#22 -- Thankskilling (2009)

Director: Jordan Downey

Rating: 2 / 5

I had such high hopes for this one. I think I've made it obvious in previous posts that I'm a sucker for bad horror movies. I always say, "The stupider, the better." But not in this case. Sadly, my hopes were crushed. The movie was actually made quite well. The filming and effects were pretty good for a low budget film. The acting wasn't great (except that of the turkey, who completely stole the show), but it never really is in these types of movies. I didn't expect much, but I did expect for it to entertain me at least.

It starts off in the year 1326, or something like that. We see a pilgrim woman with her boobs flopping around. She's running, scared for her life. She trips over a rock, and Turkey is waiting for her. "Nice tits, bitch!" he says, and then tomahawks her to death. 

Fastforward to the present, and a group of college kids are going home for Thanksgiving break. We have the jock (Johnny), the redneck (Billy, of course), the nerd (Darren), the sweet girl (Kristin), and the dumb whore (Ally). On the way home, their car overheats and they decide to camp out in the woods for the night. Darren tells the others the story about the killer turkey. A long, long time ago there was a Native American whose people had been dishonored by the white man. He then put a terrible curse on them for revenge, and "necromanced" a turkey who would return every five hundred and five years to kill. 

The turkey's first victim is a beautiful Collie dog. The dog finds some kind of tiki relic and pisses on it. This makes the turkey angry. He emerges from the ground - "I'm pissed! - and kills the dog. The dog belongs to a forest-dwelling hillbilly, and that hillbilly is now seeking revenge.

They return to Kristin's house to search for a book that might explain how to kill the turkey. The turkey was already there and has killed her father. But the turkey answers the door, wearing daddy's face as a mask. And, I'm not kidding - she actually believes it's her father. And the viewer is left wondering if these kids could possibly be any dumber. The turkey even says, "You kids are retarded." Anyways, they find the book. It is written in some kind of mathematical code, but luckily they have the token nerd with them to decipher it. He learns that they must burn the turkey at the stake, and recite some kind of demonic prayer - backwards, of course. They find the turkey's teepee (yes, teepee) and recite the prayer. This is supposed to have relieved him of his invincibility. They are ready to burn him, and he runs away. But who is waiting outside the teepee? Well, none other than Hermit, the forest-dwelling hillbilly. He shoots the turkey with his shotgun and blows him into a garbage can. 

They assume this is the end of things. But we all know what assuming does...It turns out that the garbage can was filled with radioactive chemicals. And we all know that radioactive chemicals in horror movies usually spell disaster. 

The kills were decent, and the gore - again - good for this kind of movie. Ally is raped by the turkey (as we all know, turkeys will screw anything). Johnny's parents are sliced and diced. Billy gets hungry and eats a holographic turkey - he then starts feeling sick, and our killer Turkey emerges from his stomach screeching, "Gobble gobble, motherfucker!" Darren who, all this time, just wanted to get laid, ends up frenching the turkey. It probably wasn't what he had in mind for a good time but, hey! Beggars can't be choosers. His heart is then pecked out of his chest. Johnny is eventually killed by an electric carver. 

Kristin finally gets the message. The book said to burn the turkey, not shoot him. They should have seen this to begin with, but...ah well, they're retarded. So she lights him on fire using a lighter and a can of spray paint. She then punts him in the head, saying "Peck on someone your own size," and he lands in a bundle of sticks. She stands before the flames eating what I assume was meant to be a turkey leg. 

It really wasn't all that bad. It was well done, and it did actually have some funny parts. But not enough, in my humble opinion. I was sadly disappointed. I had wanted to see this for quite some time, and it just didn't live up to what I had envisioned. I guess it just didn't do it for me. But, who knows? You might like it. It seems that Thankskilling has somewhat of a fan base, so it can't be all that bad, right? Just give it a try and see what you think.

#21 -- Someone's Knocking At the Door (2009)

Director: Chad Ferrin

Rating: 3 / 5

Sometimes, a movie will have a tagline that leads you to believe the film is disgusting or extremely scary. But when you watch the movie, you find out that it's just the opposite. But trust me when I say...This movie's tagline reads The most depraved film of the 21st century - and it doesn't lie. I would like to throw a warning out there before I continue on - if you are easily offended or have a weak stomach steer clear of this movie. I'm sure some out there would argue that this film is extremely mentally disturbing (they would be right) and that no such film should have been allowed to be created. I don't know about that last part, because what people can't seem to figure out is that it's JUST A MOVIE. These things are not happening; these people are actors and they are simply trying to tell you a story. It is disgusting; it is disturbing, yes. But if you actually watch the entire film, you'll realize that it actually has a good moral message.

It opens up on a man (Ray) shooting some kind of drug into his arm. There is a knock at the door. When he opens the door, a naked woman stands before him. He asks if he knows her, and she jumps on him. She says, "I'm gonna fuck you 'till you die." After they've gone on for a couple of minutes, he realizes that something isn't right and turns to look at the girl again. It is no longer a girl, but a man with a hideous face. The man bites his tongue off, and...it turns out that this demon-man is extremely well-endowed. But instead of using his gift for pleasure, he uses it for evil. It is his weapon of choice.

The man and woman are serial murderers, somehow returned (I assume from the grave) from the 1970s. They are Wilma and John Hopper. They begin taking out a group of medical students one by one, raping and murdering each of them. Justin is having visions of Ray, postmortem. He sees him in different places and he can't shake the visions - he eventually goes a little bit crazy. 

We see a flashback of all the students gathered in a hospital. They are going through research regarding the Hoppers. There is a recording which ultimately leads to the murder of the doctor studying them. The students find a drug that had been given to the Hoppers to treat them. All but one take it. 

Scenes in this one are a bit difficult to watch at times, because they are either a) really nasty or b) just downright wrong. A police officer is killed by John Hopper's "weapon" penetrating his head. All the way through, it seems. Another young man is raped (he thinks it's a girl with a strap-on, but eventually learns the truth). A woman's head is eaten by Wilma Hopper's lady-parts. It's gross and disturbing, and an acquired taste.

The "surprise ending" really isn't all that surprising (unexpected, but not shocking), but good nonetheless. I'm not opposed to giving it away, because it seems that not many people make to the end anyhow. Justin, his girlfriend, and another male student are at a hospital. Meg, Justin's girlfriend, was almost raped - not by John, but by the apparition of a police officer that John had killed. Another police officer is in the room with them, and Justin goes crazy. He wants to know why this man's partner tried to hurt Meg. The cop says that his partner was a good man, and Justin loses it. He shoots the police officer. He then shoots his friend Joe, saying, "Don't worry. It's not real." He sits on the bed with Meg, tells her he loves her, and then shoots himself. Cut to the room at the hospital where they were researching, and all of the students (except for the one who didn't take the drug, Meg) are lying on the floor. Dead. It is implied that the entire fiasco was hallucinatory in Justin's dying mind. 

At the end of the credits, we have our moral:

Speed kills

Slow down

It is an anti-drug movie, and I'm sure it works wonders. If I thought that any drug was going to make me hallucinate some freaky shit like that, I would have to say, "No, no, no." 

People seem to like this one for different reasons. I thought it was all right - not wonderful, but not terrible. I give it three stars because I AM a gore whore. While there weren't many gory scenes, the ones that were present were quite enough. It is definitely not for everyone, so viewers please be advised.

#20 -- Terror Tract (2000)

Directors: Lance W. Dreeson & Clint Hutchison
Rating: 3 / 5

John Ritter, one of my favorite actors, was my main reason for watching this movie. The synopsis is a bit vague, so when you read it you're not quite sure if you'd like to see it or not. But I'm glad I did, and I'm here to tell you it's good. It's a nice little anthology where real estate agent Bob (played by Ritter) is trying to sell a house to a young couple. Each house, though, has history - it's own dirty little secrets. And as the seller, it is his job to fill them in on the little secrets.

Nightmare

Sarah is cheating on her husband, Lewis and having an affair with Frank. Lewis leaves for the day and Frank comes over for a little fun. But their little fun is interrupted when a shotgun-toting Lewis returns. He has known about the little affair for quite some time and was waiting on the perfect moment. He creates a noose for his wife, after forcing her to write a breakup letter to Frank. He then holds the gun to Frank's face and tells them his plan. Sarah has broken up with Frank, but Frank cannot take no for an answer. So he returns to try again and Sarah, defending herself, shoots him. Then, so distraught after what she's done, hangs herself. The note will be a nice touch, Lewis thinks; the cops won't suspect a thing. But his plan goes awry when Frank shoots him in the back and tosses him into the lake. 

Sarah is tormented by what they've done, and she begins having nightmares of Lewis returning from the grave to kill her. While Frank is trying to hide the murder, Sarah is trying to avoid the nightmares. When they realize that Lewis's car is still around, they hurry to try to hide it. But there's one problem - Lewis had the keys with him. So, while Frank is back at the lake fetching the keys from the body, Sarah is still having nightmares. She hears the doorknob turning, the door shaking, and she grabs the shotgun from underneath the bed. As soon as the door opens, she shoots...Frank. Upset about what she's done, she hangs herself. So, Lewis's plan has come to life, except it's not exactly the way he'd planned it. When the cops arrive to investigate and collect the bodies, Sarah is covered in some sort of green slime. So, were they just nightmares? Or was Lewis really returning from the grave to torment his adulterous wife?

Naturally, the young couple is not interested in buying that house. So it's off to the next.

Bobo

Ron's daughter, Jennifer, is his whole world. But one day, when she finds a little monkey in a funny red suit, his whole world changes. Jennifer falls in love with the little critter, but Ron knows that something just isn't right. The monkey starts misbehaving - nothing out of the ordinary; just a wild animal being a wild animal - and Ron wants it out of his house. Jennifer will have none of it, though, and she starts hiding Bobo in her bedroom. When Ron finds their family dog dead, he takes action. He tells his wife and daughter to leave the house, and he contacts animal control. A big man agrees to come to the house with him and catch the monkey. Ron is burying the dog in the backyard when he realizes a lot of time has passed. He returns to the house to find animal control dead - at least ten kitchen knifes stuck into his chest and stomach. He believes that Bobo is the monkey from Hell, and I think he might have been right. When he finds his wife dead from a slit throat, he can take no more. 

He finds Bobo back in Jennifer's room, and after a brief battle with the little monster, traps it underneath Jennifer's bureau. He looks around for the shotgun and realizes that it is in his daughter's hands. He begs her to give it to him, and she does...We hear a gunshot, and we know that Jennifer has just murdered her father.

For the fear of demon monkeys, the couple does not with to buy this house either. So it's off to the next.

Come To Granny

Sean needs psychiatric help, because he sees dead people. Well, not exactly...There is a murderer on the loose called The Granny Killer. No, he doesn't kill grandmothers. He kills women, while wearing a granny mask. And Sean has premonitions of the murders before they happen. So he goes to see the psychiatrist for help, because he feels he needs to tell someone. He tells her about each of the premonitions and how they've come true. The last of the premonitions is the love of his life, and he has just come from finding her dismembered body. He reveals to the psychiatrist that he's not come for help - he's come to warn her. He's had another vision, and she is the next victim. The doctor becomes afraid, thinking that Sean is trying to kill her. There is a struggle and the doctor ends up stabbing him. He chases her through her office and pulls out a gun. She is frantically punching the elevator butting, trying to get away. And when the doors open - The Granny Killer is waiting for her. Sean tries to shoot, but falls to the ground before he can. "It's all right," The Granny Killer says. "Come to Granny!"

The couple, strangely, does not want this house either. They become annoyed with Bob and tell him that they don't want to buy any house from him. He becomes angry, because his numbers are down and he must sell a house. He then gets a phone call from his boss, telling him that his time is up. He puts Bob's son on the phone. The little boy is crying, begging his father to sell the house. So it seems that there are very serious consequences for poor performance. Bob stabs the young man and chases the woman out of the house. She jumps into the car and, with bloodied hands, Bob slams against it yelling "make me an offer!" As she's driving away, she realizes that the entire neighborhood is crazy. She sees old ladies dumping bodies in trash cans, someone drowned in a kiddie pool, a man running over a cat with a lawnmower, and more grizzly scenes. 

The cover of the movie says: Real estate agent Bob Carter sells the American Dream...But in this neighborhood, dreams turn to nightmares. And I'm sure that terrified young woman would agree.

I was pleasantly surprised by this one. I'd never heard of it, and by the synopsis didn't expect much. There were some genuinely scary scenes - especially when Lewis returns to haunt his wife's nightmares. The stories are interesting and very well done. I enjoyed this quite a lot, and I think it's definitely worth a viewing.

#19 -- Zombie Women of Satan (2009)

Directors: Steve O'Brien & Warren Speed

Rating: 3 / 5

We have an interesting list of characters in this one. We've got a burlesque troupe called Flesharama: Skye Brannigan (a tough-girl rocker), Pervo the Clown (a...well, perve), Damage (master of pain), Harmony Starr (she calls herself a burlesque artist; but she's just a stripper), Johnny D. Hellfire (he seems to be their manager and announcer), and Zeus (a "little person" who assists the others in the show). They put on some kind of freakshow. When they get a gig doing a popular online show, Raw TV, things get weird. The creator and star of Raw TV is Tycho Zander, who is also the leader of some kind of cult. When Tycho's sister, Red, comes barging in screaming that the girls have gone mad, they run out. But not before Skye notices her sister, Rachel. Sky and Rachel's other sister drowned when they were teenagers. They each dealt with their grief differently, and Rachel disappeared. Now that Skye knows where she is, she will stop at nothing to get her out of there.

Tycho takes in girls and keeps them drugged, so that they will do whatever they're told. They no longer have names; they go by letters of the alphabet instead. There is a girl for every letter. Tycho's father, Henry, works in a lab. He is trying to create some kind of serum that turns the girls into zombies. He studies one subject at a time and keeps her tied to a table in his lab. But somehow, the serum leaks out, and all the girls become infected.

Meanwhile, Tycho and Red's mother (everyone just calls her Mother) is chained up in a backroom of the basement. She is one crazy old lady. Not to mention horny. She's always shouting at Henry because she wants some of his ass. And, she likes to play with the girls. When Henry is finished experimenting with them, after they're dead, he leaves them with her to "play with." It is hinted at later that she eats them. She's not a zombie - just a crazy old bat. Once she sees Pervo, she shouts, "Fuck me, sexy clown man!" 

Pervo the Clown

When Pervo is getting ready to take a chainsaw to a zombie girl, he rears back and...accidentally decapitates Johnny D. Hellfire. When he turns around and realizes what has happened he says, "Did I do that?" Reminiscent of Steven Q. Urkel. Harmony replies, "No! It just fucking fell off!"

There's really not much excitement in this. They're running from half naked zombie chicks, yes, but other than that...there isn't much going on. I didn't like this very much, but it was all right. Just some of the one-liners (especially coming from Mother) were very funny, which is why I'll give it three stars. And there's plenty of T & A if that's what you're interested in. This might be a good choice for a night of drunken debauchery, but if you're looking for a seriously good horror movie, this isn't the one for you.

#18 -- The Evil Dead (1981)

Director: Sam Raimi

Rating: 5 / 5

Okay, a few things first. If you have not yet seen this movie, DO IT. And, before you judge it too hard, you must know that this movie was made by some college kids on barely any budget. And, considering that, it is great. Even if you don't know that, or don't think about it, this movie is wonderful. So fantastic, in fact, that I think it should be an inspiration to aspiring film-makers who are working on little or no budget. It shows that it can be done, and it can be done well. This movie has become a classic, and Ash an icon. 

All right, the story is simple. A group of friends go out to a cabin in Tennessee (I think it's Tennessee), and things start to go awry. Things seem weird from the start, but they ignore it because, well...You know the rule. "In order to be in a horror movie, for the majority of the movie, you must be extremely stupid." Anyways, after a series of creepy but not life-altering events, they finally stumble upon a book in the basement. It is the Necronomicon (which is a real book, used for necromancy). There is a tape recorder with a recording on it. There was a man there before, studying the book. He explains a couple of weird things, and we eventually hear him reciting words from the Necronomicon. The kids should have shut the tape off by now, but they were curious. Well, a couple were at least. The girls were getting scared, but the men of course were not. 

Soon after the words were recited, the demons rise. The filming for these parts of the movie are, to me, amazing. It's filmed in first person, in the view of the demons - speeding through the forest straight toward the cabin. And when you see this, you just know that shit's going down. Cheryl (our main character Ash's sister) goes outside and gets raped by trees. There's no other way to say it. She just gets raped by the trees. She goes back inside, freaks out, and eventually becomes a demon. They have to lock her up in the cellar, but she is constantly peeking out, trying to escape - and screaming "Join us!" She's fucked up looking and creepy as hell. Again, it is amazing what Sam Raimi could do on such a small budget. 

My favorite demon, though, is Linda, Ash's girlfriend. When she is turned, she doesn't look creepy at all. She is cute as pie. She looks like a porcelain doll. But when she's sitting down on the floor, laughing like the cute little doll she is...it gets creepy fast. And I love it.

There are two remaining characters - Scotty and Shelly. Scotty is Ash's best friend, and Shelly is his girlfriend. Shelly eventually becomes possessed and Scotty has to dismember her. When Scotty is posessed later, Ash must dispose of him. I remember watching this movie as a kid, and when Ash killed Scotty, I thought that all the blood and guts and whatever else came out of him - I thought it looked like ketchup, milk, and grits. Maybe I was hungry. I don't know how they did it. It wasn't great, effects wise, but it's still entertaining to this day. 

Ash becomes the last man standing, and he defeats the demons by burning the Necronomicon. Or does he? This movie spawned two sequels (Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, and Army of Darkness), so obviously he didn't do that great of a job here. But he spends the rest of his life keeping humanity safe from The Evil Dead!

I love this movie. As I've said before, the '80s was a magnificent decade for horror movies. It may just be me, because I am completely in love with b-movies. But this is one of my favorites, for sure. So, again, if you haven't seen it, I advise you to do so.

#17 -- I Am Omega (2007)

Director: Griff Furst

Rating: 2 / 5

Mark Dacascos (yes, the host of Iron Chef) stars as "the last man on earth". Or at least, that's what we're made to believe. Some kind of apocalyptic catastrophe has taken place and he is the only one left standing. His wife and son have been killed, and he is surrounded by nothing but monsters. He is some sort of ninja or something, and he practices his ass-kicking moves in his super security home. He's even rigged some sort of device that alarms him when one of the monsters is close. Reading the synopsis, you'd think it would be pretty good. But...not so much. I was thinking, "Hey! Yeah, apocalyptic flesh-eating monsters!" But no. 

Renchard (our "last man") receives a video instant message. He is so terrified because he has believed he was the only person alive. For the longest time, he refuses to answer it. So, we're subjected to the most annoying "beeping" for so long that we want to jump through the screen and strangle him until he sucks it up and answers the damn message. When he finally does, it is a girl. She is alone, and she needs help getting somewhere - somewhere that, supposedly, is free of monsters. So, he realizes that he's not alone. But he doesn't trust her. So he tells her no.

Meanwhile, he's placing bombs underneath the city. He's going to blow it up to get rid of the monsters. People throughout the city who have died...did they receive a proper burial? No way! He's left them where they were, and he talks to the charred corpses as if they're still alive. He even pays them for whatever he's taking from their stores. So, basically...he's gone completely batshit.

And then he receives a visit from two rowdy men. For whatever reason I can't remember, they force him to help the girl. So, they're off on a journey together to find her. Now, these guys are assholes. And they turn out to be his biggest threat - not the monsters. I wish they would've used the monsters more; I think this movie would have been a lot better. One of the rowdy men is killed by a monster. The other ends up almost killing Renchard, and trying to rape the girl. But Renchard and the girl get away safely, out of the city. And KABOOM! The city explodes while they're making out on a bench.

I did not like this movie. There was literally no excitement whatsoever. Like I said before, it could have been a lot better had they focused more on the monsters. Though I did buy it on a DVD along with seven other films, for only five dollars. So I don't know why I expected any different.

#16 -- The Tooth Fairy (2006)

Director: Chuck Bowman

Rating: 3 / 5

We start off in the year 1949. Two brothers head up to the Witch's house. One is too afraid to go inside, so he waits. The other goes inside, and it appears that the woman has promised him a new bike - a shiny red Schwimm that he cannot wait to get his hands on. But first, he has to give her a tooth. The only problem is that the tooth has not yet fallen out. So, with the aid of a piece of string, he forces the tooth out. Before he can receive his prize, however, the old lady kills him.

Fastforward to the present day. That old woman's house has been bought and is being turned into a bed and breakfast. The owner (Peter), his girlfriend (Darcy), and her daughter (Pamela, or Pammy), and the handyman (Bobby) are gettting things ready. A young woman (Star) shows up, to rent a room. While walking around the property, Pammy finds an old bike. Another little girl (Emma) shows up and helps her pump the tires up, and they go for a ride. They reach a bridge and Emma tells her to stop, that this place is haunted. She then tells her about the witch. The witch collects children's teeth, and once she gets them, she kills the children. When she was alive, she had some sort of disease and she couldn't stand to look at herself. After killing all the children, she cursed them so that their souls were forced to roam the earth. Pammy has one baby tooth left, and Emma tells her to make sure she back home safely before she loses it. But on the way back to the Bed and Breakfast, someone (presumably the witch) knocks Pammy off the bike and the tooth comes out. Later that night, someone in a black cloak is peering over Pammy's bed. She screams and runs downstairs, and they all meet up with Mrs. McDonald, the crazy woman next door. She tells them a story of the witch too, but they dismiss it. 

Soon enough, people start dying. Mrs. McDonald tells them that all the renovations have disturbed her slumber. The first one to go is Bobby, who was thrown into a wood chipper. Darcy and Peter go into town to see the sheriff (because Darcy's car was stolen), and when they get back we meet two more people: Cherise and Cole. Cole is an old friend of Peter's and is in a band; Cherise is his hippie roadie. She, too, tells them that she senses something evil in the house. 

The next to die is Cherise. The witch stuck her to a wall using a nail gun, and axed her to pieces. Next is Cole. He is decapitated and axed in the back. Cole and Star were getting ready to boom-boom, and Star comes back into the room (topless) to find him dead. She passes out and is later saved by Peter. Next, two hillbilly tow truck drivers, the Hammond Brothers. The first is killed by castration, the second by an axe in the back. 

In order to defeat the witch, Emma tells Pammy that she will have to steal the music box that she keeps the children's teeth in. This will eliminate her power. Mrs. McDonald tells Darcy and Peter that they will have to torch her twice. We realize early on that Emma is the ghost of one of the children that were murdered. Later, we meet the rest of the ghosts. They are trapped on earth and wish to be set free. In order to do this, they would each have to get their teeth back.

In the final battle Pammy, Darcy, and Peter are in the cemetery. The witch has followed them there, after being torched the first time. They torch her once again, and all the ghosts start whacking her with sticks. They then retrieve their teeth from the ashes and their souls float into the sky. 

The story for this one is good, I think. I'd never seen anything like it. I think it could have been done better. I would have like to see the witch as more of a specter. She was almost like a normal person, just walking around and killing everyone. But, for the most part, it was an all right movie. I've watched it twice, so it can't be all that bad. I give it three stars.

#15 -- Bio-Zombie (1998)

Director: Wilson Yip

Rating: 3 / 5

This one is definitely different from any other asian horror movie I've ever seen. I'm on the fence as to whether that's a good thing or not. 

We open with a scene done with a handheld camera, where two men are bootlegging a movie - the one we're watching - and complaining about having to take a dump. Then, we cut to our two main characters - Woody Invicible and Crazy Bee. They seem like assholes to begin with because, well...they kind of are. But you'll grow to love Crazy Bee. He sounds like a stoner, and he is silly as hell. I'm not sure if it was the dubbing that made him sound that way, or if that's how the character was actually written. But either way, it was entertaining. They work in the mall selling bootlegged movies. We also have Mr. and Mrs Kui, who sell cell phones. Mr. Kui IS an asshole - there's no doubt about it. Any time his wife says anything, his answer is "Shut up! What do you know, woman?" Then there are the two good-looking friends, Jelly and Rolls (Yes, Jelly Rolls. ha-ha). Loi, also known as "Sushi Boy", works at the sushi shop (who would'a thunk it), and is crazy about Rolls. 

We then cut to a couple of military men who've started working with Iraqis (who, they say, are the masters of weapons; even better than Americans). They've created a biochemically engineered zombie, with a tainted soft drink. One of the military men goes to check it out, and he gets attacked. The zombie breaks free and attacks all but one. The one left standing runs away, and as soon as he reaches the road...is hit by a car. And that car is driven by none other than Woody and Bee. They trick a police officer into believing that he is a friend and that he's had a little too much to drink. They then pour the tainted soft drink down his throat, and the rest is history.

They return to the mall. They need money, so they decide to rob Rolls. They sneak into the lady's restroom and ambush her. They put a mop bucket over her head so she couldn't see them. When they're done, they run away and act as if nothing happens. Rolls asks Woody for help in finding who robbed her, although she knows it was him and his friend. So, she offers to take him out to dinner in hopes of getting a drunken confession. But, the alcohol only leads to bathroom sex. The sex is interrupted by Loi, who comes in screaming "There's a monster in the men's room! He's been bitten. He doesn't turn into your typical zombie. He's still crazy about Rolls, and he ends up saving her life.

I actually watched this on my computer and took a few screenshots. I was so glad I was able to get this shot. This is Bee when he realizes that the security guard has been zombie-fied. I literally laughed out loud.

When Bee was bitten trying to save Mrs. Kui from a zombie, I almost cried. Woody talks to Bee afterward, trying to convince him that everything will be okay. Bee says that he made a birthday wish at midnight - that he could go see a movie with a pretty girl who likes him. He says that he doesn't want to be a zombie; he would rather die. He asks Woody to take a picture of him for his funeral, and requests that weapons be sent to him in the afterlife so he can kill the zombies before they have the chance to return to the living world. Woody ends up cutting Bee's head off - but he has to. He knows that is actually what Bee would have wanted.

I did like this movie. It was silly and made me laugh. It was different from other asian films I've seen, but I don't guess that's such a bad thing. Asian film-makers are definitely capable of creating original material, and that is why I love them. This isn't the best I've seen, but it's worth a watch - get your giggles with it. 

#14 -- Masters of Horror: Incident On and Off A Mountain Road (2005)

Director: Don Coscarelli

Rating: 5 / 5

The Masters of Horror series is wonderful, and a must-see for any horror fan. They are definitely masters of their craft and, in my opinion, this movie is the best example of that. Ellen crashes her car into another - abandoned - vehicle in the middle of the night. There is no one else around that she can see, but she feels that someone might be hurt and she investigates. There is blood on the road and soon enough, she sees a girl running from the woods. She is bloody and terrified, and she almost escapes. A horrible-looking man emerges from the trees and drags her back into the woods with him. Ellen, being the stupid good person she is, enters the trees in hopes of saving the girl. But she soon becomes a victim herself. 

The killer is a man called Moonface. He collects human bodies for reasons unknown, and he keeps them on posts in his back yard (sort of like Vlad the Impaler). We see flashbacks of Ellen and her husband, Bruce. How they met and fell in love, and how he was a complete survival nut. He taught Ellen everything he knew, including how to survive this situation. She stays away from Moonface long enough, but he eventually captures her. She is locked away in the basement of his house with an old man who sings all day and obviously has no idea what is going on. She eventually escapes with her life, thanks to the survival tips that Bruce taught her. 

But Ellen has a dirty little secret of her own. We see more flashbacks of her and Bruce, and these aren't so pretty. Bruce eventually became so obsessed with teaching Ellen his survival tips that she became aggravated with him. They fight all the time, and it eventually leads to Bruce beating her. Ellen uses what he taught her against him, and we realize just why she was on that abandoned road that night. Bruce becomes an item on Moonface's twisted artwork, thanks to his wonderful wife.

There isn't a dull moment in this one. It keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole time. The filming, direction, acting and effects are all magnificent. And Moonface definitely has the potential to become an icon among the Horror world. I'm waiting to see more of him, though sadly I'm not sure we ever will.

#13 -- Drive Thru (2007)

Directors: Brendan Cowles & Shane Kuhn

Rating: 5 / 5

I friggin' love this movie. I'm all for killer clowns - love 'em! And I do believe this is the best one since Stephen King's It. 

We start off with a couple white gangsters (trust me, within a few minutes you'll be saying "Kill them! Please!") and their girlfriends. They're at the drive thru, and the man behind the intercom says something that the head ganster doesn't like very much (I think it was something alone the lines of "Can I fuck your whore, wigger?" and when asked to repeat himself he says "Can I take your order, mister?"). So, he and his buddy go inside to give the man a piece of their minds. While the HG (head gangster) is walking around through the restaurant, he's singing a little song that goes something like - Homie got a date with my nickel plate... Really? Just...really? Goodness. Anyways, when they got axed I found myself jumping up and down screaming "Yay! Whoo-hoo!" Not really, but I definitely felt like doing so. Meanwhile, their girlfriends are axed back out in the truck. 

The story follows a seventeen year old girl who is getting ready to sleep with her boyfriend. She wants to wait until she turns eighteen so she will be legal (which is a bit unbelievable, but we go with it). Along with a group of friends, they start playing around with an Ouija board, and they get a series of letters and numbers. They find out later that this is the license plate number of the truck the gangsters were driving. When their friends start dying, they begin investigating. The girl realizes that all of the kids who've been murdered were all children of her mother's friends. Whens she confronts her mother, she becomes very distant and vague.

We find out eventually that there was a boy who went to school with the girl's mother. He was in love with her, and she and her friends picked on him. He invited her to his birthday party at his father's restaurant (Hella-Burger), and they played a prank that resulted in his death. And now, he is back for revenge - by killing their children.

The boy worked, when he was alive, for his father as the mascot of his restaurant. His name is Horny The Clown, and he is PISSED OFF. He likes to quote The Shining ("I'm not gonna hurt you; I'm gonna BASH YOUR BRAINS IN!") He wears a sort of flaming jumpsuit, and his mask is like the intercom on a drive thru. His hair also resembles flames, as does his axe. And, I may be strange, but I find Horny The Clown to be quite sexy. He is vicious. He completely goes ape shit on the people he kills, laying down on them with his axe with such intensity that it makes me say, "Oooh."

Aside from my sick fantasies, this actually is a great movie. It is very well done - the filming, the effects, the acting, the storyline. It is amazing, and worth several views - for me at least. 

#12 -- Staunton Hill (2009)

Director: George Cameron Romero

Rating: 2 / 5

Reading the synopsis, this movie sounds good; it's a good story. It could have been, at least. And the fact that it was created by George A. Romero's son makes you think, "Hey! This might be good." But after watching it, I'm only thinking, "Hey, I think Georgie's wifey might'a had a 'lil somethin' something' on the side." Because he sure didn't pass his talents onto his son.

Staunton Hill follows a group of friends who are traveling. They meet up with a guy at a garage, and he offers to give them a ride. They end up at an old farmhouse. Everything is fine for a while, except for the dumb kid that they all make fun of. And then people start dying. 

The film-makers don't try to hide anything. You know who the killer is from the beginning, and it doesn't take long for you to figure out the "why." There is no suspense at all. It's zzzz...boring. It seems like they're selling fresh body parts on some sort of black market for dumb hillbillies. But it turns out that there was a little girl who had been in an accident, and they are trying to find the parts to stitch her back together again. I'm not quite sure if they sold things aside from that, but I'm not going to watch it again to find out. Nuh-uh, no way, Jose. 

The killer isn't actually that bad of a guy (dumb, but not too bad). You'll actually feel a bit sorry for him. If not for his fat, overbearing mother and asshole of a grandmother, he probably wouldn't be caught up in this mess. In fact, our heroin survives only because she told him she was his friend.

This movie definitely stinks. But it wasn't entirely unwatchable - I did actually sit through the whole thing - which is why I gave it two stars instead of one. But still, I wouldn't recommend this one. If you're drunk, maybe - REALLY drunk - you might enjoy it. But otherwise...Just don't.

#11 -- Ginger Snaps (2000)

Director: John Fawcett

Rating: 5 / 5

Out by sixteen, or dead in the scene, but together forever

This movie stars Katharine Isabelle (who has become one of my favorite actresses) and Emily Perkins (you might remember her as a young Beverly in Stephen King's "It") as two outcast sisters in high school. They are picked on constantly, but Ginger doesn't mind at all; she is a tough girl and can stick up for her self. Brigitte is the shy one, and she needs her sister.

For a project in school, they take photos of each other "being dead." These photos are completely incredible and show exactly how twisted the sisters are. They also have a pact to commit suicide when they both turn sixteen. And their motto is "out by sixteen or dead in the scene, but together forever."

When a girl at school hurts Brigitte, Ginger vows to get revenge. They plan to kidnap the girl's dog and hide it, to make it look as if it were killed by The Beast of Baily Downs (a beast who has been killing the local dogs). When they get there, though, the dog is already dead. So, they decide to move him to be sure that she will see. In the midst of all this, Ginger gets "the curse." If you're a female reading this, you know what that means. If you're a male, well...I'm sure you can figure it out. Anyhow, as they're leaving Ginger is attacked by a wild animal (The Beast). 

Immediately Ginger begins to change. She becomes sexually promiscuous and distant from her sister. She is fighting with other girls and getting in trouble at school. She starts off by killing the neighbor's dog ("He just kept barking, and barking, and barking"), and ends up killing one of her teachers and a janitor. They begin spiraling downward as Ginger tries to have as much fun as possible, while Brigitte searches desperately for a cure for her sister.

She finds this cure with the local stoner and pot-grower. It is a flower that they must break down into a liquid and inject into the infected. While transporting Ginger in the back of Sam's van, her change is completed. They are chased throughout their house, and Brigitte finally has the chance to inject the cure.

Yes, even as a werewolf, she still has boobs.

Ginger Snaps is one of the best werewolf movies out there. The effects are wonderful, the transformation scenes are gruesome and frightening, the characters are lovable, quirky, and interesting, and at the heart of it...it's a sweet story about two sisters who will do anything for one another. When I first saw it, it scared me half to death; now it's easily one of my favorite movies. So if you're into werewolves, you've probably already seen it. But if not, you should go do that right now!

#10 -- Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Director: Dan O'Bannon

Rating: 5 / 5

The '80s is my favorite decade for movies. They're not the greatest in any sense - the acting, direction, filming, effects. But that's part of what makes them the greatest, and they're the most entertaining and creative. They just don't make them like that anymore. This movie is a great example of that. No, it's not perfect. But it is amazing. 

We start off with Freddy, who has just started a new job at a medical supply warehouse. His boss is showing him around, and they end up in the basement. He shows him a couple vats of something. It is a military drug called Trioxin that they used to bring soldiers back to life. His boss tells him that it's built strong and nothing can break it. He then slaps it, and it breaks open, filling the air with a mist of Trioxin. They inhale a great deal of it and end up getting "sick." Everything in the place starts coming to life. There are little butterflies tacked to boards that begin fluttering around; there are little half-dogs that are used for study; and a corpse hanging in a freezer. When the corpse came out, I just knew I was going to hate this movie. It was green and it looked like it was made out of plastic. They cut his head off, and he started running around like a chicken with...Well, you know the rest. And I thought, "Wow, this is so stupid." I didn't think, at that point, that this would become one of my favorite movies. The original zombie, known affectionately by ROTLD fans as "Tarman," that came from the Trioxin vat has become the most famous character in this entire series. 

Meanwhile, Freddy's girlfriend Tina is hanging out in the graveyard with his punk friends: Trash, Suicide, Spider, Scuz, and a couple others that I can't remember. They are accosted by zombies and are forced to run into the warehouse.

Freddy and his bosses (the big boss has showed up) cut up the green guy and decide to take him to the cemetery where there is a crematorium. They tell the mortician that they have rabid weasels that they want to burn alive. But the mortician will not do it, and eventually learns the truth. When he realizes that there's a zombie in those bags, he is more than happy to burn it up. In doing so, though, more Trioxin leaks from the chimney and into the local graveyard. All the bodies there come to life, and the fun begins.Freddy and Burt (the little boss; the big guy is Frank) also learn something about themselves. They are dying slowly; but they're not dying, exactly. If you know what I mean.

There's a little T & A in this one. We get to see Trash (a pretty hot chick) dance around naked to a song called "Tonight (We'll Make Love 'Till We Die)." And of course, being made in the '80s, there are some funny parts. When Freddy has become a full-fledged zombie, he wants to eat his girlfriend (ha-ha). She's hiding in the attic with the mortician, and you can hear him saying, "Tina! I know you're up there. I can smell your braiiiiinnnnssss!"

There's also a zombie that looks like an old lady. They interrogate her, asking her why she eats people. "Not people, braiiinss," she said. She tells them that being dead hurts and that eating brains "makes the pain go away," and that she can "feel herself rot." Also, we see a little midget zombie eating a paramedic. And the famous line, "Send more paramedics," which inspired a great band.

It may be cheesy but, hell, that's what we like about it. But when you get past the cheese, it's a great movie. It's about zombies; what could possibly go wrong?

# 9 -- Boy Eats Girl (2005)

Director: Stephen Bradley

Rating: 5 / 5

Shot in Ireland, this movie follows a love-stricken teenager, Nathan. He's in love with one of his best friends, Jessica, but he's too chicken to ask her out. So, his friends take it upon themselves. They send her a text message with his phone, telling her to meet him at their little hangout spot. Nathan waits for a while, and Jessica never shows up. It is raining, and he stops at a telephone booth to call her. Her father answers and tells him that she left with another guy - the school bully, Kenneth. As Nathan is walking home, he sees Kenneth in his car. After a few moments, Jessica rises up. It appears that she was giving Kenneth a you-know-what. What Nathan doesn't know is this: Jessica was late because her father wouldn't let her leave. She had to sneak out. Kenneth drove up and offered her a ride. He hit a bump in the road and her flashlight fell to the floor. She was leaning down to pick it up when Nathan saw her. 

Heartbroken, Nathan returns home and gets drunk off a bottle of liquor he had hidden under his bed. In front of his doorway, he has a teddy bear hanging from a noose. He gets a chair, and puts the noose around his neck. I don't think he was actually going to kill himself. He was just sad and drunk - a very bad combination. As he's trying to remove the noose, his mother is coming upstairs to tell him to turn the bloody music down. She opens the door, and it hits the chair, knocking Nathan down and to his death. 

Nathan's mother, very upset, decides to preform a voodoo ritual on him to bring him back to life. She uses a book that she found in the caves underneath the church (the church!). But little does she know, there is a page missing, and the ritual goes horribly, horribly wrong.

Nathan is a rather good zombie. He can control himself. He only bit one person, because he said the wrong thing about Jessica. But the zombie Nathan made created several more, and the town is soon overrun with them.

The gore in this one is quite good, especially in the final scene. They use some large vehicle (I have no idea what it actually was) to run down the zombies. There's blood and guts everywhere, and it is beautiful. 

Also, there are some funny scenes. When Nathan tells his friends what is happening, they want to know what it feels like. "I'm stronger. Faster," he replies. "Whoah! Can you fly?" his friend asks. To which he replies (yells, actually), "No! I can't fly!" And you wouldn't imagine that it would be so funny to shove a golf club into a zombie's mouth. 

This movie is absolutely fantastic. It's got equal parts zombie, humor, and stupid teenage angst to satisfy everyone. It's one of my favorite movies, and everyone should definitely check it out.

# 8 -- Repo: The Genetic Opera (2008)

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman

Rating: 2.5 / 5

I'm not sure why I wanted to see this one. Maybe it's because I found the story intriguing. Plus, it was recommended by a friend, and I trusted her judgement. It's not a bad movie; it's just not quite my cup of tea. I'm not even sure this is considered horror, but it seemed fitting to include it here.

Geneco is a company that specializes in organ transplants and plastic surgery. They offer a payment plan, and if you can't make your payments you'll be visited by the Repo Man. The story follows a girl who suffers from some kind of blood disease. Rotti Largo, the head of Geneco, tells her that he can cure her. But he needs her help first, and it leads to the hardest decision of her life.

Shilo resents her mother, who died giving birth, for passing on her genetic disorder. Her father has kept her locked away all her life, he says, because it's not safe for her outside. We find out later that Shilo's father had found a cure for his wife. He gave it to her while giving birth, and she passed away. Her father has blamed himself all these years, but unbeknownst to him, the blame lies on Rotti Largo's shoulders. He was in love with Shilo's mother, and she left him to be with Nathan. So, Largo killed her and blamed Nathan. And the only way for Rotti to keep Nathan's dirty secret was if Nathan worked for him at Geneco - as the Repo Man. Rotti never forgave Nathan, and ends up asking his own daughter to murder him.

The cinematography is beautiful in this film, and I think it had wonderful potential. It could have been great. But 95% of the film's dialogue was singing, and it was very distracting. I couldn't get into the story that much, because I was focusing on their singing, trying to figure out what they were saying. And it kind of ruined it for me. Now, I've got nothing against musicals - actually, I love them. I love a movie that has a couple amazing songs here and there. But an opera is quite different - every other word is a song. And I just can't handle it. As I said before, it's not a bad movie. It just wasn't for me. 

The best part of this movie was Sarah Brightman as Blind Mag. She was a blind singer who had her eyes genetically altered. She could not only see, but her eyes had the power to "do more than see." She was gorgeous, and her singing was magnificent, as always.

Another good (and funny) part was when Paris Hilton's character Amber Sweet's face fell off due to excessive plastic surgery. 

There were good effects and wonderful filming. So if you're into blood, guts and opera, give it a try.

# 7 -- Dead Silence (2007)

Director: James Wan

Rating: 5 / 5

Beware the stare of Mary Shaw

She had no children, only dolls

And if you see her, do not scream

Or she'll rip your tongue out at the seams

Mary Shaw was a very dedicated ventriloquist, and her dream was to create the perfect dummy. She succeeded at her dream when she created Billy, her most prized possession. One day, when she and Billy were performing, a young boy stood up and challenged her--he said that he could see her lips moving. Mary was obviously very upset by this, since ventriloquism was her passion, and she couldn't let some little squirt call her out. Soon after, that little boy went missing. Nothing was ever proven, but the townspeople blamed her for the boy's disappearance. They tracked her down and killed her, by ripping out her tongue. She had lost her instrument: her voice. Her dying wish was to be buried with all of her dolls, and to be turned into a human dummy. Apparently Mary's soul became trapped inside of Billy, and whoever obtained the doll would be cursed. Once she appeared, the only rule was that the person could not scream, or Mary would rip their tongue out, as the poem implies. 

Dead Silence mainly follows a young man who searches for answers after he and his wife received Billy in the mail. While he was gone, his wife encountered Mary, screamed, and was swiftly killed by the angry spirit. 

What I love about this movie is the atmosphere. It's dark and suspenseful, it makes the heart race, and honestly...it scared the bejeesus out of me. I've seen a lot of horror movies in my lifetime, and I'm not easily frightened by them anymore. So when I find a movie that genuinely scares me, I can't get enough of it. Dead Silence did just that. I will never look at ventriloquist dummies the same ever again. In fact, I don't think I'll look at them period, ever again. I never realized how creepy those things are. 

# 6 -- Night of the Living Dorks (2004)

Director: Mathias Dinter

Rating: 5 / 5

We have three dorks. Philip is the I turn into a blubbering mess when I try to talk to girls type. Wurst isn't really that much of a dork. He's just a stoner. And, my favorite, Konrad. He is the type that wears glasses and gets beat up. He even keeps a record of all his beatings. And then there's Rebecca. She lives next-door to Philip. She's a goth girl who is into witchcraft and voodoo. 

Philip asks Rebecca to make him a love potion, so he can win the heart of the school whore. Rebecca asks him to prove that he takes voodoo seriously by accompanying her and a couple more goth kids to a ceremony in the graveyard. When they get there, they realize that these kids are the absolute WORST at voodoo magic. 

Here's what they need for their ceremony: a live sacrifice, authentic zombie ashes, and blood.

Here's what they actually have: a frozen chicken, a band-aid, and authentic zombie ashes (the only part they got right). The ritual (to raise the dead), shockingly, does not work. Or at least, that's what they think. When the zombie ashes are poured all over our dorks, they get fed-up and leave. But on the way home, Wurst (who is driving) decides to try out some weird homemade bong. And they crash. But with the ashes of a zombie sinking into their blood, they survive. Kind of...

They wake up in a morgue, evidence of their accident still in place (one of them was impaled with a windshield wiper), and later escape. When they realize what has happened, that they have become flesheating zombies, Philip runs to Rebecca for help. She agrees to find an antidote. But meanwhile, they'll have to keep their cravings in check. Philip and Wurst are fine, the only evidence of zombieism being the pale skin and failing body (Philip loses his balls more than once, and has to have Wurst staple his penis back on with a staple gun.) But Konrad...Well, Konrad is special. 

Armed with a staple gun (to keep himself together), and his record book of beatings, he seeks revenge. He goes on a mission to eat everyone who had ever crossed him, including their gym coach (the only thing left was a foot; I guess it was too smelly to eat). 

I think some would argue that this is not actually a horror movie. But it has the elements of a horror movie. There are some suspenseful parts, there is blood and guts, and of course sex; we can't have a horror movie without sex. But I won't deny that it is also a comedy. It's a horror comedy, but it's still horror. 

This one was originally in German. There are no subtitles, but if you can deal with the English dubbing (which, to me, wasn't all that obvious) this is definitely worth a watch. It is funny, and the gore effects are pretty good. Plus, Konrad is flippin' adorable. And it only gets better when he goes crazy and starts eating people. 

So if you're into horror that makes you laugh, give Die Nacht der lebenden Loser a try.