#314 -- Dino Wolf (2009)

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Rating: 2 / 5

Yes, what you're seeing actually does exist. When I stumbled upon this, I was hoping that it would be a delightfully cheesy creature feature with plenty of gore and laughs, whether intentional or not. What I got was a mediocre, cheesy creature feature with plenty of gore and definitely unintentional laughs. It wasn't what I'd hoped for -- something that would be so horrible that it was funny and entertaining. But I wasn't laughing because I thought it was funny; I was laughing because I couldn't believe how stupid it was.

You might think it has something to do with a dinosaur/wolf hybrid type of creature. You wouldn't be completely wrong. It's actually a prehistoric wolf creature whose fossils have been combined with human DNA. So, pretty much, an extremely lame werewolf. I don't even remember exactly why these scientists decided to fuse human and wolf DNA together, but I really don't care. All of that was just their way of putting a spin on the werewolf story, and it doesn't really matter. Basically what we have here is a dude in a wolf suit -- a suit that, by the way, doesn't even have a working mouth that moves -- pretending to eat some stupid people out in the woods. But the bad effects are something that can definitely be overlooked; that's not the problem. There were some almost interesting sub-plots going on, but since they were only somewhat interesting at best, even they couldn't save it.

So, here we go. There's some kind of research facility out in bumfuck nowhere that's conducting experiments on said prehistoric wolf fossils. The wolf/human DNA fusion was successful, and they had the creature contained for a while. But then it got out, of course. There was no reason for it getting out, either. It just happened. I don't recall an explanation of failed security or malfunctioning locks or whatever. It just escaped.   The movie follows a local sheriff, his goofy son, some CIA agents, and some scientists as they trek through the woods searching for the Dino Wolf so that they can capture it. The woman whose DNA was inside the wolf was the only who was safe, because she was kind of like its "mom." It had a soft spot for her, and she was emotionally attached to it as well. So, the movie did attempt to add some romanticism, something to tug at the heartstrings, but...let's face it. That's just dumb. Maybe if the movie had been made better, that sort of thing would have worked. But here, with these actors so horrible that you wanted them to get eaten, and the wolf that looked so stupid you just wanted to laugh..nothing works. The wolf was actually hidden for a while, because of all the blurs it caused by its super speed (or maybe just a bad camera?). But once you do get a good look at it, you'll wish you hadn't. The mystery of it almost made it okay, because it allowed me to at least convince myself it might be cool. But once it was showed up close, it took away all of that. It wasn't cool. Not at all.

If you think about it, the story actually isn't that bad. But like I said, everything else about the movie was so bad that it just made it look stupid. It was lame. Here, a couple weeks after watching it, I'm finding it hard to remember the little details. Lame wolf eating people in the woods. So what?

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