#239 -- Girls Gone Dead (2012)

Rating: 3.5 / 5
Directors: Michael Hoffman Jr. & Aaron T. Wells

I think you can tell pretty easily what this movie is all about. Just take a look at the cover. You've got two scantily clad ladies, and one pervert shooting them with a camera. The title is a nudge toward the "Girls Gone Wild" videos. And there's blood everywhere, so it's really a no-brainer. A bunch of half-naked ladies get butchered. End of story. It's not like it's anything new; we've been seeing things like this for years, but it always nice to see where someone else takes it.

A group of ex-cheerleaders go to a nice house in Florida, not far from the beach. The house belonged to one of their dads, so they've got the place all to themselves for the weekend. One of the girls had some trouble escaping the clutches of her fanatically religious mother, but she was eventually able to get together with the girls for a fun weekend. Unfortunately, the one girl's dad failed to mention that the town they would be staying in was a retirement community, and that there was absolutely nothing fun to do. The bar was filled with old losers, and the beach was full of oldsters too. Nothing for a bunch of dumb girls to do for fun. But, not too far away, "Crazy Girls Unlimited" was filming their spring break extravaganza. So the girls met with some guys who hoped to get in on that action, and their party began. Unfortunately, again, their party was cut short by an axe-wielding psycho.

I will say that, even though this movie is bad on pretty much all counts, it does have some good things going for it. One, the killer was pretty good and creepy. He wore a monk's costume, and that battle axe was pretty badass. The gore was pretty impressive too. I liked the kills, and I liked that the killer had sort of a nonchalant demeanor as he killed his victims. He just didn't give a shit. There were a couple of famous appearances thrown in too, but I only cared about two of them. One was Ron Jeremy. I really enjoy him as an actor--he's usually a pretty funny guy--but I was disappointed to see that his role here was extremely dull. It seemed like he'd gotten tired of being surrounded by naked girls all the time. It looked like he was very unhappy in the situation, and that made his "character" bore me. The other was Jerry "The King" Lawler, who I loved. His performance was the best of the bunch, if you ask me. Especially at the end, but we'll get to that in a moment. There was also the little creepy guy who filmed the girls. He was apparently made famous by Howard Stern's show, but I don't know anything about him other than the fact that he's creepy. Then there was the beautiful Linnea Quigley, from the first ROTLD, as a bartender at the local bar. Oh, and there was that fat kid--Shawn C. Phillips--you'll recognize him when you see him. He got lucky with one of the babes, right before her head was chopped and his guts were slashed.

The ending was actually my favorite part, and no, not because I was glad that it was over. The big reveal of the killer wasn't very surprising, but somehow they found a way to make it surprising. The whole time, we're pretty sure of who the killer is; then they turn around and make us think we're wrong, right before turning back around and showing us that we were right all along. If that makes any sense. And Jerry Lawler, who played the town sheriff, was amazing. At the end, he came out of nowhere to attack the killer, landing a pile driver right after saying, "Eat dirt, bitch!"

The story is nothing new. There's nothing extremely interesting about it. But it's aimed toward people who want to see boobs and blood, and it definitely delivers in those two areas. If you're looking for something meaningful and thought-provoking, you're not going to find it here. If you're looking for some mindless entertainment, then look no further. You've found it.

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