#62 -- Triangle (2009)

Director: Christopher Smith

Rating: 4 / 5

I got this movie from Blockbuster because, honestly, I couldn't figure out what I wanted to watch. I just grabbed and said, "To hell with it." I really didn't expect much from it. But trust me when I say do not pay attention to the synopsis on the back of the DVD cover. It reads:

When Jess sets sail on a yacht with a group of friends, she cannot shake the feeling that there is something wrong. Her suspicions are realized when the yacht hits a storm in the Bermuda Triangle and the group is forced to board a passing ocean liner to get to safety. The ship appears deserted, but Jess is convinced she's been on board before. They soon realize that are not alone. Someone is intent on hunting them down, one by one.

This sounds interesting enough, I guess, but there is so much more to it than that. Jess eventually realizes, after throwing the so-called killer overboard, that the murders are not being committed by an outside force. It is her that is killing her friends. Soon after pushing the killer overboard, she sees a yacht full of people yelling for help: her friends, and herself. She runs around the ship, trying to keep her friends (and the other her) from seeing her. She finds evidence that she's been there many times before, in fact, and has killed all of her friends several times. Each time they are all killed, it all starts over again, and she realizes that she must kill them all in order to get back home.

There is a lot to follow in this one, and it is a very intricate story that I think was done very well. The continuity was spot-on, and though there is a lot to follow, it manages to make perfect sense. It is not confusing, but it is a bit of a mind-fuck. It is definitely worth a watch, but I wouldn't advise doing so under the influence of hallucinatory drugs. If you do, your mind will surely be fucked beyond repair.

Jeffrey Dahmer Ate My Boyfriend

I thought I'd start sharing some more of my writing, just to get it out there and read by someone. What better critiques than my fellow horror fans? So, here goes. This is one of my favorite poems that I've ever written. I don't claim to be a poet, per say, but I do try every now and then. They're usually not that great, but this one has stuck with me since I wrote it about four years ago. I hope you enjoy it. :)


Jeffrey Dahmer Ate My Boyfriend

Here’s a story you won’t soon forget
It’s the story of a boy
And how his end was met
We were on a road trip, you see
Just he and I
We wanted to travel the world
See everything underneath the sky
He stopped at a store
And went inside for snacks
It struck me peculiar
When he didn’t come back
I went inside to investigate
See what was taking him so long
What I saw inside there
I thought it very wrong

His heart was on a table
His fingers strewn about
His brain was in the freezer
And his spleen had been ripped out

I saw a man
With blood dripping from his lips
This couldn’t be real
I was surely having a fit

I dropped to my knees and began to cry
All this gore I couldn’t believe
And then I heard a soft sweet voice that said
“Hi, my name is Jeffrey.”

Jeffrey Dahmer ate my boyfriend
Killed him really well
He looked at me and said
“It’s alright. They don’t let cannibals in Hell.”
I said “Man, you’re crazy.
They’ll let anyone in there.”
He looked really sad
Then got really glad
As he smiled and said, “I’ll share.”

So that’s it, kiddies
The way he bit the dust
That’s just the way it happened
It must have been bad luck
But do not cry for me, children
Please do not fret
For I made a new friend on that trip
And, really, what you see is not what you get
His name is Jeffrey, and he is really neat
He always knows just the right way to
Eat. Your. Meat.

#61 -- Hatchet 2 (2010)

Director: Adam Green

Rating: 5 / 5

Sequels often times fall short of the original, but I believe Hatchet II holds up to its predecessor. If you haven’t seen the first, it is not a problem. There is a brief recap, and this one goes deeper into the story of Victor Crowley and his father. The boy was cursed from birth, and the curse lived on throughout his life and after his death. But there might be a way to lift the curse – to free the town of New Orleans from the vicious killer and make the swamps safe again.

Mary Beth has survived the rage of Victor Crowley, and she seeks help back in town. In the first film, we were led to believe that Victor killed her, leaving no one alive. Hatchet II takes place the day after the adventures of the first movie, and Mary Beth has escaped to a shack nearby. The man who lives in the shack, Jack Cracker, kicks her out after realizing who she is, and is immediately killed by Victor. When Mary Beth returns to town, she is alive and well, and she wants to go back. She wishes to retrieve the bodies of her father and her brother, in order to give them a proper burial. She speaks to Reverend Zombie, the local voodoo doctor/tour guide operator, and he agrees to take her back to the swamp. They get a team together, a group of the dumbest people in town. I say this because they know the story of the demented and disfigured killer, but they go along anyway. Reverend Zombie (Tony Todd, aka Candyman) has bribed them – they will each receive 500 dollars, and five thousand will go to anyone who can bring back Victor Crowley’s head. But Zombie has ulterior motives, and Mary Beth’s family has been hiding something terrible.

This one was kind of goofy, and the acting was lacking. But the kills – oh my god, can Kane Hodder kill some motherfuckers. I got to see one of my favorite kills again (I saw it done in a different movie, and never thought I’d ever see it done in another), when Victor killed Jack Cracker (played by John Carl Beuchler, special effects man of Friday the 13^th VII). He ripped his guts out, wrapped them around his head, and kaboom! Decapitated. Ahhh, sweet sweet Victor, you have made me a very happy girl. Not only that; there are people being cut in half, having heads kicked off, spinal chords ripped out, and the BIGGEST chainsaw I have ever seen in my life – the whole shebang. While the story is a bit on the “meh” side, the gore and the kills…whoo, boy. Victor Crowley does not disappoint. From a gore whore’s perspective, this movie is definitely worth the time. And with Kane Hodder starring as yet another revenge-fueled psycho in the woods, what could possibly go wrong?

These movies are definitely a slasher fan’s wet dream. I can see Victor Crowley becoming this generation’s Jason – the next big slasher icon. I see several more sequels in the future; I doubt that we have seen the last of Mr. Crowley.

#60 -- Isolation (2005)

Director: Billy O'Brien

Rating: 2 / 5

On a dairy farm in Ireland, a strange genetic experiment is being conducted. A scientist wishes to create genetically altered cows that will become fertile at an earlier age. One of the cows on the farm becomes pregnant and gives birth to a half-dead little calf. The vet assigned to the experiment soon discovers, through an autopsy, that the calf had been pregnant.

But the calf wasn't pregnant with another little baby calf – no, it was pregnant with some little worm/scorpion things. There were, I believe, six of them, and only one survived. Now it is making its way through the farm, searching for host bodies, and growing at a fast rate. Oh, and these mutant cow-things can infect humans by biting them. So, here we have zombie-cow-scorpion-worm things. 

It seems like the first thirty minutes of this movie consist of a veterinarian's arm shoved up inside a cow's ass. The rest, for the most part, is extremely slow. There is a lot of jibber jabber and not a lot of action; and, to my disappointment, we never get a really good look at the calf's mutant offspring. I know it was big, hungry, and probably pretty fucked-up looking. But I'm not sure. I was excited about seeing this movie, because I am a lover of anything and everything Irish, but…That fact just couldn't make me like this movie. The story was absolutely ridiculous, it was too slow, and honestly…it was just gross. I don't think this is much of a horror movie, besides the last twenty minutes which were spent trying to kill of the mutant cow-zombie-scorpion thing. Everything else was just weird. I'm a vegetarian, but if I weren't – I think I would be now. I definitely don't want to go anywhere near a cow any time soon. 

Watch this movie if you want to see cow-fisting and butt babies.

#59 -- J-Horror Anthology: Legends (2005)

Directors: Hiroaki Hirakata, Hiroshi Ikezoe, Tadafumi Tomioka & Naoto Yamakawa

Rating: 4 / 5

This is a series of six Japanese short films based on local legends. Some are not scary at all, some are funny, while others are utterly terrifying. But this is a wonderful watch, nonetheless.

Peony Lamp: A young woman visits her ex lover in hopes that he has not forgotten her, since she had supposedly died. He welcomes her to his bed with open arms. He father did not want her seeing her lover, because he was of lower class, and her side of the story was that her father had lied about her death - to keep her lover from trying to see her. But the man's friend is convinced that the young woman is a ghost trying to take him back to the underworld with her, and sets out to help his friend resist his temptations in order to survive. 

She-Bear: This is the best in the collection, and one of my favorite movies, short or otherwise. Two young girls are traveling through a tunnel (may be a subway, I'm not quite sure). They see a sign that says "Run away from She-Bear" and it refers to a local legend. They put it off as nonsense, until they see the creepy old lady in the corner. She carries a stuffed teddy bear around, sings creepy songs, and...kills people for their jewelry. This woman, this thing, this She-Bear is terrifying. Can the two girls run away from She-Bear?

Terrified girls from "She-Bear"

Yamamba: A couple of reporters are investigating a local legend about some sort of demon called Yamamba. The locals are very vague and distant, and they refuse to talk about the beast. One man finally comes clean and says that, "Whoever speaks of Yamamba gets eaten by Yamamba." They decide to look for the demon and end up getting lost in the woods. They are taken in by a friendly young woman for the night, only for one of them to end up as dinner.

Nurarihyon: A young boy sees a spirit in his home - a lumpy-headed ghost named Nurarihyon. His magic is initiated when he says his own name, in an extremely comical way, and he likes causing mischief. Of course, the young boy gets blamed for a little while, until his mother finally discovers Nurarihyon and flips her shit. But, this ghost - like Casper - comes in peace. When their home is invaded by burglars, Nurarihyon comes to the rescue. 

Heartbroken Trip: Two friends decide to take a trip after one's ass of a boyfriend breaks up with her. One of the girls is late getting to the hotel, but assures her friend that she will be there as soon as she can. She tells her that there has been a terrible accident on the highway and it is backing up traffic. Meanwhile in the hotel, one of the girls is starting to see creepy things - ghosts that seem to be incredibly pained. She almost has a nervous breakdown, when her friend finally arrives. The friend makes a speech about their friendship and fond memories, and when she wakes up in the morning, her friend is gone. She finds out a little while later that her friend was not telling the whole truth about the accident.

Nurarihyon

Lost Souls: A young couple is taking a drive and looking for a place to eat. They go into a little noodle shop, where the place mats read: "Do not look." A strange family enters, and the waiter will not look at them as he takes their orders. He instructs the young couple not to look at the family if they wish to go straight home, but the woman cannot resist. She looks, and they get stuck on a stretch of road, driving repeatedly by the same spot. It seems that this family, after driving off the bridge and into the lake, would like some new friends.

These stories are quite nice, though not all of them are scary. Some are sad (Heartbroken Trip), some funny (Nurarihyon); but some others are downright scary. My favorites in this are She-Bear and Lost Souls. While the collection is good, I would give it three stars for the most part; but that extra star goes to She-Bear alone. It is definitely worth it for any other J-horror fans out there.

Note: I could not find a trailer for this movie anywhere. Instead, the link in The Trailer Park will take you to the first half of the short She-Bear.

My Pet Zombie

I have been looking forward to the Zombie Walk ever since I joined up, and I'm so happy that it's finally here. It's finally time for you guys to meet one of my very best friends. I addressed my pet zombie in a previous post. I implied that he is an asshole, which he is. But he has a reason for it, so I can’t blame him too much. He doesn’t like me very much, I don’t think. The only reason he stays with me is because I feed him. I don’t really feel comfortable telling you how I feed him (legal issues); but regardless of how it’s done, we’ve established a nice symbiotic relationship. I feed him; he keeps me safe from psychos at night. That was the deal. One night, when we were hiding from one of those psychos, he told me a story to alleviate some of my distress. He agreed to let me share his story with all of you (maybe he’s not such an asshole, after all; I think I’ll go give him a hug when I’m finished). It might not be verbatim, but it’s close enough and should adequately explain why he is the way he is.

***

#58 -- A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Director: Wes Craven
Rating: 5 / 5

When a friend has a horrible nightmare, Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) and her boyfriend Glen (Johnny Depp) decide to stay the night with her in order to make sure that she's okay. They don't really think much of what their friend says, until she's mysteriously murdered in her sleep. The girl's boyfriend is arrested for the murder and taken to jail, but Nancy and Glen don't believe that he had anything to do with it. One by one their friends are murdered in their sleep, and they soon start to believe that maybe, these dreams are more than what they seem. Nancy begins to have the dreams as well. They feature a terribly burned man in a striped sweater and a brown hat, and that man is Freddy Krueger. Krueger was a child murderer who was burned to death by a bunch of locals, including Nancy's parents. Now, he's back to kill them, as a way to get revenge on their parents, by entering their dreams.

Okay, that's all the synopsis you're getting, because if you don't already know everything I just said...something's wrong with you. Even non-horror-lovers know about Freddy, so where in the hell have you been? Instead of more pointless synopsis, let's get into what makes this movie so incredible. Some people (like my boyfriend, what the fuck's his problem?) think that a killer who murders kids in their dreams is stupid. I guess it could have been stupid if it had been in the wrong hands, but thankfully, it was in the hands of Wes Craven. Here's what I think happened: Wes got together with whoever else helped him here, they decided that they wanted to make a horror movie. They wanted to do some weird things, and they knew that these things were silly, but they were smart about it. They came up with an idea which allowed them to do the stupidest, silliest, and weirdest things and all of that would be A-okay. The fact that Freddy is a dream demon means that everything makes perfect sense. Even the most far-fetched things are perfectly plausible because everyone knows that nothing is impossible in your dreams. It didn't matter what they did with him, there's no way that it could have been stupid. Brilliant. 

That's what I love about these movies. There's no limit whatsoever to what Freddy can do. Anything that he does makes sense because he's always inside someone's dream. Not only does this mean that there are no stupid kills, it means that there are tons of things in these movies that you'll never seen anywhere else. These movies have the most creative and unique kill scenes that you will ever see, and I absolutely love them for that. There's always something new and inventive, and you just can't wait to see what Freddy's going to do next. Again, this is brilliant film-making. 

Another thing that everyone love about these movies is Freddy himself. He is the goofiest serial killer ever, and we love him for it. He's got a very dark sense of humor, he's goofy as hell, and he's always got something to say. He's an asshole, of course, and he's always making fun of people before he kills them, but he does it in such a hilarious way that you can't help but love him. I know that other people have attempted to have those funny killers, but none of them succeed the way that Freddy does. In most cases, those killers end up not being funny at all. In the rare cases that they are actually funny, it only makes them less scary and ruins the horror aspect of the movie. Here, though, everything is executed absolutely perfectly. Freddy is funny as hell, but he's still scary. I don't know how they succeeded at this, but I can only assume it's because they're geniuses. 

Sometimes, when a series goes on for so long, people start to get bored with it. They're tired of seeing the same killer kill basically the same characters movie after movie, and always in the same way. That can't happen here, which is another great thing about it. Because of the dream aspect, with the limitless ways that Freddy can kill, he will never get old. They can keep making these movies for hundreds of years, and as long as someone has new ideas for Freddy's kills, there will always be something different and exciting. As long as it doesn't get into the wrong hands, Freddy will live forever. 

I didn't see these movies as early on in my life as I did Friday the 13th, but I was still pretty young. I still feel like I grew up with Freddy as well, so all these movies have a special place in my heart. I loved them then, I love them now, and I will love them forever. Freddy Krueger is one hell of a killer, one funny motherfucker, and it's no wonder he's become so iconic in the horror world. He's awesome, end of story. And Robert Englund played the part so brilliantly that it is completely, 100% impossible not to love him. 

#57 -- House of Fears (2007)

Director: Ryan Little
Rating: 3 / 5

A group of friends decides to leave a party, and instead break into a haunted house attraction. It is called The House of Fears, and they must travel through each level of fear: spiders, the dark, clowns, and ghosts – just to name a few. But, what they don't know is that an African relic has been placed inside the house – a relic that brings their fears to life. So, quite literally, the kids have to face their fears in order to get out with their lives.

Some of the kids' fears are typical, others not so much. But regardless, each of those fears is out to get them. I like the idea of the movie, and I think it could have been quite wonderful. It's not that it was bad; it's just that the fear-factor (for viewers) is zero. The set was wonderful, and I found myself wishing there was a haunted house like that near me. It was beautiful in its sinister sort of way. The acting was decent; the gore was non-existent, as were effects of any sort. There were a few characters that could be related to, but other than that, it was another one of those "meh" films. I didn't hate it; I didn't love it.

I enjoyed the set more than anything, really. There was a brightly-colored, spinning room; the hall of mirrors, and the "funhouse" bit (with black-lights and clown murals); a graveyard with creepy crypt-keeper. The set was amazing, and I think that's what made this film bearable. Jared Padalecki made a brief appearance at the beginning, and I was disappointed that he didn't get more screen time. I was hoping that he would end up being the killer, but...Overall, this movie is not all that great; it's dull and forgettable. But I enjoyed it, again, mostly because of the setting.

#56 -- Hatchet (2006)

Director: Adam Green
Rating: 5 / 5

Hatchet claims that it is "old school American horror," and I think every horror fan on the planet would have to agree. Those of us who grew up on Jason and Michael, and realize that horror just isn't what it used to be, should be very glad that we now have something modern that can remind us of those movies we loved as children. I know I am.

Victor Crowley, insanely deformed from birth, was killed during a fire many years ago. As his father was chopping at the door, trying to get his son out, he accidentally sliced Victor's face with a hatchet, giving him the nickname "hatchet-face." But now, Victor's spirit is stuck living the night he was killed, roaming the swamp in search of his father. This is no good for the citizens of New Orleans. The swamp has been cut off limits and made illegal to visit. But some people can't stay away, and some others provide illegal swamp tours. Most of the people on the tour we see are just kids looking for a good time, but not Mary Beth. Mary Beth is searching for her father and brother, who disappeared in the swamp days before. Needless to say, the tour doesn't end well for most of them.

You could say that this is just another "killer in the woods" movie; nothing special. But I think it is the story behind Victor Crowley that makes Hatchet special. I might not speak for everyone else, but I can feel for him. His story is sad, and I feel bad for the poor guy. Not only was he tormented all throughout his childhood, he was killed by his own father. Since his father died years after Victor's death, he is no where around; but Victor apparently doesn't know that. All he wants is his daddy back, and you can hear him in the swamp calling after him. 

The cast is wonderful. It includes Kane Hodder as Victor Crowley, Robert Englund as Mary Beth's father, Tony Todd as Reverend Zombie, and Deon Richmond as Marcus (the comic relief). The characters work well together, whether they've got good relationships, hate each other, or are complete strangers meeting for the first time. They are believable, and most are able to relate to. Victor is a vicious killer, and the kills show it. Hatchet is pretty damn gory, and it will please any gore whore. This movie is reminiscent of the slasher flicks I grew up on. The tagline reads: "Victor Crowley is the next icon of horror," and I would have to agree. Most, by now, know that there is a second film, and I see more in the future. Indeed, Victor Crowley is the next big thing.

#55 -- Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

Director: Stephen Chiodo

Rating: 5 / 5

With a title like that, I think some people might be turned off, and you really can't expect much from it. But Killer Klowns does not disappoint. It is just what an '80s horror movie should be. In fact, it's just what any good cheesy horror movie should be. It's filled with cheesy gore and even cheesier characters. It seems that this movie is a love it or hate it type of deal, and for me it's nothin' but love. I really can't understand all the negativity I've heard about it, because it's nothing short of amazing.

When a couple stumbles upon a mysterious big-top out in the middle of the woods, their lives change drastically. The girl is abducted, trapped in a bubble and left to die. Her boyfriend must find a way to save her as well as everyone else that have been trapped in the bubbles. I think the "bubbles" might have been made out of bubble gum, but I'm not entirely sure. Some people were also trapped in cotton candy cocoons, which the klowns then stuck straws into and drank their juices. Anyways, this guy has to save the town all by himself, because no one in their right mind will believe the story he has to tell. That is, until the Killer Klowns come to their house. He calls upon a couple of his friends, and they ride around town in an ice cream truck on a mission to save everyone from the intergalactic funny-men. 

The little guy pictured above is my favorite character in the movie. The clowns don't talk, but they definitely have personality. You can tell who the leaders are, and who the pipsqueaks are. This little guy is definitely the pipsqueak of the family, but he should not be underestimated. There's one particular scene -- the best one in the movie, in my opinion -- where this little guy shows just how tough he can be. It involves a biker gang, a destroyed bicycle, a sad little clown, and a head in a dumpster. But that's just one of the many great scenes here. There's another with shadow puppets that can actually cause damage, and one with clowns in jail. There's a lot of good stuff going on, trust me on that.

Not only do the clowns have bubbles and cocoons at their disposal, but they also have popcorn guns. When they shoot the guns, popcorn rains on their target; but it's not your average everyday popcorn. From this popcorn springs even more Killer Klowns, in some kind of weird worm form. I assume that this is their baby-form, and that these worms will eventually grow into adult killer klowns just like the rest.

The clowns look horrible. It probably would have looked better, physically, if they'd just slapped some face paint on themselves, but it just wouldn't have been the same that way. The terrible clowns is part of what makes them awesome. When I saw this movie for the first time, it instantly became one of my favorites. I'm not a huge fan of aliens, but when they're clowns I can't help but love them. This movie is goofy, funny and just downright fun to watch. If you're a fan of b-movies, clowns, or just want to have a good time -- rent this movie immediately, and enjoy it with a big heaping bowl of popcorn. But beware -- the Killer Klowns just might be hot on your trail.

#54 -- Dracula (1931)

Director: Tod Browning

Rating: 4 / 5

"Children of the night, what music they make."

This movie was a giant stepping stone in the horror genre. Not only was it the first horror movie with sound, but Count Dracula has become the most famous vampire known to man. And it's no wonder why. With his simplicity, he is far more frightening than most vampires we see today. His bulging eyes strike fear into the hearts of us all. 

Count Dracula (Bela Lugosi) travels to London, along with his servant. On the way, the crew of the ship is killed, and the Count's servant left a raving lunatic. He believes that he needs the blood of the living in order to sustain his own life. Whether or not the Count has transformed him, I'm not sure. He is admitted to an asylum.

Count Dracula meets Ms. Mina while in London, and it appears that he has taken a liking to her. It seems that he wishes to make her his bride, because seeks her out every chance he gets. He stalks her home and torments all those around her. I can't figure out who is scarier: Count Dracula or his creepy servant. With the servant's bug-eyes and maniacal laughter, it's a close call. 

Dracula finally gets to Ms. Mina, and everyone keeps a close eye on her, though she claims that she feels better than she's ever felt in her life. And she seems to be craving the blood of her fiance, Mr. Harker. Dracula takes her back to his castle, where he sleeps the day away. Mina is out and about, and Professor Helsing (who is bound and determined to kill the Count) drives a stake through Dracula's heart. Mina clutches at her chest as if she is in pain, claims that the Count almost killed her, and retreats with her fiance. I'm not sure if they only wanted us to believe that she'd been transformed, or if, in killing Count Dracula, her vampire-ism was cured. 

A lot of people have problems with watching classic movie such as this, but I'm not sure why. It is their simplicity which makes them terrifying. They don't try too incredibly hard to scare us, but they deliver the goods nonetheless. These movies are beautifully made (once you look past the bats on strings), simple, and horrifying in their own right. If you're a big horror fan, these are a must. You cannot truly appreciate what the genre has become unless you take a look at where it came from.

Vampires have changed a lot since the early days. But whether they're big, vicious and monstrous or shiny, whiny and romantic, they are nothing compared to Count Dracula.

#53 -- The Wolf Man (2010)

Director: Joe Johnston

Rating: 3 / 5

Lately, all werewolves have turned into wolves. I know what you're thinking: "But, they're supposed to be wolves!" Wrong. They're not wolves. They're werewolves – meaning MANbeast. It seems like most werewolf movies these days have men turning completely into wolves, rather than a man/wolf hybrid. This version of The Wolf Man – well, it's an actual wolf man, and I appreciate that greatly. 

A man, Lawrence, returns home to investigate the death of his brother, Ben. A beast has been loose in the town; some believe it is a wolf, some believe it is a lunatic, but some others know the truth. When Lawrence tries to kill the beast, he is bitten. He is stitched up by a gypsy woman and returns home. But he is not normal, of course. He transforms during a full moon and commits terrible murders. He is committed to an asylum. The doctor makes himself, and everyone else, believe that he is actually not a werewolf, but a crazy person who has convinced himself that he's a werewolf. Even though they've seen him in wolf form, they go along with it, for whatever reason. But there's still another beast out there…So Lawrence must keep hidden from the police, while simultaneously trying to save the woman he loves from the other beast, who wishes to kill her. 

The transformation scenes are graphic and visually stunning. It is amazing how real it looks; I was incredibly impressed with the effects. This movie includes an epic werewolf battle, a story of loss and love, and betrayal. It is a beautiful film, visually, and each character is well developed. My opinion is this: I can appreciate that it is a good and well made movie, but I didn't love it. That's not because it had flaws, or just wasn't good – as I've said before. It is simply personal tastes. I can appreciate the movie for what it is, and I would recommend it to just about anyone.

#52 -- The Box (2009)

Director: Richard Kelly

Rating: 2 / 5

Cameron Diaz and James Marsden star as a couple fallen on hard times. Though he is a rocket scientist working for NASA, they live in a big, nice house, and he drives a corvette. So I'm not quite sure how hard those times are. Probably about as hard as my dick. And I'm a girl...so it's probably not all that hard. But, we're supposed to believe they're struggling, so we'll go along with it. When they receive a package in the mail, it seems that their problems will soon be over - or become a lot worse. An old man - with half his face missing - arrives and explains the deal to them. If they push the button on the box, they will receive 1 million dollars. And someone in the world will die. They will be responsible for someone's death - is that worth 1 million dollars. With medical bills piling up due to Diaz's messed up foot, they definitely think so.

They push the button, and soon after, a woman is killed. It seems that everyone in town is in on the "deal," and everyone gets nose bleeds when they talk about it. And apparently, the old man is an alien. He was struck by lightning years before, and said that it gave him some sort of special powers. But a lot of weird things happen to the happy couple, and...none of them make sense. Not to me, at least. This movie is more confusing than horror, and I was extremely confused throughout the majority of it. Plus I was thrown off by Cameron Diaz's atrocious southern accent. 

They were given a second deal, as well. Their son was abducted, and made to lose his sight and hearing. The deal was this: the man could shoot his wife in the heart, and their son would return to normal; or, they could live with their son the way he was. 

I didn't know what was going on half the time I was watching this. The movie was based on a short story by Richard Matheson, and I feel that the story might reveal more. I will check the story out if I can find it, and hopefully be able to better understand what was going on. But for now, I have no idea, and it quite bothers me. The premise of the movie was good, but the slow pacing, and not being able to understand it, threw me off. It was disappointing, but I would recommend it to people who have read and enjoyed the short story.

Friday the (not-so) 13th, Part 1

In dedication to my favorite movie, favorite horror villain, and future husband, I decided to make Friday my official rant and rave day. If I haven't made clear how much I love these movies, and Jason himself, keep following my blog, and you will surely find out. In my Friday the (not-so) 13th series, I will blog about all things F13, of course! Whatever my heart desires will go here. Photos, little tidbits of information I've picked up over the years, or just rants about the series and/or the icon, because I have plenty.

The many faces of Jason Voorhees

Year: 1980
Played by Ari Lehman. This is Jason as a child, when he'd supposedly been drowned in the lake. Jason attacked Alice, the sole survivor of his mother's rampage, after she killed Mrs. Voorhees. The movie took place twenty-three years after Jason was supposed to have drowned, yet he still appeared as a child. This leads me to believe that Alice was hallucinating, though no explanation was ever really made.


Year: 1981
Played by Steve Dash/Warrington Gillette. This one takes place five years after the previous murders, and Jason is a fully grown man and in farmer-like attire. It is Gillette's face that we see, but Dash portrayed Jason throughout the majority of the film.




Year: 1982
Played by Richard Brooker. This is the film where Jason got his iconic hockey mask. He stole it off of a practical joker, Shelly, and the rest has been history.






Year: 1984
Played by Ted White. Jason was "killed" by Tommy Jarvis, a little boy played by Corey Feldman.







Year: 1985
Played by Tom Morga. Jason actually was not the killer in this one, but a man who was angry about his son being murdered. He pretended to be Jason, and went on a killing spree at the mental hospital where Tommy Jarvis has been admitted. The real Jason only appears to Tommy, in hallucinations/dreams. If you look closely, when Tommy is seeing the real Jason, he has the usual red triangle between the eyes of his hockey mask. The impostor Jason has blue streaks down each side. This is how you can tell if it's the real thing or not.

Year: 1986
Played by C.J. Graham. He is bigger and scarier than before, and kind of funny as well. This one has some of my favorite kills of the series (not because of the gore, but because they're funny). Mr. Graham is an ex-marine, was in good shape, and played the role quite well.




Year: 1988
Played by the king himself, Kane Hodder. This is the first of four films starring Mr. Hodder as our dear Jason (making him the only person to play the role more than once). This, in my opinion, is the best look Jason has ever had. Director John Carl Buechler's vision for this one was brilliant, I think, if just for Jason's look alone.



Year: 1989
Played, once again, by Kane Hodder. Jason looks a little sad and goofy in this one, but I don't mind. There is a scene in a sewer where Jason barfs up some water, and some might not know that that was real. Kane Hodder can vomit on command. He drank a lot of water beforehand, and that is actual puke that you're seeing.



Year: 1994
Played by Kane Hodder. I didn't care much for his look in this one, because his head looked really weird. He actually had many different looks, because he possessed several people throughout the movie. But, this is Jason as we know and love him. His "true form" was a strange little worm creature.




Year: 2001
Played by Kane Hodder. If I had seen this picture before seeing the movie, I would have screamed, "That's not Jason!" But, yes, my friends...That is Jason. He didn't look like this the whole time, but it is just too ridiculous to overlook. Not only was he IN SPACE, they turned him into some kind of robot. Being a huge fan of his "classic" look (hockey mask, ragged clothing), this was not appealing to me whatsoever. He was stronger and harder to defeat, which was good, but come on people!

Year: 2003
Played by Ken Kirzinger. I was destined not to like Jason quite as much in this one, just because Kane Hodder was booted. I love the movie, but Jason just didn't quite seem like himself. The look was okay, aside from the fact that he was black for some reason, with long scraggly hair.




Year: 2009
Played by Derek Mears. Jason was still big, but more lean and cut. Derek Mears did a wonderful job portraying the character, and I loved this movie a lot more than I thought I would. He was lean and mean and mhm mhm good. Kane Hodder will always be my numero uno, but Derek succeeded where others fell short - in making Jason friggin' sexy. He's always been sexy to me, but even more so here.


So, there we have it. Jason's changed a lot over the years, with the only consistency being the hockey mask. But whether he's scary or goofy, huge or not-so-big, he's vicious and unstoppable, and he will always hold a special place in my heart.

#51 -- Night of the Demons (2010)

Director: Adam Gierasch

Rating: 3 / 5

Night of the Demons (a remake of the 1988 film of the same title) is about a Halloween party gone horribly wrong. Angela (Shannon Elizabeth) wants to throw the biggest Halloween bash EVER, and she succeeds...until the cops show up and crash it. Unfortunately for them, a small group stays behind and ends up getting locked in. When Angela is bitten by a skeleton found in the basement (I know, right?), things start to go wrong. She gets possessed by one of the demons, kisses a boy and, in turn, possesses him. Yes, this "demon-thing" is transmitted through kissing and/or sex, as well as biting/scratching. So, not only is this a "demon-thing", it's also a "zombie-vampire-whore" thing. And most of the girls...They are whores, especially Angela. 

Back in the 1920s, a Halloween seance went wrong, and the lady of the house hung herself (the house that our party is being thrown in, that is). The demons in question have been kicked out of hell (they're THAT badass). If they can possess seven people on Halloween night, they will be set free. The woman (Evangeline) would have been the seventh, but she did not want the demons set free. So, she killed herself before they could get to her. Now, the demons have returned to try again. Will our heroine, Maddie, make it until dawn? Well...no one cares, really. 

These kids were pretty stupid. Everything seemed pretty forced to me, and because of that I could care less what happened to them. There really wasn't much story to any of them, so how could I? I think my favorite character was the guy dressed as a bloody doctor. I think his name was Jason, though I'm not sure. I like him because of one simple line, when one of the demon girls traps him in a bathroom. She sticks a tube of lipstick through her nipple, then fishes it back out again through her vagina. When Doctor-boy is trying to explain this to the others, he says, "She stuck a lipstick in her boob, and it fell out of her pussy!" I was lol'ing and lmao'ing all over myself. It was pretty messy. 

The effects in this one were pretty good, I think. It seems that I am the only person who thinks so, but that's okay. They weren't splendid, but they were okay. Sadly, I think most of the time making the movie was spent on just that - instead of writing the script. The dialogue was horrible (aside from the line mentioned above, of course). But one particular demon grabbed my attention because, no matter what anyone else says, she looked awesome. Why? Because she'd had her face ripped off. Hell yes.

I enjoyed this. I saw the original almost ten years ago, and I honestly can't remember that much about it, and that might have something to do with why my opinion differs from others'. I noticed a few differences between original and remake, but that is natural. It wasn't all that bad, but it wasn't wonderful either. 

I swear, I'm finding too many "meh" movies lately. The day that I find something that completely blows my mind, I think I shall run through the streets screaming like a madwoman. Who's with me? No one? Oh, well, okay then. 

But anyways, Night of the Demons (2010) was an all right movie. If you're a huge fan of the original, well of course you should see it. If not, then whatever. While it was pretty good (it even included a brief scene of a demon orgy), I don't think you'd really be missing much if you skipped over it.

#50 -- The Red Shoes (2005)

Director: Yong-gyun Kim

Rating: 3 / 5

In 1944, a dancer (Keiko) finds her husband having an affair with with another dancer (Oki). Enraged, she kills Oki, cuts her feet off and steals her red shoes. 

In the present, a woman finds the red shoes (which are actually pink) on the subway and takes them home. Soon, both she and her daughter become obsessed with them. She and the little girl fight over the shoes, somewhat physically. The woman's friend visits, sees the shoes, and also becomes obsessed. She steals the shoes from the little girl (who had stolen them from her mother) and leaves. She is killed moments later, seemingly by a ghost. Or just an unseen source. 

It seems that anyone who wears the shoes will become incredibly greedy and go completely bonkers. The main character (Sun-jae) was a little bonkers to begin with, I think. She was, in fact, just like Keiko, in that she found her husband cheating on her. She killed him and stuffed him in a freezer. We know this because Tae-su, Sun-jae's daughter, said that her daddy came to visit, and that he was cold and needed to be let out. Sun-jae and her interior decorator speak to an old woman (who happened to be present during the murder in '44), and she said that the shoes should be returned immediately.

They return the shoes, give Oki a proper burial and pay respects to the deceased. But, somehow, the shoes keep coming back.

There is a nice twist at the end of this one, and it shows us what the shoes really are, and what they are capable of doing. The imagery is beautiful, as with almost every Asian horror movie out there, and that is partly why I love them so much. Even with the horrifying images being shown, or perhaps partly because of them, it is beautiful. Even though most Asian horror focuses on ghosts/spirits fueled by revenge, they each seem to create their own unique story that is interesting and intriguing. A spirit possessing a pair of shoes, and in turn possessing those who wear the shoes - The Red Shoes is a good example of that. While it's not the best in the genre I've seen, it is an interesting watch, and definitely should be sought out by all Asian horror fans.

#49 -- Chain Letter (2010)

Director: Deon Taylor

Rating: 3 / 5

With technology taking over the world, it is only natural that it is going to drive some people crazy. We rely on technology so much that, when we do not have access to it, we think we'll die. But for these people, that is true. 

There is a crazy man out there who hates technology so much that he wants to kill anyone who uses it. How does he do this? By sending chain letters. So...In order to get his point across - that technology is bad - he has to use the thing he hates. Plot hole? Maybe, but I don't think so. This was actually addressed in the movie, and detectives believe that he wishes to use it against them. It makes sense...somewhat.

So, when the teenagers get this chain letter that says, "Break the chain, lose your life," it's not something they should ignore. But, of course, some - most - of them do. What happens then? They're killed in grisly and awesome ways. You'd think that the killer would use a toaster as a weapon, right? No way, jose! Chains, chains, and more chains. Every single time, he kills the kids with chains. One gets a chain bored through his face; one gets ripped in half by chains; and one just gets hit in the face with a chain. 

I enjoyed this one, even with the kind of shitty plot. The gore is awesome, and the kills themselves are good - one even had me cringing. The acting and effects were good, and the movie overall was entertaining. The ending left something to be desired, and I was severely disappointed. I'm led to believe that there will be a part two, because the ending of this one was so vague. If not, then I guess it's just a writing flaw. But either way, the majority of this movie was quite enjoyable. Not the best, but nowhere near the worst movie I've ever seen. Three stars for the gore alone.

#48 -- American Psycho (2000)

Director: Mary Harron

Rating: 2.5 / 5

Christian Bale stars as Patrick Bateman - a business man obsessed with image/serial killer. He seems to suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, and he wants to be the absolute best at everything. But when that doesn't quite work out as he'd like, he goes a bit crazy. He kills a co-worker, a bum, some whores, and an old friend. 

One of the whores almost gets away, so he chases her through the apartment building - naked (except for a pair of running shoes) and wielding a chainsaw. ATMs start talking to him. He's withdrawing some cash, when he sees a little cat; he looks back to the screen, and flashing across it are the words feed me a stray cat. Now, this was the best part of the movie, because I literally laughed my ass off for five minutes straight.

He ends up confessing to his lawyer, but no one believes him. NO ONE BELIEVES HIM. I'm not sure why, but I was led to believe that he was imagining the whole thing. I was a bit confused throughout this entire movie; certain things seemed completely irrelevant, and I'd think once he confessed to killing about forty people he would have been arrested. But again...I just don't know.

I've read a couple of other reviews for this, all good, referring to the novel on which it was based. I think if I had read the book beforehand, I might have been able to understand the character of Patrick Bateman better. But as it is, I didn't read the book, and I didn't understand. This movie was slow and quite uneventful up until the last twenty minutes. Patrick was crazy and comical at times, but the initial kills weren't very exciting, and the slow pace threw me off. I would say that fans of the book should check this out, but I really don't know. Just as a movie on its own, though, it didn't have much to offer me.

#47 -- Aaah! Zombies!! (2007)

Director: Matthew Kohnen

Rating: 5 / 5

I would recommend watching this movie while enjoying some Mexican brain tacos and some brain margaritas.

Finally! I have stumbled onto something completely amazing. This is unlike any zombie movie I have ever seen. It is incredibly inventive and unique, and a definite pleasure to watch. 

A government experiment devised to create super soldiers has gone horribly wrong, turning the subjects into flesh-eating monsters. When a truck carrying the toxic gunk crashes and dumps its cargo into tubs of ice cream, and some guy mixes beer with that ice cream to enjoy with his friends...Well, hilarity ensues. The kids, however, don't realize that they are zombies. One of them starts feeling sick, but it soon passes. All they know is that people are running away from them for no apparent reason. 

But when they meet an ex-military-man - Nick -, he tells them that the rest of the world has become infected by the toxin. They run (or stumble) around, trying to rid the town of the plague. It isn't until Nick is captured by the government that they realize the truth. The doctors have created a machine that enhances the brain waves of the zombies, so that they can speak to them (before this, the only people who could understand them and didn't run away screaming were those who were incredibly intoxicated). 

So, they create an army of the undead (led by a talking head) to get away from those who wish to kill them. They decide to go out into the desert and start a new life. This is their promise land. But getting there is not going to be easy for our zombie friends. First they must get past all the government officials who are trying to eradicate them. 

This movie is so fantastic. I recommend it to zombie fans and otherwise. I think this one can be enjoyed by just about anyone. It is incredibly unique, and actually quite hilarious. Brain margaritas and picante mexican brain tacos? Oh yes, I'll have an order of that. 

Another interesting bit about this one is the switch from black-and-white to color. In color, the zombies appear to be normal people - this is how they see themselves and each other. But in black-and-white, it is how the rest of the world views them - monsters. And really, they're not monsters. They just don't want to be hurt. It makes you think twice about everything you've ever thought about zombies. Maybe they're not mindless; maybe they've just lost their ability to convey their emotions to US. Who knows? All I know is that this movie is amazing, and it instantly became one of my favorites. Definitely check it out for something new and interesting in the zombie subgenre of horror movies. While not exactly a horror, it is still a wonderful zombie flick.