#100 -- Yoga (2009)

Director: Yun Jae-Yeon
Rating: 3/5

When a woman loses her job as a home shopping network host, to a younger and prettier girl, she takes a friend's advice and joins a yoga academy which promises beauty beyond her wildest dreams. This academy is operated by an old, washed up actress who wishes to regain her youth and beauty. There are rules in this academy: no unauthorized eating, no looking into mirrors, and no showers within an hour of their training. If any of these rules are broken, the rule-breaker will suffer horrible consequences.

The girls in the academy are competing to win the secret to perfection. Those who break the rules vanish, and the last one standing will obtain the secret. Our main character Hyo-Jung is the lucky winner, but she soon learns that she will have to give her soul to Kahn Mi-Hi, the washed up actress in order to achieve this perfect beauty. So the question is: would you sell your soul to be beautiful?



Yoga had some creepy moments, though fewer than I would expect from an Asian horror. It was strange and, at some parts, a little confusing; but it was definitely interesting. I think it makes a point about society as a whole, how obsessed the majority of the population is with beauty, and to what lengths people will go to achieve it. It teaches a lesson that beauty is not the most important thing in the world, and that retaining your soul and individuality should be a bigger concern. That is what I got from this one; the horror aspect of it, for me, wasn't all that great. But it is one of those movies that will make you think, and possibly make you re-evaluate your life and priorities.

#99 -- The Ward (2010)

Director: John Carpenter
Rating: 3/5

Directed by John Carpenter, this movie follows a young girl named Kristen after she is admitted into a mental facility. The first thing we see of her, she is setting fire to a house before being arrested and taken to the facility. It does not explain, at first, exactly why she did it or what drove her to insanity. In fact, she doesn't seem insane at all. But, there is much more to her than meets the eye. Inside the facility she meets her fellow "inmates": Iris, Zoey, Sarah, and Emily. These girls all suffer from different levels of insanity and each have their own little quirky personality. Iris is the smart one with a great artistic ability; Zoey is the innocent one who is afraid of the dark and clings to a little stuffed bunny; Sarah is the seductress, always trying to get it on with one of the guards; and Emily is the seriously bat-shit crazy one, who likes to sing and paint cake her mouth with clown-like make-up. These girls seem pretty normal, though, at least by insane asylum standards. We wonder exactly why they're there.



Oh, and there is another girl: Alice. Alice is a ghost, killed by the other girls (before Kristen arrived) because she was "mean to them." Now, she's back for revenge against those who killed her. Kristen must try to help the other girls, while trying to escape the asylum and stay alive. It's not easy, though, when they're locked up and kept under strict surveillance. There are some surprises. This isn't your average ghost story, and the girls at the institution really aren't what they seem. Kristen turns out to be a little crazier than she seemed initially, because she is traumatized from being kidnapped and tortured when she was a child. It plays like a ghost story throughout most of the movie, but once you get the whole story you'll realize it's actually not a ghost story at all.

While this isn't a typical ghost story, it does have the typical ghost story scares. There was one scare that wasn't typical, and I loved it. It was the good 'ol medicine cabinet scare with a twist. You know when someone opens the medicine cabinet, and when they close it, they see someone (or something) standing behind them in the mirror? It was effective, for me, because I was expecting it to be typical, but they turned it around and surprised me. That, I think, was my favorite part of the movie. It's not a big story point, no, but it was effective and different. Overall, it was a pretty good movie with incredible acting and nice spooks.

#98 -- Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (2009)

Director: Declan O'Brien
Rating: 3/5

A couple of cops are transporting a group of prisoners. Since they suspect that a breakout attempt will take place, they decide to take a route they normally wouldn't take - a very secluded route. It's no shock that it turns out to be a very bad idea. A tow-truck runs them off the road, their truck is destroyed, and in a turn of events the prisoners wind up in control of the police officers. I don't understand why someone would create a movie where the majority of the cast is asshole prisoners, because we do not feel for them at all. We WANT them to get butchered. But maybe that is the point exactly; at least we're feeling something for them.

The story seems to focus more on the relationship between the prisoners and the policeman (and a woman they found running through the woods), rather than the inbred hillbillies that are trying to eat them. We're more afraid that the head asshole will shoot everyone than we are of Mr. Backwoods cooking them up in some oppossum stew. It turns out that their group is actually is the biggest problem they have because, even if they escape the clutches of the crazy cannibal, they still will have to deal with the evil Senor Douchebag. But all is - kind of - well in the end. Or at least that's what I'm going to tell you, because I don't want to ruin anything for you.



I liked this pretty much just because of the gore. There were some pretty fucking sweet kills in this one, but the story just didn't impress me much. I would like to see more of the hillbillies, and less of assholes I don't give two shits about. And when a movie falls into a series, it is destined to be compared to earlier entries. This one falls short, unfortunately. What's good about the Wrong Turn series, though, is that they somewhat act as individual movies, so you don't exactly have to watch them all in order to get the jist of what's going on. Overall, I liked it but I didn't love it. The gore was awesome, though.

#97 -- Kill Katie Malone (2010)

Director: Carlos Ramos, Jr.
Rating: 3/5

"Never buy a demon on the internet." You'd think no one needed to be told not to buy a ghost on the internet, right? Well, three college friends Jim, Dixie, and Ginger do just that. It is the ghost of an 18th century Irish slave girl, who was brutally abused and left to freeze to death in a barn. Her name is Katie Malone. All she's ever wanted is a family, and she will kill anyone who gets in the way of that.

This one stars Masiela Lusha (Carmen from the George Lopez show, and I really enjoyed seeing her in something different), and Dean Cain has a small role as the man who sold the ghost to the three friends. When their friends start dying or getting hurt (all of the "accidents" were deemed self inflicted: a teacher cut off her own tongue, and a fellow student cut off her own arm), right after they bought the box containing the spirit of Katie Malone, they figure they might want to get rid of it. But getting rid of an angry ghost really isn't all that easy.



It has its creepy moments, and a pretty good story if you ask me. Of course, mention the word "irish" and I'm sold, so I might be a little biased. But I enjoyed it, and it actually freaked me out a little bit. We couldn't see Katie for most of the movie; she was completely invisible. The only time she could be seen was when she wanted to be seen, and it wasn't a pretty sight. Right after I finished watching the movie, I got into the shower. I was thinking about someone (or something) being in there with me that I couldn't see, and yeah, I was a little freaked. So this one must be pretty good. You should make your own decisions, of course, but I say it's worth a try. It's definitely got a little spook factor, it's got a little bit of comic relief, and all of the production was well done. The ending was ironic, and I found it quite hilarious. There wasn't much gore, but this is the kind of movie that doesn't need it. It relies on atmosphere rather than a splatterfest, and it succeeds. I wasn't disappointed in the lack of gore. This is another one of those movies that is good, but not mind-blowing. So if you're bored and in need of some quick and easy entertainment, try it out.

#96 -- Heartstopper (2006)

Director: Bob Keen
Rating: 3/5

Can you imagine getting struck by lightning while simultaneously being fried in the electric chair? That is exactly what happens to serial killer Jonathan Chambers, but he doesn't let that stop him! Instead, he preys on innocent people in the hospital where he was taken for an autopsy. Our two main characters are suicidal teen, Sarah, and victim of rake abuse, Walter (he fell on a rake while gardening). Chambers is, apparently, a demon from Hell; he claims that the "dark lord" is the mastermind behind his evil ways, and he needs Sarah's body as a new "vessel" so that he can continue on his murder spree. His MO? Ripping out his victims' hearts, which rejuvenates him. After being electrocuted, he is burned horribly and is completely unrecognizable. He rips out a doctor's heart, and as soon as it touches his flesh, he is 100% healed. Well, almost. His current body is becoming weak, as should be expected after the whole electric chair/lighting strike fiasco. He promises Sarah power beyond her wildest dreams, and a way out of the horrible and abusive life that is high school.



There's something about Chambers' tattoos as well - they slither onto Sarah's arms, intent on claiming her body to do the dark lord's bidding. Robert Englund has a short role as the town sheriff, and he is always wonderful. This movie claims that Mr. Englund stars, which I assume is to trick people into watching it. "Hey! It's Robert Englund! Oh, he's dead now..." Ah well, that's how it goes, I guess. But Heartstopper really isn't that bad of a movie. It's got its suspenseful moments, and Jonathan Chambers is quite creepy at times. It's not the greatest, but it's not the worst by far. It also stars that guy from Radio Free Roscoe (anyone remember that show?) as rake-boy, Walter. It's definitely worth it to check it out; you might not be blown away, but you'll be entertained.

#95 -- One-Eyed Monster (2008)

Director: Adam Fields
Rating: 5/5

I went into this movie hoping - and I mean really hoping - that it would be amazing. The title alone is intriguing at the least. But trust me, don't watch this with your kids, 'cause it's not about a cyclops. It is about a team of adult film-makers making some pornography in a cabin out in the woods. One of those of those people is none other than porn god, Ron Jeremy (ew...) Unfortunately, their naughty adventures come to a startling halt when Mr. Jeremy's penis is severed and possessed by an alien. Yes, you read that right. This alien-possessed penis then begins to go on a rampage, killing everyone in sight.

You wouldn't think there would be many ways for a penis to kill people, but there are quite a few - my favorite of which is boring a hole straight through a girl's head. You must be asking yourself: why in the world would aliens want to possess a penis? Well, to reproduce of course!

One-Eyed Monster is a freaking awesome movie. It's as simple as that. It's hilarious, but it's also got some good elements of horror. Of course, it's so silly it completely fails to terrify, but that does not take away from the absolute awesomeness. The only bad thing I could possibly say about it is that there wasn't enough Ron Jeremy. I actually really enjoy him as an actor (not in porno, please and thank you). He's actually a funny guy, and he has been in quite a few of my favorite movies. Unfortunately, the alien's took his manhood far too soon, and all we saw of him was his...well, you know. Watch this movie! You'll thank me for it, I promise.

Monster Spotlight - Clowns

This is going to be a new segment that I can – hopefully – keep going for a little while. I’m going to spotlight certain types of horror movie villains, and single out the greats.

Clowns can be really great if they’re done correctly. Tons of people are scared of clowns, and that’s just regular clowns you see at birthday parties and such. It’s understandable; you can’t help but wonder what’s going on in their mind, underneath the make-up and the smiles. I’ll quote what I said in my “survival 101” page. They may be smiling, but they're not happy. They're smiling because they're imagining what your guts are gonna look like splattered all over the floor. Or they may be picturing you naked. Either way, clowns are bad news. So here are some of my favourite killer clowns!

Pennywise the Dancing Clown

I saw Stephen King’s It as a young child; but I was so young that I didn’t really comprehend what was happening. I saw it again when I was about thirteen, and I was terrified of clowns for a couple of years. Now, of course, I realize that clowns are fucking awesome. But for a while there, Pennywise had me scared shitless. The clown actually isn’t the true form of Pennywise; he’s actually some sort of spider-thing that preys on children. The clown was just a get-up to lure children into his lair, or scare the shit out of unsuspecting children. Either way, Pennywise was a very effective killer clown.

"They all float!"

The Little Green-Haired One

This little guy is from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. He didn’t actually have a name; or if he did, I don’t know what it was. All I know is that, to me, he is a cutie pie. There was one scene in particular that had me rolling in the floor. Greeny was riding his bicycle when he came upon a group of bikers. One of the big bikers asked if he could ride the bike; Greeny shook his head no. So the biker asked if he could honk the horn, and Greeny didn’t have a problem with that. But instead of honking the horn, Biker crushed the bicycle with his bare hands. Greeny began to cry, and then flew up into the sky. The biker thought he’d won the fight. Greeny came back down to the ground, this time with a big pair of boxing gloves. Biker laughed, asking “What are you gonna do, knock my block off?” Greeny punches Biker’s head, and it flies off into a trash can. It was at that moment that I fell in love with this little guy.

Horny the Clown

Drive-Thru is one of those independent movies that is actually really good. Horny the clown was the shit. He was the sexiest killer clown I’d ever seen. He was funny (even though he stole his catch phrases from The Shining), he was fucking vicious as hell, and I love him. Oh, and not only was he a killer clown, he was the re-animated spirit of a nerdy boy. And if you know me, you know I love nerdy boys. So, Horny scores double on the awesome meter.

So yummy...

Insane Clown Posse

Okay, so they’re not from a horror movie, but they’re still horror-related. Their style of music is known as horrorcore, or murder rap, and they focus mainly on horror-related topics (with a little sex and drugs thrown in for good measure). They’re not the colourful clowns we’re used to; instead they’re painted in black and white, making them quite sinister. They’re funny, they’re gross, and they’re pretty gory. Here’s a little peek inside some of my favourite of their songs. Terrible isn’t exactly horror-related, but it focuses on bad things in the real world. It’s about people focusing on stupid shit rather than what really matters. House of Horrors is just what the title implies: a house of horrors. The Amazing Maze is a maze full of horrible things, like rooms filled with mouse traps and thumbtacks, serial killers, and other wonderful things. There’s a lot more to these guys than meets the eye; they’ve actually got some serious messages to relay, they’re about more than just murder. Some people say they’re gimmicky; a lot of people hate their guts; but I say fuck ‘em. I’m a juggalette and I’m proud. So check ‘em out and find out for yourselves.

There are plenty of killer clowns out there. They’re always attempted, but rarely perfected. When done properly, clowns are the shit. So I’ll close with three simple words: Much Clown Love. 

#94 -- Scream 4 (2011)

Director: Wes Craven
Rating: 5/5

Sidney Prescott, now a best-selling author, returns to Woodsboro to promote her new book. It's been a while since she'd had to deal with 'ol Ghostface - about ten years - so she naturally believes that she is safe and all is well. While staying in Woodsboro with her aunt and teenage cousin, Sidney learns that all is, indeed, NOT well.

As usual, murder seems to follow Sidney wherever she goes. People are being murdered once again, only this time there's a twist: the killer(s) is broadcasting the murders online via webcam. So who is after Sidney this time? And why? Well, the answer to that is surprising, to me at least. While one of the two killers is rather obvious, the other is completely unexpected.

We have our usual characters: Sidney, Dewey, and Gail. But there are new faces too, of course. We have Emma Roberts (from the kids' show Unfabulous) as Sidney's cousin Jill, and Hayden Panettiere (from my favorite show, Heroes) as Jill's somewhat bitchy friend. Even though she's a bit bitchy, she is likeable and very educated in horror films. So, her knowledge of the movies she'll be quizzed on later almost saves her life - almost.




Ghostface is more vicious in this one, and because of that, we get lots more gore. We see lots of blood and guts, and it's fantastic. I mean, Ghostface is really fucking shit up in this one. I love it! Scream 4 is very pleasing and a wonderful addition to a series I've always loved.

#93 -- Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2011)

Director: Kevin Munroe
Rating: 4/5

Going into this, I knew that it was based on comic books. So I knew it would either be really bad or pretty freakin' awesome. I haven't read the comic books, though I REALLY want to, but I'm sure they're badass. Dylan Dog is a private investigator for monsters: zombies, vampires, and werewolves. He's investigating the theft of a talisman belonging to a family of werewolves. If whoever has this talisman uses it properly, some bad shit will go down. It will create a horrible monster (even worse than the ones Dylan already knows) that is seemingly unstoppable. I thought this was going to be a horror comedy. While it did have some funny parts, it was just a good movie. Dylan encounters several werewolves (one of which is professional wrestler Kurt Angle), some very smart vampires, wimpy zombies, monster hunters, and one of the biggest, baddest zombies I've ever seen in my life.



While everything in this movie is good, the best part to me was Dylan's best friend Marcus. This guy was hilarious. After being turned into a zombie and losing his arm, the only replacement limb they can find for him is that of an african american. That in itself is pretty funny. But the zombies in this movie are very weak, and they're scared of everything. So, being a zombie wuss, Marcus makes for some very entertaining movie viewing. It definitely gives a different view of the monsters we know and love, and that's new and refreshing. Overall, it was very enjoyable.

How To Be A Zombie - Book Review

How To Be A Zombie: The Essential Guide For Anyone Who Craves Brains


Rating: 5/5 - One of my new favorites!

Have you recently been transformed into a member of the undead? Feeling scared, confused, and don't know what to do? Then Serena Valentino's How To Be A Zombie is the perfect book for you. She will help you figure out what kind of zombie you are, and then guide you as you learn to cater to your own specific needs. She is very sympathetic toward the undead, and will give you unbiased opinions on what you should do to best survive through the zombie apocalypse. She covers everything from hunting, proper diet, and thwarting humans who wish to kill you; to fashion and romance. Everything you need to know about being a zombie is all right at your fingertips. You will learn about zombie books, movies and music as well. Everything the newly zombiefied might need can be conveniently found in this lovely book.

#92 -- Priest (2011)

Director: Scott Charles Stewart
Rating: 3/5

Yes, I realize this isn't exactly a horror movie; but it has horror qualities, so I'm including it here. First and foremost, you should know that these priests are not like the priests we know. They are superhuman warriors and vampire killers. Vampires have always existed, and they've always been a threat. Such a threat, in fact, that they started a war with the humans. The vampires were so quick and vicious, though, that the humans really didn't stand a chance. Until the priests were discovered, that is. Like I said, they were superhuman. They were trained in the church to become badass vamp killers. When the war was over, the remaining vampires were sent to reservations to live like prisoners. But of course, nothing evil stays buried for very long. So when our main character's niece gets abducted by vampires, he leaves the safety of one of the walled cities the church created in order to save his niece. He is accompanied by his niece's boyfriend, the sheriff in the "wastelands" (the wastelands are just away from the safe cities). I also think you should know that there are two types of vampires. There's the plain old vamps, which are nothing like we know them today. They're animal-like creatures with no eyes or noses - just gaping mouths with fangs. And they're pretty wicked. The others are called familiars, and they look human, except for the eyes and the fangs, of course.



This is more of an action movie than anything, but it does have that horror element of vampires. And the vampires are so vicious and awesome looking that it's just hard for me to keep this off my blog. Priest also had a very interesting explanation of how the vampires as we know them were born. So it stuck to the typical scheme of vampire movies, while at the same time creating its own twist, which I think was really good. I should also note that this movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic alternate world. While it is futuristic, there is also an element of antiquity too. It's old school, but it's technologically in your face. There is a lot of good action in this, and a moving story. The vamps are vicious, almost unstoppable, and pretty fucking awesome. And the priests? Who knew priests could be so badass? And I mean they are BAD ASS. So, if you like vampires, but you also like action movies, Priest is the movie for you.

#91 -- Masters of Horror: We All Scream for Ice Cream (2007)

Director: Tom Holland
Rating: 3/5

Everyone knows I love me some killer clowns, and Buster (the star of this episode of MoH) is pretty kick-ass. He's creepy, he's got a method, and I could sympathize with him. However, I don't think this movie did Buster justice. Buster had an ice cream truck, and all the kids in the neighborhood loved him (well, almost all of them). He would put on little magic shows and tell jokes for them. He was a hoot! But Buster had a little stuttering problem, and some of the kids thought it was funny to ridicule him. When a prank went horribly wrong, Buster wound up dead. Now, fast-foward to twenty-some years later, and those kids are turning up dead. Well, not exactly dead, because no one can find their bodies. But Buster is back from the dead, and he's hungry for a some sweet, cold and creamy revenge. He makes voodoo dolls out of his ice cream, feeds them to his bullies' children, and bam! They melt into what looks like Neapolitan ice cream.




Like I said, Buster's pretty kickass. But the whole turning-people-into-ice-cream thing was a little odd. I'm not saying a little bit of oddness isn't a good thing every once in a while, but here it was just a little too much. I love the character, and he had the potential to be wonderful. No, scratch that. He WAS wonderful. But I would have liked to see him go all psycho on everyone, with an axe or a butcher knife or something like that. I know I shouldn't be too picky, but I really think it would have been better that way, because Buster really was a great character. Layne's (the only of the bullies left alive at the end) solution to the Buster problem, also, was a little farfetched. But I guess it's all right. The scenes where Buster shows up in the dead of night to offer frozen goodies to the children were wonderful. The atmosphere was perfect, and Buster singing "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream" in his creepy clown-voice was awesome. But there were some holes in the story: certain parts that didn't make a lot of sense. I think this installment could have been a lot better, but it wasn't horrible by any means. I'm a firm believer that nothing the Masters of Horror have done is horrible, and I will always love this series. So check out We All Scream for Ice Cream for all your evil clown cravings!

#90 -- Doghouse (2009)

Director: Jake West
Rating: 4/5

It seems like when I watch a spur of the moment movie, it turns out to be awesome. Doghouse is about a group of guys who want to get away from their wives, girlfriends, or boyfriends. Yeah, there's a gay guy, but he's not the typical homo. He's braver than the rest, and constantly tells them to stop acting gay. Anyways, they travel out to a village in the middle of nowhere to have their little getaway. But when they get to the village, Moodley, they discover that all the men are missing and the women have turned into man-thirsty zombies. Now, these aren't your average shuffling-brain eating zombies. These women are fast, strong, and fucking vicious.

Apparently, this was caused by some sort of military experiment (what zombie virus isn't?), and the only way to slow them down is a sort of dog whistle - an extremely high pitched sound wave that only women can hear. Doghouse is kind of like Shaun of the Dead. I'm not saying they're exactly alike, but they do have similarities. 1) They're British 2) There are tons of zombies 3) They're both funny as hell. I was pleasantly surprised with this one. It had me laughing from about three seconds in, and I hardly stopped the entire time. There are many different types of zombies in this one: surgeons, fat ladies, crossing guards, even one woman who looks like Xena the Warrior Princess. There are guys in drag, as well (as an attempt to "blend in"). Everything is just so out there and amazing that a sane person couldn't help but hate it. But since I am far from being a sane person - I really loved it. It's got everything I love: zombies, hot foreign accents, lots of gore, and plenty of humor. So, check it out my fellow zombie lovers! You won't be disappointed.

Favorite Types of Kills

Kills are a very important aspect of horror movies; they’ve just got to be awesome. There are certain types of kills that really get my blood pumping.

Disembowelment

Dawn of the Dead

Ah, the always-amazing gutting. I love seeing someone’s guts spilling out on the floor. Zombies are pretty fucking good at this.

Impaling

Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter

Kind of like stabbing, only better. Seeing someone with a pole, or a sword, or any other sort of large object jutting out of the majority of their body – that’s awesome.

Bare-hands

Friday the 13th III: 3D

It’s really amazing to see a killer use nothing but their bare hands. It is a showcase of incredible strength, and it makes me happy inside. Jason Voorhees is really good at this. I love it when he squishes someone’s head, rips their heart out, rips limbs off, etc. It’s incredible.

Stabbing

Psycho

Yeah, it’s simple, but you really can’t go wrong with it. As long as the killer doesn’t rely on this alone, it’s perfectly fine. And as long as there’s lots and lots of blood, it’s great in my book.

Torture

Saw II

Yeah, I’m a sicko, but whatevs. I love seeing someone subjected to such excruciating pain that they wish they were dead – oooh yes. The Saw series is a really good example of this. I love all of Jigsaw’s devices, and those kills were so brutal they really appealed to my gore whore senses.

Creative kills

A Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors

These are the kind of kills that can’t be described, because they can’t be put into a category. It’s just something the writer’s came up with and put to screen. I love strange and creative kills, and seeing something I’ve never seen before.

Now, the only type of kill I consider “bad” is anything done with a gun. I hate guns. They are so fucking boring, and I’m always disappointed when I see them in horror movies. Come up with something awesome, people! Put the gun down, and grab the samarai sword. Please and thank you.
So what are your favorite types of kills? Any kills you find dull? Share!

#89 -- Halloween Night (2006)

Director: Mark Atkins
Rating: 1/5

A young boy named Christopher Vale had the misfortune to witness the rape/murder of his mother, and the suicide of his father. During the course of this, he became horribly burned and was eventually sent to a mental institution. After killing two guards, he escaped from the asylum, and made his way back home to find his mother's body. Along the way, of course, he had to kill some kids.

These kids were having a pretty neat Halloween party, aside from a horribly cruel prank played by the host. The mysterious man in the executioner costume was believed to be a friend of the host's, until it was revealed that he was murdering their friends one by one.

So, any of this sounding familiar? This movie is such an obvious rip-off that it's almost sad. And it's not even a rip-off that worked. Christopher Vale was burned, not wearing a pale white mask, but the similarities are undeniable. Even the theme song is similar to that of Halloween. Of course, they couldn't recreate the movie entirely, so there had to be some differences. But I think they could have tried harder to make this movie good on its own. I tried to overlook the wannabe-Halloween and enjoy it on its own, but it was impossible. The acting, aside from a couple of peoples', was horrible. The effects: horrible. The ending: it made no sense. The story? Well, it was good when John Carpenter did it, but not so much here. I could find only two redeeming qualities here. The weapons Vale used, that went along with his executioner's costume, were pretty cool. And it made me realize just how much respect I have for Michael Myers. I've never been a huge fan, but I still think it shouldn't be fucked with. I know Rob Zombie fucked with it, and I liked his version better. But the difference is that Zombie didn't try to hide the fact that he was making Halloween over again. He said, "Look here, I'm re-making this movie." He didn't try to pull it off as a complete work of his own imagination. Maybe I'm looking to much into it; maybe it's not a rip-off. You can watch it and form your own opinions, but mine stands. Ignore the rip-off factor, though, and the movie is still terrible.

I couldn't find any photos to go along with this crapfest, but I didn't worry about it too much. I doubt there would have been anything worth sharing anyway.

#88 -- Tales From the Dead (2008)

Director: Jason Cuadrado
Rating: 3/5

When it comes to Asian horror anthologies, or Asian horror in general, I'm afraid this one falls short. I had high expectations for it, due to my love of Asian horror, but I was a bit disappointed. A woman's car breaks down and she hitches a ride with a young woman who happens to be able to speak to the dead. During their journey, the young medium, Tamika, tells Shoko stories that spirits have told her. In the first story, Tamika visits a house haunted by a murdered couple. The scared homeowners' paralyzed son has dark secrets he cannot tell, but Tamika learns everything. Next, it is the story of a man murdered in a hotel room. He was a member of some sort of group that he intended to rat out. This group apparently did not like the idea very much; they had him suffocated and shot down. But one of the detectives on the case may have some secrets...

In the last story, a young man who is fixated on money and success meets with a man who has an offer. He sells time to the dead, and he wants to buy Yoshi's time. He promises him a life of happiness if he agrees, and Yoshi jumps on the opportunity. However, time is something that should never be squandered.

It turns out that Shoko has some secrets of her own, involving a deadly group of women called The Black Widows. But Tamika already knows, and an angry spirit has asked her to do some pretty awful things.

The stories are okay, I guess. They're not very scary, or even spooky in the way that makes Asian horror so great. I liked the wrap-around story much better, and it is the reason that this movie gets a three star rating from me. It was twisted and interesting, and much better than the others. Overall, it's a must see for other Asian horror lovers like myself, of course. But don't expect it to be as amazing as some others.

#87 -- Strangeland (1998)

Warning: May contain spoilers

Director: John Pieplow
Rating: 2/5

I'd been wanting to see this movie for years, simply because I liked the cover. I was intrigued. But I guess you shouldn't judge a movie by its cover. "Captain Howdy" (played by Dee Snider) wanted to give young people a heightened spiritual...something. I'm not quite sure, because he was batshit crazy and didn't make a whole lot of sense. I did get that he wanted to teach them to turn pain into pleasure. He lured people to his home via a chat room and tortured them using body modification. He used suspension, piercings in places they shouldn't be (or at least, that's what his victims thought), and loads of other things. It was pretty graphic, and it had the potential to be wonderful. But it was not...

Captain Howdy was arrested, found not guilty because of insanity, released and given some happy pills. The pills actually worked. He went through a gigantic transformation, apologized for what he'd done, and tried to live a normal life. However, there were some people in town who didn't believe that he'd changed, including Robert Englund as the crazy drunk guy. Crazy Drunk was convinced that Howdy had his daughter (even though she was safely naked underneath her boyfriend), so he formed a lynch mob. His mob kidnapped Howdy and drug him out into the woods to hang him. But thanks to a faulty tree branch and a bunch of lost medication, Howdy was free to do his stuff again.

I wonder if those piercings are real...

Strangeland mostly follows a detective trying to find his daughter and take Howdy out. There's not much action, and it's pretty damn boring. The "torture" scenes and body modifications are pretty cool, but it's not enough. The whole "batshit crazy, arrested, released, reformed, batshit crazy again" thing was annoying and just seemed...weird.

They actually call this movie "Dee Snider's Strangeland." But I'm not sure why; it didn't seem like he had any part in the making of the movie, though I could be wrong. I'm not sure. But I did learn that Dee Snider is an awful actor. Love the guy, but he's terrible. Strangeland did have a pretty kickass soundtrack, though. It includes Pantera, Sevendust, and of course Twisted Sister. That's the only redeeming quality of this crapfest. So overall, didn't enjoy this one.

#86 -- Forget Me Not (2009)

Director: Tyler Oliver
Rating: 4 / 5

I've had this in my Netflix queue for quite some time, but it was one of those "sounds interesting, but I'm not sure" type of things. I chose it today because I didn't want to spend hours trying to decide which movie to watch. And I'll tell you, I'm glad I did. The synopsis is a bit vague, and it really doesn't do this movie justice. Sandy is a pretty, popular girl with a wonderful life ahead of her. When she and her friends play an innocent game after their graduation party, things go horribly wrong. The game goes like this: one person is "the ghost," and they have to chase the others through the graveyard. When someone is touched, they become a ghost too. The last person left "alive" wins. This particular night, though, the game turns out to not be so innocent. One by one, Sandy's friends begin dying off in pretty gruesome ways. And just like in their game, once one of them dies, they become one of the "ghosts." But they don't just die; they're completely erased. The only person who can remember those who have died is Sandy. She has to figure out what's going on and how to keep anyone else from dying. Her past comes back to haunt her, and she just may be to blame for her friends' deaths.



The acting is very well done, the effects are amazing, and this one's pretty damn good. I'm fairly sure that it was originally an Asian movie, and I'm pretty disappointed in having found the remake first. But since I really liked this one, I can only imagine how wonderful the original is and can't wait to find it. The "ghosts" in Forget Me Not are creepy as hell, and I found myself wanting to shut my eyes at certain points. I know, I'm a wimp, but I don't care. The characters were very likeable, and I grew to care about them (every movie should have good characters like this), especially Sandy's brother Eli. It was a spur of the moment choice with this one, but overall it is a wonderful movie.

Elements of Horror

I read a few articles about this, but most seem to look into the psychological side of things: what in our psyche draws us to horror. But that's not what I was looking for. So, I'll just tell you what I think the elements of good horror are. Movies don't have to have every single one of these to be good (because that probably wouldn't make much sense anyway), but I think they should have at least a couple.

1. A good (or at least understandable) storyline.
Of course. If we don't know what the hell is going on, we're not going to be interested. I tend to like romantic background stories involving the characters, or some other kind of sob story. It just makes me sympathize with them, and I want them to survive that much more. Plus, there's got to be a good story about the killer(s) as well. I also tend to like sad or traumatic story for them. I like that love/hate relationship I can feel for the killers.

2. Creative kills & lots of gore.
No one wants to see a bunch of people get stabbed in the gut. A knife will get boring after a while, so we need to have some creative and unique kills going on. I think A Nightmare on Elm Street is absolutely fantastic in this category. Since Freddy kills in peoples' dreams, there's literally nothing he can't do, and the resulting kills end up pretty fucking epic. Some people will say that the kills don't matter, and that the story is the most important thing, but that's a load of horseshit. The story is important, yes, but without those awesome kills why bother coming back for more? And yes, I'm a gore whore, so the bloodier and more vicious the better.

3. Lighting
I realize not all horror relies on creepy lighting, but I love the effect it can have. Something popping out of shadows, or being barely visible, or maybe just slightly blurry. I also like the kind of dark lighting a lot of supernatural horror has. It just adds a little oompf to what is already a good movie.

4. Music.
Yes, yes, yes. Think about it. There's a woman hiding, the killer is close by, and about to sneak up on her. It's something very simple, and if it is completely silent, the tension will be gone. The suspenseful music just makes our hearts beat faster.


_{I think Asian horror is very good with all of this (except the titties). Their use of lighting is amazing, the storyline is always good and the villains (or ghosts, usually) are always sympathetic. And they're always just downright creepy as hell.}

5.The setting.
It really does matter where a movie takes place. Some places just aren't scary (even though I realize some movies actually succeed in making non-scary places scary). I always like woods, carnivals, and creepy old houses.

6. Titties
Yes, I said it. I know I'm a girl, but I grew up watching 80s slasher movies. I'm set in my ways, and I stand firm by my belief that if I don't see titties, it ain't a horror movie. Not literally, of course, but it just kind of makes everything better. Everybody loves some good T & A.

7. A good villain.
This might be the most important. I already said that the killer must have a good story, but there are other things that make a good killer. He (or she) should have some sort of thing. Like, he always chains his victims up, always takes their eyes as trophies, or always jacks off over his corpses. It doesn't matter. He needs some kind of constant thing. He also must be vicious, unstoppable, and just downright awesome. He doesn't have to be super strong, but if he's not he should be super smart. If he doesn't rely on his strength to get good kills, he should rely on his brains.

8. Good victims.
Some people might say, "Who cares about them, they're going to die anyway." But it's very important. They should be likeable and interesting. Otherwise, we won't give a shit about them and the whole movie will be ruined. I've watched several movies with completely dull, and the whole thing was ruined for me. So the other characters are very important.

9. Scary moments.
This one's simple. It's those oh shit moments, the ones that make you want to jump out of your seat or shit your pants. The moments that shock & awe you and leave you on the edge of your seat begging for more. I love it.

10. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
Most of my favorite movies include all of this. It's typical, but it works. There's usually a group of people getting fucked up, partying and getting it on. It's all fun and games and then BAM! A bunch of dead fuckers.

11. Comic relief.
I love when a horror movie has a certain character that is fucking hilarious. That way we can laugh, get scared for a minute, laugh again - at least until the funny-man is killed. Think of Ned in the first Friday the 13th. He was silly and made us laugh all the way until he was killed. In A Nightmare on Elm Street, the comic relief happened to be the killer, which gave us a strange but wonderful feeling. In The Evil Dead, it was the hero that was our funny-man, and we all severely love him for it. It's kind of like life. There's got to be some entertainment and some funny stuff amidst all the horror.

#85 -- Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood (1988)

Director: John Carl Buechler

Rating: 5 / 5

First and foremost: Happy Friday the 13th! You know I'll jump on any excuse to talk about my beloved, and here it is. Up until now, I've been doing my Friday reviews in order of their release, but I figured I'd skip a couple so I could do this one. Part seven happens to be my favorite in the series; I cannot get enough of it. So, here we go.

This story is about a girl named Tina. When she was a little girl, her dad hit her mom in an argument. She was so pissed, she killed her dad using telekinesis. Yep, we've got a fucking superhero on our hands in this one, guys. Well, now Tina's all grown up. But her mind's a little frazzled, so she returns to the lake with her mother and her psychiatrist - to exorcise her demons, I guess you could say. Tina actually turns out to be pretty badass.

Tina gets chummy with a boy next door, who is throwing a surprise birthday party for his cousin. But cousin doesn't show up, and Tina's having visions that tell them why. All the kids next door are just like any other teenagers from Friday movies: drunk, fucking, and fucking dumb. Tina gets upset and, while trying to use her telekinesis to bring her father back from the dead, calls Jason up from the depths of Crystal Lake. Tina tries to save all the other dumbshit teenagers, but what's a girl to do when everyone just thinks she's crazy? Her psychiatrist, it turns out, is not concerned with Tina's well being at all - he's just studying her abilities so he can flaunt them. So when get a saw-thing to his face, we're all pretty happy (I'm actually not entirely sure what that weapon was, but it was pretty badass).

I've heard people say that this movie sucks, because it's too "gimmicky". But what the hell? They were trying something new, and even if you don't like the whole telekinesis thing, you've got to admit this movies fucking awesome. And if you don't, well then, fuck you. Like I said, this is my favorite movie EVER, and here are some reasons why.

- This was the first of four that Kane Hodder put on the hockey mask, and he wore it oh so fucking well. The effects team did an AMAZING job, and I think Jason looks better than he ever did before or ever will again. Half his face is missing, you can see his spine and some of the bones in his legs. He's vicious and terrifying and I fucking LOVE IT. Not only was the look better, but the character was better. I know I rant all the time about how awesome Kane is, but I just can't help it. Jason's rage can be felt in this one. I think Kane himself was angry about something, and this was his way of letting that out. Way to go, Kane, way to go. I love it!

- There are some pretty badass kills in this one too. There are spikes to throats, big saw-things to faces, axes & machetes to faces, and a whole lot of other awesome shit.

This should say it all. Am I the only one with a dirty mind who thinks his face looks like a lady's no-no parts?

So, to sum it up. THIS MOVIE FUCKING RULES. It might be a little "gimmicky" but who the fuck cares? I think this is the scariest out of all the rest, and everyone who worked on it did an amazing job.

So rock on, Jason. Happy 13th, now go kill some fuckers for me.

#84 -- Masters of Horror: Valerie on the Stairs (2006)

Director: Mick Garris

Rating: 3 / 5

Valerie on the Stairs was written for MoH by none other than Clive Barker (it was not an actual story, but an idea sent over to MoH). I haven't read very much of his work, but Clive Barker has quickly become one of my favorite authors. Now, if Valerie had been a short story or a book, I'm sure it would have been extraordinary. But as an entry into the Masters of Horror series, in my opinion, it's simply good.

The story centers on Rob, a struggling writer with bills to pay and a book to publish. He finds a house that gives free rooms to unpublished writers, and promptly moves in. As soon as he does, though, strange things start to happen.

It starts as a knocking at Rob's door; when he opens it, there's no one there. Then he starts hearing a woman crying, and he finally sees her on the stairs. She cries out for help, but eventually tells Rob to stay away from her because "he" doesn't want her to see him. She is terribly afraid of whoever "he" is, but seems to return to him every time he calls. Rob goes crazy trying to reveal the mysteries surrounding Valerie. He discovers that Valerie is the creation of three of the writers in the house. Their imaginations have come to life, to live inside the walls. One man, Everett (played by Christopher Lloyd), created The Beast (Tony Todd) that keeps Valerie prisoner. Rob and Everett must travel down to the monster's lair in order to destroy it and rescue Valerie.

This one is the only of the Masters of Horror series that I think would have been better as a full length movie. This isn't to say that it isn't good, or doesn't pack an awful lot of story into a short time. But I think it could have used a little bit more explanation, mostly about Valerie and The Beast, and how she came to be imprisoned by him. It has its good moments, and some pretty vicious kill scenes, and is definitely worth the viewing. It is very strange, in a good way, and I think it definitely found its place in MoH.

To read Clive Barker's "treatment," as he calls it, go here.

#83 -- The Woman in Black (2012)

Director: James Watkins

Rating: 3 / 5

My boyfriend knew that I would not want to see a romantic movie on the most romantic day of the year (Valentine's Day), so for our special V-Day date, we saw The Woman in Black. I'm kind of a late bloomer when it comes to popular things, so I am just now reading the Harry Potter books. I found it difficult to restrain myself from screaming "Harry Potter! Harry Potter" (like on the Potter Pals) when Mr. Radcliffe first appeared. But I was able to direct my attention to the movie and his new character (Arthur Kipps) rather quickly.

Years ago, a woman adopted her sister's son because she found her to be an unfit mother. However, the young boy was killed in the marsh around their home, and his birth mother was very unhappy about it. She'd been trying to get her son back, or at least be able to see him once in a while (they wouldn't even give him her birthday cards), to no avail. She blamed her sister for his death, and soon after took her own life.

In the present, that sister has died, and Mr. Arthur Kipps has been sent to her home to arrange all of her things. He is warned by several villagers that the house is very haunted and very dangerous, but he doesn't believe it at first. After he arrives and takes a look around the house, children start to die. It seems that the villagers don't like him at all, and somehow blame him for the children's deaths. He soon finds out (after he's trapped in the house with no way of leaving) that the suicide victim is haunting the house. She is angry about her son's death, and takes other people's children as a way of consoling herself. One villager told Kipps that, once she is spotted, a child is killed. They're not actually killed, though; The Woman in Black appears to them and convinces them to take their own lives. Children can be seen jumping from windows, lighting themselves on fire, or drinking lye in order to get the job done. Kipps knows he must do something (perhaps reunite the woman with her son), or none of the town's children will be safe. There's only one problem...His own son will be coming to visit him very shortly, and he must find a solution before his child's life is in danger as well.

There are definitely some spooky parts in this movie, and it did make me jump a couple of times. But I think it relied to much on the startle factor, rather than actual fear. We all know the scenes in "ghost" movies, where the spirits pop out of nowhere, or appear in mirrors, etc. These were used to the fullest extent, almost to the point that it seemed overdone. The story was pretty good, and I thought it was filmed beautifully. But was it a great movie? No, but it wasn't awful either. I think Daniel proved himself a pretty good actor outside of his safe zone, and I wish him all the best with his future projects. But overall, this one could have been much better. I think I will have to look into the original film (which I didn't know about until after I'd already seen this one), and see how it compares.

A New Toy and Some News

I guess lately I'm using my blog as a way to update on the status of my little horror collection. I promise it won't be like this forever. But I went back to my new favorite place on Wednesday and bought this cute little guy. The lady laughed at me when I took it to the counter. She said she couldn't believe how popular he still is. Really? He's fucking awesome; what do you expect? But I digress. I believe I'll try to go back every weekend to get something new, and hopefully I'll get a wonderful collection going. I'm pretty proud of it as it is, and it will only continue to get better. I found a Nightmare on Elm Street matchbox car to match my F13 one, and I shall get that one next time. And then...I'm thinking an Evil Dead action figure, so that I can remember Ash as he was and always should be.

Which brings me to my next topic. Some news for you guys. BloodyDisgusting posted an article about the Evil Dead reboot, which has just cast its first character - the male lead. They're going with something a little bit different this time, as they are not using the Ash character. Yes, that's right. So we'll have an Evil Dead movie without Ash. It just doesn't make sense to me, how they can take away a series' most important character. It's like F13 without Jason, or NOES without Freddy. It's just not right. So, although Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are producers on the film, I'm not quite as excited as I thought I'd be. I honestly think they should just skip the reboot and do a fourth movie, with Ash, played by Bruce Campbell. The after-years, or something. I understand Bruce is getting a bit old for the character (at least if they want to start up where they left off), so I guess it's a good thing they chose to exclude him. Because NO ONE else could pull that character off the way he did. But still, I'm not digging the idea. But I will still be seeing the movie, and who knows...Maybe it'll be good.

So what are your thoughts on it? Is it right to take Ash out of the Evil Dead?

To read the full article, go to http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/news/28187