much non-existent. But it was entertaining, and that's all that matters to me. I didn't love it, but I did like it. It kind of makes me want to tape a mirror to my television.

#129 -- Hostel (2005)

Director: Eli Roth
Rating: 4/5

This came out a year after Saw started, so you can't really help but think it was inspired by it. It's essentially the same, but in ways very different. Where Saw has kind of a moral of sorts, Hostel is just a bunch of senseless violence--but hey! We all love senseless violence, don't we? It's about a country in Europe--Bratslava, I think--that specializes in hunting humans. People pay to have foreigners captured and tortured, for reasons unknown to me. One man ranted about the thrill of torturing people, so I guess maybe they just did it for shits and giggles. Everyone in town is in on this little game, it seems. Our main characters meet a guy in Amsterdam who tells them to go to a Hostel in Bratslava, where the girls love Americans and will jump their bones when they hear their accents. When they arrive, the girls are certainly willing to please the guys in any way they want. But of course, things go south pretty quickly (and not in the good way). One of the guys, Oli, disappears. The Hostel workers claim that he checked out, though his friends aren't sure that he'd leave without saying anything. They never realize that Oli is actually dead. Soon enough, another one of the guys also disappears. He's taken down to the torture chamber warehouse place. I think the place was underground, though I can't quite be sure. We see more of his torture than any other, and it's pretty graphic. He gets holes drilled into his knees, and his Achilles tendons slashed. After having the tendons slashed, his torturer tells him he's free to go. He tries in vain to exit the chamber, and ends up dead, dead, dead. After a series of lucky events, our last remaining character manages to get out of the underground torture chamber. He's seconds away from escape when he hears a friend from the hostel (a Japanese girl) screaming. He decides to be a hero and goes back in to save her. She's busy having her face burned with a blowtorch. After killing her torturer, he wants to help lessen her pain. Since one of her eyeballs is hanging a little loose, he cuts it off for her, and some gross yellow goo oozes out. Maybe I'm getting a little too much into detail, but I'm all about gross-outs. There were a couple of parts that really would have gotten me freaking out if they'd shown them in all their glory--like the knee-drills and slashed Achilles tendons. But I love it when a movie can make me cringe; I love it when something has an effect on me in any way. Anyways, Hero and Japanese Girl make it to the train station. When she sees her reflection, she opts for a Hara-Kiri rather than actually make it to safety. So Hero has to make it the rest of the way on his own, and maybe seek a little revenge along the way.

Most of the time, I complain when a movie doesn't have enough story, or explanation as to why things are happening. But in Hostel, it works for me. Things are what they are, and they actually don't really need any explanation. The guys are in Europe, which I think was effective. Most Americans don't really know much about Europe, so it makes it a bit exotic. It also allows us to maybe believe that crazy shit like this actually happens there. Plus, hot European chicks? Yes, please. Senseless violence and torture without reason can grant entertainment to some people. It is not a mind-blowing experience; it is not thought-provoking; it is not life altering. But who cares? Not all horror has to be deep and meaningful, or artsy fartsy, or whatever else all the critics love. It's meant to entertain, and Hostel does just that. It's interesting, and it appeals to gore whores like myself. I think movies like this are called torture porn, which sounds like my kind of movie. So if you're a freak like me, and you want to watch people being put through unimaginable amounts of pain for no apparent reason--check out Hostel.

#128 -- Masters of Horror: Jenifer (2005)

Director: Dario Argento
Rating: 4/5

May contain spoilers.
In this episode of Masters of Horror, we meet Jenifer, a strange but somehow lovely young lady. We first meet her when a police officer, Frank (that guy from "Wings"; I can never remember his name), saves her from being butchered by a homeless man. Her face is deformed, but she is otherwise quite attractive (what we call a butter-face). She can't speak or communicate in any way and, since the police force believes her to be mentally handicapped, she is sent to a mental facility. But Frank doesn't like it, because he sees her as merely a victim. So he has her released from the facility and takes her home. His wife isn't happy about it, especially after a brutal make-out session with Jenifer, and she leaves him. But Jenifer is quite the little seductress, and Frank absolutely cannot resist her. After being raped by her in his car, they begin a strange little love affair. I guess you could possibly put this in the torture porn category, because it features sex that is so disturbing that it's hot (for me at least, but maybe I'm just a freak). Frank soon realizes that Jenifer isn't just a helpless little victim. She starts off by eating his pet cat, and then escalates to the little girl next door. Having had enough, Frank hires a carny to kill her; but that man ends up stuffed in Frank's refrigerator. Instead of going to his colleagues, the police, he buries the bodies and goes on the run with Jenifer. They end up in a shack out in the woods. He gets a job at a local grocery store, leaving Jenifer alone to eat some more people. Again, Frank's had enough. So he takes her outside, ties her to a tree, and plans to behead her. He's thwarted by a local hunter, who kills Frank and starts the cycle all over again.

Yeah, there are plot holes in this. Or at least, things that make the story a little bit silly. A police officer refusing to go to the police after folks are murdered in his house, for instance. And why doesn't Frank kill her in the seclusion of their little shack, instead of outside where he's sure to be stopped? It seems to be a never-ending cycle, with Jenifer simply finding new men to seduce into keeping her dirty little secret. Some parts of it are silly, yes, but I don't care. It was entertaining, and that's all I'm worried about. So what is Jenifer exactly? I wouldn't call her a zombie, because she seems very much alive to me. I don't think she was just a crazy person either. The most likely explanation to me seems that she's one of those "hillbilly" types. Born of incest and forced to live in solitude, she (and perhaps her unknown family?) was forced to resort to cannibalism. Of course, she could've have been a cannibalistic mutant from outer space. Only the writers know the answer, but one thing's for sure. Don't mess with girls named Jenifer. I haven't yet found an episode of MoH that I absolutely didn't like. There have been episodes that I liked more than others, but overall I'm a huge fan and they never disappoint.

#127 -- Scream (1996)

Director: Wes Craven
Rating: 5/5

By the time Scream was released, slasher movies had already been done to death. The 1980s was chock full of them, in fact. So by the mid '90s, it would seem that everything had been done, and we'd seen it all. The formulas had been laid, and they were adhered to religiously. But this instant classic proved us all wrong. Directed by the wonderful Wes Craven, Scream stuck to those formulas, while at the same time poking fun at them. It was full of typical horror movie cliches, but it made it known just how silly they all were. It did these in such a smart and "make-fun-of-yourself" type of way that it was not cheesy at all. It also squashed a few horror movie stereotypes as well. I think it's safe to say that everyone is familiar with this movie, but just in case, we'll have a little rehashing. It's the story of a girl named Sidney. Her mother was murdered one year ago, and now similar murders are starting to happen. It would appear that there is a copycat killer, or perhaps her mother's killer is still on the loose. Is the man currently rotting in jail for Mrs. Prescott's murder the right man? It all starts with two kids from Sidney's school, and it escalates until it seems that no one is safe. The action culminates at a party held by one of Sidney's friends. Can the bloodbath be stopped, or are they all doomed?

Okay, let's take a look at some of the things this movie does so brilliantly. First of all, Randy's rules. Randy has a set of rules to help anyone survive a horror movie. They're very simple, yet all very true. I think Scream might be the movie that made us realize just how stupid horror characters are. Sidney herself took a jab at the stupidity of women in horror films, but when it came down to it, what did she do? Exactly the same thing. She ran up the stairs instead of out the front door. I think what this movie tries to teach is that you should never judge these people. Because in this sort of situation, you can't be sure what you would actually do. You can say you'd do the smart thing and head out the front door, but fear does strange things to people. Secondly, it shows us that the rules don't always apply. The number one rule in a horror movie is to never have sex. But Sidney proves that that doesn't necessarily equal death. I liked the fact that there were two killers instead of just one. The shock at the reveal was pretty epic, and the way these guys played their parts was splendid. And last, but certainly not least, the killers' methods. Honestly, with a movie like this, I don't think the kills should be all that important. The complete brilliance of it alone sold me, and probably tons of other fans as well. But, of course, this masterpiece couldn't just stop there, and the kills are wonderful too. It's not exactly the kills themselves, though. While they are well done (gutting, killed by a garage door, etc) it's what happens before the kills that makes it different: the games. I think the creators of Saw might have been influenced by this; and this is where "I want to play a game" originated. The victims were asked questions: horror movie trivia. If they got the answer wrong, they were killed. This is what made the kills different than anything else we'd seen. This is what sold me 100%.

There were nods to previous horror movies as well, of course--whether it was a part of the game, or in other aspects of the movie. There were questions asked about Halloween and Friday the 13th; there were mentions of Psycho, and Silence of the Lambs; there was even a janitor dressed just like Freddy Kreuger. I also think the cast was killer in this one. We had Drew Barrymore, David Arquette, Courteney Cox, Henry Winkler, Rose McGowan, Jamie Kennedy, and Matthew Lillard (who is still one of my favorite actors of all time). Everyone did an amazing job, and this will always be, in my opinion, one of the greatest horror movies ever made.

Scream asks the most important question of them all, the most important question that could every possibly be asked. And that is, What's your favorite scary movie?

#126 -- Ticked Off Trannies with Knives (2010)

Director: Israel Luna
Rating: 4/5

I've been wanting to watch this for quite a while. I put it off because, with a title like that, I expected it to be hilariously awesome. I was scared to watch it because I didn't want to be wrong and have it end up being really bad. It turns out, I was kind of right. Okay, we've got a group of transsexuals: Pinky La'Trimm, Rachel Slurr, Emma Grayshun, Tipper Somore and Bubbles Cliquot. When we first meet them, Bubbles is sporting a black eye, the product of a domestic dispute, it seems. We eventually learn that it was a lot more than an asshole boyfriend that she was having to deal with. When she and two of her friends, Emma and Tipper, are lured to a warehouse by three guys, things go really badly. Boner, the leader of this group of guys, tried to get some action from Bubbles, only to learn that she wasn't a she after all. He was really pissed, and decided that she had to pay for lying to him. Tipper and Emma are killed, but Bubbles makes a narrow escape. She ends up in a coma for a little while; other than having a slight speech impediment, she's okay. Unfortunately, Boner's not finished with her, and he follows her home one night to finish the job. He and his friends have a little game for her; she'll pick a card and it will tell her how she'll die. Fortunately for Bubbles, Rachel and Pinky are waiting outside to save the day.

Thanks to Fergus, the man who owns the club where they work, they are now masters of martial arts. So, it's safe to say that these assholes are in for the night of their lives. The girls have sort of an unorthodox way of getting their revenge, but hey--it works! What better way to hurt an intolerant asshole than by putting something in it? The girls turn their game around on them, and a pretty epic battle follows.

I really enjoyed this movie because it was actually really funny. Those trannies were silly! What's bad, though, is that things like this actually do happen. Society in general is extremely intolerant, and people are abused and killed everyday because of their lifestyle. People cannot handle things they don't understand. It's sickening, but I think this movie shows that you don't have to put up with it. You can fight back. Maybe you shouldn't go all psycho and kill everyone, but you can still fight back. Be strong and don't let stupid people push you around. GLAAD (the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) is very much against this movie, because they claim that it wrongly represents the lives of transgendered people. What I think is that they're missing the point. These girls were so outrageous and over-the-top because it was meant to be funny. They had a serious message to tell, but at the same time the movie was meant to entertain. People who are against this movie claim that it demeans those transsexuals who suffer on a day to day basis. But this movie casted actual transgendered women, who did suffer from cruelty in their lives. I think the movie just shows that the characters (and the women themselves) have gotten past their hardships and are simply trying to live their lives.

I, personally, didn't look that far into it. I know that things like this happen, and it's sickening, but I do realize that this is just a movie. The girls were wronged, and they got their revenge. What resulted was an entertaining film, with some humor and gore thrown in.

#125 -- The House Where Evil Dwells (1982)

Director: Kevin Connor
Rating: 2/5

Remembering the American version of The Grudge, and stories about Americans moving into creepy Japanese homes, I had high hopes for this one. Sadly, it did not live up to the expectations that The Grudge set in my mind. The House Where Evil Dwells is about a nice American family moving to Japan so that the husband, Ted, can write a book about Japanese folklore. Their good friend Alex helps them get settled, but not before telling them that their new house is supposedly haunted. The Monk from across the street tells Ted the house's story, and it is just as you would expect: a cheating wife is caught; she and her lover are killed by her angry husband. It's so typical for ghost stories, and I find myself wondering just why in the hell no one can come up with anything different. So Ted, Mrs. Ted, and their daughter Amy start seeing strange things in their house. Things like bowls being knocked over, things flying off of walls, and the lights going off by themselves. Amy even sees a man's face in her soup, growling like a retarded zombie. But these ghosts don't try to hide themselves as most do (and most should). They're painfully obvious, and I didn't care for that. I like my ghost stories just a little bit more subtle.

The monk tells them that there are evil spirits dwelling in their home, but just how evil are the spirits? Personally, they seem more like pranksters than evil ghosts to me. They enjoy causing mayhem in the house, yes, but they don't cause any actual harm themselves. What they do is possess people and force them to do things they wouldn't normally do. Their main focus is on Mrs. Ted. The lady-ghost--Otami, I think her name was--possesses Mrs. Ted and makes her all but tell her husband she wants to jump Alex's bones. And then Otami makes her do just that. She begins an affair with her husband's best friend, calling him every time Ted leaves the house.

When Ted almost drowns out in the lake, Mrs. Ted goes to his aid, leaving Amy home alone with a babysitter. In the middle of the night, Amy and Babysitter are attacked by giant talking crabs. Yes, giant fucking crabs. That can talk. In a desperate attempt to flee the evil crustaceans, Amy climbs a tree--and falls back down to the ground. At this point, Ted and Mrs. Ted are pretty freaked out, so they send Amy back to America to stay with her grandparents until Ted's finished with his writing. A week or so passes and, after having the monk run the ghosts off, Mrs. Ted decides to come clean about her affair. At the exact moment she spills her guts, Alex comes knocking on the door. Ted opens the door (after the monk told him not to, lest he let the spirits back in) to face his newfound nemesis. He does, in fact, let the spirits back in, and they possess all three of them.

They force the men to have a pretty epic battle (and by epic, I mean stupid), which doesn't end well for anyone involved. So I guess the lesson to be learned from this one is that not all ghosts want to kill you; some just want to tear your family apart. For shits and giggles, I guess. Maybe they didn't want anyone new living in their home. I'm not sure, because it didn't really get into all that. But the stupidity of the story really isn't the worst part. I can deal with stupid movies, trust me. In fact, in a lot of cases, I friggin' love 'em. This could have worked, but sadly it didn't. Where it failed was simply in the entertainment department. There was nothing interesting here. The characters were dull, the acting wasn't all that great. The story could have been at least a little bit interesting, but the way it was executed made it painfully boring. The one thing I did like was a set of masks that Mrs. Ted bought at the market in town. They were beautiful, and just a little bit frightening. I'd like some of those masks, but I'll pass on this movie.

#124 -- The Hazing (2004)

Director: Rolfe Kanefsky
Rating: 4/5

I remember renting this movie with a friend of mine when we were about thirteen or fourteen. We also rented The Blair Witch Project 2. For whatever reason, we ended up watching Blair Witch, and never got around to this one. I wish now that we'd gone the other way. Also known as Dead Scared, The Hazing is just about as cliche as you can get--but it works. It started off with a group of college kids pledging to a fraternity, and a sorority. For some unknown reason, they held their hazings together. I assume this was to fill the movie with both male and female, so they could get a little sexy time in. Anyway. Their first task was a scavenger hunt; they had to go around town and steal all sorts of things to gain points. One of those items was an evil book that was supposed to be able to do anything from raising the dead to giving women orgasms. While obtaining this book, Marsha and Doug accidentally killed their professor who was currently in possession of said book. Or, so they thought. While the professor was lying in a hospital bed, his spirit was with the kids in the infamous and haunted Hack House (where, of course, a man had murdered his family many years before). The kids had to stay in Hack House until morning, while their two pledge leaders attempted to scare the shit out of them. Of course, there were forces in that house more powerful than any asshole frat leader, and things soon took a turn for the worse.

The good professor's disembodied spirit tricked Doug into opening the portal between our world and Hell. Once the portal was open, the professor's spirit was able to exit Hell with full force; and it also gave him the ability to possess the kids so that he could have his evil way with them.

One of my favorite parts in this was when one of the kids lost his tongue in a bit of sexual rendezvous. When confronted by a professor-possessed Doug, he was asked: [pardon my language] "What's wrong, pussy got your tongue?" This gained a bout of raucous laughter from me. This movie was filled with humor, silly situations, and just about every horror movie cliche there is. It was funny, the gore was pretty good, and it was definitely entertaining. To put it simply, The Hazing is a great movie. I was pleasantly surprised, as I've gotten to the point that I don't expect too much these days. It's nice to be able to find a horror movie that is entertaining and doesn't seem to last four hours (you know what I mean. A bad movie seems to last forever, where as a good one doesn't last long enough). And I must say that Marsha (played by Tiffany Shepis, who I realized is a Tromette, which makes it even better) is pretty freakin' hot. My favorite character actually made it through the movie without getting killed, which doesn't happen very often. On an unrelated note, this one also stars Parry Shen, who you might recognize as the tour guide from Hatchet, and Brad Dourif (I've just realized who he is) as the crazy professor. Overall, this is a wonderful movie, and I'm sad that it took me almost ten years to finally watch it.

#123 -- Monster Brawl (2011)

Director: Jesse T. Cook
Rating: 4/5

Attention all fans of horror and wrestling: this is the movie for you. Monster Brawl was a story of...well, a monster brawl. In a secret graveyard with no audience (for safety purposes) the Monster Brawl took place. Monsters were summoned from around the world to compete in a fight-to-the-death match for the coveted monster's heavyweight championship. Before each match, we got a little bit of backstory about each monster, as well as their statistics (weight, height, number of wins, and any sort of special powers). There was also a little bit of pre-match trash talk, as there is with any good wrestling match. First up in the middleweight creature division, we had Cyclops vs. Witch Bitch, with Cyclops coming out victorious with a laser eye-beam. Next, in the middleweight undead division, was Mummy vs. Lady Vampire, with our vampire gaining the victory by ripping out the black heart of the former Pharaoh. And then we were on to the heavyweights, starting with Werewolf vs. Swamp Gut. Werewolf took the win by squashing the gigantic gut of the swamp creature. Next up was Frankenstein (the monster, not the doctor) vs. Zombie Man. At first, I was undecided on who to root for in this one, as I love both zombies and Frankenstein's Monster. I finally settled with rooting for Frankie (since there are millions of zombies and only one of him). My cheers were rewarded with Frankie taking the win by way of a headcrushing foot-stomp, which was followed by all the zombies in the graveyard coming to life to avenge their fallen comrade.



And finally, what we were all waiting for: the main event. The Monster's Heavyweight Championship match, with Frankenstein vs. Werewolf. Never in my life did I imagine I would see Frankenstein's Monster deliver an elbow-drop, but as they say: never say never. This was an incredible match, with twists and turns and complete awesomeness. I mean, Frankie vs. Wolf Man? Who would'a thunk it? So who came out victorious in this match, and who became the heavyweight champion of the world? Watch it and find out!

I actually really enjoyed this. If you think it sounds extremely silly, that's because it is. It wasn't meant to be an amazing shit-your pants type of horror movie. It was meant for entertainment, and it succeeded splendidly. If you don't go into it expecting to have your mind blown, I think you may be entertained. If you're not a fan of wrestling, you might not like it too much. But as a wrestling fan myself, I enjoyed it. The make-up was hit and miss. Some were good, some were not so good. But that wasn't what I was concerned with, so I didn't mind it too much. This one starred Jimmy Heart as the ring announcer, and Kevin Nash as Zombie Man's trainer. I also must mention the announcers. They were definitely entertaining, with some very funny comments, one of which was, "That was a wicked kick to the dick." All in all, Monster Brawl was definitely an interesting and entertaining movie. It was silly, and contained two things that I enjoy: horror and wrestling. I think in the next installment, they should include an alien, a demon, and perhaps Hades himself (since Cyclops was constantly threatening him). Check this one out if you're looking for some light entertainment.

Another Liebster Blog Award!

I was starting to get a little nervous, because I wasn't getting any new followers and pretty much no comments whatsoever. But I guess no comments doesn't mean that no one's reading. Or at least someone thinks of me when award time comes around, and I'm really grateful for that! It makes me feel so special inside. This Liebster award comes from Dr. Blood over at Dr. Blood's Video Vault. First of all, I'd like to thank Dr. Blood for so graciously passing this award onto little 'ol me. Secondly, I must address the rules of this award.

• Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
• Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.
• Create 11 questions for the people you have tagged to answer.
• Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
• Go to their page and tell them.
• No tag backs.

My eleven facts

1. I'm a natural red-head, so watch out!
2. I LOVE cookies. My nickname is Cookie Monster.
3. I collect bouncy balls and ticket stubs.
4. I haven't eaten meat in 8 years.
5. I was a band geek in high school.
6. My mom calls me Lucy, because I remind her of Lucille Ball.
7. I truly believe that the zombie apocalypse is in our near future.
8. I have three dogs: two chihuahuas and a malti-poo. 
9. My boyfriend is 6'2, and I'm 5'0. We look kind of weird.
10. I could live on nothing but potatoes. Mhmm!
11. The only game in the world I am good at is air hockey.

Dr. Blood's Questions
1. If you were stranded on a desert island, which three horror movie hotties would you want with you?
Debbie Rochon, Debbie Rochon, and Debbie Rochon. Is that cheating?

2. Chocolate muffins or chocolate cupcakes?
Can I pick chocolate cookies? No? Cupcakes, I guess.

3. What kind of computer do you use?
A really crappy Toshiba.

4. If you could be famous for one thing, what would it be?
Being a bestselling author.

5. How many M&Ms can you get into your mouth all in one go?
I don't like M&Ms.

6. Can you lick your own elbow?
No, but I can lick my own nose.

7. Which actor or actress do you hate the sight of the most?
I don't really hate the sight of anyone. But the actor I find the most overrated is Nicholas Cage.

8. Have you ever woken up naked in a field?
Ha-ha! No, my stories aren't ever so interesting.

9. Hello Kitty or Pokemon?
Poke'mon!

10. Oysters marinated in cat urine. Eat or die?
I would die, return as a zombie, and eat the hell out of whoever cooked that nasty crap.

11. What's the scariest movie you have ever seen?This changes all the time because once I see a movie a couple of times, it doesn't scare me anymore. As of right now, I'd have to go with Dead Silence. That dummy freaks me the hell out!

My questions

1. Which horror situation would you least like to be stuck in?
2. What grosses you out the most?
3. What is your dream job?
4. What do you think was the best decade for horror?
5. Describe your personality in three words.
6. Do you have an idea that you would like to see made into a horror movie?
7. What is your favorite non-horror movie?
8. Who is your favorite author?
9. What was your biggest fear when you were a kid?
10. What's your biggest fear now?
11. Describe your dream home.

My 11 Liebsters
Memoirs of a Scream Queen
Annie Walls
Living Dead Girl Nicole
Little Gothic Horrors
Hollys' Horrorland
Girl on Gore
Back Online Back On Duty
Something wickED this way comes
Doctor Carnage
The Girl Who Loves Horror
Horrorcentric

#122 -- Foreign Movie Challenge: Bloody Reunion (2006)

Director: Dae-wung Lim
Rating: 4/5

This is my last entry in the foreign movie challenge. Sadly, I didn't get one in every day like I'd planned, but I still had a pretty interesting week of movie viewing. Today's choice was a Korean movie called Bloody Reunion (also known as "To Sir, With Love" though I'm not really sure why. Bloody Reunion actually fits the story better). It's an interesting movie with elements I've never seen in an Asian horror movie. It is about a group of people who go to visit with their old elementary school teacher, who is very ill. Their teacher, Mrs. Park, was apparently horribly cruel to them when they were in school, and they all came back to see just how she could live with herself knowing what she'd done to them. Mrs. Park had a deformed son who the children were all scared of when they were young (and whose deformity also caused her husband to commit suicide). When the group starts dying in grisly ways, it seems that the deformed child of Mrs. Park is the only one to blame.

THE GOOD

There were many good things going on in this one. First and foremost, the gore. This is the most gore I've seen in a serious Asian horror film. There are those that are meant to be silly, and they are almost always full of gore. But the more serious ones, the ones meant to actually frighten, usually rely on jump-scares and an eerie atmosphere. In that way, Bloody Reunion was very different. Also, it was a slasher movie! I have never seen an Asian slasher movie, so that was refreshing. The rabbit mask. Mrs. Park's son wore a bunny mask to cover his deformed face. It sounds kind of silly on paper, but it was actually pretty frightening. I also liked the character development. Each of the kids' stories concerning Mrs. Park were interesting and I was able to relate to them. Each of them felt put down by her; they were made to feel as if they were not good enough, and they grew up trying to change themselves to fit the image she had set in their minds. She ruined their lives. The story was a good one, but that's nothing new with Asian horror. And I must say: the kills. This little rabbit-man was truly vicious! He looked to be small, but he definitely was not weak.

THE BAD

The only bad thing I could say about this was that it didn't go into very much depth about the horrible things Mrs. Park did to her students. They each gave a vague speech about what happened to them, but I would have liked to see more. One student was told that she was too fat, and she grew up to become obsessed with her image, and she eventually spent all of her money on plastic surgery (which left her with a pair of messed up eyes). One was made to feel lousy because he lost a race, which caused him to focus his energy on becoming more athletic; this caused an injury that would effect him for the rest of his life. One girl who was poor gave Mrs. Park a homemade gift that she only laughed at because it wasn't as good as money, though she didn't seem to have any lasting difficulties because of it (I could be wrong, though). And one student seemed to have been sexually abused by Mrs. Park. They were easy to relate to, I just would have liked more description so that I could have felt that more. It's a very small point, and it didn't take away from the movie's overall entertainment.

I also didn't care very much for the ending. It was somehow good, yet disappointing at the same time. All the way through the movie, I was thinking "Hey! This is different" because I'd never seen an Asian horror movie quite like it. But at the end, it was just another revenge story. The story was good, and it explained a lot of things that had happened earlier. I didn't hate it, but I was hoping for a full-blown slasher movie. Also, at the end, the deformed child seemed to have disappeared. The ending had a twist that didn't involve him, but his role in everything was dismissed, it seemed. I wondered what happened to him, because I kind of liked him. I can always relate to the "freak."

THE STRANGE

I know I already said this in the "good" section, but I believe it belongs here as well: the rabbit mask. It is definitely strange, but in a most awesome way. Overall, Bloody Reunion is a great movie, with elements not typical for Asian horror, and it was a nice ending to the foreign movie challenge.

After a small break, I'll be starting a Classic Movie Challenge, where I'll watch nothing but old movies. So stay tuned for that! As for this challenge, I  enjoyed it and look forward to doing it again in the future.

#121 -- Foreign Movie Challenge: Funny Games (1997)

Director: Michael Haneke
Rating: 2/5

Today's choice was a German movie about a rich family spending time at their vacation home. Their vacation goes horribly awry when two young men from next door (supposedly) show up and cause mayhem. It all starts when one of the men asks the lady of the house--Anna--to borrow some eggs. After dropping and cracking the eggs a few times, Peter's accomplice--Paul--shows up and asks to try out one of Anna's husband Georg's golf clubs, which he uses to kill their dog. They keep them hostage in their own home, claiming that they want to play some games. This is what kept me interested in the movie. I was curious to see just what sort of funny games they wanted to play. But they games were not funny, nor were they interesting. One they called "Kitten in a bag" or something like that. They put a pillow case over Georg Junior's head, while making Anna strip naked. They didn't touch her; they just wanted to see if she had any flab. Next, they used the "eeny meeny miney mo" tequnique, using Anna's age to count, to figure out who they would kill first. The lucky winner was Georg Junior. Peter and Paul left after killing the boy, and Anna and Georg figured it was time to skedaddle. But Georg was badly wounded, so Anna had to go out all by herself. She stupidly decided to hitchhike, and was picked up and Peter and Paul once again. Their next game was called "The Loving Wife." They would let Anna decide how they would kill Georg--with a shotgun or with a knife--or she could take his place.





There were some very strange parts of this movie. Paul kept looking at the camera, as if he were talking to the audience. Once, it was just a wink. Then he asked what we thought Anna should do, whether or not she should play along with them. I think this was an attempt to make the audience feel like they were a part of these sick little games, making them even more uncomfortable than they already were to begin with. That, or they were trying to make the audience feel like voyeurs, watching these terrible things and doing nothing about them. I think it's an interesting idea, and could have been good if they had kept it going. But it only happened a few times, and that just made it weird. There was no suspense in this one; no horror, hardly any action whatsoever. The only thing that kept me going was interest in the games, which never became interesting. From the synopsis, it sounded like it could have been an interesting and depraved movie, but I was disappointed. I'm not saying these guys weren't depraved; they certainly were. The scary thing about it, though, is that this sort of thing actually does happen. That was the one redeeming quality here: that it was believable. The actors all did an amazing job, and I believed every bit of it. It just wasn't interesting. It was boring, especially the bit where Anna sits on a chair and stares into space for about five minutes. Then she gets up, turns the TV off, and stares into space for another five minutes. That's unacceptable in my book. Movies are supposed to hold your attention, not make you twiddle your fingers waiting for something to happen.

I found out that there is an American remake of this movie starring Michael Pitt, an actor that I thoroughly enjoy. I actually would like to see this, because I'm used to seeing Mr. Pitt play introverted characters who are easily pushed around. If he does indeed play Paul, this should be a nice change for me. If he's Peter, it won't be much different. But I digress. This movie was disappointing, and it definitely isn't for everyone. It's a little disturbing, but not enough for me.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED

• Georg is pronounced much differently than I thought it was.
• Beware of skinny-legged golfer boys and their chubby accomplices.
• Don't let anyone borrow your eggs--EVER.

#120 -- Foreign Movie Challenge: Sick Nurses (2007)

Directors: Piraphan Laoyont & Thodsapol Siriwiwat
Rating: 4/5

A male doctor was dating a man who wanted to marry him. He told his boyfriend that he couldn't marry a man, so the boyfriend had a sex change. Instead of marrying him/her, like he promised, he started sleeping with his/her sister--and all the other nurses at the hospital too, it seems. Oh, and this was kind of a mad doctor, because he sold corpses to some unknown buyer. When the boyfriend/girlfriend found out about his infidelity, she went crazy and threatened to uncover their sick little business. Instead of going to prison, they all decided that she'd become their next sell. They killed her and tried to sell her; however, the buyer didn't show up on time. One of the girls mentioned that, "a soul will return to the one they love after seven days." Seven days after she died, she returned to seek vengeance, in some pretty grisly ways. The ghost possesses the girls' hands/arms and makes them harm themselves.




I love Asian horror. I've had it freak me out or just plain scare the shit out of me. But I've never watched one that grossed me out. I don't get grossed out by typical things, like most people. Decapitation and evisceration don't bother me. Actually, I think they're pretty awesome. It's simple things that I can imagine happening to me that weird me out. I can't imagine how it would feel to have my head cut off; but I can definitely imagine how it would feel to have a needle shoved down through my finger. This is the first Asian horror movie to have that effect on me, which is cool. The only thing I didn't like was that it jumped around a lot. It was in present time one minute, and all of a sudden it went to a flashback. I got kind of hard for me to keep up with what was happening, and what had already happened.

THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR

• A woman is forced to cut off her own jawbone, and then she is choked by a pickled fetus.
• A woman has her cell phone embedded into her cheek.
• A woman is forced to dig through trashcans.
• A woman is almost strangled by hair.
• A woman is forced to knock her teeth out with her toothbrush.
• A woman has her head turned into a purse.

There were a lot of weird things going on in this one, as you can tell.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED

• If your friend will have a sex change so you will marry him, you should probably run away from him.
• Selling dead bodies is risky business.
• Sleeping with your girlfriend's sister is even riskier business.
• Asians have very strong hair.

This was pretty good. The gore was wonderful, and that hospital was definitely painted red. There were some good gross out parts (for me, at least), but not very many real scares. The ghost wasn't very scary, especially when she sat provocatively to watch her handy-work. But overall it was a good movie. I mean, sexy Asian nurses? How can you go wrong with that?

#119 -- Foreign Movie Challenge: Let the Right One In (2008)

Director: Tomas Alfredson
Rating: 4/5

I saw the American version, Let Me In, before I saw this one. I really enjoyed the remake, but for some reason I liked this one better. It is the story of two twelve year-old kids in Sweden. The boy, Oskar, is tormented and bullied by his classmates, leaving him more than a little disturbed. Eli (pronounced kind of like "yelli") is a vampire. Eli lives with an older man who acts as a father figure to her, keeping her safe and acquiring meals for her. But he is starting to slip, which ultimately leads to his death. That leaves Eli with no one else to turn to but Oskar. They develop a friendly relationship, being that each really has no one else in their lives. When Oskar discovers Eli's secret, he is surprised and treats her with a little bit of disdain for a short while. Eventually, though, he comes to terms with his new girlfriend's identity, and they begin helping each other. Eli helps Oskar deal with his bullies, and Oskar helps Eli relocate so that she can continue living. The relationship between them is beautiful, in that "alone together" type of way. They're both outsiders, but they've got their own little secret club, so to say.



I found out while searching the web that this was actually based on a book by a Swedish author named John Ajvide Lindqvist. There are some disturbing things in the movie (murderous children, childhood sexuality, etc.), so I can only imagine how the book must be.

One thing I really liked about this one was Eli. She didn't talk much, and she didn't show feelings with her facial expressions. But there was something about her eyes. Maybe it's just me, but I could feel everything she was feeling by looking into her eyes. The actress portraying her did a wonderful job with that. And I can't deny that the language appealed to me too. I love hearing foreign languages, and it just makes it seem so much more exotic to me. I thought this movie was beautiful. It's interesting because it shows a sensitive vampire who still manages to be vicious and frightening. It's almost like Eli is Oskar's protector, because we know nothing can harm him as long as he is with her. And in a way, he is her protector as well. He protects her from her loneliness.

#118 -- Foreign Movie Challenge: Dead Snow (2009)

Director: Tommy Wirkola
Rating: 5/5

I'd been wanting to see this for a while, but I put it off for reasons unknown to me now. I studied German in high school, and I fell in love with that language. My teacher kind of dumbed it down for us, though, so when I hear German people speaking regularly, I'm totally lost and can't understand a word of it. I also love zombies, as you know. So, a German zombie movie was pretty much a must for me. But add into that that they are zombie freakin' NAZIS, and it gets a whole lot better. Nazis were pretty vicious to being with, right? So imagine undead Nazis hungry for flesh.

Back in the midst of World War II, a group of Nazi soldiers occupied the small town of Oksfjord. During a period of three years, they tortured the locals and stole their valuables. After a while, the locals became very irritated and ambushed the Nazis. Those who were not killed, ran off into the mountains and were assumed to have frozen to death. Those valuables stolen by the Nazis ended up in a little cabin in the mountains of present day Oksfjord, where a group of friends were spending their Easter vacation. They were patiently awaiting the arrival of another friend; but little did they know that their friend had become a zombie cheeseburger. Slowly the zombies showed up and started killing the group off one by one. The horror movie lover was the first to realize that they were being attacked by zombies, and he was obviously terrified; he was also the first to die (by having his head ripped in half). The reason for the zombie Nazis' uprising had something to do with those valuables in the cabin, but I'll leave you to figure that one out for yourself.






These zombies were fast, and they were ridiculously strong. Also, here's the kicker: they were actually smart. They still acted like an army, taking orders from their captain and all that jazz. Also, they had a motivation other than hunger. The hunger was definitely there, but that wasn't the only thing keeping them going. It was interesting, and a new spin on zombies, which I loved. And the gore was amazing! Who knew there were so many different ways to kill zombies out in the snow.

THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR:

• A man goes to the outhouse to take a dump. As soon as he wipes his ass, a girl rushes in, takes all her clothes off and jumps his bones. When they're finished, he leaves, and she's pulled through the dump hole by a zombie.
• A girl watches her own guts being torn out.
• A man bites a zombie

WHAT I'VE LEARNED

• German outhouses have hearts carved into the doors, rather than moons.
• Getting bitten by a zombie will turn the victim into one of the undead. But biting a zombie just leaves a bad taste in their mouth.
• Germans are awesome (though I already knew that).

My final words are these: WATCH THIS MOVIE!

#117 -- Foreign Movie Challenge - Muoi: the Legend of a Portrait (2007)

Director: Tae-kyeong Kim
Rating: 4/5

I've seen many bloggers doing challenges. I wanted to do one, but I couldn't find any that were still active, so I decided to do my own. For the next seven days, I will watch nothing but foreign movies. If you'd like to join me in this challenge, just let me know so I can check out what you're doing and follow you if I haven't already. Today's entry in the Foreign Movie Challenge is Muoi: the Legend of a Portrait.

One hundred years ago, a girl named Muoi fell in love with a handsome artist. He starting painting a portrait of her, but was unable to finish it. Muoi found out that her lover was engaged to a jealous wealthy woman. His fiance tracked Muoi down and tortured her; she had one of her legs broken, and poured acid on her. Instead of facing her lover when he returned, she hung herself and swore vengeance. Her spirit was banished into the unfinished portrait, where it remained for a short time. The seal was broken, however, and her spirit was unleashed. Her lover returned to where her portrait hung. It was said that a person could wake her up, and ask her to seek vengeance on someone who has wronged them. But there's always a price to pay.

In the present time, a young novelist from Korea--Yun-Hui--traveled to Vietnam to visit with a friend--Seo-Yeon--for help researching her second book. Her first book was about Seo-Yeon, and it was based on terrible rumors. While learning the legend of Muoi, strange things began to happen. Yun-Hui was having terrible dreams, hearing strange noises, and she started to believe in Muoi's legend. Seo-Yeon was angry because of Yun-Hui's book, and she was never able to forgive her. She wanted revenge. There was only one way to end the curse-either Yun-Hui or Seo-Yeon had to die. Or so she thought...



I really liked this one. I'd never heard of a haunted portrait, so that was new to me. It definitely had its terrifying moments, and I loved the story of Muoi. The terrible betrayal between Seo-Yeon and Yun-Hui's friends was tragic and sad, and made everything that much more understandable. The only problem I had with this one was that it took a little too long for the action to start. I love Asian horror, with all those jump-scares, and women with long black hair crawling around. It definitely had some of that, but it just took too long for me. The ending was wonderful, in an awful kind of way. I know one thing for sure: I will never betray an Asian person--EVER. Almost all the movies I've seen involve betrayal and a vengeful ghost, so they must be big on trust. Their ghost might not haunt me, but I'm sure there'd be hell to pay in some other fashion. So if there's one thing to learn from Asian horror movies, it's to be very nice to your Asian friends.

#116 -- It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To (2007)

Director: Tony Wash
Rating: 4/5

I'm all about some ghost stories lately, for some reason. Here's the thing about ghost stories: they're either really good or completely horrible. This one is pretty awesome. First, a little backstory. In the early 1900s, a man named Burkitt went bonkers and killed his family. He got his wife with a hacksaw, and his six children with a meat tenderizer. He arranged their heads around the dinner table, before sawing off his own arms and legs and joining them. Fast forward to the present...Sarah's having a halloween/birthday party in the long-abandoned Burkitt manor. Don't worry, I'm jealous of the whole birthday on Halloween thing too. But in this case, it's not such a good thing. See, Sarah's party was a surprise, and by the time she found out about it and showed up, half her friends were already dead. Oh, and these aren't your average ordinary ghosts. They're more like zombies. And once one of the friends got killed, they turned into one of them too. They didn't eat anyone, but they definitely looked more like zombies than ghosts.

_{Someone looked under a bed to find these two little bundles of joy. AHHH!}

I must mention that Sarah was sort of a karate master, so when the last of her friends died, she went all Bruce Lee on one of the ghost-zombies. It sounds kind of lame, but it really wasn't. Sarah was a bad-ass! And she was dressed as Elvira! Anyways, the fight kind of looked like a bar-fight, except the zillion stab wounds, and the fact that Sarah split the ghost in half with a katana. A couple more pluses for this movie: Tom Savini had a cameo as Sarah's friend's uncle Tom, the electrician. And, Sarah came home from school with a cardboard cut-out of Jason Voorhees that said "Happy birthday!" in a speech bubble. I'm so jealous!

My thoughts? This movie was great. One of the last lines was, "Hey, that's a big hammer." And then the guy gets said hammer (which was actually a meat tenderizer) to his face. The ending was one of those "Ain't that a bitch" deals, but I don't want to ruin anything, so I'll leave it at that.

WHAT WE'VE LEARNED:

• Don't have a halloween/birthday party in a haunted manor.
• Katanas and kung-fu skills are very effective against ghosts.
• In haunted houses, if you cut yourself on a nail, all of your skin will fall off and you will magically grow hair.

#115 -- The Unnamable (1988)

Director: Jean-Paul Ouellette
Rating: 4/5

There are things on God's earth that we can't explain and we can't describe. From the depths of Hell comes...The Unnamable.

Back in (I'm assuming) the 1800s, a man is keeping some kind of woman-beast locked away in his attic. It is constantly screaming, a truly terrifying screech. He is able to eventually quieten it, lets it out of its cell, and it rips his heart from his chest. Fast-forward to the 1988, and a couple of college kids try to decide whether the stories they've heard about the house are true. One of them decides to check it out, while the other two would rather not risk it and head back to campus. When their friend does not return the following day, they are forced to return to investigate. Along with Carter and Howard, there are four other students in the house. John and Bruce are checking the house out, because they plan to use it to pledge possible brothers into their fraternity; Wendy and Tanya are along for the ride. They soon discover that they're not alone in the house, and "something" is trying to kill them all. Carter is the bookworm of the group, and he spends the majority of the time in the living room reading old dusty books, in hopes that he will figure out just what the creature is and how to defeat it. It seems that the old man back in the 1800s, Mr. Winthrop, attempted to resurrect his dead wife using his trusty Necronomicon. She became The Unnamable beast.



The beast is sort of like a horse-dragon. It has hoofed feet, clawed hands and small wing-like things protruding from its back. It is so strange that it's almost comical, but no less frightening. It is actually quite terrifying. While the kids are either dead or trying desperately to find a way out of the house, Carter is out in the yard--in the tomb of Mr. Winthrop--calling on Tree-Spirits to protect them. While our last two surviving kids are struggling to evade the beast, trees burst through the windows and create a barrier between them.

Based on a short story by H.P. Lovecraft, The Unnamable is indeed an interesting movie. I really enjoyed it up until the trees attacked the beast. That's where it lost me, because that was a bit cheesy even for me. That doesn't mean I didn't thoroughly enjoy this movie, though. It was different and interesting, and it had me freaked out a little bit. I really fell in love with the character of Howard; I love when I can have feelings for a certain character, and feel for them and hope that they get out of it alive. The other characters were kind of dim, and Carter just got on my nerves (the way he talked was extremely annoying, and he was a bit condescending). Overall, this was a good movie. I've only read one story by Mr. Lovecraft, and that was the Cthulu Mythos. Now I am very interested in reading The Unnamable. I can only imagine how H.P. Lovecraft eloquently described the beast; I know it must be beautiful. If you're a fan of weird and strange things, definitely check this out. Mrs. Winthrop, the unnamable beast, is definitely a strange thing to behold.

#114 -- Don't Go In The Woods (2010)

Director: Vincent D'Onofrio
Rating: 3/5

I will be completely honest, I'm not quite sure how to go about this review. Don't Go In The Woods is a slowly paced musical slasher that got really confusing near the end. It is about a group of rock and roll hopefuls that sets out into the woods for some peace and quiet to write music. Nick, the front-man of this group, is the only one who seems to take their music seriously. When their girlfriends show up, intent on having a wild time, Nick becomes extremely angry and frustrated. He was a bit of an ass, but I could see his point. I would be angry too if I had a dream that no one took seriously. It takes about an hour for any real action to happen in this one. Most of the movie consists of the band sitting around and singing songs. The girls, too, sing songs. Everyone in this movie is a singer, apparently. The music was really good. That part, I at least liked. They were very talented, and I know they could have gone places with their music. Near the end of the movie, everyone starts getting killed. But since over half of the movie had already passed, the killing had to happen very quickly. It's a bit jumbled, and it was hard for me to keep track of who was left. The killer is a large man in a black coat and hat, wielding a sledgehammer.






Here's where it gets confusing. Ashley, Nick's girlfriend, is hurt by sledgehammer-man, and she starts seeing Nick covered in blood. I'm not sure if this was a precognitive image, or if she was just going crazy from blood-loss. I don't know if she was feeling that Nick was the killer, or if she was afraid Nick would be next. I believe it is the former, because there are other signs that he might have gone crazy. It did imply that Nick felt he needed to get rid of his band in order to be successful, but I can't be entirely sure. It was an interesting movie, with a few good kills, and like I said, the music was enjoyable. But the slow pacing made me forget that it was supposed to be a horror movie. If the kills had happened more quickly and viciously, and if there had been more suspense thrown in, this would have gotten four stars from me. But as it is, the ending just confused me too much.

If you throw away the knowledge that Don't Go In The Woods is supposed to be horror, you might enjoy it; but as a horror movie it falls short.

Life lessons from Don’t Go In The Woods

1. If you're going into the woods for some peace and quiet, the first thing you should do is chop up your cell phones with an axe. 
2. It wouldn't hurt to chop up one of your shoes too, just to make sure that your foot is injured enough so that it will be impossible to run away from the madman trying to kill you.
3. If you're an artist, take your art very seriously. A lack of determination just might kill you.

#113 -- The Open Door (2008)

Director: Doc Duhame
Rating: 4/5

Every 29 days, on the full moon, people call into a strange radio show. It is called The Open door, and it features an oracle that can grant wishes. Following these wishes, however, people start dying. These are considered murder/suicides, and there have been no survivors. Until now. Angelica has a crush on Brad, and Brad happens to like her too. He invites her to a party, where good things will hopefully happen, but unfortunately Angelica's parents forbid her to go. Angelica gets reports about the party from her best friend Staci, who is not a very good best friend. She lies to Angelica, as well as Brad, causing a little snag in their relationship. She also talks another girl, Heather, into forcing Brad to make out with her so that she can take pictures and send them to Angelica. It seems that Staci might have a thing for Brad, though it never really specifies. She's a bitch, though, that's for sure. Angelica is obviously upset (though she doesn't know yet that Staci is to blame), and she calls into The Open Door. They promise to grant her wishes: that her parents will stop interfering in her life, that Brad will tell her he loves her, for his stupid friends to stop picking on her, and for that whore Heather to never be able to touch him. The gang shows up at Angelica's house, planning on scaring the pants off of her, and they begin to die off one by one. Apparently, The Open Door sends some sort of demon over Angelica's way to possess one of her friends to kill one of her other friends.



This was another one of those, "I'm tired of looking, so I'll just watch this one" type of deals. As usual, this method of choosing yields a pretty good movie viewing experience. The story was unique and interesting, the suspense and build-up was nice, the effects were good. The acting was a bit lacking, but it was possible to overlook. The ghost/demon-thing was actually not visible; it was just a bit of fog floating through the air. It was able to drag people, push people, and other sorts of ghostly things, even if it could not be seen. But make no mistakes, The Open Door has some spooks in it, and it's definitely worth a viewing.

Life Lessons from The Open Door

1. Be careful what you wish for, and how you wish for it.
2. Weird and scary mannequin heads in your attic are sure to make you hurt yourself.
3. If you set a guy on fire in your garage, he runs around your yard for a little bit, and finally falls down onto your front porch...Your house actually will not burn down.

#112 -- The Legend of Lucy Keyes (2006)

Director: John Stimpson
Rating:3/5

250 years ago, a little girl named Lucy disappeared in the woods surrounding her family's farm. Her mother, Martha, went insane with grief. She roamed the woods every day, shouting her daughter's name. She believed that Lucy was abducted by Indians, and she spent her days tracking and killing all those she found on her property. People say that she can still be heard throughout the area, calling out for her daughter. Her soul could not rest until Lucy was found.

In the present, a new family movies into the Keyes' home. Jeanne and Guy, and their two daughters: Molly and Lucy. Lucy is a roamer; she likes to explore, and often gets out of her parents' sights. Jeanne is heard often calling out to her daughter. This makes Martha's spirit anxious, and she comes out more often, thinking that--maybe--someone has found her daughter. There is also the matter of Guy's work: he's planning on demolishing the forest to build windmills as an alternative energy source. This would make it near impossible for Martha to find her daughter. The present Lucy gets a gift from the past Lucy: a letter written to her parents describing her death. Lucy gains knowledge of where the other Lucy's body is, and she goes to find her. A land dispute, much like the one that killed Past Lucy, is occurring now and almost costs Present Lucy her life.




This movie seems more like a drama to me than a horror. It took way too long for anything good to happen. The ghost of Martha was downright creepy, and it was great; but it took over an hour for us to see her at all. The story of this movie was fantastic, and supposedly based on truth. The acting was superb, especially that of Present Lucy. It was well-make, but just a little on the slow side. I would have liked more action, and definitely a lot more Martha. This happens so much, it seems like. A movie that has a wonderful story but falls short because of the pacing. I would love to see this story done as a real horror movie. It has the potential to be extremely frightening, but it just wasn't. I was disappointed in the way it turned out.

Things to take away from the movie

1. Clam Bellies (whatever the hell that is) can be used to ward off spirits, because they don't like the smell.
2. Clam Bellies can also royally piss your neighbors off, because they don't like the smell.
3. The chances of a girl named Lucy moving into a house where a girl named Lucy disappeared and causing the spirit of her mother to become angry are apparently not as slim as you would think.
4. If you know the truth about ghosts, most people just assume you're batshit crazy. 
5. Never--I mean never-- take a woman's child away from her.

#111 -- Wake the Witch (2010)

Director: Dorothy Booraem
Rating: 3/5

A young girl, Deb, is out in the woods taking pictures of her friends--Trixie and Karen--for a photography assignment. They find some weird chains buried in the ground, and Trixie and Karen remember a story they knew when they were children. Way back, there was a woman accused of being a witch; the townspeople took her out into the woods, hanged her, and buried chains all over to keep her underground. It was said that if you follow the chains to the tree where she was hanged, walk around it three times and kiss your left hand, the witch will wake up and tell you your fortune. Trixie decides to try it out, even though there actually is no tree at all (she guesses that there was a tree there, but it moved somehow). Nothing happens, so they return home. Shortly afterward, though, strange things do begin to happen, the first of which is Deb's brother Mark getting really sick and acting weird. Deb notices that he's spending an awful lot of time out in the woods, so she decides to follow him, with the help of Trixie and Karen. On this trip, Trixie passes out and has a seizure, landing her in the hospital for the rest of the movie. The next time Deb decides to follow Mark, she brings only Karen--and Karen is kidnapped by a bunch of zombie-looking guys in hoodies.



She gets further help from Mark's roommate Brent, and they try to figure out what is going on together. It turns out that, back when the witch was a live, there was an epidemic around town, one much like what is happening to everyone Deb knows. I guess that has something to do with the witch, though it never really elaborates. Brent decides to check the supermarket to see if anything's going on over there (or maybe he was just hungry), and Deb sneaks off into the woods one last time. She goes down into a very large cavernous room and finds Mark there, with the corpse of the witch, trying to wake her. There's a hole in the wall that looks sort of like a portal into another dimension, and it is through this hole that the hoodie-wearing-zombies emerge. The zombie-guys drag Mark into the portal, and Deb must figure out how to get out of the tomb alive.

And she doesn't, really; I don't think. The ending made absolutely no sense to me at all. The rest of the movie was okay. It took a while for anything interesting to really happen, but that was okay. There was great character development with Deb, and I grew to really like her. Mark too, but that's just because he was a cutie pie. That is the main reason this movie kept my attention (the character of Deb, not her hot brother). I think it's a pretty good story, but it just didn't live up to its potential. Maybe if the writers had given a little more explanation of everything that was happening, it would have been better. Overall, it was decent but not amazing.

#110 -- Piranhaconda (2011)

Director: Jim Wynorski
Rating: 3/5

With a name like Pihranaconda, you should go into this knowing exactly what to expect. If you're picky and you want nothing but top-notch horror, don't even bother with this one. But if you put away your critic hat and sit back and relax, you just might enjoy this. It starts off with a herpetology professor from the University of Hawaii and his two assistants landing in the jungle. Professor is in search of some rare eggs that he has been hunting for twenty-some years. He's extremely excited when he finally finds them; he loads one up into a plastic container while his female colleague video-tapes it. The male colleague is mesmerized by the beautiful waterfall, so he is the first to witness the river-demon when she emerges to regain what is rightfully hers. After killing the two colleagues, she heads out to find the escaped professor, meanwhile coming across their helicopter pilot; she uncoils and grabs him--helicopter and all--from the sky. The professor runs wild through the jungle, until he meets up with a bunch of thugs who kidnap him and plan to keep him for a ransom.

Meanwhile, a film crew is busy making a horror movie called Headchopper, in which bikini-clad girls are hunted through the forest by a mask-wearing psycho. Their film is shortly shut down, and they head off to the hotel to relax. They'll soon learn, though, that a cancelled film is the least of their worries. They are also kidnapped by the group of thugs, in hopes that their rich studio will pay heaps of money to see to their safety (though they are a low budget film crew, and their studio doesn't give two shits about them).



That's when they finally meet the Piranhaconda. The good professor had been trying to warn them but, of course, everyone just thought he was, quote, "Cuckoo for psycho puffs." When they finally see the river demon with their own eyes, they start to look to the professor for answers. There's a double threat with this one: thugs who will kill them if they don't get their money, and a demon snakefish who just wants to eat them.

Overall, this movie is pretty bad. The acting is bad, the effects are bad, the script is bad (though seriously funny at some parts). But it's definitely entertaining. The pihranaconda is awesome! I love giant animals, so this one was a treat for me. What it is is a giant snake with a piranha-like head. It can crush its victims, swallow them whole, or rip them apart with its mouth full of razor sharp teeth.

If you're even considering watching this movie (you'll find it on the Sci-Fi channel), there's something you should understand about creature features: they're silly. They don't try to be serious. They're there to entertain, test our imaginations, and stretch reality a bit. It might be braindead entertainment, but it's still entertainment. So if you're not into lame movies, you should stay away from Piranhaconda (even if you do like lame movies you should stay away from Piranhaconda, 'cause that bitch'll eat you faster than you can say, "No please don't!")--or creature features in general. I was entertained, you might be too.