13 Days of Creepmas, Day 7: 4 Reasons I Think Santa is Evil

A few days ago, I posted creepy photos of kids with Santa. It is apparent that children these days think Santa is completely evil. But I have three reasons why us adults need to realize that they're absolutely right.

He's a child molester

I think the photo says it all. How do regular child molesters lure children in? They offer them things they want: candy, puppies, toys, etc. Why else would a big fat man crawl through your chimney while you're sleeping, carrying a huge sack full of toys for your children? Notice it's only the parents, or aunts and uncles, who give the children clothes for Christmas. Santa never brings clothes, because he doesn't want them wearing any.

He's a stalker

Okay, am I the only one uncomfortable with an old man watching me while I'm sleeping? There's nothing right about that. Yet Santa gets away with it, year after year.

Breaking & Entering, anyone?

Again with the chimney. I don't want anyone breaking into my house, especially if they're trying to rape my children. No thank you, Santa. Get your creepy ass away from me!

He likes hookers

I learned from the TV show "Manswers" that Saint Nickolas was actually the patron saint of hookers. Yes, Santa is the SAINT OF HOOKERS. It is said that he saved three hookers from...something, I don't remember. But the important thing is that there were three of them. Now you know why Santa's always saying, "Ho, ho, ho." Maybe he's out looking for them, and he thinks they're hiding in someone's house? He just figured the best way to get inside was to offer bunches of goodies to the little ones.



So there we go. Santa is evil. Anyone agree?