#230 -- Halloween (2007)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Rob Zombie

Last year on Halloween, I reviewed the original movie. So this year I figured it was fitting to watch this one. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'll probably get some shit for this review, and I might lose my credibility as a horror fan...but I don't care.

I saw a couple of the original movies when I was a kid, and I can honestly tell you that Michael Myers never scared me. I was scared shitless of Jason Voorhees; I was creeped out by Freddy; and some of my childhood nightmares featured good 'ol Ghostface. But Michael? Not once. My whole life, I've found the character boring and stupid. The only feelings I had for Michael were hatred, and I scoffed at the mention of his name. But not anymore. I really love Rob Zombie's version of Michael, and I have a new appreciation of the character; though it's more of an appreciation for a new character. A lot of people have a lot of different issues with this reboot, but I share none of them. In my opinion, this is a 100% improvement upon the original movie. I actually like this one!

I think the biggest problem most people have with the remake is that it made Michael a sympathetic character, and they feel that made him less terrifying. But I completely disagree. Personally, I love sympathetic killers. In the original movie, we were told that Michael was crazy; in this one, we got to see it. A good chunk at the beginning of the movie was dedicated to telling the story of Michael's childhood. It began much like real-life serial killers, and we can kind of understand what drove him to become so crazy. His stepfather was a dickhead. His sister was a bitch-whore. He loved his mother, and she loved him; but she was a stripper, and this caused Michael to get ridiculed in school. He was bullied at school and home alike, and it was quite sad. I felt bad for him, really. So I wasn't surprised when he killed his stepfather, older sister, and his sister's boyfriend while his mother was at work one night. For a child, the murders were very gruesome. He slit his stepfather's throat, stabbed his sister seventeen times, and bashed her boyfriend's head in with a baseball bat. He also killed one of his school bullies, by beating him to death with a tree branch. See, he was fucking vicious, even as a child.

After murdering three people, he was sent away to a mental facility, where he murdered at least one more. His mother visited him regularly, up until the point that he murdered a nurse with a fork. Why in the hell they let him have a metal fork, I'll never know. I think I'd make him eat with his hands. But after that, his mother decided to end her own life. I'm not sure if she blamed herself for the way he turned out, or if she just couldn't handle the situation any longer.

Cut to fifteen years later, and Michael was a giant hulk of a man who wore creepy hand-made masks. He was getting ready to be transported to prison finally, but he killed all the guards and escaped. Of course, he made his way back home to find the little sister that he left alive. In the original movie, we didn't even know that Laurie was his sister. In this one, they mention something about it, but it's still a little bit vague until the end. He didn't want to hurt her at all. He just wanted to find her, because she was one of the only two people he actually cared about. But of course, Laurie, having been adopted as a baby, knew nothing of this. So when this giant man killed her friends and came after her, she was terrified. Honestly, I would be too. One part that really showed Michael as a sympathetic character was when he finally got Laurie to himself. He sat down, almost like he was waiting to be punished, as he showed her a picture of him holding her when she was a baby. She didn't understand, though, and stabbed him in the neck with his own knife. It was an extremely sad moment, and I almost teared up a little bit. After that, it did seem like he was trying to harm  her, though I'm not sure I believe it. Maybe she did piss him off; maybe he changed his mind and wanted to kill her. But I think he was afraid that he was going to lose the last of his family. I think he just desperately wanted to show her who she was and stitch what little family he had back together.

People think that making him a sympathetic character, and making most of the other characters assholes, was a problem. But not every other character was an asshole. Laurie and her friends were just kids, so they were the ones we were really supposed to be rooting for. People also feel that it makes him less frightening, because the killer is the one we can sympathize with and relate to. Did you not notice that he was fucking seven feet tall? And he was played by Tyler Mane, a former professional wrestler. So that's not a trick of the camera; he actually is that big. Personally, I don't care how much was abused as a child; I don't care if he's sad. If I see a seven foot tall giant coming toward me with a knife, I'm shitting myself and blubbering like a fool in a corner. Not only is he huge, but he's stronger than any normal man should be. And he's angry, and fucking vicious as hell. People say the original Michael was scarier, and I'm wondering if we're watching the same movie. In no way, shape, or form is this Michael less terrifying than the old Michael. In my opinion, he is better in every way. Finally, I can think of Michael Myers and feel something other than anger at how stupid he is. Sure, I can relate to this Michael, but the difference is that I'm five feet tall, out of shape, and I could never hurt anyone. He's huge, and he could rip me in half with one hand tied behind his back. I don't care how much I can relate to his story; I don't care if we have a couple of things in common, or I feel bad for him. It's his size and strength that make him terrifying, and it's his history that makes me like him. The old Michael had none of that going for him. I love that it sufficiently explained Michael. It explained his home life and what drove him to become a killer; and it explained small things, like how he got the mask. The mask, too, is another thing I believe was better in this movie.


Even if you don't care for this new Michael, you've got to admit that young Michael was creepy as hell. Daeg Faerch did an absolutely amazing job, in my opinion. I think I'd put him in the top five of creepy kids. He was very good at acting like a crazy little nutjob, and the murder scenes were very disturbing. It's unsettling to think of a child doing such grisly things.

I do understand what everyone's saying, though. A lot of people grew up with Michael Myers, so in their eyes, no remake could ever compare. I get it. I feel the same way about Friday the 13th. But I didn't grow up with Michael like I did Jason, so I don't have that emotional attachment to him, and I can recognize that this was an improvement. So, go ahead. Stone me if you wish. Call me bad names, whatever makes you feel better. But I definitely prefer this remake to the original Halloween.

#229 -- The Human Centipede 2 [Full Sequence] (2011)

Rating: 1 / 5
Director: Tom Six

Raise your hand if you thought the first Human Centipede was gross and fucked up. Well, you're in for a big surprise with this one, guys. You probably thought there couldn't be anything worse than that first one, right? Oh, how wrong you were. This is on such a different level than the first that I can't even begin to tell you. Well, yes, I can; that's why I'm here.

The problem I have with this one is that it was just trying to gross me out. That was its only purpose. Yeah, the first one was trying to do the same thing, but at least it made some kind of sense. This one, you can tell it's only going for the gross-out by the way the main character was portrayed. He was absolutely disgusting. The killer, Martin, was almost more disgusting than the centipede was. He was a fat bug-eyed bastard who was half naked throughout most of the movie. I mean, really? You've got people shitting in other peoples' mouths, do I really have to sit here and watch this fat slob of a man go into coughing fits every fucking three seconds? He was fucked up in the head, for sure. It's got way too much back story on him, I guess to make us understand why he's so fucked up. But personally, I don't care why he's fucked up. But here it is: he was raped by his father when he was a baby. We know he was a baby, because in his flashbacks, we can clearly hear a baby crying. And get this, while he was doing it, his dad was saying, "Stop all those tears, you're just making daddy's willy harder." Seriously? Add to that fact that his mother hated him for having his father sent to prison and you've got the perfect recipe for insanity. His mom actually tried to kill him, but her plan backfired when he bashed her face in with his crowbar. Like, there was absolutely nothing left of her face. And then he sat her down and had dinner with her. That was actually the best part of the movie, in my opinion.

Anyways, this one actually acknowledged the fact that the first one was just a movie. Martin was obsessed with it. And I mean, obsessed. I think it was because he was so fat that he couldn't even get out of bed to take a shit, so he thought it was a good idea to just have someone's mouth there to shit in. He should have just done it to himself. If he really wanted to torture people, he should have included himself as part of the sequence. There would be nothing more terrifying than having your face stapled to that fat fuck's ass. But I digress. He had a scrapbook of the movie, with detailed drawings of the procedures, and he masturbated with sandpaper while watching it. They really wanted us to know that this guy was messed up. So, he was so obsessed that he decided to recreate the centipede, but he wanted to step it up a little bit. He wanted it to be more like a real centipede, so he abducted twelve people instead of just three. He worked at a parking garage, and that's where he got all his victims. I find it strange that he apparently worked in the garage alone, and no one--not a one damn person--noticed twelve people missing from the same place.

Oh, and it's in black and white for no reason at all.

So, he had some people in his warehouse that no one cares about. But one of them was a pregnant lady. He got her and her husband, and left her infant son in the car by himself. When he first started to put the people together, the pregnant woman died. Another guy died too, but I was mostly worried about the pregnant lady. At the end, it turned out that she wasn't dead at all. She woke up and escaped. She got into a car outside, gave birth, kicked the baby aside, and smashed its head underneath the gas pedal. I repeat: seriously? I mean, what the fuck is the point? I get it, maybe she was just so worried about getting out of there that she didn't give a shit. But personally, I wouldn't kill my newborn baby for anything. I don't think anyone would.

He also got one of the stars of the first movie to be in his sequence. She stuck a funnel in his ass and threw his pet centipede in it to feast upon his insides. Once the pregnant lady escaped, he killed everyone else, though. So, again, I really don't see the point.

Yeah, it's gross. I'm not easily disgusted, I'll tell you the truth. The part that got me the most was when he severed the tendons in peoples' kneecaps. I've always had issues with my knees, and anything like that just really fucks with me. Also, when he gave everyone an injection of laxatives. You could hear the diarrhea sounds so clearly, and it really, truly was the most disgusting movie I have ever seen. I thought the first one was okay. I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it. This one is just fucking terrible. I mean, 100% awful. There's no point. I've wasted my life and made myself not want to eat anything else EVER. All for the purpose of being able to share it with you. You should feel oh, so very special.

Ew.

#228 -- Kill Theory (2009)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Chris Moore

Okay, let's get something straight. This movie is not scary. There are no jump scares, there's nothing that will make you have nightmares, and it is far from shit-your-pants terrifying. Being scary isn't what makes this movie good. It's what happens to your brain when you watch it that makes it worth it. It will make you think hard about yourself and your own primal instincts, and it will make you question your humanity.

It started off with a man who killed his friends. He didn't stab them, shoot or maim them. A rock climbing accident left them all suspended from a rope, he chose his own life over theirs, and he cut them loose. This landed him in a metal facility for three years. He was released, because the doctor thought he finally began to realize that what he did was wrong. His theory--the kill theory--was that everyone would do the same in that situation. When he was released, he set out to prove that theory.

There was a group of soon to be college graduates partying at a lake house. It started off like any other camp horror movie, but it turned into something more. One of them was murdered, and the killer sent a tape explaining their situation. They were to kill each other, and they had until six o'clock the next morning. When six o'clock came, if more than one person was left alive, they would be killed. If one person walked away alone, they would be spared. It's not that he wanted them dead; he only wanted to prove that deep down, we're all killers. He wanted to prove that everyone has that primal survival instinct, and that everyone would choose their own lives over anyone else's.

Soon, the friends began to turn on each other. Each of them wanted to survive, and they eventually realized that, in order to do that, they would have to kill their friends. There was only one among them that was willing to try and fight the mysterious killer, rather than kill anyone else. In fact, he was willing to kill himself just to save his girlfriend's life. All the rest were concerned only about their own survival.

The killer was good and creepy. He only communicated via video or a walkie talkie, and we didn't see his face until the very end. He was mysterious, and his voice was deep and raspy. There was some pretty impressive gore in there too. But let's talk about what this movie's real purpose is. It's to make us think about what we would do in the same situation.

Would you ride it out, try to fight the killer, or would  you sink to his level and murder all your friends? There were several different types of characters in the movie. There was the asshole who didn't think twice about killing his friends. There was the hysterical one who's fear eventually drove him to kill his friends; the girl who gave up and accepted that she was going to die. And, finally, the girl who relied on her boyfriend to keep her safe, until she finally realized that the only way she'd be safe was by killing him. Who would you be?

I think most people would say that they would never kill their friends. But not me. I know that I would be extremely concerned about my own survival. So, initially, I'd say that I would do it. I would kill them to make sure I stayed alive. But when I really think about it, I feel that I couldn't do it. If I had to look in my boyfriend's face, knowing that I had to kill him or die...I think I'd go insane before I was able to do anything. But, realistically, no one knows how they would react unless they were actually put into the situation. I think that I'd try to ride it out for a while. When it got close to the end, hysterics would set in, and I'd go crazy on someone. So, I think I'd be the girl relying on her boyfriend until she finally kills him.

There were some good movie elements going on here, but I liked this because it asked me a question that is impossible to answer. So I repeat: who would you be?

#227 -- American Horror House (2012)

Rating: 2.5 / 5
Director: Darin Scott

Ah, another Syfy original movie. I really wasn't expecting much, and I honestly didn't want to watch it. But it was recorded on my DVR, and I really didn't feel like getting a DVD or searching through Netflix or On Demand. So, American Horror House it was. It's a Syfy original, so I knew it wasn't going to be great. But I was surprised to find that, as far as Syfy originals go, it was actually pretty good. That being said, I still didn't love it.

It's about a sorority house where some murders happened a long time ago. A crazy little girl murdered her parents, after cooking the cat for dinner. These days, the sorority mother is crazy and kills everyone in the house, and it's haunted by everyone who has been murdered there. What I liked about this was that the kills were actually pretty cool. There was a girl chopped into tiny little pieces by some violin strings. A girl got saw-blades to her face, and another was stabbed in the eye with a beer bottle. The kills weren't problem.

I liked the story to begin with. We saw the crazy little girl at the beginning, and she was singing Itsy Bitsy Spider sitting in front of her parents' bloody corpses. She was pretty creepy, and her short role was actually the best, in my opinion. Hell week for the sorority pledges happened around Halloween, of course, so everyone thought that everything happening was either a Halloween prank or part of initiation. The house mother, you'll be super surprised to discover, wasn't who she said she was, and she wasn't just a plain 'ol killer. Shocker! It was predictable, but that wasn't the problem either. I can forgive it for that. The problem was that it got boring. I wanted to like it, I really did. But after a while, what I liked about it in the beginning began to get redundant. Sure, there are ghosts. Yeah, they're killing people. Get on with it. It really didn't do much more than that. The surprise ending wasn't surprising at all, and it took too long for any real story line to come along.

Besides all the bad stuff, I will still say that this was pretty good for what it was. I've seen a couple of other Syfy originals, and they're all pretty bad. This one wasn't terrible, but it could have used more of a background story, or at least they could have gotten to it a bit quicker. Morgan Fairchild was pretty good as the killer sorority mother, but she wasn't all that creepy to me. It seemed like she tried to be scary, but it really didn't work. The creepiest moments were the few scenes of her younger self singing Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Overall, it was okay. The last Syfy original movie I watched was Haunted High, and this one was much, much better. It wasn't great; but considering where it came from, I was surprised at how not-terrible it was. Here's what you can expect: good kills, hot girls in bikinis, ghosts that aren't scary, and a bad-ass girl that you can really root for. Other than that, you won't get very much out of it.

#226 -- A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

Rating: 5 / 5
Director: Chuck Russell

I looked into a few reviews and comments about this movie, and it seems that some people think it is stupid. A new idea was introduced in this one, as well as a new trait in Freddy's personality. It's also the movie in which Freddy's nemesis was finally destroyed. Some people don't like that. It would be different if it had been done way later in the series; but at this point, the franchise was still young, so I think it was okay for them to switch things up a bit and make it more interesting. Personally, I think if they hadn't, Freddy wouldn't have become as much of an icon as he is. But that's just me.

Anyways, this one steers away from the direction the second movie took; meaning it's actually really good. I didn't understand the second one, really. In the first, Freddy was taking revenge on those who killed him by murdering their children. I guess he figured, kill their kids so they live the rest of their lives knowing it was their fault. That's more than enough to make someone's life miserable. But in the second, Freddy wanted to possess the main character, for whatever reason. But in this one, he returns to wanting all the kids dead. The story centers on Kristen, one of the many Elm Street children. She is sent to Westin Hills psychiatric hospital after what her mother believed was a suicide attempt (but which was actually an attack by Freddy, of course). She's joined by a group of other teenagers having the same problems: the dreams about the horribly burned man in the Christmas sweater. Heather Langenkamp returns as Nancy; she's all grown up, and she works at Westin Hills. She's been taking a drug called Hypnocil, which suppresses her dreams and keeps the boogeyman away. She wants to give it to the kids, but certain problems prevent that from happening.

Nancy soon discovers that Kristen has the ability to pull other people into her dreams, meaning that they can form a sort of army against Freddy. They also discover that they can do whatever they want in their dreams. Why no one figured this out before now, I have no clue. Kristen is a gymnast in her dreams; Taryn is a badass chick; Will, wheelchair-bound after a suicide attempt, can walk in his dreams. And he's also the Wizard Master. Kincaid, the tough guy, is super strong when he dreams; Joey, the cute mute guy, has a very powerful voice in dreamland. And Nancy is just Nancy, I guess. So, once they realize that they can have all these powers in their dreams, they decide to go in after Freddy, in hopes that, together, they can take him.

What I love about this one is just that: the dream powers. If Freddy can do all these crazy things, why shouldn't the kids be able to have powers? And they are dreams, after all; anything is possible. This one also has one of my favorite death scenes ever. A guy named Phillip has the tendons in  his arms ripped out, and they're used as marionette strings, with Freddy as the puppeteer. He ends up making Phillip jump out of a window. It just looks so amazing. So, I love that they introduced the dream powers in this one, and I'm not actually sure if they ever used it again. I know everyone always brought Freddy into the real world, but I can't quite remember if they ever had special powers in their dreams. But, anyways, I loved that. This is also the movie where Freddy's sense of humor really started. He got silly. Some people might not like that, but honestly...Freddy wouldn't be the same otherwise. Just think about if you were in the kids' shoes. There's this scary dude trying to kill them. They're going to be mad at him to begin with, right? Well, on top of that, he's making fun of them too. They've got to be pissed. But we, as audience members, just find it hilarious. That's what makes everyone love Freddy. He's scary, but he's also funny. You don't know whether to laugh or run away and hide.

So I loved how they switched it up in this movie, but I have a few questions. We know why Freddy exists. He was killed by the parents of Elm Street, and his revenge was to kill all of their children. In this one, Nancy says that the kids in Westin Hills are the last of the Elm Street children. Since Nancy was killed in this one, and remaining kids were killed in the next movie, why did Freddy continue killing? This question wasn't answered until, I believe, Wes Craven's New Nightmare. Freddy said that, when he died, he was offered a "job" by some demons. So, it was his job to kill children then. I guess he just decided that, if he had to kill some, he might as well get some revenge while he was at it. And once he was finished with his revenge, he still had a job to do, so he just kept on going. That was until no one was scared of him anymore, and he had to bring in my husband to put some fear back into the hearts of the kids on Elm Street.

Another thing I liked about this movie was that it went a little deeper into Freddy's past. We learned how he was born, and how he got the nicknamed "bastard son of a hundred maniacs." We got to meet Freddy's mother, and it kind of gave us a clue of why he was so messed up in his life. We got to understand him better.

This has always been my favorite of the Nightmare movies, and I know it always will be. Dream powers, a nun being raped by 100 crazy men, and Dokken. Can't forget them. I actually knew nothing about them until I saw the movie, but the theme song to Dream Warriors is fantastic. You should definitely have a listen.

I don't have a problem with the new direction they took with Freddy. I'm glad they decided to make him a comical character. It's just another reason why A Nightmare on Elm Street is different from any other horror movie ever made.

#225 -- The Uninvited (2009)

Rating: 3 / 5
Directors: Charles Guard & Thomas Guard

I hate when this happens, I really do. I can't stand seeing a remake before I see the original, but it happens so often to me. When I first saw this, I just knew that it was originally an Asian horror movie. But when I looked around, I couldn't find anything. So I just figured I was wrong. This time around, though, I found it. It's a remake of a 2003 movie from South Korea called A Tale of Two Sisters. I've known about the movie for a while, but I never put two and two together, and now I feel like an ass. I know that remakes very rarely live up to their Asian originals, but with this one, I don't have any real reason to say that it's not as good--except for that I just assume it's not automatically. Eventually, I'll see the original. But as for right now, I think this one is all right. It has its issues, but it's not a completely un-entertaining movie.

It's about Anna, a girl whose sick mother died in a tragic house fire. She can't remember the accident, and she's been in a mental hospital ever since, and she's plagued by nightmares she can't explain. Her doctor decides, though, that she's ready to go back home. I'm not really sure why. She was still having the nightmares, and she still couldn't remember what happened. She didn't seem insane, but I don't think that she was quite ready to go back home. Maybe he just thought being back home would help her remember. So, she returns home to discover that her father is going to marry the woman who helped take care of her mother. She doesn't like Rachel, and neither does Ann'a sister Alex. She slowly begins to remember bits and pieces of the accident, and she and Alex are convinced that Rachel had something to do with it. They do some digging, and discover that Rachel isn't who she says she is. They think that she is actually a woman named Mildred Kemp, a nanny who murdered the children of her employer, because she had become obsessed with him. They believe that's what she's trying to do to them: kill them so that she can have their father all to herself.

When their father leaves for a business trip, things get out of hand. The girls are drugged, the police are involved, and Rachel ends up dead. There's a twist at the end that really should have been expected all along, but I think they did a good job masking it. There were actually two parts to the twist, one of which was a little more obvious than the other. It's not entirely shocking, and it's not one of those "Oh my god!" moments, but it's okay. Overall, I thought it was a pretty good movie.

I think remakes of Asian horror have one main problem: that they're remakes of Asian horror. For fans of the genre, even if you haven't seen the original, I think some will go into it assuming that it's bad. If you assume something is going to be bad, you're probably going to find reasons to prove yourself right. I know I'm guilty of it, especially with Asian horror. So, I think it might actually be good thing that I haven't seen the original. I went into it not really expecting anything, so I enjoyed it. Had I seen the original first, I probably wouldn't have liked it. Maybe it's not a good thing. Maybe I'm just making excuses because I feel like an ass for not having seen A Tale of Two Sisters before I saw this. But either way, I thought The Uninvited was an interesting movie, with a few problems that made it kind of dull--but not completely. Emily Browning, who went on to star in Suckerpunch, was Anna; Arielle Kebbel, from American Pie's Band Camp played Alex; and Elizabeth Banks, who everyone knows, was Rachel. So it had some pretty good actors in it, but I don't think they fully got into their roles. Elizabeth Banks was pretty creepy, and I think it might have been better as an original movie with her as a crazy serial killer. But alas, it is what it is.

Okay, final words. If you're a fan of the original, honestly you probably won't like this. I don't say that because I know anything about the original; I say it because I know how people are, including myself. But, if you're new to it, like me, you might just enjoy it.

#224 -- The Hills Run Red (2009)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Dave Parker

I am terribly guilty of judging movies by their covers. If a movie has something cool or creepy on the cover, I will be running to see it. That's how I felt about The Hills Run Red. I'd seen the cover a million times, and I always thought that doll face was creepy as hell. Often I'm let down when this happens, but there are a few rare occasions where the cover isn't the best thing about the movie. This is one of those occasions.

While The Hills does have its problems, it is definitely a wonderful movie. It's got scares and gross-outs; it has its unsettling moments, and has scenes that will appeal to all gore whores like myself. Some of the scenes and ideas are downright disturbing, but that's what made me love it. It's also the kind of horror movie that pokes fun at horror movies. The characters make fun of horror movie cliches, while at the same time, they are horror movie cliches. Much like in Scream, when Sidney said she hated when girls in horror movies ran upstairs, and then she turned around and ran up the stairs when Ghostface came after her. It's the same kind of idea. It doesn't work quite as well here as it did in Scream, but it did work.

The story followed Tyler (Tad Hilgenbrink, who I know as Matt Stifler from American Pie's Band Camp), a horror movie enthusiast intent on locating an old, out of print movie. The movie was called The Hills Run Red, and it was said that it was so terrifying and disturbing that it was removed from theaters and vanished forever. It was about a killer named Babyface, who apparently kept and stored the bodies of his victims. The only thing that was left of the movie was a trailer, so that's all anyone really knew about it. After twenty years, Tyler figured it was time that someone found it. There were only a few people in the world who had actually seen the movie, and all of the cast members were never heard from after its release. Its director, Mr. Concannon, was also never heard from again. The only link Tyler had to the movie was Concannon's daughter, Alexa. Tyler tracked her down, only to discover that she was a drug addicted stripper. He cleaned her up, and she promised to lead them to her father's old house, where the movie was stored.

The house was truly in the middle of nowhere. They drove through a small town, and through the woods. Then they had to park their car and hike through the woods to get to the house. They set up camp at night, and they were ambushed by a couple of rednecks. The rednecks wanted to make a porn movie, because that's where the real money was, and they tied the group up and attempted to rape Alexa. But that's when Babyface showed up. He killed the rednecks, and Alexa fled. Babyface chased after her, leaving the others to escape. Their cell phones actually did work way out in the woods, but they were so far in that it was impossible to tell the 911 operator where they were. They could have gone back to their car, but they were too worried about Alexa, and they went after her. They eventually did find Concannon's house, and Concannon himself, only to realize that he was crazy as hell. It turns out, his "movie" was real, and he had been filming it for the last twenty years.

There was a twist that everyone should have seen coming, but it wasn't disappointing in any way. It involved an inbred family of crazies, but not like what we're used to. It wasn't like Wrong Turn; they didn't want to eat anyone. They just wanted to make a movie that was actually realistic. It also involved a boy who was so devoted to his family's craft that he cut his own face off and sewed on a porcelain doll mask in its place.

I really enjoyed The Hills Run Red. I'm glad that I decided to buy it, because I wasn't disappointed at all. I wish they would have done more with Babyface, because I think he could have been a lot more terrifying than he was. Other than that, I have no problems. The actors all did a wonderful job, I think. Director Dave Parker, and writers John Carchietta, John Dombrow, and David J. Schow also did a great job. The ending was actually really good, disturbing, and hinted at a sequel (hopefully) in the future. Overall, I thought it was a really wonderful movie, and I can't wait to see more of Babyface.

#223 -- Fright Night (2011)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Craig Gillespie

I was kind of hesitant about this one, because I really enjoyed the original. That being said, it really wasn't as bad as I feared. I know a lot of people probably  hate it, but I'm not one of them. The difference, I think, is that I didn't grow up with the original. I didn't see it until I was probably around sixteen, so I don't really have any emotional attachments to it. I'm not saying the remake is better than the original, because it's not even close. I'm just saying that it really wasn't all that bad. I had a couple of problems with the movie, mostly the characters, but for the most part, it was okay.

My biggest problem was the relationship between Charlie and Evil Ed. In the original, they were best friends. I could tell that they hind the kind of relationship that I had with my best friend in high school. The rip-your-head-off kind of best friends, but they're there for each other when the time comes. But in this one, they weren't friends at all. They had been friends at one point, but Charlie abandoned Ed to get in with the popular crowd. Amy was one of the hot girls, but she wasn't annoying. I actually liked her better than the original Amy, because she was a strong female character. But Charlie was a cool guy; he wasn't the dorky kid we remember from the original. Ed was still a nerd (he was played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who was McLovin'), but he was kind of an asshole, and he wasn't as awesome or silly as Stephen Geoffreys. It was Ed who believed that Jerry was a vampire, not Charlie. Charlie thought he was nuts, and it wasn't until Ed disappeared (because he was changed really fast) that Charlie started to believe him. I didn't like Jerry as much, either. Sure, Colin Ferrell is much better looking than Chris Sarandon, but that didn't make the character more likable. Jerry, in the original, was a classy fellow. He was polite, and he pretty much stayed to himself until Charlie started digging around. In this one, he wasn't afraid of letting people know what he was. And he was kind of a whore. When Charlie caught up with Peter Vincent, I wasn't too fond with the direction they took with him either. I liked Peter in the original. Here, he was a sort of Criss Angel wannabe, and he was a drunk whore too. He was really quick to believe Charlie's story, unlike the real Peter Vincent, who took quite a bit of convincing (and for a while only pretended to believe to appease Charlie).

So, the only characters I didn't really have a problem with were Charlie, Amy, and Charlie's mom. Charlie was different, but not really in a bad way. I liked the dorky Charlie, but cool Charlie wasn't bad. Amy and Ms. Bruster were cool chicks, and I didn't have a problem with them at all.

Even though I had some problems with how they changed it, overall, I didn't think it was that bad. It still had a little bit of humor, though not nearly as much as the original. It didn't have the awesome cheesy gore, like the original either. I did think that Jerry's true vampire form looked better in this one (I really didn't like how he looked in the original), but Amy...Amy was fucking awesome in the original. When she transformed, it was weird and terrifying. They tried to keep it that way in this one, but it just didn't quite work as well. This one didn't have quite as much charm as the original did, but I can't really fault it for that. The '80s was a decade full of awesome horror movies, and they just cannot be copied.

It is absolutely impossible for me to watch remakes and pretend they're not remakes. I can't look at them as if they're original, because they're not. So, I don't even try anymore. I have to compare the two. So, did I think the remake lived up to the original? Not by a long shot. But as far as remakes go, it really wasn't all that bad. I've definitely seen worse (like A Nightmare on Elm Street, for instance). I would choose the original any day.

#222 -- The Grudge (2004)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Takashi Shimizu

I'm finally starting to recognize a few Japanese directors. It's a really good thing, because I love Japanese horror, but I never really know what to look for as far as who knows what they're doing. I did notice that Sam Raimi is one of the producers, which always gives me high hopes. Ted Raimi had a small role in the movie, too, of course. But anyways, back to the my Japanese directors. I know Takashi Miike is wonderful, but I'm still on the fence about Shimizu. The only other of his films I've seen is Marebito, and I didn't enjoy that one very much. Ju-On, however, I really did enjoy. I wouldn't call it one of my favorite movies, though, which is why I also really enjoy the remake. This is one of the few remakes (especially of Japanese horror) that I feel is just as good as the original, and that's probably because they were both directed by Shimizu. I think that, if an American had tried his/her hands at the remake, it wouldn't have been as good. Americans are very good when it comes to blood and guts and a lot of gore, but the kings and queens of creepiness definitely goes to the folks in Japan. Maybe Japanese people are just creepy by nature, I'm not sure. But they sure as hell know how to creep the fuck out of me.

I think at this point, people know what this is all about. Whether you're a fan of the original, or you've seen the remake, everyone knows about Kayako. It is Japanese legend that when someone dies in anger or sorrow, that the anger remains. So, when Kayako was murdered (along with her son and their cat) by her jealous husband, that rage stayed in their house. A family moved in three years later; two of them were killed, and one was left mute and presumably insane. Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and her boyfriend, Doug (Jason Behr) were exchange students from America, and Karen volunteered at a care center. She was sent to the house to look over the elderly woman I mentioned earlier, because the woman's former care-taker was missing (she was up in the attic with Kayako). As soon as she entered the house, she knew something was wrong. She finally met Toshio, the young boy who had been murdered, and Kayako. The old woman was killed, and Karen was hospitalized briefly. It didn't leave her insane, but it did leave her with a sense of purpose. She was determined to learn the story of Kayako and Toshio, and to figure out why their spirits couldn't leave the house.

She did some digging, and found that Kayako had fallen in love (or was obsessed with) an American college professor (Bill Pullman). The professor was married, and probably didn't share her feelings. But when Kayako's husband learned of it, he was outraged. He killed her, drowned their son and his cat, and then hung himself. Karen thought burning the house to the ground would end the curse. But the house was not destroyed, and neither was the grudge. Because we all know that the only person who can end a grudge is the person who holds it. And, personally, I don't think Kayako will ever get over being murdered by her own husband.

I think this series of movies has become a legend if not only for its sound effects. As if corpse-like women crawling down stairs in very unnatural positions isn't scary enough, there had to be even more terrifying sound effects. There was Toshio's angry cat sounds, and Kayako's death rattle. That death rattle is completely terrifying, because...well, I don't really know why. I think that might be what it sounds like when someone's dying, and it definitely meant death to all who heard it. Maybe just because it's so foreign; we don't hear sounds like that everyday, and we know what it means for the characters. When we hear it, we shudder, because we can imagine the long, black hair and the deathly woman who comes crawling from around the corner after it.

If you take nothing else from The Grudge, it at least gives you a new way to torture your easily frightened friends. Just throw a little death rattle at them, and watch them piss their pants waiting for Kayako to get them.

#221 -- Masters of Horror: Pick Me Up (2006)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Larry Cohen

I think this is the first movie I saw from Masters of Horror. So, since this was the one that got me into it, it has a special place in my heart. It's not my favorite of the bunch, but it will always be the one that started it all.

It started off like any typical horror movie. There was a group of people on a bus going who knows where. The bus broke down, leaving the group stranded. One girl left, saying that she couldn't wait for help to arrive because she had something way too important to do. Two of the group went with a trucker to the nearest trading post, and the other two stayed with the bus driver. Those two and the bus driver met with a cowboy who killed them all. The cowboy was played by Warren Kole from the new TV show Common Law. He was a nut case, for sure. He was a professional hitchhiker, I guess you could say. He hitched rides with people, then he killed them and stole their vehicles. One girl he took to a hotel, tied her up, and started cutting her skin off. The girl who ran away from the group happened to be in the room next door, and she just thought it was a couple getting rowdy. Next to her was the trucker that picked up the other two. He had already killed them, and he realized that there was someone else out there taking his victims. The girl was strong; she was a fighter, they both knew it. And they both wanted her.

She was trapped between the two of them, and it didn't seem like she'd ever get away. What started off like a typical horror movie turned into a serial killer vs. serial killer type of thing. It was really interesting. In the end, I thought the girl might have a chance, but I was wrong. The message this story has to tell is that everyone is fucking crazy. You're not safe from anyone, no matter how safe you might think you are.

At just under an hour, this entry into MoH is just as good as a lot of full length movies I've seen, and better than a lot of them. That's no surprise, though, because all the Masters of Horror movies are like that. They're not long, but they pack a  hell of a story, and they're all wonderful. Some are not as good as others, but I've yet to see one that I thought was bad.

Warren Kole was amazing, and he gave me that funny feeling that I like. He was one of those guys that I see so often in horror movies; the kind that are so damn crazy that it's sexy. Maybe it's just me, but I'm way attracted to crazy guys (at least, as long as they're nowhere near me). The trucker reminded me of Jack Nicholson, for some reason. One of the girls, Birdie, made me think of Suzanne Somers. So there really was only one familiar face in this one, but there were faces that made me think of other faces.

While I wouldn't call this one the best, it's definitely good. Netflix removed all the MoH movies, after having them available forever. But you can watch this one, and probably a few others, on Youtube. Pick Me up is a solid four stars, because it's different, interesting, and it's very well done. But, if you're a fan of the series, I definitely don't have to tell you that.

#220 -- Nine Lives (2002)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Rodrigo Garcia

I've known about this movie for a long time, but I was never interested in seeing it. I'm not sure why, but it just didn't seem like something I'd enjoy. Now that I have seen it, I definitely understand. It's not a bad story, that part is actually pretty good, the problem was...Well, I'm not really sure what the problem was; I just didn't dig it. I think it was the fact that there was only one character I gave a shit about, and he ended up annoying me in the end anyway. But honestly, it was just kind of boring.

It was about a group of friends who go to a nice, big house in Scotland for a birthday party. One of them found an old book, telling the story of the man who used to own the house. His name was Murray, I think, and he was involved in a war between Scotland and Europe. Europe wanted to steal Scotland's land, or something. During the war, Murray was tortured, and he had his eyes cut out and fed to him. When the book was opened, his soul was unleashed. The guy who opened the book was possessed. His eyes turned black, and he tried to kill the guy that was in the room with him. That guy killed him, though, and then Murray possessed him. So, if someone killed whoever was currently possessed, then that person became possessed. It's an interesting idea, I'll give it that. It made things really hard on the characters. They didn't know who to trust. And when one of their friends tried to kill them, they knew that they'd become possessed afterwards. But they couldn't resist the urge to kill them. Kill or be killed, and let's face it, all of us would do the same thing.

In the end, they figured that, if they killed themselves before the person they killed died, the chain would be broken. Fucking genius. Why didn't anyone think of it sooner? Could've saved a couple of lives, dont'cha think?

The characters were completely forgettable. Notice that the only name I've stated is Murray. That's because I can't really remember the rest of them. I remember Laura, the main character, and Jo (played by Paris Hilton, who thankfully was the first to go). But the rest could be anything from Pedro to Ramma-lamma-ding-dong, for all I know. I do remember that the main character, Laura, got on my nerves. She elected herself leader of the group when people started dying. She bossed everyone around, and they had to do exactly what she said at all times. Personally, I would've taken her out just to shut her up. But anyways, when I can't remember the characters' names, that's a sign to me that the movie wasn't doing its job. I just didn't give a shit, honestly. I wasn't interested, even though the story was good, like I said. There wasn't anything about it scary or remotely creepy. Yeah, when they became possessed, their eyes turned black, but it wasn't anything amazing. The kills were boring, the characters were boring, and I couldn't even give it my full attention. It became background noise while I played the Sims on my Kindle. I was more interested in characters I created than the ones on the screen.

#219 -- Fear of Clowns (2004)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Kevin Kangas

The fear of clowns, or coulrophobia, is easy to explain. It is the fear of something that's just not right. Clowns are supposed to be silly, fun and entertaining. They're supposed to bring laughter, not fear. So when a clown becomes menacing, becomes a murderer, the idea is absolutely terrifying. It's just not right. It is something that some people, as children, loved. We've all seen them at the circus, or had them at our birthday parties, and they've made us laugh and giggle. Hell, I've got a clown in my family. They're all fun and games until they rip your heart out. I know, because I used to be terrified of them, as I'm sure everyone has. I grew out of it, and grew to love them, but I still realize that they can be damn scary. The clown in this movie, however, doesn't scare  me one bit. He is menacing, he is creepy, he is strong, and his weapon of choice should instill fear in even the bravest of hearts. But there are a couple of things that make him completely un-scary for me. Okay, maybe just one thing, but we'll get to that a bit later. First, let's take a look at the movie.

It's about an artist named Lynn who paints scary clown for a living. I'm not sure what her fixation on clowns is all about. I don't think she was afraid of them to begin with, but I can't be sure. I can be sure, though, that she grew terrified of them rather quickly. First she saw the clown outside her window. She passed out and woke up with the cops by her side. He did come into her house, but he didn't harm her in any way. Then people around her started dying. First it was a family that lived a couple houses down, then a friend, and another friend, and her boss, and eventually her husband. I must point out that you shouldn't feel sad that her husband was killed. They were in the middle of a divorce, he was attempting to take everything from her (including their son), and he hired someone to kill her, probably to get the life insurance money. He didn't hire the clown to kill her, but you'll learn that Clown and Husband were connected.

The clown had nothing against Lynn that I could tell. He was crazy. He had been seeing a psychiatrist because he heard voices and such, and he thought that killing her would make him all better. I think maybe he just saw her and latched onto her; his messed up brain gave him the idea of killing her to cure himself. Lynn had the help of her new boyfriend, Tuck, along with a detective who reminded me of Bruce Campbell. The action culminated in a movie theater. Tuck apparently knew someone who worked there, and he was able to get into the place after it closed. Probably not a good idea considering the situation. It probably wasn't a good idea to leave their cell phones at home, either, but hey! It's a horror movie, and stupid things must be done.

Which brings me to the characters. Of course they did some stupid things; that's the norm when it comes to horror movies. We expect those stupid things to be done, and we enjoy making fun of the characters for doing them. It's not a big deal. For the most part, their actions were believable, and most of the characters were at least somewhat likable.

Now let's talk about the clown who they call Shivers. I said that he doesn't scare me, but it's not because he wasn't a good clown. He was definitely menacing, and there were some good, creepy scenes in here. But my problem is the way he looks. He's got the clown make-up, and it's actually really good. He's got a crooked mouth with big teeth, the big eyebrows, and the cute little cheeks. He wears that frilly thing around his neck, red patchwork pants, the white gloves, and the big shoes. But he wears no shirt. I guarantee that you'll never see another clown like this. He is ripped; big and muscular, and pretty damn sexy. So, my heart fluttered every time he showed up, but not in fear. He was too hot to be scary. So I guess it's not really a problem at all; I actually quite enjoyed it. Oh, and he carried a big battle axe. Plus. 

All in all, I think Fear of Clowns was a really good movie. There were some nice tense scenes, some nice suspense, and some awesome paintings that I would love to have hanging around my house (but with my boyfriend's own little bout of coulrophobia, I doubt that will ever happen). You should definitely see this movie. If you're scared of clowns, or if you just like muscular men in clown make-up (in other words, if you're weird like me), then it should definitely be on your list of must-see movies.

#218 -- Dark Fields (2009)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Douglas Schulze

Dark Fields is about a curse that haunts a farming community. It follows three different generations, and explains next to nothing. It is definitely an interesting premise, but I just didn't understand it. Maybe it's just me, but it didn't make any sense.

Each curse began when a farmer from the community dug up an old top hat, and the curse was ended when the top hat was buried again. I have no clue why the top hat was so special, who it belonged to, or why it was cursed. I do know who began the curse, though. It was an old shaman whose children were killed. So, each time the top hat is found, the people in the community got really sick. And the "illness" was hereditary, so even if someone was out of town, or moved away, they'd still get it. The story follows a college girl who got really nervous when her fingernails fell off and these weird black marks appeared on her skin. So she returned home for answers from her parents. Their answer to the problem was to dance in the rain. Water was the only cure for the illness, and they had ways to make sure that it wold rain when they needed it to.

Remember the shaman I mentioned? The one that lost his children? Well, his answer to that was to make other people kill their own children. So Cari's parents told her the only way to rid herself of the curse was to make it rain, and the only way to make it rain was to kill her little brother. They had already killed her other two brothers, but I guess it didn't rain enough. My question is this: what do a top hat, rain, and killing children have anything to do with each other? Was the shaman trying to get revenge on whoever killed his children? Because that was never fully explained. And if water was the only cure, why not take a fucking bath? I mean, isn't the exact same thing? Certain people would just pour water over their faces to get rid of the sickness, but at the same time they desperately needed that rain. It makes no sense.

Anyways, Cari refused to kill her brother, because she was, obviously, the smartest person in the entire town. Or she was just the only one who wasn't willing to sacrifice an innocent child to save herself. She did kill her father, as he was attempting to kill her brother, and then she and her brother went on the run. Since she couldn't get the job done, the town sent some crazy man after them to kill her brother. He was a zombie, or a vampire, or something. He was present in all three time-periods, and he liked to eat peoples' flesh. I don't know what the deal was with him. He was just a random zombie man in the middle of random stupidity. Oh, and I have another question.

If everyone knew that burying the top hat would end the curse, instead of killing all their children, why wouldn't they just bury the fucking top hat? Why go through all the trouble, all the pain, and all the murder when it could be easily avoided? Because the townspeople were stupid, and the writers were just as dumb. What the characters do makes no sense. If a simple girl like me can figure this shit out, people who've known about the curse since the 1800s should surely be able to learn. But no, they just don't. I have a problem with characters being completely stupid, because it makes the whole movie less realistic to me. Seriously, would any sane person kill their child rather than bury the top hat? I know I'd do anything I possibly could to make sure that my child wasn't hurt, and I'd sure as hell not hurt my child myself. So, if there was such a simple solution, I'd go for that. I think everyone would, except for these dumb shits. It's just not right.

This movie did have a couple of things going for it, but it doesn't make it any more enjoyable. One was David Carradine, who played one of the townspeople back in the 1800s. The effects were also pretty good. When the people were effected by the sickness, the changes looked pretty awesome. And that weird zombie guy looked pretty cool. But all of that was not enough to save it from its own stupidity. In the end, Cari buried the top hat and sent all the children away (because only adults got the illness). Everyone else died. The end, good riddance. I apologize for the spoiler, but you really should be thanking me for saving you from having to watch this mess.

Zombie Walk 2012: Examining the Zombie and Surviving the Apocalypse

Everyone's seen zombies as we know them now, and everyone has their own personal idea of the perfect zombie and ways to survive when they overrun the planet. Everyone is different in their opinions, view-points, deas, strategies, and so on. Here are my ideas.

Distinguishing young zombies from old ones

Zombies are always seen as slow, dumb creatures, but I don't think that's right. They are the living dead, and I think they should be portrayed accordingly. Zombies exist because, for whatever reason, their brains have been re-animated. But they're still dead, so things are naturally going to decompose. Someone who died two days ago shouldn't be quite as decomposed as someone who bit the bullet twenty years ago. Rigor mortis is what happens when the blood in the body starts to pool in certain spots. This causes the limbs to stiffen, making it difficult to move. This usually happens three to six hours after death. So if someone happened to die right before the zombie pandemic started, they would still be pretty fresh. One week after death, the skin body will start to become very brittle, and parts may fall off at the slightest touch. So younger zombies would be less fragile. The younger zombies would also still have all of their hair, nails, and teeth. Those don't go until one month after death. Also, since full decompositon has not yet occurred, I think it's safe to say that the brain will still be partially in-tact, allowing for a higher intelligence than older zombies.

So an older zombie would move very slowly; it would have no hair, nails, or teeth; its eyes would be bulging from their sockets, its tongue protruding from its mouth; and it would smell something awful. Since it has no teeth or nails, it would be 100% harmless, unless it plans to gum you to death. Zombies aren't known for working together (some people think they hunt in packs, but I don't think they're hunting together; they're competing.), so I don't think any other zombies are going to be feeding you to their older counterparts. Plus, these zombies will be extremely close to full decomposition, and will soon become a skeleton--no brain = no life. That zombie will soon be dead anyway, so don't even bother.

Look for zombies that still look somewhat human; they will be the younger ones that can truly cause some severe damage. They will be much harder to kill than the older ones, but they're also a lot more dangerous. Also look for pregnant zombies. I know it's horrible to think about: killing a pregnant woman. But it's the apocalypse, and she's not really a woman anymore anyway. Try to watch out for a fetus somewhere. There's a process known as coffin birth, where gases that build up after death cause the fetus to be expelled from the body. If there's no fetus, then the lady has been dead for a good while. If the fetus is still inside the woman, then she might be a problem.

Hiding vs. Fighting

Both hiding and fighting might be good strategies, but it should depend on which sort of zombie you're dealing with. If you're messing around with the younger zombies, you could either hide or fight. If they can't find you, they can't kill you. Keep in mind that these are still walking corses, and while they're smarter and faster than other zombies, their brains still aren't as sharp as yours. Their attention spans will still be somewhat short, and they should lose interest rather quickly. But then again, they're the ones you need to be concerned about, so killing them is an extremely good idea, if you can pull it off. That all depends on what type of person you are. If you're proactive, you want to save yourself and your loved ones (if there are any left), get out there and kick some zombie ass. If you're more laid back (or chicken), then...grow a pair, get out there and kick some zombie ass. Don't hide from these guys, beause if they do happen to find you, you're in a world of trouble.

When it comes to the older zombies...it really doesn't matter. If they're close enough to being fully decomposed, they won't be able to hurt you anyway. They should be really easy to kill, though, so why not get rid of them? Put them out of their misery. Or you could hide, and leave them alone to starve to death, rot, and turn to dust. Then you'll be free to wander the streets as you please (as long as you've already killed all the younger ones, which I doubt). There's no way to tell how close they are to full decomposition, though, unless you're a doctor, so that isn't the best path to take. So stop being a chicken, and get out there and fight!

Choosing a Weapon

Guns are cool, I guess, but they shouldn't be your main source of weaponry. You should have them in stock, yes, but you souldn't rely only on guns to keep you safe. They should only be used as a last resort, when you're faced with a horde and have to kill a lot of zombies really quickly. Here are some smarter weapons to keep in your armory.

Crossbow--Long-range weapons are the best way to go. As long as you practice and you've got a good aim, there's no going wrong with a crossbow. It will be effective (just aim for the head), and you'll keep yourself out of harm's way. When you've killed the zombie, you can retrieve your arrow, securing a never-ending supply off ammo. These would be best used for younger zombies. They would work just as well, but you could kill an older zombie with just about anything. With younger ones, you want to be as far away as possible, while still getting the kill shot.

Machete/Sword--If you're confident in your abilities, these could be used for younger zombies as well. They're fairly long-range, and as long as you make sure to keep them ultra sharp, they can chop off a zombie head with the greatest of ease.


Baseball bat/crowbar--These should only be used for older zombies. You'll have to be pretty close to get some hits, and you'll have to be pretty strong to actually bash their brains in. If you're dealing with younger zombies, they'll be digesting your brains before you can get the second hit in.

Knife--I wouldn't feel safe with nothing but a knife in my arsenal. They should be okay for older zombies, since they have no teeth or nails to hurt you with. But for younger zombies? You won't even stand a chance. I'd throw away the knives and get something bigger and stronger if you want to survive.

Whatever you do, don't try to kill a zombie with your bare hands. You might be successful one time out of ten, and those aren't very good odds. Get some good weapons, and get out there and kick some zombie ass!

So, you've survived the zombie apocalypse?

Congratulations! Don't let the human race become extinct. Once you've eliminated the zombie threat, get out there and repopulate. It's your responsibility as the last living members of the race to ensure its growth and survival.

Be sure to check out everyone else participating in the Zombie Walk!

Zombies Everywhere


[Retro-Zombie]


Halloween Blues


The Southern Northerner


Martha's Journey


Annie Walls


GingerRead Review


App'y Talk


Kweeny Todd


Jenny's House of Horrors


Bubba's Place


Fictional Candy


herding cats & burning soup


Author Sherry Soule Blog


Paranormal research Group Blog


Adult Urban Fantasy by Sherry Soule


Moonlight Publishing Blog


Candid Canine


Ghost Hunting Theories


Above the Norm


A Dust Bunny In The Wind


Faith McKay


Zombob's Zombie News & Movie Reviews


Flesh From The Morgue


The Living Dark


Some One Else's Cook


Stumptown Horror


Forget About TV, Grab a Book


Zombie Dating Guide


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The Paranormalist - Renae Rude


Idée Fixe


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Carmen Jenner Author


Sarasota Zombie Pub Crawl


Not Now...Mommy's Reading


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Something wicKED this way comes....


Julie Jansen: science fiction and horror writer


Author/screenwriter James Schannep


The Zombie Lab


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This Blog Has A.D.D.


Carol's Creations


Jeremy Bates

#217 -- The Shadow Walkers (2006)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Mark Steven Grove

IMDB says this movie is quote, "very suspenseful," and I guess it is pretty suspenseful, but...not really. It's an okay movie with a not-so-unique premise that will not shock you at all. That being said, I only really have one big problem with it.

It was about a group of geneticists working on some sort of experiment. They were mutating people to, I believe, use them as soldiers in the army. We get flashbacks of the doctors and scientists working on the experiment, and that is how we figure out what's going on. Whatever they did to them made them strong, intelligent, and really horny. They reverted back to primal, animalistic ways, while still maintaining their high intelligence. Even so, there was only one subject that went according to planned; only one that could be maintained, trained, and controlled. The rest went mad. Not only were there personalities mutated, but their bodies were mutated as well, turning them into horrendous monsters. They were like zombies; they ate the living, transformed the living through bites, craved flesh, and were drawn to the scent of blood.

When it was obvious that the creatures were not going to be able to be maintained, they were sent to an underground genetic storage facility. Along with the creatures were certain doctors and scientists, and they also trapped the man they sent to lock everyone else away. These people woke up, unsure of where they were, and completely oblivious as to what was happening to them. All they knew was that the creatures were hunting them, and they had to find a way to get out before they were all eaten or transformed into monsters themselves.

See what I mean by not-so-unique? There are tons of movies involving government facilities and experiments gone wrong. Almost all of those involve zombies, or creatures that try to pretend they're not zombies (like these, those it's painfully obvious). With the character development, we knew right away who was going to make it out alive. We had the strong man that everyone depended on, the strong woman, the hot woman, the woman no one cares about, the man no one cares about, and the asshole. The two no one cares about are always killed pretty quickly; the beautiful woman, though we root for her, is almost always killed; and the asshole always makes it longer than we'd like, but he's killed eventually. So it's obvious who is going to live; thankfully, it's the two characters we care about more than the others.

The biggest problem I have with this one is that it's hard to understand. I got the basics of it, which I guess was the point, but I'm not sure. During the flashbacks, there was too much scientific mumbo jumbo, and I didn't understand a word of it. Cell membranes, blah blah blah, a bunch of things I've never heard of and probably never will. But that doesn't matter, I guess, because I still got the jist of the situation.

I will say that the shadow walkers did look pretty cool. They had those gigantic teeth and everything, and they were definitely primal. The make-up could have been better, because I could tell where it ended and the person's natural skin began, which kind of diminished the fear factor for me. But I can deal with that; I'm no stranger to bad effects. These weren't bad--I did like how they looked--but they could have been a little better.

I probably would have liked this movie a lot more had I seen it a long, long time ago. At this point, I've seen so many movies with the same story that it's hard to really enjoy it. It wasn't bad; there are just too many others like it.

#216 -- Killjoy (2000)

Rating: 2.5 / 5
Director: Craig Ross Jr.

Let me explain to you how I choose the movies I watch, because the fact that I even watched this movie last night is really strange to me. If I watch something on Netflix or On Demand, I sift through the titles for about an hour until I finally decide on a movie. But in my room, I have a stack of DVDs in those little white sleeves. If I watch one of those, I choose it randomly. I don't even look at it before I put it in the DVD player, so I have no idea what I'll be watching until the movie starts. When I reviewed Slip, I mention two horror movies that I found a little bit similar. Those two movies were Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood, and Killjoy. So I find it extremely weird that, for the past two days, I've randomly chosen those two movies. So weird, in fact, that I felt compelled to share it with everyone, even though I know that no one cares. It is a phenomenon that cannot be explained, much like Killjoy himself. Was I excited about it? No, not really. I saw this movie many years ago, and I didn't particularly like it then (even when I was younger and terrified of clowns). I guess you've got to have a certain sense of humor to enjoy this; and I just don't have it.

Killjoy is the story of a boy named Michael. He and his counterparts are supposedly in high school, though they apparently have no parents, and they can live alone with their boyfriends. They don't seem like high school students at all, but that's another story, I guess. Michael had a crush on Jada, a beautiful, sweet, young girl. But Jada was with a guy named Lorenzo, a gun-toting thug who got extremely jealous. Though it was obvious that Lorenzo did not respect Jada at all, he didn't want anyone else even speaking to her. Jada warned Michael; she said that if Lorenzo saw them talking, he would kill Michael. Michael, of course, didn't heed her warning, and instead asked her to their upcoming dance. At just the right moment, Lorenzo showed up. He was angry, and he and his two thug friends beat the stuffing out of Michael.

Michael went home and practiced some black magic. He called forth one of his dolls--a little clown he called Killjoy--to come to life. Nothing happened. Then Lorenzo and his gang tricked Michael outside the safety of his home, kidnapped him, and took him out to the woods. They held a gun to his head, yelled obscenities at him, and scared the daylights out of him. That, supposedly, was their plan. Lorenzo said that the gun was not loaded, and his intentions were only to scare Michael. But, unfortunately for Michael, the gun actually was loaded, and he was shot and killed.

One year later, Michael's black magic started to work. A clown showed up in an ice cream truck outside of Lorenzo's place. Lorenzo had gone to be with his new lady, and his two thug friends were inside getting high. With a serious case of the munchies, that ice cream truck looked extremely inviting. Killjoy told them that he was an undercover drug dealer using the ice cream truck as a disguise. He beckoned them inside to see his merchandise, and they were instantly transported into another dimension, via a rainbow vortex of some sort. They ended up in a warehouse, where Killjoy took them out. One of them was burnt up, while the other was smashed by a car. Nothing too inventive. Killjoy did eventually catch up to Lorenzo, and he took him down as well.

A homeless man caught up with Jada, her friend Monique, and Jada's new boyfriend Jamal. He explained everything about what Michael had done. He'd gone to black magic because all he wanted was for Jada to be his girl. The only way he figure that was possible was to get rid of what stood in his way: Lorenzo. He was trying to make sure there was no one left except the two of them. The only way to get rid of Killjoy was to kill the doll that he had risen from.

Killjoy is interesting, I guess. But killer clowns are supposed to be terrifying; this one was just annoying. Ever since the first time I saw it, Killjoy reminded me of Michael Jackson. So he is what would happen if MJ decided to throw a circus at Neverland Ranch. (fun fact: Killjoy was played by Angel Vargas, who also played Tito Jackson in the Jacksons TV movie)  He was goofy, but not exactly in a good way. We know of other characters who can be silly, funny, and still be scary (most notably Freddy Krueger), but Killjoy is not one of them. He was trying his damndest to be funny, but he only came across as stupid and annoying.


The story is kind of sweet, I guess, but if you think about it...it really isn't. Michael came back from the dead so that he could ask Jada out finally. He did all of this to have a a girl who he wasn't even sure felt the same way. Personally, I'd make sure she loved me before I'd go to all the trouble. I'd make sure she loved me before I got myself killed for her. Because if she didn't feel the same way, then his affections were pointless, and he should not had died in those woods. He shouldn't have even if she did love him, but it at least would have had meaning.

So, did I love Killjoy. No, even though I really wanted to. Everyone knows that, once I got over my fear of clowns, I grew to really love them. I love some killer clowns, when they're done right. I don't love Killjoy, because he, to me, isn't what a killer clown is supposed to be. First of all, he's supposed to be menacing. When you see him, you're supposed to think, "Uh-oh, shit's going down," not, "Oh my, he's fucking retarded." They're supposed to be scary, or at least creepy, or something. They can also be funny, but that should add to their creepiness, not diminish it. The movie itself was silly, and the characters were dumb. To me, Killjoy just wasn't what it should have been and could have been. It was a silly movie that tried to be great.

Apparently, it has an audience somewhere. Somewhere, people responded to it, because it spawned two sequels that I have not yet seen. I can only hope this series took the opposite route of others, and got better as it went along.