Read my story after the jump!
Mrs. Claus was getting tired of being married to Santa. He slaved over his work all year long making preparations. She didn't really see the need to start so early, even though Santa did have to make toys for every child in the world. She never got to see him, or spend time with him, or be a little naughty with him. He was always running around, barking orders at the elves and taking care of the reindeer. And then when Christmas Eve finally arrived, he was gone for what felt like ages. It's like he forgot he had a wife. So that's why, when Santa finally did want some alone time with her, even though she was desperately craving it herself, she refused. She wanted him to quit; to stop worrying about the rest of the world and worry about his responsibilities at home. She hoped that, if she cut him off from intimacy, he would get the hint.
But instead of getting her hint, he got a hooker. Being turned down so often made Santa want it more, and he just couldn't take the build-up. So every night from then on, he would go out and see Kiki, his little Asian love muffin, as he liked to call her. Kiki was crazy and freaky to the max. There wasn't anything this girl wouldn't do; there was nothing she wouldn't let him do to her. If Santa didn't enjoy her "company" so much, she would definitely have been on his naughty list.
Mrs. Claus found out about Kiki eventually, and that was all she could take. She kicked Santa out of the house. That is where he ran his business. It was big and was able to house everything he needed: his workshop, the elves, and the reindeer. Without that, what would he do? Thankfully, she showed a little bit of mercy on him, and allowed him to continue working from her house. Santa found a little apartment in East North Pole, and he'd travel to his old home every day to work (and a couple miles farther north to see Kiki every night).
One of Santa's every-day duties was taking care of the reindeer. He would brush them, play with them for a little bit, and feed them. He did those things when he was there during the day. But reindeer are very big eaters, and are constantly hungry. Since Santa wasn't there at night, there was no one to feed them. Mrs. Claus didn't know how, and all the elves were terrified of them. So, starving and angry, in order to keep themselves alive, the reindeer started finding their own food: the elves! One by one, the elves were eaten alive by the reindeer. And with no elves, there could be no toys. Santa was devastated, so he decided he should teach his ex-wife how to feed the reindeer. It wasn't that hard. He didn't know why that woman had to be so stupid.
With food in their bellies finally, the reindeer stopped eating the elves. There were only a dozen or so left afterwards, though, so toy production slowed tremendously. But that wasn't the worst of Santa's problems.
It seems the elf blood was extremely toxic to the reindeer, and their stomachs just couldn't handle it.
Eventually, the reindeer started dropping like flies. So now, Santa had hardly any elves, no reindeer, and no toys to deliver to the children. He was very angry with Mrs. Claus, because he knew it was all her fault. If she hadn't kicked him out, none of this would have happened. Of course, she kicked him out because he was cheating on her. But even that wouldn't have happened if she just shown him a little love every once in a while. He didn't understand women, but he understood that this one had ruined his life. So he confronted her. There was a lot of yelling and screaming and fighting, and Mrs. Claus became angrier than Santa had ever seen her. Her face turned red, and a vein bulged from her forehead. He thought her head would explode. "That wouldn't be so bad," he thought. But Mrs. Claus wouldn't have him treating her this way. She was already pretty angry with him, but this sent her over the top. She grabbed a big knife from the kitchen and rammed it into his big, fat gut. Santa was dead.
But Santa is magic, of course, so he didn't stay dead for very long. He didn't look quite as lively as before, but he was up and moving. He couldn't make toys anymore, or do any of those wonderful Christmas things, but at least he was alive - sort of.
Zombie Santa found his way back home, after a brief stay in the North Pole Hospital. He found that he had a strange craving for human flesh, and who better to test that out on than his dear wife? He found that she was quite delicious, and he wished he could eat her over and over again. But the only thing he left was her heart - he wanted none of that - so there was no more Mrs. Claus for dinner.
Since he couldn't deliver toys on Christmas anymore, and since he realized he was pretty scary these days, he got a job working at a haunted house. They wanted him to act like a homeless man - push a shopping cart around and scare some kids. He didn't have a problem with that. His life had gone down the shitter, and he was tired of being happy all the time. He had no qualms scaring children instead of making them smile.
One night, Santa was working the haunted house as usual. He saw a little red-haired woman who he thought looked kind of like one of his elves. He didn't want any part of his old life fogging up his new one, so he decided that she had to die. He walked up to her, stared her down for a little while, and angrily grabbed at her throat. She side-stepped him. Then she did the unthinkable - she laughed at him! She laughed at him and walked away. This made Santa even more furious. "It's okay," he thought. "She'll be back. And when she returns, I will rip her throat out and have it for dinner!" He let out a malicious laugh, and all the little children gathering around him screamed and clutched at their mothers. "Hey," he said to himself. "Maybe this new life won't be so bad, after all."
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