#225 -- The Uninvited (2009)

Rating: 3 / 5
Directors: Charles Guard & Thomas Guard

I hate when this happens, I really do. I can't stand seeing a remake before I see the original, but it happens so often to me. When I first saw this, I just knew that it was originally an Asian horror movie. But when I looked around, I couldn't find anything. So I just figured I was wrong. This time around, though, I found it. It's a remake of a 2003 movie from South Korea called A Tale of Two Sisters. I've known about the movie for a while, but I never put two and two together, and now I feel like an ass. I know that remakes very rarely live up to their Asian originals, but with this one, I don't have any real reason to say that it's not as good--except for that I just assume it's not automatically. Eventually, I'll see the original. But as for right now, I think this one is all right. It has its issues, but it's not a completely un-entertaining movie.

It's about Anna, a girl whose sick mother died in a tragic house fire. She can't remember the accident, and she's been in a mental hospital ever since, and she's plagued by nightmares she can't explain. Her doctor decides, though, that she's ready to go back home. I'm not really sure why. She was still having the nightmares, and she still couldn't remember what happened. She didn't seem insane, but I don't think that she was quite ready to go back home. Maybe he just thought being back home would help her remember. So, she returns home to discover that her father is going to marry the woman who helped take care of her mother. She doesn't like Rachel, and neither does Ann'a sister Alex. She slowly begins to remember bits and pieces of the accident, and she and Alex are convinced that Rachel had something to do with it. They do some digging, and discover that Rachel isn't who she says she is. They think that she is actually a woman named Mildred Kemp, a nanny who murdered the children of her employer, because she had become obsessed with him. They believe that's what she's trying to do to them: kill them so that she can have their father all to herself.

When their father leaves for a business trip, things get out of hand. The girls are drugged, the police are involved, and Rachel ends up dead. There's a twist at the end that really should have been expected all along, but I think they did a good job masking it. There were actually two parts to the twist, one of which was a little more obvious than the other. It's not entirely shocking, and it's not one of those "Oh my god!" moments, but it's okay. Overall, I thought it was a pretty good movie.

I think remakes of Asian horror have one main problem: that they're remakes of Asian horror. For fans of the genre, even if you haven't seen the original, I think some will go into it assuming that it's bad. If you assume something is going to be bad, you're probably going to find reasons to prove yourself right. I know I'm guilty of it, especially with Asian horror. So, I think it might actually be good thing that I haven't seen the original. I went into it not really expecting anything, so I enjoyed it. Had I seen the original first, I probably wouldn't have liked it. Maybe it's not a good thing. Maybe I'm just making excuses because I feel like an ass for not having seen A Tale of Two Sisters before I saw this. But either way, I thought The Uninvited was an interesting movie, with a few problems that made it kind of dull--but not completely. Emily Browning, who went on to star in Suckerpunch, was Anna; Arielle Kebbel, from American Pie's Band Camp played Alex; and Elizabeth Banks, who everyone knows, was Rachel. So it had some pretty good actors in it, but I don't think they fully got into their roles. Elizabeth Banks was pretty creepy, and I think it might have been better as an original movie with her as a crazy serial killer. But alas, it is what it is.

Okay, final words. If you're a fan of the original, honestly you probably won't like this. I don't say that because I know anything about the original; I say it because I know how people are, including myself. But, if you're new to it, like me, you might just enjoy it.

#224 -- The Hills Run Red (2009)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Dave Parker

I am terribly guilty of judging movies by their covers. If a movie has something cool or creepy on the cover, I will be running to see it. That's how I felt about The Hills Run Red. I'd seen the cover a million times, and I always thought that doll face was creepy as hell. Often I'm let down when this happens, but there are a few rare occasions where the cover isn't the best thing about the movie. This is one of those occasions.

While The Hills does have its problems, it is definitely a wonderful movie. It's got scares and gross-outs; it has its unsettling moments, and has scenes that will appeal to all gore whores like myself. Some of the scenes and ideas are downright disturbing, but that's what made me love it. It's also the kind of horror movie that pokes fun at horror movies. The characters make fun of horror movie cliches, while at the same time, they are horror movie cliches. Much like in Scream, when Sidney said she hated when girls in horror movies ran upstairs, and then she turned around and ran up the stairs when Ghostface came after her. It's the same kind of idea. It doesn't work quite as well here as it did in Scream, but it did work.

The story followed Tyler (Tad Hilgenbrink, who I know as Matt Stifler from American Pie's Band Camp), a horror movie enthusiast intent on locating an old, out of print movie. The movie was called The Hills Run Red, and it was said that it was so terrifying and disturbing that it was removed from theaters and vanished forever. It was about a killer named Babyface, who apparently kept and stored the bodies of his victims. The only thing that was left of the movie was a trailer, so that's all anyone really knew about it. After twenty years, Tyler figured it was time that someone found it. There were only a few people in the world who had actually seen the movie, and all of the cast members were never heard from after its release. Its director, Mr. Concannon, was also never heard from again. The only link Tyler had to the movie was Concannon's daughter, Alexa. Tyler tracked her down, only to discover that she was a drug addicted stripper. He cleaned her up, and she promised to lead them to her father's old house, where the movie was stored.

The house was truly in the middle of nowhere. They drove through a small town, and through the woods. Then they had to park their car and hike through the woods to get to the house. They set up camp at night, and they were ambushed by a couple of rednecks. The rednecks wanted to make a porn movie, because that's where the real money was, and they tied the group up and attempted to rape Alexa. But that's when Babyface showed up. He killed the rednecks, and Alexa fled. Babyface chased after her, leaving the others to escape. Their cell phones actually did work way out in the woods, but they were so far in that it was impossible to tell the 911 operator where they were. They could have gone back to their car, but they were too worried about Alexa, and they went after her. They eventually did find Concannon's house, and Concannon himself, only to realize that he was crazy as hell. It turns out, his "movie" was real, and he had been filming it for the last twenty years.

There was a twist that everyone should have seen coming, but it wasn't disappointing in any way. It involved an inbred family of crazies, but not like what we're used to. It wasn't like Wrong Turn; they didn't want to eat anyone. They just wanted to make a movie that was actually realistic. It also involved a boy who was so devoted to his family's craft that he cut his own face off and sewed on a porcelain doll mask in its place.

I really enjoyed The Hills Run Red. I'm glad that I decided to buy it, because I wasn't disappointed at all. I wish they would have done more with Babyface, because I think he could have been a lot more terrifying than he was. Other than that, I have no problems. The actors all did a wonderful job, I think. Director Dave Parker, and writers John Carchietta, John Dombrow, and David J. Schow also did a great job. The ending was actually really good, disturbing, and hinted at a sequel (hopefully) in the future. Overall, I thought it was a really wonderful movie, and I can't wait to see more of Babyface.

#223 -- Fright Night (2011)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Craig Gillespie

I was kind of hesitant about this one, because I really enjoyed the original. That being said, it really wasn't as bad as I feared. I know a lot of people probably  hate it, but I'm not one of them. The difference, I think, is that I didn't grow up with the original. I didn't see it until I was probably around sixteen, so I don't really have any emotional attachments to it. I'm not saying the remake is better than the original, because it's not even close. I'm just saying that it really wasn't all that bad. I had a couple of problems with the movie, mostly the characters, but for the most part, it was okay.

My biggest problem was the relationship between Charlie and Evil Ed. In the original, they were best friends. I could tell that they hind the kind of relationship that I had with my best friend in high school. The rip-your-head-off kind of best friends, but they're there for each other when the time comes. But in this one, they weren't friends at all. They had been friends at one point, but Charlie abandoned Ed to get in with the popular crowd. Amy was one of the hot girls, but she wasn't annoying. I actually liked her better than the original Amy, because she was a strong female character. But Charlie was a cool guy; he wasn't the dorky kid we remember from the original. Ed was still a nerd (he was played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who was McLovin'), but he was kind of an asshole, and he wasn't as awesome or silly as Stephen Geoffreys. It was Ed who believed that Jerry was a vampire, not Charlie. Charlie thought he was nuts, and it wasn't until Ed disappeared (because he was changed really fast) that Charlie started to believe him. I didn't like Jerry as much, either. Sure, Colin Ferrell is much better looking than Chris Sarandon, but that didn't make the character more likable. Jerry, in the original, was a classy fellow. He was polite, and he pretty much stayed to himself until Charlie started digging around. In this one, he wasn't afraid of letting people know what he was. And he was kind of a whore. When Charlie caught up with Peter Vincent, I wasn't too fond with the direction they took with him either. I liked Peter in the original. Here, he was a sort of Criss Angel wannabe, and he was a drunk whore too. He was really quick to believe Charlie's story, unlike the real Peter Vincent, who took quite a bit of convincing (and for a while only pretended to believe to appease Charlie).

So, the only characters I didn't really have a problem with were Charlie, Amy, and Charlie's mom. Charlie was different, but not really in a bad way. I liked the dorky Charlie, but cool Charlie wasn't bad. Amy and Ms. Bruster were cool chicks, and I didn't have a problem with them at all.

Even though I had some problems with how they changed it, overall, I didn't think it was that bad. It still had a little bit of humor, though not nearly as much as the original. It didn't have the awesome cheesy gore, like the original either. I did think that Jerry's true vampire form looked better in this one (I really didn't like how he looked in the original), but Amy...Amy was fucking awesome in the original. When she transformed, it was weird and terrifying. They tried to keep it that way in this one, but it just didn't quite work as well. This one didn't have quite as much charm as the original did, but I can't really fault it for that. The '80s was a decade full of awesome horror movies, and they just cannot be copied.

It is absolutely impossible for me to watch remakes and pretend they're not remakes. I can't look at them as if they're original, because they're not. So, I don't even try anymore. I have to compare the two. So, did I think the remake lived up to the original? Not by a long shot. But as far as remakes go, it really wasn't all that bad. I've definitely seen worse (like A Nightmare on Elm Street, for instance). I would choose the original any day.

#222 -- The Grudge (2004)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Takashi Shimizu

I'm finally starting to recognize a few Japanese directors. It's a really good thing, because I love Japanese horror, but I never really know what to look for as far as who knows what they're doing. I did notice that Sam Raimi is one of the producers, which always gives me high hopes. Ted Raimi had a small role in the movie, too, of course. But anyways, back to the my Japanese directors. I know Takashi Miike is wonderful, but I'm still on the fence about Shimizu. The only other of his films I've seen is Marebito, and I didn't enjoy that one very much. Ju-On, however, I really did enjoy. I wouldn't call it one of my favorite movies, though, which is why I also really enjoy the remake. This is one of the few remakes (especially of Japanese horror) that I feel is just as good as the original, and that's probably because they were both directed by Shimizu. I think that, if an American had tried his/her hands at the remake, it wouldn't have been as good. Americans are very good when it comes to blood and guts and a lot of gore, but the kings and queens of creepiness definitely goes to the folks in Japan. Maybe Japanese people are just creepy by nature, I'm not sure. But they sure as hell know how to creep the fuck out of me.

I think at this point, people know what this is all about. Whether you're a fan of the original, or you've seen the remake, everyone knows about Kayako. It is Japanese legend that when someone dies in anger or sorrow, that the anger remains. So, when Kayako was murdered (along with her son and their cat) by her jealous husband, that rage stayed in their house. A family moved in three years later; two of them were killed, and one was left mute and presumably insane. Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and her boyfriend, Doug (Jason Behr) were exchange students from America, and Karen volunteered at a care center. She was sent to the house to look over the elderly woman I mentioned earlier, because the woman's former care-taker was missing (she was up in the attic with Kayako). As soon as she entered the house, she knew something was wrong. She finally met Toshio, the young boy who had been murdered, and Kayako. The old woman was killed, and Karen was hospitalized briefly. It didn't leave her insane, but it did leave her with a sense of purpose. She was determined to learn the story of Kayako and Toshio, and to figure out why their spirits couldn't leave the house.

She did some digging, and found that Kayako had fallen in love (or was obsessed with) an American college professor (Bill Pullman). The professor was married, and probably didn't share her feelings. But when Kayako's husband learned of it, he was outraged. He killed her, drowned their son and his cat, and then hung himself. Karen thought burning the house to the ground would end the curse. But the house was not destroyed, and neither was the grudge. Because we all know that the only person who can end a grudge is the person who holds it. And, personally, I don't think Kayako will ever get over being murdered by her own husband.

I think this series of movies has become a legend if not only for its sound effects. As if corpse-like women crawling down stairs in very unnatural positions isn't scary enough, there had to be even more terrifying sound effects. There was Toshio's angry cat sounds, and Kayako's death rattle. That death rattle is completely terrifying, because...well, I don't really know why. I think that might be what it sounds like when someone's dying, and it definitely meant death to all who heard it. Maybe just because it's so foreign; we don't hear sounds like that everyday, and we know what it means for the characters. When we hear it, we shudder, because we can imagine the long, black hair and the deathly woman who comes crawling from around the corner after it.

If you take nothing else from The Grudge, it at least gives you a new way to torture your easily frightened friends. Just throw a little death rattle at them, and watch them piss their pants waiting for Kayako to get them.

#221 -- Masters of Horror: Pick Me Up (2006)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Larry Cohen

I think this is the first movie I saw from Masters of Horror. So, since this was the one that got me into it, it has a special place in my heart. It's not my favorite of the bunch, but it will always be the one that started it all.

It started off like any typical horror movie. There was a group of people on a bus going who knows where. The bus broke down, leaving the group stranded. One girl left, saying that she couldn't wait for help to arrive because she had something way too important to do. Two of the group went with a trucker to the nearest trading post, and the other two stayed with the bus driver. Those two and the bus driver met with a cowboy who killed them all. The cowboy was played by Warren Kole from the new TV show Common Law. He was a nut case, for sure. He was a professional hitchhiker, I guess you could say. He hitched rides with people, then he killed them and stole their vehicles. One girl he took to a hotel, tied her up, and started cutting her skin off. The girl who ran away from the group happened to be in the room next door, and she just thought it was a couple getting rowdy. Next to her was the trucker that picked up the other two. He had already killed them, and he realized that there was someone else out there taking his victims. The girl was strong; she was a fighter, they both knew it. And they both wanted her.

She was trapped between the two of them, and it didn't seem like she'd ever get away. What started off like a typical horror movie turned into a serial killer vs. serial killer type of thing. It was really interesting. In the end, I thought the girl might have a chance, but I was wrong. The message this story has to tell is that everyone is fucking crazy. You're not safe from anyone, no matter how safe you might think you are.

At just under an hour, this entry into MoH is just as good as a lot of full length movies I've seen, and better than a lot of them. That's no surprise, though, because all the Masters of Horror movies are like that. They're not long, but they pack a  hell of a story, and they're all wonderful. Some are not as good as others, but I've yet to see one that I thought was bad.

Warren Kole was amazing, and he gave me that funny feeling that I like. He was one of those guys that I see so often in horror movies; the kind that are so damn crazy that it's sexy. Maybe it's just me, but I'm way attracted to crazy guys (at least, as long as they're nowhere near me). The trucker reminded me of Jack Nicholson, for some reason. One of the girls, Birdie, made me think of Suzanne Somers. So there really was only one familiar face in this one, but there were faces that made me think of other faces.

While I wouldn't call this one the best, it's definitely good. Netflix removed all the MoH movies, after having them available forever. But you can watch this one, and probably a few others, on Youtube. Pick Me up is a solid four stars, because it's different, interesting, and it's very well done. But, if you're a fan of the series, I definitely don't have to tell you that.

#220 -- Nine Lives (2002)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Rodrigo Garcia

I've known about this movie for a long time, but I was never interested in seeing it. I'm not sure why, but it just didn't seem like something I'd enjoy. Now that I have seen it, I definitely understand. It's not a bad story, that part is actually pretty good, the problem was...Well, I'm not really sure what the problem was; I just didn't dig it. I think it was the fact that there was only one character I gave a shit about, and he ended up annoying me in the end anyway. But honestly, it was just kind of boring.

It was about a group of friends who go to a nice, big house in Scotland for a birthday party. One of them found an old book, telling the story of the man who used to own the house. His name was Murray, I think, and he was involved in a war between Scotland and Europe. Europe wanted to steal Scotland's land, or something. During the war, Murray was tortured, and he had his eyes cut out and fed to him. When the book was opened, his soul was unleashed. The guy who opened the book was possessed. His eyes turned black, and he tried to kill the guy that was in the room with him. That guy killed him, though, and then Murray possessed him. So, if someone killed whoever was currently possessed, then that person became possessed. It's an interesting idea, I'll give it that. It made things really hard on the characters. They didn't know who to trust. And when one of their friends tried to kill them, they knew that they'd become possessed afterwards. But they couldn't resist the urge to kill them. Kill or be killed, and let's face it, all of us would do the same thing.

In the end, they figured that, if they killed themselves before the person they killed died, the chain would be broken. Fucking genius. Why didn't anyone think of it sooner? Could've saved a couple of lives, dont'cha think?

The characters were completely forgettable. Notice that the only name I've stated is Murray. That's because I can't really remember the rest of them. I remember Laura, the main character, and Jo (played by Paris Hilton, who thankfully was the first to go). But the rest could be anything from Pedro to Ramma-lamma-ding-dong, for all I know. I do remember that the main character, Laura, got on my nerves. She elected herself leader of the group when people started dying. She bossed everyone around, and they had to do exactly what she said at all times. Personally, I would've taken her out just to shut her up. But anyways, when I can't remember the characters' names, that's a sign to me that the movie wasn't doing its job. I just didn't give a shit, honestly. I wasn't interested, even though the story was good, like I said. There wasn't anything about it scary or remotely creepy. Yeah, when they became possessed, their eyes turned black, but it wasn't anything amazing. The kills were boring, the characters were boring, and I couldn't even give it my full attention. It became background noise while I played the Sims on my Kindle. I was more interested in characters I created than the ones on the screen.

#219 -- Fear of Clowns (2004)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Kevin Kangas

The fear of clowns, or coulrophobia, is easy to explain. It is the fear of something that's just not right. Clowns are supposed to be silly, fun and entertaining. They're supposed to bring laughter, not fear. So when a clown becomes menacing, becomes a murderer, the idea is absolutely terrifying. It's just not right. It is something that some people, as children, loved. We've all seen them at the circus, or had them at our birthday parties, and they've made us laugh and giggle. Hell, I've got a clown in my family. They're all fun and games until they rip your heart out. I know, because I used to be terrified of them, as I'm sure everyone has. I grew out of it, and grew to love them, but I still realize that they can be damn scary. The clown in this movie, however, doesn't scare  me one bit. He is menacing, he is creepy, he is strong, and his weapon of choice should instill fear in even the bravest of hearts. But there are a couple of things that make him completely un-scary for me. Okay, maybe just one thing, but we'll get to that a bit later. First, let's take a look at the movie.

It's about an artist named Lynn who paints scary clown for a living. I'm not sure what her fixation on clowns is all about. I don't think she was afraid of them to begin with, but I can't be sure. I can be sure, though, that she grew terrified of them rather quickly. First she saw the clown outside her window. She passed out and woke up with the cops by her side. He did come into her house, but he didn't harm her in any way. Then people around her started dying. First it was a family that lived a couple houses down, then a friend, and another friend, and her boss, and eventually her husband. I must point out that you shouldn't feel sad that her husband was killed. They were in the middle of a divorce, he was attempting to take everything from her (including their son), and he hired someone to kill her, probably to get the life insurance money. He didn't hire the clown to kill her, but you'll learn that Clown and Husband were connected.

The clown had nothing against Lynn that I could tell. He was crazy. He had been seeing a psychiatrist because he heard voices and such, and he thought that killing her would make him all better. I think maybe he just saw her and latched onto her; his messed up brain gave him the idea of killing her to cure himself. Lynn had the help of her new boyfriend, Tuck, along with a detective who reminded me of Bruce Campbell. The action culminated in a movie theater. Tuck apparently knew someone who worked there, and he was able to get into the place after it closed. Probably not a good idea considering the situation. It probably wasn't a good idea to leave their cell phones at home, either, but hey! It's a horror movie, and stupid things must be done.

Which brings me to the characters. Of course they did some stupid things; that's the norm when it comes to horror movies. We expect those stupid things to be done, and we enjoy making fun of the characters for doing them. It's not a big deal. For the most part, their actions were believable, and most of the characters were at least somewhat likable.

Now let's talk about the clown who they call Shivers. I said that he doesn't scare me, but it's not because he wasn't a good clown. He was definitely menacing, and there were some good, creepy scenes in here. But my problem is the way he looks. He's got the clown make-up, and it's actually really good. He's got a crooked mouth with big teeth, the big eyebrows, and the cute little cheeks. He wears that frilly thing around his neck, red patchwork pants, the white gloves, and the big shoes. But he wears no shirt. I guarantee that you'll never see another clown like this. He is ripped; big and muscular, and pretty damn sexy. So, my heart fluttered every time he showed up, but not in fear. He was too hot to be scary. So I guess it's not really a problem at all; I actually quite enjoyed it. Oh, and he carried a big battle axe. Plus. 

All in all, I think Fear of Clowns was a really good movie. There were some nice tense scenes, some nice suspense, and some awesome paintings that I would love to have hanging around my house (but with my boyfriend's own little bout of coulrophobia, I doubt that will ever happen). You should definitely see this movie. If you're scared of clowns, or if you just like muscular men in clown make-up (in other words, if you're weird like me), then it should definitely be on your list of must-see movies.

#218 -- Dark Fields (2009)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Douglas Schulze

Dark Fields is about a curse that haunts a farming community. It follows three different generations, and explains next to nothing. It is definitely an interesting premise, but I just didn't understand it. Maybe it's just me, but it didn't make any sense.

Each curse began when a farmer from the community dug up an old top hat, and the curse was ended when the top hat was buried again. I have no clue why the top hat was so special, who it belonged to, or why it was cursed. I do know who began the curse, though. It was an old shaman whose children were killed. So, each time the top hat is found, the people in the community got really sick. And the "illness" was hereditary, so even if someone was out of town, or moved away, they'd still get it. The story follows a college girl who got really nervous when her fingernails fell off and these weird black marks appeared on her skin. So she returned home for answers from her parents. Their answer to the problem was to dance in the rain. Water was the only cure for the illness, and they had ways to make sure that it wold rain when they needed it to.

Remember the shaman I mentioned? The one that lost his children? Well, his answer to that was to make other people kill their own children. So Cari's parents told her the only way to rid herself of the curse was to make it rain, and the only way to make it rain was to kill her little brother. They had already killed her other two brothers, but I guess it didn't rain enough. My question is this: what do a top hat, rain, and killing children have anything to do with each other? Was the shaman trying to get revenge on whoever killed his children? Because that was never fully explained. And if water was the only cure, why not take a fucking bath? I mean, isn't the exact same thing? Certain people would just pour water over their faces to get rid of the sickness, but at the same time they desperately needed that rain. It makes no sense.

Anyways, Cari refused to kill her brother, because she was, obviously, the smartest person in the entire town. Or she was just the only one who wasn't willing to sacrifice an innocent child to save herself. She did kill her father, as he was attempting to kill her brother, and then she and her brother went on the run. Since she couldn't get the job done, the town sent some crazy man after them to kill her brother. He was a zombie, or a vampire, or something. He was present in all three time-periods, and he liked to eat peoples' flesh. I don't know what the deal was with him. He was just a random zombie man in the middle of random stupidity. Oh, and I have another question.

If everyone knew that burying the top hat would end the curse, instead of killing all their children, why wouldn't they just bury the fucking top hat? Why go through all the trouble, all the pain, and all the murder when it could be easily avoided? Because the townspeople were stupid, and the writers were just as dumb. What the characters do makes no sense. If a simple girl like me can figure this shit out, people who've known about the curse since the 1800s should surely be able to learn. But no, they just don't. I have a problem with characters being completely stupid, because it makes the whole movie less realistic to me. Seriously, would any sane person kill their child rather than bury the top hat? I know I'd do anything I possibly could to make sure that my child wasn't hurt, and I'd sure as hell not hurt my child myself. So, if there was such a simple solution, I'd go for that. I think everyone would, except for these dumb shits. It's just not right.

This movie did have a couple of things going for it, but it doesn't make it any more enjoyable. One was David Carradine, who played one of the townspeople back in the 1800s. The effects were also pretty good. When the people were effected by the sickness, the changes looked pretty awesome. And that weird zombie guy looked pretty cool. But all of that was not enough to save it from its own stupidity. In the end, Cari buried the top hat and sent all the children away (because only adults got the illness). Everyone else died. The end, good riddance. I apologize for the spoiler, but you really should be thanking me for saving you from having to watch this mess.

Zombie Walk 2012: Examining the Zombie and Surviving the Apocalypse

Everyone's seen zombies as we know them now, and everyone has their own personal idea of the perfect zombie and ways to survive when they overrun the planet. Everyone is different in their opinions, view-points, deas, strategies, and so on. Here are my ideas.

Distinguishing young zombies from old ones

Zombies are always seen as slow, dumb creatures, but I don't think that's right. They are the living dead, and I think they should be portrayed accordingly. Zombies exist because, for whatever reason, their brains have been re-animated. But they're still dead, so things are naturally going to decompose. Someone who died two days ago shouldn't be quite as decomposed as someone who bit the bullet twenty years ago. Rigor mortis is what happens when the blood in the body starts to pool in certain spots. This causes the limbs to stiffen, making it difficult to move. This usually happens three to six hours after death. So if someone happened to die right before the zombie pandemic started, they would still be pretty fresh. One week after death, the skin body will start to become very brittle, and parts may fall off at the slightest touch. So younger zombies would be less fragile. The younger zombies would also still have all of their hair, nails, and teeth. Those don't go until one month after death. Also, since full decompositon has not yet occurred, I think it's safe to say that the brain will still be partially in-tact, allowing for a higher intelligence than older zombies.

So an older zombie would move very slowly; it would have no hair, nails, or teeth; its eyes would be bulging from their sockets, its tongue protruding from its mouth; and it would smell something awful. Since it has no teeth or nails, it would be 100% harmless, unless it plans to gum you to death. Zombies aren't known for working together (some people think they hunt in packs, but I don't think they're hunting together; they're competing.), so I don't think any other zombies are going to be feeding you to their older counterparts. Plus, these zombies will be extremely close to full decomposition, and will soon become a skeleton--no brain = no life. That zombie will soon be dead anyway, so don't even bother.

Look for zombies that still look somewhat human; they will be the younger ones that can truly cause some severe damage. They will be much harder to kill than the older ones, but they're also a lot more dangerous. Also look for pregnant zombies. I know it's horrible to think about: killing a pregnant woman. But it's the apocalypse, and she's not really a woman anymore anyway. Try to watch out for a fetus somewhere. There's a process known as coffin birth, where gases that build up after death cause the fetus to be expelled from the body. If there's no fetus, then the lady has been dead for a good while. If the fetus is still inside the woman, then she might be a problem.

Hiding vs. Fighting

Both hiding and fighting might be good strategies, but it should depend on which sort of zombie you're dealing with. If you're messing around with the younger zombies, you could either hide or fight. If they can't find you, they can't kill you. Keep in mind that these are still walking corses, and while they're smarter and faster than other zombies, their brains still aren't as sharp as yours. Their attention spans will still be somewhat short, and they should lose interest rather quickly. But then again, they're the ones you need to be concerned about, so killing them is an extremely good idea, if you can pull it off. That all depends on what type of person you are. If you're proactive, you want to save yourself and your loved ones (if there are any left), get out there and kick some zombie ass. If you're more laid back (or chicken), then...grow a pair, get out there and kick some zombie ass. Don't hide from these guys, beause if they do happen to find you, you're in a world of trouble.

When it comes to the older zombies...it really doesn't matter. If they're close enough to being fully decomposed, they won't be able to hurt you anyway. They should be really easy to kill, though, so why not get rid of them? Put them out of their misery. Or you could hide, and leave them alone to starve to death, rot, and turn to dust. Then you'll be free to wander the streets as you please (as long as you've already killed all the younger ones, which I doubt). There's no way to tell how close they are to full decomposition, though, unless you're a doctor, so that isn't the best path to take. So stop being a chicken, and get out there and fight!

Choosing a Weapon

Guns are cool, I guess, but they shouldn't be your main source of weaponry. You should have them in stock, yes, but you souldn't rely only on guns to keep you safe. They should only be used as a last resort, when you're faced with a horde and have to kill a lot of zombies really quickly. Here are some smarter weapons to keep in your armory.

Crossbow--Long-range weapons are the best way to go. As long as you practice and you've got a good aim, there's no going wrong with a crossbow. It will be effective (just aim for the head), and you'll keep yourself out of harm's way. When you've killed the zombie, you can retrieve your arrow, securing a never-ending supply off ammo. These would be best used for younger zombies. They would work just as well, but you could kill an older zombie with just about anything. With younger ones, you want to be as far away as possible, while still getting the kill shot.

Machete/Sword--If you're confident in your abilities, these could be used for younger zombies as well. They're fairly long-range, and as long as you make sure to keep them ultra sharp, they can chop off a zombie head with the greatest of ease.


Baseball bat/crowbar--These should only be used for older zombies. You'll have to be pretty close to get some hits, and you'll have to be pretty strong to actually bash their brains in. If you're dealing with younger zombies, they'll be digesting your brains before you can get the second hit in.

Knife--I wouldn't feel safe with nothing but a knife in my arsenal. They should be okay for older zombies, since they have no teeth or nails to hurt you with. But for younger zombies? You won't even stand a chance. I'd throw away the knives and get something bigger and stronger if you want to survive.

Whatever you do, don't try to kill a zombie with your bare hands. You might be successful one time out of ten, and those aren't very good odds. Get some good weapons, and get out there and kick some zombie ass!

So, you've survived the zombie apocalypse?

Congratulations! Don't let the human race become extinct. Once you've eliminated the zombie threat, get out there and repopulate. It's your responsibility as the last living members of the race to ensure its growth and survival.

Be sure to check out everyone else participating in the Zombie Walk!

Zombies Everywhere


[Retro-Zombie]


Halloween Blues


The Southern Northerner


Martha's Journey


Annie Walls


GingerRead Review


App'y Talk


Kweeny Todd


Jenny's House of Horrors


Bubba's Place


Fictional Candy


herding cats & burning soup


Author Sherry Soule Blog


Paranormal research Group Blog


Adult Urban Fantasy by Sherry Soule


Moonlight Publishing Blog


Candid Canine


Ghost Hunting Theories


Above the Norm


A Dust Bunny In The Wind


Faith McKay


Zombob's Zombie News & Movie Reviews


Flesh From The Morgue


The Living Dark


Some One Else's Cook


Stumptown Horror


Forget About TV, Grab a Book


Zombie Dating Guide


Strange State


The Paranormalist - Renae Rude


Idée Fixe


Random Game Crafts


WhiteRoseBud's Tumblr


Gnostalgia


Book Me!


Carmen Jenner Author


Sarasota Zombie Pub Crawl


Not Now...Mommy's Reading


Love is a Many Flavored Thing


Its On Random


Ellie Potts


Attention Earthlings!


Horror Shock LoliPOP


The Spooky Vegan


The Story In...


DarkSide Detectives Blog


Something wicKED this way comes....


Julie Jansen: science fiction and horror writer


Author/screenwriter James Schannep


The Zombie Lab


Creepy Glowbugg


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Midnyte Reader


This Blog Has A.D.D.


Carol's Creations


Jeremy Bates

#217 -- The Shadow Walkers (2006)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Mark Steven Grove

IMDB says this movie is quote, "very suspenseful," and I guess it is pretty suspenseful, but...not really. It's an okay movie with a not-so-unique premise that will not shock you at all. That being said, I only really have one big problem with it.

It was about a group of geneticists working on some sort of experiment. They were mutating people to, I believe, use them as soldiers in the army. We get flashbacks of the doctors and scientists working on the experiment, and that is how we figure out what's going on. Whatever they did to them made them strong, intelligent, and really horny. They reverted back to primal, animalistic ways, while still maintaining their high intelligence. Even so, there was only one subject that went according to planned; only one that could be maintained, trained, and controlled. The rest went mad. Not only were there personalities mutated, but their bodies were mutated as well, turning them into horrendous monsters. They were like zombies; they ate the living, transformed the living through bites, craved flesh, and were drawn to the scent of blood.

When it was obvious that the creatures were not going to be able to be maintained, they were sent to an underground genetic storage facility. Along with the creatures were certain doctors and scientists, and they also trapped the man they sent to lock everyone else away. These people woke up, unsure of where they were, and completely oblivious as to what was happening to them. All they knew was that the creatures were hunting them, and they had to find a way to get out before they were all eaten or transformed into monsters themselves.

See what I mean by not-so-unique? There are tons of movies involving government facilities and experiments gone wrong. Almost all of those involve zombies, or creatures that try to pretend they're not zombies (like these, those it's painfully obvious). With the character development, we knew right away who was going to make it out alive. We had the strong man that everyone depended on, the strong woman, the hot woman, the woman no one cares about, the man no one cares about, and the asshole. The two no one cares about are always killed pretty quickly; the beautiful woman, though we root for her, is almost always killed; and the asshole always makes it longer than we'd like, but he's killed eventually. So it's obvious who is going to live; thankfully, it's the two characters we care about more than the others.

The biggest problem I have with this one is that it's hard to understand. I got the basics of it, which I guess was the point, but I'm not sure. During the flashbacks, there was too much scientific mumbo jumbo, and I didn't understand a word of it. Cell membranes, blah blah blah, a bunch of things I've never heard of and probably never will. But that doesn't matter, I guess, because I still got the jist of the situation.

I will say that the shadow walkers did look pretty cool. They had those gigantic teeth and everything, and they were definitely primal. The make-up could have been better, because I could tell where it ended and the person's natural skin began, which kind of diminished the fear factor for me. But I can deal with that; I'm no stranger to bad effects. These weren't bad--I did like how they looked--but they could have been a little better.

I probably would have liked this movie a lot more had I seen it a long, long time ago. At this point, I've seen so many movies with the same story that it's hard to really enjoy it. It wasn't bad; there are just too many others like it.

#216 -- Killjoy (2000)

Rating: 2.5 / 5
Director: Craig Ross Jr.

Let me explain to you how I choose the movies I watch, because the fact that I even watched this movie last night is really strange to me. If I watch something on Netflix or On Demand, I sift through the titles for about an hour until I finally decide on a movie. But in my room, I have a stack of DVDs in those little white sleeves. If I watch one of those, I choose it randomly. I don't even look at it before I put it in the DVD player, so I have no idea what I'll be watching until the movie starts. When I reviewed Slip, I mention two horror movies that I found a little bit similar. Those two movies were Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood, and Killjoy. So I find it extremely weird that, for the past two days, I've randomly chosen those two movies. So weird, in fact, that I felt compelled to share it with everyone, even though I know that no one cares. It is a phenomenon that cannot be explained, much like Killjoy himself. Was I excited about it? No, not really. I saw this movie many years ago, and I didn't particularly like it then (even when I was younger and terrified of clowns). I guess you've got to have a certain sense of humor to enjoy this; and I just don't have it.

Killjoy is the story of a boy named Michael. He and his counterparts are supposedly in high school, though they apparently have no parents, and they can live alone with their boyfriends. They don't seem like high school students at all, but that's another story, I guess. Michael had a crush on Jada, a beautiful, sweet, young girl. But Jada was with a guy named Lorenzo, a gun-toting thug who got extremely jealous. Though it was obvious that Lorenzo did not respect Jada at all, he didn't want anyone else even speaking to her. Jada warned Michael; she said that if Lorenzo saw them talking, he would kill Michael. Michael, of course, didn't heed her warning, and instead asked her to their upcoming dance. At just the right moment, Lorenzo showed up. He was angry, and he and his two thug friends beat the stuffing out of Michael.

Michael went home and practiced some black magic. He called forth one of his dolls--a little clown he called Killjoy--to come to life. Nothing happened. Then Lorenzo and his gang tricked Michael outside the safety of his home, kidnapped him, and took him out to the woods. They held a gun to his head, yelled obscenities at him, and scared the daylights out of him. That, supposedly, was their plan. Lorenzo said that the gun was not loaded, and his intentions were only to scare Michael. But, unfortunately for Michael, the gun actually was loaded, and he was shot and killed.

One year later, Michael's black magic started to work. A clown showed up in an ice cream truck outside of Lorenzo's place. Lorenzo had gone to be with his new lady, and his two thug friends were inside getting high. With a serious case of the munchies, that ice cream truck looked extremely inviting. Killjoy told them that he was an undercover drug dealer using the ice cream truck as a disguise. He beckoned them inside to see his merchandise, and they were instantly transported into another dimension, via a rainbow vortex of some sort. They ended up in a warehouse, where Killjoy took them out. One of them was burnt up, while the other was smashed by a car. Nothing too inventive. Killjoy did eventually catch up to Lorenzo, and he took him down as well.

A homeless man caught up with Jada, her friend Monique, and Jada's new boyfriend Jamal. He explained everything about what Michael had done. He'd gone to black magic because all he wanted was for Jada to be his girl. The only way he figure that was possible was to get rid of what stood in his way: Lorenzo. He was trying to make sure there was no one left except the two of them. The only way to get rid of Killjoy was to kill the doll that he had risen from.

Killjoy is interesting, I guess. But killer clowns are supposed to be terrifying; this one was just annoying. Ever since the first time I saw it, Killjoy reminded me of Michael Jackson. So he is what would happen if MJ decided to throw a circus at Neverland Ranch. (fun fact: Killjoy was played by Angel Vargas, who also played Tito Jackson in the Jacksons TV movie)  He was goofy, but not exactly in a good way. We know of other characters who can be silly, funny, and still be scary (most notably Freddy Krueger), but Killjoy is not one of them. He was trying his damndest to be funny, but he only came across as stupid and annoying.


The story is kind of sweet, I guess, but if you think about it...it really isn't. Michael came back from the dead so that he could ask Jada out finally. He did all of this to have a a girl who he wasn't even sure felt the same way. Personally, I'd make sure she loved me before I'd go to all the trouble. I'd make sure she loved me before I got myself killed for her. Because if she didn't feel the same way, then his affections were pointless, and he should not had died in those woods. He shouldn't have even if she did love him, but it at least would have had meaning.

So, did I love Killjoy. No, even though I really wanted to. Everyone knows that, once I got over my fear of clowns, I grew to really love them. I love some killer clowns, when they're done right. I don't love Killjoy, because he, to me, isn't what a killer clown is supposed to be. First of all, he's supposed to be menacing. When you see him, you're supposed to think, "Uh-oh, shit's going down," not, "Oh my, he's fucking retarded." They're supposed to be scary, or at least creepy, or something. They can also be funny, but that should add to their creepiness, not diminish it. The movie itself was silly, and the characters were dumb. To me, Killjoy just wasn't what it should have been and could have been. It was a silly movie that tried to be great.

Apparently, it has an audience somewhere. Somewhere, people responded to it, because it spawned two sequels that I have not yet seen. I can only hope this series took the opposite route of others, and got better as it went along.

#215 -- Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood (2003)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Steven Ayromlooi

Let me explain something to you before I being. It's very simple. Most of these movies (excluding the first, in my opinion) are pretty bad. I actually haven't seen the one where leprechaun went to the hood the first time. But I did see when he went into space, so I can honestly say they're pretty bad. That being said, I still love this little guy. Even though the movies kind of suck, the leprechaun is still awesome.

At the beginning of the movie, Leprechaun was banished by a priest back to Hell. But a year later, a group of urban college-age kids stumbled on his beloved gold. Emily, the main focus of the movie, was warned by a fortune teller that she would come across a great deal of money. The fortune teller explained to her that she must deny the fortune, because it would come at a great price. But did they listen? Of course not. Once they found the gold, they started spending it like crazy. They bought new wardrobes, new cars, fancy gold teeth, and a whole shit ton of  marijuana.

You know that saying, "When in Rome?" Well, apparently even leprechauns believe it. One of his new friends got him high, only for Leprechaun to discover he had some of his gold. He got stabbed in the gut with a bong. Then Leprechaun stumbled around the house looking for something to eat, running into various cabinets along the way. He finally found the refrigerator and got locked inside of it. He didn't find anything to eat, but he did find the situation completely hilarious.

So, why was Leprechaun in the hood? Well, I don't know why he was there to begin with, but I know that when they found his gold, it brought him back from the depths of Hell. I'm not even sure why he ever left Ireland. It did explain, though, why he is so evil. The others might have explained that as well, but it's been so long since I've seen them, I don't remember.

Leprechauns, in mythology, were protectors of fortune. In this one's case, he and a bunch of other leprechauns protected the fortune of their king. They took their job very seriously, as you can probably guess. They had some kind of earthly, magical powers that helped them protect the gold. When their king died, they were all sent back down into the earth. All except one. That one became very evil, and he wold do anything to continue protecting the gold.

This one was just silly. I will admit that it had me laughing out loud, but that didn't make me love the movie. I do love the original, but after that, they just started getting bad. I didn't love this one; I didn't even like it, really. But I didn't hate it. It's definitely worth it to watch just for the laughs. But other than that, it's not good for much else. Still, I love that little guy.

Even if you don't like these movies, even if you hate them; you can't really hate it for being what it is. It's about a killer leprechaun. How can that possibly be anything but silly and stupid? It can't. So, if you go into this expecting it to be anything other than that, then you are terribly mistaken. If you realize what it is, what it's meant to be, then you won't feel that much hatred for it.

#214 -- Monster in the Closet (1986)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Bob Dahlin

Everything you're thinking right now is probably correct. Monster in the Closet is a film from Troma studios that pokes at the monster movies of old. It was meant to be silly, but at the same time, it doesn't seem like it was trying to be silly. They created something ridiculous, but they pulled it off with seriousness. Don't be confused, though. It's not about the boogeyman. This thing was 100% monster.

Possibly from another planet, the monster preyed on innocent people while hiding in their closets. Why it chose closets, no one could be sure. They figured that a closet was its safe place; a place where it could rest and rejuvenate itself. But if anyone should wander into the closet where it was hiding, you best believe that person didn't come back out. It wasn't really clear what it was doing to begin with. All we got was a high pitched sound, and then everything from the closet being tossed about. There's nothing to see, really. It takes a good while for us to actually get a look at the monster too.

A reporter, Richard Clark, was put on the case of the Closet Creature killings. He went to a town called Chestnut Hills to investigate. While he was there, he met with a college biology professor who supposedly believed that the creature was actually a giant snake (because two puncture wounds were found in each victim). Along with Professor Bennett, Richard met Father Finnegan, a priest who apparently was Dr. Bennett's uncle. Also there was Dr. Pennyworth, a man who worked with Dr. Bennett; and "Professor," Dr. Bennett's son. They all had their theories on how to destroy the monster, but they learned the truth a little bit too late.

Richard Clark was sort of like a superman. He wore giant, ugly glasses all the time. But when those glasses were removed for whatever reason, Dr. Bennett went into some sort of trance. She couldn't look at anything except him. What I thought was foreshadowing a budding relationship actually played a big role in the ending of the movie. Because when The Monster saw Richard without his glasses, it had the same effect. He took Richard prisoner, but it didn't intend to hurt him. Maybe it was looking for a mate? Maybe it had fallen in love with him because of his charming good looks? I'm not sure, but its compassion toward Richard ended up being its downfall. As one of the characters (I can't remember which) said, "'Twas beauty killed the beast."

The solution was quite simple and predictable, but it worked in its own way. No man nor machine could destroy the monster. No amount of fire power could take it down. Guns, tanks, whatever--the army was at a loss, and all they could do was evacuate everyone. What could be done to destroy a creature that lives in closets? Well, that seems pretty obvious to me.

The movie was silly, of course. But it had a little ray of seriousness about it. It is a Troma movie, though, so how serious could it honestly be? Not very. The monster itself was really strange-looking. It was a gigantic hunchback, with a gaping mouth rimmed with teeth. But those teeth aren't what caused the puncture wounds found on the victims. There was another creature living inside of the monster, a little worm-looking thing. It would slither out of the monster's gaping hole of a mouth to kill its victims. It doesn't make much sense, but that's what I like about these movies. They're always creative and different, and you can't honestly say you've ever seen anything like them. These movies do what many other movies attempt to do: to be so stupid they're good, instead of just plain stupid. Monster in the Closet is a good example. I've never seen a movie like this before, and I probably never will again.

This one has a couple of familiar faces in it. Dr. Pennyworth was played by Henry Gibson (who has been in so many things, but the most memorable for me is Luck of the Irish). The geeky little boy, "Professor," was played by a very young Paul Walker (yes, the same one from the Fast and the Furious movies), and John Carradine had a short role as a blind man searching a closet for his seeing-eye dog.

Troma is an acquired taste, I've come to figure out. I've  never actually met another person who likes them the way that I do. I still have hope, though, that I will find a kindred soul who enjoys cheesy movies that poke fun at themselves.  

#213 -- Slip (2006)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Brian Maris

Slip probably won't seem like a horror movie to you; I know it didn't to me. IMDB classifies it as a thriller, and I agree somewhat. To me, it's a thriller mixed with a crime action/drama. However, just because the horror elements are fewer here, that doesn't mean that it was a bad movie. It just wasn't what I was hoping for.

It was about a girl named Sarah. When she was a little girl, her mother was murdered by a disgruntled co-worker. Ever since she found her mother dead, she developed supernatural abilities. This is one of the few horror elements, as a lot of supernatural thrillers begin this way. Sarah was able to channel the spirits of the dead; spirits who had unfinished business that they took care of through her. She was lucky to never channel evil spirits. The first happened shortly after her mother's death, and she helped a deceased man tell his wife that he loved her. We saw a police officer who was murdered during a bank robbery, and he used Sarah to take down the three murderers. She channeled a woman who died during childbirth, and gave her the chance to see her child for the first--and only--time. But these were small compared to what Sarah had to do next.

She channeled a boy who was murdered by a gang of car thieves. A large sum of money had been stolen from the thugs, and they suspected that the boy knew something about it. The boy knew that his uncle, Cal, would be questioned by them, and possibly killed. He needed Sarah to keep his uncle safe. Sarah and Cal developed a relationship, because he needed her to help him evade the criminals trying to kill him. Sarah was very confident and skilled with a gun, and that definitely came in handy.

Meanwhile, a lunatic was following Sarah. He had the same abilities as Sarah, but he didn't handle them quite as well. He took photos of the people she killed, and he asked them all how to make the voices stop. When they couldn't tell him anything, some man came through him and killed them. That man happened to be the one who murdered Sarah's mother. The lunatic had been in a facility with Sarah, and he thought that, somehow, she knew how to control what he thought were only voices. He was tracking her down to get that information, because he was scared of what the bad man made him do. In the end, all Sarah had to do to make the "voices" stop was forget about the past, and live for each day.

The story was interesting, and the acting was actually quite good. The best actor in the bunch I would have to say is Sky Soleil, who played the lunatic. Jill Small (Sarah) switched between herself and the spirits quite well; but not quite as well as Mr. Soleil, in my opinion. His main character was kind of messed-up, not very intelligent, and he seemed very frightened. But when he channeled the other spirits, he turned into a dark, intelligent, and sinister man. I thought he did an incredible job, and I was really impressed.

Overall, it really wasn't a bad movie, I didn't see the "horror" in it, which I guess is why it's classified as thriller. It might be because horror and the street life don't really mix well. Or maybe because the only horror movies with an urban setting that I'm familiar with are Leprechaun (both times he went to Da Hood), and Killjoy. This was nothing like either of those movies, so maybe it's just because it wasn't what I expected or what I was used to. But I think it was because the focus was mainly on the relationship between the criminals, Cal, and Sarah. It focused on the spirits, of course, because that was the theme. But they weren't present as much as the threat of the thugs catching up to Sarah and Cal. Sarah's spirits weren't sinister or evil; they were simple people with unfinished business. The only sinister spirits were those that were channeled by Sky Soleil's character, and he wasn't in the movie nearly as much as I would have liked.

To me, thrillers are just horror movies that aren't quite horror enough to call themselves horror. Pardon the redundancy. But Slip was an interesting movie with nice characters and a nice feel to it. It had certain elements of horror, drama, romance, and tearjerker. So I guess it can appeal to just about anyone. You won't feel your time was wasted with this one.

#212 -- Daddy's Girl (1996)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Martin Kitrosser

There's something about killer children that's terrifying; everyone knows that. But there's something about this child that was annoying. I thought it was going to be better than it was; from the synopsis Netflix gave me, I thought it was going to be about a scary little killer child killing everyone in sight. But I was wrong.

It was about Jody, a sweet little 11 year-old girl with some dark secrets. When she was four years old, she watched her mother shoot her father. After that, she was between foster parents. Her first foster mother was killed when she fell down the stairs. She was taken away from her family and sent to a new one. Her new family loved her very much, especially her new father (William Katt, Greatest American Hero). She really loved her Daddy too, and she would do anything to make sure that she didn't lose him like she lost her last daddy. Jody got in trouble a lot at school for fighting with other kids and  misbehaving. Her principal was going to try to send her to boarding school so they could help her. But that meant that she wouldn't be able to live with her Daddy anymore, and she didn't like that idea. So she snuck into school and pushed a bookshelf over on her principal.

Her grandmother didn't like her father, because he was a toymaker trying desperately to make his first sale. He wasn't bringing any money into the house, and Grandma wasn't happy about it. It took her a few tries to kill Granny, but she finally got it right after a while. Her mother wasn't happy with her dad either, because she was tired to being the only person bringing in money. She was talking to her friend, who was a divorce lawyer, because she wasn't sure she could handle the marriage any longer. Jody knew the lawyer friend had to go as well. But Mommy still wasn't sure if she still wanted to be with Daddy, and she was thinking about leaving and taking Jody with her, so Mommy had to go too. And the social worker who was probably going to take Jody away again? Well, he had to go too, of course.

The only person who really thought Jody was up to no good was her father's niece, Karen. Karen did some digging on Jody to figure out if anything in her past could help figure out what was wrong with her. Jody didn't like that Karen was causing trouble. Instead of killing Karen, she told lies about her to make it look like Karen was the crazy one. She said that Karen wanted to be her mommy, and that Karen was killing all these people so that she could have Jody all to herself.

This movie was okay; it definitely wasn't great by any means, but it wasn't horrible either. Jody wasn't really terrifying, as I'd hoped. She was just a badly behaved little girl, and her fear solutions were irrational. The only reason she might have been taken away from her family was because she misbehaved; so everything would have been fine and she just started being a good little girl. But instead of behaving herself, she decided she'd just kill everyone. That's why I thought she was a bit annoying. She was just a little brat who didn't want to behave. Of course, she was troubled by watching her mother kill her father, but she was given more than enough love by her new family. With some help, she would have been able to learn to deal with that.

The end was disappointing, because nothing really happened. I don't know if Jody got to stay with her family, or if she was maybe sent to an institution. I don't know what happened to her, or what happened to her mother (because, like Granny, the first murder attempt was not successful). It was abrupt and gave no resolution to the problem. Overall, it was an all right movie that could have been a lot better.

#211 -- Cheerleader Camp (1988)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: John Quinn

I know what you're thinking. This is about as bland as it gets. The most cliched horror movies take place at camp, right? It all started at a place called Crystal Lake, and people just can't get enough of stupid campers getting killed. Add to it that they're cheerleaders--about the dumbest kind of campers you can find--and you've got campy, cliche cheese.

So, yeah, they're at a cheerleading camp. And they're all getting killed in such grisly ways. One gets a pair of scissors shoved through the back of her head, and another gets squished between a tree and a van. Others were killed off screen, or the actual kill wasn't shown, so those are the only memorable ones this movie has to offer. The only thing different about this is Allison. She's on medication for who knows what, and she has violent nightmares about getting hurt, and about other people getting killed. The suspicion is placed mostly on her, but there are a few other suspects as well.

One suspect is the creepy handyman, Bob. Another is the creepy cook. Then I started to suspect the fat male cheerleader whose sole purpose in the movie was comic relief. I actually really liked him. Then, after a while, I started to suspect the other male cheerleader (played by former heart-throb Leif Garret), and then the team mascot. So, really, I couldn't tell who it was. I'd actually seen the movie before, and I couldn't remember who was killing these poor cheerleaders. At the end the truth, while not really what I expected, really wasn't all that shocking. There was no big surprise as to why this person was killing them--it all made perfect sense.

Okay, let's see just how campy and cliche this movie was. Was there sex? Sure, but really gross sex between the too peppy camp counselor and the old sheriff (the woman dressed like a cheerleader, and the cop ran around in his boxers with a football...ew). There were some boobies, and a creep who liked to spy on those boobies while dressed like an old lady (who could that have been, besides the fat male cheerleader?) There were stupid girls, of course, and a couple of smart ones thrown into the mixture for good measure. There was a punk rock band who you really wouldn't expect to be playing a cheerleading camp party. And oh yes, there was definitely booze. The adults were too drunk to care when a couple of the girls went missing. And when one of them finally decided to go look, she was too drunk to be of any real use. The only purpose she served at that point was getting herself killed. And the sheriff was too drunk to do his job properly, and he was only good at getting himself killed too.

On paper, it sounds like a pretty good movie, if only for the scenes with the fat guy. But on film, it's not great at all. Its biggest problem is that it's boring as hell. I didn't give a shit about any of the characters (besides fattie, of course). Most of them were annoying or uninteresting. The pace was too slow, and the kills were not that great. There was no suspense, no horror. I guess it could have been good, but it just wasn't. And that's coming from the girl who loves nothing more than to see stupid campers getting killed.

#210 -- Mother's Day (2010)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Darren Lynn Bousman

I didn't realize when I first started watching this that it was a remake. I didn't know until afterwards that it's a remake of a Troma movie. Now I feel like an ass because I watched this having known nothing about the original, which was released by my favorite film company ever. From what I can tell, this one is pretty different from the original. It's got a couple of the same characters, but I think the old one probably leans more toward horror than this one. This one was more of an action-thriller to me, and there wasn't really much horror to it.

Three brothers attempted to rob a bank, only to have their fourth accomplice betray them and run away with the money. They return to their home only to find out that it's not their home any more. The Sohapi couple won the house in a foreclosure, and the boys' mother was not able to let them in on it. They were not happy when they realized someone else was living in their house, and they took the new owners and their friends hostage. One of the brothers was badly injured and, thankfully, there was a doctor in the house. They needed him to ensure that their brother lived, so he was safe...for a while. In fact, everyone was pretty much safe. Until Mother arrived.

Mother was one sadistic bitch. The hostages were each tortured, by burning water, by being lit on fire, and other things. There was even some attempted rape, where Mother tried to help her injured son get some lovin'. That was the most disturbing part for me. To see this woman actually taking down her son's pants so he could rape a girl...it was truly disgusting. The thing was...the three boys, plus a young girl who didn't seem to belong in the family at all, were not actually her children. She'd abducted them from hospitals, which is why she refused to take her dying son to one. She didn't want anyone to find out what she'd done.

The woman who lived in the house was pregnant, and this caused her to become quite vicious herself. Mother only wanted to get her children to safety. She wanted her injured son to be taken care of, and she wanted to get her other children out of the country so she didn't lose them. She was only looking after her own. Beth was doing the same. She became a monster in her own right while trying to save her unborn child. This was especially important to her since her six year-old son had died not long before, and this was her second chance at being a mother. Beth and Mother actually had a lot in common. But would Beth's attempts prove successful?

I actually thought this was a good movie. I don't know how I'll feel about it once I've seen Troma's version, but as it is right now, I enjoyed it. It wasn't really much of a horror movie, but it was enough to keep my interest the entire time. It never got boring. I would have liked to see more suspense, though.