#247 -- 13 Days of Creepmas Day 1: Santa's Slay (2005)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: David Steiman

Spreading holiday fear this Christmas...

So, Christmas time is coming again. While this means empty bank accounts for the most of us, it also means that the 13 Days of Creepmas is back. I had trouble finding topics for Creepmas last year, as I wasn't really aware of all the Christmas themed horror movies out there. This year, I'm going to try my best to find a bunch of movies to watch so my Creepmas can be more eventful and enjoyable. Head on over to the Creepmas Blog for more info, and to find all the other blogs participating. As for my first entry, I bring you a wonderful comedic horror movie about a killer Santa Claus.

Bill Goldberg stars as the evil Santa Claus, who happens to be the son of Satan and some girl named Erica. The myth says that, one thousand years ago, God sent down one of his angels to defeat the evil Santa. They placed a bet, Santa lost, and he was forced to spend the next thousand years being jolly and handing out gifts to children. But those thousand years are up, and Santa's back for some good 'ol jolly destruction. The story centers around a sixteen year-old boy named Nicholas, and his grandfather. Grandpa seems crazy, but has a secret that will prove very useful to the boy as he faces off with Santa.

Christmas is over when I say it's over!

The movie starts off with a family having Christmas dinner, when Santa comes down the chimney and kills them all. This family consists of Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart (from Urban Legend), James Caan (Elf),   and Fran Drescher. They're all killed in some pretty interesting and awesome ways, and I knew right away this was going to be a movie I'd enjoy. Fran Drescher's character had her hair set on fire, which I'm sure many people wished for back in her Nanny days, but I think it would have been more symbolic had something happened to her voice box. I'm not hatin', because I'll admit to being a Nanny fan...just sayin'. Santa's kills are definitely inventive. He uses pretty much anything he can get his hands on--like candy canes, flagpoles, stripper poles, turkey legs, Christmas tree-toppers, and exploding presents to name a few--and not to mention the fact that he could breathe fire. And it was Bill Goldberg, a big ass guy, so he probably really didn't need a weapon at all.

I didn't really know what to expect from it. The main reason I wanted to watch it was Bill Goldberg, and he most certainly didn't disappoint. He was funny and menacing at the same time, and very enjoyable. But I was surprised to find that it's one of those incredible "so bad it's good" movies; except that it's really not all that bad. It's just silly, but what can you expect from a movie about a killer Santa?
I really can't think of anything negative to say about this movie, other than I'm sad that I didn't watch it sooner! It was wonderful, and my Creepmas has gotten off to a really great start. Every Creeper needs this movie on their Christmas watch-list. So go watch it now, and get into the Creepmas spirit.

#246 -- The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Charles Band

The Gingerdead Man is a gem that every B-Movie fan needs to watch. Actually, I think everyone should watch it at some point in their lives, because I guarantee they've never seen anything like it. It's not a perfect horror film by any means, but it's entertaining if not just for its sheer ludicrousness.

Before I tell you what it's all about, I'm going to convince you that you should watch it. The cast and crew is pretty great, and that alone should pull you toward it. First of all, it was released by Full  Moon Pictures, a company known for quite a few other B-Movie delights (like Evil Bong!) It was directed by Charles Band, who has produced over 250 titles, and has directed movies such as Evil Bong, a couple of Puppet Master movies, and Head of the Family, just to  name a few. One of the writers on the film is Willam Butler, who acted in Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood, and wrote the fourth and fifth installments in the Return of the Living Dead series. The special effects work was done by John Carl Buechler, who also did the effects for F13 VII. The main character was played by Robin Sydney who you might (or might not) recognize from the Evil Bong movies, and Johnathan Chase (who was in Another Gay Movie, one of my all-time favorite comedies) was in there too. And to top that cookie off,  Millard Findlemeyer/The Gingerdead Man himself was played (and voiced) by Gary Busey. Now, I dare you to say you're not intrigued.

The movie is obviously inspired by the famous Child's Play franchise, and the basic plot is exactly the same. But at the same time, it definitely doesn't feel like a rip off to me. While it does draw its inspiration from those movies, it still succeeds in creating a different character that I, personally, cannot bring myself to compare to Chucky. It's about a killer named Millard Findlemeyer. During a robbery, he shot and killed a man and his son, leaving the daughter alive for whatever reason. She, of course, helped send him to the electric chair to fry. He was cremated, his ashes were sent to his grieving (and equally psychotic) mother. Mother mixed his ashes into a batch of gingerbread cookie seasoning and sent it over to the bakery run by none other than Sarah Leigh (Sydney), the only one Findlemeyer left alive. When her co-worker, Brick (Chase) cuts his hand and bleeds into the mix, it spells out a world of trouble. No one notices the blood in the cookie batter, so Sarah makes the cookies anyway. This brings Mr. Findlemeyer back from the dead, and he's one tough cookie. He wants revenge on Sarah for sending him to the electric chair, and he'll kill anyone else to stands in his way.

The premise itself is stupid, I'll admit that. But it's creative; it's something I've never seen--or even heard of--before, and that's why I like it. It is extremely silly, and only those with a weird sense of humor (like myself) can enjoy it. Those who don't like silly things probably won't. It had some great one-liners and cookie-related puns (like Killsbury Doughboy, ha!). Johnathan Chase's character was hilarious, because he was an avid wrestling fan who called himself "Butcher Baker," and had some interesting things to say about that. Even the character's names were baking puns in themselves. Sarah and Betty Leigh, Amos Cadbury, Jimmy Dean, Brick Fields--they're all nods toward the famous names on our favorite baked goods. All of the actors did a great job bringing life to a story that is completely implausible, and I've got to applaud them for that.

I've got to give Buechler a big pat on the back as well for the great effects. I've always been a fan, if not only for the amazing and horrifying changes he made to Jason Voorhees. He did a great job here, as well. The cookie had a pretty realistic face, which is extremely impressive. He gave life to that little guy. Yeah, the Gingerdead Man is ugly, but that's only because it's supposed to look like Gary Busey--is that mean?

So my overall thoughts are that The Ginerdead Man is a great and entertaining movie with a killer cast and crew, and it should be on everyone's watch list.

Oh, and I apologize for my own attempted cookie humor...

#230 -- Halloween (2007)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Rob Zombie

Last year on Halloween, I reviewed the original movie. So this year I figured it was fitting to watch this one. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'll probably get some shit for this review, and I might lose my credibility as a horror fan...but I don't care.

I saw a couple of the original movies when I was a kid, and I can honestly tell you that Michael Myers never scared me. I was scared shitless of Jason Voorhees; I was creeped out by Freddy; and some of my childhood nightmares featured good 'ol Ghostface. But Michael? Not once. My whole life, I've found the character boring and stupid. The only feelings I had for Michael were hatred, and I scoffed at the mention of his name. But not anymore. I really love Rob Zombie's version of Michael, and I have a new appreciation of the character; though it's more of an appreciation for a new character. A lot of people have a lot of different issues with this reboot, but I share none of them. In my opinion, this is a 100% improvement upon the original movie. I actually like this one!

I think the biggest problem most people have with the remake is that it made Michael a sympathetic character, and they feel that made him less terrifying. But I completely disagree. Personally, I love sympathetic killers. In the original movie, we were told that Michael was crazy; in this one, we got to see it. A good chunk at the beginning of the movie was dedicated to telling the story of Michael's childhood. It began much like real-life serial killers, and we can kind of understand what drove him to become so crazy. His stepfather was a dickhead. His sister was a bitch-whore. He loved his mother, and she loved him; but she was a stripper, and this caused Michael to get ridiculed in school. He was bullied at school and home alike, and it was quite sad. I felt bad for him, really. So I wasn't surprised when he killed his stepfather, older sister, and his sister's boyfriend while his mother was at work one night. For a child, the murders were very gruesome. He slit his stepfather's throat, stabbed his sister seventeen times, and bashed her boyfriend's head in with a baseball bat. He also killed one of his school bullies, by beating him to death with a tree branch. See, he was fucking vicious, even as a child.

After murdering three people, he was sent away to a mental facility, where he murdered at least one more. His mother visited him regularly, up until the point that he murdered a nurse with a fork. Why in the hell they let him have a metal fork, I'll never know. I think I'd make him eat with his hands. But after that, his mother decided to end her own life. I'm not sure if she blamed herself for the way he turned out, or if she just couldn't handle the situation any longer.

Cut to fifteen years later, and Michael was a giant hulk of a man who wore creepy hand-made masks. He was getting ready to be transported to prison finally, but he killed all the guards and escaped. Of course, he made his way back home to find the little sister that he left alive. In the original movie, we didn't even know that Laurie was his sister. In this one, they mention something about it, but it's still a little bit vague until the end. He didn't want to hurt her at all. He just wanted to find her, because she was one of the only two people he actually cared about. But of course, Laurie, having been adopted as a baby, knew nothing of this. So when this giant man killed her friends and came after her, she was terrified. Honestly, I would be too. One part that really showed Michael as a sympathetic character was when he finally got Laurie to himself. He sat down, almost like he was waiting to be punished, as he showed her a picture of him holding her when she was a baby. She didn't understand, though, and stabbed him in the neck with his own knife. It was an extremely sad moment, and I almost teared up a little bit. After that, it did seem like he was trying to harm  her, though I'm not sure I believe it. Maybe she did piss him off; maybe he changed his mind and wanted to kill her. But I think he was afraid that he was going to lose the last of his family. I think he just desperately wanted to show her who she was and stitch what little family he had back together.

People think that making him a sympathetic character, and making most of the other characters assholes, was a problem. But not every other character was an asshole. Laurie and her friends were just kids, so they were the ones we were really supposed to be rooting for. People also feel that it makes him less frightening, because the killer is the one we can sympathize with and relate to. Did you not notice that he was fucking seven feet tall? And he was played by Tyler Mane, a former professional wrestler. So that's not a trick of the camera; he actually is that big. Personally, I don't care how much was abused as a child; I don't care if he's sad. If I see a seven foot tall giant coming toward me with a knife, I'm shitting myself and blubbering like a fool in a corner. Not only is he huge, but he's stronger than any normal man should be. And he's angry, and fucking vicious as hell. People say the original Michael was scarier, and I'm wondering if we're watching the same movie. In no way, shape, or form is this Michael less terrifying than the old Michael. In my opinion, he is better in every way. Finally, I can think of Michael Myers and feel something other than anger at how stupid he is. Sure, I can relate to this Michael, but the difference is that I'm five feet tall, out of shape, and I could never hurt anyone. He's huge, and he could rip me in half with one hand tied behind his back. I don't care how much I can relate to his story; I don't care if we have a couple of things in common, or I feel bad for him. It's his size and strength that make him terrifying, and it's his history that makes me like him. The old Michael had none of that going for him. I love that it sufficiently explained Michael. It explained his home life and what drove him to become a killer; and it explained small things, like how he got the mask. The mask, too, is another thing I believe was better in this movie.


Even if you don't care for this new Michael, you've got to admit that young Michael was creepy as hell. Daeg Faerch did an absolutely amazing job, in my opinion. I think I'd put him in the top five of creepy kids. He was very good at acting like a crazy little nutjob, and the murder scenes were very disturbing. It's unsettling to think of a child doing such grisly things.

I do understand what everyone's saying, though. A lot of people grew up with Michael Myers, so in their eyes, no remake could ever compare. I get it. I feel the same way about Friday the 13th. But I didn't grow up with Michael like I did Jason, so I don't have that emotional attachment to him, and I can recognize that this was an improvement. So, go ahead. Stone me if you wish. Call me bad names, whatever makes you feel better. But I definitely prefer this remake to the original Halloween.

#222 -- The Grudge (2004)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Takashi Shimizu

I'm finally starting to recognize a few Japanese directors. It's a really good thing, because I love Japanese horror, but I never really know what to look for as far as who knows what they're doing. I did notice that Sam Raimi is one of the producers, which always gives me high hopes. Ted Raimi had a small role in the movie, too, of course. But anyways, back to the my Japanese directors. I know Takashi Miike is wonderful, but I'm still on the fence about Shimizu. The only other of his films I've seen is Marebito, and I didn't enjoy that one very much. Ju-On, however, I really did enjoy. I wouldn't call it one of my favorite movies, though, which is why I also really enjoy the remake. This is one of the few remakes (especially of Japanese horror) that I feel is just as good as the original, and that's probably because they were both directed by Shimizu. I think that, if an American had tried his/her hands at the remake, it wouldn't have been as good. Americans are very good when it comes to blood and guts and a lot of gore, but the kings and queens of creepiness definitely goes to the folks in Japan. Maybe Japanese people are just creepy by nature, I'm not sure. But they sure as hell know how to creep the fuck out of me.

I think at this point, people know what this is all about. Whether you're a fan of the original, or you've seen the remake, everyone knows about Kayako. It is Japanese legend that when someone dies in anger or sorrow, that the anger remains. So, when Kayako was murdered (along with her son and their cat) by her jealous husband, that rage stayed in their house. A family moved in three years later; two of them were killed, and one was left mute and presumably insane. Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and her boyfriend, Doug (Jason Behr) were exchange students from America, and Karen volunteered at a care center. She was sent to the house to look over the elderly woman I mentioned earlier, because the woman's former care-taker was missing (she was up in the attic with Kayako). As soon as she entered the house, she knew something was wrong. She finally met Toshio, the young boy who had been murdered, and Kayako. The old woman was killed, and Karen was hospitalized briefly. It didn't leave her insane, but it did leave her with a sense of purpose. She was determined to learn the story of Kayako and Toshio, and to figure out why their spirits couldn't leave the house.

She did some digging, and found that Kayako had fallen in love (or was obsessed with) an American college professor (Bill Pullman). The professor was married, and probably didn't share her feelings. But when Kayako's husband learned of it, he was outraged. He killed her, drowned their son and his cat, and then hung himself. Karen thought burning the house to the ground would end the curse. But the house was not destroyed, and neither was the grudge. Because we all know that the only person who can end a grudge is the person who holds it. And, personally, I don't think Kayako will ever get over being murdered by her own husband.

I think this series of movies has become a legend if not only for its sound effects. As if corpse-like women crawling down stairs in very unnatural positions isn't scary enough, there had to be even more terrifying sound effects. There was Toshio's angry cat sounds, and Kayako's death rattle. That death rattle is completely terrifying, because...well, I don't really know why. I think that might be what it sounds like when someone's dying, and it definitely meant death to all who heard it. Maybe just because it's so foreign; we don't hear sounds like that everyday, and we know what it means for the characters. When we hear it, we shudder, because we can imagine the long, black hair and the deathly woman who comes crawling from around the corner after it.

If you take nothing else from The Grudge, it at least gives you a new way to torture your easily frightened friends. Just throw a little death rattle at them, and watch them piss their pants waiting for Kayako to get them.

#207 -- Orphan (2009)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra

I had always heard good things about this movie, and about the little girl being one of the most frightening children in film history. I knew very little about it, other than a girl being adopted and having terrible things follow. It sounded interesting because children are capable of being very terrifying. Add to that all the good things I heard, and I definitely wanted to see the movie. 

It was about Esther a little nine year-old Russian girl who'd been through some terrible things in her life. She was orphaned in Russia and then adopted by an American family. That family died in a house fire; a fire which Esther barely escaped. I figured from years of horror movie experience that the fire was no accident, and that Esther had something to do with it. On the outside, Esther was the perfect child. She was very polite, very intelligent and highly creative. She was wise beyond her years, and she was a very gifted painter. She was also able to play very complicated music on the piano. She was a complete sweetheart, and she fit into the Coleman family quite well. For a while...

The first incident was when a schoolmate of Esther's fell from a slide and broke her ankle. The little girl said that Esther pushed her, but the other Coleman girl--Max--covered for Esther and told her parents that the girl just slipped. When a nun from the orphanage went to the house to check up on everything, Esther was afraid that she would be taken away from her new family. So she bashed the nun's head in with a hammer and hid the evidence in a tree-house  That was the first thing that told me Esther was extremely dangerous, and way too smart for her age. She knew how to load a gun--with far too much skill--and she knew how to dispose of evidence pretty adequately. The Coleman's son, Daniel, knew something was going on, though he wasn't entirely sure what. But he would never tell, because Esther told him, "If you tell, I'll cut your little prick off before you can figure out what it's for." After that, she tried to kill Max--who was almost completely deaf--by turning off the emergency brake in the car. Oh, and she also tried to seduce her new daddy.

I figured that Esther was some sort of demon that took the form of a child, but I guess that comes from watching so many child-themed horror movies. It actually took a turn at the end, and it wasn't at all what I expected. The tagline of the movie is There's something wrong with Esther. There was definitely something wrong with her. She had a disease which caused her appearance to be very deceiving. At the end, what I thought was a supernatural horror movie turned into a slasher flick--with a little girl as the killer. 

It was very well made, and I loved the little twist at the end. I love it when a movie can surprise me, and this one did just that. Isabelle Fuhrman, who played Esther, did a magnificent job, and she truly was frightening. I don't know if I'd call her one of the most terrifying children in film history (that would probably go to Gage in Pet Sematary), but she was definitely good. 

I was afraid that, since I'd heard such great things about it, I would be disappointed. I'm glad that I was wrong, because Orphan is a very enjoyable movie.

#204 -- Final Destination 5 (2011)

Year: 2011
Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Steven Quale

Contains spoilers

So, my boyfriend wanted to watch this since we watched part 3 the other day. This was the only one I had left, so I have now seen all of the Final Destination films. It's been a while since I've seen 1,2, and 4, though, so I was kind of confused throughout this one. This and the third are the only ones that are really fresh in my mind, and I noticed that the rules differ in the two movies. In the third, they were able to intervene with peoples' deaths, and then death would skip over that person. In this one, it was "kill or be killed," and they could force someone else to take their place on death's list. I was confused as to what the rules really were, and if this one (or the third) just messed up. So I did a little searching. 

It turns out that death doesn't have just one set of rules, of course, because death can do whatever it wants. Even though there are rules that will let a person be skipped, death can never truly be cheated. We know from the ending scenes of each movie that even the survivors are killed (or are assumed to have been killed) anyway. So the rules don't really matter anyway, but they're interesting. 

In this one, a group of co-workers were on their way to a business retreat. They were on a charter bus crossing a bridge that was under construction. It was one of those suspension bridges that hang on wires. I'm glad that there are none of those where I live, because they're freaky and are enough to cause any person to be a little bit nervous. But Sam was more than a little bit nervous. As is usual in the series, Sam had a premonition of the bridge collapsing, killing everyone. He got a few of the passengers off the bus, including his girlfriend Molly. In his vision, he was actually able to save Molly by getting her across the gap in time, so she wasn't on Death's list at all. Sadly, the rest were on Death's list, and they were not able to be saved. As usual, everyone who survived started dying in really fucked up ways.

One girl, a gymnast, died in a freak gymnastics accident, where she flew off the uneven bars and folded her body in a very unnatural position. A guy had his head crushed by a Buddha statue. One of the girl's had a laser eye surgery go horribly wrong, only to die by falling out of a window. There actually were some pretty gruesome things in this one, but that doesn't surprise me. They've all been pretty gruesome. At the end, it turned into a sort of slasher movie, with one of the guys trying desperately to cash in on the "kill or be killed" theory, only to have it fail miserably. 

Tony Todd returned in this one as the creepy coroner who knew just a little too much about Death's design. Nicholas D'Agosto (Heroes, Fired Up) starred as Sam, and Emma Bell (The Walking Dead) played Molly. David Koechner (The Office, Anchorman) was Dennis, the boss.

So, let's take a look at the rules. There are a couple of things that can be done to temporarily cheat death. One: if someone intervenes, you will be skipped. But as soon as Death complete the original chain, it will start over and come back to you. So this will only save you temporarily. Two, you can kill someone else and have them take your place, but you will only live as long as that person was supposed to live--which might not be very long, as one of the guys in this one found out. Apparently suicide doesn't work, because Death wants you to die on its own terms, not your own. Death never forgets. You can cheat it once, you can cheat it twice, but you can't cheat it forever.

Throughout this movie, I felt like it didn't live up to the others. The "slasher" aspect of it closer to the end seemed kind of weird, as I'm used to freak accidents being the killers here. But the ending was so great that I completely forgot about that. With the ending to this one, the whole series wrapped around on itself. We don't know until the end that it actually takes place in the year 2000. Sam gets an internship, and he and Molly board flight 180 on their way to Paris. After they board, a freaked out guy with blonde hair starts screaming that everyone needs to get off the plane because it's going to explode. 

For the most part, this movie was okay. But I thought the ending was an incredible idea, and it really made the movie a lot better. That's what saved it for me. 

So, why are these movies so terrifying? Because it confirms our fears that death cannot be cheated. Death will not forget you, and it will come for you eventually. It's also crazy to see all the tiny, little things that come together to cause death. And if you think these scenarios were only created for these movies, and that they're not realistic and can't actually happen...Watch the TV show 1,000 Ways to Die. Things like that happen every single day. You never know what's going to kill you. And if you're able to avoid it...it won't be long before Death comes back for you.

#202 -- Final Destination 3 (2006)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: James Wong

Up until now, there were only two of the Final Destination movies I hadn't seen. Now the only one I've got left is the newest. I think I was nervous about watching this one because of my own personal phobias, but I really enjoyed it. It had quite a few familiar faces for me--Ryan Merriman (Luck of the Irish), Jesse Moss and Kris Lemche from Ginger Snaps, Alexz Johnson (from the TV show Instant Star), and Amanda Crew from Sex Drive. Overall, I'd say it was a very nice installment in the series.

The first was an exploding airplane; the second was a freak car accident; this one is a failing roller coaster. Wendy felt exactly how I do every time I stand in front of a roller coaster: that if I get on that thing, I'm going to die. She was nervous before-hand, but it all got worse when she had a premonition of the coaster crashing and everyone aboard dying. She caused a gigantic scene and got thrown out of the amusement park. Fortunately, a small group of people followed her, as usual in these movies. Those who remained on the coaster died, but the others were saved--for the time being. Because unfortunately, death hadn't forgotten about them.

I don't need to explain to you too much about what followed. If you're reading this, I'm assuming you're familiar with the series. Death stalked the survivors, blah blah blah, everyone died in fucked up ways, blah blah blah. Once they figured everything out, they realized if they saved each other, death would skip over them. But I think we all know that, while death might have a shorter attention span, it always remembers eventually.

There were a couple of really gruesome deaths in this one that I liked. A guy got his head chopped up by a fan out of a truck; another guy got his head crushed by a couple of weights; a girl got several nails shot into her head. The production values were great, especially the carnival scenes; all the colors and bright lights were truly beautiful. Until they all got splattered with blood, of course.

As far as comparing this one to the others...I prefer the second to this one, and nothing will ever beat the first. I don't remember much about the fourth, and I haven't seen the fifth yet.

I've only ridden one roller coaster in my entire life (the Georgia Scorcher at Six Flags). So what did this movie ultimately do for me? It ensured that I will never--ever--get on another roller coaster. I was terrified of them to begin with, and Final Destination 3 certainly didn't help.

#200 -- Boogeyman (2005)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Stephen Kay

I don't remember what my rating was for the sequel of this movie, but I hope it wasn't very high. I saw this one first, but I re-watched the second one before I re-watched this one...if that makes any sense. I enjoyed the sequel then, but now that I watch this one again, I realize how shitty it was in comparison. That one wasn't even a real boogeyman; it was a regular crazy man pretending to be the boogeyman. Here, it's the real deal.

It's about a guy named Tim Jenson (Barry Watson from 7th Heaven). When he was eight years old, he saw his father dragged into his closet by an unknown force. He was already scared of the mystery that lay in his closet (and other various small rooms), and that only intensified his fear. As an adult, that fear did not dissipate at all. Tim lived in an apartment with heavy duty lighting, and he removed all doors that led to small spaces. His mother went a little crazy after his father "left," and she was institutionalized. Honestly, Tim should have been right there beside her. He seemed quite nutty throughout the majority of the film. When his mother died, he went back to his old house to look through her things, and perhaps give himself a little bit of closure. I think he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't afraid, and that he could make it through the night.

He befriended a little girl (because children were the only people who would believe him), and he later learned that she was the ghost of a child that the boogeyman had taken. She revealed to him the way to defeat him: by facing him. Tim wandered through closets that led him to other places--places like the motel room where his girlfriend was snatched, and to a friend's house where she was almost snatched. Finally, he bolted a chair down, facing his closet door. He was determined to rid himself of the boogeyman once and for all.

The boogeyman wasn't a real man at all. He was made up of all the things that frightened Tim as a child. I think we've all had things like that. Tree limbs outside the window that look like bony fingers; jackets that look like people in the dark of night, and other such things. It was all of these things combined that created the boogeyman; they turned him into reality. The fear of the boogeyman troubled Tim more than anyone else, because he believed in him more than anyone else. It is the old psychology that only believing it makes it true.  If you don't believe, it can't hurt you. All Tim had to do was face those old fears, and make himself realize that there truly wasn't anything to be afraid of at all.

I really like this movie. I wouldn't call it one of my favorites, but it's definitely good. It's got a few jump-scares in it, but that's not the only reason I like it. We can all relate to it. I think everyone, at some point in their childhood, was afraid of the monster in the closet. I know I was. There was an old urban legend about a boy getting locked in the closet by his brother. The boy screamed and yelled for a while, but the brother just laughed and wouldn't let him out. After a while, his screams faded. The brother opened the closet door to find that the boy had vanished. That is what terrified me. It is, again, the fear of the unknown that causes us to tremble while opening our closet doors. We don't know what's in there; all we know is that, once we open that door, it's going to get us.

Boogeyman beckons the child in all of us. It feeds on our most intimate and childish fears, and then it throws them in our face. It's a horror movie, but at the same time it's a psychological thriller. It's all about the downfall of a man's sanity, all due to the fears that lived on past his childhood.

#199 -- Die, Monster, Die! (1965)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Daniel Haller

I just love how these old movies rope you in with their covers. On the top it says, "Can you face the ultimate in diabolism...can you stand pure terror?" And then down below, in smaller writing, it says, "It COULD happen; It MAY happen; It MIGHT happen...to YOU!" It makes you think that you're about to witness the deepest depravities, the purest terror that you will ever witness; then it scares you by saying it's going to happen to you. Plus it's got that catchy title and the wicked looking monster. All that, plus the bright colors, is what caught my attention. And, of course, "Starring Boris Karloff" got me too.

Die, Monster, Die! is about a man named Stephen who goes to England to visit his girlfriend, Susan. Once he gets there, it's immediately obvious that something fishy is going on. No one in the town will tell him how to get to the house, and everyone seems afraid of the mere mentioning of the name Witley. He ends up having to walk to the house, which is hidden pretty well out in the woods. On the way, he finds a sinkhole with everything around it dead. Mr. Witley (Karloff) is not very accepting of Stephen, and tells him to get away at once. Susan, of course, loves him and insists that he stay. Mrs. Witley is ill; she never leaves her darkened bedroom or the safety of her canopy-covered bed. She confesses to Stephen that their maid, Helga, disappeared after a bout of some disease which caused her to act in the same way that Mrs. Witley is acting now. She asks Stephen to take Susan away from the house immediately, and it seems like she's scared of her husband.


It doesn't take Stephen very long to realize that something is really wrong with the Witley house, and their family. Mr. Witley seems to have taken up the ways of his father, Corbin Witley, who was into some sort of dark arts. Mrs. Witley says something about Corbin unleashing dark forces into the house, and that they've finally arrived to doom them all. The house butler, Merwyn, dies mysteriously one night, and Mr. Witley is keen on covering the whole thing up. Stephen follows him as he buries Merwyn's body, and he stumbles on the property greenhouse. It truly is green, shrouded by a mysterious glow, but it's locked so Stephen can't get in to investigate right away. After he's attacked in the woods by a woman he is sure is Helga, he insists that Susan help him into the greenhouse to find the answers. They break in, and what they find is truly terrifying. There are giant plants all over, and a back room filled with mutated creatures. They find a glowing green stone that is later revealed as a meteorite, fallen from the skies. Mr. Witley is sure that it was sent by his father to continue his devilish ways.

So, what does this stone do? It makes plants grow abnormally large, and turns creatures and humans alike into monsters.

Once the full effect takes over Mrs. Witley, she becomes a gruesome thing and attacks Stephen. Mr. Witley finally realizes (or at least admits) that the stone is dangerous, and he tries to destroy it. Unfortunately, the evil grabs hold of him as well.


This was based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft, who seemed to be very interested in scientific and in-explainable mysteries. Of course it's interesting and different, that need not be stated. Older movies have a way of being very unique and different, which is one of the reasons I love them. Boris Karloff was amazing, as usual, and remains one of my favorite actors. This was a time before psychos stalking campers or babysitters; it was a time of things that could not be explained, and that is the worlds greatest fear: the unknown. I don't know exactly what that stone was, but hey! It could happen to me, right? So of course I should be afraid of it, especially since I don't know what it is. If I knew what it was, there would be a way to destroy it, or overcome it. I could learn from it, or about it, in a way that would help me survive it. But since I have no idea, there's no way around it; once it takes hold of my soul, there's no getting free.

#198 -- Cherry Falls (2000)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Geoffrey Wright

It has been such a long time since I last saw this movie, and I have always enjoyed it. It's a very simple movie. It's not the greatest horror movie in the world by far, but it's entertaining, and it's pretty different. It plays out just like any other teen slasher flick, but there's a twist that makes it unlike any other, which is why I like it.

Brittany Murphy stars as Jody, a high school senior in Cherry Falls, Virginia whose life is turned upside down by a brutal serial killer and some terrible family secrets. It starts off in the woods: a young couple making out in a car, about to get busy, when a mysterious figure appears and slashes them to death. They were that close to losing their virginity; but it just wasn't close enough. Several more murders follow, until the nature of the murders is revealed. See, the killer has a signature: the word "virgin" carved into the skin of her victims. That's right; we've got a virgin killer. All the adults try to keep the  news away from virgin ears, but of course, news travels fast. Once the high school kids realize that the killer only attacks virgins, they're all just dying to get it on.

They arrange a party they call the "Pop Your Cherry Ball," in which everyone gets busy in an old abandoned house. There are tons of people there, and I was actually pretty surprised that so many teenagers were still virgins. Is that not the age of raging hormones? But anyways, at the party, everyone is hooking up left and right; but that doesn't stop the killer from barging in with her trusty knife and slashing away. Fortunately, Jody and her boyfriend are way ahead of her, and are able to get people out before too many more people are killed.

So, why is this person targeting virgins? It's a story involving Jody's father. When he was in high school, he and some of his friends raped a girl named Loralee Sherman. It's a story of revenge, like a lot of these kind of movies are, but I can't say anything more without revealing the surprise ending. It had something to do with stealing their youth and innocence  before they were able to grow up to be assholes, like the ones who raped Loralee.

It did have a surprise ending. They make the viewer suspect a few people throughout the movie, but the it ends up being the one person you never suspected. It's sneaky, and more than a little bit gross and disturbing, but it worked surprisingly well. I only have one problem with the movie, and that is--how in the hell did the killer know who was a virgin and who wasn't? Maybe she had some kind of spidey sense? Oh, my virgin sense is tingling! type of thing, maybe? I'm not sure, but I don't really care all that much. I mean, it's a movie, right? I'm sure she just heard it through the grapevine or something.

Anyways...All the technical stuff was good in this one, the acting was good, blah blah--so I won't even go into that. What I really liked was that it was different. It's like a big fuck you to typical slasher movies. In most slasher movies, as everyone knows...you have sex, you die. It's one of the many rules of horror movies, and it must not--under any circumstances--be broken. Well, under almost any circumstances. It's almost always the virgin (or at least the innocent one) that survives the horror movie. But Cherry Falls is a rebel of a movie; it breaks the rules. If you want to survive in this movie, you've got to get it on.

#190 -- Three...Extremes (2004)

Rating: 4 / 5
Directors: Fruit Chan, Park Chan-Wook, Takashi Miike

It'll be no surprise that I enjoyed this movie. I've yet to find an Asian horror movie that I didn't like, and this is no different. It's a nice little anthology, with three thirty-minute (ish) short films from different regions that will frighten and disturb. The last of the three is called Box, and was directed by Takashi Miike. I think every horror fan knows his name, and it's no wonder why. He directed one of my favorite movies of all time (One Missed Call) as well as Ichi the Killer, and Master's of Horror episode Imprint.The other directors I had not heard of before, but they seem pretty promising. While most Asian horror is terrifying, this one seems to just aim for disturbing. And it does not fail to deliver. These shorts will make you question morality, humanity, and sanity. The first you'll feel bad for enjoying, the second you'll feel bad for relating to, and the third....you'll just feel bad. I think I can now honestly say that Takashi Miike is one of my favorite directors, and I'm looking forward to checking out some more from Fruit Chan and Park Chan-Wook.

Dumplings--This one comes from China. An ex-actress, Mrs. Li, with an unfaithful husband is feeling pretty lousy about herself. She's getting older, her skin is starting to sag, and she just doesn't feel beautiful anymore. She feels that, if she looked the way she did when she was on television, it will save her marriage and make her husband love her again. Mrs. Li seeks out a woman called Aunt Mei, who is rumored to make the best dumplings in town. They're expensive, but they're well worth the price. These dumplings are supposed to rejuvenate and restore youth and beauty. Aunt Mei says that she is her best advertisement, as she is much older than she looks. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, the problem is with the ingredients used to make the dumplings: aborted fetuses. Most of the fetuses are girls, because, as Aunt Mei says herself, boys are never aborted in China. So imagine both Mrs. Li and Aunt Mei's excitement when a young girl, carrying her own father's child, seeks out Aunt Mei for the abortion of her son. Only that's not enough for Mrs. Li. When she discovers she is pregnant, she figures that her own child would provide more nourishment and rejuvenation than someone else's, and she will stop at nothing to remain young and beautiful.

Dumplings is actually available as a full length movie, as well, and I believe it is available on Netflix if you're interested. I am definitely interested, because I understand that it's a lot more complicated than this shorter version. It goes deeper into Mrs. Lei's background, and it has an alternative ending that sounds much more disturbing than the one they went with here.

Cut--From South Korea--A brilliant director finds himself in a sticky situation when an extra from his movies abducts him and his wife. This guy is angry because, even though he's been in all of his movies, the director cannot remember him. This kid grew up poor with a bastard for a father, and he turned into a bastard himself. But the director grew up rich, stayed rich, and he's a good man. He's jealous, and he doesn't think it's fair that this man should have everything. So he's seeking to prove that the director isn't as good a man as he seems. He wants a confession: a confession of some kind of sin that will prove to him that this man is not perfect. He has him tied up and rigged to something (it never really went into what it was, or what it could do), and he had his wife's arms tied up and glued to her piano. Every once in a while he would cut off one of her fingers, which is devastating for a pianist. There was also a child tied up in the room with them. The director was to kill the child if he wanted to save his and his wife's lives. Some dark-ish secrets did come out, but they really weren't all that bad. The ending kind of confused me--I wasn't sure if the director had gone crazy, or if things just weren't as they seemed at first. But I still enjoyed this one too.

Box--From Japan--This one is definitely filmed beautifully, and it looks better than the rest. It's about a young novelist named Kyoko. When she was a child, she and her sister Shoko were a part of a little circus act. They were contortionists, and they would curl up into the little boxes, their partner (an older man) would lock the boxes up and re-open them only to find big bouquets of flowers. The girls were equally good at what they did, but Shoko got all the recognition and rewards for it. Kyoko was jealous. One night, she locked Shoko up in one of the boxes. I think she planned to pretend to be her sister for a while, just to see how the recognition felt. But their partner showed up, and there was a struggle that ended in a fire. Shoko was stuck in the box, and she died that night. Now, all grown up, Kyoko has nightmares about being locked in a tiny box and buried. At some points, it's hard to tell if it's a dream, or if her worst nightmares are coming true. While this one is beautiful, and directed by Mr. Miike, I wouldn't say it's the best of the three.

To me, Dumplings was the best of the bunch. It was the most disturbing to me, and it really made me question things. First of all, I am 100% against abortion, so it was disturbing right from the get-go. But to think of someone actually devouring aborted fetuses? There can't be anything worse. And the fact that she did it for the vainest of reasons just really irked me. And then she ate her own child to boot. So this one was definitely the most disturbing. We know that there are people out there who are obsessed with their image, so it wouldn't be very hard for me to imagine someone actually doing something like this. I think that makes it even more disturbing, if that were possible.

Overall, this was a very enjoyable anthology, with three wonderful short films directed by some very talented men.

#189 -- Rest Stop: Dead Ahead (2006)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: John Shiban

I've seen this movie quite a few times, but for some reason I can never remember very much about it. It's cool, because each time I watch it, it's like I'm watching a new movie, and I enjoy it just as much as I did the first time. Of course, now that I'm looking into and writing about it, I'll never forget it again. It is a very enjoyable movie, and it's pretty obvious where it gets its inspiration. It's got a Texas Chainsaw Massacre feel to it, but it doesn't feel like a rip-off at all. It's a completely different story, and it never fails to entertain. This one started off with Nichole and Jesse, young lovers on their way to California to start their lives over. Once they got to California, Nichole needed to use the bathroom, but she refused to "pee in the dirt" as Jesse suggested. They found an old, dirty rest stop and pulled in so she could relieve herself. Once she was finished, she came out of the bathroom only to find that Jesse was gone. At first, she was pissed because she thought he left her. But once she saw all the missing person flyers, she kind of started to get the feeling something was wrong. Add to that the creepy messages written in the bathroom stall, and Nichole started getting really scared. There were messages about someone killing women's husbands, cutting them, etc. It was a man in a dingy old yellow pick-up truck. He tried to kill Nichole (or maybe just scare her?) by ramming his truck into her car, while she was inside. He kept going back, but he never really tried anything else. Eventually, a police officer (Joey Lawrence) showed up and tried to help her. Unfortunately for the both of them, he only ended up getting his legs run over by The Driver. Paralyzed and slowly dying, he knew he wasn't going to be much help to Nichole. Then The Driver set fire to the bathroom, and they both knew there was no way Officer was going to get out of there. He asked--no, begged--her to shoot him. She put the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. But it didn't kill him. This was the one bit of comic relief in this movie. He snapped his eyes open and said, "You missed! Shoot me again!"

I don't know what The Driver's deal was, because it never explained that part to me. But he liked to torture people. He had a bus out in the middle of nowhere; he'd take them there, and do some really fuck shit to them. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see that much of the torturing. The most I got to see was on Nichole's camera. He took it, and recorded Jesse being tortured. What I saw, though, was very disturbing.

He drilled holes into their legs, cut out their tongues, sewed their mouths shut, stapled them in various places, etc. The movie also features a crazy bible-humping family with a deformed child; the wife liked to scream, "You whore!" until it became extremely annoying. There was also a ghost in the restroom: a girl named Tracy who was killed by The Driver in 1971.

There wasn't a whole lot in the way of scares. Mostly what I felt was worry for Nichole. There was nothing in it that actually scared me, but it made me kind of nervous. I really wanted her to survive, and I really really wanted her to find Jesse alive. I thought they worked really well together (even though they were only together for a couple of scenes), and I loved them as a couple. I was rooting for them big time. Of course, relationships don't usually work out in horror movies, so I was pretty sad at the end. There might not have been many scares, but I will say the gore was good. Though it was really gore, actually. There weren't buckets of blood flowing everywhere, but it was very disturbing cringe-worthy stuff. It never showed The Driver's face, up until the very end, and even then it was partially in shadows. I thought that gave it at least a little bit of creepiness. Even though he was human, and we could form our own images of him, he was still a faceless killer. There's something disappointing about seeing a killer's face, because then we realize that they truly are human. Tracy, the ghost woman, told Nichole that there was no way The Driver was human, because no real person could do those things to anyone. The fact that he was "faceless" only helped cement that theory: that he was a monster, less than human.

So, to sum it up: Rest Stop is a good movie that'll leave you feeling a little sad. But you won't feel like you've wasted your time with it.

#183 -- Saw II (2005)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Darren Lynn Bousman

I guess this is another series I'm going to be watching out of order. I've already seen the first one, though so it's okay. I'll just have to refrain from describing every little detail about the movies, since this is my first time reviewing one. I'm assuming that, if you're reading this, you've already seen the first one. So I'm not going into full detail about what's going on; you should already know that.

Jigsaw returns, but this time he's a little bit different. In the first movie, we only got to see the real man for a short time. Here, we get the full story of why he's a complete nutjob. Before he started his "work," he found out that he had cancer, and he didn't have very long to live. This was very depressing for him, naturally, so he decided to end it quickly rather than wait for the cancer to end it for him. He drove his car off a cliff, but miraculously, he survived. From this, he brought with him a new appreciation for life. He saw that, for some reason, he wasn't supposed to die there that night. That got him to thinking about all the people in the world who did not appreciate their lives. His belief was, "those who do not appreciate life, do not deserve life." He wanted to help them learn to appreciate what they have.

Shawnee Smith returns as Amanda, the only person to survive Jigsaw's shenanigans in the first movie. But he wasn't satisfied with how she continued to live her life afterwards, so he brought her back. This time, there was a group of people trapped in a house together. The doors would open onto freedom in three hours. The problem was that the house was leaking a deadly gas that would kill them in two hours. All they had to do was find the antidotes, and they had to do some pretty gruesome things to do so. One antidote was in the back of a furnace, but once the guy grabbed it, the door shut and the fires started. There was no way for him to get out, or get the antidote to anyone else. What was the point of that? One antidote was in a big box hanging from the ceiling. The box had little holes for someone's arms; but the holes were lined with knives. One was at the bottom of a pit of needles. One was in a safe, and the combinations were written on the backs of everyone's necks; one guy had to cut the skin out of his neck to figure out his number, because he was an ass and no one wanted to tell him. Along with Amanda, Xavier (the ass), theres Laura, Addison, Obi, Jonas, and Daniel. Jigsaw said they had to figure out what all of them had in common, in order to get themselves out of the house alive. That something was Daniel's father, a police officer who falsified evidence to arrest all of the others.

Meanwhile, outside of the booby trapped house, Daniel's father Eric was desperate to find his son. He played a more critical role in Jigsaw's scheme than he was aware of, though. There was a video feed of the prisoners; the police officers were watching every mode they made, and Detective Eric was growing very anxious. But, the feed wasn't live, it turned out, and while they were watching all these horrible things happen, Daniel was safe and sound. The point was the get Eric to that house, so that he could become the next subject. There was a nice twist at the end, which is the main reason this is one of my favorites in the series. I wasn't expecting it all (maybe some of you will...), so It was actually surprising to me.

This one also stars Donny Wahlberg and Beverley Mitchell (Lucy, from 7th Heaven!). I watched the first of this series not long after it came out. I didn't like it very much, because it left me confused. Once I figured out what the hell was going on in that one, it got me more interested in the series, so I started watching the others. I actually still haven't seen them all, but I know they're pretty great. This didn't quite deliver on the shocks or gross-outs or scares. The best gadget in the entire movie was the first one, so it was pretty disappointing in that department. But it was still a good story and a great movie.

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can

#181 -- Wrestlemaniac (2006)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Jesse Baget

This was another one that  my boyfriend and I were really excited to watch together. My boyfriend is a huge wrestling fan, and he got me into it when we first met. He knows how much of a horror fan I am, but he doesn't share that passion. So it's cool when we find movies that combine the two things, so that we can enjoy something together. Not too long ago, we watched Monster Brawl, another horror movie based on wrestling. That one was more of a comedy-horror type of thing, but we both enjoyed it. This one was trying to be a legitimate horror movie, though, and I think it succeeded. what we were both  most interested in, though, was the fact that it starred an actual wrestler. With a movie like this, you run the risk of there being a whole lot of ass-kicking, but not a lot of gore. That's true here, and that's one of the things I didn't like. Most of the kills were off screen or obscured by something; or we couldn't see the killer, El Mascarado (Rey Misterio, Sr.), at all. There was one scene in which El Mascarado kicked some serious ass. It was just an ass-kicking, but it was a fucking brutal ass-kicking. The guy didn't have any teeth left by the time Mascarado was finished with him. Oh, and he didn't have a face either.

If you know anything about Mexican wrestling, you know that to have their mask removed is the biggest humiliation there is. There's nothing worse. So when El Mascarado wins his fights with the fine folks that had the misfortune of stumbling into his lair, naturally he wanted to humiliate them by removing their masks. The only problem was they weren't wearing any masks, so the only thing he had to rip off them was their faces.

Okay, here's the whole story. El Mascarado came onto the wrestling scene from out of nowhere. He was seriously strong and dangerous, and they were thankful for him at first. But after a while, he started killing his opponents in the ring. He was banned from wrestling, naturally, and sent for psychiatric help. We learned from an audio reel that he was given several lobotomies to try and tame whatever was making him so crazy, but that didn't quite work out for them. My question is: why isn't he dead? They even used live test subjects to see if their tests worked. They'd put the poor victims in a room or ring with El Mascarado, and he'd tear them all apart. When they couldn't think of anything else to do, they sent him to an old ghost town called La Sangre de Dios. There, he waits for anyone to stumble onto his path.

Those "stumblers" happen to be the crew of an amateur porno flick. Alfonse, the director, is a complete asshole and we can't wait to see  El Mascarado fuck him up (and fuck him up, he does). Steve is the nerdy Mexican cameraman; he's the one we like, and he's also the only one who really knows anything about what's going on. There's Jimbo, the token stoner who doesn't really have much of a point. Then there's the girls: Dallas, Daisy, and Debbie. They're hot, but not all that bright. Of course. The only one with a little sense is Dallas, which is cool 'cause she's the hottest one of them all. After a while, Steve figures out that the only way to stop El Mascarado is to take his mask off, humiliating him and forcing him to "retire." Unfortunately, he never gets the chance to test out his theory, because his little match with Mascarado does not end well for him. He does get the chance to relay the news to Dallas, though, so that she can take him out. Dallas spent the majority of the "fight" scenes outside, trying to fix the van that Alfonse had fucked up (she's a mechanic!), so she showed up a little late. Anyways, she tries to get the mask off, but she gets too scared and flees (well, tries to flee...) El Mascarado ends up with the van, making his way back to civilization to cause mayhem. So, would removing his mask stop him? No one knows, I guess.

There were a few problems with this movie. The first that comes to mind is the lack of naked bodies. They were a porn crew after all, right? I'm not saying there wasn't any boobage, but there was very little. And the hottest one didn't get naked at all. But that's not a big problem, I don't think. The big problem was the fact that most of the kills happened off screen. We didn't get to see much of them, but it seemed like they mostly consisted of people getting beat to death. There was a whole lot of blood, though, and I'm not really sure where it all came from. Maybe just from having their faces ripped off? (They supposedly had their faces ripped off, but it just looked to me like they had blood rubbed on them) So there actually was a lot of blood, we just didn't get to see where it came from. They could have used a lot more wrestling moves in creative ways. The only one I noticed was a back breaker, which was actually kind of disappointed. My boyfriend suggested a hurricanrana into some barbed wire or some other sharp object. That would have been badass. If you don't know what a hurricanrana is, look it up. They're fucking awesome in regular wrestling, so putting one into a horror movie with some weapons would have been wonderful. But alas, there were no awesome wrestling moves here. Just off screen ass-whoopins that apparently caused bloodbaths.

Even with these problems, though, I really enjoyed the movie. I expected it to be stupid and silly, like Monster Brawl was. But it was a legitimate slasher movie. It lacked the gore and creative kills the best slasher movies have, but it was a slasher movie nonetheless. There was a big masked man chasing stupid half-naked girls around. They weren't out in the woods, but they were in a town in Mexico that was apparently called The Middle of No-Fucking-Where. And the ghost town setting made it pretty spooky. It was fun.

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can

#179 -- Underworld (2003)

Rating: 4 / 5
Director: Len Wiseman

I'm going to surprise you by saying that I found this movie On Demand. It wasn't on Fearnet, because they wouldn't dare to have such a good movie grace their VOD channel; it was on one of the premium channels, but I can't remember which one. I was really excited when I found it because, for some reason, I had never seen it before. I'd always been interested in it, but I never got around to watching it. Now I'm really glad I did. It is a vampire movie like no other I've ever seen before. It's also a werewolf movie unlike any I've ever seen.

A long time ago, werewolves were slaves to vampires. One werewolf in particular, Lucian, happened to fall in love with the daughter of the vampire Lord. They married, though it was frowned upon, and Sonya became pregnant. Instead of allowing the "abomination in her womb" thrive and becoming a member of his coven, Lord Viktor had his own daughter killed: burned alive, while Lucian watched. Ever since then, there was a terrible war between the vampires and the lycans. Selene was the character the the movie centered on. She was a vampire warrior, and she was intent on destroying every last one of the werewolves because she believed they killed her family. She learned differently later on, but I'll leave you to figure that one out for yourself. Anyway, Selene discovered that the werewolves had been stalking a human man, and it seemed strange that they would be interested in him as something other than food. So she took him from them, but she wasn't able to save him from a life altering bite from Lucian. Then she was in a bit of a pickle, because she kind of wanted to kill him. Everyone else in her coven certainly wanted him dead, but Selene had grown feelings for him, so she kept him safe.

Eventually we learned that Lucian needed Michael (the human) for his blood. He'd been working on figuring out a way to mix the species of vampire and werewolf, so that nothing like his story with

Sonya would have to happen to anyone else. And Michael's blood was the answer. Michael ended up turning into a vampire werewolf hybrid, and it was pretty fucking bad ass.

Everything about this movie was wonderful. The beautiful Kate Beckinsale played Selene, and she was absolutely amazing. I liked how it turned the werewolves into the sympathetic characters, and it made me angry at a creature that I usually love (vampires). I was on the lycans' side, because I felt for Lucian, and I hoped that he would succeed so that Michael and Selene could be together. Of course, I don't know yet if all that worked out, because I know their other Elder will be rising in the second movie. I haven't seen any of the others, but I'm really excited to check them out. Anyways, let's talk technical shit. The effects were good, of course, but I did think the werewolves looked kind of weird. Michael, as the hybrid, looked way better, and he was a whole hell of a lot stronger. I loved the atmosphere in this too. It was filmed beautifully; everything was dark, but not in the sense that I couldn't see shit, like a lot of movies are. The characters were easy to care for (or hate, accordingly), and I could actually feel something while I was watching it. But what I liked most was the story of it, and how different it was from anything I've ever seen. I was so excited to be able to see a half vampire, half werewolf. I can't believe it took me so long to get into this series, and I can't wait to check out the rest of the movies and see what happens between Selene and Michael. So if you're like me, and you haven't yet checked this out, please do so immediately. You won't regret it, and you'll thank me for it later.

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can

#177 -- Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning (1985)

Director: Danny Steinmann
Rating: 4.9 / 5

Attention: I apologize to any people weirdos who haven't seen these movies, but all of my Friday the 13th reviews do contain spoilers, because I can't control my urge to rant.

I've noticed that my reviews of movies are different from most peoples'. Even this, even though most everyone likes (or at least appreciates) these movies, their opinions are all different than mine on the individual films. The ones on the top of my list are on the bottom of others', it seems. This one isn't at the top or the bottom; I'd put it somewhere in the middle, which seems to be the normal thing to do. So at least we're all on the same page with this one. This is the controversial F13 movie. Some love it (really?), some hate it, and some could care less. I saw all of the movies when I was a kid, though it was at a time when I could barely remember what was happening (all I knew was that guy in the hockey mask scared the SHIT out of me). I re-watched all of them when I was thirteen, and when I got to this one, I was severely pissed. I mean, foaming at the mouth, ready to kill someone pissed. It's not really Jason? Then what the fuck is the point? But now, as I'm older and wiser, I'm able to appreciate it for what it is (or what it seems to me).

Remember Tommy Jarvis, the cute little kid who seriously fucked Jason up in the fourth movie? Well, he's a little bit older now, and a little bit crazy. And he quite resembles the original Blue Ranger. He doesn't really do much. He just has hallucinations about Jason coming back to get him. Oh, and he beats the shit out of anyone who pisses him off. Here's what I think the point of this movie is. Remember at the end of part four, where Tommy dressed up like Jason right before he killed him? It seemed like they were trying to make it look like Tommy was going to go crazy and "take Jason's place." And now, here he is, in a halfway house called Pinehurst, acting crazy and suspicious. It doesn't help that he disappears any time a murder happens, and the bodies of his fellow crazies are all stashed in his bedroom. There are a few people they try to make look suspicious, but they aren't really around long enough to be suspicious at all. Of course, none of this really matters at all. Going into this one, we're not given any clues whatsoever that it might not really be Jason. So, silly as we are, we assume it is. So making other people look suspicious is kind of silly. The only thing we have to go on in this one is a police officer stating that Jason is dead and gone. But that doesn't help either, because we know that even if they believe he's dead, it doesn't make it true. And even if he was dead, it's a horror movie, and that doesn't mean he's going to stay dead. So, it might not be a very good point, but that's what I think it was trying to do.

Early on in the movie, one of the kids is viciously murdered. It is Joey, a special guy who gets on everyone's nerves. He's killed by Vick, and chopped into itty bitty pieces. The scene seems kind of pointless, but it plays an important role in the big finale. In the end, this pseudo-Jason is Roy, a paramedic who happened to be Joey's father. We didn't know he was Joey's father, because apparently he abandoned the boy. So my question is this: if he didn't care enough about Joey to be in his life, why care now? And, why did we never see or hear anything of Vick again? Why didn't Roy go after the one who actually killed his son, rather than everyone else who was completely innocent? It takes us back to the premise of the original film. Mrs. Voorhees killed the counselors because she blamed them for her son's death. But no one actually murdered Jason; she didn't have a suspect or a culprit or anyone to truthfully blame anything on. Roy did. Maybe the point of this one was to answer the question Whatever happened to Tommy? He went crazy, that's what happened. At the end, it still tried to make it look like Tommy was going to don the hockey mask and take over Jason's position. I'm not really sure why, because Tommy returned in the sixth film to fight the evil again.

Let's talk about the mask. Notice how it looks a little bit different? That's the fake Jason mask, because the Jason Tommy sees in his dreams wears the real thing. Yeah, it looks stupid. People say it's the worst mask in the entire series, which is true. But I like it that way. I wouldn't want some faker wearing my Jason's real mask. Would you? No, I didn't think so. Some people really hate the fact that it wasn't really Jason, and it bothers me too a little bit. There were some problems with the story in this movie, but I see where it was trying to go with it. And whatever it lacks in story or execution, it makes up for in kills. There's a huge body count, and this movie actually has three of my favorite kills. Most of the kills weren't shown in their full glory, but actually after the fact (which is another thing I didn't like). One of those, though, is totally worth it: a girl gets her face all cut up by a pair of garden shears. We don't get to see it happen, but we get to see what's left of her face afterwards. A guy gets a leather strap bored into his eyes (I don't know how to explain it, but it was badass.) The comic relief for this one is a couple of hillbillies, Ethel and her son Junior. Junior was riding his motorcycle in circles around the house, screaming about how Tommy beat him up, and he runs right into pseudo-Jason's machete. It's all shits and giggles.

Even though there were plenty of things going wrong for this movie, it still only loses .1 in my rating. I refuse to go any lower than that for any of these movies, because I would feel completely blasphemous otherwise. It was something different for the series, which I understand and can appreciate. It's not great, but it's not awful either.

Here's my favorites, in order from best to worst; so let's see if we agree on anything.
7, 1, 3, 6, 4, 8, 2009 Remake, 2, 5, 9, FvJ, X

Let me know how you feel!

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can