# 3 -- Camp Blood (2000)

Director: Brad Sykes Rating: 1 / 5 What happens when a lesbian finds her girlfriend in bed with a man? This shitty excuse for a horror movie happens. Yes, that is the entire motive for the killer here. A woman finds her girlfriend cheating with a man, and she completely flips her shit. I'm sure we all would; being angry is a normal reaction. But what would you or I do about it? Maybe cuddle up in bed with a sad movie and a tub of ice cream. If we absolutely wanted revenge, we might go so far as to throw all their shit in the yard, or maybe key their car. I can even understand killing the woman and her lover, but killing everyone who wanders into the woods? With a machete? And while wearing a clown mask? Was she a performing clown before all this happened, or did that mean something to her? Was her girl afraid of clowns, so she figured it would be the right way to go? Or maybe, just maybe, this woman was completely retarded. I think that's the only reasonable explanation for this disaster. The fact that this is set in the woods is the only thing that makes any sense to me now. It's been a long time since I've watched this, and I absolutely refuse to watch it again just to review it. I'm sorry readers, but I just...I just can't. But I think I remember the woman being a counselor or forest ranger or something.

This movie is a pretty low budget affair, which is okay. I like low budget movies on most days; love 'em if they're done properly. This is not, in any way, shape or form, done properly. The acting is atrocious, the effects are horrible, and the story is only tolerable if you're a horror movie lover and want to watch it just because. I actually wanted to see it because I love killer clowns, but I can imagine Pennywise shaking his head in disgust at this poor excuse for an evil clown. As if all of that isn't bad enough, the movie is such an obvious rip-off of Friday the 13th that it's almost painful. Okay, it is painful. Not only was I completely pissed the entire time I was watching it, but I felt so sorry for whoever made it because...I mean, how can you go through life being so stupid? Did they honestly think we wouldn't notice? In case you think I'm overreacting because of my deep love of F13, and you think "Maybe it's not actually a rip-off; maybe she's just paranoid." Let me count the ways.

1. The title. That should be your first clue. Everyone knows Camp Crystal Lake is Camp Blood. I was angry with this movie from the very beginning, before I'd even watched it, for stealing that name. Shame on you!

2. The killer's weapon of choice. Okay, sure, anyone could wield a machete. We've seen it more than once, and that's okay. But I freaking love a machete as a weapon, and seeing it in the hands of this dipshit just makes me sick. 

3. The scenery. Again, plenty of horror movies take place in the woods, and I love them for it. But I feel that these people went into the making of this movie knowing their killer was going to be a clown. So why in the hell -- please explain it to me-- would they set it in the woods? Because they were ripping of Friday, that's why.

4. The crazy prophet. Everyone remembers Crazy Ralph, the lovable town crazy who tried with all his might to help the poor souls headed to the REAL Camp Blood. This guy, though, was just stupid. 

5. The music. It tried to rip off the music, but without Harry Manfredini making the magic, it just didn't work.

6. The motive. Sure, sure, a lot of horror movies center on the revenge motive. But we don't discover this until the end of the movie, and after so many other clues that it's a rip-off, it's just plain obvious that this is another one.

Maybe I am looking into it too much. But I'm not the only one who feels this way, trust me. Rip-off or not, though, the movie sucks big hairy donkey balls. Seriously.

Dear Mr. Whoever-wrote-this-movie...Fuck you.

You know that machete your "killer" used? Yeah, that's what I'd like to fuck you with.