#234 -- Bloody Birthday (1981)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Ed Hunt

You can pretty much tell the basic idea of the movie by looking at the poster. It's got something to do with kids, and a birthday. If you read the synopsis given to you by Netflix or IMDB, you'll know that these children enjoy killing people. Don't be mistaken by thinking that they mean "kids" as in teenagers; no, these are little kids. Like, ten years old. They're Debbie, Curtis, and Steven, and they were all born on the same day in  1970. The first murder happens when a couple is having sex in a grave. The boy is beaten in the head with a shovel, and the girl is strangled by a jump rope. They don't show us, at that point, who the murderer is, but from then on we know exactly what's going on.

The story mostly follows another ten year old boy, Timmy, and his older sister Joyce. Their parents are away on vacation, which leaves Joyce in charge of her little brother. When people all over town start dying, they get pretty nervous. Joyce knows that the kids have something to do with it, but the kids are way too smart for her. A well-placed prank makes all the townspeople believe she's crazy, so there's no way the kids can get caught. At least, not right away. After killing the two teens in the graveyard, they kill the town sheriff, who happens to be Debbie's father, followed by a group of other people. Later on, Curtis acquires the sheriff's gun, so he becomes even more dangerous. I think the kids just like killing people; it doesn't seem like they care who it is, as long as they get some blood on their hands. If something stops them from killing one person, they'll just move on to the next. But the ones they really want are Timmy and Joyce, because they're the ones who can expose them.

It seems that Debbie is the brains behind the operation, Curtis is the muscle, and Steven is just kind of there. They all play their own parts in the murders, though, so don't think there's only one to blame. They even keep a scrapbook of all the people they kill. Creepy, huh? It seems, throughout the majority of the movie, that they're killing people for no reason. But it's all got to do with horoscopes and astrology, which Joyce discovers through a project she's doing. The day the kids were born, there was an eclipse that blocked Saturn. Joyce said that Saturn controls emotions, so the kids should have something missing from their personalities. It could be their conscience, their morality, or their sanity. Maybe their compassion. Or, perhaps, maybe they're all just incapable of feeling anything. Who knows.

Call me a nerd one more time!

So, are the kids any good? I think the little actors actually did a pretty good job. Steven looked crazy, Curtis looked like he didn't belong with them at all (even though he ended up being the worst of the bunch), and Debbie looked exactly like I would expect a killer child to look. She was perfect on the outside; she was sweet and polite and a perfect little "angel face." But on the inside? Cuckoo for cocoa puffs. To me, she was the creepiest one of them all. Would I put them in my top five creepiest kids? No. But I can 't deny that they were creepy, and those actors did a great job.


Bloody Birthday was an okay movie. There wasn't very much suspense, though, since we know all along who the killers are. I think it would have been better if we hadn't known, so we could have that shock value of realizing, "Oh, shit! It's little kids!" I also think that someone would have heard the gunshots as Curtis was shooting his victims down, and that a ten year-old boy with a gun would have been suspicious. So that seemed a little unrealistic to me. But overall, it was a pretty good movie with some creepy little kids taking people out just for shits and giggles.

#232 -- Lovely Molly (2011)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Eduardo Sanchez

Eduardo Sanchez is known for creating The Blair Witch Project, which I've never been a fan of. Lovely Molly, however, is a massive improvement, I think.

It's about a woman who is haunted by the ghosts of her past, and the family that has to deal with her and take care of her. Molly was played by Gretchen Lodge, a fairly new actress who I think has great potential. She did a wonderful job with the part, and I'm pretty excited to see her in some more horror. Molly's husband, Tim, was played by Johnny Lewis, who I know from the remake of One Missed Call. He's adorable, and he also did a wonderful job as the concerned and abused husband.

Right after Molly and Tim get married, they move into Molly's childhood home. Both of her parents are dead, physically, but it is obvious that Molly isn't able to entirely let go of them. The film hints that Molly might have been molested by her father, and her sister played a big role in protecting her near the end. Molly and Tim are a beautiful couple, until things start to go sour. We discover that Molly is a recovering drug addict, and her current situation drives her back into her old ways. Since Tim is a truck driver, he has to leave Molly alone often. The house is old and creaky, which is scary enough; but Molly becomes convinced that the ghost of her father roams the halls. He tells her a secret, follows her everywhere she goes, and torments her to no end. Eventually, his spirit possesses Molly, turning her into a completely different person.

The first incident happened when she tried to bite Tim's lips off. She then seduced and murdered the pastor of her church. Molly's sanity quickly plummets from that point. Since Molly is known for doing drugs, it is difficult for  her to get anyone to believe her. She says that it happened once before and no one believed, so this time she's determined to show them. Whenever something "ghostly" happens around the house, she grabs her video camera to get a shot of the spirit. So we've got a few "found footage" type of scenes in here. I am not a fan of those kinds of movies, but I was glad to see that the entire movie wasn't like that. The reasoning for it made sense, unlike all the others I've seen. Anyways, for the majority of the movie, I myself was unable to tell whether Molly was actually seeing ghosts. I had a feeling, as well, that the spirits were simply drug induced. That question was answered at the end of the movie, but I'd hate to spoil it for you, so...

This movie relies entirely on atmosphere and mood to get its point across. There are no jump scares, and there's very little real action. But that doesn't mean it wasn't good. Ghosts or no, seeing Molly's downward spiral was frightening and interesting. She and Tim were a very attractive couple, and there was one extremely steamy sex scene. So you've got that. The actors were magnificent, the mood was great, and all other technicalities were on point. The only problem I have, really, was the pacing of the movie. It was a bit slow, but that doesn't really diminish the entertainment factor of the movie.The ending I wasn't ecstatic about, but it kind of worked. Overall, Lovely Molly, while not perfect, is an interesting and enjoyable ghost story. Eduardo Sanchez really stepped it up from Blair Witch, and I'm actually interested in seeing what else he has in store for us.

#223 -- Fright Night (2011)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Craig Gillespie

I was kind of hesitant about this one, because I really enjoyed the original. That being said, it really wasn't as bad as I feared. I know a lot of people probably  hate it, but I'm not one of them. The difference, I think, is that I didn't grow up with the original. I didn't see it until I was probably around sixteen, so I don't really have any emotional attachments to it. I'm not saying the remake is better than the original, because it's not even close. I'm just saying that it really wasn't all that bad. I had a couple of problems with the movie, mostly the characters, but for the most part, it was okay.

My biggest problem was the relationship between Charlie and Evil Ed. In the original, they were best friends. I could tell that they hind the kind of relationship that I had with my best friend in high school. The rip-your-head-off kind of best friends, but they're there for each other when the time comes. But in this one, they weren't friends at all. They had been friends at one point, but Charlie abandoned Ed to get in with the popular crowd. Amy was one of the hot girls, but she wasn't annoying. I actually liked her better than the original Amy, because she was a strong female character. But Charlie was a cool guy; he wasn't the dorky kid we remember from the original. Ed was still a nerd (he was played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who was McLovin'), but he was kind of an asshole, and he wasn't as awesome or silly as Stephen Geoffreys. It was Ed who believed that Jerry was a vampire, not Charlie. Charlie thought he was nuts, and it wasn't until Ed disappeared (because he was changed really fast) that Charlie started to believe him. I didn't like Jerry as much, either. Sure, Colin Ferrell is much better looking than Chris Sarandon, but that didn't make the character more likable. Jerry, in the original, was a classy fellow. He was polite, and he pretty much stayed to himself until Charlie started digging around. In this one, he wasn't afraid of letting people know what he was. And he was kind of a whore. When Charlie caught up with Peter Vincent, I wasn't too fond with the direction they took with him either. I liked Peter in the original. Here, he was a sort of Criss Angel wannabe, and he was a drunk whore too. He was really quick to believe Charlie's story, unlike the real Peter Vincent, who took quite a bit of convincing (and for a while only pretended to believe to appease Charlie).

So, the only characters I didn't really have a problem with were Charlie, Amy, and Charlie's mom. Charlie was different, but not really in a bad way. I liked the dorky Charlie, but cool Charlie wasn't bad. Amy and Ms. Bruster were cool chicks, and I didn't have a problem with them at all.

Even though I had some problems with how they changed it, overall, I didn't think it was that bad. It still had a little bit of humor, though not nearly as much as the original. It didn't have the awesome cheesy gore, like the original either. I did think that Jerry's true vampire form looked better in this one (I really didn't like how he looked in the original), but Amy...Amy was fucking awesome in the original. When she transformed, it was weird and terrifying. They tried to keep it that way in this one, but it just didn't quite work as well. This one didn't have quite as much charm as the original did, but I can't really fault it for that. The '80s was a decade full of awesome horror movies, and they just cannot be copied.

It is absolutely impossible for me to watch remakes and pretend they're not remakes. I can't look at them as if they're original, because they're not. So, I don't even try anymore. I have to compare the two. So, did I think the remake lived up to the original? Not by a long shot. But as far as remakes go, it really wasn't all that bad. I've definitely seen worse (like A Nightmare on Elm Street, for instance). I would choose the original any day.

#217 -- The Shadow Walkers (2006)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Mark Steven Grove

IMDB says this movie is quote, "very suspenseful," and I guess it is pretty suspenseful, but...not really. It's an okay movie with a not-so-unique premise that will not shock you at all. That being said, I only really have one big problem with it.

It was about a group of geneticists working on some sort of experiment. They were mutating people to, I believe, use them as soldiers in the army. We get flashbacks of the doctors and scientists working on the experiment, and that is how we figure out what's going on. Whatever they did to them made them strong, intelligent, and really horny. They reverted back to primal, animalistic ways, while still maintaining their high intelligence. Even so, there was only one subject that went according to planned; only one that could be maintained, trained, and controlled. The rest went mad. Not only were there personalities mutated, but their bodies were mutated as well, turning them into horrendous monsters. They were like zombies; they ate the living, transformed the living through bites, craved flesh, and were drawn to the scent of blood.

When it was obvious that the creatures were not going to be able to be maintained, they were sent to an underground genetic storage facility. Along with the creatures were certain doctors and scientists, and they also trapped the man they sent to lock everyone else away. These people woke up, unsure of where they were, and completely oblivious as to what was happening to them. All they knew was that the creatures were hunting them, and they had to find a way to get out before they were all eaten or transformed into monsters themselves.

See what I mean by not-so-unique? There are tons of movies involving government facilities and experiments gone wrong. Almost all of those involve zombies, or creatures that try to pretend they're not zombies (like these, those it's painfully obvious). With the character development, we knew right away who was going to make it out alive. We had the strong man that everyone depended on, the strong woman, the hot woman, the woman no one cares about, the man no one cares about, and the asshole. The two no one cares about are always killed pretty quickly; the beautiful woman, though we root for her, is almost always killed; and the asshole always makes it longer than we'd like, but he's killed eventually. So it's obvious who is going to live; thankfully, it's the two characters we care about more than the others.

The biggest problem I have with this one is that it's hard to understand. I got the basics of it, which I guess was the point, but I'm not sure. During the flashbacks, there was too much scientific mumbo jumbo, and I didn't understand a word of it. Cell membranes, blah blah blah, a bunch of things I've never heard of and probably never will. But that doesn't matter, I guess, because I still got the jist of the situation.

I will say that the shadow walkers did look pretty cool. They had those gigantic teeth and everything, and they were definitely primal. The make-up could have been better, because I could tell where it ended and the person's natural skin began, which kind of diminished the fear factor for me. But I can deal with that; I'm no stranger to bad effects. These weren't bad--I did like how they looked--but they could have been a little better.

I probably would have liked this movie a lot more had I seen it a long, long time ago. At this point, I've seen so many movies with the same story that it's hard to really enjoy it. It wasn't bad; there are just too many others like it.

#214 -- Monster in the Closet (1986)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Bob Dahlin

Everything you're thinking right now is probably correct. Monster in the Closet is a film from Troma studios that pokes at the monster movies of old. It was meant to be silly, but at the same time, it doesn't seem like it was trying to be silly. They created something ridiculous, but they pulled it off with seriousness. Don't be confused, though. It's not about the boogeyman. This thing was 100% monster.

Possibly from another planet, the monster preyed on innocent people while hiding in their closets. Why it chose closets, no one could be sure. They figured that a closet was its safe place; a place where it could rest and rejuvenate itself. But if anyone should wander into the closet where it was hiding, you best believe that person didn't come back out. It wasn't really clear what it was doing to begin with. All we got was a high pitched sound, and then everything from the closet being tossed about. There's nothing to see, really. It takes a good while for us to actually get a look at the monster too.

A reporter, Richard Clark, was put on the case of the Closet Creature killings. He went to a town called Chestnut Hills to investigate. While he was there, he met with a college biology professor who supposedly believed that the creature was actually a giant snake (because two puncture wounds were found in each victim). Along with Professor Bennett, Richard met Father Finnegan, a priest who apparently was Dr. Bennett's uncle. Also there was Dr. Pennyworth, a man who worked with Dr. Bennett; and "Professor," Dr. Bennett's son. They all had their theories on how to destroy the monster, but they learned the truth a little bit too late.

Richard Clark was sort of like a superman. He wore giant, ugly glasses all the time. But when those glasses were removed for whatever reason, Dr. Bennett went into some sort of trance. She couldn't look at anything except him. What I thought was foreshadowing a budding relationship actually played a big role in the ending of the movie. Because when The Monster saw Richard without his glasses, it had the same effect. He took Richard prisoner, but it didn't intend to hurt him. Maybe it was looking for a mate? Maybe it had fallen in love with him because of his charming good looks? I'm not sure, but its compassion toward Richard ended up being its downfall. As one of the characters (I can't remember which) said, "'Twas beauty killed the beast."

The solution was quite simple and predictable, but it worked in its own way. No man nor machine could destroy the monster. No amount of fire power could take it down. Guns, tanks, whatever--the army was at a loss, and all they could do was evacuate everyone. What could be done to destroy a creature that lives in closets? Well, that seems pretty obvious to me.

The movie was silly, of course. But it had a little ray of seriousness about it. It is a Troma movie, though, so how serious could it honestly be? Not very. The monster itself was really strange-looking. It was a gigantic hunchback, with a gaping mouth rimmed with teeth. But those teeth aren't what caused the puncture wounds found on the victims. There was another creature living inside of the monster, a little worm-looking thing. It would slither out of the monster's gaping hole of a mouth to kill its victims. It doesn't make much sense, but that's what I like about these movies. They're always creative and different, and you can't honestly say you've ever seen anything like them. These movies do what many other movies attempt to do: to be so stupid they're good, instead of just plain stupid. Monster in the Closet is a good example. I've never seen a movie like this before, and I probably never will again.

This one has a couple of familiar faces in it. Dr. Pennyworth was played by Henry Gibson (who has been in so many things, but the most memorable for me is Luck of the Irish). The geeky little boy, "Professor," was played by a very young Paul Walker (yes, the same one from the Fast and the Furious movies), and John Carradine had a short role as a blind man searching a closet for his seeing-eye dog.

Troma is an acquired taste, I've come to figure out. I've  never actually met another person who likes them the way that I do. I still have hope, though, that I will find a kindred soul who enjoys cheesy movies that poke fun at themselves.  

#213 -- Slip (2006)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Brian Maris

Slip probably won't seem like a horror movie to you; I know it didn't to me. IMDB classifies it as a thriller, and I agree somewhat. To me, it's a thriller mixed with a crime action/drama. However, just because the horror elements are fewer here, that doesn't mean that it was a bad movie. It just wasn't what I was hoping for.

It was about a girl named Sarah. When she was a little girl, her mother was murdered by a disgruntled co-worker. Ever since she found her mother dead, she developed supernatural abilities. This is one of the few horror elements, as a lot of supernatural thrillers begin this way. Sarah was able to channel the spirits of the dead; spirits who had unfinished business that they took care of through her. She was lucky to never channel evil spirits. The first happened shortly after her mother's death, and she helped a deceased man tell his wife that he loved her. We saw a police officer who was murdered during a bank robbery, and he used Sarah to take down the three murderers. She channeled a woman who died during childbirth, and gave her the chance to see her child for the first--and only--time. But these were small compared to what Sarah had to do next.

She channeled a boy who was murdered by a gang of car thieves. A large sum of money had been stolen from the thugs, and they suspected that the boy knew something about it. The boy knew that his uncle, Cal, would be questioned by them, and possibly killed. He needed Sarah to keep his uncle safe. Sarah and Cal developed a relationship, because he needed her to help him evade the criminals trying to kill him. Sarah was very confident and skilled with a gun, and that definitely came in handy.

Meanwhile, a lunatic was following Sarah. He had the same abilities as Sarah, but he didn't handle them quite as well. He took photos of the people she killed, and he asked them all how to make the voices stop. When they couldn't tell him anything, some man came through him and killed them. That man happened to be the one who murdered Sarah's mother. The lunatic had been in a facility with Sarah, and he thought that, somehow, she knew how to control what he thought were only voices. He was tracking her down to get that information, because he was scared of what the bad man made him do. In the end, all Sarah had to do to make the "voices" stop was forget about the past, and live for each day.

The story was interesting, and the acting was actually quite good. The best actor in the bunch I would have to say is Sky Soleil, who played the lunatic. Jill Small (Sarah) switched between herself and the spirits quite well; but not quite as well as Mr. Soleil, in my opinion. His main character was kind of messed-up, not very intelligent, and he seemed very frightened. But when he channeled the other spirits, he turned into a dark, intelligent, and sinister man. I thought he did an incredible job, and I was really impressed.

Overall, it really wasn't a bad movie, I didn't see the "horror" in it, which I guess is why it's classified as thriller. It might be because horror and the street life don't really mix well. Or maybe because the only horror movies with an urban setting that I'm familiar with are Leprechaun (both times he went to Da Hood), and Killjoy. This was nothing like either of those movies, so maybe it's just because it wasn't what I expected or what I was used to. But I think it was because the focus was mainly on the relationship between the criminals, Cal, and Sarah. It focused on the spirits, of course, because that was the theme. But they weren't present as much as the threat of the thugs catching up to Sarah and Cal. Sarah's spirits weren't sinister or evil; they were simple people with unfinished business. The only sinister spirits were those that were channeled by Sky Soleil's character, and he wasn't in the movie nearly as much as I would have liked.

To me, thrillers are just horror movies that aren't quite horror enough to call themselves horror. Pardon the redundancy. But Slip was an interesting movie with nice characters and a nice feel to it. It had certain elements of horror, drama, romance, and tearjerker. So I guess it can appeal to just about anyone. You won't feel your time was wasted with this one.

#212 -- Daddy's Girl (1996)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Martin Kitrosser

There's something about killer children that's terrifying; everyone knows that. But there's something about this child that was annoying. I thought it was going to be better than it was; from the synopsis Netflix gave me, I thought it was going to be about a scary little killer child killing everyone in sight. But I was wrong.

It was about Jody, a sweet little 11 year-old girl with some dark secrets. When she was four years old, she watched her mother shoot her father. After that, she was between foster parents. Her first foster mother was killed when she fell down the stairs. She was taken away from her family and sent to a new one. Her new family loved her very much, especially her new father (William Katt, Greatest American Hero). She really loved her Daddy too, and she would do anything to make sure that she didn't lose him like she lost her last daddy. Jody got in trouble a lot at school for fighting with other kids and  misbehaving. Her principal was going to try to send her to boarding school so they could help her. But that meant that she wouldn't be able to live with her Daddy anymore, and she didn't like that idea. So she snuck into school and pushed a bookshelf over on her principal.

Her grandmother didn't like her father, because he was a toymaker trying desperately to make his first sale. He wasn't bringing any money into the house, and Grandma wasn't happy about it. It took her a few tries to kill Granny, but she finally got it right after a while. Her mother wasn't happy with her dad either, because she was tired to being the only person bringing in money. She was talking to her friend, who was a divorce lawyer, because she wasn't sure she could handle the marriage any longer. Jody knew the lawyer friend had to go as well. But Mommy still wasn't sure if she still wanted to be with Daddy, and she was thinking about leaving and taking Jody with her, so Mommy had to go too. And the social worker who was probably going to take Jody away again? Well, he had to go too, of course.

The only person who really thought Jody was up to no good was her father's niece, Karen. Karen did some digging on Jody to figure out if anything in her past could help figure out what was wrong with her. Jody didn't like that Karen was causing trouble. Instead of killing Karen, she told lies about her to make it look like Karen was the crazy one. She said that Karen wanted to be her mommy, and that Karen was killing all these people so that she could have Jody all to herself.

This movie was okay; it definitely wasn't great by any means, but it wasn't horrible either. Jody wasn't really terrifying, as I'd hoped. She was just a badly behaved little girl, and her fear solutions were irrational. The only reason she might have been taken away from her family was because she misbehaved; so everything would have been fine and she just started being a good little girl. But instead of behaving herself, she decided she'd just kill everyone. That's why I thought she was a bit annoying. She was just a little brat who didn't want to behave. Of course, she was troubled by watching her mother kill her father, but she was given more than enough love by her new family. With some help, she would have been able to learn to deal with that.

The end was disappointing, because nothing really happened. I don't know if Jody got to stay with her family, or if she was maybe sent to an institution. I don't know what happened to her, or what happened to her mother (because, like Granny, the first murder attempt was not successful). It was abrupt and gave no resolution to the problem. Overall, it was an all right movie that could have been a lot better.

#210 -- Mother's Day (2010)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Darren Lynn Bousman

I didn't realize when I first started watching this that it was a remake. I didn't know until afterwards that it's a remake of a Troma movie. Now I feel like an ass because I watched this having known nothing about the original, which was released by my favorite film company ever. From what I can tell, this one is pretty different from the original. It's got a couple of the same characters, but I think the old one probably leans more toward horror than this one. This one was more of an action-thriller to me, and there wasn't really much horror to it.

Three brothers attempted to rob a bank, only to have their fourth accomplice betray them and run away with the money. They return to their home only to find out that it's not their home any more. The Sohapi couple won the house in a foreclosure, and the boys' mother was not able to let them in on it. They were not happy when they realized someone else was living in their house, and they took the new owners and their friends hostage. One of the brothers was badly injured and, thankfully, there was a doctor in the house. They needed him to ensure that their brother lived, so he was safe...for a while. In fact, everyone was pretty much safe. Until Mother arrived.

Mother was one sadistic bitch. The hostages were each tortured, by burning water, by being lit on fire, and other things. There was even some attempted rape, where Mother tried to help her injured son get some lovin'. That was the most disturbing part for me. To see this woman actually taking down her son's pants so he could rape a girl...it was truly disgusting. The thing was...the three boys, plus a young girl who didn't seem to belong in the family at all, were not actually her children. She'd abducted them from hospitals, which is why she refused to take her dying son to one. She didn't want anyone to find out what she'd done.

The woman who lived in the house was pregnant, and this caused her to become quite vicious herself. Mother only wanted to get her children to safety. She wanted her injured son to be taken care of, and she wanted to get her other children out of the country so she didn't lose them. She was only looking after her own. Beth was doing the same. She became a monster in her own right while trying to save her unborn child. This was especially important to her since her six year-old son had died not long before, and this was her second chance at being a mother. Beth and Mother actually had a lot in common. But would Beth's attempts prove successful?

I actually thought this was a good movie. I don't know how I'll feel about it once I've seen Troma's version, but as it is right now, I enjoyed it. It wasn't really much of a horror movie, but it was enough to keep my interest the entire time. It never got boring. I would have liked to see more suspense, though.

#203 -- Remains (2011)

Rating: 3.5 / 5
Director: Colin Theys


Remains is a Chiller movie based on a comic book that I'd be really interested in reading. I guess it's a made for TV movie, but it can be found on DVD at Wal-Mart, and obviously I watched it on Netflix. So television isn't the only outlet to view this one. I think this is the first Chiller original movie, and if it's any indication, I've got high hopes for whatever they create in the future.


Yeah, it's a zombie movie; and no, I can't honestly tell you that it's not like all the other zombie movies out there. But it did have some things I'd never seen before, like a zombie barking at another zombie because it didn't want to share its food. There are a shit load of zombie movies out there, and really, there's only so much you can do with an undead flesh-eater. Though I have seen some very original zombie movies, it seems like everything has already been done with that sub-genre. But of course, people keep making them.

 Zombies are like a film-making magnet; everyone wants to work with them. They are all very similar, things seem to repeat themselves after a while, and they can get tedious--we, as viewers are drawn to them as well. Everyone just loves zombies, and there's a perfectly good reason for that: they're fucking awesome. The zombies in Remains were no different; they were pretty great.

The apocalypse was started by a nuke that released a sort of radiation into the area, infecting everyone with that dreaded Z-virus. A group of people trapped in a casino in Reno, Nevada try to stay alive and find a safer place to stay. Among the survivors is Tom, the manly man; Tori, the skanky bitch; Vincent, the muscle that only thinks about himself; and Jensen, the kind of nerdy gay guy that I really loved. Jensen was played by Miko Hughes, who was the extremely adorable kid in Pet Sematary. He's all grown up and not looking too shabby, but that's besides the point. Eventually, they are discovered by some military people who steal all their food and leave, but not before shooting Jensen in the head for no reason (which I was extremely upset about, by the way). One of the military folk come back because all the rest were killed, but there doesn't really seem to be a point to her being there. The initial characters--Tom, Tori, and Jensen--worked well together. She was just filler, it seemed like. But I wasn't bothered, because she was played by Tawny Cypress from Heroes, so it was nice seeing her again.

What I liked about the zombies in this one was how they acted. They did not like sharing their food, which they actually picked clean, down to the bone. There was no leaving people half-eaten in the street. They didn't waste a damn thing. Also, after a while they started getting faster and stronger. It's weird, because you'd think after so much decomposition going on, they'd actually get weaker. But I guess being dead isn't what we living folks think it would be. The survivors were not smart by any means. They just couldn't seem to grasp the idea that gunshots attracted zombies, and they shot their guns off all the time for no reason. Once, they located a spotlight that they planned to use to get the attention of the military people. It was hooked up to a stereo system that played super loud music, and they woke up all the zombies on the street. Oh yes, the zombies sleep here. But they don't sleep during the day and stalk at night, as most people would expect. They're actually just like us (apparently they pee too, but thankfully you won't have to witness that). Even though the survivors were pretty stupid, the zombies couldn't quite catch them. Since there was no live food for them, they started eating each other, and sometimes themselves. But with all that, the zombies didn't seem to be focal points. They were there, sure, and they were menacing and to be feared. But it was the relationships between the survivors that was the most interesting and worrisome part. No one (except Jensen and Tom) could be trusted. People were turning on each other, leaving their fellow man to die, and sometimes even purposely putting someone else into the line of fire, so to speak. I was constantly on the lookout for what they might do to each other to save their own asses.

So, overall, Chiller's first original movie was a hit for me. I'm looking forward to what they put out next.

#201 -- The Gravedancers (2006)

Rating: 3.5 / 5
Director: Mike Mendez

The synopsis that Netflix gave me about this movie seemed pretty generic. It seemed like it could end up being just like any other ghost story out there. It said that three friends were haunted by the ghosts of people from graves they danced on. The thing that got me was that it said they were Irish. Anyone who knows me knows that when you mention the beautiful "I" word, I'm  sold. So I thought, "Ooh, Irish people!" But don't be fooled. These people were as American as you and I. I'm not sure why they wanted to trick us into thinking they were Irish. But that didn't stop me from enjoying this entry into the After Dark Horror Fest. I've always been interested in watching these movies, and I'm actually not sure if I've seen any of them already. I don't usually pay attention to that. The Gravedancers started out good; it played out really well throughout the majority of the movie, but it was the ending that lost it that .5 in my rating. It wasn't all that different from other ghost stories, but it was the characterization that I really enjoyed.

The title can tell you why things went sour for these three friends, but I'll give you a little bit more. Harris, Kiera and Sid's friend had recently passed away in a car accident. Harris and Kiera attended the funeral, but Sid didn't feel the need. He said that their friend wouldn't want them sitting around and crying over him; he'd want them to be celebrating his life, rather than mourning his death. So they decided to go back to the cemetery and have a little private wake for him. They had wine--a little too much of it--and Sid found a card on their friends tombstone. It was a little poem instructing them to live life for the day, and to "dance on their resting spot." Out came the boom-box, and they started dancing over three grave spots.

Not long afterwards, they started experiencing some scary things. The story centered mostly on Harris and his wife Allison. The weird things started with strange sounds in their house. They thought it was the pipes at first, but they figured out soon enough that there was much more to it than that. Then their piano started playing beautiful music by itself. When a mysterious and scary woman appeared in their house, they decided to do some searching. They visited Kiera, only to discover that she'd been badly hurt. She wouldn't let anyone touch her, because she said, "He doesn't like it when other people touch me." They discovered that all three of them were experiencing these phenomena. Sid called on some paranormal investigators to help them, and they dug up the secrets of the occupants of the three graves. They were all buried in the section of the cemetery that was saved for psychos.

One was a little boy named Dennis. He had set his house on fire, killing his entire family; it was supposedly accidental, but the locals didn't believe so. One was a piano player named Emma. She had an affair with some man, and when he broke it off she wasn't happy. She murdered the man and his wife with an axe, and was found bloodied and playing their piano. The last was a man named William. He was a judge and a very respected man throughout the community. After his death, people discovered that he'd been running a torture chamber in his basement.

The paranormal investigators found that the curse lasted only one month, and when the sun rose on the last day, the curse would be over. Or when they all died--whichever came first. The only way to end the curse before anyone lost their lives was to bury the bodies in new graves, since their old graves had been desecrated. But one of the investigators wasn't completely trustworthy, so when they thought everything was over, it was only just getting started.

I've come to really enjoy ghost stories. There's just something about the unknown and invisible that is terrifying. And when they show themselves, it truly is horrifying. The ghosts in The Gravedancers were definitely creepy as hell, and they were awesome. All of the film-making aspects of the movie were good, but the ending was disappointing for me. With about ten-fifteen minutes left, it became silly and Scooby Doo-ish, with computer animated flying ghost heads chasing them around the house; and giant ghostly hands pulling them underground. But I was glad it waited until it was almost over to get silly, because the rest of the movie was actually quite good. I was going to give it a four point rating, but once I got the urge to say, "Ruh-Roh!" that was pretty much over. Overall, I'd definitely recommend it. The ending is cheesy, but it doesn't ruin the entire movie. It's definitely worth a watch.

#197 -- Marebito (2004)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Takashi Shimizu

May contain spoilers

If I was able to understand the ideas behind this movie, I would have probably enjoyed it a lot more. I could travel through the depths of the internet to find such things, but I lack the energy and interest to do so. I feel like there was a psychological or philosophical message to be portrayed here, but I just didn't get it. Shimizu failed to fully convey his messages, at least to a simpleton like myself.

It is about a freelance cameraman, Masuoka, who carries his camera everywhere he goes. He should be pitied, since he is unable to live life fully. He only sees things as they appear through his camera's lens. He is a cameraman by day and a voyeur by night, as he shoots windows and doors, hoping to get a glimpse of the goings on inside. He sees a woman staring out into the street, ponders what she searches for, and dubs her a paranoid whose soul he has saved by recording her. He believes that the images he captures are spirits, but that is not what he is looking for. Ghosts are a normal part of life for a lot of people, and they are not to be feared; fear is what he is searching for. He records a man committing suicide by stabbing himself in the eye. He notices the fear in the man's eyes, and believes that he cut out his eye to avoid seeing whatever it was that scared him so badly. Masuoka wishes to experience this kind of terror; he wants to see what the man saw before taking his own life. While watching the video, the man's eyes look directly at Masuko, causing him to have some terrifying visions of strange underground human-like creatures. This leads him to the subway and down, down below Tokyo and into the netherworld.

He meets a couple of people (one being the ghost of the man who killed himself) who tell him about the creatures: Deros (detrimental robots). They are some sort of bloodsucking creatures, and are to be greatly feared. He keeps traveling, until his comes to a beautiful landscape he calls The Mountains of Madness. In a cave among these mountains, he finds a beautiful young girl in chains. He takes her home to his apartment, names her F, and tries to take care of her.

He's informed by a mysterious man on the telephone that he isn't doing his part, and that F will die there if he doesn't shape up. He soon realizes that F feeds solely on blood, and begins to feed her himself. When the fear of dying (not because he doesn't want to, but because he is afraid of what will happen to her when he's gone) takes over, he begins giving her animal corpses to feed on. When it seems like the animals aren't enough, and F becomes weaker and weaker, he begins bringing her a human supply. He meets a woman who claims his daughter Fuyumi is missing (though he denies even having a daughter), and he kills her in an alley. He also kills a young high school girl. He fills baby bottles with their blood and takes them home to F.

After a while of this, he feels let down. He says that even the murder of two innocent women wasn't enough to drive him completely insane, which is what he really wanted. He wanted to feel the madness. But then he admits to killing his wife, and turning his daughter into an animal, so I'm sure it's clear that he was, indeed, insane. He ends up back in the cave with F (or Fuyumi), bloody, with her smiling down on him. In his eyes? Complete and utter terror. So I guess it's a happy ending; he got what he wanted.

The imagery was pretty good in Marebito. I really enjoyed the netherworld scenes, but they didn't last long enough in my opinion. I would've liked for the entire movie to take place in Underground Tokyo, because that premise was very interesting. I don't think this was meant to be a shocking horror, but rather a psychological one. It was meant to show the downfall of Masuoka, and the loss of his sanity. I think there might have been some other messages, but I didn't feel it. I liked my initial belief that F was some sort of underground dwelling creature, and that Masuoka had truly stumbled into the Netherworld. When that belief was shattered, the movie was ruined for me. Sometimes I am able to look deeper into the meanings of movies, but sometimes I'm a complete simpleton--like now. I just didn't see it, and the movie failed for me, but I didn't hate it. It was interesting, even if it wasn't one of my favorite J-horrors.

#194 -- Quarantine (2008)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: John Erick Dowdle

A lot of people seem to like the "found footage" type of movies. I've heard people say they're wonderful because they make things more believable. If it seems like everything is being tape right as it's happening, of course it's easier to believe. But I have a few problems with that. First: who in their right mind would think to continue lugging a camera around to record the awful things going on? Personally, I'd drop the camera and run. I wouldn't care about catching anything on film; I'd be worried about getting my ass out of there alive. The only reason they continue carrying the camera around is so that we can see what's happening. That completely ruins the whole "it makes it more believable" thing. Second, since this person is carrying the camera while running for their life, things are really jumpy. It's hard to follow what's happening; it's hard to tell what's happening to which people. It just makes the whole movie hard to follow. I'm not a fan of this kind of film-making, but I will remain optimistic. I think that if a movie is made well enough, even this can work. Quarantine was not that movie. I've only seen one other movie like this, and that was The Blair Witch Project. I hated Blair Witch, and I will admit that this one was a lot better. But I still didn't like it. It wasn't just the found footage aspect of it. I was with it (for the most part) up until the end; that's where it was ruined for me.

It started off at a fire house. A reporter, Angela, was doing some kind of documentary on the firemen. So, the first five or ten minutes was her getting a tour of the firehouse and interviewing firemen. That would be very interesting if I was looking to watch a documentary on firemen; but I wasn't. It seemed to start off slow to me. When the firemen got a call, Angela and her camera man went along with them. It wasn't a fire they were chasing, but an elderly woman who was possibly in trouble. The landlord of the apartment called them because he'd heard screaming coming from her apartment. When they arrived, the woman attacked a policeman. The policemen, the firemen, Angela and her camera man, and all the residents grouped up in the lobby; they all discovered that they were locked inside.

The authorities had--shocker!--quarantined them inside the building. There was a doctor among them, and he looked at the two people who had been injured up to that point. He said they showed signs of rabies, and everyone learned later that it started with a sick dog that infected other dogs, blah blah. So it was some kind of mutated strain of the rabies virus that was turning people into crazy flesh-eaters.

While everyone was getting attacked and turning into monsters, our camera man never failed at his job. He kept rolling, even after being chased, falling down stairs, etc. He and Angela ended up being the last two (how else would we learn how it ended?), and they found some creepy stuff in the basement. I think the landlord created the virus for whatever reason; it was called the Armageddon virus (according to a newspaper clipping), and I think it started with rats. There were cages all over the basement, and some infected person up in a crawlspace. All of this could have been great without the found footage thing. I like the story, but it was hard to follow because of all the jumpy shooting. I also had a problem with the ending. It was abrupt, and there was no resolution. I like for things to be resolved; for some solution to be found. I guess because I'm a woman, I like a happy ending. Or at least an ending of some sort. Quarantine didn't really have one. So it was okay up until that point, but the ending ruined it for me. Again, it's a lot better than the other movie I've seen of this sort. But I still wouldn't call it amazing. 

#192 -- The Uh-Oh Show (2009)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Herschell Gordon Lewis

When I found this movie on Blockbuster.com, I knew I had to see it. The synopsis Blockbuster gave me made me think of Slashers, one of my favorite horror-comedies. I thought this might be a little bit like Slashers (where they put contestants in a building with three people trying to kill them), but it's just a little bit different. It's still a game show where people get hurt, but there are some differences.

In the Uh-Oh Show, contestants have to answer questions asked by their lovely host Jackie. Each correct answer is awarded with fabulous (and ridiculous) prizes. Prizes like their own limousines, trips with movie stars, millions of dollars, fancy cars, etc. But if they get a question wrong, out comes Radial Saw Rex: a big, half-naked black dude in a top hat. One of their beautiful ladies spins the big wheel, and whatever body part it lands on, Radial Saw Rex saws it off with his handy saw. You can see, from the photo I've provided, what the categories are: Nose, leg, "our call," ear, arm, "down there," Ugh!, and Melt Down. Most of them are self-explanatory. When it landed on Melt Down, they electrocuted their victim, setting him on fire. After missing a question and losing a vital body part, the contestants, of course, still get the prizes they won by answering the previous questions right--though most people don't make it past the second question. They always promise to reattach their body parts, but I noticed they never really honor that promise. One lady had someone else's arm attached. It was burnt up, and they put it on backwards. But apparently having their body parts sawed off doesn't even hurt them. In fact, they seem to enjoy it.

Uh-oh!

When a reporter named Jill's boyfriend decides to go on the show, because they desperately need the money, Jill is very worried. When her boyfriend goes missing afterwards, she knows something is up, so she does a little digging. The creator of the show gets the opportunity to do a spin off that will get him a lot more money, but two of their stars don't want any part of it. It's the host, Jackie, and one of the girls, Champagne. So, they are fired, and they go to Jill's aid, along with a super-fan and Jill's friend Oscar. They find out that the contestants don't get any prizes at all (that's why they're able to offer such extravagant things; because they don't intend to give away any of it), and they all end up in the meat factory. So, what can they do to be sure no one else falls prey to the Uh-Oh Show? Stay tuned to find out!

All kidding aside (though that's hard when talking about a movie like this), this was actually quite interesting. It wasn't the best thing in the world, but I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. It was silly--okay, it was downright stupid. But it wasn't horrible. The acting was okay, and it seemed purposely over the top, which is fine with me. The effects were okay; nothing spectacular, but not the worst I've ever seen either. Oh, and Lloyd Kaufman had a cameo as a pimp, so that was a plus. There was also random commentary from some weird dude wearing a turban; that weird guy happened to be director Herschell Gordon Lewis.

I don't think anyone will expect a masterpiece going into this. As long as you've got that mindset, and you're not expecting it to become your new favorite movie, I think you might enjoy it. It was entertaining and silly, with over the top gore--Yay! So, was it everything I'd hoped it would be. No, it wasn't. I still love Slashers a lot more. But I wasn't disappointed with it, since I expected it to be exactly what it was--cheap laughs, cheap thrills, and short-time enjoyment.

#187 -- Killer Pad (2008)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Robert Englund

Yeah, you read that right. This movie was directed by Robert motherfucking Englund. Now, I wasn't extremely impressed with the first of his movies I saw (9-7-6 Evil), so I wasn't expecting much from this one. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't really good either. This one was way more of a comedy than it was a horror movie, and I'm not really sure why it was on Fearnet's VOD. It felt like one of those American Pie wannabe college party movies. The guys in this (Brody, Craig, and Doug) were in their early twenties, just moved out of their parents'  houses, and moved out to California to start their lives over. They were lucky enough to run into Winnie, a cute little Asian realtor lady played by Bobby Lee. Yes, Bobby Lee in drag. Winnie gave them a good deal on an amazing house, and it all seemed too good to be true. Well, that's because it was. On the way to their new house, they got lost. They ran into a Mexican guy who tried to warn them of the evil in the house, but he spoke only Spanish  and they couldn't understand him. They heard him say El Diablo, but they couldn't put it together; they thought he wanted some hot sauce, so they threw some ketchup at him and drove away. He kept trying to warn them; he even showed up at the house, became possessed, ripped his own heart out and ate it, then jumped from the balcony. They just thought he was a squatter, playing a trick on them so that they'd leave, and him and his squatter friends could keep on living there. Their second hint that something wasn't right was a coyote in their basement. Along with the coyote, there was a weird pit of red mist, that felt hot to the touch, and so obviously was a portal to the underworld. They joked about this over a nice bong, but never really thought anything more of it.

Some hot girls showed up one day and suggested that they have a house-warming party, so they could get to know some of the people around town. So they made flyers, and had one giant shindig. Among the party-goers was Andy Milonakis (a huge nerd), and Joey Lawrence (playing himself, trying to find his way to Toby Macguire's house). Andy almost got to touch some boobies, but his efforts were thwarted by a midget porn star. Joey killed himself accidentally, I think, with some kind of razors on his motorcycle gloves. Let's see...there was a big, lesbian-looking lady who got sucked down the toilet and then shat on by a fat guy. There was also a priest (played by Jeff Davis, from Who's Line is it, Anyway?): a guy who used to be friends with Brody, Craig and Doug. He was at the party to face his demons, to be sure that he was ready to become a full fledged member of the church. His demons won, however, and he ended up saving the day with a wonderful rendition of "Rock and Roll All Night" by Kiss.

When I type all of this out, it does sound pretty freakin' awesome. There were some pretty funny parts, especially when the guys threw ketchup at the Mexican. They said, "Don't be such a food snob! Give ketchup a chance!" And they referred to it as "white people hot sauce." But anyways, there were some good, funny parts. Those guys were all extremely stupid. And I mean they were dumb as shit. But I guess they had to be. It wouldn't have been the same otherwise. So it was funny, but most of the time it was just stupid. There was nothing funny enough to make me love it, and there definitely wasn't enough horror here. Sure, there were some sexy ass demons, and Satan in a way I've never seen him/her before. But at the end of the day, it was just another okay movie that I could've lived without seeing.

#184 -- Return of the Living Dead 2 (1988)

Rating: 3.5 / 5
Director: Ken Wiederhorn

When I reviewed the first ROTLD movie, I went on an on about how amazing it was, which is absolutely true. This will always be one of my favorite horror series. This one is your typical bad sequel. The first was a horror-comedy, there's no doubt about that. But it had a good balance of horror and humor. It seems like part 2 tried to top the first, but it just ended up being silly. It didn't live up to its predecessor--not even close--but it's not all that bad.

Thom Matthews, James Karen, and Jonathan Terry return for this second installment. Thom and James are no longer Frank and Freddy; now they're Ed and Joey. Jonathan is still colonel Glover, who just can't seem to keep his deadly chemicals under control. Everything starts out when a couple of troublemaking kids stumble across the 245 Trioxin. They're curious, of course, and they open up the container. There's a new, and less awesome, version of Tarman, and of course the gas leaks out into the cemetery nearby (you'd think the military would know enough not to dump the shit next to the cemetery, just to be safe). Of the three kids, one flees, and the other two breathe in the gas. One we never see again, but the other turns into a boring zombie who doesn't do much of anything except stare at Jesse (our main guy) menacingly. Meanwhile, a couple of graverobbers (Matthews and Karen) are in a crypt stealing a dead woman's head. They stick it in what appears to be a bowling ball bag, steal her jewelry, and then stumble out onto a graveyard full of zombies. Our group ends up being Jesse (the comic-book-reading kid), his sister Lucy, a cable installation guy, a doctor, Joey, Ed, and Joey's girlfriend Brenda. There's also Billy's (the boring zombie kid) parents, but they're unimportant and die pretty quickly. So, apparently the military evacuates the town without this group knowing about it. They're stuck in a desolate town, and every attempt to get out results in being shot at by the soldiers. Because apparently soldiers aren't taught to check out who they're shooting at before they shoot.

This thing is actually credited as Tarman. Oh, the shame!

One of the problems is that we can't really care about any of the characters. They're all pretty bland, and all they do is scream and cry until the end credits roll. The only characters we're really able to care about are Joey and Ed, and that's only because we saw the actors in the first film, and we're already attached to them. But Ed is fucking annoying, and I was really glad when he finally got his brains eaten. At least he stopped crying. The other problem is the over-the-top attempt to beat out the first movie in laughs. There were a couple of good laughs. One was the head in the bag. It got stabbed with a screwdriver and it wasn't happy about it: "Get this screwdriver out of my damn head!" That head also had the last laugh, saying, "Okay, no more brains, you win," right before the credits rolled.

A lot of sequels seem to have this problem. The first movie is amazing, and the sequel just turns out to be shit. I wouldn't really call it shit, but it's definitely less amazing than the first. Luckily, the series picks up again with Return of the Living Dead 3, which I absolutely love. But this one...I could take it or leave it. There's nothing amazing or memorable about it.

Some more screen caps, 'cause I can

#182 -- Twisted Sisters (2006)

Rating: 3 / 5
Director: Wolfgang Buld

This one stars Fiona Horsey, the girl with the killer vagina from Angst. It also stars Paul Conway, who was her love interest Dennis in that movie. This time he's a detective, and he's not so keen on her. The first thing we see is a woman picking a man up in a bar. We can tell right away that she's a bit of a whore, and things probably won't turn out very well for her. She takes that man back to his apartment, where she sleeps with him and then butchers and castrates him. That's her thing: sex, slaughter, castration. The sex seems kind of painful for her, and my first thought was, "Uh-oh, another case of vagina dentata?" But we learn later that the pain is emotional, rather than physical.

Then we meet Jennifer. She's a business woman with a pretty great life. She's got a wonderful boyfriend, Alan, a great job that she loves, and she's expecting her first child. Things are looking great for her, until a detective shows up who suspects her of murder. She gets roped into a murder investigation she knows nothing about, and she has no idea of how to get out of it. See, the thing is, there were witnesses who saw her with all of the men who were murdered. Even though she knows that she didn't kill anyone, she doesn't see a way out of it. It becomes even more stressful for her when the detective shows her a video of a woman with the man that  was murdered not long before. The woman looks exactly like her. When her parents hear of her situation, they let her know that she was adopted, and that she had a twin sister, Norah.

The story is that Jennifer and Norah's mother was raped, and their father was so outraged by this that he killed her, before taking his own life. Norah was sent to live with her aunt and uncle. They didn't want Jennifer because she cried too much, and she was adopted by a wonderful and loving couple. Norah wasn't so lucky. Her uncle was an abusive pedophile who liked to rape Norah on a nightly basis. She became pregnant with his child, and this ruined her ability to have any children in the future. It's understandable that she'd be a little fucked in the head. She said that she got pleasure from people hurting her, which is why she did what she did. Even though she was doing most of the hurting in those situations. I think the sex itself was painful for her, because she'd been traumatized by the act at a young age. But she hated--absolutely despised--Jennifer for having the life she thought she deserved. Her main goal was to destroy her sister, out of jealousy and anger. One night, she drugged Jennifer with some sleeping medicine, so that she could bring a man to her house and kill him. She hoped that this would prove to the police, without a doubt, that Jennifer was the murderer. She hoped that was what it would take to ruin Jennifer's life. Unfortunately for her, the police discovered that Jennifer did, indeed, have a twin sister, and that she'd been institutionalized. They finally believed her. Jennifer and Alan went to stay at a vacation home to get away from all the drama, but they didn't plan on Norah following them. When Alan was away, Norah tied Jennifer up in the attic, and she took her place. She lived with Alan for a little while, and she finally knew what real happiness was. She said she could see herself falling in love with him.

But Jennifer wouldn't have it. She escaped from the basement, and was on her way to end her evil sister, when the detectives showed up. Of course, they mistook Jennifer for Norah, and the other way around, and Jennifer got shot.

She survived, but would there be a way to get her old life back? Would anyone believe that she was Jennifer, and not her sister?

I will say that Fiona Horsey was pretty hot in this one. She was the sexy lady who fucks shit up, which is actually quite a terrifying thing. They called her "the devil with the angel's face." I wouldn't really call Norah anything even close to an angel, because she was definitely a very bad girl in every sense of the phrase. The guys knew it; that's why they were so drawn to her. She was easy, and she was always willing. It was also sad to see such a good girl roped into something so twisted. And twisted it was (hence the title). Norah was fucking vicious. She put a stick of firecrackers in one guy's ass, and blew his guts all to hell. Most just got castrated, which was simple enough, but the end result was far from pretty. And she was laughing while she was doing all of this. But I think the title was wrong. It should have been called One Twisted Bitch. Because Jennifer wasn't twisted at all. Of course. Girls named Jennifer can't be anything but sweethearts.

So, this one was quite interesting. I enjoyed it, but my problem was there wasn't very much suspense. We knew early on that Jennifer wasn't the killer. We believed it for a minute, but that illusion was shattered when the stranger in the hood and sunglasses (Norah) began following Jennifer. It was pretty obvious that someone else was involved. It became suspenseful for me when Norah had Jennifer tied up in the attic. I was worried that Jennifer wouldn't be able to get free; that she would starve or drown in her own piss, or something. I was also worried that Norah was going to kill Alan, but I think she had truly found happiness with him, and the fact that she'd finally ruined Jennifer's life. But in the end, it was an enjoyable movie, and I would recommend it.

#176 -- The Bride (1985)

Director: Franc Roddam
Rating: 3 / 5

If you know anything about me, you know that I expected absolutely nothing from this. I wanted to watch it to see just how much I hated it. But, surprisingly, I didn't hate it. I didn't love it, but I was surprised that it didn't make me foam at the mouth with rage. The Bride is a dramatic re-imagining of the classic film The Bride of Frankenstein. It is dramatic in the sense that it is very different, and in that it is a dramatic movie. Where the original ended when the monster met his bride, that is where this one begins. The first thing you'll notice is that the monster isn't the hideous creature we've come to associate with the title. He's no hunk, but he is not frightening and repulsive. The monster's bride, Eva (Jennifer Beals, Flashdance), is very beautiful, but she is frightened by him at first. After being rejected, the monster accidentally starts a fire which presumably leaves him dead. However, he escapes into the woods, where he meets a dwarf named Rinaldo, who names him Viktor, and they run away to the circus together. At the circus, they develop a cute little trapeze act, in which the monster wears a dress and screams, "My baby!" as Rinaldo dangles from the trapeze. Rinaldo then fakes dizziness and falls, only to be saved by a harness. On one instance, though, a fellow carny tampers with his harness, and Rinaldo is killed. Outraged, Viktor kills the man who took his only friend's life, and then flees back home, with jewels to give Eva as a token of his love for her.

Meanwhile, Dr. Frankenstein (Sting) is teaching Eva to be a very respectable woman. She is beautiful, elegant, and sophisticated. His plan was to create a woman who was equal to man; a woman who was strong and independent with her own mind. He succeeds in his plan, but soon discovers that he doesn't like this woman very much. She is too rebellious, and she refuses to obey his every command. He wishes to marry her, but she wants no such thing. Eva meets Viktor in the woods, but she doesn't remember him at first. When Dr. Frankenstein decides to make Eva his, whether she approves or not, Viktor barges in to save her from the attempted rape, killing Dr. Frankenstein in the process.

I found this movie on Fearnet On Demand, so I suppose it is classified as a horror movie, but I'm not sure why. Probably because it is based on the famous Dr. Frankenstein and his creations. The originals were undeniably horror, though they were beautifully tragic stories. This one is more of a sad drama. The monster did meet his mate again at the end, though I'm not sure if there was any love between them. There was definitely friendship, as they were kindred souls created from parts of the dead. It was a nice, happy ending that worked really well with the rest of the movie. It was different, but that wasn't really a bad thing. I expected to hate it, but it really wasn't a horrible movie. It was well made, and all of the actors were great. It was a different view of a classic story, and it worked. It's probably one of the best I've found On Demand so far. So don't go into this close-minded, as I did. Sure, it's a remake of a movie that we all know and love, but it's so much different that it can almost be considered a different movie entirely. It's not the best thing in the world, but it's by far not the worst. The only problem I had was that it was a tad bit boring. It was slow, but I guess that's because of the dramatic atmosphere of it. There wasn't a lot of action, and there wasn't any horror whatsoever. If you go into this one with an open mind, and don't expect it to be garbage, you might be able to appreciate it.

#174 -- Vile (2011)

Director: Taylor Sheridan
Rating: 3 / 5

When you read the synopsis of this movie, it's going to be intriguing. It's going to make you think that this thing has some potential and that it might be interesting. Both are true, but there are some things that make it disappointing, and those things cause it to lose a couple of points. It all starts when a group of friends picks up a female hitchhiker. When they reach her destination, she spews some gas at them, rendering them unconscious. They wake up in a strange house with a group of strangers, and they've all got vials implanted in the back of their heads. A talking head on a TV screen tells them that these vials must be filled with some brain fluid that is released when the body tells the brain something is wrong. In other words, they must be in extreme pain for these chemicals to be released. One of the guys actually points out that these chemicals can also be released during sex. But all the girls are so repulsed by that idea that they would rather torture themselves. Personally, I'd take the sex any day. But that wouldn't be much of a horror movie, though, would it? I think leaving that remark out of the script entirely would have made the characters look 98% less stupid. So, they all take turns getting the shit beat out of them, having their fingernails ripped out, being seared with an iron/boiling water, and other such torturous things. They have twenty two hours to fill the vials all the way up. There's a second vial in their skulls that will release some deadly thing that will kill them. So if they refused to participate in their host's twisted little game, it's lights out for them.

Okay, there are a couple of ways that this movie fails. First, the characters aren't all that great. There was only one character that I really cared about, and that was only because she was pregnant. But [spoiler alert] she dies anyway, so it doesn't matter. There was another character that I kind of liked, but that didn't end very well either. They were all shallow, cowardly, and they didn't care about anything but their own asses. There were a few who wanted to help everyone get out of there alive, but most were just vain assholes. Maybe that was a reflection of humans and their complete disregard and disrespect for one another, but it just made the characters easy to hate.

Second, you would think that being in the torture porn subgenre of horror, there'd be a little bit of blood, right? Fuck no, you'd think there'd be a whole shitload of blood. Well, there's just a little bit. There isn't all that much gore, and the torture methods are repeated so they can remain humane and not hurt each other too much. Fuck that, I say. Sure, that's the right thing to do, and I'd do the same thing in that situation. But that's not what I want to see in a movie that boasts about torture and calls itself "vile". I want to see people get seriously fucked up. One man did get pretty fucked up, but it didn't last long enough to really save it. I would have liked to have seen a little more variation, and a little more creativity. Fingernail pulling and burning is pretty bland, yes? There were some that made me cringe, but that's not really what I was looking for.

Lastly, the ending. [spoiler alert]It was disappointing for me, because like I said above, the pregnant chick dies. How are you gonna kill off the one person I was able to care about? I mean, really? I will say, though, that the last few lines of the movie had me giggling.

Despite all of that, I wouldn't call this a terrible movie, as other reviewers do. It kept me interested, because I wanted to see what they were going to do to each other. It failed on a couple of points, but there were some things I liked about it as well. I think was more on an emotional level. It was what people will do to each other in order to save their own lives; or what they will do to themselves to save their lives. I think the movie was going for a deeper sort of entertainment, and it succeeded somewhat, but not completely. It gets a three point rating because it was okay, but it could have been a lot better.

#173 -- Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (2006)

Director: Chad Ferrin
Rating: 3.5 / 5

Most people would be turned off by a title like that, turn around, ignore it and forget they ever saw it. But me? I see something like that, and my first--and only--thought is "I have to see it." Something that seems so completely ridiculous is strangely intriguing. It could be utter shit, yes. But it could also be total brilliance. Don't judge a book by its cover. Or, don't judge a movie by its title. In this case, it really wasn't either shit or brilliance. But it wasn't bad. It was about a woman named Mindy and her very "special" son Nicholas. Mindy had a new boyfriend, who happened to be a murderer and a thief, and Nicholas didn't like Remington too much. Rem seemed like he could have been a nice father figure for Nicholas, since his real father had been dead for nearly ten years. He seemed accepting and kind, and Mindy was very excited to finally meet a man like him. She worked as a nurse, and had to work a double shift on Nicholas' favorite holiday, Easter. She trusted Remington to take care of her son while she was away at work (since she'd just fired her nanny and her handy man for being assholes). But as soon as Mindy left the house, Remington's true colors were revealed. Where he initially seemed to be an okay guy, he was actually a hateful and abusive man. Any time Nicholas did or said something that didn't please him, he threatened to kill his new pet bunny (Nicholas got the bunny as a gift from a creepy homeless man, played by Trent Haaga). What's even worse than that is Remington didn't plan to stay and watch Nicholas at all. Instead, he called his freaky pedophile friend to come play with him. Pedophile Ray had a box of goodies he couldn't wait to share with Nicholas, and was left alone with him while Rem went off to score some hookers. Fortunately, Ray didn't have time to harm the poor boy, because a killer in a bunny mask showed up to save the day.

Meanwhile, Jorge and Lupe, the handy man and nanny, weren't very happy about losing their jobs, so they decided to break into the house and steal some things. Along with a friend of theirs, they stepped into a situation that wasn't all that pleasant for them. When Rem and his two hookers, Brooke and Candy, returned to the house, they found the situation less than ideal as well. The masked killer was more than a little vicious with them, and some pretty great kills followed. One of the hookers actually had a broom handle shoved down her throat. But the kills weren't the most disturbing parts of this movie. Remington and Ray bothered me more than anything. I was so scared--so worried--about what they were going to do to poor Nicholas. I was glad when they were taken out. So in this case, the killer is actually the good guy. He saved Nicholas from some trauma that he probably wouldn't have been able to deal with.

So, don't let this title fool you. It might not be the best movie ever made--and trust me, it isn't--but it really is pretty good. The acting was okay, and everything looked pretty good for a low budget movie. The dialogue was kind of silly, but I am more than capable of looking past that. This one actually had an effect on me, though. I was pissed that someone could treat a special child the way Remington and Ray treated Nicholas. Of course, I know things like that actually happen. But seeing it on screen was more than a little disturbing for me. The kills were nice and vicious, which I like, of course. The surprise ending wasn't extremely surprising, and it actually ended on a very good note. It was a very lovey-dovey happy ending to such a brutal bloodbath.