#33 -- The Telling (2009)

 Director: Nicholas Carpenter

Rating: 3 / 5

"The only real horror is that there is no horror left."

Playmates Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt star in The Telling, which I believe to be a large contributing factor of why people watch this movie. Not that it's bad, but I mean...Come on. They're hot. We start of with your typical college party: kids at a pool, getting wasted and fooling around. A dumpy, plain girl, Brianna, is strolling through and is insulted by the Head Bitch (Madison). She runs away crying, into the pool house. A couple follow soon after, looking to make with the boom boom, and they find the girl - dead. She is sitting underneath a mirror which reads "You made me do this." In her hands is a bottle of alcohol, and a bottle of pills. It's sad, I suppose, but I really can feel no sympathy for this girl. I know it sucks getting bullied, especially by people that you look up to and aspire to be like. But committing suicide because they don't want you in their sorority? That's a bit extreme and a lot dumb as shit. So excuse me when I don't feel sorry for her. Anyhow, following the discovery of the girl, we have the typical boo-hooing mother. 

Cut to one year later, and the sorority is looking for new pledges. There are three girls up for the job, if you want to call it that. With the tragedy from the past year, the school has demanded that the sorority stop being such shallow bitches and actually look into what type of people they are, rather than how big their tits are. So, Head Bitch decides to have a little story-telling session. She likes horror, and whoever can tell the scariest story wins. 

Story # 1

Lily is living with her boyfriend, Tommy. Tommy's ex-girlfriend, Sarah, returns to the states from England, and he lets her stay with them until she can get on her feet. They find a doll that is pretty creepy. It's obvious it's been in the trash for a while: matted hair, eyeball rolling around in the socket, dirty dress...blah blah blah. The doll talks in a weird, almost robotic voice, and says things like "I love you," and "We can be beeessst friends." The typical doll things to say. But after a while, the doll develops a larger vocabulary. Turns out, when she says "I love you" to Tommy, she actually means it. And Sarah isn't the one that Lily needs to be worrying about. When the doll first tells Lily, "I think I'll have him all to myself," she believes that Sarah has put a radio in the doll, to mess with her. The doll keeps saying things like this, and Lily goes a bit nutzo. She's so out-there, though, that it turns something that could be quite frightening into something utterly hilarious. While she's in the bath, she hears a strange noise downstairs. She goes to investigate and - surprise surprise - Sarah is dead in the kitchen. Lily finds little bitty doll-prints in Sarah's blood, and she follows them to the television set. She grabs the doll angrily, and she is electrocuted. Hearing the screams, Tommy rushes downstairs to find the two girls. The doll then says, "I hope they allow conjugal visits where you're going." Ha-ha. Ha-ha. So, really, this one ends up being more funny than anything. It's not a bad thing, but I'm not quite sure that's what they were going for. The pledge who is telling the story informs us that Tommy was, indeed, put away for life.

Story # 2

Eva DeMarco (played by Marquardt) is a washed-up actress who is desperate for work. She tells her agent that she will take any - ANY - role, as long as she gets that cheddar. He finds her a job in - I assume - Romania. When she gets to a creepy castle (what else?), she meets the handsome and charming director, Victor. He fills her full of absinthe, and she has a horrible nightmare involving creepy people in masks. She awakes to a letter telling her to meet them for a cast and crew dinner before filming. She gets there, and all the people at the table are wearing masks: the same ones she saw in her dream. However, she doesn't seem alarmed by this. Maybe she doesn't remember? I don't know. But when they all keep staring at her, she gets nervous quickly. Victor plays a video for her, explaining that the first thing people did with the invention of motion pictures was to film horrific things: executions, wars, etc. He claims that the man who recorded this film is a man of artistic genius. IS, not was. He is sitting at the table, and he removes his mask to show a grisly face. Or, what I assume was supposed to be grisly. Through a sort of montage, all of the cast remove their masks. They are a film crew of the undead. They explain that they have lived for so long, they have seen everything, and that regular horror films just don't cut it anymore. I think she said "Nosferatu don't cut it," or something along those lines. So, they make their own horror movies, and their demographic? Well, the undead of course! They get bored sometimes too. So, they drug Eva and tie her to a table. Unfortunately, we don't get to see any of the gore I'm sure came afterwards. We cut to Eva sitting at the table with Victor and saying, "I'm ready for my close-up."

Story # 3

This one is my favorite of the three stories. It is simple and slasher-esque, and that is what I love about horror movies. We've got three friends: Jenna, Anna, and Meredith. Jenna is a bitch - just a flat out bitch. They're planning to go out to the movies. There's a repairman at their house, because something is wrong with the television and Jenna MUST record her show or she will kill someone. She decides to leave the repairman alone in their house so that they're not late to the movie. They return shortly afterwards - the movie is sold out. Jenna's PISSED. She is going to kill someone. Did I mention she's a bitch? For some fun, they decide to make prank phone calls. Jenna calls a lady, pretends to be a police officer, and tells the woman that her husband is dead (bit - I think you can tell by now...). Meredith calls a man and tells him that his house has been chosen to receive some free pizza. In the middle of their conversation, there is a knock at the man's door, and he goes to answer it. There is a struggle, and the man is obviously murdered. The girls call the police to tell them about the incident. Before they do, they get a phone call saying that if they do call the police, or tell anyone, they will be next. They call the police anyways. One cop shows up (they find this suspicious because he doesn't have a partner) and surveys the house. They soon become very suspicious, and the logic behind their suspicions escapes me. He's sweaty, so he can't actually be a cop. I'm stumped. But, anyways. Jenna dies first, but not before she stabs the killer in the hand. Ana is next: strangled. Meredith is obviously hysterical. The repairman shows up again and the policeman handcuffs him to a chair, believing him to be the murderer. But Meredith knows the truth...She stabs and shoots the policeman, only to return to find Repairman dead. The killer shows up saying, "Look at the mess you made," and it's over.

We return to the sorority house, and they have chosen their new members: two girls who look just like them. They will not allow the "normal" girls into their sorority, of course. Suddenly, they start feeling ill. They believe it to be caused by bad wine, but one of the pledges assures them that it's probably the poison. The girl has poisoned some cookies, in order to avenge her sister, Brianna. Even though Brianna committed suicide for a really dumbshit reason, this girl blames the sorority bitches. She has set it up to look like a group suicide. She's written suicide notes via text messages and even e-mailed the girls' families. She exits the sorority house and lets Boo-hooing Mother know that their job is done.

This movie wasn't wonderfully made, but I enjoyed it. I'm not really sure why...Maybe it was all the hot women. So that is my advice to you. If you're interested in seeing some smokin' babes, then check it out. Otherwise, meh - take or leave it.

#32 -- The Haunting in Connecticut (2009)

Director: Peter Cornwell

Rating: 4 / 5

This is perhaps the best possession/haunted house movie I've ever seen. It was supposedly based on a true story. I don't know how much of that I believe to be real, but regardless, the movie was good. 

A woman with a cancerous teenage son, Matt, moves to Connecticut, in order to be closer to the hospital he must frequent for treatments. Almost immediately after they move in, Matt starts seeing strange things. They put if off as hallucinations due to side effects from the experimental treatment he is receiving. A couple of things he sees: bodies having strange letters and symbols cut into their skin, and having their eyelids removed; a seance; and sandbags being thrown into caskets. He puts it off as well, until he finds a box of photos underneath the floorboards in the attic. The young boy he has been seeing in his hallucinations was a real boy, and his name is Jonah. 

After doing some research with his cousin, they find out what had happened in the house many, many years ago. The house was a funeral home, owned by a Mr. Aickman. The funeral home doubled as a place for communicating with the dead. People would come from all over the world to speak with their dead loved ones. Jonah was Mr. Aickman's medium.

Eventually Mr. Aickman found a way to "amplify" his seances, giving him the ability to make ectoplasms appear. Ectoplasm is some weird gooey junk that would spew from the orifices (mouth, nose, ears, and..ahem..others...) It seems Mr. Aickman was stealing bodies from the local cemetery (and replacing them with sandbags inside the coffins) to conduct these "experiments." It was believed that he cut off their eyelids so they would have to see, rather than be rested after death. But they learned later that he was removing them to make the spirits "unseen." One day, one of the seances went wrong, and all the members were killed - except Jonah. 

They believe that Jonah's spirit is trapped in the house, and he is the one who is haunting them. They call upon a preacher that Matt had met at the hospital, and he helps them exorcise the demon, so to speak. He uses some kind of metallic crucifix to find where the spirit is trapped. He finds it in the dumbwaiter, and traces it back into the wall. He finds Jonah's ashes and takes them out of the house. Everyone goes about their regular business, believing the nightmare to be over. But when the preacher has a huge profound moment in his car, alongside Jonah's thought-to-be-rested spirit, he realizes that it is most definitely not over. He calls the house to explain to them, but no one answers.

It turns out that, when the others had been killed during the seance, Jonah fled. He tried to escape the house, but the spirits turned on him, and he became trapped inside a furnace: being burned alive. Since his eyelids had not been removed, it was deduced that he was not one of the evil spirits, and that the evils were still in the house. Jonah was actually protecting the house from them, trying to warn the occupants. 

Matt ends up encountering Jonah's spirit in the hospital, where (SPOILER ALERT!) the spirit enters Matt's body. Matt is dead from the cancer. Jonah then returns to the house, removes the bodies from their hidey-holes, and burns the house down. This sets all the other, evil, spirits free. He then exits Matt's body, and paramedics try desperately to revive him.

In a bit of text before the end credits, we are informed that Matt's cancer disappeared and he recovered completely. 

The Haunting in Connecticut was not exactly scary, no. There were a few OMG scenes (the typical: where we see spirits/apparitions in mirrors and/or shadows), but overall - not very scary. However, the story was amazing, and the execution was great. It was just a genuinely interesting story. And while I might not believe it, the fact that it was "based on true facts" is also interesting. Overall a very good movie, and a must-see for fans of the supernatural. 

MORAL: Beware of funeral home directors. They'll fuck you up.

Profile of a Serial Killer: Jeffrey Dahmer

Horror in any sort of entertainment industry would not exist if not for the horrors of real life. They would have no purpose; there would be no reaction if we didn't understand that things like this really happen. That is why horror movies scare us: because they're relate-able. It is not the case with all horror movies, of course, but we know that these things could possibly happen to us. Here, I will profile the most infamous serial killers in history. Perhaps learning of the horrors in our world, you will be able to better appreciate these movies for what they are.


Birth name: Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer
Date of Birth: May 21, 1960
Date of Death: November 28, 1994
Cause of Death: Murder

Jeffrey Dahmer was a triple threat: serial killer, cannibal, necrophiliac. With his somewhat boyish and nerdy looks, one would not expect him to do the horrible things he did (especially since he worked in a chocolate factory: a real life Willy Wonka). But that is what all horror teaches us: expect the unexpected. He murdered at least seventeen men between the years of 1978 and 1991 (these are the only ones that were confirmed).

I believe personally that this number would have been smaller if not for the incompetence of the police force. One of Dahmer's victims, fourteen year-old Konerak Sinthasomphone, escaped. After Dahmer drilled a hole in the boy's head and poured acid inside (leaving him in a zombie-like state), the boy managed to wander out into the street. He was naked, bleeding, and very much disoriented. Two women saw him and called the police. When the police arrived, Dahmer told them that the boy was nineteen years-old, and his boyfriend. He told them he'd gotten drunk, they'd fought, and he'd wandered outside. The police agreed, and they left the boy with Dahmer. The police actually thought the situation was funny. They were recorded in phone calls and conversations with dispatchers, and they were laughing. Sinthasomphone was murdered only moments later.

Sinthasomphone was Dahmer's thirteenth victim. If the police had investigated this a bit more, and realized that he was an underage prisoner of Dahmer's (drugged, not drunk), that boy would still be alive. They could have also saved four more lives. But what I believe to be an unwillingness to get in the middle of a homosexual domestic dispute prevented them from doing so.

Dahmer liked to keep trophies of his kills. Heads and several other organs and body parts were found in his home during investigation. He would either preserve them to keep as keepsakes, or he would eat them. He was also a known necrophiliac. This was because of what Dahmer himself called "passive sex" where he felt the need to do horrible things to his victims' corpses.

Known Victims
1. Stephen Hicks (18) in June of 1978
2. Steven Tuomi (26) in September of 1987
3. Jamie Doxtator (25) in October of 1988
4. Richard Guerrero (25) in March of 1988
5. Anthony Sears (24) in February of 1989
6. Eddie Smith (36) in June of 1990
7. Ricky Beeks (27) in July of 1990
8. Ernest Miller (22) in September of 1990
9. David Thomas (23) in September of 1990
10. Curtis Straughter (16) in February of 1991
11. Errol Lindsey (19) in April of 1991
12. Tony Hughes (31) in May of 1991
13. Konerak Sinthasomphone (14) in May of 1991
14. Matt Turner (20) in June of 1991
15. Jeremiah Weinberger (23) in July of 1991
16. Oliver Lacy (23) in July of 1991
17. Joseph Bradeholt (25) in July of 1991

Dahmer was found guilty of fifteen counts of murder (reduced from seventeen for reasons I'm not sure of), and was sentenced to fifteen consecutive life sentences: a total of 937 years. However, on November 28, 1994 Dahmer was beaten to death along with another prisoner, by fellow inmate Christopher Scarver.

Dahmer is the only serial murderer, that I have found so far, that seemed to feel remorse for what he'd done. Before being taken to prison, he seemed almost happy because he knew that it meant he couldn't cause any more harm to people. Whether this was a ruse or not, we will never know.

#31 -- Slashers (2001)

Director: Maurice Devereaux Rating: 4 / 5

A new game show is on the rise in - where else - Japan. They're having their first ever American special, with all American contestants. What do they have to do? Survive. They will run for their lives through a maze inside the studio, and if they survive they will win A LOT of money. I'm talking millions of dollars. And, a plus: they win millions of dollars for each slasher that they kill. 

The slashers? They're the best characters in the movie. The contestants (Megan, Michael, Rick, Devon, Rebecca, Brenda) are believable and we do feel for them. But the slashers are far more entertaining. We have Chainsaw Charlie ("Born in a barn, raised in a slaughterhouse"), a redneck with a chainsaw; Dr. Ripper ("I want you to open your mouth and say 'Aaaaahhhh!'"), a hilarious doctor with wonderful one-liners; and Preacherman ("One bad mother superior"), who wants to rid the world of sinners. Charlie and Dr. Ripper are veterans in the game; they know what they're doing, and they do it well. This is Preacherman's first appearance, and he's not so good. He ends up being the first slasher offed. 

The set that was used for their maze was actually an old paintball course, but I believe it worked wonderfully. There were plenty of places for the contestants to hide, and they even added some trickery to it (like a room that rotates every so often). There is a love room, where contestants can have sex to add time to their lives (because everyone loves seeing sex). Michael tries to rape Megan in order to do this, but she is saved by Devon. 

Rebecca (a strong girl who has a life-threatening disease) ends up killing Preacherman, right before Charlie kills her. He cuts her in half with his chainsaw, and Megan is forced by Dr. Ripper to watch the whole thing. The others...I'll leave you to find out for yourself. But, in the end it's Megan and Michael left standing. But Michael has a dirty little secret of his own and, even though all the slashers are dead, Megan is still in danger. Michael wants to kill Megan so that he can keep all the money for himself ("I'm gonna rape you, and I'm gonna kill you. But not necessarily in that order"). But Megan, a law student, bluffs him into thinking he will go to jail when the show is over. He is afraid, and ends up taking care of himself. 

This one, honestly, is just fun to watch. There's nothing big and splendid about it, and it's not perfect in any aspect: the acting, filming, effects, etc. But it's definitely entertaining. I'm wondering when there's going to be a real game show like this. America seems obsessed with death and murder anyways, so it's only a matter of time. But I think the writers got it right. If a game show like this were to actually surface, I think it would be safe to say it would take place in Japan (you never know what you're going to see over there). 

So if you're looking for a wonderfully made horror film, this is not the movie for you. But if you, like me, enjoy just a good entertaining film...give it a try. Even if you don't love it like I do, it will definitely get a reaction out of you.

#30 -- Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Director: Steve Miner

Rating: 5 / 5

Alice, the sole survivor of Pamela Voorhees' rage, is at home. It is a couple months after her nightmare, and she believes that it is over. Other than bad dreams and increasing paranoia, everything seems fine. That is until Alice finds a decapitated head in her refrigerator, and she gets an icepick to her skull. Alice thought that killing the woman would be the end of it, but oh how wrong she was. What she didn't know was that that woman's son - the one who had supposedly drowned in 1957; the one she was desperately trying to avenge - had been watching. This man, extremely sheltered and living off of the land, watched his mother being murdered. He might or might not have known what his mother was doing - murdering innocent people - but that is irrelevant. He loved his mother, and in his mind, she did not deserve to die. He was hurt and angry. So he decided to find the girl and avenge his mother.  How did he find her, you ask? Well, according to Making Friday the 13th: The Legend of Camp Blood, Alice returned to Camp Blood. She felt that she needed to deal with the trauma and terror she'd been through, "exorcise her demons." It was from there that Jason followed her home.

Five years later, a counselor training camp was opened - opposite the camp where the original movie took place- by a man named Paul. Plenty of youngsters signed up for the course, including Paul's girlfriend Ginny. Huddled around a campfire, Paul tells the story of Camp Blood: Pamela was killed and that her son had watched the whole thing. It was just a legend at that point. Jason was the boogeyman, nothing but imagination. Or at least that is what they thought at first. They were a little bit scared, but they didn't think too much of it, until their friends started dying. 

Half of the kids at the camp go out to a bar to party. The others decide to stay back at camp - which they probably shouldn't have done. They were killed, and the others returned to the fight of their lives. This was a stunt by the crew of the flim, because there were "too many characters." They needed to isolate the main characters so the film could focus mainly on them (again, Friday the 13th: The Legend of Camp Blood)

The flim ends up with Paul and Ginny as the last two standing. Ginny finds a sort of shrine to Pamela Voorhees, where she dons the woman's sweater and tricks Jason. She speaks softly and sweetly to him (like a mother would), and Jason sees his mother's face instead of Ginny's. This shows - some would say Jason's lack of intelligence - his vulnerability. Some - many - believe that Jason is, and always has been, nothing but a mindless killing machine. But there is more to him than that. He's a big, strong man - but he's soft as well. You just have to know where to poke. He has feelings; he knows what he's doing, and he's smarter than most people think.

There is a climactic battle, where Jason Voorhees' grisly face is revealed. Note: Jason did not yet have his hockey mask. Instead, he wore a burlap sack, and I believe some overalls. It was a little bit comical, and my nickname for him in this one is Farmer J. I read an excerpt of a novelization of the film, and it states that when Jason emerged from the lake where he supposedly drowned, he found a mirror. He was so frightened and appalled by his own face that he felt it needed to be covered. It wasn't until the third film that he got his iconic hockey mask.

After Paul and Ginny's struggle with Jason, Ginny awakes while being carried off by paramedics. Jason is nowhere to be found, and neither is Paul. It never states directly that Paul was killed, but we can assume that he was for several reasons. Some might believe that he escaped, but I can't see him leaving his girlfriend to fend for herself against a vicious killer. So, there are only two more options. 1) He got lost in the woods. So, if he hasn't been killed already, he will be. Jason has lived in the woods for the majority of his life and, though Paul is a wonderful camper, knows the woods far better. And he will find him. 2) Paul has been killed and carted off by Jason, unseen by Ginny or the paramedics. Why did he leave Ginny and only take Paul? Well, there has to be at least one survivor, right?

Body Count:
1. Alice: icepick through the skull
2. Crazy Ralph: strangled (I was so sad to see Ralph go; he was one of my favorite characters of the first film)
3. Policeman: hammered in the head
4. Scott: throat slit
5. Terry: stabbed
6. Mark: machete through the head
7 & 8. Jeff & Sandra: impaled while making love
9. Vickie: stabbed
10. Paul: vanished, assumed dead

I will go back to what I said in my review of the first Friday the 13th. While gruesome and horrible, it is a beautiful story of unconditional love. Pamela was seeking revenge for her son's death, and Jason was doing the same for his mother. One must know the pain Jason must have felt watching his mother die. His pain and frustration is not fully shown until much later, in Marcus Nispel's remake in 2009. 

Fun fact: the actor credited for playing the role of Jason Voorhees, quite honestly, did not deserve it. Warrington Gillette did, in fact, play Jason in a couple of scenes (it is his face we see when Jason's mask is removed). The crew realized that he could not do his own stunts, as he'd said he could. They had to create special props for him, just so he could get the job done. They eventually got tired of it and fired him. In his place, they hired Steve Dash, who played Jason in the majority of the film. But since it was Gillette's face shown, he received the credit, and Dash received a measley stunt credit. 

I'm sure, in making this film, they thought it would be a fun idea to bring Jason into the picture. But did they realize how far it would go? This was only the second in a franchise of twelve, and I'm sure (I hope; keeping my fingers crossed) there are more to come. Some would say that it's gone too far, and that there's not much else that could be done with the character. And partly, I agree. In some of the films, it seems that they pulled the ideas out of their asses, and didn't properly think them through. The result: not the best. But regardless, I am a mega fan, and I will never get tired of seeing my hockey masked killer do his worst. 

#29 -- Dismal (2009)

Director: Gary King

Rating: 2 / 5

First things first: I don't want you to think this is the worst movie in the world, because it's not. I've definitely seen worse. It's all right, for what it is, I suppose. If you want to sit through approximately an hour and a half of practically nothing, dozing in and out of sleep, then by all means rent this movie. It's really not that horrible; it's just boring as hell.

They will reel you in, because the first two kills happen very quickly. It will give you hope that - hey!- maybe this won't be so bad. There are two hillbillies hunting for alligators. One shoots the alligator and gets into the swampy water to retrieve it. But the alligator is gone. The man is then pulled under the water, and he doesn't come back up. His friend is looking around, calling his name, and then he is snatched under as well.

Cut to a girl in college, Dana, studying who-knows-what. She's trying to dissect a dead snake, but she just can't do it. Her teaching assistant, Curt, helps her out. She tells him that the thought of cutting something - anything - makes her physically sick. She's failing his class, and he tells her that he is conducting an extra credit field trip (to the swamp). She wants to go, but her controlling asshole of a boyfriend tells her she can't - because he's jealous of Curt. Trust me, from the first moment you meet him, you will be HOPING the cannibals get him. She, of course, goes on the field trip anyway. She is our main character, after all, and it wouldn't be much of a movie if she didn't go along. Well, it wasn't much of a movie anyway, but you get my point.

Going along on the trip are Shelly (the cute, sweet blonde), Gary (the boy who loves her), Jamal & Eve (horny kids who actually could care less about extra credit; Eve is apparently a hooker), and of course Curt. 

It doesn't take much to figure out who gets it first. Jamal and Eve are making boom boom out in the woods, and the killer hooks Jamal in the face. Eve runs and steps in a bear trap, dismembering her foot. She keeps hobbling along, and...steps in another bear trap, dismembering her other foot. She then falls down, and...lands in yet ANOTHER bear trap, decapitating her. This is, most definitely, the best part of the entire movie. It was awesome, for me; sucked for poor Eve. Curt and the others hear a scream, and wake up to realize that the others are missing. He and Gary to to find them, while the girls keep watch at the tents. Curt gets clubbed in the face, and Gary runs. He gets the girls and they run. But they don't make it very far. 

They get back to their car, only to find that the tires are stuck in the mud. Thankfully, Dana has brought the radio, and she calls for help. The ranger shows up to help, or so they think. He kidnaps them and chains them up in his shack. 

His assistant (the one who's been killing so far) is a big dummy and hardly scary when shown in the light. They decide to eat Gary for dinner. Dale (the ranger) decides he wants to rape Dana. Shelly has been unconscious through most of this part. When she wakes up and they're having dinner, Dana tells her not to eat it. Dale gets angry at Shelly because she won't eat the dinner he's prepared for her. So he takes her outside, gives her a pitchfork, and tells her to find something better. She's killed by a booby trap: a big knife that cuts her in half. Dale and Big Dummy leave, and Dana gets out of her restraints. 

She finds Curt in another room, alive. But he will not let her leave. When Dale and Big Dummy return, we find out that Curt is Dale's son, and definitely not to be trusted. This is actually not that big of a surprise. It's made painfully obvious by the way he acted around the kids. I think the film-makers were trying to disguise it as "he has a crush on Dana." It worked for maybe ten minutes, and then it just got suspicious. Dana finds her boyfriend, who has followed her using the GPS on her phone; he is dead (Yay!). There's a scuffle with Curt, and Dana cuts him up. Yes, she said she would NEVER be able to cut anything. But the fact that she said that just tells that she will, in fact, cut something before the movie is over. She does this while laughing, and I think that was the scariest part of the whole movie. 

It sounds good on paper, but it just wasn't executed very well. It was slow; it took way too long for anything good to happen. And as I said in the beginning, I found it hard to stay awake. My real advice to you would be to look on Youtube for a clip of Eve falling on the bear traps, because that's the only thing this movie's got going for it. And I would not advise you to sit through the whole thing just to see that one little good part. Please, learn from my mistakes.

#28 -- Insidious (2011)

Director: James Wan

Rating: 3.5 / 5

I am always complaining that people do not know how to make horror movies these days (mostly big names/blockbusters). In general, I'm not wrong there. But this one, I think, is one of the few exceptions. Sometimes I like to read other reviews of movies before I review them myself, so that I can see how my opinion relates to others' opinions. As usual, mine is the opposite. The review that I read for this one claimed that it is the least scary movie ever seen. The reviewer must be much more brave than I am, because it definitely scared me. The reviewer also complained of lack of special effects. It is true, there weren't many; the movie relied mostly on lighting for its scares - and that is what makes something terrifying to me. And also, it's the simplicity of a film that makes it special, a lot of the time. Maybe it's just me, but that's okay, because I don't have to agree with what other people think.

I didn't expect much from this one, from what I got from the previews. It said something about a boy being haunted, and I took that as meaning that the boy had become possessed. I've never been a huge fan of possession stories, and the fact that the DVD cover read "The scariest movie since The Exorcist" didn't really mean much to me (because The Exorcist wasn't scary at all). However, it turns out that, while it was about possession, it didn't focus on that alone. It was something that I'd never seen before; it was unique and that, too, made it special to me. 

A family of five (mother, father, two boys and a baby girl) move into a new home. One of the boys, Dalton, has an accident, and shortly after falls into a coma. The doctor is puzzled, because it isn't like any coma he's seen before. There was no brain damage, and the boy seemed perfectly fine, physically. It was as if he was just asleep, and couldn't wake up. 

They send him home to be taken care of by his parents and, shortly after, strange things being to happen. Dalton's mother, Renai, starts seeing and hearing things that have got her terrified. She sees a strange person staring at her infant daughter through the window, a small boy (neither of hers) running through the house laughing, a man pacing outside of her window; she hears strange voices whispering through her daughter's baby monitor. After a little while, she decides that she cannot take it anymore. She tells her husband, Josh, that she wants to leave. She believes there is something wrong with the house, so they move to a different one. They soon learn, though, that - as the previews say - it's not the house that's haunted. Strange things continue to happen. When she sees a bloody handprint on her coma-ridden son's bed, she knows something is wrong. Her husband's mother refers her to a specialist - a group of paranormal experts. 

After some testing, the leader of the experts explains to them what she thinks is going on. Dalton is not in a coma - he is lost. She believes that he has a knack for astral projection. He is very talented and does it often. But since he's gotten used to doing it, he's gotten brave. He's traveled too far and has gotten lost. He needs to find his way back home in order to wake up. After a while, Josh's mother reveals to him that he is able to astral project as well. She shows him photos of himself, with a spooky ghostly woman in the background. These creatures, demons - whatever you want to call them - are trying to get to Dalton. Well, they want his physical body. While his astral body is trapped in what they call "the further," the demons are trying to get inside his physical body, and that is what Renai has been seeing/hearing. When Josh learns of his ability, he goes in after his son. There are many of these ghostly creatures, and each of them is frightening. They pop out of nowhere, and scare the shit of me. 

Finally, after struggling through the further, Josh and Dalton return home safely. Or so it seems. I won't reveal the ending exactly, but let's just say one of them doesn't quite make it. 

Is this the best movie I've ever seen? No, certainly not. But it entertained me. And yes, it did scare me. I'm not known to jump or be extremely startled during a horror movie, but this one did it. I can't even tell you how many times I jumped while watching this. As I said above, the demons showed up out of nowhere; I wasn't expecting it. You'd think that, after a couple of times, my guard would be up and I'd know that it was going to happen. But, no. It didn't quite work like that. I liked it because it was different from all the other possession movies that I've seen, and that's what the creators of horror movies (or movies in general) need to shoot for: something no one has ever seen before. 

#27 -- Dolly Dearest (1992)

Director: Maria Lease

Rating: 2 / 5

I think, possibly, a good approach to making a horror movie is to find something relate-able and make it do awful things. For example: an evil car, a television, a cell phone, an animal, or...the several killer doll films that have been made throughout the years. It is a good approach. I think they're aiming to make us think, "Hey! This could actually happen!" And, thus, scare us shitless. And, as we've seen, it can be done quite successfully. But not here. 

First, a man is excavating a tomb (turns out to be part of the Mayan ruins). A big stone door falls on top of him and kills him. And this has set free...red squiggly lines. What!? Yes, red squiggly lines. They enter a nearby building, and the credits roll. I'm not sure if the filmmakers were trying to be mysterious, but...it doesn't work. 

A man moves his family to Mexico, so he can work in a factory making dolls. Yes, he goes to freakin' Mexico to make dolls. As if that isn't bad enough, when he gets there, he finds that he has been lied to and the "fully-functioning" factory is a shithole. But, his daughter Jessica just HAS to have one of the dolls. After all, he's uprooted her from the only place she knew; he's taken her away from her friends. So, naturally, she would want a new friend. And it's no surprise that Jessica and Dolly become very close. Jessica turns into a little - ahem - bitch. She starts acting out and having tantrums all the time, when I'm sure she was such a little angel before. The red squiggly lines have possessed the dolls. 

Dolly is creepy enough, I guess. She looks like an old lady, but...maybe some people have a phobia of the elderly? I'm not sure, but it doesn't quite work that well for me. To me, Jessica was far creepier than the doll that was supposed to scare me. She gets black rings around her eyes and starts talking in a deep, demonic voice while threatening her mother's life. She's frightening. The doll? Just lame. But, at least we get warnings from them. When any of the - I think three - dolls says, "It's time to play!" we know shit's goin' down. But what, exactly, is goin' down? Well, honestly...not much. 

An old Mexican woman is electrocuted in a random pool that's in the basement. A fat Mexican man has his hand run through a sewing machine, and then apparently his heart tries to jump out of his chest (we actually see what looks like a ball thumping around in there), and it is claimed as a heart attack. The dolls try to run Jessica's father through some sort of large mixer, but they fail. And, that's all I can remember (I just got finished watching it, so that can't be a good sign). Either there weren't any other kills, or they were just THAT forgettable. Either way, it makes me feel like I've wasted my time with it. 

Okay, so why are the dolls possessed by red squiggly lines? Well, it's some sort of Mayan demon-child. It wants to get the children (for a reason I'm not sure was actually explained), so naturally they would choose to possess dolls. Obviously, they only want female children. If they wanted boys, they'd possess, maybe...a tonka truck? So then, every time you'd hear "Beep beep!" you'd know shit was goin' down. Anyways, the purpose? All I could get from it was that they wanted to begin a "reign of terror." That's it. They wanted to scare people. Well, way to go really-inadequate-demon-child! You suck, because you didn't scare me - not one bit. 

This guy was my favorite part of the movie.

And after the big elaborate plan by the demon-children, and what it took for everyone to figure out (and believe) what was going on, how did they stop them? They blew them up. Really? That is the most cop-out ending I've ever seen. It's like they couldn't quite figure out how to end it, but they didn't want to give up the project. So, naturally...But, my first thought was, "It's a demon. Shouldn't it be able to magically or supernaturally rise from the ashes?" But, no. They blew it up, and that was it. It's too easy. And I don't like that. It's a horror movie, and I want to see a friggin' fight. And I mean a REAL fight. Not just being chased around by a little doll and then defeating it with the first idea you have. It should keep coming back, over and over to kick some ass, until - FINALLY - someone is smart enough to figure out how to defeat it. 

I read a review about this movie a couple weeks ago. The reviewer claimed that this was one of the best killer-doll movies out there. Well...I know I'm not supposed to compare things, but...She ain't no Chucky. That is all. Not-recommended at all. It gets two stars instead of one because of the few parts here and there that made me laugh. 

#26 -- Masters of Horror: The Fair Haired Child (2006)

Director: William Malone

Rating: 4 / 5

I cannot say it enough: the creators of these films really are masters. They're not as long as regular movies (usually about an hour) because it's actually a television show, but they have so much story that you don't even notice the length. They pack more storyline and character development into one hour than some movies can in two. This one is wonderfully frightening and, even upon a second viewing, I found myself wanting to cover my eyes. 

Tara is riding her bike home from school through a spooky wooded area. She is hit by a van, dragged into the back of the van, and chloroformed. She awakes in what appears to be a hospital room, but she soon learns that it is all a fraud. She tries to escape, but ends up being thrown into the basement. The stairs have been broken away; there is no escape. After a little exploration, she finds a boy hanging from a noose. She helps him down and learns that he cannot speak. He communicates by writing in the dust on the floor. His name is Johnny. There are several frightening messages written around the room, warning of some "thing", and saying "Get out before it wakes up." And, the final message reads: "Beware the fair haired child." Tara and Johnny open the door the last message is written on, and they find a bathroom: the tub is full of blood.

There are a few flashbacks of the people who abducted Tara. It appears that they had a son who drowned in the lake on their property. They've made some kind of deal with a demon, or satan (it is never made clear) to bring their son back to life. It's not much of a surprise when we find out that Johnny was their son.He convinces Tara of this by showing her an empty urn with his name written on it. He also shows her a book of witchcraft. The deal that his parents made came with a price: twelve. They must sacrifice twelve children - one each year - and Tara is to be the last. At certain intervals, Johnny transforms into The Fair Haired Child, and he kills the children himself. He cannot help what he's doing, and he hates himself for it. He tells Tara that he does not want her blood on his hands, and he asks her to forgive him. We cannot see much, but when Johnny's parents descend into the basement, we find Tara - dead, covered in blood. And there's a note, written in that blood: I forgive you Johnny. Tara knew all along that Johnny was a good person, and that he shouldn't blame himself for what his sick parents were doing. It is sort of implied that Johnny has feelings for her from the very beginning. And that explains completely what Johnny does to help her, in the end.

They complete the ritual, and Johnny is fully revived. His parents are playing a piece of music while Johnny is sitting in the middle of the floor. When his mother asks him what he is doing, he says that he is waiting. He is staring at a drawing that Tara had done. He then reveals to his mother that he's found his talent: bargaining. He's made a deal as well, but his deal only requires two sacrifices. Enter another Fair Haired Child, and Johnny's mother's head is squashed like a bug. 

Tara wakes up with a note that says to meet Johnny in the recital room. She can't remember anything, but Johnny tells her that this is her home and that he'll help her get through her troubles, once she remembers everything. They walk hand in hand down to the lake. 

It is quite a sweet story, and despite the witchcraft/necromancy, doesn't seem all that scary (when reading about it). But when Johnny transforms into The Fair Haired Child, it gets real scary real fast. I'm sure I said this in my last MoH review, but I repeat: if you haven't seen any of them, please do - any of them at all. If you're a horror fan like I am, these are a must-see. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

#25 -- The Dead Hate The Living (2000)

Director: Dave Parker

Rating: 4 / 5

If I haven't made it painfully obvious, I am a huge fan of zombies; and this movie, in my opinion, is a great one. There is a man, Dr. Eibon, who obviously has been conducting experiments in order to bring the dead back to life. Later, during a flashback of a newly risen-from-the-dead Dr. Eibon, it seems that he is doing this because of his wife, Ellie. She was killed by cancer, and he soon after began his experiments. It seems that he is desperately trying to bring her back. It is made clear later, though, that he is trying to create an army of the undead, and to rid the world of all life. 

The movie starts off with Dr. Eibon video-taping himself. There is a commotion outside his door, and he eventually grabs a gun and holds it to his head. Before he can kill himself, one of his "legion" breaks in and kills him. 

Cut to a scene of a woman who is performing an autopsy on a young man. She comments on how she doesn't get to meet the cute guys until they're dead. She turns around to get tools, still talking into her tape recorder, and when she turns back, the body is gone. She looks around for a while, and the corpse shows up behind her. He slits her throat with a scalpel and drags her onto the autopsy table. Somehow, having her throat slit did not kill her. He rips her shirt off and they start making out, smearing her blood all over the both of them. Just when it's getting good and steamy, someone yells "Cut!"

A group of people have broken into an abandoned building (it is never made clear what the building actually is; but I assume it was some sort of hospital) to make a zombie movie. We have David, the director; Shelly and Nina, his sisters; Eric, the leading man; Marcus, an actor; Topaz, who seems to be David's assistant; Paul, the special effects guy and David's best friend; and Chas, the cameraman. After some exploring, Topaz discovers a back room full of jars of organs and such. The others meet her there, and they discover a large coffin-like structure. It appears to be hooked up to some cables, and there was a medallion with it as well. There is a corpse inside it: Dr. Eibon. David decides to use the coffin (corpse included) in his film. They film Eric turning on the coffin-machine, putting the medallion in place, and talking about an army of the dead. What they don't know, though, is that it is very real. The door opens, Eibon grabs and kills Eric, and his army emerges (which, at that time, is only two zombies: a very, very tall lurch-like zombie, and a large muscular one). 

Topaz speaks with Eibon's wife, Ellie, who has been reanimated. She says that they want to kill them because they (quote The Misfits) "hate the living, love the dead." Topaz kills her. Eibon is not happy. He takes Topaz prisoner and tells her that, since she killed his wife, she will take her place. He wants to experiment. Usually, he puts a corpse in the coffin-machine, and it reanimates them. He wants to try a living subject: Topaz. He hopes that this will bring his world (the world of the dead) and the living world together, so that hey can rid their world of all the putrid life. He says that is is "salvation, not damnation." He believes that life is a waste and that, through death, all pain and suffering is gone. It is obvious that he feels this way because he lost his wife. He attempted suicide, and really it's quite a noble thing to do (if you have a sick mind, like I do, that is). He wants to help the world by ridding it of the pain and suffering it must endure on a daily basis. 

Eventually, the two people left standing realize that there is no escape other than death. So, with no other choice, they go into the coffin-machine and enter the world of the dead. One states that the only thing they can do now is try to live. 

I do believe that this movie was very well done. The acting was fine, and the effects were amazing. I especially liked the big muscular zombie, whose mouth looked somewhat like a bird's beak. Dr. Eibon himself was wonderfully spooky, and somehow the only of the living dead able to think and speak coherently. I enjoyed this movie quite a lot. I thought the storyline was interesting and unique, and the execution was good as well. I would definitely recommend it to any fellow zombie lovers.

The History of Vampires

Vampires have become, over the years, a very popular monster in horror movies and stories, and they come in all shapes and sizes. However, people have grown accustomed to a certain type of vampire: vulgar, ugly, and vicious. They are killed by the sun, live only by moonlight, and are evil creatures who feel no compassion. But most might not know that the vampire originated in Greek Mythology, through an act of love.

***

It is the story of an Italian man, Ambrogio, and his lover Selene. This story is told from The Scriptures of Delphi. Delphi was a shrine to Apollo (god of music, prophecy and the sun), and home of the Oracle. Ambrogio dreamed of having the Oracle tell him his future. So, he traveled to Greece. The Oracle at Delphi was very mysterious and said only, "The curse. The moon. The blood will run."

Ambrogio met Selene, the Oracle's sister, and fell in love with her. He proposed marriage, and she agreed. They were supposed to meet at dawn the next morning to make arrangements. However, Apollo had also fallen for Selene. He was irate that this man would steal a woman from him, especially from his own temple. So, in his anger, Apollo cursed Ambrogio, so that the slightest touch from his sunlight would burn the man's skin.

The curse prevented Ambrogio from meeting Selene the next morning and, not knowing what else to do, he hid from the sun in a cave. The cave led to the Underworld, and he made a deal with Hades. Hades promised that he would protect him and Selene if he could steal a silver bow from Apollo's sister, Artemis (the virgin goddess of the hunt). There were several stipulations, of course. Ambrogio would have to leave his soul in the Underworld until he returned, and if he were to return without the silver bow, he would be trapped there forever. Hades gave him a bow and a limited amount of arrows. He was to slay animals and offer them to Artemis to gain her trust. Instead of doing this, he used them to communicate with Selene. Each night he would kill a swan. He would use one feather as a pen, and the swan's blood as ink. He wrote letters and love poems to Selene to let her know that he hadn't abandoned her. He finally took one of the swans he'd killed to Artemis as an offering. When he used his last arrow to shoot a swan, he missed. He wasn't able to write a letter to Selene, and he had nothing to offer the goddess. Fortunately, Artemis saw that he was a great hunter and she appeared to him. He asked if he could borrow her bow and arrow so that he could kill a swan to write a last letter to his lover. She took pity on him and agreed. When she gave him the bow and arrow, he fled to the cave that led to the Underworld.

Enraged, Artemis too put a curse on Ambrogio - a curse that caused all silver to burn his skin. He dropped the silver bow, and it never got to Hades. His soul was trapped in the Underworld.

He begged Artemis for forgiveness and, again taking pity on the man, she offered him another deal. She would give him magnificent hunting skills, as well as fangs for weapons to pierce his prey. The only catch was that he and Selene must abandon Apollo and worship Artemis instead. Being the virgin goddess, Artemis' followers must remain abstinent. Ambrogio and his lover could not be passionate with one another; they could never have children.

Ambrogio wrote another letter to Selene, telling her to meet him at his ship. When she arrived, there was a coffin and instructions not to open it until the sun had set. Ambrogio and Selene lived happily for quite some time. But Ambrogio was immortal; Selene was not. When she got old and grew sick, he was desperate not to lose her. Artemis appeared to him once again, allowing him a single touch on his lady - to drink her blood. She told him that, by doing this, her mortal soul would be killed and she would become immortal as he was. Also, the mixture of their blood together could create more immortal beings. Selene's mortal soul rose to the moon, and Selene became the goddess of the moon. They had several children - the several vampires that their combined blood created.

***

The vampire eventually did become gruesome and vile, but one must know where it came from in order to truly appreciate it. One might think that it is not the nature of the creature, but the forced solitary life that drove it to such grotesqueries. Love created the first vampire. And it is no surprise that they have become vile, lonely creatures. For it must be near impossible to find love when you must kill in order to live. It could possibly be believed that the vampire is a creature of a broken heart - and that it drinks the blood of the living in a sad attempt at filling that void.



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Earliest Horror Movies

I thought that I would delve a bit into the history behind these movies that we love so much, so that we can fully understand and appreciate where the genre came from and what it has become.

Horror: an overwhelming and painful feeling caused by something frightfully shocking, terrifying, or revolting; a shuddering fear

Kinetoscopes & Nickelodeons

Thomas Edison basically invented the movie, alongside an assistant, using a certain kind of film. He came up with the Kinetoscope, which was the first device used for viewing motion pictures. It was a box-like structure with film running throughout its interior. The movies were viewed by looking into a small hole in the top of the structure. Edison eventually also created a projecting Kinetoscope. Nickelodeons were early movie theaters, and the first that focused solely on showing motion pictures. Viewers were charged five cents for entry, which is how the theater got its name.

The First Horror Movies

The first horror movie was created by none other than Thomas Edison in 1895, entitled The Execution of Mary Stuart. It was a very short film (about fifteen seconds) depicting the execution of the Queen of Scotland.



It is argued that this was, in fact, not the first horror movie. There was another entitled Le Menoir du Diable (The Devil's Castle) directed by frenchman Georges Méliès in 1896. In it, Satan is playing tricks on a couple of Knights, making things disappear and reappear. The women that appeared were delightfully frightening in their posture, and the effects were quite impressive coming from such an early and technologically primitive era. I felt a special kind of wonder viewing this, being the horror fan that I am.

The technology for incorporating sound and/or music into films had not yet been discovered, so since the films were silent, were most often accompanied by a pianist. Silent films, though certainly not for everyone, have a certain charm. You must focus completely on the images being projected, and without the distraction of music and sound can sometimes be even more frightening. It is also entertaining to see how the actors portray their characters without the use of their voices. Their motions are usually extremely exaggerated and quite comical, but this does not take away from the effect of horror. Some early silent horror films that come to mind are Nosferatu (1922), The Phantom of the Opera (1925), and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1919 - which I have yet to see, but have been meaning to do so). The first horror film to incorporate sound was 1931's Dracula, starring Bela Lugosi. So that's it for my brief history lesson in horror movies. Stay tuned for more history, as we travel through the decades to discover what our favorite movie genre is all about.

#24 -- Offspring (2009)

Director: Andrew van den Houten

Rating: 3 / 5

I don't know much about Jack Ketchum, but from the two of his books I've read (one being Offspring), I know that I'm a fan. I was excited to see this film because I know, at least partially, how Ketchum writes, and I expected it to be disturbing, gruesome and wonderful. On the first two, I was right. Ketchum himself wrote the screenplay for this adaptation, and I honestly have no clue what went wrong. 

We start off with a highly intoxicated woman arriving (or, more suitably, stumbling) at her house cursing the babysitter for leaving the lights on. When she stumbles into the kitchen, she falls down and notices blood on the floor. After she searches around for the source (which is right in front of her face), she finds the babysitter and her infant child brutally murdered. And the killers - a group of children - are waiting for her. She begins screaming, and is immediately taken care of.

The police that get involved call on a retired officer, because he's been through this before and he knows exactly what has happened. They begin searching, to no avail, through the surrounding woods to locate the family of cannibals. The cannibals are descendants of a man who disappeared in the 1800s and have been living in the wild. The "queen" of the cannibals believes that the ghost of the baby they killed is angry because its spirit is trapped, and that it is cursing them. She decides that they must get a new baby and drain it of its life (the blood) to set the spirit free. 

They go hunting. They beat one of their family members to a bloody pulp and send her to a house nearby. She slams against the door screaming as if she is in trouble, and the man of the house lets her in and tries to help. She attacks and begins eating him, while the rest of the cannibals invade the house and take the man's wife prisoner. Their house guest grabs her son and the couples' baby daughter and flees through the window. They hide in a treehouse out in the woods for a while, but the woman eventually decides that they better leave and try to get help for her friend. They meet up with a male cannibal, the young boy runs (with the baby girl in his arms), and his mother is taken hostage. 

And this is about the end of the excitement, if I can call it that. The rest is basically the little boy searching for his mom (he's left the baby in the treehouse), the police searching for the cannibals, and the two women being tied up in a cave. 

I must say, though, that the "queen cannibal" actually is quite frightening. The cannibals have their own primitive language, and the woman's guttural growls and commands are chill-inducing. The cannibal children, while not quite frightening, are a bit creepy. Seeing children laughing while stabbing and/or eating another human being is disturbing in itself. 

The gore in this one was adequate, but not quite unique. But, for a gore-whore like myself, it was quite entertaining. Which is the sole reason that I give this film three stars. If you're looking for disturbing images of children being murdered and murdering others, and plenty of body parts and organs being strewn about and chewed down, then you should check it out. If you're a Ketchum fan, check it out, though I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. If you're looking for a decent adaptation of a Ketchum novel, you might want to check out The Girl Next Door instead. 

This wasn't great, and I probably won't remember anything about it in a couple of months, but it's definitely not the worst film I've ever seen. But proceed with caution, and weak stomachs beware. 

#23 -- Serial Killing 101 (2004)

Director: Trace Slobotkin

Rating: 4 / 5

I'm not sure if this one is technically classified as horror because it'll make you laugh more than anything, but I'd feel wrong if I left it out. The characters are ridiculous, the situations unbelievable - but you can't help but love it.

Casey, a high school senior, wants to be a serial killer. Why? Not because of family troubles. Not because he's crazy, but because he wants to impress a girl. Sasha is interested in serial killers like Charles Manson (who wasn't a serial killer at all but a pansy ass who had to get others to do his dirty work; but that's another topic completely). To get her attention, Casey does a project stating that he wants to be a serial killer. It definitely works as planned, and she offers to help him on one condition - she wants to be his first victim. She says it is because she wants fame, to be like Sharon Tate (the first victim of the Manson family), but we find out later it is because she is depressed and can't quite get suicide right. 

They study books on criminal psychology and serial killer profiling. Sasha tells Casey that most serial killers start out killing animals, and she tells him to kill the neighbor's dog. But he can't because, quote, "It was too cute." He decides on old ladies as his victims of choice. They're old and almost dead as it is, so he'd be doing them a favor. He scouts out the local retirement home and chooses his prey. When he returns to kill the old woman, she believes that he is her grandson. She introduces him to all her friends, and he tells them that he's an undercover detective and then goes through all the things he's learned. In the end, instead of killing her, he kisses her goodnight and says, "I love you, grandma." 

So, since he's failed in all other aspects, Sasha decides that he should just go ahead and kill her. It should be easy on him since she is willing. He sneaks up on her in the woods, but he can't do it because she's just sitting there. He tells her to run from him. There is a very elaborate and terrifying chase scene (it's too bad you can't hear sarcasm through the computer screen), and he pins her to the ground. Does he kill her? Heck no! Instead, they end up making out.

Meanwhile, children from the high school are disappearing and being murdered. There is a real life serial killer out there, and Casey decides to track him down and learn from him. The killer eventually abducts Sasha and takes her to his "lair." Casey must find her and save her. When he does find her, she is tied to a weight bench. There is a circular saw hanging above her head, and the only way to keep it from decapitating her, she must hold up the three-hundred pound weight. 

There is a scuffle throughout the killer's hideaway, and Casey eventually prevails. He then writes a new report for school, titled "Serial Killing For Dummies." He now wants to be an investigator for the FBI, tracking down serial killers. He'll take everything he's learned and put it to good use. 

This movie is good on its own. It's entertaining and silly. But, in my opinion, Thomas Haden Church stole the show as Casey's hilarious asshole of a gym coach. He's got crazy funny one-liner's, and he'll have you cracking up the whole time. Also, we have Amil, Casey's "special" best friend who's obsessed with explosives. And, the crazy janitor, Frank, who watches girl's change through a hole in the wall. He's creepy and weird. But he's funny as well, muttering, "Fucking kids with their tater tots." We also have Corey Feldman as the funky-looking clerk at the department store.

It's one of my favorite movies, and definitely worth the time.