#206 -- Trail of the Screaming Forehead (2007)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Larry Blamire

 What can you really expect from a title like that? Well, personally, I expected something awesome. I'm a huge fan of purposely stupid horror movies. I love that cheesy humor; I love movies that make fun of themselves. So, when I saw this on Fearnet's VOD, I was pretty excited. I thought, "Now there's something I can get on board with." But make no mistakes, this movie doesn't have to make fun of itself, because the viewers can do that for themselves.

Good horror-comedies have just the right amount of stupidity, and they're smart about it so it works. This is not one of those movies. It was purposely stupid; I wasn't wrong about that. But it wasn't very smart about it. There were no real jokes here, or at least nothing I actually found funny. It seemed to me that it was trying to poke fun at those old '50s and '60s movies that feature strange creatures and such. The difference is that those old movies are actually good. Trail had potential. If it had been done better, it could have been wonderful. But alas, it's just another one of those movies that tries to be awesome but fails.

It's about an alien race of foreheads. They were once just like humans, until they destroyed themselves through nuclear war. Then they realized that they only way they could survive was by evolving into foreheads. But that couldn't last forever, and their race was slowly dying. They came to Earth to steal the bodies of humans, so that they could continue living. They would attach themselves to peoples' foreheads, turning them into very boring folks. They were dull. Maybe it could have been better if the foreheads had turned them into wacky dancing machines. I'm not sure, but I don't think boring was the way to go. Anyways, the only people who weren't possessed were two annoying sailors and a librarian. It was up to them to figure out how to destroy the forehead creatures, and try to keep from getting possessed themselves.

Meanwhile, a couple of scientists were trying to figure out exactly what was going on. They knew nothing of the alien threat, I don't think. Their theory was that all human thought came from the forehead, rather than the brain. There was some chemical called Foreheadazine that would give them the answers. One of the scientists took Foreheadazine pills that were supposed to make him super smart. They figured that this would prove that thought came from the forehead. It did make him smarter, but it also gave him a gigantic forehead.

This one starred Daniel Roebuck as one of the boring possessed people. He's that guy who looks really familiar, and he's been in a lot of things I've seen, but I can't remember him from any of them. Maybe I'll remember him from this, though I'm not sure that's a good thing. The only thing this movie had going for it was its theme song. No, the song wasn't that great. But it contains the line, "When you're not dreaming, your forehead is screaming that we're all from outer space." Catchy, huh?

If you're looking for something that you won't have to think about, something really stupid just to pass the time, then Trail of the Screaming Forehead is the movie for you. If you're looking for something good, then you should probably skip it.

#171 -- Critters (1986)

Director: Stephen Herek
Rating: 4 / 5

Somewhere in outer space, a group of alien creatures called Crites escaped from an asteroid prison, and two alien bounty hunters were sent to Earth to obtain the creatures. The bounty hunters were able to transform into any person they saw. One of them transformed into a famous rock star, and the other couldn't quite make up his mind, so he kept transforming into different people in a small town in Kansas. In this town there lived a nice family by the name of Brown. They were a normal happy family: Helen, Jay, and their two children April and Brad. The Crites, or Critters, landed on their farm and started to eat everything in sight. They ate the cows, the chickens, and pretty much all the pillows in the house. For some unknown reason, they left Chewy the cat alone. They had rows of razor sharp teeth, as well as poisonous quills that could render a person unconscious, and it seemed like they could temporarily paralyze too. The town drunk, Charlie, who always claimed he could hear aliens through his fillings, was the only one who really believed there were aliens around, though. That didn't last very long, of course. The Browns were attacked by the creatures several times, and April's boyfriend Steve (Billy Zane) was actually killed by one. They eventually boarded themselves in their home, while Brad went out for help. He met up with the two bounty hunters, led them back to his house, and they began to destroy the place trying to kill the Critters. But with a well placed molotov cocktail, they were able to at least buy themselves some time. I'm positive the Critters were in prison for being evil, and they probably caused some serious destruction back on their own planet. I'm not sure, though, what their motive was. Probably just hunger, right? Evil, killer Critters don't really need a motive, I guess. They just are. After a while, they started growing. I guess the more they ate, the bigger they got. They started off the size of small cats, and one ended up just about the same size as the people they were trying to eat. Another interesting fact about Critters: they didn't walk; they rolled, which was kind of weird. They spoke in their own little language, and they were all potty mouths.

This is your typical weird '80s movie. It didn't have any of that typical cheese I love, though. That wasn't a bad thing, because this one came off serious to me, even though it was about hungry little alien things. I don't think it was trying to be silly, which is a little strange for a movie made in that decade. Again, not a bad thing. It's just weird enough to make me like it, though. I remember watching these movies as a kid, and I always thought those little critters were creepy. I was never scared of them, but I did like them. I still like them, and I would definitely recommend this movie. It's entertaining, interesting, weird, and great.

#136 -- "A" Challenge: Alligator X (2010)

Director: Amir Valinia
Rating: 3/5

They thought it was extinct. They were wrong. Actually, they were right; it was extinct. But thanks to Charles, a scientist/teacher/complete psycho, it is not extinct anymore. Charles was actually fired from his teaching job at a university for trying to bring back an extinct species of tiger. So, under the table of course, he decided to switch to dinosaurs (or, if you want to be technical about it, prehistoric aquatic reptiles). So, in the swamplands of Louisiana, the townsfolk are being abducted and fed to a really hungry monster in the swamp. Charles successfully re-animated the creature using fossils, and he hired two redneck brothers to capture and kill people from around the town. Alligator X is female, and Charles did manage to impregnate her. So his whole deal is to get her into a different sort of aquatic environment so that her offspring will be able to survive. The perfect environment is along a man named Pappy's property, and it is the perfect mixture of fresh and saltwater. The only problem is that he had Pappy killed. Pappy's daughter Laura, who happens to be Charles' ex-wife, is the only person who can sign over the deed to the property. She signs it over in exchange for her life, and the life of a tourist and a police officer. The bad guys continue to try to lure Alligator X over to Pappy's property, and they do succeed...but not without losing a few lives. I'm not sure why Charles wanted to do this, to bring several very dangerous predatory creatures into his hometown, but I guess psychos will be psychos. It was probably for the advancement of science. The ability to reanimate an extinct species, especially one that lived 160 million years ago, would surely get him some recognition, right? Along with his stay in the loony bin, of course. Personally, I would love to see one of these babies hop out of the lake by my house. Wouldn't it be amazing to see something that monstrously huge? I think so, and I guess Charles did too, so I kind of see his point here.

A lot of people really hate this movie because of the bad CGI, but I think it was pretty good. It wasn't hollywood standard, but who gives a shit? It definitely wasn't the worst I've ever seen. It also starred Lochlyn Munro, who I always enjoy. I believe that Alligator X was supposed to be a liopleurodon (which is actually the prehistoric ancestor of the crocodile or alligator, I can't remember which), though they refer to her as a pliosaur. First of all, I have to say that I LOVE liopleurodons (and no, not because of Charlie the unicorn, but because of watching Prehistoric Planet), so I was really excited to see something like this. The only problem I had was that she didn't seem big enough. Liopleurodons are around 10 meters long, and their jaws alone would make two of me (ten feet). They could swallow a school bus whole. They ate dinosaurs, for Pete's sake. I would have thought she would have been bigger, but maybe that's just me. I'm not saying she wasn't big; she was definitely huge. But I would have liked to have seen something really, really huge. Overall, I enjoyed it because I enjoy liopleurodons. The acting of some people could have been better, but I really don't care about things like that. So, if you're a dinosaur (or prehistoric reptile) lover like me, you should enjoy this one as well. I just wonder how in the hell something that big could live comfortably in a swamp.

#110 -- Piranhaconda (2011)

Director: Jim Wynorski
Rating: 3/5

With a name like Pihranaconda, you should go into this knowing exactly what to expect. If you're picky and you want nothing but top-notch horror, don't even bother with this one. But if you put away your critic hat and sit back and relax, you just might enjoy this. It starts off with a herpetology professor from the University of Hawaii and his two assistants landing in the jungle. Professor is in search of some rare eggs that he has been hunting for twenty-some years. He's extremely excited when he finally finds them; he loads one up into a plastic container while his female colleague video-tapes it. The male colleague is mesmerized by the beautiful waterfall, so he is the first to witness the river-demon when she emerges to regain what is rightfully hers. After killing the two colleagues, she heads out to find the escaped professor, meanwhile coming across their helicopter pilot; she uncoils and grabs him--helicopter and all--from the sky. The professor runs wild through the jungle, until he meets up with a bunch of thugs who kidnap him and plan to keep him for a ransom.

Meanwhile, a film crew is busy making a horror movie called Headchopper, in which bikini-clad girls are hunted through the forest by a mask-wearing psycho. Their film is shortly shut down, and they head off to the hotel to relax. They'll soon learn, though, that a cancelled film is the least of their worries. They are also kidnapped by the group of thugs, in hopes that their rich studio will pay heaps of money to see to their safety (though they are a low budget film crew, and their studio doesn't give two shits about them).



That's when they finally meet the Piranhaconda. The good professor had been trying to warn them but, of course, everyone just thought he was, quote, "Cuckoo for psycho puffs." When they finally see the river demon with their own eyes, they start to look to the professor for answers. There's a double threat with this one: thugs who will kill them if they don't get their money, and a demon snakefish who just wants to eat them.

Overall, this movie is pretty bad. The acting is bad, the effects are bad, the script is bad (though seriously funny at some parts). But it's definitely entertaining. The pihranaconda is awesome! I love giant animals, so this one was a treat for me. What it is is a giant snake with a piranha-like head. It can crush its victims, swallow them whole, or rip them apart with its mouth full of razor sharp teeth.

If you're even considering watching this movie (you'll find it on the Sci-Fi channel), there's something you should understand about creature features: they're silly. They don't try to be serious. They're there to entertain, test our imaginations, and stretch reality a bit. It might be braindead entertainment, but it's still entertainment. So if you're not into lame movies, you should stay away from Piranhaconda (even if you do like lame movies you should stay away from Piranhaconda, 'cause that bitch'll eat you faster than you can say, "No please don't!")--or creature features in general. I was entertained, you might be too.