#297 -- Stag Night (2008)

Director: Peter A. Dowling
Rating: 3.5 / 5

It's weird. When it comes to watching movies On Demand, when I pick them, they usually turn out to be duds. But when my boyfriend chooses one, they're always good. Maybe I should let him choose them more often. Anyways, the point is, he chose this one, and it's good.

It started off with a couple of guys attending a bachelor party getting kicked out of a club. I assume it's because of Tony, the groom-to-be's trouble making brother. He said he knew of another, better, club that they could go to, so they all loaded up on the subway to continue their partying. On the subway, they met a couple of girls. Tony tried hitting on one of the girls, but she wasn't into it, and kept telling him to get away from her. Being the drunken asshole that he was, he just wouldn't listen, and he ended up with a face full of pepper spray. In fact, I think everyone ended up with a face full of pepper spray. Either that or the fumes got to them, so they all got off the train to get away from the smell and to adjust their eyes. I'm not sure why they had to get off the train to do this, other than it being a crucial part of the story. The accidentally got off at a station that was closed down and gated up. The train left, and they were trapped with no way to get out. Instead of sitting around and waiting for another train --since it was about four in the morning -- some of them decided to try to walk, on the tracks, to the next station. Two of them, one of the guys and one of the girls, stayed behind to get it on and ended up getting more than they'd hoped for. Just when they were getting hot and heavy, a little kid showed up, took the girl's wallet and ran off. The guy chased after him, only to end up having a chunk bitten out of his hand.

Meanwhile, the others have reached another station, where they witness three Rob Zombie look-alikes chopping a police officer to pieces. Being the smart people that they are, they decided that they should probably run, but not before they made some noise, alerting the guys to their presence. Those three guys got back to the original terminal before they did, killed their two friends, and dragged them back to their underground home. By that time, the others had found said underground home, full of giant dogs and plenty of weapons. It was then that they realized what they were dealing with: cannibals. Trapped in the underground world of New York City, it seemed like there was no possible way for them to make it through the night alive.

It wasn't exactly a unique story, but it was good. It played out just as you'd expect. People got killed and eaten, and one person was able to take the cannibals down. The characters weren't really unique either, but then again, they never are in horror movies, so that's okay. What did make the movie unique was that, for one in this particular subgenre, there wasn't as much gore as you would expect. Oh, there was gore, don't get me wrong. People were getting their heads cut off, guts ripped out, and chunks bitten out of them. But it's not nearly as much as you'd expect from cannibals, at least usually. There wren't huge feasts, or the cannibals ripping into people like savages. Mostly, it was the chase that we saw. It was the friends trying to find their way out of the labyrinthine underground tunnels. Which is cool, I guess, but I don't think there was enough story to back up the lack of gore. There was a little bit of character development, but there wasn't enough story to the characters to make their interactions all that interesting. One of them was getting married, one of them had a kid, one was an asshole, and the other was just sort of there. With a little more story, I think the idea would have worked better. I do like that it focused more on the chase than the savagery of the cannibals, because it's different, but I don't think it worked quite as well as they had hoped. Either way, it's a pretty decent movie that'll have you engaged the entire time. Oh, and let's talk about some of the stars. There was Kip Pardue (Sunshine from Remember the Titans) as the groom-to-be, Breckin Meyer (Road Trip & Josie and the Pussycats) as Tony the asshole, and Vinessa Shaw (Hocus Pocus) as one of the girls. So there are definitely some familiar faces here. Overall, I think it was a good movie and not a waste of time.

#282 -- Cannibal! The Musical (1993)

Director: Trey Parker
Rating: 5 / 5

I honestly cannot believe that I have not yet reviewed this movie, since it's actually one of my favorites. Some might argue that this can't possibly be considered a horror movie, but I really don't care. I, personally, classify it as horror-comedy, as it contains elements of both genres. And it was released by Troma, which is known for its horror-comedy. Sure, it might lean more toward the comedy side of things, but it still has that tiny little element of horror.

Cannibal! The Musical is actually based on a true story. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: yeah right! I thought the same thing the first time I watched it and I saw that in the opening credits. I thought there was no way something so silly was based on truth. But do some research, and you'll find that it's true. It's the story of Alferd Packer, a man who was convicted of cannibalism in Colorado back in the 1800s. So, yes, it is based on fact; though I highly doubt the real Packer and his men ran around singing and dancing. That's just what makes the movie so much fun!

In this version of the story, Alferd Packer was a miner. He and all the other miners were having trouble finding anything, and they had heard about a place where the gold was plentiful. So they set out to Breckenridge to mine for gold and become rich...or die trying. The group of men enlisted Packer as their guide, since he said that he had been there before. But, unfortunately, he didn't know quite as much as he led on, and the group got lost. They remained lost for a long time, forced to live out in the snow with no way out and nothing to eat. When one of the party was killed (shot in the head for singing a song about a snowman one too many times), they figured they could eat him to last at least a little bit longer. But before the end, one of the party went crazy and decided to try to eat everyone else. Since Packer was the only survivor of the group, he was prosecuted for the murders, and he was almost hanged. If not for a pretty young reporter who had a soft spot for Packer, he might have been dead meat.

Trey and Matt; or Alferd and Humphrey

So that's the basic run-down of the movie, but there's so much more to it than that. The group--which consists of Alfred Packer (Trey Parker), James Humphrey (Matt Stone), George Noon (Dian Bachar), Shannon Bell (Ian Hardin), Isreal Swan (Jon Hegel), and Frank Miller (Jason McHugh)--meets some very interesting characters on their way to Breckenridge. They met a cyclops, which was a big 'ol man with a missing eye that squirted some icky juice at them. They met a group of trappers who were real assholes. They met a tribe of Japanese Indians (complete with Teepees), and a weird prophet sort of guy like Crazy Ralph in Friday the 13th ("You're all doomed!") The miners themselves were a colorful bunch. Alferd was kind of weird, and you could tell he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. Humphrey was even duller than Alferd, but he was hilarious. Whenever someone made him mad, his best comeback was, "Nice hat!" Swan was the annoyingly optimistic one of the bunch, which I guess is why he got his brains splattered all over the snow. Miller was the pessimist of the group and liked to sulk the entire time, and Bell was a preacher who seemed fairly normal most of the time.

The songs in Cannibal! The Musical are witty and catchy as hell. "Let's Build a Snowman" is the song that Swan sings, which encourages the others to look past the awful situation they're in and try to have some fun. "When I Was on Top of You" is a sad song about Packer's lost horse Liane. The song sounds awfully perverted, though you know it's about a horse...which just makes it even funnier. The Trappers' song is awful from a vegetarian's point of view, but even I have to admit that it's funny. "Shpadoinkle" is a song about how wonderful, beautiful, and "shpadoinkle" the day is...before they get lost and almost starve to death, that is.

The first time I saw it, I was kind of skeptical. I wasn't really sure what it was all about, or just how stupid it would be. Believe me, it's pretty silly, but it's so amazing you won't even believe it. And it's not even wonderful in that "so bad it's good" sort of way. Yeah, it's silly, but it's meant to be. These guys knew exactly what they were doing, and they know a thing or two about being funny. At the end of the day, you might think it's stupid. But really it's just a genuinely funny movie that succeeds on all levels. When I first saw it, I loved it. It instantly became one of my favorite movies, but there are some other reasons why I absolutely love this movie--not because of what kind of movie it is, or how good it is, but for what it did for me and the other things it introduced me to.

Alferd chowing down on Bell's throat in a scene that represents what everyone thought happened on those mountains.

1 - This is the first Troma movie I ever saw. I don't even remember how I came across it, but up until that point, I'd never even heard of Troma before. Once I saw this, I decided to check out what else the company had to offer, and it also introduced me to quite a few of my other favorite movies. I wouldn't know a thing about Toxie if not for Cannibal! And for that, I give it my sincerest thanks.

2 - It introduced me to South Park. If you're good with names, you'll realize that Trey Parker and Matt Stone (the biggest players in Cannibal!) are also the wonderfully weird and creative minds behind one of the greatest comedy shows ever made. I knew about South Park before I saw this movie, but I'd never watched it. Once I saw Cannibal! and realized who these guys were, I figured it deserved a chance. It became one of my favorite TV shows. You can even see glimpses of South Park throughout the movie, like Matt Stone doing Kyle's voice sometimes, and Trey sounding an awful lot like Cartman. There's even a scene where Humphrey takes his hat off, and there's this giant red afro underneath. It looks a lot like Kyle's picture day episode, where he too reveals his giant red jew-fro.

3 - It introduced me to the comedic genius of Trey and Matt. Again, I knew nothing of these guys up until this point. They made this movie while they were in college, so this was pretty much the beginning for them, and it only got better from there. Aside from South Park and the several Troma movies I grew to love after this, it also introduced me to some others, like BASEketball and Orgazmo, two of the greatest comedy movies ever, in my opinion.

4 - It's fucking awesome. That's the bottom line, and that's all you need to know. If you're a fan of seriously weird shit, you'll love it. It's kind of got the same basic feel of Poultrygeist (also from Troma, and also one of my favorite movies). It puts some comedy in something that's usually not funny at all, adds some fun songs and dance numbers, and creates one hell of a funny movie. Chickens, zombies, and musicals. That's what drew me to Poultrygeist. Cannibals and musicals...that's what drew me here. I was intrigued, though hesitant, and I'm so freaking glad that I gave it a chance. You should too. Even if you don't think it's extremely hilarious and awesome, you'll get something out of it. If you're a fan of Troma, you know where I'm coming from. Lloyd Kaufman, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone. That is a comedy team that could beat out all the rest.

#276 -- Hard Ride to Hell (2010)

Director: Penelope Buitenhuis
Rating: 2 / 5

I guess if you read the synopsis of Hard Ride to Hell, it sounds pretty interesting. Sort of. But the main thing for me was Katharine Isabelle. I've always loved her, and I love seeing her in whatever I can. It's an okay story, with okay characters and actors. It's safe to say that everything about it was just so-so. It wasn't all that bad, and it did keep me intrigued, but somehow it failed to completely impress me.

It starts off as any typical horror movie does: a group of friends taking a camping trip in their RV. They're on their way to do something for Habitat for Humanity, though it's never really clear exactly what it is. A couple of them have a little sob story going for them, making it kind of easy for us to care about them. They stop at some campground (which is actually just an open field with a sign that says "campground.") to have some rest before the rest of their journey. When one of them gets drunk, can't wait for his girlfriend to get out of the bathroom and decides to go take a piss in the woods, things turn sour. He meets up with a snake, almost pisses himself again and starts running for his life. He, of course, gets lost. He ends up finding a group of bikers in the midst of some sacrificial ritual. He starts recording it on his phone, and then his worried friends try to contact him via the walkie talkie he forgot he had. The bikers hear it, and they go after them. From there, their little camping trip turns into a nightmare.

It turns out that the leader of this biker gang is an immortal satanist who used to be a priest. He's been going at it for at least seventy years, we know, maybe longer. He's trying to find a woman who can carry his child, which is conceived by fire or something. That baby will also be the anti-christ. When he meets Tessa, the woman who recently had a miscarriage and will do anything to have a child, he thinks that she might be the one. He impregnates her, and like, three hours later, the anti-christ is born.

The movie consists mostly of people getting bitten (because the satanic bikers are also cannibals; that's apparently what you've got to do in order to become immortal by way of satanism), a bunch of knife fights, and some mumbo jumbo that no one understands. Most of the characters were impossible to care about (including Katharine Isabelle, I'm sad to say), and the part of Tessa was played by Laura Mennell. I've only seen her in Hell's Gate: 11:11, but I didn't really enjoy her all that much. Or that movie. Her part here was pretty much the same: dull, dull, dull. That was until she became impregnated by a demon seed. She turned a little creepy, and I liked that bit. But the knife fights were kind of weird, and there really wasn't all that much to it. I have to give it some props, though, because it didn't bore me at all. I was interested the entire time, but I honestly can't tell you why. In the end, I wasn't entirely impressed by the movie. The material was good, and I think it could have made a wonderful movie if it was gone about in the right way. I think they should have went the comical route, because that at least would have given it a more lasting impression.

Rating

Storyline - 7 points. It was okay, though not completely original. The introduction of the cannibal bikers made it into something I'd never seen, so I'll give it some points for that. But overall, it failed to leave a mark.

Characters - 4 points. I liked the two main characters, mostly because I felt bad for their situation. But they hardly ever even interacted with one another, so it was difficult to feel any love between them. And the other characters were only filler. I was disappointed, since they had one of my favorite actresses available, but they did nothing with her. Oh, and the bikers. Their leader, Jefe, was okay. But the rest were far too comical for a movie that was otherwise not comical at all. They looked like they belonged in a Troma movie, which didn't fit here.

Gore - 5 points. There were plenty of knife fights and cannibals biting chunks out of people, but there really wasn't all that much blood present. Shame.

Scariness - 1 point. The scenes after Tessa was impregnated and possessed might scare small children. Might. 

Cinematography - 5 points. It looked like someone had at least a little idea of what they were doing. It didn't look like a home movie, but it wasn't mind-blowing either. So-so, like everything else here.

Overall score - 22 / 50

#233 -- Parents (1989)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Bob Balaban

So, apparently this movie is considered a cult classic, and a lot of people really like it. I am not one of those people. When I found it on Netflix, I thought it would be pretty cool. It was set in the '50s, a decade I've always been particularly fond of. I love the way it's portrayed at least (because I personally don't know if things were really like that). I will say that the movie portrays the decade beautifully. The filming was great and the acting, besides one in my opinion, was wonderful. It was very colorful and aesthetically pleasing; but the problem was that it was extremely boring.

It's about a ten year old boy named Michael. He just moved to a new town (I'm assuming so that his parents could escape suspicion). He made a new little girlfriend who seemed way to sexual for her age. He suspected that his parents were cannibals. I'm  not sure what caused his suspicion, because they never did anything to raise such a suspicion, except for the fact that they ate a lot of meat. But who cares? Some people really love meat. Michael was a boring kid, and he never did much of anything. He was just kind of...there. It might have been better if he'd at least been interesting.

When I paused the movie for a bathroom break, it was at the one-hour mark, and I realized that absolutely nothing had happened for a whole hour. So we followed a boring kid and his seemingly normal parents for an hour while they did nothing. We pretty much watched his parents eat dinner, while Michael refused to do so. He did have a couple of somewhat creepy nightmares, but it wasn't enough to make up for being horrible. Michael drew some awful pictures in school, which got him sent to the school counselor. He told her of his suspicions, and she followed him to his house, where she founds some dead bodies in the basement. Once his parents found out that Michael knew their secret, they tried to kill him. He ended up living with his grandparents, who may or may not have been cannibals as well.

So, nothing happened until there was about twenty minutes left of the movie. I remember wishing that it would just hurry up and end already, and that's never a good sign. It's not good when a movie feels like a chore to watch. So I loved the scenery and the way the movie was filmed, but the movie itself was tiring and hard to watch. It was impossible for me to enjoy.

This is a short review, because there's not much to say about a movie where nothing happens. But like I said, some people really enjoy this movie; maybe you will too. Personally, I hated it. They took an interesting story and dragged it out so much that it became boring and painful. Shame.

#175 -- Nightmare Alley (2010)

Rating: 2 / 5
Director: Scarlet Fry

I had been eyeballing this one on Netflix for some time, though now I can't really come up with an excuse as to why I was interested in it. Just wishful thinking, I guess. It seems like I always assume a movie will be good, until I watch it and discover that it's complete garbage. Nightmare Alley is an anthology movie, which I usually love. Anthologies are easy to keep up with and stay interested in because the story is constantly changing. Usually there's a couple of individual stories and then one big wrap-around, and I haven't yet found one that I completely hated. Well, that is, until now. This one has no wrap-around, save from a Cryptkeeper wannabe "host" character who was really horrible. The mask or make-up that the actor was wearing restricted his speaking, his voice sounded muffled, and his lips barely moved--so I wasn't sure if it was actually him talking, or if there was some kind of weird voice-over going on. It was distracting and annoying, and there wasn't any point for his being there anyway. He just gave a brief synopsis of each story, which I could have figured out for myself, thank you.

There were actually quite a few stories in this one--seven, I think--and all of them were pointless. The characters were horribly bland and developed poorly. The actors were terrible, and the editing was bad. The sound was scratchy and jumpy, and it honestly made me think of a high school computer class project. There was no atmosphere, mood, or any sort of creepiness factor. There was nothing scary, funny, endearing, dramatic, sad...I could go on and on. There was just...nothing. The movie wasn't very long, and since there were so many different stories, I understand why everything was so sloppy and rushed. I understand, but that doesn't make it okay. If your stories are going to be short, you better have some serious talent or the viewer is going to be severely disappointed. There were a couple of the stories I thought had a little potential, so I'll focus on those rather than all seven.

In one, a man buys a little rubber rat from a dollar store. The lady at the counter tells him it's dangerous, it will possess his soul, and sends him on his way. The rat talks to him, instructing him to kill young women so that the rat can feed on their souls. Everything takes a turn for the worse for the man, though, when he picks up a hitch-hiker who takes no shit. In another, a cheating husband meets up with a woman he met online, only to be viciously murdered. That woman turns out to be the ghost of a woman who killed her cheating husband before taking her own life. And the last on my list is about a woman who murdered her angry husband and then fed him to her new lover. It said that he was fed the dead man's remains for six weeks, before he was found wandering the streets in a speedo. Now, I said those stories had potential, which they did. The stories were kind of interesting, and with a little better development, and a longer running time, they could have been good. Sadly, they were not good. They were still horrible, but they were the best in the bunch. The rest were completely pointless and could have been cut out completely, in my opinion.

I rarely feel that I've wasted my time with movies that I watch, because I feel that they all deserve my time. I do want to see every horror movie ever made, after all. But I was actually a bit angry after watching this, because it was a complete waste of time. These "stories" were more like sketches than anything, and all it succeeded in doing was making me wish it was over already. Director Scarlet Fry is associated with another movie I've been interested in, but now I'm kind of hesitant of that one too. My advice: skip this one, please.

#128 -- Masters of Horror: Jenifer (2005)

Director: Dario Argento
Rating: 4/5

May contain spoilers.
In this episode of Masters of Horror, we meet Jenifer, a strange but somehow lovely young lady. We first meet her when a police officer, Frank (that guy from "Wings"; I can never remember his name), saves her from being butchered by a homeless man. Her face is deformed, but she is otherwise quite attractive (what we call a butter-face). She can't speak or communicate in any way and, since the police force believes her to be mentally handicapped, she is sent to a mental facility. But Frank doesn't like it, because he sees her as merely a victim. So he has her released from the facility and takes her home. His wife isn't happy about it, especially after a brutal make-out session with Jenifer, and she leaves him. But Jenifer is quite the little seductress, and Frank absolutely cannot resist her. After being raped by her in his car, they begin a strange little love affair. I guess you could possibly put this in the torture porn category, because it features sex that is so disturbing that it's hot (for me at least, but maybe I'm just a freak). Frank soon realizes that Jenifer isn't just a helpless little victim. She starts off by eating his pet cat, and then escalates to the little girl next door. Having had enough, Frank hires a carny to kill her; but that man ends up stuffed in Frank's refrigerator. Instead of going to his colleagues, the police, he buries the bodies and goes on the run with Jenifer. They end up in a shack out in the woods. He gets a job at a local grocery store, leaving Jenifer alone to eat some more people. Again, Frank's had enough. So he takes her outside, ties her to a tree, and plans to behead her. He's thwarted by a local hunter, who kills Frank and starts the cycle all over again.

Yeah, there are plot holes in this. Or at least, things that make the story a little bit silly. A police officer refusing to go to the police after folks are murdered in his house, for instance. And why doesn't Frank kill her in the seclusion of their little shack, instead of outside where he's sure to be stopped? It seems to be a never-ending cycle, with Jenifer simply finding new men to seduce into keeping her dirty little secret. Some parts of it are silly, yes, but I don't care. It was entertaining, and that's all I'm worried about. So what is Jenifer exactly? I wouldn't call her a zombie, because she seems very much alive to me. I don't think she was just a crazy person either. The most likely explanation to me seems that she's one of those "hillbilly" types. Born of incest and forced to live in solitude, she (and perhaps her unknown family?) was forced to resort to cannibalism. Of course, she could've have been a cannibalistic mutant from outer space. Only the writers know the answer, but one thing's for sure. Don't mess with girls named Jenifer. I haven't yet found an episode of MoH that I absolutely didn't like. There have been episodes that I liked more than others, but overall I'm a huge fan and they never disappoint.

#98 -- Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (2009)

Director: Declan O'Brien
Rating: 3/5

A couple of cops are transporting a group of prisoners. Since they suspect that a breakout attempt will take place, they decide to take a route they normally wouldn't take - a very secluded route. It's no shock that it turns out to be a very bad idea. A tow-truck runs them off the road, their truck is destroyed, and in a turn of events the prisoners wind up in control of the police officers. I don't understand why someone would create a movie where the majority of the cast is asshole prisoners, because we do not feel for them at all. We WANT them to get butchered. But maybe that is the point exactly; at least we're feeling something for them.

The story seems to focus more on the relationship between the prisoners and the policeman (and a woman they found running through the woods), rather than the inbred hillbillies that are trying to eat them. We're more afraid that the head asshole will shoot everyone than we are of Mr. Backwoods cooking them up in some oppossum stew. It turns out that their group is actually is the biggest problem they have because, even if they escape the clutches of the crazy cannibal, they still will have to deal with the evil Senor Douchebag. But all is - kind of - well in the end. Or at least that's what I'm going to tell you, because I don't want to ruin anything for you.



I liked this pretty much just because of the gore. There were some pretty fucking sweet kills in this one, but the story just didn't impress me much. I would like to see more of the hillbillies, and less of assholes I don't give two shits about. And when a movie falls into a series, it is destined to be compared to earlier entries. This one falls short, unfortunately. What's good about the Wrong Turn series, though, is that they somewhat act as individual movies, so you don't exactly have to watch them all in order to get the jist of what's going on. Overall, I liked it but I didn't love it. The gore was awesome, though.

#72 -- 2001 Maniacs (2005)

Director: Tim Sullivan

Rating: 3 / 5

"You ARE what they eat." I think that somewhat adequately depicts the humor in this movie. When a group of college kids sets off to Florida for spring break, a detour lands them in a little tiny town in Georgia - a town full of insane cannibal hillbillies (there's actually a character called Hucklebilly). Seeing movies like this, I can understand why a lot of northerners might think horrible things about us down in the south. These hillbillies have some sort of festival coming up called the Guts and Glory Jubilee. The group slowly starts diminishing, as they are killed and eaten by the town. 

Robert Englund stars as the mayor of this town, called Pleasant Valley. His son is - no surprise here - a sheep fucking lunatic. He doesn't really have a big part in the movie, other than running around chasing sheep with his pants around his ankles. But he is easily one of the funniest characters in the whole movie. The humor is an acquired taste. It is very racist, homophobic, and whatever else you can think of. So if you don't have a really open sense of humor, you should probably steer clear of this movie. But otherwise, I think most everyone should enjoy this. It's cheesy, funny, and pretty damn gory. One man even has a gigantic spear shoved into his ass. Oh, and Kane Hodder also had a cameo, as one of the said insane cannibal rednecks. So that was exciting. Check this one out, but listen to me when I say: I promise you we're not all like that down here. 

#29 -- Dismal (2009)

Director: Gary King

Rating: 2 / 5

First things first: I don't want you to think this is the worst movie in the world, because it's not. I've definitely seen worse. It's all right, for what it is, I suppose. If you want to sit through approximately an hour and a half of practically nothing, dozing in and out of sleep, then by all means rent this movie. It's really not that horrible; it's just boring as hell.

They will reel you in, because the first two kills happen very quickly. It will give you hope that - hey!- maybe this won't be so bad. There are two hillbillies hunting for alligators. One shoots the alligator and gets into the swampy water to retrieve it. But the alligator is gone. The man is then pulled under the water, and he doesn't come back up. His friend is looking around, calling his name, and then he is snatched under as well.

Cut to a girl in college, Dana, studying who-knows-what. She's trying to dissect a dead snake, but she just can't do it. Her teaching assistant, Curt, helps her out. She tells him that the thought of cutting something - anything - makes her physically sick. She's failing his class, and he tells her that he is conducting an extra credit field trip (to the swamp). She wants to go, but her controlling asshole of a boyfriend tells her she can't - because he's jealous of Curt. Trust me, from the first moment you meet him, you will be HOPING the cannibals get him. She, of course, goes on the field trip anyway. She is our main character, after all, and it wouldn't be much of a movie if she didn't go along. Well, it wasn't much of a movie anyway, but you get my point.

Going along on the trip are Shelly (the cute, sweet blonde), Gary (the boy who loves her), Jamal & Eve (horny kids who actually could care less about extra credit; Eve is apparently a hooker), and of course Curt. 

It doesn't take much to figure out who gets it first. Jamal and Eve are making boom boom out in the woods, and the killer hooks Jamal in the face. Eve runs and steps in a bear trap, dismembering her foot. She keeps hobbling along, and...steps in another bear trap, dismembering her other foot. She then falls down, and...lands in yet ANOTHER bear trap, decapitating her. This is, most definitely, the best part of the entire movie. It was awesome, for me; sucked for poor Eve. Curt and the others hear a scream, and wake up to realize that the others are missing. He and Gary to to find them, while the girls keep watch at the tents. Curt gets clubbed in the face, and Gary runs. He gets the girls and they run. But they don't make it very far. 

They get back to their car, only to find that the tires are stuck in the mud. Thankfully, Dana has brought the radio, and she calls for help. The ranger shows up to help, or so they think. He kidnaps them and chains them up in his shack. 

His assistant (the one who's been killing so far) is a big dummy and hardly scary when shown in the light. They decide to eat Gary for dinner. Dale (the ranger) decides he wants to rape Dana. Shelly has been unconscious through most of this part. When she wakes up and they're having dinner, Dana tells her not to eat it. Dale gets angry at Shelly because she won't eat the dinner he's prepared for her. So he takes her outside, gives her a pitchfork, and tells her to find something better. She's killed by a booby trap: a big knife that cuts her in half. Dale and Big Dummy leave, and Dana gets out of her restraints. 

She finds Curt in another room, alive. But he will not let her leave. When Dale and Big Dummy return, we find out that Curt is Dale's son, and definitely not to be trusted. This is actually not that big of a surprise. It's made painfully obvious by the way he acted around the kids. I think the film-makers were trying to disguise it as "he has a crush on Dana." It worked for maybe ten minutes, and then it just got suspicious. Dana finds her boyfriend, who has followed her using the GPS on her phone; he is dead (Yay!). There's a scuffle with Curt, and Dana cuts him up. Yes, she said she would NEVER be able to cut anything. But the fact that she said that just tells that she will, in fact, cut something before the movie is over. She does this while laughing, and I think that was the scariest part of the whole movie. 

It sounds good on paper, but it just wasn't executed very well. It was slow; it took way too long for anything good to happen. And as I said in the beginning, I found it hard to stay awake. My real advice to you would be to look on Youtube for a clip of Eve falling on the bear traps, because that's the only thing this movie's got going for it. And I would not advise you to sit through the whole thing just to see that one little good part. Please, learn from my mistakes.

#24 -- Offspring (2009)

Director: Andrew van den Houten

Rating: 3 / 5

I don't know much about Jack Ketchum, but from the two of his books I've read (one being Offspring), I know that I'm a fan. I was excited to see this film because I know, at least partially, how Ketchum writes, and I expected it to be disturbing, gruesome and wonderful. On the first two, I was right. Ketchum himself wrote the screenplay for this adaptation, and I honestly have no clue what went wrong. 

We start off with a highly intoxicated woman arriving (or, more suitably, stumbling) at her house cursing the babysitter for leaving the lights on. When she stumbles into the kitchen, she falls down and notices blood on the floor. After she searches around for the source (which is right in front of her face), she finds the babysitter and her infant child brutally murdered. And the killers - a group of children - are waiting for her. She begins screaming, and is immediately taken care of.

The police that get involved call on a retired officer, because he's been through this before and he knows exactly what has happened. They begin searching, to no avail, through the surrounding woods to locate the family of cannibals. The cannibals are descendants of a man who disappeared in the 1800s and have been living in the wild. The "queen" of the cannibals believes that the ghost of the baby they killed is angry because its spirit is trapped, and that it is cursing them. She decides that they must get a new baby and drain it of its life (the blood) to set the spirit free. 

They go hunting. They beat one of their family members to a bloody pulp and send her to a house nearby. She slams against the door screaming as if she is in trouble, and the man of the house lets her in and tries to help. She attacks and begins eating him, while the rest of the cannibals invade the house and take the man's wife prisoner. Their house guest grabs her son and the couples' baby daughter and flees through the window. They hide in a treehouse out in the woods for a while, but the woman eventually decides that they better leave and try to get help for her friend. They meet up with a male cannibal, the young boy runs (with the baby girl in his arms), and his mother is taken hostage. 

And this is about the end of the excitement, if I can call it that. The rest is basically the little boy searching for his mom (he's left the baby in the treehouse), the police searching for the cannibals, and the two women being tied up in a cave. 

I must say, though, that the "queen cannibal" actually is quite frightening. The cannibals have their own primitive language, and the woman's guttural growls and commands are chill-inducing. The cannibal children, while not quite frightening, are a bit creepy. Seeing children laughing while stabbing and/or eating another human being is disturbing in itself. 

The gore in this one was adequate, but not quite unique. But, for a gore-whore like myself, it was quite entertaining. Which is the sole reason that I give this film three stars. If you're looking for disturbing images of children being murdered and murdering others, and plenty of body parts and organs being strewn about and chewed down, then you should check it out. If you're a Ketchum fan, check it out, though I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. If you're looking for a decent adaptation of a Ketchum novel, you might want to check out The Girl Next Door instead. 

This wasn't great, and I probably won't remember anything about it in a couple of months, but it's definitely not the worst film I've ever seen. But proceed with caution, and weak stomachs beware.