#279 -- Satan's Little Helper (2004)

Director: Jeff Lieberman
Rating: 2.5 / 5

Okay, so I think I saw this movie many years ago, but I'm not sure. I think I remember one of the characters, but again, not sure. I think that alone should tell you all that you need to know about Satan's Little Helper: that it's completely forgettable. This is one of those tricky ones, meaning that it tries to trick you into thinking that it's awesome. Mainly what will draw you in is that poster. It looks pretty damn wicked, right? Well, the real thing isn't wicked at all.

It was about a little boy named Dougie. He was a weird kid, that much was 100 % obvious. First, he was obsessed with a video game that shares the movie's title. I think it's safe to say that the majority of Americans participate in some kind of religion, and I don't know why in the hell someone would buy this game for their kids. I'm not religious at all, so I wouldn't really mind all that much, especially considering that it's not all that violent. But in the game, you play as, of course, Satan's helper, and you run around terrorizing innocent people. Many might find that extremely offensive, even though it consists mostly of dropping people down manholes, throwing basketballs at dogs, and snapping guys' leotards. Yeah, what the fuck is right. Even though the game is extremely shitty and stupid, I still don't understand why these people would buy it for their child. Dougie's mom kind of hints at the fact that she doesn't believe in Satan and all that, but I'm not sure. Anyways, they really shouldn't have bought the game for him, because everything that happens in the movie is his fault.

The second reason I think Dougie is a weird kid is because he wants to marry his older sister, Jenna. Sure, he's only like, nine or ten, but isn't that old enough to know that you can't marry your own sister? I would think so. Maybe his parents failed to teach him that that sort of thing is just not right. Or maybe they thought it was cute. Who knows. Anyways, when Jenna came home to spend Halloween with them, she brought along her new boyfriend, Alex. Naturally, Dougie was not happy about this at all. So he set out to find Satan so that he could help him get rid of Alex. He stumbles upon a man in a devil costume who just happens to be a serial killer. He watches him kill a few people, and then place their bodies around the yard like Halloween decorations. He forms a very odd little friendship with the man, hides him in his basement, and then helps him commit murders that he's certain are fake. So, basically...Dougie is the stupidest kid ever. Maybe if he was five it would make sense. But he's in the third grade, which is surely old enough to know the difference. My stepson is nine years old, and I know damn well that he's smart enough to not let something like this happen.

Anyways, after he meets "Satan" and brings him home and whatnot, Alex reveals that he plans to dress like Satan for Halloween, in order to get on Dougie's good side. They go to the costume store together (Dougie only goes so that "Satan" can follow and kill Alex). "Satan" beats the crap out of Alex, sets him up at a house thinking he's dead, and then he and Dougie return home. Jenna and their mother assume that the guy in the devil mask is Alex, Jenna gets a little frisky with him, and they have no idea that there's a psycho in their house. Until it's a little bit too late, that is.

The characters were pretty easy to like. I especially liked Alex, because he genuinely seemed like a good guy. That and he had a really sorry father and came with a sob story that made me feel bad for him. The acting was so-so, and the gore was...well, it was cheesy, but everyone knows I like that sort of thing. The problem was that I didn't believe a bit of it. Yeah, I know horror movies aren't real. But the good ones are able to make me feel like they are, at least for about an hour and a half. This one couldn't do that at all. In fact, all it did was annoy me. I liked a little bit of it, but Dougie seriously annoyed the shit out of me. I mean, how could he be so fucking stupid? The killer even kept changing costumes, making Dougie think he was someone else, and Dougie kept letting him back in the house. I mean, shouldn't he be a little suspicious once he figured out that their little "game" was for real? You'd think so, but no. The killer dressed like Jesus, right after Dougie started praying and apologizing for helping Satan. So Dougie thought that Jesus had come to save them. Eventually he realized that Jesus was really Satan in disguise. So then the killer came back, dressed as a cop. I mean, really? You'd think that Jenna and their mother, supposedly responsible adults, would be suspicious enough to tell him not to let anyone in the house until they inspected them a little bit. I know people in horror movies are supposed to be stupid; that's kind of the point. But they're supposed to be running up the stairs instead of out the front door kind of stupid. This is a whole other level of stupid that I just couldn't handle.

So, in short...Satan's Little Helper is stupid. I almost liked it, but the fact that every action was unbelievable and made everyone look retarded ruined it for me. Don't be fooled by the cool looking poster. This movie is not cool.