#29 -- Dismal (2009)

Director: Gary King

Rating: 2 / 5

First things first: I don't want you to think this is the worst movie in the world, because it's not. I've definitely seen worse. It's all right, for what it is, I suppose. If you want to sit through approximately an hour and a half of practically nothing, dozing in and out of sleep, then by all means rent this movie. It's really not that horrible; it's just boring as hell.

They will reel you in, because the first two kills happen very quickly. It will give you hope that - hey!- maybe this won't be so bad. There are two hillbillies hunting for alligators. One shoots the alligator and gets into the swampy water to retrieve it. But the alligator is gone. The man is then pulled under the water, and he doesn't come back up. His friend is looking around, calling his name, and then he is snatched under as well.

Cut to a girl in college, Dana, studying who-knows-what. She's trying to dissect a dead snake, but she just can't do it. Her teaching assistant, Curt, helps her out. She tells him that the thought of cutting something - anything - makes her physically sick. She's failing his class, and he tells her that he is conducting an extra credit field trip (to the swamp). She wants to go, but her controlling asshole of a boyfriend tells her she can't - because he's jealous of Curt. Trust me, from the first moment you meet him, you will be HOPING the cannibals get him. She, of course, goes on the field trip anyway. She is our main character, after all, and it wouldn't be much of a movie if she didn't go along. Well, it wasn't much of a movie anyway, but you get my point.

Going along on the trip are Shelly (the cute, sweet blonde), Gary (the boy who loves her), Jamal & Eve (horny kids who actually could care less about extra credit; Eve is apparently a hooker), and of course Curt. 

It doesn't take much to figure out who gets it first. Jamal and Eve are making boom boom out in the woods, and the killer hooks Jamal in the face. Eve runs and steps in a bear trap, dismembering her foot. She keeps hobbling along, and...steps in another bear trap, dismembering her other foot. She then falls down, and...lands in yet ANOTHER bear trap, decapitating her. This is, most definitely, the best part of the entire movie. It was awesome, for me; sucked for poor Eve. Curt and the others hear a scream, and wake up to realize that the others are missing. He and Gary to to find them, while the girls keep watch at the tents. Curt gets clubbed in the face, and Gary runs. He gets the girls and they run. But they don't make it very far. 

They get back to their car, only to find that the tires are stuck in the mud. Thankfully, Dana has brought the radio, and she calls for help. The ranger shows up to help, or so they think. He kidnaps them and chains them up in his shack. 

His assistant (the one who's been killing so far) is a big dummy and hardly scary when shown in the light. They decide to eat Gary for dinner. Dale (the ranger) decides he wants to rape Dana. Shelly has been unconscious through most of this part. When she wakes up and they're having dinner, Dana tells her not to eat it. Dale gets angry at Shelly because she won't eat the dinner he's prepared for her. So he takes her outside, gives her a pitchfork, and tells her to find something better. She's killed by a booby trap: a big knife that cuts her in half. Dale and Big Dummy leave, and Dana gets out of her restraints. 

She finds Curt in another room, alive. But he will not let her leave. When Dale and Big Dummy return, we find out that Curt is Dale's son, and definitely not to be trusted. This is actually not that big of a surprise. It's made painfully obvious by the way he acted around the kids. I think the film-makers were trying to disguise it as "he has a crush on Dana." It worked for maybe ten minutes, and then it just got suspicious. Dana finds her boyfriend, who has followed her using the GPS on her phone; he is dead (Yay!). There's a scuffle with Curt, and Dana cuts him up. Yes, she said she would NEVER be able to cut anything. But the fact that she said that just tells that she will, in fact, cut something before the movie is over. She does this while laughing, and I think that was the scariest part of the whole movie. 

It sounds good on paper, but it just wasn't executed very well. It was slow; it took way too long for anything good to happen. And as I said in the beginning, I found it hard to stay awake. My real advice to you would be to look on Youtube for a clip of Eve falling on the bear traps, because that's the only thing this movie's got going for it. And I would not advise you to sit through the whole thing just to see that one little good part. Please, learn from my mistakes.